I am not indifferent

[Snowflower]

I appreciate the sentiment. I think she regrets how she did it and that she got caught but I don't think she regrets divorcing me. The personal rejection is the tough part for me to accept. She didn't even leave me for another man.

 

She did what she did because there is something broken inside of her.

 

If she was that unhappy, she could have sat you down, explained her feelings, and divorced you amicably. It still would have hurt a lot but there would have been dignity and compassion in her actions.

 

Instead, she took the hurtful way out.

 

I know you already know this and I'm stating the obvious-but hey, I wanted to try to help!

 

BH, be glad you don't have to try to fix her for the rest of your life because I think that is what you would have been in for had you stayed married to her.

[BetrayedH]

She did what she did because there is something broken inside of her.

 

If she was that unhappy, she could have sat you down, explained her feelings, and divorced you amicably. It still would have hurt a lot but there would have been dignity and compassion in her actions.

 

Instead, she took the hurtful way out.

 

I know you already know this and I'm stating the obvious-but hey, I wanted to try to help!

 

BH, be glad you don't have to try to fix her for the rest of your life because I think that is what you would have been in for had you stayed married to her.

 

Thank Sno. Intellectually I do know that she was broken, I deserved far better and that a real reconciliation would have been near impossible because she just plain refused to really talk about it. She just felt embarrased and punished. That just left me feeling that she was still broken and avoiding the real stuff that would have fixed her and us. I would've ended up in a situation like Drifter.

 

But it's still hard to swallow that someone you loved and respected so much would value you so little. I'm clearly jealous of those that have a truly remorseful wayward. I feel like a kid that could never get his parents' approval and spends his life trying to be prove to himself that he's good enough. I'm smart enough to know that I shouldn't judge myself based on her opinion but the emotional side is slow to catch up with that.

[Snowflower]

 

 

But it's still hard to swallow that someone you loved and respected so much would value you so little. I'm clearly jealous of those that have a truly remorseful wayward. I feel like a kid that could never get his parents' approval and spends his life trying to be prove to himself that he's good enough. I'm smart enough to know that I shouldn't judge myself based on her opinion but the emotional side is slow to catch up with that.

 

And you know what, even though I had a remorseful wayward, I still feel a lot of the same things that you describe. He was able to throw me, our lives together for all those years, our children's security away for someone who was "cool and fun to talk to." (his words for the OW when he described to me the beginning of his affair)

 

That hurts a lot. I meant so little to him.

 

My H needs massive external validation. It drives me nuts.

 

So, unlike you, I have to wait for the proverbial other shoe to drop. What will happen if another female colleague provides him with that fun conversation? You, on the other hand, don't have to worry about what she will do, who cares?

 

I've learned to be strong on my own and no matter what my H thinks or ultimately does, I am a good person. It will be his loss if he steps over the line again. Just like it is your wife's loss that she lost you, BH!

 

My husband is a good man and about 90+% of him would never hurt me. He is my best friend and while he failed in certain parts of his wedding vows to me, he has upheld the others with flying colors. I guess it is like mitigating risk for me.

 

But, like you BH, I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have chosen the other path.

[BetrayedH]

And you know what, even though I had a remorseful wayward, I still feel a lot of the same things that you describe. He was able to throw me, our lives together for all those years, our children's security away for someone who was "cool and fun to talk to." (his words for the OW when he described to me the beginning of his affair)

 

That hurts a lot. I meant so little to him.

 

My H needs massive external validation. It drives me nuts.

 

So, unlike you, I have to wait for the proverbial other shoe to drop. What will happen if another female colleague provides him with that fun conversation? You, on the other hand, don't have to worry about what she will do, who cares?

 

I've learned to be strong on my own and no matter what my H thinks or ultimately does, I am a good person. It will be his loss if he steps over the line again. Just like it is your wife's loss that she lost you, BH!

 

My husband is a good man and about 90+% of him would never hurt me. He is my best friend and while he failed in certain parts of his wedding vows to me, he has upheld the others with flying colors. I guess it is like mitigating risk for me.

 

But, like you BH, I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have chosen the other path.

 

The "learned to be strong on my own" piece is what I'm working on.

 

Thanks for the words of wisdom; you're a kind soul, Sno. And I didn't want this to devolve into a pity party so I hope others don't feel the need to prop me up. Sometimes I just use this place to be introspective. To some extent, I still feel like I am trying to fix something although I'm not quite sure what it is. I'm guessing that just about any break-up results in this kind of blow to the ego and it just takes time to work out of that funk. With my relationship having been 18 years, I suppose it's just not going to happen quickly.

 

And if your H screws up again, I swear I am going to personally buy a plane ticket so I can come up there and, I don't know, burn something.

[Snowflower]

The "learned to be strong on my own" piece is what I'm working on.

 

You'll get there. It's been 5 years this month since my d-day so I've had some time.

Thanks for the words of wisdom; you're a kind soul, Sno. And I didn't want this to devolve into a pity party so I hope others don't feel the need to prop me up. Sometimes I just use this place to be introspective.

 

At least for me, it is helpful to read what others experience as they get further out from d-day, divorce, or reconciliation. There are a lot of stories here of the newly-betrayed but relatively fewer from those of us who are further out.

 

 

To some extent, I still feel like I am trying to fix something although I'm not quite sure what it is. I'm guessing that just about any break-up results in this kind of blow to the ego and it just takes time to work out of that funk. With my relationship having been 18 years, I suppose it's just not going to happen quickly.

 

Of course! When that relationship has been a part of your life for so long, it takes a long time to sort it out. I'm always jealous of those who seem to move on quickly, even after a long-term marriage ends after infidelity. I'm one to ruminate and process what happens to me and it takes me a long time.

And if your H screws up again, I swear I am going to personally buy a plane ticket so I can come up there and, I don't know, burn something.

 

Love this! Thank you! :love:

[BetrayedH]

You'll get there. It's been 5 years this month since my d-day so I've had some time.

 

At least for me, it is helpful to read what others experience as they get further out from d-day, divorce, or reconciliation. There are a lot of stories here of the newly-betrayed but relatively fewer from those of us who are further out.

 

Of course! When that relationship has been a part of your life for so long, it takes a long time to sort it out. I'm always jealous of those who seem to move on quickly, even after a long-term marriage ends after infidelity. I'm one to ruminate and process what happens to me and it takes me a long time.

 

Love this! Thank you! :love:

 

Great post all around, Sno. Thank you.

[compulsivedancer]

At least for me, it is helpful to read what others experience as they get further out from d-day, divorce, or reconciliation. There are a lot of stories here of the newly-betrayed but relatively fewer from those of us who are further out.

 

^ This. I was going to write something similar, but she said it perfectly!

[TheBladeRunner]

She did what she did because there is something broken inside of her.

 

When I finally figured this out in regards to my WW, this is when I reached indifference. You can't fix other people, they have to want to fix themselves.

[drifter777]

She did what she did because there is something broken inside of her.

 

Nothing personal but this kind of rationalization never worked for me; still doesn't. Neither does "the affair was not about you" - WTF? I'm the one who was rejected, I'm the one who was devastated, I'm the one who has to try to heal. She knew she was destroying me and our marriage and she did it anyway. She treated me like dirt while keeping me as her backup plan. Her affair was all about selfishly pleasing herself while hurting me in the worst way possible. How am I not part of the equation?

 

BH: After all of this I am able to (mostly) compartmentalize what she did and call it what it was - the selfish, hurtful act of a naive, immature woman. She's not that same person and has proven it over many years. I don't hate her anymore. I hope you can get to this place and maybe ever further.

[BetrayedH]

I hope we both get further, my friend.

 

I'm going to take a break from posting. No need for goodbyes; I'll be back.

[Snowflower]

Nothing personal but this kind of rationalization never worked for me; still doesn't. Neither does "the affair was not about you" - WTF? I'm the one who was rejected, I'm the one who was devastated, I'm the one who has to try to heal. She knew she was destroying me and our marriage and she did it anyway. She treated me like dirt while keeping me as her backup plan. Her affair was all about selfishly pleasing herself while hurting me in the worst way possible. How am I not part of the equation?

 

 

Sorry, drifter. I hope that what I posted didn't make you feel bad. I understand and have felt the same way as what you are saying here.

 

I think I look at it as yes, my husband did what he did to me and it was a big F-you to me and our marriage. But really, that is on him. I was/am a good person. Certainly, I am not perfect by any stretch but I didn't deserve that. Therefore, it was something in him that let him hurt me so badly. That's on him, not on me.

 

Not sure if that helps; I'm sure I didn't explain it well. Sometimes I can't articulate this difficult stuff. I have had the same thoughts as you though. How can you not take it personally?

 

Hang in there, Drifter.

[peruano99]

I appreciate the sentiment. I think she regrets how she did it and that she got caught but I don't think she regrets divorcing me. The personal rejection is the tough part for me to accept. She didn't even leave me for another man.

 

Why would she not regret divorcing you? Unless she wasn't into the marriage.

[Spark1111]

Why would she not regret divorcing you? Unless she wasn't into the marriage.

 

cheaters are cowards, don't you get that?

 

Often they are not strong enough to examine all the lies and betrayals and what it takes to reconcile....

 

So they bail when exposed and start to rewrite the marital history and spin the divorce to being their idea or they must have not been in love. Yep, that's why they did....

 

Which may actually be untrue.

[underpants]

BH, you helped me. So here is my little thought.

 

You seem like a good man, with much wisdom, much of it garnered from pain, but you chose to grow from the experience, and keep a sense of humor. I like that most about your ramblings, thoughts and advice.

 

Here is the thing. I feel bad for your girlfriend.

 

I know you need to process, but don't do to her what your ex did to you. I don't mean cheat (that has been ingrained in you not to do), but don't break her heart. She is not that person. By being there ....you are not here. Thats unfair and you could very well regret it. Step out of the pain, friend.

 

I know you are thankful on some level, so thankful that the deception was exposed so that you can be on a better path. Come upon the realization that you no longer have to be mired with the past, look to the future. Smile.

 

Feel me?

[jnel921]

I appreciate the sentiment. I think she regrets how she did it and that she got caught but I don't think she regrets divorcing me. The personal rejection is the tough part for me to accept. She didn't even leave me for another man.

 

 

BH... this sounds a little bit more about your ego than what she did. I learned through IC to let go of those kinds of feelings. I too felt in my first M rejected. I thought to myself, how could he do this to me? I knew I was a good woman.

 

It's the ego that plays a big part of that pain you're holding onto. Years after my divorce I read "A new earth" by Elkhart Tolle and it put so much more for me into perspective for me. You may want to pick it up.

 

The second time I was betrayed I felt hurt but I didn't feel any of those things I felt the first time around. Did not take it personally.

[peruano99]

Can you let this go? BH's marriage is over. Your morbid curiosity is getting out of control.

 

Smacks of cruelty at this point. At least to me.

 

I'm not trying to be mean to him.

[Steadfast]

It seems kidd was sincere about taking a break. That doesn't seem to keep the rest of us from posting on his thread. I'm sure he won't mind.

 

Drifter:

Nothing personal but this kind of rationalization never worked for me; still doesn't. Neither does "the affair was not about you" - WTF? I'm the one who was rejected, I'm the one who was devastated, I'm the one who has to try to heal. She knew she was destroying me and our marriage and she did it anyway.

 

jnel:

...this sounds a little bit more about your ego than what she did. I learned through IC to let go of those kinds of feelings. I too felt in my first M rejected. I thought to myself, how could he do this to me? I knew I was a good woman.

 

Indirectly, jnel made the same point I was planning on making.

 

I envisioned myself as a natural born leader growing up. Marriage and fatherhood only grew that part of my persona. At times, I needed the confidence to make tough decisions. I can't say for sure if female attention bolstered my self-esteem, but it didn't hurt...even after marriage. I can say with certainty that I felt my ex-wife rather fortunate to have landed a man like me. I was faithful and honest (a trait that was often pointed out to her...by me and others) but in my defense, I recognized that and was in the process of 'getting over myself' even before her affair and the divorce. When it happened, I routinely uttered the words typed by drifter.

 

So while I was the lover her actions affected, I'm nearly 100% certain I wasn't where her venom was directed. This is supported by reports of her jumping from men to men before, during and after divorce. Each producing a considerable amount of drama. Same old girl, different supporting actors. That's why I believe she never loved me...at least, as much as herself. Fact: her issues were in place long before I came along. I suspect that's true of most everyone. The difference? Some, not all, are accountable.

 

She tried to tell me as much, but it sounded like an excuse. Still, that doesn't change the fact that she didn't want me. Nothing can change it. Nor can anything change that she's now in a serious relationship again and living with another man. Is she faithful? Will he get from her what I could not? Does she regret it. I have no idea, and am happy about that.

 

Indifference. But, for the kids sake I wish her the best. Besides, lots of women don't want me. Am I going to live a bitter life because of that?

 

Funny how life works. The ego that I thought was bruised was actually an overweight, pompous bully. Accepting my place in the world as the betrayed husband of a cheater (and a very attractive one...ouch) trimmed my ego and delivered a cold, hard slap of reality to the face. Ouch again.

 

But the slow grasp of humility began to manifest amazing things; not the least of which was overwhelmingly rocking her world by refusing to argue, take the bait or have my buttons pushed. Humility also improved my productivity and confidence (imagine that) by allowing me to be less sensitive to criticism and more understanding of why I was before.

 

The best part? Humility took my pain away. Almost completely. This answered the question of my root problem. A large part of "feeling bad" was feeling sorry for myself. I hated the unfairness. I hated being exposed.

 

Don't think for one minute that I declare myself completely healed and better in every way than before. Bits and pieces still haunt me and will continue to...if for no other reason than the children we brought into this world. More than anything I'm bitter about what she did to them. I hate it. Still, I love them. I didn't choose it and if nothing else, their parents failed marriage is a reminder that bad things happen to good people. Do I think she is good people? I'll take the fifth because I simply don't know.

 

Every once and awhile, I have to remind myself to not take myself too seriously. Freedom is knowing the world does not revolve around me. I am very important to some though. My goal is to never take them for granted.

Edited November 16, 2013 by Steadfast