How did they get caught?

[katielee]

1st one - He kept looking at his phone and seeing if I was standing behind him. I saw a very familiar sounding text and spent the next day in investigative mode. Gave him an opportunity to confess first. He didn't

 

2nd one - hired a PI. Said to myself if he was clean I'd never spy again. PI found him in the park making out with OW2. I went over there and knocked on the window. That was fun. oh, and he made sure I didn't have a car that day but I borrowed our sons'. I also put a VAR in his car that day, asked if she had been in there and he said no. Then I listened to the VAR. Not only had she been in there they had another makeout session i heard. Good times....

[KathyM]

I'm amazed at what lengths some of these people will go to hide their tracks and deceive their spouse. Seems like an awful lot of work to keep stories straight, to cover your tracks, and to keep up the pretense that everything is fine. I can see why, with all this manipulation of words and actions by the WS, that these guys would eventually slip up.

[ComingInHot]

exOW outed the A after My H ended it via anon email... blech*

[Goodbye]

I was out at sushi with my man when a strange woman came up to our table. She put her hand familiarly on my boyfriend's shoulder and said "Hello" to us. I could feel the instant tension in the air. I thought maybe they used to date or something.

 

She introduced herself to me and my boyfriend said "This is my friend Naomi" in reference to me. I was thinking..."What the F*** is up with the 'friend' s***t."

 

She asked "Are you two working?"

Greg: "Ummm, no."

Her: "Is this like, a date type situation?"

Greg: "Kinda."

I'm thinking, "Who is this nosey bitch?"

At this point the OW turns to me and says, "Are you dating Greg?"

Me: "Yes."

Her: "I'm dating Greg too. How long have you been seeing him."

Me: "About two years."

Her: "I've been dating him for a year."

 

Hoooooly sh*******t. It felt like gravity had increased by a thousand fold. I couldn't breath because the atmosphere was pressing down on me.

 

I ended up dumping two cups of water, two cups of hot tea, and some edamame on his head before walking out.

 

I was completely unaware. There were signs, of course, in retrospect. But at the time I had no idea. It was a complete and utter shock.

 

 

Yay! You dumped your drinks on the right person.

[KathyM]

I think what can happen is that after a long time' date=' you start to think that they are not interested in whether you are having an affair, the sex maybe comes to a halt, you move into the spare room, you gradually get less intimate and then by the time they start looking, you are not really bothered because you have moved on emotionally and it takes a big jolt to get you back again, if at all. I would recommend (and free advice to BS totally selflessly) a big kick up the jacksy for all parties is needed.[/quote']

I would think that if a guy is so emotionally and physically checked out of the marriage, he wouldn't go to such great lengths to hide and deceive. It sounds like in most of the cases you read on here, these men are very careful to cover their tracks, but eventually they slip up. I think it takes a lot of work to hide an affair, and the WS can't keep up with the required amount of covering their tracks, and so eventually something gives them away. Even when a WS is very careful. I know a couple whose husband was a serial cheater, and was very careful to cover his tracks, but a lost earring in his car gave him away to the wife. Could be anything. There are a number of ways that an affair could be discovered, or cause suspicion. Eventually, something is bound to tip off the wife. Even if the married couple is disengaged in their relationship, they do often notice something amiss eventually. I know a couple who very much had the relationship you describe, very disengaged from each other, but his secrecy in his internet use still tipped her off.

[screwedovertwenty]

It was his first day back at work after his vacation. He basically spent the week in bed watching tv. I remember thinking all week, "Good for him! He works so hard! He deserves to do nothing for a week!" He was off for the week of Thanksgiving last year, and cyber Monday was his first day back. I bought him a stereo for his car that day and was so excited about it!

 

I used to get up at 3:30 in the morning Mondays to be at work by five, so usually by the time he came home (usually between 11 and 12) I was asleep. Tuesday's I was up by 4:30 to be at work by six. He texted me at !!:10 that night, telling me he was off. I was laying in bed, dosing off to the tv when he got home. He looked at me, with a really guilty look on his face, and told me he got a ticket. The ticket was not a huge deal and the guilt that he exuded made me wonder what the hell he was hiding! The look on his face reminded me of when he was drinking, years and years ago.

 

So, I blew it off for the night and decided to keep my thoughts to myself. I decided to check the ticket in the morning (at 4:30, when he would be sleeping) and see if there was anything he wasn't telling me. When I looked at the ticket, the ticket time was 22:42pm. That was thirty minutes before he got off, according to his text. My heart sank. I knew that was bad.

 

By the time I got to work, I was freaking out. I knew I needed to dig deeper and figure out what the hell was going on. My gut was telling me that he was drinking again! When I confided in a friend at work, she told me she believed he was cheating. That was something that I could not even consider or fathom at that point! I could barely function at work, but didn't want to go home because he was there. I needed a strong drink, so I headed to the bar (it was 11am, and I am only a very occasional drinker, but Irish none the less!) My friend from work showed up around noon and we stayed until about 3. The margarita's never stopped until I asked for water because I just couldn't drink anymore! I didn't even feel drunk! Just so effing pissed!!

 

I ignored his texts and calls all afternoon. He texted me that he was going to leave for work early so that he could go buy the bulb he needed to fix the light that was out on his car. He texted me that he was leaving. He texted me that he had bought the bulb. He texted me that he fixed it. He texted me, "where are you???" He texted me that he was going into work.

 

When I got home, I checked the bank account to see if he had really just bought anything at the auto parts store. There was no activity on the bank card. I finally answered his call around 5:30 and asked him how he bought the bulb when he didn't use the card. He said it was only a couple bucks so he used cash. I asked if he had the receipt. He said he thinks so. I asked him what he is lying about and he told me nothing. I told him that I knew that there was something he was lying about. I could feel it. He said that he wasn't lying about anything!

 

When I got off the phone with him, I decided to check the phone records. That's when I found it! The number he had been calling and texting right before and right after his ticket! I texted my friend and asked her to call the number for me to let me know if it was a man or woman. She confirmed it was a woman. I then spent the next several hours looking incredibly at the number of texts and calls to this number there were every freaking day almost!

 

I went through November... twenty minute phone call the first day of his vacation. Texts and phone calls the day on his vacation that he went to town to run some errands for me.

 

I went through October... He called and texted her all day on our anniversary!

 

I skimmed through the months and was in shock. I mixed up the numbers and thought that the phone calls went back as far as two years (that's as much history as the phone company had online).

 

I was still looking when he came home! I should have came here first. I couldn't help but confront. He got mad at me and said, "What?? I can't have a friend???" I truly believed that night that it was just friendship. I knew he wouldn't physically cheat on me! I knew he couldn't!

 

That was the beginning of the week from hell, that I will never forget. When he got home from work that Saturday night, I impulsively decided that I would tell him that AT&T was sending me all of the texts and all of the pictures. I knew that they wouldn't, but he didn't know that. That is when he broke down and told me that there was sex. Just once. All I could say was, "WHAT????" I was in utter shock and disgust.

 

I spent the entire night texting her from his phone, pretending to be him. From midnight until 5am, when I told her she had been texting me all night. He was sleeping. I had to call out from work. My body was shaking all night long. I spent the day in my bed, crying.

 

I texted him that we had to get together somewhere to talk about this because I was not going to wait until he got home from work at midnight because I couldn't call out from work again. He decided to meet me at a church. I had told him in the morning that he needed to tell his mother and his sister what he did. He had done that. When he showed up, he told me that they both told him to be completely honest with me. He told me how things hadn't been good for a long time between us. He told me that he lost feelings for me. He told me that he didn't think he could get them back. He told me that he didn't want to end up hurting me again so he thought it was better for both of us to move on. He said he didn't want to try to work it out. I was utterly devastated. I couldn't drive. I begged him to stay. He was late getting back to work and kept telling me that he had to go. Finally, he left me sitting there at that church, too devastated to drive, promising to text me when he got to work. I sat there, sure he would come back. He never did. He never texted. I left an hour later. I could barely drive. I had to go the store and figure out what to feed the kids for dinner and figure out how I was going to deal with all of this.

 

He called me two hours later and told me he changed his mind. He did want to work it out. He did want to! I had already processed the fact that he didn't want to be with me anymore.

 

I am literally shaking from reliving that whole experience, but I think it was therapeutic. I know that was probably way more than you were looking for! Sorry!

[Goodbye]

It was his first day back at work after his vacation. He basically spent the week in bed watching tv. I remember thinking all week, "Good for him! He works so hard! He deserves to do nothing for a week!" He was off for the week of Thanksgiving last year, and cyber Monday was his first day back. I bought him a stereo for his car that day and was so excited about it!

 

I used to get up at 3:30 in the morning Mondays to be at work by five, so usually by the time he came home (usually between 11 and 12) I was asleep. Tuesday's I was up by 4:30 to be at work by six. He texted me at !!:10 that night, telling me he was off. I was laying in bed, dosing off to the tv when he got home. He looked at me, with a really guilty look on his face, and told me he got a ticket. The ticket was not a huge deal and the guilt that he exuded made me wonder what the hell he was hiding! The look on his face reminded me of when he was drinking, years and years ago.

 

So, I blew it off for the night and decided to keep my thoughts to myself. I decided to check the ticket in the morning (at 4:30, when he would be sleeping) and see if there was anything he wasn't telling me. When I looked at the ticket, the ticket time was 22:42pm. That was thirty minutes before he got off, according to his text. My heart sank. I knew that was bad.

 

By the time I got to work, I was freaking out. I knew I needed to dig deeper and figure out what the hell was going on. My gut was telling me that he was drinking again! When I confided in a friend at work, she told me she believed he was cheating. That was something that I could not even consider or fathom at that point! I could barely function at work, but didn't want to go home because he was there. I needed a strong drink, so I headed to the bar (it was 11am, and I am only a very occasional drinker, but Irish none the less!) My friend from work showed up around noon and we stayed until about 3. The margarita's never stopped until I asked for water because I just couldn't drink anymore! I didn't even feel drunk! Just so effing pissed!!

 

I ignored his texts and calls all afternoon. He texted me that he was going to leave for work early so that he could go buy the bulb he needed to fix the light that was out on his car. He texted me that he was leaving. He texted me that he had bought the bulb. He texted me that he fixed it. He texted me, "where are you???" He texted me that he was going into work.

 

When I got home, I checked the bank account to see if he had really just bought anything at the auto parts store. There was no activity on the bank card. I finally answered his call around 5:30 and asked him how he bought the bulb when he didn't use the card. He said it was only a couple bucks so he used cash. I asked if he had the receipt. He said he thinks so. I asked him what he is lying about and he told me nothing. I told him that I knew that there was something he was lying about. I could feel it. He said that he wasn't lying about anything!

 

When I got off the phone with him, I decided to check the phone records. That's when I found it! The number he had been calling and texting right before and right after his ticket! I texted my friend and asked her to call the number for me to let me know if it was a man or woman. She confirmed it was a woman. I then spent the next several hours looking incredibly at the number of texts and calls to this number there were every freaking day almost!

 

I went through November... twenty minute phone call the first day of his vacation. Texts and phone calls the day on his vacation that he went to town to run some errands for me.

 

I went through October... He called and texted her all day on our anniversary!

 

I skimmed through the months and was in shock. I mixed up the numbers and thought that the phone calls went back as far as two years (that's as much history as the phone company had online).

 

I was still looking when he came home! I should have came here first. I couldn't help but confront. He got mad at me and said, "What?? I can't have a friend???" I truly believed that night that it was just friendship. I knew he wouldn't physically cheat on me! I knew he couldn't!

 

That was the beginning of the week from hell, that I will never forget. When he got home from work that Saturday night, I impulsively decided that I would tell him that AT&T was sending me all of the texts and all of the pictures. I knew that they wouldn't, but he didn't know that. That is when he broke down and told me that there was sex. Just once. All I could say was, "WHAT????" I was in utter shock and disgust.

 

I spent the entire night texting her from his phone, pretending to be him. From midnight until 5am, when I told her she had been texting me all night. He was sleeping. I had to call out from work. My body was shaking all night long. I spent the day in my bed, crying.

 

I texted him that we had to get together somewhere to talk about this because I was not going to wait until he got home from work at midnight because I couldn't call out from work again. He decided to meet me at a church. I had told him in the morning that he needed to tell his mother and his sister what he did. He had done that. When he showed up, he told me that they both told him to be completely honest with me. He told me how things hadn't been good for a long time between us. He told me that he lost feelings for me. He told me that he didn't think he could get them back. He told me that he didn't want to end up hurting me again so he thought it was better for both of us to move on. He said he didn't want to try to work it out. I was utterly devastated. I couldn't drive. I begged him to stay. He was late getting back to work and kept telling me that he had to go. Finally, he left me sitting there at that church, too devastated to drive, promising to text me when he got to work. I sat there, sure he would come back. He never did. He never texted. I left an hour later. I could barely drive. I had to go the store and figure out what to feed the kids for dinner and figure out how I was going to deal with all of this.

 

He called me two hours later and told me he changed his mind. He did want to work it out. He did want to! I had already processed the fact that he didn't want to be with me anymore.

 

I am literally shaking from reliving that whole experience, but I think it was therapeutic. I know that was probably way more than you were looking for! Sorry!

 

 

First off, I am so sorry for your ordeal. I must ask, are you with him now? You didn't say...

[screwedovertwenty]

I am so sorry ' date=',,................... must have been hard writing that [/quote']

 

Thank you! Once I started, I couldn't stop! It's coming up on a year soon and I am not looking forward to our anniversary or the holidays. I still struggle with everything he said at that church. Was that the truth, and it's just easier for him to pretend that he loves me so that he doesn't have to lose face with the kids? He is really trying, but my heart still has a wall around it. I don't know if he is going to be able to tear that wall down or not.

[screwedovertwenty]

First off, I am so sorry for your ordeal. I must ask, are you with him now? You didn't say...

 

Yes. Still trying to decide.

[screwedovertwenty]

I actually tried to kick him out a few times, but he wouldn't go. I left for a night (because he wouldn't go), and slept at the church he dumped me at. He found me in the morning, on his way to work. He begged me to give him another chance.

[yellowmaverick]

He begged me to give him another chance

 

^^And this is the second thing that most WS seem to have in common!

[KathyM]

Body language is definitely something that can give a BS concerns. A BS knows her husband well. She'll usually know when something is off with him, or when something has changed. A person's body language does change when he is trying to hide something or when he is feeling guilty about something. Only a true sociopath or narcissist would be able to interact with his wife as usual while continuing to deceive and lie to her.

 

There really are so many ways an affair can be discovered, despite the MPs efforts to conceal it. And it takes an awful lot of effort to cover all the tracks all of the time.

[SidLyon]

I think that is the first time on LS I've read a description of a WS who went to such exteme, extraordinary lengths of manipulation and cover up , besides the poster you quoted, to come close to rivaling my xbf.

 

I have often felt that he might even be my H. They are very similar. They seem to think their machinations prove they are very smart people.

[Betterthanthis13]

I have often felt that he might even be my H. They are very similar. They seem to think their machinations prove they are very smart people.

 

That's funny... A week or so ago I perused some of your older posts because something caught my eye and I wanted to learn more about your story. I think I understand why you might have thought that.

 

Not funny haha, obviously.

[2sure]

I think that is the first time on LS I've read a description of a WS who went to such exteme, extraordinary lengths of manipulation and cover up , besides the poster you quoted, to come close to rivaling my xbf.

 

I'm another one. I have a journal entry titled How I Found Out if you care to read it. Sid and I started posting I think around the same years. I remember thinking I wasn't the only one.

[Betterthanthis13]

I'm another one. I have a journal entry titled How I Found Out if you care to read it. Sid and I started posting I think around the same years. I remember thinking I wasn't the only one.

 

Read it. Amazing.

 

Some of what Sid said about purposefully switching days/times/whereabouts on innocent things sent a chill up my spine. That part of xbf's MO was particularly hard to digest.

 

I should probably start a new thread or pm you guys for some perspective, but did you feel paranoid like I do right now in the early days, like why did I have a target on my back? I am not a stupid person. How did this happen and why did it take me so long to figure out

[Confused48]

It's not hard to fool someone who loves and trusts you.

 

.

 

Spark,your whole post really hits the mark for me. I can so much see myself in your shoes. But this quoted part, it must be universal to all BS. The rest might speak to me, or a few like us, but this quoted part, it should be pinned to a page for WS thinking of cheating but have not yet. Right next to the post by the guy who laid out how even if they were coworkers and did not call or text, they would be busted.

[2sure]

 

....but did you feel paranoid like I do right now in the early days, like why did I have a target on my back? I am not a stupid person. How did this happen and why did it take me so long to figure out

 

Yes. And I don't have an answer that will help. But please....THAT WAY LIES MADNESS. You have to stop back tracking. Stop kicking yourself. Everything is different now because you are different now. And thats OK.

[Spark1111]

Spark,your whole post really hits the mark for me. I can so much see myself in your shoes. But this quoted part, it must be universal to all BS. The rest might speak to me, or a few like us, but this quoted part, it should be pinned to a page for WS thinking of cheating but have not yet. Right next to the post by the guy who laid out how even if they were coworkers and did not call or text, they would be busted.

 

Yes....I think it does!

 

Whenever I read of an AP stating how could the BS NOT know, my blood boils because love is trusting of a partner.....no matter what.

 

he grew moody, difficult, distant....we chalked it up to new, high-powered job stress and kept forgiving his angry outbursts. When questioned as to what was wrong, his quick response was always a curt nothing, or the job. We forgave him.

 

Isn't that what people who love you do? Forgive you?

 

When I could not reach him, he was always in a meeting, a business dinner, a job location with no cell reception.

 

We made love twice a week. yes, he was still distant, mechanical...and when I questioned it, I was told, Why are you always unhappy with me? HUH? WTH?

 

So a BS is groomed to back off. it's job stress, grieving the death of a parent, the promotion they did not get, the child giving them a hard time.....and you BACK OFF because they demand it.

 

Lose, lose, loving, concerned BS.

 

Then, what KILLS, is they run to their AP and twist all this into you don't care.

 

Huh?

[2sure]

My x relished in his cleverness. I can tell because of all James bond style shyte he did or bought. I saw his research regarding infidelity. Hours and hours. I think he enjoyed the subterfuge as much as the validation , getting away with it was more validation.

 

I kicked myself hard and often over not discovering him sooner. I was hard on myself to quite awhile.

 

One of my less than virtuous girlfriends told him after our divorce:

Youre stupid. 2sure never got caught.

 

He asked and asked what she meant. I told him I had no idea. I like to think he still wonders. Nah, I know he does!

[Spark1111]

My x relished in his cleverness. I can tell because of all James bond style shyte he did or bought. I saw his research regarding infidelity. Hours and hours. I think he enjoyed the subterfuge as much as the validation , getting away with it was more validation.

 

I kicked myself hard and often over not discovering him sooner. I was hard on myself to quite awhile.

 

One of my less than virtuous girlfriends told him after our divorce:

Youre stupid. 2sure never got caught.

 

He asked and asked what she meant. I told him I had no idea. I like to think he still wonders. Nah, I know he does!

 

Love it! And love that girlfriend who squeezed his head in a vice. Hold onto her!

[Betterthanthis13]

Yes. And I don't have an answer that will help. But please....THAT WAY LIES MADNESS. You have to stop back tracking. Stop kicking yourself. Everything is different now because you are different now. And thats OK.

 

That way does lie madness.. I sometimes wonder if THAT is the whole point? If I were to go insane from this, if that would make him HAPPY?

 

I'm afraid, in a sick and twisted way, it would.

 

Screw that.

 

That, and that alone, in a sick and twisted way... Is enough to give me the strength to leave it alone, to move on, to find happiness and to be pure again. I don't know if I am making any sense right now. But I know I will be ok, despite my short fuse these days and my nonsensical ramblings.

[2sure]

That way does lie madness.. I sometimes wonder if THAT is the whole point? If I were to go insane from this, if that would make him HAPPY?

 

I'm afraid, in a sick and twisted way, it would.

 

Screw that.

 

That, and that alone, in a sick and twisted way... Is enough to give me the strength to leave it alone, to move on, to find happiness and to be pure again. I don't know if I am making any sense right now. But I know I will be ok, despite my short fuse these days and my nonsensical ramblings.

 

It makes perfect sense. Sanity for spite! Hey, whatever it takes!

[Betterthanthis13]

It makes perfect sense. Sanity for spite! Hey, whatever it takes!

 

Can I use a double negative and spite my sanity for spite? I'd like to spite that too and just go back to regular sanity

[waterwoman]

Whenever I read of an AP stating how could the BS NOT know, my blood boils because love is trusting of a partner.....no matter what.

 

 

Saying a BS 'must have known' their WS was having an affair is a bit like saying 'my cat has disappeared' and instantly assuming that it has been abducted by aliens. Because being run over by a car, found a better home where they feed steak and salmon every day, hell even joined a cat cult and renounced their old lives.... anything is more likely than being abducted by aliens. AND THAT IS WHAT BS THINK.... they will beleive anything before they beleive their spouse is having an affair. Why? because they have been with the same person for a long time, learned to trust, dealt with all kinds of stresses and events and still stayed, still loved. You always think it will never happen to us. If you didn't think that you wouldn't get married surely?