Lost In The Wild

[LostInTheWild]

Hey Red!

 

Yes, I did...unofficially...get the house. When I sign some paperwork, it will then be official.

 

I'm excited. But I'm not. I didn't think this would happen and the circumstances are on par with the thoughts in my mind, but not with my heart. I will be leaving some really good friends here. And I will miss them. They won't be a stone's throw away anymore. But it opens the door for me to make new friends, which I intend to do.

 

So I can't start packing yet, but once the pen touches the paper my ass is going to be running around like a headless chicken.

 

Yesterday I had another great idea: dust off the good ol' outdated résumé and go to town. #updated.

 

On my free time at work today, I browsed through some job postings. "Apply, apply, apply." All of these jobs closer to my possible new residence. Walk to work? COOL.

 

I've come to realize I'm greedy and I need more money. While I'm sitting pretty with my decent job, I'll try to find a better one. If I don't? Oh well—I've still got a great job at a company I love. I can be picky. I can afford to be now. So I'll search for a month or two and if unsuccessful, I'll put the search off until next year.

 

New house. More money. Better position. And new circle of friends. That's where I see myself next year. Hopefully.

[LostInTheWild]

So, with the sale of the house pending for next week (when I sign the contract -- no concrete date yet), I found myself wondering if I would ever meet someone again. I didn't wonder for too long. Out of the darkness fell a man straight onto my lap, leaving me wondering once again, why me?

 

Out with friends this past weekend, one of them suggested meeting his relative. In a drunken, happy fog, "Sure!"

 

We talked for a while and we are supposed to meet today. Why? I have no idea because he...wait for it, wait for it, WAIT FOR IT...doesn't want a relationship!

 

WOW! Imagine that. But, it could be a fun time and although I'm not looking for "casual," I can always use a friend (and nowadays I have plenty of self-control). No worries here.

[LostInTheWild]

I'm afraid I'm becoming this person. This person who no longer gives a sh*t. Shamelessly. I can't remember a time I've cared so little. I can't remember a time I've been so afraid in the fact that I have nothing to lose.

 

I've floated through these weeks. Seamlessly. I was late to work again on Friday. When will they tell me I'm awful? When will it be worth it to fire me? I thought about this on Friday while operating on two hours of sleep. No big deal.

 

I had partied hard, hitting my pillow hard at 3:30 in the morning. Life flowed into my body at 7, my start time. "Sh*t. Not again. Oh well…" I muttered then threw clothes and makeup on.

 

The night had been swell. I went out with the Russian. He showed me a good time and he also has the largest penis I've ever seen. But I did nothing with him, preserving my ladyness, and seeking control I always lose in the moment. I just thought, "I'm tired of men using me for sex. I'm going to say no from now on." So I did. Even when he pushed my head down. Even when he tried to guilt me into it. "No."

 

Funny thing is, I wish I would have said yes. Although everything sucks after everything (even though it's fun and I don't regret it), I feel like I missed out. Sucks. I feel like a dude. BUT his face was priceless. I will never forget it. It was like nobody had rejected him before. It was empowering, but I still felt like I'd lost after he texted me last night asking if I'd like to hang out. I had already passed out, so that was a hell no.

 

Anyway, I'm struggling. I'm struggling to leave my old life. I'm struggling to pack. I'm irritable. But I'm giddy.

 

"What if nothing is different for me there?" I asked my friend who was laying on the hospital bed, holding her fresh son in her hands, her second child. "It has to be, ****."

 

I held him that evening after work. His skin was so soft. And I realized, although there is nothing special about having a child, there is something special about doing it.

 

"Will I ever have a child?"

[LostInTheWild]

Monday will mark the close of a long chapter. I will close the windows, unplug the lamps, take down pictures, clean, and pack plenty of boxes full of the things that have decidedly earned their keep in my life. All other junk, meaningless rubble, will be scrapped. I will have time to pack, slowly, releasing tension, letting go of my former life...forever. On 5:45 Monday, after the long drive near my new residence, there will be no turning back -- the papers will be signed...even if there are parts and pieces and puzzles of this life I want to hold on to or take with me. This place will be a new beginning for someone else and I hope they love it as much as I did when the rooms were filled with laughter, smiles, and radiating warmth. I hope they never experience the ghosts that have haunted me...the fighting, the crying, and so many tears. Silence.

 

It will be a rough road financially. I will most certainly struggle with my weak, meager one-person income. But if I can evolve and grow in my current position or within another company, I will truly be able to hold my own and no person could take that away from me again.

 

I realized today, with my coworker asking to hang out outside of work (ulterior motives), that I will never let another man take a piece of me with him again. It sounds bitter, but it is not. I will never give someone the power to ruin me, make me cry, or make me vulnerable again. I now carry a strong personality. A personality I never thought I'd own or live up to. I have exceeded this in every way. And I also realize this is probably the very thing that keeps me single.

 

I noticed this because this was the second time I've declined an offer. I declined because he found out his wife wanted a divorce on Monday and just today he is rushing to move her out of his life -- with twins and one on the way. Now, I am smart enough to not talk myself into things. I'm not desperate enough to accept a date or "hang out" with every man who offers. I can be picky and choosy. I can say no. I have my reasons...and I gently explained something to him as I've come to know this is true for all of you here, and for myself. This is probably one of the smartest things I've ever told someone about relationships and their endings: "You need more time. It took me nearly a year to be okay after my 3-year-relationship. Maybe when you feel better we can hang out." We need time to find ourselves again, I've learned. And even when you have a crappy, messed up day that will never end and there is nobody to CRY ABOUT IT TO, NOBODY TO HOLD YOU, NOBODY TO MAKE IT ALL BETTER, you learn to cope with it slowly. And you grow. You spread your wings and take that leap. You learn to take the air in slowly, deep breaths, panic setting in. Just when you think you will hit the ground -- you don't, and you realize you will be okay. All by yourself. And one day, you learn to fly.

 

I protected myself for the second time. I valued myself. I believed what I said. And I was honest.

 

I thought to myself after this again: "Why me?" But then I had another thought -- I trust myself now and I trust in the decisions I've been making recently. I made the right choice. Because at the end of the day -- single, married, coupled, kids, or none -- you are always going to be with yourself. Love yourself first and then you can love someone else.

 

I'm no longer Lost In The Wild. The wild has found me. And I embrace the beauty it has brought to me. I understand everything now. The journey from where I've been, the journey to where I'm going...and all the moments in between. They're real, they matter, and they've shaped and molded me.

Edited August 15, 2014 by LostInTheWild

[LostInTheWild]

Okay, maybe this isn't very interesting, but once again I'm finding myself to be very curious...and as we all know by now, paging through my never-ending diatribe...curiosity is not a good, healthy characteristic I have. Not one bit.

 

About a month ago my mom enlisted the help of a young realtor to aid in the search of a house. The house I wanted, well, that deal fell apart and my realtor pretty much told me I could rent. But then, and I'm still hoping—I got lucky. Post-young, male realtor. The day I walked my would-be neighborhood with him and my parents, we found ourselves chatting quite a bit. He told me he knew people in the area and that he would help me, not in so many words, set up a network of new friends. I thought it would be awesome. Then came the point I thought he was interesting. Then I glanced at his hand (standard procedure nowadays), then the word "girlfriend" briefly left his mouth. And I kept on trucking.

 

So I'm writing this today because now I'm curious about him. I don't even really find myself to be attracted to him in the slightest, in fact, I'd be willing to wager the opposite. However, he does have a great personality and a sense of humor a little less dry than mine (mine could start a forest fire...it's that dry). He was only an option for about ten minutes and then my brain switched topics entirely. For about a month. I never thought about him up until about a week ago.

 

I woke up Friday. It was my day off. I checked my phone. An unfamiliar number in the form of a missed call graced my screen. Who is this? I googled it and sure enough, it was him. I was kind of afraid he would be trying to sue me for cutting him out of a deal or some crap, so I replied with a text. I freaked out and called my mom wondering if I could be sued while I waited for his response, which was almost instantaneous. He was wondering if I had found a place. I told him I did. He asked how I was. Told him I was okay. Wait for it...

 

He told me he was happy I found something and to let him know if I'd like to go out and celebrate. I told him I'd need someone to show me around to new places, etc. and that I'd definitely let him know. And I will. Then we cracked a couple of jokes. Then he asked me if I still live where I'm living now. Of course I am...

 

Guys, what am I supposed to think about a guy who pops up pretty much asking if I'd like to celebrate with him? He made no mention of others. And I've only met him once and talked to him several times about properties. I feel like an idiot for even wondering...but the general consensus, minus one, is that he is interested in me. And I got that feeling just by hearing from him again. It may be good practice to celebrate with clients, but come on... He didn't even close the deal for me. He was relieved of his duties.

 

And with that...I am concerned about his intentions because I know he told us he had a girlfriend. My female brain doth not forgetteth. It will be a relief to find another friend in someone near me. But I can already hear the, "Well, yeah I have a girlfriend but..." Or "We broke up and..." Or "I just wanted to be nice and..." So many different scenarios.

[LostInTheWild]

I sold my refrigerator. I don't have one as I am halfway here and halfway gone. "Please hold onto my food until I move next weekend?" I asked my friend in a desperate tone of voice...knowing I'd be ready to eat my right arm by the time the weekend comes. I plopped a box of food into the backseat of her car. But I needed the money...desperately.

 

Packing has increasingly slowed down for me and procrastination has set in. Am I reluctant? NO. Am I scared? Yes. I'm terrified my life will be exactly as it is now. If that turns out to be true, everything is all for naught. But at least I'd be able to plop a lawn chair right outside my door in the grass across the street. In chilly months, holding a cup of hot chocolate, watching the sun set over the river. Alone. Peaceful.

 

But I keep thinking, with making such a large commitment all by myself...What if I do meet someone? What if he wants to be with me? How would I handle my house situation? I can't give up on it just to accommodate him...Oh well, "he" doesn't exist so I guess I can let out a sigh of relief, if only temporarily. But...what if? And what if I never meet someone? There's a lot going on in my mind about relationships tonight...even though I don't have one. I still want one. Am I destined to be alone the rest of my life?

 

I haven't a clue what this coming weekend will bring me. I'm taking vacation the second and third for a five-day weekend, a two-day work week, and I'm thinking I will see if the realtor wants to hang out then. There is a strange happening of events unfolding around me and I'm finding myself to be numb to it all, like an emotionless china doll. Why am I not more excited? I'm doing this for all the right reasons...I want to be near my parents...I want to start over...I want to be in a friendly area of the city...and maybe get a new job and meet new people. I want to move on...and I'm doing so in a huge way...

 

But then I remembered something as I looked down where the fridge used to rest. You know how people probably move their appliances around when they clean? I never do. I'm a small lady and getting crushed by an appliance I can barely touch the top of does not interest me. Then I had a flashback...

 

We were in the kitchen over a year and a half ago. I was washing the dishes and realized we were missing mugs. "Where are these mugs going? We are two down now with two left!" I huffed out of frustration. Damned mysterious, disappearing dishes..."I don't know where they went," my ex explained. I searched high and low and there were only several places I could look. I never knew their fate.

 

And this incident reminded me of when I found the hidden cell phone packaging he hid from me up high, in a cabinet he thought I'd never look in. And after I discovered his dirty deed of texting the chick he met at the beach, we got back on track, then I decided to clear out some clutter. I stood on a chair and when I found it...it felt like I got punched in the stomach. The wind was knocked out of me. I couldn't believe it. Of course we fought about it because I wanted to forget. Nothing could help me forget what he'd done to me and behind my back. And this only made it worse.

 

I stood where my fridge rested and noticed a shard of glass as I began sweeping the area. I thought, "This must be from the vase I broke in here months ago..." Then I saw the color and the logo. It was the bottom of the coffee mug. He couldn't even tell me outright what happened to the mug? He watched me search for it...I searched my brain for a memory of me dropping a mug. I never did find one. But I do remember throwing a glass and a plate. I wouldn't forget breaking something by accident or on purpose. I still remember a time when I was around 4 or 5 years old...I broke my dad's crystal swan. I wanted to play with it so badly but my parents wouldn't let me. So I was sneaky and took it out of the cabinet...and then outside...where it got lost in some blankets. I lifted the blankets and it fell to the concrete...shattering. I don't forget things like that.

 

He couldn't even be honest about a damn mug. Okay, so it fell, or he broke it...whatever! I will be glad to be out of this place where secrets still lie hidden under the appliances!

 

I stood there...admiring the broken mug...and I tried so desperately to see myself living in my new house, in a new world, where things like this won't exist. But I hated my ex even more in that moment because it made me imagine a life where I wasn't alone. A life where someone would come up behind me in the kitchen and hug me, then kiss me on the neck. Someone I'd lay in bed with when I didn't have anywhere else to be. Someone I'd be married to. Someone I'd have children with. A happy life. These things don't exist in my world. Why did this make me think of it?! Then I thought of him becoming a dad...and I stopped. I emptied the dustpan in the trash and kept packing.

 

This life is over.

[Hoosfoos]

Good job. Keep going.

[LostInTheWild]

Here I sit, surrounded by boxes today. I'm dreading the move for tomorrow. I'm scared I will fall flat on my face financially...I'm scared of my life being the same...And I'm scared I might regret this forever.

 

The memories you think you've forgotten resurface once the reality of losing them permanently arises. There is so much going on in my head and in my heart. Excitement, fear, ambition, success, failure, turmoil, despair, and sadness. I am not content with this decision. This is life-changing for me. I am choosing to permanently alter my destiny and it is terrifying. I will survive. I know I will. If push comes to shove and I find I have no money by the end of it all, I know I can survive in a shelter, under a bridge, or in my parent's tiny spare bedroom (notice how this is last on the list).

 

I look around and realize I need to buy new things or repaint. I'd rather buy new things but I don't have the money to. I will be officially house poor starting tomorrow. I'll be lucky if I can buy a case of beer to last me a week or two (priorities, you know?). But one thing I really am looking forward to is having my four-legged daughter's bright eyes staring into mine once again because it's been a long time since I've held her. I miss her terribly. I can't wait to wash her, blow-dry her, trim her nails, and walk her near the river where I know she will bark at a rock laying in our path and/or the elderly.

 

I went to see my friend yesterday who recently had her second child. I have missed her too. I've missed her whole family. Nothing felt better than holding her tiny son in my arms. I wanted to cry because this is what is missing from my life. A child. His helpless body wriggled in my lap as my friend thought I was capable enough to be left unattended with him while I fed him. I held him up to burp him and he spewed vomit all over me. "I'm so sorry," my friend apologized profusely. I realized I had found my patience with children. "It's perfectly fine. I expect this. And you are apologizing way too much." I held him for a little bit longer as he dozed in and out and I finally placed him in his vibrating seat and covered him with a blanket. Maybe I wouldn't be too bad with kids after all. But that is just a dream. I talked with her while she used her breast pump...funny sight that was. Then the night ended and I left, knowing it would be a couple of months before I saw her again. That made me so sad.

 

On Thursday, I was sitting at my desk when my phone vibrated. I was thinking it might be someone who is interested in buying one my many items listed for sale online. I casually glanced at the screen wondering what item I would sell next. I wish it hadn't been my soul.

 

Alarm and panic set in. My eyes welled with tears and there was no work that was going to get done in that moment. I ran into the bathroom and swiftly closed the door. I cried. I could barely catch my breath. I couldn't believe it. And then memories came flooding back to me, in a rush, in a flood. I could have died. I wanted to die. My heart was broken all over again.

 

***

 

I guess it's time for me to talk about the man my friends introduced me to. Let's get one thing straight: I have no romantic feelings toward this man, but he is attractive and presents himself well. The Russian has very traditionalist views of what family and marriage is all about. That does not mesh well with my lifestyle at all. On the other hand, our personalities come together like magic. If things weren't all screwed up with this situation, it might have been something. But alas, I took him at his word. There is no chance for a relationship. Enough said.

 

He did invite me out with him a couple of weeks ago, so I went. It was that or I could have sat at home all night with a bottle of water and the television. We went out and I got pretty drunk. We danced. It was a really, really good time. Until I couldn't say no anymore.

 

Every day I live is another day I could potentially die. There are no men peering from behind trees, mailboxes, or buildings who want commitment. They aren't available. I have resigned myself to the fact that I will most likely end up alone. I'm figuring out that this is not unusual. I have met a woman in her 60's and she didn't have children and she never married. It was never the right time in her life. That has made me afraid and I think about that daily, but not obsessively. It's just something to keep in mind.

 

Everyone else I know is moving on with their lives and growing their families while I'm still a teenager at heart. Nothing has matured me to the point of being capable enough to handle these types of relationships and as such, I know I'll never be able to function in one. So I have given up completely.

 

With that said, I am still human and the last contact I had had with a man was The European. But this time was unlike anything I've ever experienced in my entire life. I am dumbfounded. It was great, but it did not provide any form of satiety. In fact, I nearly had a panic attack at work while explaining this to my friend. "I feel absolutely nothing...I am angry that I didn't even get anything out of this. I can't feel anything anymore. I just feel empty. I've never felt like this after doing anything with a man, except this one time." I can barely explain what this feeling is, but just imagine a very cold night out on the town where you drink and come home. You are frozen but you thaw quickly and are filled with warmth. Now imagine the same scenario, but instead you come home and you are still cold and there is nothing you can do in order to feel warm again. There is nothing I can do to change this feeling. But it wasn't because of him. It's all because of me. I have changed.

 

So last night when my friend looked at me with curiosity in her eyes, and asked me that dreaded question, "So, what's new? Any men around? No boyfriend?" I just looked down and shook my head. I'm just going to start telling people I'm defective. Surely I must be a misfit. Surely there has to be something wrong with me. Surely, she could see I was bothered by it. And I am. This situation is very disconcerting for me. The older I get, the slimmer my chances get, too. Woe is me. Yadda, yadda...blah, blah, blah.

 

#ifyou'relookingforalovestoryyouwon'tfindoneinthisthread

 

***

 

"I know that area code by heart," I thought, "It's him. The European."

 

This really hurt. The more I tried to pretend I didn't care and to shrug it off, the more I understood my pain. It weighed heavily on me. It was the elephant in the room I couldn't talk about. It IS the elephant in the room I hate mentioning on here. I missed him. I missed feeling connected to a man. I missed everything about him, including his a**hole-ish ways. I do still think about him occasionally. I do still wonder about him, but the feelings were less intense and I had accepted it. But this opened up an old wound. One I wasn't too willing to close.

 

He commented on how long it has been since he talked to me. He asked me how I was doing. It made me mad, at first. So I responded asking him who he was. He said I must be teasing him and he told me who it was. I kept it short and told him I was well and that my phone got wiped after he asked me if I had deleted his number. I lied, so...who cares?

 

I waited until after work to respond to him any further. I had to let it process. He began asking me about my house, so I told him. He asked me where it was, so I told him. He said he was hoping it was closer to him. Then I thought about it...why would I move closer to someone just for sex? Seriously? I'm not that desperate for it. I don't even seek to find it. It usually finds me in one way or another. Relationships don't, but there is no shortage of sex in my world.

 

So I wished him a happy birthday, over a month early, because I didn't know what he wanted. I thought this was just another touch-and-go like the last time. So, I wasn't going to press for an explanation for the contact. I just let him pepper me with questions.

 

Then he asked me if there were any nice restaurants or bars in the area and if I would like to get together next week once I get settled in so I could show him the house and we could have a nice dinner. This is where things get even crazier for me. I must be the dumbest moron walking the planet, but I do not care anymore because if I get to feel something again, I'll take it. I just know what to expect this time around. I told him the second will be the only day that works for me. He said he'd take it and he'd make the hour-and-a-half drive up here to see me after work. Will he? He's usually not one for making and breaking plans like this, but time will tell. Then he asked me if I was excited. I asked him if I told him I was, would he say, "gotcha?" He said no and that he was excited. I told him I was too.

 

Then something quite curious happened. I'm still shocked by how it all unfolded because this has never happened between us before. It all started when he asked me if I had changed and I told him I'm huge now and sent him a couple of pictures of "me" from the website that makes fun of people who shop at walmart. And it continuously got more and more hilarious. He was joking around with me for the first time over texts. He sent me a picture of "himself" wearing a half-speedo thing (use your imagination -- I called it the "nut sling") I still wonder what the back of that thing looks like, and the men wearing it must have been gay.

 

Then he sent me a real picture. Then I sent him a real one of myself. It's funny that it didn't take him two hours to respond each time. And it's funny he even bothered at all, but hey, to each his own.

 

I reflected and thought, "Oh god, he's the last guy I've kissed. I miss that." And here I sit, looking forward to seeing him again. I need to see my therapist, but unfortunately, the appointment is scheduled for the day after.

 

The difference will be, this time around, I won't sit around hoping and pining for something more to come of this. I recognize, fully, this is just what it is. We live too far apart and we are in different stages in life. I have feelings for him and I'm treading in dangerous waters, but I'm still going to go out with the realtor and maybe meet some new people (men, haha). Nothing is on "lock down" here. I'm moving and with that comes my right to explore opportunities to date serious-minded individuals.

 

But, I do still miss him.

[LostInTheWild]

Moving has been a crazy experience. Twenty boxes or more. Two left. All I have to do is finish the kitchen.

 

I saw The European again last night. He stayed over and recently left for work. I have missed him more than he even knows. This time was different, though.

 

I don't feel anything this time. No longing. No hoping that things will be different between us. No hoping for more contact. No wishing he'd stay longer. Nothing. He just became like the others overnight.

 

I rolled over in bed and he was asleep. I rubbed his head and watched the river. "To new beginnings..." I thought, as I watched the train crossing the bridge.

 

Nobody can have my heart. I crawled into a ball. "This is my life," I remembered. My eyes glazed over and I fell back to sleep.

Edited September 3, 2014 by LostInTheWild

[LostInTheWild]

Enter: The Realtor.

 

He came by to visit yesterday. I have to say that although I don't find him to be physically attractive, there is something attractive about him.

 

It was funny to see him pop through my front door and immediately offer me a hug. He brought beer and we started talking. He told me he had a showing later that day and asked if I would like to go. So I went. It's definitely an interesting job and you must be a people person to do it. He seemed to like what he did.

 

When we were done, he offered a walk along the river. He told me a lot of stories about himself which were all very interesting. He told me about a time he almost got robbed at gun point, his fraternity in college, and lots of other things.

 

We hung out for about three hours. I realized that I really liked his personality. But I couldn't figure out his intentions, which sort of bothered me. Since this was our first time really talking, something crazy went through my mind and this has never happened before. "Is this my future husband?"

 

I know, I know. It weirded me out. It was a eerily, creepy feeling. And he talked about me like he was going to be around in the future: "If you need help with...I'm pretty handy."

 

And then he said good night, offered a hug, and kissed me on my cheek. Then before he really left, he did it again. I was shocked. Then he texted me telling me he had fun and that we should do it again.

 

It's funny. I've never been pursued for anything more than sex or friendship. It's early, but I think he is interested in my mind.

[LostInTheWild]

My feelings were wrong. All wrong and I hate feelings, or senses, I get.

 

I thought the realtor was interested in my mind but tonight he treated me like there was supposed to be some pressure there. Like I was supposed to fawn all over him. It's hard to explain.

 

Regardless, I definitely enjoyed myself. He offered a hug before he left and again, I was shocked. When pulling away, he kissed me firmly on the neck. This made me think he was pushing too hard. Like he wanted sex. I will never know that because I never asked.

 

Soon he left and day became night then became day. I am rushing through it to see what happens. Soon, there will be no youth left for me to bargain with. All men will be taken. I will be alone.

 

Today I walked my dog and met new people. I was especially excited to meet a man from the army. But our dogs played and we kept walking. Soon it was raining while I carried my dog in the rain.

 

I'm starting to figure out quickly, there is nothing like being away from home. Permanently. There is nothing like being alone.

 

A week into my new world, even with doing so much and meeting new people, I know my lifestyle will be different. No doubt. But while walking in the rain, with a wedding taking place, I knew.

 

I keep reminding myself. But I know. Deep down and through the veins in my hands: my life will be awesome here. But it will be me against the world. Alone. I pray my dog lives another 15 years.

[LostInTheWild]

I'm not really sure why I continue to write here. It must be cathartic or I must have a need to tell the world what's going on in my life. I'm not really sure if this is coping anymore...actually, I'm sure it hasn't been. I've just begun living my life again.

 

But now I have another reason to cope. And I really had this coming but couldn't see it. I thought I had control. And in an instant...I lost every bit of control I should have had.

 

Having this happen has definitely changed everything. I'm hoping my horrible memory will glaze over my mind and allow me to forget. I hope I forget, just like I forget to feel, just like I forget the keys in the door, just like I forget to turn the ceiling fan off. I hope I forget it.

 

I will preface the following by saying, if you've read my thread, you know I had it coming. There is no one to blame but myself. I'm an educated, liberated, free-spirited woman. I want to believe in good things. I want to believe that nothing bad will ever happen. Usually, I'm pretty lucky.

 

Saturday night, the door flung open and in walked the realtor with a bottle of whiskey. I had a couple of shots and wanted to go out for a night on the town. I was beginning to understand what he wanted early on, so I wanted to keep this out of my house. I went out dancing. I remember not wanting him near me and I pushed away every time he got too close. I had fun, but I didn't feel more attracted to him. I did not see him as a sexual partner.

 

And that's the last thing I remember.

 

Typically, it takes a lot of alcohol to get me to that point of no return. I've been there many times in my life and I'm honest about it. I haven't lied here. And never have I ever regretted my choices to the point of being haunted by it. I have done stupid, forehead-slapping things, but this takes the cake for the year. My skin never crawled. It does now.

 

It's early in the morning on Sunday when I came to. I kept trying t figure out what happened because I thought I had gone out the night prior. I was facing the doorway and thought, "Oh well, I'll go back to sleep." Then I rolled over and my heart..

 

Just...

 

Dropped...

 

And raced...

 

"Why the **** is he in my bed????????????"

 

I jumped up and ran to the bathroom. Certainly, I didn't feel like anything had happened. I tried to confirm it in my mind. I was so tired, but alert. I went back into the room, still in shock, realizing I was naked. I put on a robe and just laid on the bed as far away from him as possible. My dog snuggled up next to me.

 

Shortly thereafter, he woke up and put his clothes on. I could hear him so I asked him if we had sex...He said, "Maybe," like he was proud or something. Like he had won something. I asked him what happened and he said we had "tried" but that it didn't last long. Then he hopped up, grabbed his backpack, kissed my cheek hard, and said, "Hit me up."

 

I think that was the worst part, but I was getting ready to punch him anyhow. I checked the trash for the condoms...there were two in there. That doesn't match his story.

 

My shirt was on the floor with bra inside of it. I forgot to check to see if it was unclasped, but still, I never take my clothes off like that no matter what state I'm in. That's something I just know about myself. Everything comes off separately.

 

At first I thought it was kind of horrifically funny...like it wasn't something I expected, but it did happen, so I can't change it. But deep down, I know there is something wrong with this. I have this horrible feeling that something worse than I can imagine happened to me. The good news is I can't remember it. The bad news is, my mind still wants to believe it was bad and my whole body aches with a feeling of disgust.

 

I was taken advantage of. I think there is something really disgusting about a man who knew he wouldn't get laid by me to hang around until I was too drunk to control myself, or wait until I passed out, or something else. I know I wasn't interested in him for anything more than a friend. The more we talked, the more I was attracted to him in a friendly way.

 

Now, I don't care who thinks they should judge me in this thread. This is my thread. It is my life. And I'm living it. Let the first stone be cast...

 

Exit: The Realtor.

 

If he contacts me again, I will invite him to stand out front of my house and tell him what I really ****ing think. Then I'll tell him to take his sorry, broke ass home.

 

It's also funny, that the person I find the most comfort in being around, wanting him near me, is The European. When I'm with him, I realize it's the only time I feel safe now. And I feel safe with my parents.

 

But I don't really have anyone else to turn to for comfort. I'm afraid this will really reshape what I think of men. The only thing they ever want from me is sex. Seriously. This proves it and I'm done with it. All of it.

 

I won't trust anyone (male) ever again.

[LostInTheWild]

With amazing grace, all tasks at work were completed so quickly it felt like management was watching. It felt like I'd get promoted again. Busy, busy, busy. All tasks done and there was room for more.

 

Slowly, the story I told about the realtor drifted away and all that was left was my drive to work and be the best I could be. No promotion yet, but I'm planning on asking for more. It would be fitting to have something good come of this.

 

Only in my dream world.

 

I went to therapy today. We talked about what happened for an hour. Her idea was to get me to accept that it happened and that there is nothing I can do. I didn't want to discuss it again. I didn't want to have to tell her how this really made me feel.

 

With amazing courage, I found my voice today. I discovered what really bothered me. I lost my pride and my choice. I lost my ability to let something grow. I lost my choice to be in love. I lost my safety; warmth.

 

And then, after all these months, she made me mad. I can't stay mad at her because of course she is good at her job. But it made me mad that she thought I am still unhappy with my life. She told me I need hobbies. Something that I love to do. I have things I love to do, I explained, but it takes money I don't have to leave the house to follow my passions. It's easier with two people. Two incomes. And I am not looking for someone to fill a void. I'm identifying with what it is I want for myself that I can't do alone. I can't get married. I can't have children. I can't fall in love. Not all alone. And time is passing quickly. Where will this all fit in? When I'm too old to do it? I know what I want. And I'm upset because I can't get it. I don't have someone to say to, "Hey, did you see that?" And make two memories. Someone to back my stories up. Someone to be there for me when I need it. I have no one to fight for me when I can't. No one to tell me I'm wrong. No one to protect me from men like this.

 

And how will I find him? They ALL only want me for sex. That's all they want. I hate this. I hate it all. Being single is great in some ways, but my experiences will only be shared with people who are too busy having what I want to listen. Or people who could care less.

 

I don't know if I was heard today. I think she did, but I don't know if the universe heard me. I almost cried. I hate crying in front of people. I hate crying for myself.

 

With amazing grace, I regained my composure after my long-winded speech. She smiled and told me to be happy with myself. The teenager in me wanted to roll my eyes, but I listened. I'll see if there's something else out there.

Edited September 9, 2014 by LostInTheWild

[LostInTheWild]

I lay in bed this evening after binge eating. I catch a glimpse of the river. It twinkles under the sunset and the enormous bridges grow longer in the distance. And I longed for him again. I miss him terribly again. Then I thought of a poem that made me cry. Peace washed over me.

 

I carry your heart with me.

I carry it in my heart.

I am never without it.

Anywhere I go, you go, my dear.

And whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling.

 

I fear no fate.

For you are my fate, my sweet.

I want no world.

For beautiful you are my world, my true.

And it's you are whatever a moon has always meant.

And whatever a sun will always sing is you.

 

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows.

Here is the root of the root, the bud of the bud, and the sky of the sky of a tree called life which grows higher than soul can hope or the mind can hide.

And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart.

 

I carry your heart with me.

 

I carry it in my heart.

 

E. E. Cummings

[LostInTheWild]

So I finally found the time to report the incident that happened a couple of weeks ago. I can't go to the police but I can go to his boss. So I did. I did it this way not to get him fired, but for more information should his boss receive an email like mine. I told his boss what happened and they can do with it what they wish.

 

I asked for my information to be kept confidential, but still I find myself checking windows and watching my back. I haven't heard from him. This is a good thing. But it tells me he knows something I don't know and never will know. This is a character flaw — what he did, how he acted. I can't rule out the possibility of him finding out I reported this. And if he loses his job, I can potentially face danger. He may come after me and it's frightening. But I did the right thing regardless.

 

I write very effectively when attempting to get my point across. The email I sent the boss sent chills down my spine. I just hope it never happens again to anyone else.

 

So, with that, here's an update: I am about 10 dishes from being done unpacking. Everything is clean. I still enjoy the river. And I keep meeting more and more people. My life seems more exciting and more meaningful to me. I have a new story to share every week.

 

I live close to my high school buddy I slept with last year. We have been hanging out a lot recently. The problem is I can tell he wants more than my friendship. It does feel nice to be able to be myself around him, but I don't confuse those feelings with romance. He is like my brother now.

 

The European is coming to visit again. For the first time in a long time, I find myself feeling excited again. I hate that I allow it, and I'm not kidding myself, but I am crazy about him. I am just handling this while keeping the knowledge in my mind it will never be more. I get to watch this unfold and learn more about him each time. That's what is exciting.

[LostInTheWild]

All he has to do is hug me and kiss me when he sees me. After that, I check out and I'm all his.

 

All he has to do is look at me with his lofty eyes when he talks about wanting a different job and how he's really putting in hefty efforts to advance his career, then I wonder why he looked at me like that. We laughed about him getting a DUI and I told him about my friend who is in jail for it. Then I told him about the crazies I've met since moving there. He told me he is going skydiving this weekend and we talked about rock climbing.

 

He makes me want to sing, so I sang him a song after dinner. At least someone thinks I can sing.

 

I pulled him in close to me as we walked home because he was warm. I felt tiny compared to him. I felt the safest I ever have since I've moved. I felt he would protect me and finally got to walk through the park at night, like so many women with their significant others do.

 

When we got back, I was agitated that he was moving too slowly as the time was wearing on quickly. I wanted him to touch me and hold me. I needed him to. "I've been thinking about you all day," I whispered into his ear. And then he said the magic words, "Let's go to the bedroom." I am starting to understand him better and find amusement in saying things like this because his face is priceless...he doesn't expect it from me.

 

I led him to my bedroom and asked him to unzip my dress. He pushed me against the wall and kissed me. To me, this may have been the best time since the first time to date. I was out of control. I wanted him and needed him then.

 

When it was over, I laid in his arms and watched the clock with paranoia. I remember I once had him over at my other place and said, as we parted ways, "These moments pass too quickly." And they do.

 

I really listened to what he said this time. Luckily for me, I got to ask the question that's been boring a hole in my mind for months, "Why do you drive over an hour for a piece of ass?" And I got the answer I was expecting, but surprisingly it didn't sting: "Because I have a lot of fun. Driving doesn't bother me. I drive long distances all the time."

[LostInTheWild]

Then we got back into action. This time, he asked to film a part of it. "You look so beautiful right now. I want to record this." Just like he lets me do whatever I want when I'm with him, I let him do the same. So I let him. And my face isn't in it. I told him to show no one. "It's just for me." I watched it afterwards and I saw myself the way he sees me. I was trembling at one point and he held me until I stopped.

 

We set like ten alarms so we'd get our asses out of bed for work. Then he laid on his stomach and I rubbed his back and head. Once he was asleep, I fell asleep too.

 

The plan worked. We woke up with all the alarms going off. I hadn't slept well because he pushed the blankets all on me, so I was roasting. I'd reach over to touch him, and he was like a block of ice.

 

I rubbed him again. I know he likes it. I like doing it. And before we knew it, we were facing a dilemma—shower, sex, or coffee? A nice situation to be in. Luckily I was to go into work later than usual. It gave me more time. With him.

 

He trailed his hands slowly up my side...

 

Out of bed, he was a chatterbox. I gave him his toothbrush and we brushed our teeth. I pulled out my homeless fashion wear (a hole-y sweater and leggings), left my hair unkempt (serious bed head — it was bad), with a hoodie riddled with holes (I need to go shopping), makeup was still smeared all over my face.

 

"Don't look at me I look homeless!"

 

Downstairs we decided to drive separately to a little cafe that serves great coffee. He only had about 20 minutes left but I was ecstatic he allowed me to buy him coffee. In the store, we ordered, I cracked some jokes, a chick tripped and I tried not to laugh. Then her boyfriend laughed at her and we all started laughing. He said, "That's why we need coffee in the morning!"

 

Coffee was ready. Our journey through another night in this cold world, where we could make it as warm as we wanted, where dreams know no bounds, where passion and excitement come to life...was almost over. We walked outside, lingering a little longer. "Thank you for the coffee. It's really good," he said, taking another sip out of the jar. "Good luck drinking it while you drive," I laughed. The jars do not fit in cup holders. "And thank you for everything. I had a really good time," I said meaningfully. "Do I have something in my eye?" He asked, explaining it felt sticky. I brushed his eyelashes out of the way. "Nope."

 

"Well, I will see you soon," he said. For some reason I believed it this time. I looked up at him in all of my homeless, bummy glory. Then he kissed me. And I hugged him. He kissed me again as he pulled away and told me again he'd see me soon.

 

I walked back to my car. I wanted to stop him. I wanted the world to stop spinning. I wanted time to stop.

 

Instead, I got in my car. I drove home and parked on the empty street to run inside and change. I came back out. Wednesdays, they apparently clean the streets. And lucky me, I got a ticket.

 

I threw it on the seat. I'm not even mad. It was well worth the fun.

 

 

 

So, a few things happened that shocked me during the night. I'm not implying they mean anything more than comfort, if that, but this situation seems to be evolving in a way I can't explain and in a way I can't understand. This man is an enigma to me. He is apparently not meant to be understood.

 

He never, not one time, has ever called me by my name. In fact, he's just direct when he talks to me so he never has to. I learned in college to repetitively use people's names in sentences to emphasize points, hold attention, and build trust. So I do. I do it even more with him because I like him and I like saying his unusual name. He slipped my name in the middle of a sentence. I caught it because I haven't heard him say it without my prompting. It's funny because my nickname is one syllable and that's what everyone calls me. My full name is three. He says the whole thing. I liked hearing it in his heavy accent.

 

Even after all these months (five now, and I am a big girl with strong independence issues), when I'm with him I never pay. I can't open a door. And god forbid a car comes over the curb when we are walking, because he makes sure he'd get hit first (he makes me walk on the "inside").

 

Our communication, in person and over text (albeit, not that frequent), is improved. I guess I want to say he shares more. He's letting his guard down. I am too. And he seems to care more, strangely.

 

Something else he never did was compliment me and choose preferences, like how he likes my hair. Or how beautiful I am. It was really strange. But I'm not complaining.

 

I told my friend about this and stupidly, full of hope, searching for the right answers always, I asked her, "Still doesn't seem like it's going anywhere does it?"

 

"Nope," she said. And I changed the subject. I still love that man. He will make someone very lucky and happy when he's ready. The only thing I can do is be okay when it happens.

[LostInTheWild]

I had dinner last night with my high school friend. It was tough to get him to meet me out at the restaurant due to his servicing one of the four women he's currently juggling.

 

When we got there, I told him about my rendezvous and how I got a parking ticket. Lately when I talk about men with him, he just kind of listens quietly. He doesn't ever have much to say. I find myself rambling and then I get negative about relationships. I'm wincing just thinking about how annoying it must be to endure my complaining.

 

When he could get a word in, he finally interrupted and said, "Sounds like he likes you." And I sat there in shock. He's not one to ever give me any kind of affirmation unless I pry it out of him. I never get advice either. He doesn't like to provide me with false hope. I stared down at my plate while he filled me in on the secrets of men.

 

So we finished up and we hung around outside while I continued my complaining. "Blah, blah, blah." Then he said something I haven't thought about in a long time. A thought that never plagues me and hasn't until that moment.

 

"I feel like I have nothing to look forward to."

 

My heart sank. As two singles, we are in the same boat. Today just isn't the same. It's true. There isn't much to look forward to.

[LostInTheWild]

This morning, I thought about my last post. I know why my friend's words echo through my mind and challenge my thought process.

 

Growing up, you're not alone. You're with other kids. You're experiencing the same things they are. Best of all, minus the teasing, you are surrounded by people just like you.

 

One day, you get your piece of paper that you earned (?). And you walk away from it all and move on. You hold some at a distance, some close, and some closer. Until one day life carries you away from everything. You move on.

 

In the bright morning sunrise, there is only one fear for me now. Which one of us is going to take that leap that will change our lives first? We are the last in our group. From when we were children, still figuring out our insecurities up until now, still insecure. And filled with doubts and regrets.

 

Which one of us will be the last? I'm afraid it will be me, if I'm being honest. I'm afraid I'm doomed.

 

So, I told him how I felt. "Some people are meant to be alone their whole lives. The sooner people accept that, the easier the rest will be."

 

I can't believe I'm still dwelling on that. After a year, this is where I've landed. Career, home, and singledom.

[LostInTheWild]

"Want to go to lunch?" I emailed my friend today. In the car I waited as she peered out from the busy parking lot.

 

We drove to a restaurant where we began talking about not-so love interest-more-like-a-bud that has a relationship but doesn't want to end it for her. She's been doing this with him for about 4-5 months now and I'm amazed at how our stories parallel, but not quite.

 

"I'm going to an NBA game in December. I don't care if I have to go alone. And you know? I'm going to test him one last time to see if he blows me off again. I've already missed two concerts he promised we'd go to," she told me, sounding fed up.

 

Well, people, in situations like these—you laugh or you cry. To make ourselves feel better, we turn into the most brutal comediennes. We drenched everything, including our lunches, in sarcasm.

 

So to her statement, I ask the obvious: "He still can't get it up, right?"

 

"Nope," then she chuckles, sensing it's time to bust some balls. "I can get the guy I used to see to go with me."

 

"Yeah, what's the point then? Not only are you not getting sex, but you aren't getting a title to excuse it," I explained in a serious tone of voice.

 

It was on. I remember the guy she mentioned.

 

"You should definitely take that guy and make sure he knows about your history with him. If he's been jealous before, he will be jealous over that guy, and by that point you'll be done with him anyhow."

 

She agreed. Then it hit us: why she didn't like him in the first place.

 

"But then I'll have to deal with his issues..."

 

His issues:

 

1. He talks too much about things nobody cares about.

 

2. He loves shoes. I joked that he'd be at the game, mid-play, "Wow! Look at those shoes. Let's go shoe shopping after this!!!"

 

3. He is diabetic and complains about it all the time. "He will pull out his kit while you're watching the game, measure his sugar and give himself a shot."

 

4. He complains about his back. "This chair is too hard. Can we move? Ahhhh...owwie."

 

5. He talks about his weight loss regimen until you go deaf. "Hey, hold on. A beer? Nah, I can't drink." (Pulls out protein shake and shakes it)

 

But ohhh, it will make her fella jealous. And then I told her to have fun with it and do the fade out after he finds out she went to the game with a previous lover. Funny stuff…

 

Then the conversation bent towards me and the European. I finally bent the conversation the other way and will do so with all my friends. "I don't want to talk about him anymore. I think I will begin the process of letting him go now."

 

I think I'm ready to do that. Very soon.

[LostInTheWild]

I am really depressed. I feel like a leaf just withering away, slowly dying, watching the distant stare take over in the mirror. I'm not really here anymore.

 

I've kind of given up on just about everything appearance-related. I don't even really feel pretty anymore. I feel like an old, washed-up party girl. I asked my high school friend about it and he told me I dress like a bum! So there's my answer.

 

Could it be a bad day? A bad week? I don't know. I've been pretty career-oriented this week, hoping to drown my sorrows in not being able to think about much else.

 

I have things to do, places to see, friends to have fun with...it's just not enough for me anymore. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of the ocean with a backpack full of food I don't really like. Water I don't really want to drink. Really, just floating through time. It would be beautiful though, to be so close to something so dangerous. But my point is, my life isn't nourishing. I have made changes and keep winding up disappointed each and every time.

 

It's painful getting out of bed in the morning on the days I think this way. I can barely bring myself to want to look presentable. On the days I don't wake up like this, the thought finds me later in the day and I hate knowing I have a house to go live in. I hate knowing it's not a home. I hate knowing I don't have the money to make it mine. I hate my job now. I hate that I don't make more money to live in a way that's more carefree. I hate taking my makeup off at the end of the day, just knowing I have to wash my face, and look at the aging that's swallowing me whole leaving me with no option but to become a bitter adult. I hate that I have to accept this because of all the things I have to accept in life, the things that are rammed down my throat every day that I can't escape, the things there are no solutions for. I hate feeling cornered, like there is no escape. I am a prisoner of my own mind.

 

Looking out over the river leaves me more hopeful, with the leaves withering and becoming more colorful. I can crunch them in my hands and look at all the beautiful little flakes fluttering away with the wind. It reminds me I can repaint my life the way I want it to be, but I can't figure out how to.

 

I'm especially not happy with my high school friend. With all these romances he has going on with different women, it is getting irritating to hear, "Maybe," when I ask him to hang out. Only to later find out he can't because he was hoping to get laid. So, he has been telling me all week he MIGHT be able to do something tonight (I wanted to do a bar crawl/karaoke night), but today he told me he couldn't...He wanted to get laid.

 

The texts:

 

Me: Ok

 

Him: Hey...

 

Me: What?

 

Him: (whisper in your ear) I love you.

 

Me: Yeah, have a good time.

 

I have to admit I scratched my head at first. I was curious. But then I realized that...hey, that's probably the last time you'll hear that from a guy. And in that moment, I gave up all hope. I won't find anyone. Who would want me now? I will just become a shell, not talk to him anymore, and hide in my garden.

Edited October 3, 2014 by LostInTheWild

[LostInTheWild]

I had decided when my high school friend cancelled on me I would not go out on the town. I decided I would stay in the house and be determined to watch one of my old films and/or run.

 

A nagging voice (seems like a trend) ate away at me while I was on my drive home. What if I just went out alone? I've done it before, surely I will have a good time again.

 

I read about what to wear, what to do, what people thought of a single woman carousing around town alone hopping from bar to bar. I sat on my porch and contemplated the idea. Sold! I hopped in the shower, I put on my best, I did my makeup, my hair, three sprays of perfume, grabbed the keys, my purse, and headed for the door to the unknown. It felt liberating. I am an adult. I can do whatever it is I choose to do.

 

I pulled up to the bar, put on my high heels, and strutted into a pretty classy establishment where professional locales come for happy hour. I had been here three times before, but never on my own. I sat at the bar and my night began to unravel.

 

First, I ordered a drink and waited on some bar food as I squirmed in my stool, feeling uncomfortable with the idea of what I was actually doing. It grew louder in the bar each passing minute as the nightlife began to peak.

 

I noticed a couple of guys lingering around the bar, but I just sat with my head looking into the plate, occasionally glancing up at football or baseball. It was extremely awkward when a man who was about 20-25 years older than me struck up a conversation with me. Why? Because I couldn't help but feel like he was hitting on me. The part that really bothered me about him was he told me he was a salesman. I don't like salesmen. They can try to get me to buy things but selling themselves to a person like me gets them shut down immediately. Especially when they talk about being laid off and not making enough money. We had nothing in common. It was apparent after the first sentence.

 

I finished my food and finished my drink. I was getting ready to leave, but decided to have a beer, and then I would go. It seemed like nothing would come of this night, so I was trying to decide on another bar I could go to.

 

I received my beer and then things would change. A couple of guys meandered over to where I was seated. They commented on my choice in food -- cheese fries. I was shocked they were watching me. Then one of them told me they thought they should come over to rescue me from the older man's advances. He leaned over the bar to block the older man's vision of me and cracked a few jokes about it.

 

I was very impressed that my night out on the town brought me into a group full of actual professionals. Intellectually stimulating conversations took place...and for a moment, the way we all got along, it felt like I was back in Baltimore. I made this happen all for myself.

 

It wasn't long before I looked up at the 6'5 cutie and asked him if he'd like to hit up some clubs with me. I explained that I really liked to dance. As it turns out, he loved dancing even more than I do and he took ballroom dance lessons when he was younger.

 

We left soon after and began the night of debauchery. We walked into an Irish pub that was playing loud music. The dance floor was empty when we began. He did like to dance. And he wasn't goofy at all, however, he overpowered me and took the lead. I hated that because it threw me off and I couldn't dance. I like to have my one-man show! I always do it, but I couldn't with him practically knocking me all around the dance floor. At one point, he picked me up and flipped me. 360 degree flip in the air and when I landed I only had just realized what had happened. I am 5'2, relatively small...but that was hilarious. I can only imagine what my face looked like.

 

He was a big guy...and I had no problem walking around, goofing off with this complete stranger who made me feel safe. I liked that he could talk about anything. I liked that he was attentive, and I liked that he sang just as badly as I did. We walked by a sign for a bar that offered up karaoke...my goal for the weekend...and I did it. I was horrible...but the whole bar was singing with me. It was so much fun.

 

Then, after more dancing and the bars closing up shop, we decided to eat. I was, after all, going to be driving, so to counteract the alcohol, I decided it was time to eat. He paid for it all.

 

We got back to my car and I reached into my purse for my keys...nothing. Phone? Gone. I thought someone had stolen everything. There I was on a dimly lit street corner emptying out my purse on the street about to ball like a little baby. It was all in there. I think he almost laughed at me. Time for a smaller purse.

 

I took him to pick up his car. We agreed I would follow him to his house. Once there, I secured a t-shirt from him and crawled into his bed as if I'd known him for years. I was going to refuse sex because that was not my intent for the night. I was not interested in anything of the sort, so when it did finally happen, I was relieved. He was a good lover and he was probably the most affectionate one I've had all year. He was caring and sensitive to my needs. And he held me.

 

I fell asleep. In the morning, it happened again and I fell back to sleep. When I woke up, he said something about driving to another town that morning. I picked up my phone, checked my email, then began dressing myself. I thought, "You don't have to tell me twice. I can take a hint...See ya buddy..." I offered a quick hug, thanked him, took down his address once in my car (should I have any health issues), because I did not get his phone number. And I zoomed off to my own place.

 

Once I got home, I realized how out of control my life has become. I looked in the mirror. I'm glad my friends never see me this way. I'm glad they can't see me now. I'm glad I will never have to explain or defend myself for the fun I had. I hopped in the shower. Although I don't regret anything, I hate my life and myself more than I ever have. I hate this because it is not how I wanted nor expected my life to turn out. But it has. And every day it gets harder to deal with it, whether I stay home or go out. It had nothing to do with this particular night. It has everything to do with how I perceive my life. And I can barely stand talking about it anymore.

 

My high school friend texted me asking if I'd like to get coffee. It seems his date went well. I slurped mine down quickly and told him about my night. He did not seem pleased, but made light of the situation. Then we went to the mall.

 

Today I ate and I ate. I have been binge eating lately. I'm not even all that hungry, but I just hate being attractive. I'd rather not be anymore. It is a lonely life when people only want you for your looks. I hate that too.

 

All I can say now is my life is completely out of control. And I have no idea how to begin to change it.

[BC1980]

I've been following your thread, but I never know if I should comment. I feel for you. I really do. I can only give advice on what I see from the outside. Your self esteem is obviously very low, and you have an addictive personality to say the least. You probably knew that right? I'm not judging you at all. You remind me of myself at one point in my life actually, so I identify deeply with your posts.

 

It's pretty clear to me that you are likely clinically depressed at this point. I obviously can't diagnose you, but it would seem that way. I know you go to therapy, but is it helping you? What actions are you taking to turn your life around? It seems like your breakup has spiraled your life out of control, and it's clear that you seek validation from men. That fact is very, very obvious to me.

 

I feel the frustration in your posts. I really do get where you are coming from. I think you need to start by taking a dating hiatus for awhile. Like a year or something. You need to detox from men and figure out who you are. I'd start there.

[HereAndThenGone]

I've read through all of your posts here. I can relate to you in so many ways.

I don't know what it is, why we always get burned in the end.

I definitely don't go looking for it to happen but guys always seem to fall in the same category of taking advantage of me or using me for sex and then the ones who seem like nice guys are never the one's I'm dating (even though some start off "appearing" to be nice).

 

I don't know if it's so much that the nice guys get friend zoned or the fact that we pull away from them because we are not interested so that in turn makes them nice guys to us. Reverse the situation and start falling for one of your nice guy friends, and would they change into yet another guy just taking advantage of us?

 

I don't know why I'm even posting. I wanted to let you know I identify with you and you're not alone. Not at all.

[LostInTheWild]

BC,

 

You are right. I am extremely depressed and my confidence and self-esteem have taken a pretty big hit.

 

I don't think I seek validation from men. It seems that way because I predominantly write about relationships...well, that's what we're all here for, right? And there is some spacing in between my posts, although when you read it you'd think it was all in one shot. I was concerned because I know I've been posting a lot more recently, so it feels like my life is completely out of my control now. I don't really write about other things, like eating with friends, hanging out with friends, walking my dog, working in the yard, enjoying a beer at home. Who wants to read that crap? Don't get me wrong, I do include a tidbit in here or there, but the point is it's not all flowers, rainbows and unicorns. That's the stuff I prefer to write about. And it makes me look really bad on here, like I can barely hold down a job, I'm a drunk, and highly promiscuous (okay, maybe). I would say I'd give dating a break, but I'm not dating. That's why I'm mad. There is nothing but penises everywhere. No souls!

 

But I do try to find light in life. I really do. And yes I'm in therapy but I haven't seen her in three weeks. I do hate my life. I really do. But aren't we all down and out at some point? Can I hope it gets better? Yeah, I do, but I guess being depressed doesn't help. It's like being trapped in a closet I guess. =\

 

I appreciate comments all the time, but nobody usually says anything, so I just keep writing.

 

Here,

 

Douche bags are all around us. I've met quite a few. Hopefully next year will be different for us, huh? Well, there's hope I suppose.

 

I don't really find my nice guy friends to be attractive as a mate, LOL, that's why they're my nice guy friends.

 

And I'm glad I can help someone feel as though they have something to relate to. I appreciate you saying that. I needed to hear that just once. I don't want to hear how I'm so messed up all the time (not that people really tell me that - I'm just convinced I am).

 

If you ever need to talk stop by my thread or shoot me a PM.