He knows about my affair but hasn't said anything [update: disclosed]

[Sofie2013]

Thank for all the replies they mean a lot and have given meinsight. So thank you.

 

I today I didn’t go work mostly because I can’t keep myemotions in check. Every little thing makes me cry I’m just a mess inside. I doplan on telling my family about my affair and what might either today ortomorrow. I will also tell the om wife since she deserves to know as well. She wasa very good friend and I paid her back with betrayal. I would like to ask how doI go about telling her. I was thinking of sending her an email or should I doit face to face any ideas

[Coolit]

She cheated...she should leave.

 

No she shouldn't. She had kids. And people can say she should have thought about that earlier but she didn't and it changes nothing. Losing her kids is a decision the children can make as adults with no pressure from the BS given. If my H had "kicked me to the curb" I would have went to the couch. Because this is my home.

 

I also disagree strongly with disclosure to friends and family. There is rarely a reason to tell until the seperation begins. Blabbing things wide and far is just shoving your personal business in people's faces. She ahould tell the BW.

[Coolit]

Thank for all the replies they mean a lot and have given meinsight. So thank you.

 

I today I didn’t go work mostly because I can’t keep myemotions in check. Every little thing makes me cry I’m just a mess inside. I doplan on telling my family about my affair and what might either today ortomorrow. I will also tell the om wife since she deserves to know as well. She wasa very good friend and I paid her back with betrayal. I would like to ask how doI go about telling her. I was thinking of sending her an email or should I doit face to face any ideas

 

Face to face if you were friends. I wish I had because emotions are hard to convey in an email. And as you were her friend she shouldn't just get an email.

 

Don't give xMM a heads up or he may try to get some lies into her head before you get there.

 

Others may have a different opinion. Just remember there is no good way to tell someone you banged their spouse.

[Coolit]

Some give second chances and listen to to all the bs excuses given while others do not. Maybe now you can find another man that you will be more happy with.

 

This is untrue and offensive. You imply here that those that give second chances listen to bs excuses. Well you know what? Sometimes ws don't give any excuses and are given a second chance.

[Coolit]

I don't think it matters how you tell her. as long as you do tell her. Face to face is probably not a good idea. Phone call should do it...so you can answer questions. Just be honest and be compassionate.

 

I forgot about using a phone. That would still be perferable over a text or email.

 

Though thinking about t the good thing about an email is you can give her a timeline. Precise timelines are harder to lie out of. Because trust me, there is a very good chance xMM will make up wild stories about you in order to save his marriage. Being thrown under the bus is a very real and common thing. (sorry all you current ows but it is true, when puh comes to shove,

Most MM push and shove)

[Sofie2013]

No she shouldn't. She had kids. And people can say she should have thought about that earlier but she didn't and it changes nothing. Losing her kids is a decision the children can make as adults with no pressure from the BS given. If my H had "kicked me to the curb" I would have went to the couch. Because this is my home.

 

I also disagree strongly with disclosure to friends and family. There is rarely a reason to tell until the seperation begins. Blabbing things wide and far is just shoving your personal business in people's faces. She ahould tell the BW.

 

I don’t think my husband would kick me out but if we do divorce I wouldn’t be able to afford it so it would either be out up for sale or he would just buy me out

 

Now about telling ever one it going to happen sooner or later so why not just get it over with. Beside will probably need my family support in all of this although I might not get that much from them.

[Misfortune]

It would be interesting if the OM wife already knew before hand like your husband.

[Sofie2013]

Face to face if you were friends. I wish I had because emotions are hard to convey in an email. And as you were her friend she shouldn't just get an email.

 

Don't give xMM a heads up or he may try to get some lies into her head before you get there.

 

Others may have a different opinion. Just remember there is no good way to tell someone you banged their spouse.

 

 

Face to face would probably be best. I would be a little tricky because we do work together and I don’t want to cause a scene.

 

I don’t talk to the om anymore and I don’t plan on telling him any thing

[Misfortune]

Face to face would probably be best. I would be a little tricky because we do work together and I don’t want to cause a scene.

 

I don’t talk to the om anymore and I don’t plan on telling him any thing

 

Unless she's as leveled headed as your husband or doesn't care, I don't see how she wouldn't cause a scene. I would find somewhere a bit private yet populated in case things go south.

[Sofie2013]

It would be interesting if the OM wife already knew before hand like your husband.

It’s possible that she already knows maybe her husband confessed or my husband told her about the affiar.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I would suggest working on your resume...pronto.

 

His wife shouldn't have to go to work everyday and see you. Quitting your job would be the decent/kind thing to do.

 

I would also advise not to tell anyone else outside the need to know. His wife needs to know YESTERDAY. Anyone else can be let in, when it is relevant for them to be.

[BetrayedH]

Unless she's as leveled headed as your husband or doesn't care, I don't see how she wouldn't cause a scene. I would find somewhere a bit private yet populated in case things go south.

 

Good suggestion. I would do it somewhere public away from the office and after work. Bring proof as it is so common for the MM to lie and paint you as a crazy stalker. Keep your apology brief; explaining why you did this just comes off as justifying it. Assure her that it's over and you'll have NC with her H.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Start writing out a timeline of dates/times/events that happened. Copy all texts, emails, etc.

 

Apologize without blame. The state of your marriage does not give you justification for cheating.

[BetrayedH]

The key component in trying to save your marriage after your infidelity is honesty and a willingness to be transparent (things like timelines, etc). This would be completely contrary to your attorney's advice in a divorce.

 

The reality is that your affair will probably have little impact on anything in a divorce.

[aliveagain]

Start writing out a timeline of dates/times/events that happened. Copy all texts, emails, etc.

 

Apologize without blame. The state of your marriage does not give you justification for cheating.

 

 

May I make a suggestion that until you talk to a lawyer, put nothing in writing that will be used against you in a court of law unless the lawyer authorizes it. I know my posts have hurt you, sorry, but they were done to show you the true reality of your situation, most of us have already been there. Most lawyers will give you a first consultation at no cost. You need help selecting a lawyer, they may be familiar with your husband and in turn have a conflict representing you. You have rights to your home, do not leave even if you or he move to another area of the house. Contact your bank, make sure you have access to monies, he can only remove half. Make sure your children are safe, talk to your parents, they may have to help you financially. Get yourself into counseling immediately, most companies offer counseling as part of their medical benefits packages. Do Not Talk To Other Man, your husband will see this as accepting O/M over him. The only thing your husband will believe are your actions, show him you want the marriage by taking the appropriate actions.

[drifter777]

Sofie

 

Your story has triggered me.

 

I also discovered my husband's affair. After coming across something that caused me alarm I kept it to myself and hired a Private investigator. Within less than a week my suspicions were confirmed. I was devastated and felt so betrayed. I sat on the information and fought with myself over what I should do. When my husband returned from a business trip I handed him his suitcase and wished him well. I had already consulted a lawyer and was determined to divorce my husband.

 

My husband stayed in a hotel for over six weeks. He said exactly the same thing you said about risking our love, our marriage and family for a woman, half the woman he was married to.

 

My husband did not give up, he owned it, and became proactive, he sought Individual counselling, he was determined to be the man who he always wanted to be. He fought for me, but regardless as to whether we reconciled or not he did this anyway. This was two years ago, and we are together, stronger than ever.

 

There are no guarantees, but don't give up hope.

I know I'm risking the wrath of all BW's, but there are many more men who can not or will not accept their cheating wife back no matter how remorseful or persistent she is once discovered. In general, men have a much harder time getting past the sex and that is a deal-breaker for many. I'm not saying that OP will fail and should not keep trying, but I am saying that relentlessly pursuing him and begging him may only strengthen his resolve to divorce her. There is a certain satisfaction a BH gets from seeing his cheating wife suffer the consequences of her actions. If OP truly wants to try reconciliation and what she's doing now is not working then perhaps she should just make sure he understands that the door is open but accept his emotionally driven reaction and decisions at this point. Maybe some peaceful time alone will begin to take the horrible edge off of reality and motivate him to at least listen to her.

[AlwaysGrowing]

It may be an emotional driven reaction, or it may be a moral one.

 

I agree that the data suggests that BH are less likely to R.

[beatcuff]

OP, you need to slow down. get your head straight before opening the mouth. and certainly do not write/type/text/email anything until you talk with an atty. know what your rights are.

 

second talk with an IC, third, fourth and fifth continue civil conversations with BS. if only for the children. maybe his initial reaction was to 'shut down'. running around 'telling all' what you did may destroy any glimmers of R.

[Sofie2013]

I would suggest working on your resume...pronto.

 

His wife shouldn't have to go to work everyday and see you. Quitting your job would be the decent/kind thing to do.

 

I would also advise not to tell anyone else outside the need to know. His wife needs to know YESTERDAY. Anyone else can be let in, when it is relevant for them to be.

 

I already asked for a transfer to a different location. So I won’t be seeing either one of them anymore. I will still be working for the same company just different location.

[Sofie2013]

The key component in trying to save your marriage after your infidelity is honesty and a willingness to be transparent (things like timelines, etc). This would be completely contrary to your attorney's advice in a divorce.

 

The reality is that your affair will probably have little impact on anything in a divorce.

 

 

That’s what ever one has been saying. About a year ago oneof my husband friends (they worked together) divorced his wife of almost 25 years due to her affair and in the end she was left with nothing no alimony and no child support nothing . It was a clean break now I don’t know if the actuall yaffair played a role but my guess it did. My husband might be taking to his friend and getting advice from him but I don’t know for sure.

[Sofie2013]

I called the mm wife and asked her out to lunch. She was ok with it we are going meet up Thursday after work at restaurant. So I plan tell her everything then. I will try to see a lawyer before then maybe tomorrow.

[stillafool]

Face to face would probably be best. I would be a little tricky because we do work together and I don’t want to cause a scene.

 

I don’t talk to the om anymore and I don’t plan on telling him any thing

 

I agree. Don't take the cowards way out doing it by phone or email. She was a friend and you should face her.

[JamesM]

My thoughts are with you. Despite what you may have done to bring this about, you sound genuinely remorseful. I hope it all turns out well for you.

[stillafool]

That’s what ever one has been saying. About a year ago oneof my husband friends (they worked together) divorced his wife of almost 25 years due to her affair and in the end she was left with nothing no alimony and no child support nothing . It was a clean break now I don’t know if the actuall yaffair played a role but my guess it did. My husband might be taking to his friend and getting advice from him but I don’t know for sure.

 

Is this guy a lawyer as well? If so you can bet he is seeking advice from him and given that this man has been through the same scenario he will be more than willing to help your husband bleed you dry.

[BetrayedH]

Again, I think you have a major conflict of interests here. On one hand, you want to reconcile (which requires a full confession and contrite apologies to multiple parties) and on the other, you want to protect yourself in a divorce.

 

My point is that you have to make a choice. Protecting yourself will probably destroy any chance of reconciliation. What is your priority? My gut says you NOT protect yourself but your example cited, you could be vunerable to an unforgiving judgment as well as an unforgiving husband.