Betterthanthis13 Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 Are you a BS? You seem to be coming from that standpoint and giving advice like you knew what it was like being a WS? IMO as a OW I said earlier, it is not hard to hide stuff, if the WS is not looking or interested in the relationship. When they discover the affair, that is when they become interested one would think..Also one would think they would keep looking . By that same logic, an OW would be CONSTANTLY investigating her MM when he says he wants to change his circumstances, but can not for flimsy reasons, since she is faced with the blatant evidence that he is involved with and living with another woman- yet she takes him at his word that they are sleeping in separate rooms, it is a sexless marriage, the BS is a horrible mean witch or what have you, etc... Why is there no CSI level investigation of the truth of his circumstances at home? Why take him at his word? 6 Link to post Share on other sites
yellowmaverick Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 I know a MM who got caught when he accidentally sent a dirty text that was meant for his OW to his daughter. UGHH!! It was very ugly for all involved! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Betterthanthis13 Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 When you talk about trust' date=' you trust when there is reason to trust If as I said in an earlier post you are getting red flags and you do not look, or open your eyes, then you should know when something is not quite right.[/quote'] Is a man being married to another woman, living with her and going home to her every night.... Not considered a red flag? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
MissyPritz Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 I know a MM who got caught when he accidentally sent a dirty text that was meant for his OW to his daughter. UGHH!! It was very ugly for all involved!Omg poor girl, to have to know what type of father she has. I haven't caught my bf but I'm getting the feeling he is cheating. He is showing all those signs. I'm about to dump him as I had it with his weird behaviors and defensive attitude. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
KathyM Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 Are you a BS? You seem to be coming from that standpoint and giving advice like you knew what it was like being a WS? IMO as a OW I said earlier, it is not hard to hide stuff, if the WS is not looking or interested in the relationship. When they discover the affair, that is when they become interested one would think. Also one would think they would keep looking. I'm not a BS, but am very close to people who have been involved in affairs from all sides of the affair triangle, both in my personal life and professional life, since I do marriage and relationship counseling. I have studied a great deal on this subject in order to educate myself on the dynamics of affairs, the signs of an affair, and the consequences and recovery from affairs. I also have heard and read so many testimonies that I feel I can comment in an accurate way on these topics, just as a heart doctor wouldn't have to have experienced a heart attack himself to be able to know about that subject, comment on it, or treat patients who have had it. I'm not sure why you're trying to discredit me. I guess you don't like what I have to say. Whatever. You claim it's easy to hide an affair if the BS is disengaged from the relationship. I'm saying that I know a couple personally who were disengaged in their marriage, slept in separate rooms, didn't keep track of each other's comings and goings, and were living basically as roommates. The BS still detected that something was off and started to suspect infidelity when the WS's internet use changed. Heck, even my sister, who was not living with her WS at the time, but they were attempting reconciliation after a separation, discovered his infidelity on his computer when visiting his house, just by accident when he left the computer screen open and she needed to use the computer at his house. Don't assume that because spouses live separate lives that they cannot possibly notice something is amiss. While I agree that, if infidelity is not suspected, the BS will not be looking for signs of it, but it's pretty common for a WS to slip up and not cover his tracks at some point. Even the most careful of WS can slip up at some point, as the testimonies here on LS do show. Link to post Share on other sites
Betterthanthis13 Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 There is a difference between going home to HER and going home to his HOUSE' date=' as your boyfriend did.[/quote'] I'm not sure what you are saying? My xbf and I lived together, but we were not married. I interpreted your original point to be that a BS should be aware of red flags. My question was, is it not a HUGE red flag if the man a woman is interested in pursuing a future with lives with and/or is married to another woman, no matter what he says about the state of their relationship? This isn't directed at you specifically, it's just a general question 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Journee Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 (edited) Being married or not does not make the pain any less intense or important. Edited September 10, 2013 by Journee 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 Being married or not does not make the pain any less intense or important. Yep. And length of affair, ONS, kiss, whatever doesn't make the pain any less intense or important, either. I hope you're doing well Miss Journee (I wish they had plain heart and hug emojis!) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Journee Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 Yep. And length of affair, ONS, kiss, whatever doesn't make the pain any less intense or important, either. I hope you're doing well Miss Journee (I wish they had plain heart and hug emojis!) Thanks Sweet pea! I'm ok. Like fine wine... I'm getting better everyday I hope you are well SP 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Betterthanthis13 Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 Your man wasn't married to you' date=' does it not count then.[/quote'] Oh my gosh you're right! What was I thinking??? Thank you for solving all my problems. He was definitely entitled to screw around with prostitutes behind my back, lie to me and cheat on me for years since we weren't married and only living together. Silly, silly me. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Betterthanthis13 Posted September 11, 2013 Share Posted September 11, 2013 I was not responding to you, my MM is going home to HIS house not to HER. And your man not being married to you 'does that not count then' Sorry you are misinterpreting everything I say but I see you have your helpers to do that OHHH.... Ok. Lets start over then, because I think a few of us misinterpreted what you were trying to say. So you were saying that your MM is only going home to his house, but not going home to his wife. You meant that my xbf was coming home to ME- which is different from from what your MM is doing. So you were differentiating the two, not trying to say that the fact that my xbf cheated doesn't matter because we weren't married. Got it! Glad we cleared that up Link to post Share on other sites
ChooseTruth Posted September 11, 2013 Share Posted September 11, 2013 No, she's contemplating all sides from what I've known of her. I dunno..I just can't say anything on this thread. When I look at OP's history it's mostly on the OW/OM forum. Her first thread is this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/395562-being-ow-101-rules-live-ow 3 Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted September 13, 2013 Share Posted September 13, 2013 When you talk about trust' date=' you trust when there is reason to trust If as I said in an earlier post you are getting red flags and you do not look, or open your eyes, then you should know when something is not quite right.[/quote'] I think that because the BS is coming from a position of trust, that the red flags arent pointing directly at a serious problem. A BS , if she hasn't been betrayed before, has no reason to jump to that conclusion. She may suspect a problem but have no idea what . If normal problems are discussed with WS and WS says there is no problem.... But to OW these red flags seem like banners that should clearly be recognized. That's because OW is coming from a position that she KNOWS about the lies, knows about the betrayal, knows WS is capable of it. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted September 13, 2013 Share Posted September 13, 2013 I think that because the BS is coming from a position of trust, that the red flags arent pointing directly at a serious problem. A BS , if she hasn't been betrayed before, has no reason to jump to that conclusion. She may suspect a problem but have no idea what . If normal problems are discussed with WS and WS says there is no problem.... But to OW these red flags seem like banners that should clearly be recognized. That's because OW is coming from a position that she KNOWS about the lies, knows about the betrayal, knows WS is capable of it. Yes of course. If you are in a flight pattern that depends upon you trusting your flight controller to tell you the truth and if the controller is lying to you, even if you have douts, it's too late to say WTF! You just land and ask questions later. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Colvert Posted September 13, 2013 Share Posted September 13, 2013 I've been living with my then gf close to a whole year and we had talked about our future several times. Then one day it was that terrible day, she confessed to me over the phone from her workplace. I don't think I would have ever caught her. Link to post Share on other sites
jnel921 Posted September 15, 2013 Share Posted September 15, 2013 First marriage my XH wasn't very smart...He actually had the OW's number taped to his pager. Second Marriage my current H wasn't any better. He made many phone calls and texts to one number. He knows I audit the cellphone bills since my company reimburses me. I confronted him. He of course lied...then I called found out it was another woman. I think most of us BS figure it out one way or another. The important thing is when we do confront our WS, they be clear on the intent of their actions. I believe it is our responses to this is what will dictate the future thereafter. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted September 21, 2013 Share Posted September 21, 2013 How did the WS end up getting caught? in situations where getting caught caused the dday. Discussion of divorce trigger the questions but ultimately phone records and hacking his email accounts sealed the deal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
velvette Posted September 24, 2013 Share Posted September 24, 2013 They put people under house arrest for abusing someone in the same house? Never heard that one before. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted September 24, 2013 Share Posted September 24, 2013 They put people under house arrest for abusing someone in the same house? Never heard that one before. Right. Because the most logical thing for law enforcement/ a judge to do is lock a person up in the same home with the disabled person they have been abusing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stevie_23 Posted September 26, 2013 Share Posted September 26, 2013 - Hidden / secret cell phones - Unsigned out secret email accounts - Bank bills or credit card statements looked at by spouse that show some kind of suspicious payment related to the A - Changes in behaviour (extra time online, extra time spent at work, etc), seeming distracted, seeming either happier or grumpier... - Spouse coming home early to find...something going on, either online, phone or in person. These would seem to be the most common. Link to post Share on other sites
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