He knows about my affair but hasn't said anything [update: disclosed]

[atreides]

This is untrue and offensive. You imply here that those that give second chances listen to bs excuses. Well you know what? Sometimes ws don't give any excuses and are given a second chance.

 

but that is the very thing i complimented you on, you did not give bd excuses. However your story's context is not the context here. when i comment, it is to the thread's context. maybe i missread it. but the context as to i understood it to this thread was that the OP did not understand the H's reaction. Clearly there was no R here on his part or so not at the moment, so i could not liken it to your situation where your H did not need any.

[stillafool]

I agree with James that you are one of the few women here who has had an affair and seem truly remorseful and trying to do the right thing.

[atreides]

i meant to say bs excuses, but the post could not be edited.

[Misfortune]

I really wonder if she's truly remorseful, scared of what her husband might be planning/what she might lose or a mixture of both.

[atreides]

I really wonder if she's truly remorseful, scared of what her husband might be planning/what she might lose or a mixture of both.

 

i am leaning this direction as well

[atreides]

The key component in trying to save your marriage after your infidelity is honesty and a willingness to be transparent (things like timelines, etc). This would be completely contrary to your attorney's advice in a divorce.

 

The reality is that your affair will probably have little impact on anything in a divorce.

 

This is spot on, the law vs what one's heart wants to do. If your H somehow comes around to work it out, more power to them... it just does not look that way at the moment

[Sofie2013]

Is this guy a lawyer as well? If so you can bet he is seeking advice from him and given that this man has been through the same scenario he will be more than willing to help your husband bleed you dry.

 

 

Yes he was a lawyer that worked with my husband. He retired few months after his divorce. My husband and he were somewhat close so they could be taking but his situation was a little different than what we are going through.

Edited September 24, 2013 by Sofie2013

[Sofie2013]

Again, I think you have a major conflict of interests here. On one hand, you want to reconcile (which requires a full confession and contrite apologies to multiple parties) and on the other, you want to protect yourself in a divorce.

 

My point is that you have to make a choice. Protecting yourself will probably destroy any chance of reconciliation. What is your priority? My gut says you NOT protect yourself but your example cited, you could be vunerable to an unforgiving judgment as well as an unforgiving husband.

 

I already thought about the worst possible outcome could be some of things I thought of do scare me but I already decided to do whatever it takes to make this work even if it means in the end I might end up with nothing.My main goal as of now is to save my marriage and family at whatever cost. I know many don’t agree with this but it’s what I have decided to do.

[Misfortune]

I already thought about the worst possible outcome could be some of things I thought of do scare me but I already decided to do whatever it takes to make this work even if it means in the end I might end up with nothing.My main goal as of now is to save my marriage and family at whatever cost. I know many don’t agree with this but it’s what I have decided to do.

 

Do what you feel is best for you and your kids. It doesn't matter whether we/you agree with your decision, it's up to your husband. You can't rebuild anything unless you both want it.

[NotCamelot]

I called the mm wife and asked her out to lunch. She was ok with it we are going meet up Thursday after work at restaurant. So I plan tell her everything then. I will try to see a lawyer before then maybe tomorrow.

 

 

Be careful. Please go to a very public place.

 

Does she have any idea why you want to meet up with her?

 

You are doing the right thing here. But be prepared for things to get crazy. I know if my Ws OM had met up with me to tell me before I knew, I would have went to jail that day for assault - or worse.

 

I'm just saying be ready for the fallout. You have helped to destroy her world as well as your husbands.

 

I wish you the best. I'd love to hear, in the coming weeks, that you and your husband are reconciling. I really would love to hear that. And, if that happens, remember how you got to this point. He will need a LOT of help to get past this......and the work for that is your responsibility.

[stillafool]

They are going out to lunch to talk so she will be in a public place.

[Sparty97]

No she shouldn't. She had kids. And people can say she should have thought about that earlier but she didn't and it changes nothing. Losing her kids is a decision the children can make as adults with no pressure from the BS given. If my H had "kicked me to the curb" I would have went to the couch. Because this is my home.

 

I also disagree strongly with disclosure to friends and family. There is rarely a reason to tell until the seperation begins. Blabbing things wide and far is just shoving your personal business in people's faces. She ahould tell the BW.

 

 

One of them will have to leave eventually. Are you suggesting that the faithful one should? And you say "she had kids" like he doesn't.

[Purepony]

No she shouldn't. She had kids. And people can say she should have thought about that earlier but she didn't and it changes nothing. Losing her kids is a decision the children can make as adults with no pressure from the BS given. If my H had "kicked me to the curb" I would have went to the couch. Because this is my home.

 

I also disagree strongly with disclosure to friends and family. There is rarely a reason to tell until the seperation begins. Blabbing things wide and far is just shoving your personal business in people's faces. She ahould tell the BW.

 

 

Biggest bs! Id hire two men to pick up the couch and her and leave her on the curb.

She should leave! She should have thought about that before she did what she did!

[atreides]

No husbands are not unknowing about a spouse that has an affair, My husband Was in both the Army and Navy. In the Army he was a communications/ battlefield intelligence expert, in the Navy he operated maintained and controlled the Trident fire control system on submarines and he was fully Qualified.

 

I had forgotten in my one night stand that his favorite hobby is networking all of his devices together, he tracked, listened and recorded every word, place, and action of my one night stand with my old boyfriend, he also recorded what was said about him between us. That was the night I had to find out that all of his training and knowledge made my husband dangerous, I found out that my husband used to read what was op-for or opposing force files on their commanding officer, then he would make recommendations about how the battle would unfold. An old CO of his said he was usually right about op-for personality's.

 

Just by listening to my old boyfriend my husband knew about how he would act around him when he was confronted. My husband set it up so that he would be the one to counter attack and be able to claim stand your ground.

 

I am scared to death of my husband but have no place else to go, the latest incident has made it imperative that I figure something out to save myself from further embarrassment.

 

I can't take the possibility that he will come home again. My freedom has been limited already. When people go and visit him he just asks what good the broken tool is, just a disappointment, he is dour and joyless now, we should have just let him die.

 

 

kudos to your H or ex H

[carhill]

With regard to vacating the marital domicile, I would, especially with two children at home, only do so upon the advice of competent legal counsel. There are issues surrounding custody and support, relevant to constructive abandonment, that may obtain. If in doubt, do not leave. Hopefully, more amicable solutions can be found.

[BetrayedH]

I already thought about the worst possible outcome could be some of things I thought of do scare me but I already decided to do whatever it takes to make this work even if it means in the end I might end up with nothing.My main goal as of now is to save my marriage and family at whatever cost. I know many don’t agree with this but it’s what I have decided to do.

 

I think this is commendable and a wise way to begin your healing process. In order to reconcile, you really have to be all-in. And frankly, that's what your husband deserves.

 

If he won't sit to hear your confession, then I would write it out. Show him that you're truly remorseful. To hell with the lawyers and legally protecting yourself. Be vulnerable, own your mistakes, apologize, be humble and contrite. Give him the respect of honesty even though it puts you at risk. Enroll in individual counseling ASAP. Express willingness to discuss the affair and answer questions. Make your confession and apology to the other BS.

 

Read the thread pinned at the top of this forum, Things That Every WS Needs To Know. Go ahead and read the book that Road suggested but avoid any blameshifting of the affair onto your marital problems or husband. You had other ethical, logical, healthy, and moral choices before you. Figure out why you made this choice for this coping mechanism instead.

 

Most of all, be prepared for the long haul. They say it takes 2-5 years and they're right.

 

Good luck to you. Having an affair doesn't need to define you or your marriage. How you respond to your mistakes can be more defining. Keep making decisions of which you can be proud and before you know it, you will be proud again. I don't know if your husband will give you another chance but many do. Start earning it with a chance of no return on the investment for you and he may just decide that you're worth it.

[atreides]

Biggest bs! Id hire two men to pick up the couch and her and leave her on the curb.

She should leave! She should have thought about that before she did what she did!

 

lol... the one question i have about the OP's situation and why i am a skeptic of the R vs fear or nowhere to go is what, where and how would the OP be if that phone call to the hotel room was never made. That dictates the intention of what the OP's H is thinking in my opinion. I would. It's not a confession but simply being busted.

 

In the end.. it is what it will be.

[Bryanp]

Sophie,

 

I would strongly suggest that you tell her immediately when you both enter the establishment. Do not order anything and tell her immediately. I guarantee you she probably will have no desire to eat anything and will probably walk out.

Good luck. You are doing the right thing and I strongly commend you for this.

 

I am curious but what inside of you thought this was a good idea to have an affair? Did you ever ask yourself how you would feel if your husband had an affair on you? Why were you willing to risk so much for so little? These are questions you need to answer for yourself in the future.

[Coolit]

One of them will have to leave eventually. Are you suggesting that the faithful one should? And you say "she had kids" like he doesn't.

 

Of course she will have to leave, when She is served. But for now she should stay in the home.

 

You are twisting my words. Of course he has kids. He shouldn't leave either. But until they both talk and he tells her what he has decided to do. she should stay.

[Coolit]

lol... the one question i have about the OP's situation and why i am a skeptic of the R vs fear or nowhere to go is what, where and how would the OP be if that phone call to the hotel room was never made. That dictates the intention of what the OP's H is thinking in my opinion. I would. It's not a confession but simply being busted.

 

In the end.. it is what it will be.

 

I think that is a common question regarding being caught or confessing. An answer the BS or the WS never knows. Sometimes being caught is enough to wake people out of their selfish stupor and it isn't all about the monetary. There are people who R after Catching their spouse though. And I guess they are the ones to ask.

[Coolit]

Biggest bs! Id hire two men to pick up the couch and her and leave her on the curb.

She should leave! She should have thought about that before she did what she did!

 

Not BS at all. What you suggest is actually against the law.

 

Also, there is children involved. And just because te WS didn't take the kids into consideration when engaging in the affair doesn't mean the BS shouldn't. I never think people should stat together because of the kids. But I do think they should avoid loud outbursts and name calling in front of the kids. I also think her getting tossed out on her ear in front of her kids is not right. Until they reach some sort of custody agreement she needs to stay there. Because if she goes out the door and he isn't talkin to her how will anything with the children be decided. Or if she takes the kids with her how is that good for him or them?

[atreides]

I think that is a common question regarding being caught or confessing. An answer the BS or the WS never knows. Sometimes being caught is enough to wake people out of their selfish stupor and it isn't all about the monetary. There are people who R after Catching their spouse though. And I guess they are the ones to ask.

 

 

In my opinion, confession says a lot... also in a strange way... if the affair is ended legit and never repeated... years go by as the WS never decides to tell the BS.. the betrayal occurred but intentionally corrected. It does not make it any better for the BS or change the betrayal... but from the stories i know and read on here, i think in the context of assuming levels of harm to intention of the WS, those instances aren't as deep, again IMO.

 

 

However the context of what is done to the BS in terms of disrespect also comes into play. So there are many more variables... but I just dont buy into the OP's intentions.

[BetrayedH]

OP, it is going to be important to figure out not just why you cheated but also to be able to explain why you want to stay. Many waywards stay after being caught out of a sense of guilt, obligation, or fear of exposure. These aren't good reasons to stay and they aren't likely to be accepted by your husband. And if your affair ended because the OM was a jerk, your H is just going to feel like your back-up plan.

[stillafool]

Also correct, you can't just kick out a cheating spouse.

 

 

I'm not saying this should be done in OPs case; but why can't you kick a cheating partner out?

[Coolit]

I'm not saying this should be done in OPs case; but why can't you kick a cheating partner out?

 

If you are married (and where I live after 6 months the government thinks of you as married) then the house you own belong to both of you. You can't kick someone out of their home.

 

If you are leasing I think it is different. You just hae to remove your SO's name off the lease.