Dating a much younger girl :/

[Run_Ronnie_Run]

All this talk about the age difference is a crock...

Who cares?! We're not talking about a 16 year old girl here, she's 22 for heaven's sake!

I've met 20 year olds who show enormous maturity, and by the same token I've met 40 year olds who think they're still 20!

Yeah I get that...and she is mature, she is (and like I say im a bit of a big kid) so we do work. I know age is just a number but I guess im just a little weary of rocking the boat - I definetly don't want to be bringing lots of girls in and out of my sons life.

 

Personally, I say GO FOR IT! Sure, you can take your time about it, just to be sure she's the "right" one, but don't let a number get in the way of your feelings for each other

Yeah, I think your right, I think id like to take it slow and steady - I guess her staying in Devon just for me feels like we're moving fast but it is more down to circumstance than the us rushing things.

 

And Ronnie, regarding your late wife, you have my deepest sympathies. When I read that in your original post, my heart went out to you. I'm so sorry...

Ah thank you mate!

[Nyla]

My husband is 8 years older than me and it works very well for us. For a long time, he was the less mature one. I don't think a 9 year age difference is a huge deal. It is far less cringe worthy than a 20 or 30 year difference.

 

I should also add that life stages are a considerable roadblock. I was 25 when I met my husband and I had already lived on my own for years, along with having a lot of relationship experience. I don't think our relationship would have worked out if I had been 20 or 21 when we met. Most people in their early twenties have a lot of growing up to do, no matter how mature they think they are.

 

A thirty year old widower with a child is a quite a bit for a 22 year old to take on. I have always preferred older men but when I was younger, I learned the painful way that many of them just want to use a young woman and they didn't consider younger women relationship material.

 

OP, tread lightly and take things slow. You don't know this woman very well yet. She needs to make sure that she is fine with your situation before she commits to a long term relationship.

 

It is unfair to assume that all men only want younger women so that they can take and not give to them. It is more than possible for someone not to care about age, no matter what gender or life stage they are at.

Edited August 27, 2013 by Nyla

[xxoo]

Yeah I get that...and she is mature, she is (and like I say im a bit of a big kid) so we do work. I know age is just a number but I guess im just a little weary of rocking the boat - I definetly don't want to be bringing lots of girls in and out of my sons life.

 

You could, and in my opinion should, delay introducing her into your son's life until things are serious. Being a step parent takes a lot of commitment and maturity, and taking things very slow on this front would be an opportunity for her to demonstrate those characteristics. You won't be as available as a younger boyfriend with no kids, but if she is truly mature, she'll be able to handle it. If not, then that will be clear.

[pteromom]

All this talk about the age difference is a crock...

 

....

 

It's 2013 folks! We're no longer living in the 20th century!

 

Age, like race and sexuality, is IRRELEVANT.

 

Let the man be, and let him live his life the way he CHOOSES.

 

I agree with the main point of your post - that he should live his life as he chooses and go for it if he wants to.

 

But age isn't irrelevant. A 22 year old can be extremely mature and wise. But she is still going to go through some major changes as to how she feels about herself and her life. It could have no impact on her relationship, or maybe it could.

 

It isn't a reason not to move forward, but it is definitely something to take into consideration.

[Run_Ronnie_Run]

I was more thinking of it being ackward for his son more than her even. She is just about smack dab in the middle of both their ages...Ackward!

 

Yeah I realise shes kind of in-between our ages...I don't know I think like if he was 16 and I was brining her in at, what she'd be 28 and me 36, then maybe that would be more awkward but I think 10 to 22 does seem a fairly big age gap.

[Run_Ronnie_Run]

don't fight fate bro

 

Hahah it was a bit like that - bumped into her on the beach, she was at my friends wedding, hell of a lot of coincidences.

[Nyla]

He offers her the same thing she offers him some one to love.

 

Yeah and the amount of money a man earns shouldn't be a huge factor.

 

Financial responsibility and being gainfully employed is important, but nobody wants a gold digger who thinks money is the main thing a man has to offer.

 

Every woman I know who only wants to date men who own fancy cars or large homes is SINGLE.

Edited August 28, 2013 by Nyla

[xxoo]

Yeah I realise shes kind of in-between our ages...I don't know I think like if he was 16 and I was brining her in at, what she'd be 28 and me 36, then maybe that would be more awkward but I think 10 to 22 does seem a fairly big age gap.

 

Most 10 year olds have a a few teachers who are around her age. They are used to seeing people in their 20s as adults.

 

I would be more concerned with her commitment to being a step parent. There is a good chance that someone that young won't be ready to settle down to that level, but she may be an exception.

[Onward_Upward]

Again, another statement I ever hear men say when it's in regards to the woman being younger. I wish you guys would stop already with "I'm such a romantic, I believe in love no matter what age." When the reality is that you only believe in love hwne the woman is younger and offers what you preceive to be more than what you can offer in return.

 

I find this personally insulting... In the same way that I couldn't care less that she is 8 years younger than Ronnie, I would care even LESS if she were 8 years older!

 

Whether she's 22 or 42, I would STILL say, go for it!

 

Your username is an interesting choice of words, my friend... Perhaps you have a hangup or two about the men you've met, which is clouding your judgement? Perhaps the men in your life have sh*t on you? ... Well, I ain't those men... So, please don't tar all men with the same brush because a mere handful have done you wrong...

 

Now, I never said, regarding Ronnie's plight, that it is "great" BECAUSE she is younger than him... I clearly said that their age difference is irrelevant. Note the distinction

 

An adult's age, whether male or female, does not reflect their mental acuity and level of maturity. For all you know, this young woman may have come from a family in which the Mother passed away early, meaning that she had to take on most of the responsibilities of raising her siblings... She may also have been dating from the age of 15, giving her many insights already into handling relationships... She may have more "hands-on" experience of REAL life, than someone twice her age!

 

You can't be so superficial in judging your fellow humanbeings... Surely not?

 

Your choice of words, over several posts, imply that men in general are always seeking out younger women, inferring that they must be sexual deviants, or perverts, to do so... but I say, as long as both parties are happy and content in their decision, who am I to judge them?

 

I see no difference in the implications of your prejudiced argument above, than someone who declares that "blacks" and "whites" shouldn't couple up, because "they're so different culturally, it just can't work!"... or, "They should save themselves the hassle, and stay away from each other! Think of the children they might have? ... How will they 'fit in' to 'normal' society?!"

 

Bah! Prejudice is, as prejudice does.

 

Yes (as with inter-racial couples), there are certain obstacles for couples with a significant age difference to overcome; but the point is they can be overcome, especially when the two people involved want it to work

 

I do not judge anyone by their age, race, their sex, or their sexuality.

 

What I DO judge them on - as individuals - is their actions. And if you do the same, you'll find life a lot more pleasant

 

Every person is unique... and needs to be treated that way.

 

In summary:

 

Whether she's 22, or 42... I couldn't give a flying f*ck. As long as they're happy, I say go for it!

Edited August 28, 2013 by Onward_Upward

[running4timing99]

age is but a number. its a matter of connection. long as you guys are comfortable.

[miss_jaclynrae]

I don't see any huge issues, as long as she realizes what she is getting into and you keep things realistic.

 

 

 

We can all say what we want, but ultimately, we don't know her. At all.

Age isn't THAT huge of a difference, I am 23 and my boyfriend is 32, same age difference, and we get along amazingly.

My dad is 8 years older than my mom, my boyfriends "other parents" have an 11 year age gap. They met when she was 18 and are the most amazing couple I know, she is 50 now.

 

 

 

The things that DO matter are maturity and life expectations. Does she go to school? Is she already in a career? How does she feel about being a step parent or potential "mother" figure? Do you guys agree on parenting? Do you want another child? Does she?

 

 

All really huge things that should be addressed.

I agree with not introducing your son until you both are serious, but that is what you should be doing with this time now, getting to know all these things. The fact that she knows your story already and is with you is a good sign. TALK TALK TALK.

 

I wish you the best and just know that age really is JUST a number.

[Els]

Yeah and the amount of money a man earns shouldn't be a huge factor.

 

Financial responsibility and being gainfully employed is important, but nobody wants a gold digger who thinks money is the main thing a man has to offer.

 

Every woman I know who only wants to date men who own fancy cars or large homes is SINGLE.

 

FWIW, I think that money is sometimes a factor of attraction for women who often date men very much older than them. I think it would be naive to assume that it never is - much the same as physical appearance sometimes being a factor for men who often date women very much younger than them.

 

In the example I quoted previously, of the 30 yo guy I know who is dating a 22 yo, he does bring her on vacations, tours, restaurants etc, that she would never be able to afford as a student. And she does look quite a bit hotter than he does.

 

But really, if it's working for them, it doesn't matter and shouldn't matter to anyone else, in the end. Also, it certainly isn't the only reason, and not everyone is the same.

[Run_Ronnie_Run]

You could, and in my opinion should, delay introducing her into your son's life until things are serious. Being a step parent takes a lot of commitment and maturity, and taking things very slow on this front would be an opportunity for her to demonstrate those characteristics. You won't be as available as a younger boyfriend with no kids, but if she is truly mature, she'll be able to handle it. If not, then that will be clear.

 

Yeah totally I totally agree! She has met my lad a few times now but onl6 as a 'friend' just in the way that all my friends meet Harry, certainly not enough to be out the ordinary as far as he's concered - I tend to take him with me a most of the time when I meet my friends be in on the beach for a surf, down the pub or for a round of golf, like i say he's my world so he's used to meeting my mates.

[Run_Ronnie_Run]

She would have had to been 12 to have your son. Not as big as you think in the context of her age.

Yeah I know.. My sister is 12 years older than my brother, know its close, which does make me think 'maybe your being stupid ronnie just let he go' but I dont know, I don't want to take life for granted by letting it just pass me by either y'know?

 

Do you earn a good living? Make good money?

What do you offer her?

I don't make amazing money, certainly not enough for that to be any draw to me. I'm not a materialistic guy I like the simple things in life, and I like having a job I love, I make enough for me and Haz not go without and were not in any debt but I'm a working class guy from a working class family!

 

What do I offer her? ...dunno really I'm not one to blow my own trumpet but since you ask - I guess all I can offer anyone - loyalty, respect, love, my cooking skills, I can take anything life throws, I'm pretty easy going, I think I'm pretty kind and I do an awesome bugs bunny impression!

 

I dunno, I certainly am not offering her a life of holidays in Barbados - just myself for however much it's worth.

[Run_Ronnie_Run]

We can all say what we want, but ultimately, we don't know her. At all.

Age isn't THAT huge of a difference, I am 23 and my boyfriend is 32, same age difference, and we get along amazingly.

My dad is 8 years older than my mom, my boyfriends "other parents" have an 11 year age gap. They met when she was 18 and are the most amazing couple I know, she is 50 now.

The things that DO matter are maturity and life expectations.

Yeah, it's true I guess, people must make age gaps work all the time, I guess it just comes down the the inderviduals.

 

Does she go to school? Is she already in a career?

She's finished uni now, she was on an apprentiship down in Devon, she basically works like tracing people's family trees for multiple reasons, normally to find heirs to estates.

 

How does she feel about being a step parent or potential "mother" figure?

I dunno really, I mean she knows all about Haz and she's still with me so I guess I can't of completely scared her off, lol.

 

Do you guys agree on parenting? Do you want another child? Does she

?

D'you When I was with Lexi I desperately wanted another child, I didn't want Harry to be an only child I wanted him to grow up with brothers and sisters, we wanted a big family, like maybe four kids. But obviously life didn't pan out like that p, and Harry has grown up as an only child if I was to have more kids now they wouldn't be close in age to him anymore so I guess the truth is I'm just pretty easy about it now, I would have more kids - being a dad is my favourite thing in the world thou obviously I'd be a lot older this time around, but to be honest I kind of didn't think I'd ever meet anyone else so I'd kind of got used to not having anymore kids and I'm fine with that too. Shes told me that she 'might' want a baby but not like in the near future.

 

I agree with not introducing your son until you both are serious, but that is what you should be doing with this time now, getting to know all these things. The fact that she knows your story already and is with you is a good sign. TALK TALK TALK.

Yeah our right

 

I wish you the best and just know that age really is JUST a number.

thanks

[kiss_andmakeup]

Meh, 8 years itself isn't that big of a deal. What has potential to be a big deal is the fact that you have a 10-year-old son. This just puts you in a completely different headspace, and place in life, than her. As the relationship progresses and becomes more serious, you definitely want to discuss the kind of timeline you each have in mind, however vague it may be, for settling down and having more children. You want to be sure that your hopes and dreams mesh, so to speak.

 

But if the two of you mesh, she is mature, and is able to contribute to the relationship as an emotional equal, then I don't think there's anything to worry about.

 

But I agree with many posters that I think it's a good idea to wait some time before you introduce your son to her as your romantic partner. I would think this regardless of your/her age. Especially being that he lost his mom...he might have some complicated emotions about daddy having a girlfriend.

 

I wouldn't sweat the age, though. I met my fiancé when I was 23 and he 30, so pretty similar. We have a very strong and harmonious relationship.

 

Wish you the best of luck, OP. You seem like a good guy in this for the right reasons.

[Nyla]

FWIW, I think that money is sometimes a factor of attraction for women who often date men very much older than them. I think it would be naive to assume that it never is - much the same as physical appearance sometimes being a factor for men who often date women very much younger than them.

 

In the example I quoted previously, of the 30 yo guy I know who is dating a 22 yo, he does bring her on vacations, tours, restaurants etc, that she would never be able to afford as a student. And she does look quite a bit hotter than he does.

 

But really, if it's working for them, it doesn't matter and shouldn't matter to anyone else, in the end. Also, it certainly isn't the only reason, and not everyone is the same.

 

"Yeah and the amount of money a man earns shouldn't be a huge factor.

Financial responsibility and being gainfully employed is important, but nobody wants a gold digger who thinks money is the main thing a man has to offer. Every woman I know who only wants to date men who own fancy cars or large homes is SINGLE."

 

Clearly I did not say that money is never a factor. I said that it shouldn't be the main criterion in seeking a relationship, whether there is an age difference or not.

 

I am a lot of things but naïve about relationships between younger women and older men is not one of them. After all, most of my relationships have been with men who were more than ten years older than me, so you are preaching to the choir.

 

Oh and affluent men who are not in the public eye tend to stay away from gold diggers. It is hard for these types of men to find someone who likes them and not their bankroll, so they are wary of who they date if they aren't trying to be sugar daddies.

 

My husband is not rich but he is a very generous man. When we were dating, he hardly let me pay for anything. After we became a couple, he loved spoiling me with diamonds, romantic dinners, shows and flowers. It was a welcome change from being with "men", who were so mean that they thought a $10 drugstore book was a nice Christmas gift. I was also with another cheap fool who complained of the cost of gas when he picked me up.

 

Cheapness is a turn off because those types of people are often stingy with emotions and very selfish. It is one thing not to be able to afford certain things, quite another to have money but never want to spend any of it on a partner. This is goes both men and women.

 

My husband appreciated coming home to a nice dinner when I was at his place on my days off. He told me that most women wanted to be wined and dined, yet they would balk at making him a sandwich. My husband said he loved the way I understood give and take. He was also touched by the way I stayed with him when he lost his job.

 

I dated an older man with a child when I was 23 and he was 36. I hated the way he kept cancelling dates because of his son. I also didn't appreciate being introduced to his son and asked to babysit, yet that man didn't want his son to know we were a couple. He couldn't have it both ways and I grew weary of the games after six months. I didn't appreciate being used.

 

The $10 book idiot was a father figure to a little girl. He was not a biological or adoptive father to this child, but he acted like he was since he knew how irresponsible her mother was. I got tired of hearing "She comes first. Don't make me choose because I will." It was like he was rubbing it in my face. My wishes and needs meant nothing; he bought the little girl hundreds of dollars worth of Christmas gifts and then bought me that book. It felt like he was cruelly rubbing it in my face; a disparity which screamed "You mean nothing and she means everything." That child grew up to be a lazy, spoiled and drug addled teenager because the idiot indulged her every command.

Edited August 28, 2013 by Nyla

[Shepp]

certainly not enough to be out the ordinary as far as he's concered - I tend to take him with me a most of the time when I meet my friends be in on the beach for a surf, down the pub or for a round of golf, like i say he's my world so he's used to meeting my mates.

 

Not that there's anything wrong with that but where does a gf whatever her age but especially a young gf fit into that?

Sorry if I'm deviating from your OP to much!

[Nyla]

I wanted to add that years later, my ex boyfriend confessed to me that the little girl he loved ruined many of his relationships with her behavior. She was also manipulative and threw tantrums whenever he tried to pay attention to whomever he was dating. He apologized for disregarding my feelings all the time, because it created a spoiled brat who expected people to hand things to her.

 

OP, obviously your child comes first. However, you will want to make sure that your girlfriend's feelings aren't always ignored in favor of your son. It is all about balance.

Edited August 28, 2013 by Nyla

[Run_Ronnie_Run]

Not that there's anything wrong with that but where does a gf whatever her age but especially a young gf fit into that?

Sorry if I'm deviating from your OP to much!

 

I wanted to add that years later, my ex boyfriend confessed to me that the little girl he loved ruined many of his relationships with her behavior. She was also manipulative and threw tantrums whenever he tried to pay attention to whomever he was dating. He apologized for disregarding my feelings all the time, because it created a spoiled brat who expected people to hand things to her.

OP, obviously your child comes first. However, you will want to make sure that your girlfriend's feelings aren't always ignored in favor of your son. It is all about balance.

 

Yeah I do get that!

I am close to my son, my late wife practically gave her life for our son - he's the most precious thing in my life, he's my best buddy but I don't spoil him, certainly not money wise, im a big believer the best things in life are free, I do give him a lot of my time but, I've been doing a lot of thinking on this and like I said originally I do miss not just my wife but I miss being in a relationship, I think im good in a relationship, and I think that now I am in a place where I have got space in my life for a relationship, y'know? Its just something id like to take quite slowly!

[Run_Ronnie_Run]

My husband is not rich but he is a very generous man. When we were dating, he hardly let me pay for anything. After we became a couple, he loved spoiling me with diamonds, romantic dinners, shows and flowers. It was a welcome change from being with "men", who were so mean that they thought a $10 drugstore book was a nice Christmas gift. I was also with another cheap fool who complained of the cost of gas when he picked me up.

Cheapness is a turn off because those types of people are often stingy with emotions and very selfish. It is one thing not to be able to afford certain things, quite another to have money but never want to spend any of it on a partner. This is goes both men and women.

 

I totally agree,

We get by but we don't have much money but I was brought up by a family who fight over who gets to pick up the tab! I'm not stingy with money, I'd give away my last penny, I think life's to short to place value in your bank balance, I think money should be used and enjoyed while you still an, hence why I probably never have any! thats what they say isn't it - the rich get rich and the poor get poorer!

[Nyla]

I totally agree,

We get by but we don't have much money but I was brought up by a family who fight over who gets to pick up the tab! I'm not stingy with money, I'd give away my last penny, I think life's to short to place value in your bank balance, I think money should be used and enjoyed while you still an, hence why I probably never have any! thats what they say isn't it - the rich get rich and the poor get poorer!

 

I am exactly the same way. I was raised to enjoy money and not compulsively hoard it. Maybe that is why cheapness is such a turn off to me. A man doesn't have to give lavish presents all the time, but he also shouldn't insult a woman by giving her a cheap ass book for Christmas. I wouldn't even do that to a friend, much less a lover if I was single!

 

I'm glad that you feel ready for a relationship and I wish you every happiness. Keep us posted.

[Jangles524]

Okay so a bit about me:

I'm a widower, I met my gf when I was 8, started dating her at 14, we had our son when I was 20 and got married the following year. She died when I was 24, it broke my heart

 

So flash forward, Im 30, my boy, Harry is 10. We're good me and him, he's my world. I haven't really dated at all (bar a couple of one off first dates) but I guess I do miss being in a relationship, its just ive never met anyone I click with like I did my late wife.

 

So then I met Katie...and I dunno, I just click with her, shes funny and she gets me and...she makes me happy, I guess the last 6 years I've been feeling a bit like I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and she just, makes me feel 21 again.

We've been seeing each other for about a month, very casually at first, more seriously now, which is basically whats freaked me out...

 

See theres a whole host of reasons we shouldn't be together: she's only just 22, that's a big big age difference! I've got a son. She's from up north, like the other end of the country and is very close to her family, she was meant to be going back up there at the start of october for good.

How can there be a future in a girl staying miles from home with a guy almost 9 years older than her, who's widowed with a son - its just all to complicated, right?? I dunno, I dunno if im just making excuses cause...cause I actually really like her and, and I guess falling for someone does scare me to some extent.

 

urgh dunno, advice?

 

My parents had 16 years apart. I guess if I said 8 years wasn't ok, then I wouldn't even exist right now.

 

So, in my opinion, you are both of legal age... if something is there between you two, who is anyone to deny it?

[runningfar]

RunRonnieRUn, I think you already had your mind made up before you posted this.

 

This thread once again proves that men value women largely on their age. And that most men do not believe age doesn't matter. They believe when they are older, younger women's ages don't matter.

 

You seem to have an issue with age differences.

 

It is only 8 years.

 

Plus, he wasn't out looking for a 22 year old as a criteria.

 

He met a woman. He likes her. She happens to be 22. It would be only caring about age if he didn't want to be with her for that reason.

 

Plenty if woman are capable of mature decisions at 22. I do not see many women staying with someone for years and running to find themselves at my age. I have felt no drastic need to go find myself. I've known who I M for years.

 

Enjoy the relationship!!! If it is long term and serious, then you know it's okay to introduce your son. It sounds like a good thing!

[Nyla]

DY has issues with the age difference, because she feels that men are too ageist against older women. She has admitted to feeling insecure about younger women being viewed as more attractive. While I think there is truth to what DY is saying, it isn't fair or rational to condemn men for having preferences.

 

I have gotten so much flack for having an older husband. I don't care because he is good to me and we get along beautifully most of the time. Sure, he is losing his hair and has some white in his beard but that is part of life and aging. If my husband can find me attractive after gaining weight, surely I can overlook some grey hairs and some baldness.