I am not indifferent

[Got it]

Betrayed, if I can interject, I would say you definitely mattered. Honestly, it wouldn't be so standoffish if you didn't matter. There wouldn't be that level of energy to be so cold, it would be more relax because that is an easier and more neutral way of being.

 

Regardless of what happened, you did and do matter. Whether or not she every acknowledges it to you, just looking at things logically, there is little chance that you never matter. You matter then. You still matter now.

[michelangelo]

I hate my ex-wife and she cheated far , far longer than yours did.

 

I don't want to play "top this."

 

My point is, sometimes when something so traumatic is done to you by a so-called loved one, the result is a permanent scar.

 

I've moved on, I even recently got engaged to an awesome lady, we will marry in the Spring.

 

It's been two years since I moved out, and not quite a year since the divorce.

 

Will I ever get to indifference?

 

I doubt it. And that doesn't bother me.

 

Why? Because she has ruined me financially and i dont have time to make up the lost time to make money.

 

She got half of everything and I get the privilege of writing her huge checks for eight more years.

 

That said, I do not obsess over her 24/7 and her crappy way of living.

 

My best hope is that she manipulates some other poor shmuck who takes her in.

 

Then i won't have to write checks any more.

 

As for you?

 

Enjoy yur new life!! Make new connections, don't bother with the ex-in-laws at all.

[BetrayedH]

Betrayed, if I can interject, I would say you definitely mattered. Honestly, it wouldn't be so standoffish if you didn't matter. There wouldn't be that level of energy to be so cold, it would be more relax because that is an easier and more neutral way of being.

 

Regardless of what happened, you did and do matter. Whether or not she every acknowledges it to you, just looking at things logically, there is little chance that you never matter. You matter then. You still matter now.

 

Thanks. And I'm sure you're right. Intellectually I know these things; I don't seem to reconcile them with the emotional side. That's frustrating. Something to work on.

[BetrayedH]

I hate my ex-wife and she cheated far , far longer than yours did.

 

I don't want to play "top this."

 

My point is, sometimes when something so traumatic is done to you by a so-called loved one, the result is a permanent scar.

 

I've moved on, I even recently got engaged to an awesome lady, we will marry in the Spring.

 

It's been two years since I moved out, and not quite a year since the divorce.

 

Will I ever get to indifference?

 

I doubt it. And that doesn't bother me.

 

Why? Because she has ruined me financially and i dont have time to make up the lost time to make money.

 

She got half of everything and I get the privilege of writing her huge checks for eight more years.

 

That said, I do not obsess over her 24/7 and her crappy way of living.

 

My best hope is that she manipulates some other poor shmuck who takes her in.

 

Then i won't have to write checks any more.

 

As for you?

 

Enjoy yur new life!! Make new connections, don't bother with the ex-in-laws at all.

 

Hmm. You might be right about the permanent scar. Time will tell, I suppose.

 

Good luck with your engagement (and the schmuck taking over your alimony thing).

[beach]

I'm a checklist kinda guy so writing goals resonates with me; but I'm admittedly better at the short-term stuff. I'm definitely lacking long-term direction. I had all of my eggs one basket and that had everything to do with a nuclear family.

 

As or my GF, she's not threatened by my ex, nor should she be. My feelings for my ex aren't of the romantic nature. My issues have more to do with what my next life looks like. She is also divorced and I think that helps us relate.

 

Anger is fear in disguise. You can consider what you're afraid of.

 

I understand it after what happened to you. But it helps if you can find role models of HONEST and authentic women to know - it helps to begin to trust women again in general.

 

 

It also may help you to engage with your exW with as few words as possible. This minimizes engaging with her and grows your "emotions with her" smaller. Practice it - 5 words or less while communicating. Yes, no, maybe can usually suffice. It may look like "pick up kids at 5".

 

Bare minimum and the least emotion is best FOR YOU.

 

Try it for a while - it helped me to feel unemotional (neutral) about him.

[Snowflower]

 

 

I have a better understanding of why she cheated than she does. Her short answer would be that she'd been unhappy with our marriage for years.

 

 

Yep!^^^ I think this is so common with WS and why it is very difficult to reconcile successfully with them. So few will delve deep enough to understand why they did what they did. That type of introspection is foreign to them.

 

I will always believe that someone who is self-aware will not cheat.

 

Chin up, BH! You're such an asset here and I'm glad things are getting better for you.

[Steadfast]

As for what I feel when I see her, I don't think love or loathing are the right words at all. It's more awkward and irritating....I will say that many times I leave the exchanges feeling hurt; it's so business-like that it's like I never mattered.

 

Yeah. It's beating your ex to the punch. That's why I always tell betrayed spouses that they will be the last person to know how their ex really feels. That's pride. Pride often gets in the way of good decisions. And happiness.

 

Thanks for the clarification. Irritation is an emotion I can identify with well. Five years out the residual pull results from her emotional shift. Example: She never, ever called me by name. It's rare (I haven't even seen her in nearly a year) but be it a text or in person when she uses my name; it's like I'm booking a dental appointment. Beyond that, I can't explain it, but it always leaves me feeling empty. I ignore her when she does that.

 

The point: Some things will never settle completely. In a way, I'm kind of glad. The betrayal give me a bit of an edge. A springboard to better things.

 

Thanks for expressing my feelings better than I could. You're good at that.

[RightThere]

I have a better understanding of why she cheated than she does.

 

I absolutely love this quote. Amazing how clear things are to the ones who are not even actually cheating.

[BetrayedH]

Yeah. It's beating your ex to the punch. That's why I always tell betrayed spouses that they will be the last person to know how their ex really feels. That's pride. Pride often gets in the way of good decisions. And happiness.

 

Thanks for the clarification. Irritation is an emotion I can identify with well. Five years out the residual pull results from her emotional shift. Example: She never, ever called me by name. It's rare (I haven't even seen her in nearly a year) but be it a text or in person when she uses my name; it's like I'm booking a dental appointment. Beyond that, I can't explain it, but it always leaves me feeling empty. I ignore her when she does that.

 

The point: Some things will never settle completely. In a way, I'm kind of glad. The betrayal give me a bit of an edge. A springboard to better things.

 

Thanks for expressing my feelings better than I could. You're good at that.

 

Funny you mention the name thing. My ex has done the same thing. But this week when I said she could take my son for that football game she wrote, Thanks (my first name). I took note of it and interpreted it as her softening.

 

As you can see, things are dramatically improving. He, He.

[ChooseTruth]

Anger is fear in disguise. You can consider what you're afraid of.

 

I understand it after what happened to you. But it helps if you can find role models of HONEST and authentic women to know - it helps to begin to trust women again in general.

 

This is such a big thing for me right now. I think I've had a lot of anger towards women in general... To get to know other women who are completely different from my ex and show me direct undeniable proof that not all women are like her. Not just the faithful BWs either, some of the more recent fWWs here have made me feel much more at ease with my decisions. Sophie, CompulsiveDancer, and Coolit to be specific, the difference between them and my ex in R is so massive.

 

But BH has stated I think that he's had less problems with generalizing. Still man, focus on your new woman. Someone that makes you happy.

 

I'd love to be in a new relationship right now, but I'm happy just befriending women with good qualities for the time being. It's incredibly healing.

[harrybrown]

Some day, I hope your ex will tell you that she is sorry for hurting you.

 

Of course, I hope someday my wife will give me all the truth.

 

Of course, many a WW dreams of the land of the unicorns. And this world will never be fair and there will be no justice.

 

But maybe your GF can tell you that your ex should be sorry for letting you go.

[peruano99]

I think he took her under her wing from a professional standpoint (he was her boss) and that validation was well-received. She looked up to him. Then they started talking about their oh-so-troubled marriages and it went textbook from there.

 

What was her excuse? How much time do we have here? She had every excuse and they were all nonsensical. I have a better understanding of why she cheated than she does. Her short answer would be that she'd been unhappy with our marriage for years.

 

Was the guy she cheated with good looking? Is he still her boss?

[BetrayedH]

Was the guy she cheated with good looking? Is he still her boss?

 

You have some interesting questions.

 

Personally, I don't find balding Hispanic guys with glasses to be attractive but hey, that's just me.

 

No, he's no longer her boss. I did not expose her at work but one of my requirements of her while we were reconciling was that she had 90 days to no longer work with him. He transferred. I have no idea if they are still in contact but I do believe the affair ended at Dday. I exposed the affair to his wife and as far as I know, they are still married.

[BetrayedH]

Some day, I hope your ex will tell you that she is sorry for hurting you.

 

Of course, I hope someday my wife will give me all the truth.

 

Of course, many a WW dreams of the land of the unicorns. And this world will never be fair and there will be no justice.

 

But maybe your GF can tell you that your ex should be sorry for letting you go.

 

You know, I heard enough "I'm sorry"s. Like you, I just wanted to be given the respect to know the truth. Want me to forgive you? At least tell me what I'm forgiving. It's the lying that does the most damage, especially when it continues. As much as I learned about the affair, I still wonder what else there was, if there were other affairs throughout our marriage. I question everything she says even today because she never came clean.

 

As for my current GF, she has said many times how she's grateful that my ex didn't appreciate what she had. Flattery gets her everywhere.

 

As for you Harry, I hope that someday you light a fire under that wife of yours. You deserve the truth. But if you're happy enough, I'm happy for you.

[jnel921]

Some day, I hope your ex will tell you that she is sorry for hurting you.

 

Of course, I hope someday my wife will give me all the truth.

 

Of course, many a WW dreams of the land of the unicorns. And this world will never be fair and there will be no justice.

 

But maybe your GF can tell you that your ex should be sorry for letting you go.

 

I don't believe that its possible for those who are compulsive liars and cheats. It's been over 16 years and I have not yet heard the words I'm sorry. He still denies that he ever cheated.

 

In time it wont bother BH anyway. The one truth that I know to be true...is that time heals all wounds.

[ComingInHot]

BH wrote, " Personally, I don't find balding Hispanic guys with glasses to be attractive but hey, that's just me."

 

It hurts it's so funny BH ... sorry, I can't help it

[peruano99]

Yes but please don't take away from that that I have any issues with hispanics. She described him as her "Latin Lover" so it comes to mind when thinking of him. I should have left his background out of my snarky comment the other day. The OM is actually somewhat irrelevant to me; granted, I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire but the reality is that he was just a guy happy to be getting laid by my wife. It was my wife's job to keep her legs closed.

 

By the way, I answered your revenge affair question in the other thread. But perhaps we should continue that discussion here.

 

How do you know she called him that? was it on the email that you saw?

[BetrayedH]

How do you know she called him that? was it on the email that you saw?

 

Yes. Can I ask why you seem to be asking about these details? I don't really mind answering but I'm curious. Is this helping you somehow?

[peruano99]

Yes. Can I ask why you seem to be asking about these details? I don't really mind answering but I'm curious. Is this helping you somehow?

 

I am asking because this case got my attention.

[BetrayedH]

Here's my original thread under my orignal username.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/282823-next-steps

[peruano99]

Here's my original thread under my orignal username.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/282823-next-steps

 

So she wanted to divorce before you found out about her affair? Probably the guilt. Something I don't understand though is that why don't people who cheat separate before cheating.

[BetrayedH]

So she wanted to divorce before you found out about her affair? Probably the guilt. Something I don't understand though is that why don't people who cheat separate before cheating.

 

Divorcing takes courage. It's not a trait that many cheaters possess. She chose to take care of her own "needs" instead and figured she'd never get caught.

[peruano99]

About half of posts of that other thread are members arguing with each other. This thread got my attention mainly because I never have seen a Caucasian woman cheat for a hispanic guy. Most of the cases of people I know, they went for white or black men.

 

 

Okay so what happened? I read that thread and you said you were going to give her a second chance.

Edited November 9, 2013 by peruano99

[BetrayedH]

When I discovered her online story, I got drunk and literally threw her out the front door. I was arrested and given no contact orders by the court. I eventually got the charges dismissed but we remained separated and divorced about a year ago.

 

Her last BF before we dated was Hispanic but I never put much thought into it. It's really a non-issue with me.

[peruano99]

What online story? Also why did she tell you he was more dominant in bed? Also did she ever said you were better afterwards?

Edited November 9, 2013 by peruano99