He knows about my affair but hasn't said anything [update: disclosed]

[Realist3]

Oh, I bet a good lawyer could figure out a perfectly legal way to do it.

 

It is called dissipation and could lead to disbarment, not to mention other sanctions and fines. It is one of the dumbest things people do.

[stillafool]

I have to give it up to the husband as he handled this very well. He kept calm and went to work on his plan. Very smart. He has had alot of time to think this over and think this through. The fact that he doesn't even want to hear anything she has to say is very telling. Most BS want to hear what stupid excuses the WS has to say even if they don't believe them. He probably knows way more than OP thinks he does. Fasten your seat belt OP as this is going to be a very bumpy ride.

[road]

Well my confession talk did not go as planned. To be honest he didn’t let me tell him anything. It seems like we will be getting a divorce he didn’t say it our right but he does have something planned. I did try to explain to him but he wasn’t having it and he already knew everything he needs to know and any more information would be pointless. I asked multiple times what he meant but all he said was I would find out just as he had to find out. All in all I have more questions now than I did before. Although I’m pretty sure my marriage is over.

 

As for me I am a mess. I can’t stop crying and shacking I really don’t know what to do. I keep trying to find ways for him to talk to me and give up on anything he’s planning so we could work on our marriage and there isn’t any good reason for him to stick around. So if I can’t find any reason for him to stay then who knows what he’s thinking. I really give everything up for a few sex sessions with a man that isn’t half of the man I am married to. God wtf is wrong with me.

 

 

You do not what to do?

 

You were told on post 57 to get a book. Now I will advise you to get two. One for BH and one for you. Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. That book will teach what to do.

[beatcuff]

i think many maybe caught up in the trees. i just read the entire thread. in the early stages while posters were speculating why BS had said nothing a few said --- 'maybe he was also having one'. could that be the case? he can move on.

 

OR you overlooked his profession (atty). so while the WS is advised to confess everything as the path to reconciliation under the theory of 'closure'. the fact is it is dead. knowing the details does not change that fact.

 

otherwise as for the shock value he did play it well.

[klotzak]

Sofie,

You have done the hardest thing I hope you'll ever have to do in live. At this moment in time life looks pretty bleak/ugly, THIS IS SHORT LIVED in the grand scheme of things.

Now is the time for reflection and for you to make that choice.....do whatever it takes to save your marriage or take the cowards option and give in.

If it was easy everybody would fight, it definitely is NOT easy, a strong dose of humiliation and humble pie isn't the end of the world, it's character building.

Get in there girl, fight, prove yourself a better person after this. It will be the fight of your life but from what I've read from you - you are up for it. What may present itself as a 1% chance of success is worth going for here as there are force multipliers that can easilly and quickly spin that figure upwards to more favourable odds.

If you believe you want this marriage then believe in yourself and what you had before. Like I say if it was easy there would be no divorce rate!

[NotCamelot]

I'm sorry, but you will get no sympathy from me. The moment you decided to accept the attention of your coworker, you lit the fuse.

 

So, you think you feel bad? I can tell you, you really have no idea how your husband feels. And it is much worse than you feel.

 

He dialed the hotel room phone for a reason. You stated that he always called your cell phone. He just needed confirmaton.

 

How did you really think this was going to end?

 

I really don't want to sound mean, but, you caused this. You infliceted the worst pain possible on your husband. Be an adult. Aplogize as much as you can, then let him proceed as he needs to put his life back together. Take your lessons learned into a future relationship. But, never forget how your actions are not all about you.

 

Someone had to say it.

Edited September 24, 2013 by NotCamelot

[Owl]

Sofie, I'm sorry, but not surprised by this turn of events.

 

He's within his rights for what he's opted to do.

 

At this point, all you can do is take measures to protect yourself. Given what you were told last night, you really should hire a divorce attorney and explore your options.

 

In some ways, it's good thing you talked with him and learned that he's "planning something"...it gives you some measure of opportunity to act without being completely blindsided.

 

Keep in mind...this all part and parcel a consequence of your actions.

 

My suggestion is to give him what he's asked for. Stop trying to talk/engage him, take action to protect yourself as needed, and prepare for the next stage in your life.

[Chi townD]

Here's the sad thing. People have their dealbreakers. Everyone has a breaking point. I think you found your husbands. And the thing is, you can be sorry all you want, but one thing is NEVER going to get out of his head is hearing another man answering your phone at three in the morning and then handing that phone off to you while you two were in bed together. At that moment HIS wife was sharing a bed with another man. That mental image isn't going to leave his head anytime soon.

 

Sorry, but I believe you're more sorry that you were caught rather than sorry about having an affair. You planned it all out. Making sure that things didn't happen until you were away on business. No way he could ever find out because you were hundreds of miles away! Hell, you were probably looking forward to that time! And look what it cost you. Your husband and your kids. Yeah, you're still their mother and will always be their mother. But, if I read it right, they're 7 now. And you're only going to see them through 1/2 their childhood now. Because most family judges are becoming more partial to joint custody. Meaning you're only going to have them 50% of the time. I mean, you played with fire and you got burned. Your actions have consequences.

 

SO, listen to the other posters. Give him time. Talk to a lawyer and find out where you stand.

[waterwoman]

Well FWIW I am sorry for you. You did something wrong, you have stopped, you want to make amends and you aren't being given the choice. But in the end it's your H's prerogative to make that decision and it was a risk you took.

[stillafool]

i think many maybe caught up in the trees. i just read the entire thread. in the early stages while posters were speculating why BS had said nothing a few said --- 'maybe he was also having one'. could that be the case? he can move on.

 

I'm still wondering if he is involved in an affair. Although I admire how he has handled this his reaction to her cheating is not normal unless his emotions are made of steel. I's almost as if he doesn't care he just wants out. OP may have played right into his hands by having her own affair giving him the ammo he needed to file for divorce and keep his assets.

[whichwayisup]

Well my confession talk did not go as planned. To be honest he didn’t let me tell him anything. It seems like we will be getting a divorce he didn’t say it our right but he does have something planned. I did try to explain to him but he wasn’t having it and he already knew everything he needs to know and any more information would be pointless. I asked multiple times what he meant but all he said was I would find out just as he had to find out. All in all I have more questions now than I did before. Although I’m pretty sure my marriage is over.

 

As for me I am a mess. I can’t stop crying and shacking I really don’t know what to do. I keep trying to find ways for him to talk to me and give up on anything he’s planning so we could work on our marriage and there isn’t any good reason for him to stick around. So if I can’t find any reason for him to stay then who knows what he’s thinking. I really give everything up for a few sex sessions with a man that isn’t half of the man I am married to. God wtf is wrong with me.

 

Very painful lesson, to lose all that you know and love...for what? Hot sex on the side.

 

Some people do not forgive infidelity and do not give second chances. Looks like your husband is one of those men, though it seems the disconnect and detachment in your marriage for both of you probably has made this decision for him much easier. Not worth saving.

 

Do talk to your family and friends, get support and do call a lawyer to protect yourself. Fact that your husband isn't talking much about his next step you should be prepared for anything.

[atreides]

Well my confession talk did not go as planned. To be honest he didn’t let me tell him anything. It seems like we will be getting a divorce he didn’t say it our right but he does have something planned. I did try to explain to him but he wasn’t having it and he already knew everything he needs to know and any more information would be pointless. I asked multiple times what he meant but all he said was I would find out just as he had to find out. All in all I have more questions now than I did before. Although I’m pretty sure my marriage is over.

 

As for me I am a mess. I can’t stop crying and shacking I really don’t know what to do. I keep trying to find ways for him to talk to me and give up on anything he’s planning so we could work on our marriage and there isn’t any good reason for him to stick around. So if I can’t find any reason for him to stay then who knows what he’s thinking. I really give everything up for a few sex sessions with a man that isn’t half of the man I am married to. God wtf is wrong with me.

 

 

I get you feel sorry for what you did... but he wrote you off just as you did him with your actions. That is exactly how one of my best friends did it, he found out, got the evidence, got a lawyer and divorced. He did not need to hear anything from her, "what's done is done" he said. "There are lines that you do not cross" he also said.

 

Some give second chances and listen to to all the bs excuses given while others do not. Maybe now you can find another man that you will be more happy with.

[atreides]

I'm still wondering if he is involved in an affair. Although I admire how he has handled this his reaction to her cheating is not normal unless his emotions are made of steel. I's almost as if he doesn't care he just wants out. OP may have played right into his hands by having her own affair giving him the ammo he needed to file for divorce and keep his assets.

 

It's not about emotions of steel but for some, once a line is crossed it is a done deal. I am sure he is hurting and was very hurt. But he sees no point is showing it or listening to excuses. Good for him. One of my best friends did it the same way and they had kids.

[aliveagain]

You had to have considered this scenario when you became O/M's mistress. Most never expect to be discovered but just look at the thousands of members just on this site that one way or another did get discovered. There is one married Other Woman on this site that posts exactly that right now, she doesn't expect to be discovered, I no longer post on her site. My ex never expected to be caught. What was your back up plan for your worst case scenario? My guess is your company is about to be told about your relationship with your coworker Other Man, is your position or that of the O/M at risk if exposed? If you are at risk you may want to take the proper action, talk to a lawyer. I still think that Criminal Conversation and Alienation of Affections are part of his plan, he's going after O/M financially. He probably has all your phone records, travel schedules, hotel stay information, credit card activity and may have had a private detective following you. Infidelity may be an absolute deal breaker for him and right now your focus should be on your boys, protect them, things are about to get ugly. Talk to your family, get emotional support.

 

I believe your refusal to confront your husband when you returned from Florida has a lot to do with your current situation. He gave you a month to do so and you acted like nothing happened, that told him everything he needed to know.

Edited September 24, 2013 by aliveagain

[Sofie2013]

I wouldn't be a bit surprised if the husband had spent a bunch of time since finding out about the affair protecting his assets and offshoring as much $$$ as possible.

 

 

Almost all of my husband assets are already protected. So he doesn’t really need to hide anything I probably couldn’t get my hands on them even if I wanted to.

[Sofie2013]

Sorry to read things went sideways.

 

My advice is to accept his words and actions as valid and move to protect yourself and your children to the fullest extent of the law. As he apparently does not to currently wish, if ever, to work on the marriage, then I would assemble a legal team for next steps and suggest mediation, if available, as the first move. If you want to be sure to ensure your motions for support, etc, get in front of the court, file first. Otherwise, it's you that's under the gun, which can be hard to deal with in your current emotional state. In the end, it likely won't matter but IME, at the beginning, it can.

 

There are a lot of scenarios which come to mind, but speculation is IMO counterproductive. Go with the real. He doesn't want to communicate and says you'll find out what happens next ' the way he found out'. IMO, that's a threat I'd take seriously. Sleep on it and then get moving. Leave the door open to mediation or reconciliation but, regardless, move forward. Good luck.

 

 

The last thing I want to do his fight him in divorce becauseI would without a doubt would lose the fight. If he does want a divorce I would rather do it through mediation. I know he’s planning something which my guessis he has very hard evidence about m affair and plans to use it in court justhow much I don’t know.

[carhill]

If you live in a no-fault state the court won't care. If the state allows fault lawsuits, then he'll have to bankroll proving the fault to a judge, which goes far beyond calling some favors in from his legal buddies. Same with custody/support. Definitely shoot for fair and amicable, but don't fall on your sword in affair remorse hara-kiri. Those are separate issues.

 

IMO, be clear in communicating your remorse and desire to reconcile, as it appears that is what you wish to do, but no leakage over into the legal side. If he chooses to be a hard-ass, right back at him. No prisoners. You'll never know the full extent of what's in his mind. Not now, nor ever. Good luck.

[Sofie2013]

You do not what to do?

 

You were told on post 57 to get a book. Now I will advise you to get two. One for BH and one for you. Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. That book will teach what to do.

 

I am reading that book already one of my friends (the one I toldabout the affair) her husband also had an affair. She told the book was a great help in helpingher learn to forgive her husband. I also read a few other books about infidelityand affairs. I also plan to look into counseling .

[Betterthanthis13]

Well my confession talk did not go as planned. To be honest he didn’t let me tell him anything. It seems like we will be getting a divorce he didn’t say it our right but he does have something planned. I did try to explain to him but he wasn’t having it and he already knew everything he needs to know and any more information would be pointless. I asked multiple times what he meant but all he said was I would find out just as he had to find out. All in all I have more questions now than I did before. Although I’m pretty sure my marriage is over.

 

I wish this was the story I was telling about my breakup.... lots of respect for this BS. Like a boss is right.

 

Sofie, I am sorry for your pain, I read through the whole thread. As a few other posters suggested, your best bet is to focus on becoming the person you want to be- take action now with counseling, books etc to work on yourself. If reconcilliation is what you truly want, make a reconcilliation with you an attractive option for your husband by actively and thoroughly addressing all the issues you need to address and becoming 100% accountable for your actions. Hopefully he will notice, and find it in his heart to give you a chance to rebuild.

[Sofie2013]

I'm still wondering if he is involved in an affair. Although I admire how he has handled this his reaction to her cheating is not normal unless his emotions are made of steel. I's almost as if he doesn't care he just wants out. OP may have played right into his hands by having her own affair giving him the ammo he needed to file for divorce and keep his assets.

 

I know a lot of people think he might be having an affair but I doubt that’s the case. My husband rarely show any emotion and it’s even worse if he going through something troubling or traumatic. It caused many problems early on inyour marriage and it took us a while before he was willing to let me in. soeven though is reaction might seem I bit strange its somewhat normal being whohe is and all.

[HopingAgain]

If you live in a no-fault state the court won't care. If the state allows fault lawsuits, then he'll have to bankroll proving the fault to a judge, which goes far beyond calling some favors in from his legal buddies. Same with custody/support. Definitely shoot for fair and amicable, but don't fall on your sword in affair remorse hara-kiri. Those are separate issues.

 

IMO, be clear in communicating your remorse and desire to reconcile, as it appears that is what you wish to do, but no leakage over into the legal side. If he chooses to be a hard-ass, right back at him. No prisoners. You'll never know the full extent of what's in his mind. Not now, nor ever. Good luck.

 

I don't think this is good advice considering the fact that the divorce would be a direct result of Sofies indiscretions. Encouraging her to take no prisoners and be a legal hardass against a man who she's already inflicted a great deal of pain upon will not bode well for her at all.

 

Sofie if it comes to divorce proceedings take the humble road.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I believe that the bs has been investigating, and if any of the hook ups happened in places that allow criminal conversation and alienation of affection...then he will use his rightful legal means.

 

I also believe, that the bs is absolutely correct in keeping you out of his plans, you have already set the stage on how your relationship is to work. You set those ground rules.

[Sofie2013]

If you live in a no-fault state the court won't care. If the state allows fault lawsuits, then he'll have to bankroll proving the fault to a judge, which goes far beyond calling some favors in from his legal buddies. Same with custody/support. Definitely shoot for fair and amicable, but don't fall on your sword in affair remorse hara-kiri. Those are separate issues.

 

IMO, be clear in communicating your remorse and desire to reconcile, as it appears that is what you wish to do, but no leakage over into the legal side. If he chooses to be a hard-ass, right back at him. No prisoners. You'll never know the full extent of what's in his mind. Not now, nor ever. Good luck.

 

We do in a no fault but at fault still could be used but ifhe does file under adultery which probably is he would need very hard evidence.I don’t know what he has but he does have something. If we do divorce is bestif we do it amicable and it could save us money something I don’t have a lot of.

 

I don’t really I want think aboutdivorce even though it probably will happen I much rather focus my energy in repairingthe damage I have caused and hopefully saving my marriage

[AlwaysGrowing]

Start working on yourself. That is the greatest gift to you, your husband(whether soon to be x) and your children.

 

The most severe damage is what you did to YOU.

 

You sabotaged your Self. And all that that encompasses.

[katielee]

Integrity: Telling the truth, letting go of the outcome.

OP: this is your first step on the road to living an authentic life, with or without him...