He knows about my affair but hasn't said anything [update: disclosed]

[Coolit]

A soon to be ex that doesn't want alimony...is willing to move out so the children don't have to move (meaning she is leaving him with primary custody?)... I am beginning to have a very hard time believing this thread.

 

I would have done the very same thing. Except maybe the pimary care thing. We'd have either 50/50 or did something of the like. There is no way i would have ever taken my children from their father who they adore and the money would just mke things financially difficult for all of us which would have trickled down to the kids.

 

Not all waywards are monstera despite what the many bitter trolls on here think.

[Coolit]

You say you care about your marriage and care about saving it. WHY do you NOW care about your marriage?

 

This is such a stupid question. Like people never make poor decisions and then change there mind about ANYTHING. It is are God given right to change our minds. The OP got caught up in what is very exciting and fun while it lasts. Things take a back seat. It is a terrible thing to do. But lots and lots of people do it and of course you will neer get caught! What someone doesn't know can't hurt them.

 

And then you get caught and you are forced to wake up and face the nightmere your selfishness and lust got you.

 

So yeah, lots of people risk things that are important because they don't see the reality of it. I was just passed in a very dangerous way on the highway today. Had those adults crashed you would ask them "did you not value life enough to wait 2 klm for the passing lane?

 

There answer just might be "i thought I'd get away with it"

 

So yes the OP chose to devalue her marriage when she cheated. That doesn't mean now when faced with the reality of losing it she isn't feeling what she lost.

[AlwaysGrowing]

You say you care about your marriage and care about saving it. WHY do you NOW care about your marriage?

 

You get served a huge dose of reality. The rose coloured glasses come off, the prancing unicorns turn to dust and you are left looking at yourself in the mirror.

 

At any time in our lives...we are allowed to course correct. We all get lost, stumble, follow illogical maps.

 

Sofie has earned the help she is seeking, because she asked.

 

 

Sparty97: There are people who own their actions. I believe that those people generally did have a strong sense of Self, Right and Wrong and want to reclaim that part of themselves back.

[atreides]

This is such a stupid question. Like people never make poor decisions and then change there mind about ANYTHING. It is are God given right to change our minds. The OP got caught up in what is very exciting and fun while it lasts. Things take a back seat. It is a terrible thing to do. But lots and lots of people do it and of course you will neer get caught! What someone doesn't know can't hurt them.

 

And then you get caught and you are forced to wake up and face the nightmere your selfishness and lust got you.

 

So yeah, lots of people risk things that are important because they don't see the reality of it. I was just passed in a very dangerous way on the highway today. Had those adults crashed you would ask them "did you not value life enough to wait 2 klm for the passing lane?

 

There answer just might be "i thought I'd get away with it"

 

So yes the OP chose to devalue her marriage when she cheated. That doesn't mean now when faced with the reality of losing it she isn't feeling what she lost.

 

 

I would not go with the analogy you made. it's way different in scope and the process and logistics behind an affair especially the longer it goes is no comparison. The problem of "getting away with it attitude" via an affair is the intention, premeditation that is ongoing, it is deceitful in scope, a very different context.

i think the post was on the context of not believing the sincerity of wanting R and if so only out of fear which is one of a few trends of thought on this thread. She got busted, which then went to confession and etc... that makes many question and legitimately so.

 

I don't think the context is about not being able to change one's mind, they should have posted a little more context than a one liner.. .granted.

 

It's too convenient sometimes that while the law does what it should justly outside the realm of emotions and heartbreak but the "cheater" set the rules of the game in motion with the act of infidelity that forever changes so many variables for almost all the loved ones around them, that splitting of assets and custody and etc.... pale in comparison to the want for justification to remove the pain caused. While i admire your bravery and have respect for your honesty, "the fun while it lasts" has no counter weight for the BS, very few i have seen have real shame and those that were loyal even through thick or thin and said no to the "exciting and fun" because they knew better lose out in the context of being broken emotionally without even having a say about it.

[atreides]

You get served a huge dose of reality. The rose coloured glasses come off, the prancing unicorns turn to dust and you are left looking at yourself in the mirror.

 

At any time in our lives...we are allowed to course correct. We all get lost, stumble, follow illogical maps.

 

Sofie has earned the help she is seeking, because she asked.

 

 

Sparty97: There are people who own their actions. I believe that those people generally did have a strong sense of Self, Right and Wrong and want to reclaim that part of themselves back.

 

Again this is assuming there is genuine shame, i sadly know too many and even stories here, where it is absent. It's not enough for many who are on the other side of infidelity. Plus with time, all subsides, emotions wane however the variables of life are permanently changed and the BS never had a say about it from the start, the decisions were made for them.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Sofie can not atone for every wayward that ever existed.

 

She is here, asking for help to regain her Self Respect. Nothing she has posted points otherwise.

[atreides]

Sofie can not atone for every wayward that ever existed.

 

She is here, asking for help to regain her Self Respect. Nothing she has posted points otherwise.

 

i don't think anyone is asking her to atone for every wayward... people have opinions when stories are posted here; some with a lot of bias others less so and from both sides of infidelity.

[Sparty97]

Let's put it this way, I will not be shocked if her opinion on alimony changes once she meets with her lawyer.

[atreides]

Let's put it this way, I will not be shocked if her opinion on alimony changes once she meets with her lawyer.

 

Yep, too my point of one part of life keeps moving on, while the other gets dragged behind and never had any choice in the matter.

[Coolit]

I would not go with the analogy you made. it's way different in scope and the process and logistics behind an affair especially the longer it goes is no comparison. The problem of "getting away with it attitude" via an affair is the intention, premeditation that is ongoing, it is deceitful in scope, a very different context.

i think the post was on the context of not believing the sincerity of wanting R and if so only out of fear which is one of a few trends of thought on this thread. She got busted, which then went to confession and etc... that makes many question and legitimately so.

 

I don't think the context is about not being able to change one's mind, they should have posted a little more context than a one liner.. .granted.

 

It's too convenient sometimes that while the law does what it should justly outside the realm of emotions and heartbreak but the "cheater" set the rules of the game in motion with the act of infidelity that forever changes so many variables for almost all the loved ones around them, that splitting of assets and custody and etc.... pale in comparison to the want for justification to remove the pain caused. While i admire your bravery and have respect for your honesty, "the fun while it lasts" has no counter weight for the BS, very few i have seen have real shame and those that were loyal even through thick or thin and said no to the "exciting and fun" because they knew better lose out in the context of being broken emotionally without even having a say about it.

 

If you missed the sarcasm on my fun while it lasts i apologize.

 

And the car scenerio does work as to that one line fo a question. Because reckless drivers continue driving recklessly. It isn't usually a one time choice but a daily decision. They logically must know that they are taking risk but feel they will escape the consequences. And often they keep pushing even farther. It is an unemotional example but it is still in the brain

And a choice being made daily, like having an affair.

 

Sophie had her own set of jusifications behind her A I am sure. Mine were that I wasn't going to get caught. Which was stupid. And if I had got caught at any point it would have just kickstarted my remorse a little earlier. It would have been a brutal wake up call. But no matter how things ended I still could have came to the realization that I paid too high of a price for momentary pleasure.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I accept people without alphabet soup titles dictating my opinion of them.

 

I do not subscribe to once a cheater always a cheater.

 

I believe that most people are horrified when they actually bear witness to the pain they have caused.

 

I chose to give my light, there is way too much darkness.

[atreides]

I accept people without alphabet soup titles dictating my opinion of them.

 

I do not subscribe to once a cheater always a cheater.

 

I believe that most people are horrified when they actually bear witness to the pain they have caused.

 

I chose to give my light, there is way too much darkness.

 

 

Commendable,

I also do not subscribe to once a cheater always a cheater either, but that line of thinking is void of the first act of betrayal. "If they cheat again" is not the issue and therefore should not have relevance to the matter. The BS is betrayed, left with very little choice other than the cards dealt them post the betrayal.

 

"Belief in most are horrified..." for me i have been witness to too much of the opposite and see the same here in a lot but not all of the stories. Some of us tend to have mercy out of the gate and that is a beautiful trait to have but it can override reality and carry with it much blindness to other emotions at play.

 

As for light and too much darkness, i disagree, we must have both to know both. More importantly if one resides or visits either side of that coin, it is imperative that they learn it. We tend to let joy and happiness go and never question it's opposite but when we visit the dark, it's a mad rush to leave it through mercy, forgiveness and forget. Much can be learned and feelings experienced and when we finally do emerge we are a better person for it, that is if we are allowed to learn from it.

Edited September 25, 2013 by atreides

[AlwaysGrowing]

Oh sir, I am very much aware that the light can show me the dark. It helps me to see it much more clearly.

[atreides]

If you missed the sarcasm on my fun while it lasts i apologize.

 

And the car scenerio does work as to that one line fo a question. Because reckless drivers continue driving recklessly. It isn't usually a one time choice but a daily decision. They logically must know that they are taking risk but feel they will escape the consequences. And often they keep pushing even farther. It is an unemotional example but it is still in the brain

And a choice being made daily, like having an affair.

 

Sophie had her own set of jusifications behind her A I am sure. Mine were that I wasn't going to get caught. Which was stupid. And if I had got caught at any point it would have just kickstarted my remorse a little earlier. It would have been a brutal wake up call. But no matter how things ended I still could have came to the realization that I paid too high of a price for momentary pleasure.

 

No, i have respect for your honesty of why you cheated. I had no issue with the use of "fun."

 

My only point is the scope of deceit in an A vs a car analogy.

That said, I do not know how long Sophie would have kept going with the A, but it begs the question... while i have bore witness to one night stands what does a woman and i single "woman" out as most use an emotional defense vs "having fun" such as yourself or most men; is there a seen end destination when entering that "kind" of affair, how long is it to last and is it meant to replace the H eventually if the OM were to take them in? It is the build up and constant premeditation of deceit that makes it so devastating the longer it goes and i have seen years.

 

This i am sure is what is in Sophie's H's head, had the phone call never been placed, "how long.. just how long would she be willing to do this to me, look me in the eye every day, kiss me off to work and does she think of him when she is with me" and so on.

Edited September 25, 2013 by atreides

[Coolit]

 

This i am sure is what is in Sophie's H's head, had the phone call never been placed, "how long.. just how long would she be willing to do this to me, look me in the eye every day, kiss me off to work and does she think of him when she is with me" and so on.

And that is the question that no one, not wven the wayward can answer. Had my H "caught" me a week earlier, or even a day, I too wouldn't have been able to give the whole answer. And that is why confession is always better than discovery because it does take that bit of unknown out of it.

 

I am sorry for Sophie that she screwed up so bad R looks very unlikely. I am sorry for her boys that they now will grow up in a broken home. I feel sorry for her H that he was hurt so bad he doesn't even want to express any emotions to her.

 

I feel sorry for anyone who does something terrible but feels true remorse after. I feel sorry for them because they brought it on themselves and have to live the rest of their life with that.

 

I feel sorry for people who don't feel remorse because I think they are pathetic and will just continue on in life destroying everything they touch.

[BetrayedH]

It's legitimate to ask Sophie why she had the sudden change of heart because it's probably the most basic question her husband will have. She will need to have an answer. So far she hasn't even answered us. As I said previously, she needs an answer for why she cheated and why she wants to reconcile. Perhaps the "I didn't think I would get caught" one is the best. It's probably the honest answer and doesn't blameshift.

 

Without meaning any offense, Coolit, your H is an anomaly. Most WW have to answer these types of questions about a hundred times and in a hundred different ways. I don't mean to discount your difficulties but compared to most BH's, yours let you off easy. I credit him for instinctively knowing that it wasn't about him. Sophie shouldn't remotely expect a similar reaction. She needs answers, and good ones.

[Sofie2013]

You say you care about your marriage and care about saving it. WHY do you NOW care about your marriage?

 

 

I always cared about my marriage and I never for a second ever thought about leaving my husband. My affair started out as more of an emotional affair and it became physical about the last 3 months of the affair. It was exciting and intoxicating I had chance to stop the affair but I just couldn’t I was really addicted to all the lovey dovey text and Secret meetings . I knew it was wrong but I thought if I was careful no one would find out and no one would get hurt. I was really in a fantasy. It was like high school all over again we didn’t have to worry about anything just about us. Obviously I wasn’t thinking straight. I knew if my husband found out there would be a fall out but It never crossed my mind that he would actually leave me we been together for so long I thought he would always be there. I took him for granted and now I’m paying the price.

[Coolit]

It's legitimate to ask Sophie why she had the sudden change of heart because it's probably the most basic question her husband will have. She will need to have an answer. So far she hasn't even answered us. As I said previously, she needs an answer for why she cheated and why she wants to reconcile. Perhaps the "I didn't think I would get caught" one is the best. It's probably the honest answer and doesn't blameshift.

 

Without meaning any offense, Coolit, your H is an anomaly. Most WW have to answer these types of questions about a hundred times and in a hundred different ways. I don't mean to discount your difficulties but compared to most BH's, yours let you off easy. I credit him for instinctively knowing that it wasn't about him. Sophie shouldn't remotely expect a similar reaction. She needs answers, and good ones.

 

Good points. But still the answer is obvious.

 

The WS values the marriage. If they didn't they wouldn't hide what they are doing from their spouse. They'd just do it. Or leave.

 

A better question is why does the ws value the marriage. Convenience, children, money, love, comfortableness, image, fear. The answer could be anything.

 

Why does sophie Sophie want to stay married?

 

Oh i see you answered, sophie... My page didn't update.

[Sofie2013]

A soon to be ex that doesn't want alimony...is willing to move out so the children don't have to move (meaning she is leaving him with primary custody?)... I am beginning to have a very hard time believing this thread.

 

I don’t plan on just leaving my kids I never said that and I plan to fight if my husband does try to take them. I want 50/50 which I think is fair and if I knew I could afford the house I would also ask to stay in the house. I said it before I don’t have the means to afford the payments. I would end losing the house in a year of two anyway. Now if my husband was willing help me out or something then I would like to stay in the house but I have to face the facts.

[Sofie2013]

I would have done the very same thing. Except maybe the pimary care thing. We'd have either 50/50 or did something of the like. There is no way i would have ever taken my children from their father who they adore and the money would just mke things financially difficult for all of us which would have trickled down to the kids.

 

Not all waywards are monstera despite what the many bitter trolls on here think.

 

This is my logic behind everything why make the kids suffer more then have to. My husband a great father and my boys also adore and love him so why I would want to destroy that bound. I always believed a boy’s father is the most important part of his life.

[atreides]

And that is the question that no one, not wven the wayward can answer. Had my H "caught" me a week earlier, or even a day, I too wouldn't have been able to give the whole answer. And that is why confession is always better than discovery because it does take that bit of unknown out of it.

 

 

 

Just in my experiences where i have had to be part of the fallout and my friends now and then going back into the military as well years ago. When the "men" cheated, they knew exactly what they wanted, usually one night stand and or set a desire.. got it and got out. They went back to their wives, never had guilt and to my knowledge never cheated again. Most now many more years into their marriage. (not excusing the behavior, don't take it that way) Only two men out of the lot, went longer and sought more than just a fling and ended up divorcing for the new women and that was their goal in the end having hindsight with them.

As for the women i know that cheated and it is ironic that i can count more women who strayed then the men, at least of those found out shall we say. The women seemed to be very confused, disoriented, they had no idea what they wanted or why. It almost always ended in divorce when it came to the women cheating. In hindsight, however we learned they had clear objectives, they clearly fell out of love and admitted to it but played the remorseful role quite well. 3 of them should get Oscars for the show they put on to their H for how sorry they were.

So i try not to project this on everyone, but most of the time in every "woman cheating" i know there was a lot of apologizing at first which turned out to be for not or only for the kids, money, stability .. .what have you which is miles from being or having the love of the H they started out with.

 

My point to all of this and why i singled out "women" and there are exceptions with men, yes... but i would argue not the majority... Is that I see a checking out and actual falling out with the H and in to love with the OM. A clear decision and intention is made which goes far beyond a sexual desire or "conquest" for a one time fling. In other words, it involves much more which brings me to Sophie in that the H may never know... we will never know... but it is the issue that is at hand. This becomes I think a big issue at least when it is the wife or husband who has gone beyond a fling to an emotional attachment that leads to much more. Perhaps it is unknown because the variables of possible outcomes get weighed and so on which means the possibility of moving on is in much more serious question that the BS asks themselves.

 

It is my opinion, perhaps not in your case as much but perhaps with Sophie that if there is true R that it requires a "falling back in love" esp for the WS when it is as i described above.

 

Perhaps in the end the flings seemed to be forgiven but the emotional check outs were not and or perhaps there is a double standard or expectation of how and what happens when a women cheats vs a man.

[atreides]

 

Without meaning any offense, Coolit, your H is an anomaly. Most WW have to answer these types of questions about a hundred times and in a hundred different ways. I don't mean to discount your difficulties but compared to most BH's, yours let you off easy. I credit him for instinctively knowing that it wasn't about him. Sophie shouldn't remotely expect a similar reaction. She needs answers, and good ones.

 

I 200% agree with this.

[atreides]

I always cared about my marriage and I never for a second ever thought about leaving my husband. My affair started out as more of an emotional affair and it became physical about the last 3 months of the affair.

 

I have respect for your willingness to put yourself out there and share your story.... that said i mean no offense and is in part why i am more of a detractor is that the above i find your statement contradictory. "I always cared about my marriage and I never for a second ever thought about leaving my husband" then to " My affair started out as more of an emotional affair"

This was exactly my point on another post. You may say i am wrong but i think you always cared about your family, you see your H with your kids as a a package of what you want but not your H as in a "marriage."

 

This is my logic behind everything why make the kids suffer more then have to. My husband a great father and my boys also adore and love him so why I would want to destroy that bound. I always believed a boy’s father is the most important part of his life.

 

The above furthers my point, your H and kids are an inseparable package but not the romantic part you want. I have seen many divorces where it was amicably settled and the kids got over it without issue. Many times it is better to divorce rather than have the kids suffer through a relationship that is for not or is forced upon one's mind because they want it to happen and therefore have wishful thinking that they can will it to happen.

[Sofie2013]

I have respect for your willingness to put yourself out there and share your story.... that said i mean no offense and is in part why i am more of a detractor is that the above i find your statement contradictory. "I always cared about my marriage and I never for a second ever thought about leaving my husband" then to " My affair started out as more of an emotional affair"

This was exactly my point on another post. You may say i am wrong but i think you always cared about your family, you see your H with your kids as a a package of what you want but not your H as in a "marriage."

 

 

 

The above furthers my point, your H and kids are an inseparable package but not the romantic part you want. I have seen many divorces where it was amicably settled and the kids got over it without issue. Many times it is better to divorce rather than have the kids suffer through a relationship that is for not or is forced upon one's mind because they want it to happen and therefore have wishful thinking that they can will it to happen.

 

I do see my husband and kids as “package”. I’m not going to lie and say the kids aren’t part of the reason why I would love to work things out because they are. They are many other reasons why I want this to work out. My husband is still much bigger part of the reason why I want to stay. I also agree with you that people should not just stay for the kids because it usually never works out that not to say you shouldn’t at least try to work things out and if it doesn’t work then it’s time to move on .

 

The emotional part of my affair wasn’t so that I loved my AP. He just made me feel wanted and desired. Around this time my husband and I stared speeding less time together. My husband around this time knew his firm was looking for a new partner and he wanted it so he stared working harder and longer hours. To his credit he did tell and we talked about and I agreed. I guess my marriage was somewhat in a rut it wasn’t a bad marriage it just lost its spark. Which lead me to make some seriously bad choices which I truly regret ever making I truly want this marriage to work from the bottom of my heart because I love my husband and I want be with him.

[Zenstudent]

I like your honesty in this post. I just want to point out, that if you believe there should be a spark in your marriage every single day, 24/7/365, you might get disappointed.