Husband Left Suddenly & it's been pretty bad.

[littlejaz]

Misadventure, you should be so proud of yourself. You have come a long way in a short amount of time and today's post proves it. It was/is him. It is his problem, you unfortunately are just collateral damage.

 

As for him moving on so quickly, I believe that shows just how shallow they are. They, as in wayward spouses, don't have enough sense to reflect back on what happened and try to learn and grow from it. They will enter the next relationship with even more baggage than they had in the one they are ending. And they won't be happy. They may convince themselves they are for a bit, but in the end it will be another unfulfilling relationship, just like every other one they have ever had. You have to look within to find true happiness and people like our STBX's will never do that.

 

You have to allow yourself time to mourn the loss of your marriage and the loss of the man you loved, because he no longer exists. It is the same process we go through when a loved one dies.

 

Good luck and please keep posting, your story is such an inspiration.

[Grumpybutfun]

MisA:

Well said....empty in him is exactly right! Also, those butterflies he is expecting with some girl from match.com do not come with empty girls who would want to be with a shallower than a teaspoon man like him anyway, so he is screwed! Farewell all butterflies, hello to cold hard truths about yourself and an ex-wife who will move on to something more.

In support,

Grumps

[Misadventure]

Last night was a good night..Keith Urban concert.. amazing!!!

 

I just realized that this morning I didn't realize today is the 5th and 3rd month anniversary (of course I "knew" but I didn't wake up thinking about it).

 

Mind you I still have Laryngitis too lol.. no yelling for me..and very hard for my friend to try and understand what I was trying to tell her in between songs. I kind of got teary eyed over one song that reminded me of stbx...but that moment passed quick. It also doesn't help I was dripping sweat from the humidity.

 

This weekend is a good weekend so far but I am tired. This is a moment where I miss having a significant other....for a massage.

 

I just know I am not ready for what comes with all that yet...

[Debidarling]

Just wanted to say thanks. I am going through the same thing a month behind you. Reading this thread has been good for me.

[trippi1432]

Last night was a good night..Keith Urban concert.. amazing!!!

 

I just realized that this morning I didn't realize today is the 5th and 3rd month anniversary (of course I "knew" but I didn't wake up thinking about it).

 

Mind you I still have Laryngitis too lol.. no yelling for me..and very hard for my friend to try and understand what I was trying to tell her in between songs. I kind of got teary eyed over one song that reminded me of stbx...but that moment passed quick. It also doesn't help I was dripping sweat from the humidity.

 

This weekend is a good weekend so far but I am tired. This is a moment where I miss having a significant other....for a massage.

 

I just know I am not ready for what comes with all that yet...

 

But...........Keith Urban!! That man can take away anything that "ails ya".

 

Getting teary-eyed is not a sign of weakness Hun, it's a sign that (unlike him) you have a heart, one that is capable of love, of honesty and truth. No, you don't need to sit and listen to every song that reminds you of him, but soon you will hear a song that reminds you of something that was good...and you will smile because better is what you deserve and it will be what you have.

 

It's a road, but anytime you have to remember to realize something that was in the past means you are moving forward. I still remember my first husband's birthday....and might comment on it a month or two later. I still remember my current ex-H's SS #.....totally useless information....in the end, it's all just numbers.

[TrappedWanderer]

Just wanted to say thanks to Misadventure for sharing her story and for all the comments that followed. I just read the entire thread, and it's giving me a tiny bit of hope that there's some light at the end of the tunnel and I'll get through my own bad situation that I'm in. Thanks for sharing such personal things and best of luck to you!

[Grumpybutfun]

MisA:

How are you doing? Feeling better?

G

[Misadventure]

Just wanted to say thanks to Misadventure for sharing her story and for all the comments that followed. I just read the entire thread, and it's giving me a tiny bit of hope that there's some light at the end of the tunnel and I'll get through my own bad situation that I'm in. Thanks for sharing such personal things and best of luck to you!

 

Just wanted to say thanks. I am going through the same thing a month behind you. Reading this thread has been good for me.

This means alot... your welcome... If my journey can help anyone in any way at all, and my words can aid another and let them find solace and peace.. or laugh a bit..I am glad that I can be of any help to anyone.

 

Getting teary-eyed is not a sign of weakness Hun, it's a sign that (unlike him) you have a heart, one that is capable of love, of honesty and truth.

 

It's a road, but anytime you have to remember to realize something that was in the past means you are moving forward.

 

You are sooo right!!! I am realize I get teary-eyed when something jolts me and reminds me of something..but otherwise I am doing okay.. not great yet.. but I am okay and I know it will get better.

 

MisA:

How are you doing? Feeling better?

G

 

Hi sweetie! Ahhhh... I still sound like freakin Minnie Mouse at the moment... Laryngitis is not flattering.. just FYI.

 

I don't talk when I don't have to (as hard as it is..)..but my voice is not back yet!! Just time...and tea with honey, and lemon are supposed to help.

 

As for the rest of me... This past week has been frustrating with the STBX... he is just so many different species of a.s.s.h0le that I don't recognize him really. A mutual friend confirmed to me that he indeed has been philandering with different girls..around my sister's age.. so barely legal...and he messaged me last week about getting the roof inspected.. "I assume since you didn't respond to my last email that you have no intention of talking with the inspector".

 

When he had first emailed me about the inspector was in early August and I was still very emotional.. still am somedays but nowhere near what I was.

 

I texted back saying "Of course I will help in anything needed for the maintenance of the house, as long as it is paid for. I will speak with the inspector and arrange a time after payment has been made.".

 

So then he tried to arrange it with the inspector so that he & the inspector will be here.. at a time I am working.. from home.. in which sound can get me fired...he knows this. I spoke to the inspector and why that would not work. Only one of us needs to be present on the premises...and stbx wants to be here.. I don't want or need him here... He did not pay the inspector...so that's basically where we are... a standstill.

 

I emailed him saying that I had spoken with the inspector, payment had not been made but I was more than happy to have him here around my work schedule, reminding him that I cannot have unscheduled or unannounced visits due to my job at home...and out of courtesy and good faith to please confer with me.

 

No response....effing two tone chump coward!

 

But....on a positive note....I met someone who seriously intrigues me..he is divorced also.. knows what I am going through...he is a writer...creative...funny...unfathomably ruggedly handsome...we talked for 2 1/2 hours tonight on the phone... my Minnie mouse voice and all. He sent me an email after our phone call basically just saying how much he enjoyed it and how much we have in common. A few months ago, never in a million years did I ever think I would feel a small rush of... anything. Actually, I don't even know what it is I feel.. but it is..something. A positive something.

 

In our phone call I did make it kind of obvious.. I need to go slow.. like glacially slow lol. He laughed...(cause I did say glacially slow) but he said he totally "got it" and he's been there.

 

At the end of our phone call, we basically said good-bye for 15 minutes because we kept talking...he stumbled on words... I said.. "What.. the writer is speechless??"

 

He said "yeah.. I am. This has just been ...really..just one of the best conversations".

 

I am not going to "pipedream" him... I know the percentage of me in my current situation having anything successful, and I don't even know if I can.. so I need to be realistic..but he said "Glacially slow" is ok...so.. will see how the glacier goes.

 

Thank you guys seriously for caring. I don't think I would have even an ounce of having come as far as I have at this point without so many of the tough love words, as well as the just open, honest, and nurturing words.

 

Thank you for being here.

[Grumpybutfun]

MisA:

You handled the roofing situation very well. Keep all texts and e-mails showing that you tried to comply with his requests about the inspector. You never know with Mr. Hyde just what he might try to throw up at you later to emotionally pull you off your game.

He is an a$$ for doing anything to jeopardize your work situation. It is appalling to me that anyone would suggest something that would be harmful to your work since you are trying so hard to find full time employment and need this right now.

Isn't it always the case that we get sick at the most inopportune times? Just take care of yourself, and remember that self-care goes a long way in helping you mentally and physically.

So, how did you meet the writer? Is he respectful of your space? Does he understand that you do not need any necessary drama right now? It is good for you to have someone to "light" you up, but take everything you feel with caution...you are still a little vulnerable. Glacial is a good rule right now. If he has been through this, he probably knows what you are capable of, but keep the lines of communication open at all times.

You are going to make it through this. Your H just wanted something greener and he would have done this with anyone. When something is missing in them, they try to fill that hole with something on the outside instead of working out their own shortcomings themselves. He never deserved you.

Chin up,

Grumps

[melissag]

MisA, that is so great that you are able to see the possibility of love again. And so smart to go glacially slow. I am sure that it seems like you have been going through this pain and hurt forever, but really it hasn't been so long - and you have done so much healing, and seem to really have your head on straight. It gives me hope that someday I too will know my ass from a hole in the ground.

 

Also, good for you on the way you have handled the roof inspection thing.

[Misadventure]

Grumps, I was actually surprised at how fast I responded to texts to him on this and didn't feel anything and was just professional..until he got me mad lol. Then I was just angry. Everything is in text or email. I want to be able to show that I am doing everything on my end to be cooperative and that I am not out of the loop, I took the initiative to talk to the roof inspector and arrange time with him since he was coming to my place of residence and I work from home.

 

The roof inspector kind of made it clear that the last conversation with stbx was not positive (he was professional but I could tell he was saying that stbx was rude), and it was most likely better for stbx and I to lay out a time and details and for him to get payment and he will just come. I made this clear in the last email to stbx..and received no response. At the end of the email I said " Please respond in a timely manner or I will assume you are putting off inspection until further notice." No response. I am pretty sure he is going to try and use all this for him to get exclusive use of the house during the divorce, so I am prepared. I will show how cooperative I am trying to be and how he did not respond back and I called the roof inspector many times.... so bring it! Let's play.

 

I am pissed that he basically has no respect or courtesy and would be fine bringing someone around the house when I may working and jeopardizing getting me fired.

 

As for the writer...Amazed at how much we had in common. Just little things.. I was a vegetarian for 12 yrs.. and so was he. Just common interests in film, writing, books, politics, travel, relationships, and we just "gel".

 

He talked about that he had dated briefly right after he was divorced (she had left him and he was blindsided as well so he understood)..and how there were moments where he just needed to be alone.

 

I don't have any expectations here but it's just nice to be able to feel this way.. positive. I have to admit.. even though my mind knows better, my self esteem has been all over the place because of stbx's words and actions. The first couple months I pretty much questioned everything about myself, especially my looks because of how I was left.

 

Yes, I know better (in my mind) but emotionally it still lingers. So when this beautiful rugged writer is genuinely interested it reminds me of all the qualities about me that I know are there but I just forget they are...I am just happy they seem to come out when I need them lol.

 

I want throw down passion again. I don't really think I had that with stbx...I had fallen for him for his personality (who he was way back when) not his looks. He isn't unattractive, but I never really looked at him and melted. There was passion but it was never throw down passion.

 

I'm not expecting anything...because I don't even know what I can offer right now..my glacier is slow moving lol.

[trippi1432]

Hi MisA - I like that, "glacially slow". And it's good that he understands that and respects your boundaries. Going slow is a good, healthy boundary. I'm four years post S&D now and I still prefer to take things slow when it comes to my heart.

 

Take all the time you need and enjoy getting to know him and him you. And just a word of wisdom, don't allow your stbx's actions and his stupidity hurt what you are building if you really like this new guy. I was in the same boat on the self-esteem when my ex-H left, he said some really ugly things to me to compare me to his sudden soulmate. I had to learn to be happy with who I am and get his voice out of my head so I could allow someone else to appreciate what he never valued.

 

Recently, my new boyfriend complimented me on my smile and my "sexy giggle", very sweet but even years later, my thoughts went straight away to my ex-H telling me for years that I had stupid smile (chicklets for front teeth, called me gappy because I have a small gap in my teeth and said I laughed like a guinea pig). I heard that for so many years that I didn't like my picture taken and I would immediately become self-critical. A couple of years before we split up, he asked me why we didn't have more family photos....hmmm, I wonder...duh! I do realize now that he is a very insecure person and his criticizing of me, the kids....etc, is based on his own insecurities and fears.

 

At any rate, isn't it funny how the moron who wants to feel "butterflies" has no idea what passion is or how to create it in their current relationship?

 

Keep up the good work in documenting everything and protecting your boundaries with the stbx. How are things coming with the lawyer?

 

(((Hugs!!)))

[Friggia]

I've read your whole thread and am impressed with your evolution. How did you meet this new guy?

 

Do you ever think that your stbx has some kind of health reason for the seemingly sudden shift in personality, like maybe he has a tumor? Or looking back did you just ignore the red flags that pointed toward this happening? Just curious!

[Oberfeldwebel]

You obviously have the ability to attract a good looking man, without trying, so that is really not even an issue. Oddly enough it has been my experience that looks rarely have anything to do with an affair partner. It is usually someone that feeds their ego and therefore rarely lasts as a long term relationship. Also if they will cheat with you, then they will cheat on you, so that is another affair factor.

 

You just have to remember that the ex is the one that looses, because you are a person of value. The proof of that is you have attracted another good looking gentleman without even trying. Even if this relationship does not develop, the fact is your attraction factor is pretty high. I would caution you to not rush the relationship, nor bury the negative emotions. It is a process and you have to allow yourself the time to move through the process, so you can heal. You are actually doing quite well, considering the situation. Hang tough.

[Misadventure]

I've read your whole thread and am impressed with your evolution. How did you meet this new guy?

 

Do you ever think that your stbx has some kind of health reason for the seemingly sudden shift in personality, like maybe he has a tumor? Or looking back did you just ignore the red flags that pointed toward this happening? Just curious!

 

Hi Friggia, well thank you seriously.. some days I do step back for a second.. but at least if I am going forward... 2 steps forward, 1 step back.. it is still going forward..albeit slowly. I met this guy in a writing group, turns out we have a lot in common.

 

As much as I would like to blame some random tumor or brain trauma for his actions, he is in perfect health. He is just guilty of being a heartless pig rat b.a.s.t.a.r.d--- two tone d.!.c.k.--a.s.s.h.0.l.e who has no soul!!

 

I did alot of looking back.. and even in counseling we talk about things, but mainly that was the first several sessions...I didn't ignore the red flags.. I just didn't see them except small things towards the end... but when I asked, he just lied to me and hid his feelings, and pretended and went through the motions.. faked everything while planning to leave. I really had no idea and did not see this coming. In fact just a few days before we had an incredible night together, which was rare because he usually doesn't last long at all but we had both been drinking. It was the first true and real "O" moment for me in a very very very very very very very long time with him. Not only that but he went on and on about how much he loved me. It really is so messed up. HE is so messed up.

 

If I hadn't caught him looking at apts online that morning... I think things would have been much worse legally, financially, emotionally and over all. He was leaving either way...then or eventually. I just fouled up his getaway plan and expedited him leaving.

 

Ob..I spent alot of time thinking about this and I don't think I will never know the "why's"...but when I break it down....I think these factors contribute:

 

- We started dating when he was 22, I am 5.5 yrs older than he is.

 

- I am the 2nd partner he has ever been with (his 1st was a one night fling)

 

- He always hated the fact that I have a partner history and LTR history of more than him (basically way more experienced)

 

- He was the other guy (oral only no sex except for the last one) 3 times in his life..once in high school (his best friend's GF)...once while in college (his best friend's brother's GF).. and then the one girl he slept with (she was living with a boyfriend and they had a one night fling, she wanted to continue things but he had started talking to me so he did not go further than that one night with her).

 

- He was probably tired of being the main breadwinner but he did not communicate this, even though I asked several times.

 

- He wanted greener grass and butterflies after 8 yrs.. he has never been in an adult LTR relationship and is emotionally immature.

 

Ob.. I agree with you he will do this with the next person etc. I have listed so many of this, his positive and negative attributes that I have come to really see that I deserve so much better.. I am not perfect, not even close.. but I gave my whole heart and my all...and did not deserve this at all.

 

I don't know sometimes OB.. sometimes I feel just blah and so sludgie and unattractive. I am not going to rush anything with anyone but it's nice to feel validated and attractive when I least expect it especially now. I am hanging in... some days are better than others... but at least the pain and hurt doesn't last all day like it did before.

Edited October 13, 2013 by Misadventure

[Misadventure]

I saw this movie today and this resonated so much.

 

I am not black.. I think it hits home with any color of women.. but this movie should be Diary of a woman/man of a wayward spouse!!

 

Quote from the movie:

 

September 19th. Dear Diary, as I sit here thinking about picking up the pieces of what used to be my life, I realized something. Every room in this house holds a painful memory for me. Even though he's suffering, something somewhere in me wants him to suffer more. A few months and a divorce can take you through just as many emotions as 18 years in a marriage. And I'm starting to feel all of them at once. But the one that is clear is rage. Signed, a Mad Black Woman.

 

 

..As I sit here thinking about picking up the pieces of what used to be my life, I realized something. Every room in this house holds a painful memory for me.

 

Not all, but many rooms make me sad at one moment or another... I walked by the bathroom the other day and I smelled his aftershave. The aftershave isn't even bloody in there anymore...he took it with him months ago. It's like the room remembered...and hollered out to me randomly to torment me for a second...make me flashback to a happier moment..

 

-A few months and a divorce can take you through just as many emotions as 18 years in a marriage.

 

Oh, isn't that so true!!!!!!!

 

And I'm starting to feel all of them at once. But the one that is clear is rage.

Oh, yes, I am!!!!!!!

[Misadventure]

Grrrrr!! How I effing hate him.

 

Finally got a response in email about the roof..just as formal as mine basically saying...that he will come over anyway and my job will be fine.

 

What an a.s.s.h.0.l.e.

 

"Send me over your schedule". LOL yeah right, two tone d.!.c.k mothereffing effer.

 

Arg!!!!

[Mystery2Me]

Hi MisA!

 

Congrats on choosing you! If possible to protect your job, I would schedule the roof stuff on your off-day.

 

If needed take a vacation day, I would not give him the chance to jepordize your job.

 

Clearly he has no respect.

 

Cheers~Mystery

[dumped2013]

I feel for you misa. You are a very bright girl. You will figure it out. Be strong and hang in there. It will all be ok. Eventually, hopefully we will all be. I need to learn to put periods between my cuss words so they won't be censored. Haha

[Misadventure]

Mystery, I emailed back basically saying that under no circumstance under the current quality control standards can I have people here making noise or contributing to noise that can jeopardize my job. This is fair, valid and non-negotiable. I said that too. I also said.. but the good news is that my main day off is Friday and there are several Fridays between now and the end of December so this is a fair and good compromise. Please let me know which Friday works best for you and the roof inspector...

 

((flipping the bird to you invisibly you pig rat b.a.s.t.a.r.d))

 

Dumped, yes.. I used to admin a site a while back so I know thats usually how it goes to put periods or dashes lol. You are right though, this will all be over eventually and it will be ok.

 

It's funny.. earlier today I ran across a pic of him with my dogs and I felt a small tiny tiny fragment of remembrance and then I just passed it.. and then saw this email and the level of hatred, far surpasses any small twinge of remembrance.

 

I am hoping I can have someone here that Friday he comes. Ignore him the best I can...I have been doing so well trying to move forward and past this...and this just really sets me back a step. I am upset.

 

Now I have to see him.

 

I better get all gargoyles out of the way....

[Friggia]

Wouldn't it be awesome if your new man friend could be there? Just joking...

[MsOptimist]

Catching up on your thread today - I am SO PROUD to see how far you're coming in this process. A process that totally sucks but it's necessary to trudge through this mud in order to come out stronger and better than before.

 

You remind me so much of myself - in the things that you're now realizing about your marriage that maybe weren't so great like you thought, and your eyes are starting to open to new and BETTER possibilities. You will be able to find throw down passion again, no question about it.

 

Keep moving forward - doing things for yourself, being courteous when required to interact with him, and try not to focus on whatever barely legal aged things he's involved with. If he's anything like my exH he'll be going through quite the string of failed "relationships."

 

Rooting for you!

[dumped2013]

You go girl. Just breath and effing remember that it will all be alright. You are young and lucky y 'all didn't have kids. Recover eventually and you can start over. Love on your dogs and let them sleep with you. I have a little cat laying right beside me. Animals are unconditional love. People are not. Your future is bright.

[dumped2013]

And get back to volunteering in the dog rescue. That is a major positive in your life right now. I read your whole thread again today . Keeps my mind off of my problems and helps me to see that you have come a long way. You effing agree?

[Misadventure]

MsO, I hope you are right and thank you so much for your cheering on. I DO want thrown down passion... I want the whole "I want to tie you up and can't wait to rip your clothes off" passion!! I just wonder if it will happen and I hope so. I remember what that was like before the stbx....

 

And I am just so angry right now that I think it has set me back.. I was awake till 4 am last night.. could not sleep...with meds!!!

 

Dumped...I feel like I have gone forward but then this just keeps pulling me a few steps back...his lack of having control...and his game playing.. and then when I do have to see him..I hate this. I so hate who he is now...

 

Last night he had said that next Friday won't work for him so "send him" the rest of my schedule.. Ummm.. No. I said.. I will repeat again that Fridays are my scheduled day off for most weeks. Pick a Friday.....Then I said (and maybe this was over the top)..I have maintained email and tried to call you twice about this to better work this out..but I cannot keep having this same conversation, if there is a Friday that cannot be chosen I will refer this to my attorney but I hope you can find a Friday that fits for all of us.

____________________________________________________________

 

Grr!!!!

 

With someone with a master's degree, how hard is that to comprehend? Oh, that's right, he doesn't care, wasn't paying attention and is a selfish, narcissistic pile of dung at the bottom of my boot.

 

ok... breathing deep. I need to seriously have like a zen class to relax me or something now lol.

 

Btw I do think I should get back involved with rescue... it's just when we lose dogs because a rescue can't step up..or a foster.. or adopter... these sweet dogs that I have fought for get put to sleep...thats hard for me to handle on top of this mess. BUT I think I will start getting back in again, I do love helping and no better feeling than finding a home for a baby on death row.

Edited October 17, 2013 by Misadventure