Husband Left Suddenly & it's been pretty bad.

[RightThere]

Hang in there and don't get dropped down to his level. You are so strong!

[Balzac]

You've not mentioned guidance from your attorney regarding your temporary maintenance. No mentions of a petition to the court. Such practical matters can be agreed to by parties involved or agreed to by their representing attorneys or court ordered.

 

If one loosely defines "utilities" to be electric, gas, water, sewer and Internet access, summing the expenses and comparing to your lawyer hourly fee - it seems an easy, practical decision. I get riding the utility train until its ended. What I don't get is taking up the role of victim. In reality it's been and often is a calculated gamble. It's a pay me now or pay me later chess game.

 

Am I accurate that your job requires that you have internet access to work? Is this provided to you by your employer?

[MsOptimist]

Wow, just wow. Cruel and heartless is an understatement. After everything you've been through you are more than entitled to feel down, especially after these latest events. You ARE toughing through this, don't doubt that.

 

I'm very glad that you had a friend over for the roof inspection, and that you had a friend take the dog during that. You handled the situation perfectly and he seems very unhinged.

 

I suspect that my ex would have reacted similarly if I had wanted to stay in and keep the house. Whenever he didn't get his way he got angry and it was a lot to bear considering (like your stbxh) he was the one to put us in that situation to begin with.

 

I don't understand how he can play these games with the house bills - talk to your lawyer about that and see what he can put into writing about how to handle that. I don't understand what he thinks he can accomplish since he removed your access to the accounts.

 

One thing is at least for sure - you can't reason with him at all. I would be scared too based on his actions. I can't wait for this separation and paperwork to be behind you, it will take so much weight off of your shoulders.

 

You have a lot of good people on your side and you are being strong even if it doesn't feel like it in this moment.

[Clay]

I spent a lot of time this morning reading your post. I sounds really strange how he just picked up like that. It does not sound like there was someone else. I think to some degree at least you could have pointed your finger at that and had some idea how do deal with this. Him leaving like he did sounds like he seriously has issues. I know this maybe hard to hear but maybe its for the best you are no longer with him. At least now you can work on yourself and someday build a relationship with someone better. I am sure he was the bread winner and everything but honestly he sounds like a horrible person. Who does that I mean seriously. No real notice no talking to you.

 

I can't express enough sadness for you but I hope you can see you will be stronger for this. Its not just about getting up and being better physically. Your next serious relationship will be much more meaningful. It truly sounds like you are a person that takes your failures to heart and works on them. That is a sign of a great person in my eyes. I do not see many people like that. My xW was never like that. To this day I am at fault for her cheating. I will never understand that but honestly I am at a point in my life where I don't care to even try to understand her anymore. You will find someday you will be there too. It will be hard but it seems you are a very strong person with a big heart. Hes is clearly the looser in your marriage. He can have the money he will never have what you offer. Some day I bet he will wake up and think back and sigh. They all do. I get enjoyment all the time out of my xW. I have the kids and they tell me all the time how she is suffering with the OM. They pawn everything they own at least once a month. I know it may sound mean to think this way but I do smile when I think about it.

 

Keep moving forward. Life only gets better. I know. I love it.

 

 

Clay

[Misadventure]

Update: I called the water company, they are aware of the situation and will not disconnect. They are giving him 20 days to pay, and if he doesn't I can make my own account. The lady at the water co told me she had spoken with him last week and he intended to pay Monday but he did not...Monday evening is when he wrote me that email as well.

 

Balzac, my attorney had said that until we needed to do so, I didn't need temporary spousal support since he is paying for most of the house, I just had smaller bills. I did speak with the paralegal in his office today, and I have an appt tomorrow with them. We are STILL in discovery. His atty filed the financial affidavit already on the 30th, so mine just needs to be done. I already turned in 99% of everything.

 

So I guess once this is all done... then a hearing for atty fees, and exclusive possession of the house during divorce?

 

I don't know the process.

 

Yes, I need electric for my work. As of now, electric is not in danger and with Cable, I pay all that.

 

I think why he made water an issue is because for half the month in September, after an electrical surge, the sprinklers went off on their own alot during the middle of the night. I didn't know this and when I found out one night I turned it off. It was too late though, as 8,000 of water had been used at that point. The bill was $130 and thats probably why he refused to pay it. I did offer today to pay the bill to the water company and they said they would accept payment at anytime but the paralegal advised me to wait. She said it will look extremely bad if he disconnects water, just to have things ready to go reconnect under my name.

 

 

MisA:

Wow, he just brought the drama, didn't he? Queen, much? Two toned Queen much?

 

You know that you handled it just fine. You know that you are going to be okay and that you are better off without this guy, right? Call your lawyer today and tell him what occurred. From now on, I would also request that everything like this be handled through the lawyers office. You are not safe to be with him even if you have a friend. He has several guns and a volatile temper. Also, can you keep that recording of him getting angry and screaming at you?

Find out through your lawyer what to do about he bills he is refusing to pay. I am not sure what your laws are but without him giving you access to the account, he cannot stop paying bills on the family home until after the divorce is finalized, in most states. That includes all utilities.

I was afraid he was going to act like this and start getting all territorial on you. He is just trying to scare you and trying to convince you that he made the right decision and you don't matter.

Hang in there, tough girl! Do not let him get inside your head. You have your entire life ahead of you and it is going to be so wonderful, you cannot even imagine. Hold your dogs close and know that you have support here anytime you need it...I know it is hard to reach out when you are sad, but that is when you really need to.

Get pissed, then get indifferent, because he doesn't matter anymore. I wouldn't want someone I hate to be with a man like that.

Part of your support squad,

Grumpy

 

 

Grumps,

 

You are right, all this has for a while now made me see that I am better off.

 

When he was here, I felt NOTHING for him physically or emotionally except disgust. I don't even remember his face really from that day.

 

With all he is doing, yes, it got in my head..the video, unless he starts to lie and said he had a friend with him the whole time or that he never verbally abused me, I really can't use. I am in Fl, do those laws apply here regarding utilities?

 

I showed the video to my therapist and she said his body language, posture, demeanor illustrates low inner self worth, and that he was very verbally abusive and was trying to intimidate, that he was like a child throwing a tantrum. TY for being my support squad, Grumps, I was feeling really down for a bit. It's pretty sad how love turned to hate on both sides.

 

He already had extreme hate coming into the house...he has to pay for me to live at the house...he thought it would be so easy and it's not working out like he planned.."I don't feel butterflies, I want a divorce, going to take all the money, be on dating websites without your knowledge for a long time, and have been funneling money from the marital acct but I want you to leave the marriage, the house, with nothing, leave the dog here and thanks for the several yrs...".

 

He is not only a two toned short D [email protected]@rd but the village idiot.

 

Trippi, yeah I will be putting the car in the garage nightly now. I didn't always because I "felt" that he wouldn't drive all the way to come do anything to the car...

 

MsO, thank you. I really want this all to be behind me now too. But I rather make sure it's done right so if I have to wait and bear through this, I will. There is no winner in divorce but I will not be the loser from it. I think me seeing so much of who he really is and what he is capable of is part of winning in itself so I can heal faster. It is so hard to believe that we once had happiness, and I thought it was several months ago too lol. Seems like so long ago. But I can honestly say I don't even think of those times anymore really, he was another person or not the person I thought he was that I married.

 

Clay, McMike, RT... it's been hard. Seriously, I appreciate your kind words. Clay, if you had asked me 2-3 months ago if I was better off... I would say that I think there are such wonderful qualities still in there. No. I am better off. I am sure Hannibal Lector had some charming qualities, it doesn't mean I want to make a home with him lol. From what I hear, at least he had stamina lol.

 

I hope you are right and one day I am happy with someone else. I do want that. I guess I just don't see that happening yet. I don't know if stbx will ever wake up and regret what he did, and his actions because that means he would have to own up to them. He somehow believes this is all on me and I am the evil one. I am not perfect by any means but I am not responsible for this. What I mean by this is that it takes two to make a marriage, I gave 150%. I was an open communicator and asked when I felt he was being distant if we were on the same page. We weren't even on the same book on the same shelf within the same store it turns out...but I never knew that because he led me to believe that we were.

 

A mutual friend told me a while back he thinks (now after knowing what happened) that he had one foot out the door and was planning an exit eventually but was still playing husband, still saying all the things I wanted to hear, and kept trying to have a child with me because if we did that would be a sign to him to stay and be a real husband and that it was meant to be. Since I didn't get pregnant and caught him looking at apartments during one of his "planning fantasies" of what it would be like in a new single life.. the jig was up.

 

Bottom line, I deserve more than this and I am worth more than this. He is damaged and I am just kind of tired of him completely.

 

I think I am just stuck in the in-between, and it's just one chess move after the other at this point.

[Misadventure]

And btw, listening to you guys has really helped me. Thank you, all around. Even Balzac for a flash of financial reality heh.

[Balzac]

Divorce like this is a war, comprised of many battles. As your lawyer has advised you - choose your battles. What's best for your emotional wlllness is to maintain a macro and micro view. An overriding global war strategy. There will be small skirmish victories that fall into your lap - enjoy them. Let the others go.

Your goal is the cash victory at the end.

 

Suffice it to say that your every breath annoys the guy.

 

Disvovery is a process. Completion of your formal affidavit is likely just the first step. Your lawyer will guide you. It's likely you will have a deposition in person.

[Grumpybutfun]

 

I am in Fl, do those laws apply here regarding utilities?

 

Hey MisA:

You keep your head up and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I know why I want you to keep the recording, because of that day when he might try to come back to you and win back your love so you can remember what he is really like.

 

Not sure about Florida, but your attorney can tell you what is the norm of your state. Let your lawyer guide you. That is why you are paying him for. If you don't know the process of how the assets are divided in your state, ask your lawyer what is next because I am sure the not knowing is causing you lots of stress.

 

The best revenge is to live your life with purpose and joy....doing the things you love, laughing and warm, the way you really are deep inside before the dipwad stole your light. He doesn't get you anymore...not one more tear, not one more regret, and not one more sad day.

 

In Support,

Grumps

[trippi1432]

A mutual friend told me a while back he thinks (now after knowing what happened) that he had one foot out the door and was planning an exit eventually but was still playing husband, still saying all the things I wanted to hear, and kept trying to have a child with me because if we did that would be a sign to him to stay and be a real husband and that it was meant to be. Since I didn't get pregnant and caught him looking at apartments during one of his "planning fantasies" of what it would be like in a new single life.. the jig was up.

 

Bottom line, I deserve more than this and I am worth more than this. He is damaged and I am just kind of tired of him completely.

 

I think I am just stuck in the in-between, and it's just one chess move after the other at this point.

 

Bottom line is making a child with a woman doesn't make you a husband or a man...I know a 14 year old who made a child with his 14 year old GF, I also told the arrogant little pr*ck that I didn't want him around my son because raising a child makes you a good person, a good father and a good man, not creating one (sorry, I don't get this way with other people's kids, but this one just really took the cake with his lost virginity arrogance bragging about making a kid while these children's parents were really the ones raising the child). If your ex had one foot out the door, he would have had it with his own child as well when he didn't feel "skittles of butterflies" shooting out of his arse (sorry, I'm into skittles and rainbows of colors these days)

 

Yes, you do deserve better and you ARE worth more than this. I see good things for you, HE wasn't the good thing, that's not on you, that's on HIM.

 

(((Hugs!!)))

[Misadventure]

Trippi, I think God was involved somehow like shaking his head saying you can fill her up with your blanks all you want but "no kid for you!" Can you imagine the hell I would be in with this heartless a.s.s. who deserves that bat named the two tone annihilator lol??

 

I do deserve better and I am better off without him. Thank you for reminding me, I need to keep hearing this. It's amazing that if he had done these exact same actions and words back in the beginning of August I would not have called the sheriff, and I would have been analyzing every movement, every word, ever gesture. Such a difference ... it has only been 4 months.

 

I didn't realize this until the middle of the day today but today was the 5th, and he left July 5th... Wow, what a change in 4 months.

 

Balzac, yes, I am with you now, it is JUST war. I need to keep my eye on the ball "cash victory at the end." It is hard.. but I need to.

 

"Suffice it to say that your every breath annoys the guy. "

 

Yeah...and I don't get it. But I need to stop caring to understand it or him. I KNOW that I am not the reason for all he has done and is doing. I know that now.

 

After the financial aff is filed from my attorney..is the next step a hearing for exclusive possession of the house and atty fees? How long does it take to get a court date usually after filing the Fin Aff?

 

Grumps, thank you. I don't want to give him any tears, any more of ME. Sometimes it just happens that I break and cry... and its not even because I miss and love him. Its because 6 months ago I thought I had it all. I never did and I never knew and my life is forever changed. He is a coward.. even if he felt regret he would never pick up the phone or email. I won't ever hear from him ever again after finality of the divorce. In a way that is just so very sad...how life can change like that in a heartbeat. I hope that means it can change for the positive as well, as I want happiness again.

[MsOptimist]

I think the blessing in his heartless ways is that it will make it easier for you to detach and be able to move on, it certainly did for me. You will grieve the loss of what you thought you had, but you are clearly seeing that he's not who you thought he was and he's not good for you. I came to the same realization with my exH. It is very sad indeed.

 

This is only the beginning for him. I'm sure he had no idea what has hit him or is about to hit him. He will continue to be on a different page than you during this process. You've already felt the worst initial blow. The hurricane hits them much later in this kind of scenario.

 

Very interesting observations made by your therapist on how his body language even displays low self esteem. Before my mess I never thought my exH had low self esteem, when in reality it is very very low. My perception of everything was so skewed, but now I'm able to see things clearly and you're doing the same.

 

Keep repeating to yourself that you do indeed deserve better and that by this time next year you will be in a MUCH better place.

[Balzac]

...next step a hearing for exclusive possession of the house and atty fees

 

Practically speaking, you'd not need a hearing. I'd expect an agreed entry to those issues. You announce intent and desire to occupy the house, he agrees. You may do some negotiating about utility expense but that's often between your respective attorneys. Often in cases like this, you'd never see a judge, maybe for 5 min at the final moment of dissolution.

 

Your attorney will help you come to a financial decision about what it's costing you to remain in the house.

[Misadventure]

This is familiar as many men move on emotionally when they have someone on the side.

 

Yep!!!!

 

When I filed for divorce I used budgetlegal.com, if you want to try and do it amicably without attorneys. Good luck to you!

 

Yeah, WAY too late for that....by months. No way to be amicable at this point.

 

Balzac, he is also seeking temporary and permanent exclusive possession of the house. I just want it until the end of the divorce. I think we have to go in front of a judge, because also for attorney fees.

[Clay]

With him leaving you like he did and taking you off all the accounts I don't think a Judge is just going to turn a blind eye to that. I would not be a bit surprised if you end up with more than you expect.

 

 

Clay

[Misadventure]

Clay, I am praying you are right.

[RightThere]

Its because 6 months ago I thought I had it all. I never did and I never knew and my life is forever changed. He is a coward.. even if he felt regret he would never pick up the phone or email. I won't ever hear from him ever again after finality of the divorce. In a way that is just so very sad...how life can change like that in a heartbeat. I hope that means it can change for the positive as well, as I want happiness again.

 

Hang in there. I'm with you in that I HAVE to believe that with all the negative that get dumped on one person over a short period of time, there has to be some positive coming that will balance it all out.

 

I think we only see the negative today because we're looking for it.

[Clay]

I wound be seriously surprised if you didn't. Judges are paid to be reasonable. They are paid to look at all the fact. The facts are he left you. He took all the money including yours from your check. Left you to try to figure out how to feed yourself and pay the bills. He refused most of your contact to address this situation. This is unacceptable and unreasonable. I do not see his attorney having a good way of explaining it.

 

 

 

Clay

[revitup]

MsA, Just checking in and saying Great for you.

 

You amaze me.

 

REVITUP

[Misadventure]

I was down this week..for sure. I got a bill in the mail too from my attorney, why haven't we gone in front of a judge yer for attorney fees? I stopped in again this week to drop off more things, my financial aff has not been filed nor my deposition taken and I am freaking out. But also I don't have money for more attorney fees.. I know this. Anyone who looks at how much I make knows this and then look at his acct.!!!

 

The water is still on... for now. I will switch it to mine if and when I have to. I am just 9 shades of pissed.

 

Then.. for one brief moment..something good happened.

 

Friday night my friends treated me to this gourmet food/drink/ cinema all in one that is like 40 minutes away to go see Thor. Amazing food, great place.

 

After the film was over, we stayed around so I could finish my drink... I ended up asking this random guy who had been staring at us if he was the owner. He was! All of us started chatting. The chef came out ((cute and from Italy)). We got a tour of the kitchen etc and I kept petting the chef saying next time I come I want something special lol.

 

The station I work for does promotion for local businesses if they sign up with our station and give discounts to employees. So we exchanged cards... then somehow I had talked about Animal Rescue.

 

He told me... make a 15-30 second promo and we will put it before all the trailers and films. Next best date is Nov 22nd so bring us something before then.

 

Do you know how big this is? He has 2-3 cinemas, and this will be shown in all theatres. So I got together with my filmmaker friend who is IMDB credited, and we are on the way to filming soon. First meeting is tonight. Trying to get a local big name to frontman the promo, right now I have a playboy model who is one of my friends who does Mutts and Models.

 

Soooo excited. Finally something good.

 

But why can't this transfer over to the rest of my life... I still feel so blue and I hate this. So I am just going to focus on the filming this week.

 

MsA, Just checking in and saying Great for you.

 

You amaze me.

 

REVITUP

 

Awww -- no.. YOU amaze ME!!

 

Miss you and ((hugs)). Come chat, don't be a stranger!

[Shocked Suzie]

But why can't this transfer over to the rest of my life... I still feel so blue and I hate this. So I am just going to focus on the filming this week.

 

It will come give it time keep doing what you are doing eventually things will fall into place

 

SS x

[Steen719]

I was down this week..for sure. I got a bill in the mail too from my attorney, why haven't we gone in front of a judge yer for attorney fees? I stopped in again this week to drop off more things, my financial aff has not been filed nor my deposition taken and I am freaking out. But also I don't have money for more attorney fees.. I know this. Anyone who looks at how much I make knows this and then look at his acct.!!!

 

The water is still on... for now. I will switch it to mine if and when I have to. I am just 9 shades of pissed.

 

Then.. for one brief moment..something good happened.

 

Friday night my friends treated me to this gourmet food/drink/ cinema all in one that is like 40 minutes away to go see Thor. Amazing food, great place.

 

After the film was over, we stayed around so I could finish my drink... I ended up asking this random guy who had been staring at us if he was the owner. He was! All of us started chatting. The chef came out ((cute and from Italy)). We got a tour of the kitchen etc and I kept petting the chef saying next time I come I want something special lol.

 

The station I work for does promotion for local businesses if they sign up with our station and give discounts to employees. So we exchanged cards... then somehow I had talked about Animal Rescue.

 

He told me... make a 15-30 second promo and we will put it before all the trailers and films. Next best date is Nov 22nd so bring us something before then.

 

Do you know how big this is? He has 2-3 cinemas, and this will be shown in all theatres. So I got together with my filmmaker friend who is IMDB credited, and we are on the way to filming soon. First meeting is tonight. Trying to get a local big name to frontman the promo, right now I have a playboy model who is one of my friends who does Mutts and Models.

 

Soooo excited. Finally something good.

 

But why can't this transfer over to the rest of my life... I still feel so blue and I hate this. So I am just going to focus on the filming this week.

 

 

 

Awww -- no.. YOU amaze ME!!

 

Miss you and ((hugs)). Come chat, don't be a stranger!

 

Awesome, just awesome!

 

You will get there, MisA. You just wait and see. You will be free of an a$$ and when you find someone else who is worthy of you and you are crazy about him, all of this pain will be a thing of the past and you will be grateful that you are able and free to love that someone else. You hang in there.

[MsOptimist]

Your new project is fabulous - congrats! It will start to translate into other areas of your life. This is the perfect kind of distraction, especially one that is so positive. It will lead to more opportunities!

[Misadventure]

I am hoping so, met with the director last night, we did a time line, quick script, and a small set of storyboards of what we wanted. I am going to be AD and I guess Producer, he is checking today if this can be added as an IMDB credit. We have two local celebrities interested so far, but looking for 4 more.

 

I actually prayed last night and asked if this was a turning point, to lead me down my path and to just help me. I have never done anything on this caliber but I am really excited. Just also pretty scared, I feel like I failed in marriage and that was the most important thing in my life for such a long time. I can't feel at THIS...its not about me.. its about helping the animals and taking it to a broader audience to make people think. I just don't want to turn people off, want to make them curious to know more and maybe even adopt or foster, donate or volunteer.

[MsOptimist]

I am hoping so, met with the director last night, we did a time line, quick script, and a small set of storyboards of what we wanted. I am going to be AD and I guess Producer, he is checking today if this can be added as an IMDB credit. We have two local celebrities interested so far, but looking for 4 more.

 

I actually prayed last night and asked if this was a turning point, to lead me down my path and to just help me. I have never done anything on this caliber but I am really excited. Just also pretty scared, I feel like I failed in marriage and that was the most important thing in my life for such a long time. I can't feel at THIS...its not about me.. its about helping the animals and taking it to a broader audience to make people think. I just don't want to turn people off, want to make them curious to know more and maybe even adopt or foster, donate or volunteer.

 

This is the perfect platform to get back some of the self esteem that is inevitably lost from the divorce.

 

I, too, felt like I failed with my marriage and it was my most prized accomplishment in my life. It has taken me awhile to realize that I did not fail. I upheld my end of the deal. HE chose to not honor the vows and do the work to get us back on track (both my exH and your STBXH). You did have good times together. The entire marriage itself was not a failure and it didn't end because of you.

[dumped2013]

You have room to be a foster? I'm thinking about doing that but the house is empty all day while I'm gone so it would probably not be a good idea right now. Keep up with the dog rescue. It will make you feel good inside every time you know you helped one.