Lost In The Wild

August 12, 2015

I rushed home today after being stuck in a traffic jam. It wasn't even rush hour. I had stayed late and tried to get important parts of my job done, but they still hate me. I don't know how to change it. I've tried to do everything right. I've tried to do everything wrong. There's no middle ground.

So when I got home, I sat in my car for a while, dreading going inside to an empty home. It's so empty. There are nothing but reminders of the mistakes I've made. Financially, emotionally, everything. And when it's late like this, it feels like a gaping, black hole just waiting to swallow me whole like the black water that fills the gully out front.

I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to clean my house. I don't want to garden. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to pay my bills. I don't want to save for the lonely retirement ahead. I don't want to pay for my funeral expenses. I just want to vanish. I want to disappear and be so well-hidden that I can't even find myself.

I turn the key in the lock to open the door to my house, but as I turn it, I hear some soft humming coming from inside. Uncertain of what awaits I pause and think quickly...Who could this be? A man...but who? It takes me a bit.

I turn the knob and open the door. Might as well figure this out. "Hey love! Love? I see you are late. I thought you'd be hungry so I cooked," a man calls out from upstairs. I take my purse from around my neck and set it down with my left hand...and catch a glimpse of a sparkle. At first, I'm confused. I never wear rings. But there it was on my left hand. On my ring finger. My engagement ring.

"Oh my god, I almost forgot you had moved in this past weekend!!!" I cry up to him, kicking off my shoes and running upstairs to jump into his arms. "I've missed you. And I didn't even know I did!!!" I exclaim and burst into laughter, stealing kisses from him in between my giddiness and chuckles.

"Well, how was your day then?" He asks, kissing me back. "Let's not go there. I'm more interested in what you've cooked for me!" I squeal and leap off his lap. These days have been rough lately. So he knows how welcome random acts of kindness are. He follows me into the kitchen and shows me what he's made. Some baked chicken, and a couple of side dishes...one with zucchini and squash, the other quinoa and salsa. Perfect. I taste each and let him know how much I appreciate it. I kiss him quickly on the cheek and begin preparing a plate for myself. I feel his large hands cup my waist and he presses his lips to my ear, "Anything for my wife..." He says. And I feel loved. I turn my head to reach for a sweet kiss. He releases me, knowing all too well nobody stands in the way of my food. I eat ravenously, then get up to clean the dishes.

This is something I've never had before. I can still taste the bitter days of being single. Going home after having crappy day after crappy day and feeling so trapped. I'd hate doing laundry so I wouldn't do it. My messes piled up and I'd only care when they interfered with my routine of drinking, smoking, sleeping, working, getting yelled at or having to deal with some sort of catastrophe, going home...and starting all over. Weekends were worse. Sometimes I wouldn't get out of bed at all.

Yet here I stand, coming through so many trials and tribulations. Happier than ever. With the man of my dreams. Who was I? I have to ask. The day I decided to go to the market for some food items, that fateful day I walked so far like I had in the past and never expected anything to come from it. The day we both reached for the same pear...that day is so vivid now. I almost shut him down. I was tired of men by that point. Yet there he was, smiling. "You can have that one. It'll probably be the best since we both tried to get it," he said enthusiastically. "No it's all right. I don't care for pears much anyhow," I said in a flat tone and strolled away. But then a few moments later he came up to me holding the pear, "You know, maybe you've never had one prepared the way you like it. Allow me?" He asked, setting fire to my cheeks. That was when I looked up at him. Game over. "Uh, well what did you have in mind?" Date on. A pear. A freaking pear.

I open the refrigerator and look inside. Two pears sit. I grab one and bite into it to remember that day more...

The first part is true. The crappy part anyway. I'm not sure how much longer I can do this.

Edited August 12, 2015 by LostInTheWild

August 13, 2015

I'm sorry you're sad. You're not alone.

{hugs}

August 13, 2015

I'm sorry you're sad. You're not alone.

{hugs}

Maybe that's all I need to hear sometimes. Thank you so much.

August 14, 2015

I'll be posting more frequently now, or maybe I'll take my written word and try to publish it, but that will likely bear no fruit. The thought did cross my mind as I gracefully sat down in my car this afternoon. I mean, after two years of working on reporting my daily/weekly/monthly life, what can it hurt if I'm afforded the time to work on making this a book?

I woke up this morning to my alarm and the thought of the possibility of going out on the town after work. I needed a release. Then I crammed myself and my things into my car to start another day.

I zoned out during the drive, alcohol making my brain fuzzy, and arrived more quickly than I wanted to, to the hell hole that my life was centered around - work. I've had zero support from my manager. Zero. And unfortunately I've waffled on reporting her ass for discrimination and harassment even though I pretty much saw it coming from a mile away.

I sat down at my desk after lunch after handling a few chores that were required of me, and then my manager came in and asked, "Will you come to the conference room, please?" And I knew immediately what frame of mind I had to envelop myself in - classiness.

"Well, I hate to tell you this, but we are terminating you," the general manager almost whispered. She did appear to be visibly upset, but then she continued almost cheerily, "We will pay you for your accrued vacation and any other benefits..." she trailed off and looked down. "What is the reason?" I asked her immediately and my other manager looked on..."This is an at-will state and we don't need to give you a reason, although I'm sure you know why," the general manager looked up from her paperwork and said sternly. "Okay," I said, not giving anyone the satisfaction.

My manager escorted me to my desk, and I said to her, "Well, I guess you got what you wanted..." And she stood there, stone-cold. Then I said, "I want you to know that I am filing a complaint against you for discrimination and harassment with the state." And she still stood there stone-cold and escorted me out of the building, although I was ahead of her. I didn't beat her to the punch, but hopefully I'll win.

In either case, I can't imagine what I'll do now. I've officially lost everything - my job, my livelihood, my reason for breathing. And I have no relationships to fall back on.

Welcome to the new thread. The thread of survival, the thread of imagination, the new thread of 'what to do when you're single and unemployed.'

Welcome. Please enter here...

August 15, 2015

I drove home in a fog. I don't remember getting home, but I arrived unscathed.

I immediately filed for unemployment. If they fight it, I will sue for that, too. I'm ready to sue.

I bought my last pizza and last six pack for a long time. There will be no recourse for the lost pay. I even regret buying a shirt last week thinking it would boost my confidence. Nope.

I walked in my house, sobbing, wondering what I'll do now that I will lose about $900.00 a month in pay. I crawled upstairs and into bed. I passed out from total exhaustion. Just when I started dreaming that things would get better, I felt a hand wrap around my back and legs underneath my body.

It jarred me awake. The first thing I saw were a pair of green eyes, staring deeply into mine. "Hello gorgeous..." He whispered and kissed me. I stopped moving, mostly out of fright: who is this guy? Why is he kissing me? I flailed a little in his arms and caught a glimpse of that ring again. My engagement ring. Huh? Am I really doing this?

I look up at him in recognition. Oh yeah, the guy with the pear. I can't believe this is happening. "I got fired today," I mumble, "and now...I don't know what to do." His intense gaze softens and he accepts it, "Well you'll find another job. If not, I'll be eating well for a long time." And he smiles a sickeningly sweet smile I've grown to love. He's feeling wicked tonight. Really wicked.

He kisses me deeply, and I drift away again...exhaustion pouring over me like it did in The European's car. I haven't felt this tired in over a year.

I woke up not long after. I was in bed. I glanced up at the window and saw daylight breaking through. I listened closely to the sounds around me and in the house. I was alone.

I am alone. And I think I have a serious physical health problem that I now can do nothing about. Yay. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to keep going. I've got nothing left. I had a house. That'll be gone soon. I had a steady job. That's long gone (previous to the new company). I wait to hear about feedback from my latest interview. And still... Nothing.

When will bad things really just stop happening? When will I be able to sit in a place and just meet men easily? When will I be granted a working relationship? When will I just have a job that pays well but is less stressful? When will I be able to walk down a dark street and not worry about getting raped? When can I just breathe a sigh of relief and enjoy the company of a new man without him trying to take advantage of me? When will I meet someone and everything will just click? There will be no guessing, no hurting, no wondering. When? When can I just stop asking these stupid questions and just be established and stable?

Ah, stability. I'm no longer stable. Physically, emotionally, or financially. I'm all used up and out of luck.

Tell me how to win this time. For every win I can show you ten losses. Nobody seems to get that. At least, nobody who has lived through it.

August 18, 2015

The most beautiful music for exacting revenge and causing legal problems. The classical era, long forgotten, but the people from that era knew what a slap in the face sounds like. This is it.

I haven't been holding up too well. Therapy is scheduled for tomorrow and my therapist is doing this...well, for free. I told her what happened and that I would send her a check for her final services, but nope, she wouldn't hear any of it. I guess this is the worst time to abandon someone. Her kindness made me cry, but she will never know that.

The state should have received my letter and I will have another going out today. Then I will file with OSHA (rightfully) tomorrow to report the issues this company has. And they had better hope I never become a rich woman because I will pew pew them until they close their doors for good. I hold very intense grudges.

There is a known rule of business. Yes, it is cutthroat, very much so and we all know that. But even more important is the rule that you must treat everyone with respect, because you never know when you'll be staring someone in the eye whom you've wronged, asking for a job. I pray my manager will be sitting in front of me one day begging for a job...I'm definitely in vengeance mode, if you haven't noticed yet, and this will be some Monte Cristo crap going on.

This happened to me one time, actually. My old supervisor from many, many years ago came strolling into my last job, in a suit, seeking a job. He pretended not to know me, but I knew him. I knew him enough to not recommend him to my manager, of Human Resources. Oops...But he did get an interview, yet he didn't get the job. What nobody knew was my opinion did have some weight because I was a favorite. I hope I have this moment again someday...with them...

I found out that a new girl started today. This means they were interviewing all last week for my job. In the same building, under my nose, planning and plotting, like I am now. I don't think they thought I was very smart. I wasn't "getting" it fast enough for them. Okay, well, I do understand how to complain. I will fight them. They've not seen anything like me before.

Which leaves me with, no, I'm not okay. I'm avoiding going through my finances. I'm avoiding spending. I even missed my friend's birthday celebration over this. I'm considering getting boxes out of the attic and packing now, because it's been months since I've been desperately looking for a job and haven't yet found one. I'm still waiting to hear back from the company I interviewed with, but they've left me hanging in the breeze for weeks now.

Attractiveness, men, the future...everything has fallen away and I don't even know what my goals are or what I should focus on. I'm confused and extremely...complacent about the whole thing...I don't know.

August 18, 2015

Introduction: When you find yourself in the poor house, the first thing that comes to mind is how to pay your bills. When the dust settles, you begin wondering how you'll eat when unemployment doesn't even cover half of your bills. "Peter" and "Paul" are going to be pissed because you're robbing them and when they come collecting all you can do is shrug and say, "Uh, you'll get the money later?" Screw that; don't focus on that part. Focus on feeding your soul, while applying for jobs to pay these *******s, and do it "poor" style.

Mom dropped off a care package. At first I rolled my eyes at the handouts, but soon discovered some tasty treats like ramen, pancake mix, eggs, cheese, milk, etc. Okay, we are working with something here.

I rolled out of bed, put on my slippers, and enjoyed a beer while mixing this together. Hopefully you can enjoy this too, wild-style (broke, unemployed, drunk, alone, and nearly homeless).

Poor Biscuits

Ingredients:

1 cup of pancake mix from mom

1/3 cup of water if you've paid the water bill

2-3 eggs from mom

1/2 avocado left over from when you had money...fancy

A few pinches of cheddar cheese, thanks again mom

A couple of teaspoons of butter, from mom, with love

A muffin pan

1 beer for consumption and we all know there's always money for that somehow

Instructions:

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

2. Mix water and batter together until you get a fluffy consistency. Set aside and heavily grease 2-3 holes in the muffin tin (I don't know wtf they're called) with butter.

3. Add a tablespoon of batter to the bottom of each tin. Be careful not to overfill. If you're drunk, it's okay, use one eye to measure.

4. Crack open an egg, and gently dispose of extra egg white so you don't overfill tin. Dump yolk and some remaining egg white into one tin. Repeat for each hole.

5. Slice open avocado. Be careful not to cut yourself. Using two hands is advised if you are finding yourself still slurping on your beer. Take one half of the avocado and spoon several chunks into each hole, covering the yolk.

6. Sprinkle some cheese on top, but don't be generous. It never gets you anywhere and it makes a mess.

7. Apply another tablespoon or so of batter on top of each hole, covering all contents.

8. Place into oven, assuming you still have gas or electricity to heat it, and bake until the top is golden brown, approximately 20-25 minutes. Be watchful, because if you pass out from drinking they'll burn.

Take them out and let them cool. Enjoy.

Edited August 18, 2015 by LostInTheWild

August 19, 2015

Lately I have been having a lot of nerve issues. It got so bad today I went to the hospital, thinking I was having a heart attack!

Ugh when will it end? My family dog died yesterday too. She's resting peacefully in my backyard now. I loved her so much and thought she'd always be there. But no, she died. And I really wish I'd seen her one last time.

Anyway I make everything an adventure if I can. And going to the hospital just for myself, by myself, was definitely not something I wanted to do, but ya know, I had to know what was going on.

Hooked up to beepy things and wires, contraptions and random paraphernalia, I laid in the bed in one of those butt gowns. Yikes. I don't ever want to get old. I want to drop dead. It wasn't fun. It wasn't fun thinking about the bill either. God bless America. Land of the free as long as you pay.

I'm willing to overlook it though. I mean, I met a guy there. Well, rather, I was inspected by one. He barged into my cozy room as I was lost in thought about how many people had died in there. He approached me nonchalantly asking what was wrong so I told him. He put a stethoscope to my chest and gave me commands. "Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out," as he moved the round piece around my back and chest. Seemed like I was being milled through. Another sick lady.

Then he got to my leg and began to touch it, asking me if I could feel it. "Uh yeah, I can feel it. Sorry, I didn't shave my legs today," I mumbled and laughed. This made him visibly uncomfortable but he retorted, "Well, at least you changed your underwear?" And I laughed again.

Later, he was out in the hall requesting I pee into a cup to determine pregnancy. I asked him for some water, and he shoved a cup in my direction, "I seriously only need three drops. Please try. We can't X-ray you if you don't." I replied, "All right. I'll try to give it my all." And he led me to the bathroom where I found it easy to pee into the cup. I walked out and placed the cup where he requested and said, "Looks like you got lucky." Ugh, my humor is...a little too raw. But I did want to get him to loosen up. Eh, didn't work.

I insisted on carrying my blanket with me everywhere, because I "didn't want to flash everyone."

Another older gentleman escorted me to my cat scan, where I encountered another nice guy. I joked around that it felt like I was going to wind up in Spain like I was in a time travel-like machine. This one liked me. A lot. I explained to him my reasoning for carrying the blanket and he said, "I'm sure nobody would mind." LOL.

I got back to my room and waited for the doctor. The dreaded words came, "Everything looks normal." Uh...I thought I was having a heart attack? He continued, "You'll need an MRI. You may have a herniated disc pinching a nerve. As far as we can tell, you look okay."

Hmph. I was given my walking papers and the hottie gave me instructions on how to get out. On the way, I bumped into the nice guy again, and he had a pretty damaged patient laid up in a wheelchair. He stopped for a while to look at me and told me to have a great night. All I could do was chuckle at him while the patient looked like he was on his death bed. "Good night and thank you."

I need to get a grip.

August 22, 2015

I've been hiding away this past week. I'm uncertain of myself and dodgy around strangers. I find myself being very avoidant, like I have social anxiety disorder. I'm not sure what has happened to me. I used to be confident and outgoing. Now, I'm barricaded in the house, blinds drawn, could die anytime and nobody would even know I existed. Is this the fallout of PTSD? Or am I depressed? Bad body image? Yes, let's go there. I weigh almost as much as I did in high school and I hated myself then. I'm really uncomfortable with my body now although if I don't have to interact with anyone then I won't care much. Hmph...

Anyway I forced my flabby behind into a pair of leggings and didn't bother to shower. I left the house. It is truly a gorgeous day I'm missing out on. I drove to the gas station for some cigarettes (if it weren't for smoking I'd never leave the house) and some noodles. I get what I need quickly and stealthily, like an animal foraging for some fruit and nuts. With everything paid for and tucked into a bag neatly, I began my escape route to the door, walking/running. On my way out I hear a greeting, "How are you?" And I mumble, "Good, you?" And the stranger replies, "Have a nice day, Miss New York." My mind was foggy. What did he mean? I slowed my pace upon exiting the store. Then I remembered: people think I'm from New York. I always get asked that and throughout the years, it's just a question I ignored.

I've been planning an escape. I'm planning on leaving this area for I don't believe I'll be finding another job here. Or my happiness. I can't reinvent myself here again. I know what to do now, if nothing should come up for me: move. I'm going to move again. I think I'll look for a new job in New York City and live on the outskirts. I'm not sure. But that is definitely a plan in the cards.

On my way home, I took a familiar side street thinking part of a road I'd normally take had been closed due to festivities. I came up to a red light and stared into space like I always do. It's the norm for me now. But something caught the corner of my eye. Something moving with purpose towards me on the sidewalk. I squinted out into the distance, realizing who it was, and thanking the heavens for my oversized sunglasses. I fumbled around for my phone to make myself look busy should he look up. The Ice Prince was out for a jog, but seemed to be walking agitatedly. I was on his street anyway, so what did I expect?

I continued looking down as he passed my car. I peered up from my phone to make sure he didn't see me. And he didn't.

I put my car in gear and knew I had to escape this place. Run.

August 24, 2015

"Dad, I was thinking if I can't find a job here, I'll move to Atlanta, GA. What do you think?" I asked, inquisitively, thinking he'd tell me I was wrong yet again and that I should stick around this area.

"You should stay here!" Mom yelled from her living room. "Uh... Why?" I asked and received no response. Then my dad says, "You have family in Georgia. Did you know that? Everyone that I know that has moved there, well, they've never come back." I knew what he was saying so I peppered, "They liked it, huh?" Then he admitted, "They love it."

I've never seen my dad do this before, but he whipped out his phone and started calling everyone. He was trying to locate one of my cousins (?) in Atlanta. Several phone calls and some chicken and squash later, I was on the phone with her, asking her about the seven-lane highways, crime rates, how she found a job before she moved, and whether I could stay with her should I score any interviews. "Be sure to call me up. I work 100 hours a week. Of course I'll show you around. You'll love it but it's hot in the summer!!!"

Now I'm excited. A bigger city. Bigger buildings. Bigger life. And deep fried everything. If I land a job there before I land one here, I'm gone. Screw New York. I can enjoy heat for most of the year, have a nice job, meet new people, shop til I drop, and most importantly reinvent myself.

I never thought I'd do this. But here goes nothing.

August 28, 2015

Business dealings are pretty harsh so I can understand why people do this, but this really pissed me off. I wanted to cry when I received the email for the position I had held onto hope for getting for months. It wasn't meant to be. It started off, "We have offered the position to someone else and they have accepted. Your skills and qualifications are excellent. We encourage you to keep applying..." And I couldn't even finish it. I just deleted the damn email. I waited three months for that. I should be paid for my time.

Tuesday I received a phone call from a familiar number. I checked the voicemail left thinking it was my friend from where I used to work. I was surprised to hear my former boss' voice wondering if I'd be interested in a new opportunity. I called him and told him I would be, what had happened, and how much money I made. I then texted my friend who had spoken to HR and they had received my information from the UC office asking how much I made there. That prompted this phone call.

Yesterday he called me with an offer, but the work he described initially had been downgraded by the executives. I looked at this as a form of punishment. Instead of doing half purchasing and half inventory, the executives feel it's better if I purely focus on cycle counting. The salary they offered was less than what I made when I quit there. I asked for a day to think about it, but I knew I wouldn't accept that. I would be miserable, still unable to pay my way, and I would wind up screwing a good company because I'd wind up quitting again. I couldn't get past the "punishment" for leaving part — that's what this seemed like. I'd be out in the shop lifting heavy, dirty parts all day trying to find things. I'm not going back to being unhappy all over again because life dealt me a ****ty hand, no...I'd go back on my own terms, well-qualified for an awesome position where I will have the respect of the executives and where nobody will try to treat me like **** or downgrade my status or downplay my abilities they are already aware of. Not this time. I rejected this.

I'm not interested in struggling financially anymore. Someone hired me at a better salary than I ever dreamed of, and I can damn sure do it again. I will be successful. I have a house payment and bills out the wazoo...and now, a famous DUI charge I need to get expunged so I need a salary to carry me or I'll most certainly fail. It is never wise to return to the past. I will still feel the same way about this when I'm finally poor and moving out of my house with no prospects. I am stubborn. I will dig my feet into the soil and remain until the death. Look forward; there is always something on the horizon. Sometimes it is more than one could ever fathom.

I have some prospects actually. I have a phone interview in the morning with a prestigious financial company. I've never heard of them before but, they certainly will pay me well and they offer fantastic benefits from what I've read. It might be the most highly, positively reviewed company I've ever had the pleasure to interview with. Better yet, it would be my olive branch out of the manufacturing industry and it would carry me into uncharted territory; a place I've never imagined myself going. If I get this, I won't leave my house or the area. Better still, this pays better than the job I got fired from, minus screaming *******s, bitches and bastards. If I get this, the name of this company will brighten my resume and finally push me forward to a brighter future. However, I'm not going to get my hopes up about being able to afford everything, to be able to walk to work for once in my life, to be able to come home over lunch and veg out watching a short special of some kind...or to be able to walk my dog and catch up on a good book. This smells like quality of life to me for some reason...and I haven't even had my first interview...Send me a miracle...I need one badly.

On another note, being unemployed has allotted me the time to finally work on setting up a blog. It's in it's stages of infancy, but I hope to grow it eventually to the point where I could at least pick up some freelance work here and there.

Edited August 28, 2015 by LostInTheWild

August 28, 2015

Good luck!

August 29, 2015

While all of this bad **** keeps happening, I have reflected and here's what I've come up with.

While I was employed, towards the end, I had stopped trying completely. I had given up on everything and pretty much gave up on myself too. I thought there wasn't any hope for life getting any better for me. I had already started the pattern of sitting at home and not really doing much of anything, not even working out.

Then I got fired (dad likes to say "laid off"), and it has only become worse. And I don't even really care about what I look like anymore, but tonight I realized that I am really hurting my mother. She wanted the best for me out of life and I come to her showing nothing but how disappointed I am with this life that never quite glued itself together the "right" way, no matter how much I try.

"I just wish you would be happy. That's all I ever wanted for you," she chimed in during one of my bitter rants. I barely heard her until now. "Mom, I have NO prospects. I have nowhere to go. I have NOTHING to look forward to now — NOTHING!!! No romance, no relationships, no money, and now a house to pay for with no job!" I hissed. Like she could change things... She didn't say a word, but she did look down. All of that motherly love would make it all better if it could. Could I love someone like that? Enough to want to take away pain? The only two people who love me in the world are right up the street, feeding me again, wondering if I'm going to make it.

And I feel so ****ing guilty for compartmentalizing my life in my head! All I can think about is money and nothing and money and nothing. I look at my phone and wonder how I'm going to pay for it next month when I need it the most and then I can think of more nothing. I'm just a waiting warrior sitting around ready for something to make me happy again, in shock, grasping for straws. Just when I think, "Oh, I'll go do that..." it's interrupted with, "...but it costs money!" If I walk by a store or something, I keep thinking, "How long will this take for me to have not even a dollar to my name? Get it over with. I can't take this anymore." And it's only been two weeks. I'm dallying around in this and that...I feel like I'm getting nowhere. I'm just running in place.

Something that truly bothers me now is that relationship I so desperately wanted and hoped for someday, well I've just added another two years to that dream, maybe even more by this major setback. I stopped seeking human connections a long time ago. It's been two months since anyone has touched me. It's been even longer since I was held. I don't remember the last time I wanted anyone to hold me, and I don't remember someone even wanting to. I do remember rambling on about this before. But this time it's different; I don't want impersonal connections anymore. No more one night stands, or friends with benefits, or holding people at arm's length.

I haven't been to a bar in months because I'm afraid I'll get another loser trying to chat me up or trying to sleep with me and frankly, I'm just tired of men who are like this. I don't feel driven to "get there" anymore. It's like I've shriveled up and become barren overnight. It's been hard looking over my earlier posts, seeing how much hope I tried to maintain for my future and here I am two years later just totally ****ing exhausted and I don't even know why I bother to wake up at all. I wish I was just in a catatonic state sitting in a chair in a mental hospital, just staring out of a window the rest of my life. I'd have more control doing that than actually trying to live this life. I would know what each day would bring. And I wouldn't have to dream anymore. I could stop and give up hope. I just want some PEACE. Some JOY. SOMETHING.

And I feel disgusted when the thought even crosses my mind when it comes to dating again, and I feel guilty for even thinking I might want to try. I think, "Maybe I should do xyz to attract/meet someone. If I live in a box I'll surely never meet anyone." How in the **** can I change this now? I'm unemployed...trying to make this a positive experience, but it just isn't. Now I really can't have what I want. I have to start all ****ing over again. I deal with false starts, failure, and starting over again all the ****ing time. WHEN AM I GOING TO JUST GET THE PEACE I ASK FOR?

I'm sick of trying to find out who I am. I'm old enough to know. I know how to entertain myself, how to wear my hair, how to dress, how to enjoy culture and music, how to have a good time when I'm happy...What else is there to even LEARN? To survive? To constantly deal with bull **** because it builds character? I've been doing just that...surviving...And all this has done is made me very angry and bitter.

I'm going to stop dreaming because reality is reality. Just...let everything stop. I hate this.

August 29, 2015

Hey dear..been following your endeavour on your life for a while. My..you are a good writer. You should start a blog post. I would be your reader ?.

Having read your last post..have you tried turning your complete faith to God? You might not believe this but I healed from a 7 years RS where the man competely blindsided me and dumped me rather cruelly..7 ( going on 8)months in..Im a changed person. Happy being single..a much more confident person and I am could never do this without God.

Try listening to one of Joyce Meyer's sermons on youtube for a start. She is inspiring.

Good luck and take care

August 30, 2015

"Hey...wake up! Wake up!!!" I hear a woman's voice and feel someone shaking my shoulders. It jolts me awake.

I open my eyes and I see white everywhere. I wonder what is going on for a moment.

"We're here. It's time to go inside. Everyone is waiting," she tells me. I immediately notice her gown, hair, and makeup is overdone. Of course, I'm confused. What is going on? "Look in the mirror. Here, look at this and make sure you feel okay with your hair and makeup," she offers. I reach out with my left hand and there is an engagement ring on my finger. I look down and around the car where a dress I'm wearing is packed in. I'm wearing a delicate, silver bracelet with blue stone settings. There are two other women I don't even recognize. All pretty. All dressed up.

I take the mirror and hold it up to see what all the fuss is about. Slowly, I look. I look like a princess, complete with a crown, and a veil...Uh, what? I'm getting married? To whom? "It's perfect," I play along, in tears.

Everyone hops out of the car, grabbing me and my heavy dress, yanking me out. They hurriedly shove me through the entrance of a venue I don't recognize, but it is decorated in various colors of flowers hanging everywhere; it looks kind of cottage-style...

One woman pulls out a phone and before she pulls up her camera app, I catch a glimpse of the date. "June 11, 2016." I've lost all this time? How could this happen? I smile for the camera and the girls rush to prep me. I hear chattering and soft music coming from a room down the hall. They pull the veil over my face and lead me to a waiting room.

"Okay, it's time for us to go meet the guys to walk down the aisle. Here's your bouquet. Everything looks beautiful," she tells me as I stand there, in shock. They all go out and leave me there. I just wait and fidget with my bouquet. Then an older gentleman comes in to let me know it's my turn.

My father is waiting outside the room I heard all the voices coming from. He looks proud. He offers me his arm, and we walk through the large, wooden doors. Everyone turns to look and I'm thankful for my veil. At the altar, I can see all these people lined up, but there is one who looks like he cares the most. That face...It looks like his heart is melting with happiness. I almost start crying. I lean more on my dad as we get closer. I'm so nervous.

We stop at the altar, and my dad pulls back my veil to kiss me on the cheek. Then he sits down. I've never felt so vulnerable. The groom holds his hand out to me, so I take it and step up onto a platform. I stare up into his green eyes, and he mouths that he loves me and gets teary-eyed...

At this moment, I'm the happiest I've ever been, and I remember that I am worthy of love. The memories I've seemed to have lost reemerge. Meeting him, the pear dish he made for us, our first kiss, our first night together, our vacations, moving in together, supporting me while I found a new job. And then, I felt a small flitting feeling in my tummy. Telling him about the baby. How happy he was. Planning the wedding. And last night.

"I do," and he slips the ring over my finger, then he kisses me deeply. The entire audience applauds, but it's just me and him. There is nothing else.

Our first dance was amazing. I never imagined that someone could look at me like this. If he weren't holding me, I may have just disappeared. I started crying halfway through, though, because his love for me is still too much sometimes. I can't believe it's real. Someone found me to be worth it. And I feel the same way. I finally get the chance I never thought I had.

I'm exhausted after our dance, so I go to sit down. I rest my head for just a minute and when I come to, my head is resting on a hard table, and I recognize immediately where I am: in my dining room, sitting in a hard chair, with the laptop open. The cursor flashes on the screen. The date reads "August 29, 2015." I never went anywhere and nothing's changed. Just drifted off to fantasy land.

September 5, 2015

As my 29th birthday approaches more quickly than I would like it to (several months away, but only a hop, skip and a jump to get there), I've sunken into a state of self-pity. I'm not who I wanted to be or who I had envisaged myself to be in many ways. It's difficult to fight the feelings of deep resentment, self-loathing, and hatred for myself. So what do I do to turn it around? Stop giving a ****. I can't tell you how many pairs of holey pants, ratty t-shirts, hair ties, and slippers I own and are now in full rotation.

I've been keeping busy though. I finally brought my dog home to spend some time with her. I washed her up, cut her hair, and loved on her for the first time in maybe nearly a year. I missed it. I feel different in that regard. Mom and dad are here and available. Dad and I go out for bicycle rides a few times a week, which at least keeps the blood pumping through the veins in my legs. And he benefits too, at 69 years of age, I hope this will keep him with us longer. It makes me feel great to spend this time with him, which I can't help but want to cherish. This has slowly motivated me to become more active, so this week I worked out and am very sore. I ran for the first time in a few months on Thursday, and I felt like I was free...again, running from my problems, able to get away, feeling more human and grounded. Running does wonders for me. The best part is, my body still remembers how to do it. When I'm active, it feels like this is the only thing I can actually do right; it's the only thing in my life that I have always gotten right.

Maybe I've just become so numb to it all. I'm never really surprised anymore. Rejection is necessary. And yes, the rejection emails are flowing from companies. I did get a phone call, but usually it's just radio silence and lack of interviews. I'm facing something too, that is unimaginably agonizing. If I don't find employment, I won't get into the program that would allow the DUI to be expunged and the charge will stick. The program costs $1500, and it's due in December. The DA was clear with me — it must be paid by then. I took the deal, because if I just get a break, I'll be okay, and that's what I'm gunning for. If not, I'm really ****ed.

Most days I sit in quiet contemplation, or lay in bed watching the sunset and the sunrise. Late at night I send out mass applications everywhere with a little prayer attached, "Please help me. I can't fail this time." And it never materializes. It hasn't for months. I also go to my parents' every day where they feed me. I haven't been to the grocery store. I haven't had a drink of alcohol for weeks. More than anything, though, I just want to get out of the house, but I'm too disgusted with myself to even sit at a bar and hope someone pays attention to me. I feel fat, unattractive, and utterly worthless now. So I'm trying to lose the weight, but my scale hasn't tipped in the right direction, and frankly, I am very close to completely giving up on myself. It's too difficult to stay motivated, although I am enjoying the little pleasures in life more (watching my dog fall asleep on my chest; having dad tell me he's had a great time after a bike ride).

I don't really feel like a woman anymore. I feel like that empty shell I once talked about, minus the job. I feel like a slob. I feel tired and noncommittal about everything because, well, I just don't know. I don't know what's going to happen. I try to see this as a positive, like anything could happen right? Tomorrow I could be invited to an interview, land the job, and come out better. Maybe some of us are just meant to start our real lives later, with our old selves having to die in a catastrophe in order to come out on top and brand new. But I've been through too much to believe that. Catastrophe after catastrophe and I'm none the wiser for it. Then there's the negative aspect of this. I don't know what's going to happen. I may wind up "homeless." I may have entered a realm where I will always struggle. I will go to jail when I'm found to be unable to pay for the chance at having an untarnished record. I may face a constant, uphill battle the rest of my life all because of this. I have three months to try to fix this. Three. A lot can happen in a day. A lot can happen in a month. But it feels like this ship I'm on will blow up and sink to the bottom of the sea.

And then there are matters of the heart, longing and desire, which definitely don't cross my mind often anymore. Dating still interests me, and I read a lot of stories about it, try to gather as much information about human interaction as possible. I don't know why it intrigues me so. But I feel inept about it, like if it were to happen, if my life would come to a place where I was ready, I just can't imagine what I'd do. I can't imagine feeling loved by a new person. I can't imagine facing the fear of heartbreak ever again. What is left for me to do? I can't win. I really just cannot win. Even when I think I've won I've really lost. Everything just carries too much uncertainty for me. Everything. I don't know how people can even be happy with that. All I've ever wanted to do was to post a few entries on this thread and let life carry me away and it would get buried because I was too happy to care to come back and post. Like most people do. But not me.

So, to quell these urges of desire and longing, I do something that keeps me right where I need to be, sort of feeding on the tail end of other people's lives and wondering what if. Where my parents' live, I go through a garage full of exotic cars to get into the building. These people have great jobs and make great money. I am a little bit envious of them, but I don't let it bother me.

A few months ago, I remember seeing a gentleman standing next to his car, doing something. I found him to be extremely attractive and thought, "Oh he's married, per the usual." I smiled, greeted, and kept trucking like I always do. I've never forgotten him since and every time I visited my parents I thought about running into him, but oh well. I haven't seen him since and it never mattered because like always, I am in my own world. Damn all others. But I always looked for his car, as if because it were parked there in that spot, I would have a signifier of hope. Corny as that sounds.

Then I became unemployed. Then I started going to my parents' place more often. One day, my dad pointed out his car and said, "That guy is a salesman and he gets to drive all the newer cars to get them over a certain mileage. That's why there's a different car parked there all the time. He's a nice guy." And of course, ya'll know me, I asked, "Is he married?" And dad said, "No." I wonder how he knew that. He's excellent at talking to people and getting to know them. I wish I had that talent. The talent of wanting to get to know random people. I seriously lack in that area unless I'm in the confines of a work environment.

This has piqued my curiosity about him, now that I know he's not married. He's gone frequently, working I presume, but I still wonder what he does with his free time. His car is there at night (when I'm around). Is he just breathing, working, and eating? Just floating along? When his car isn't there, I wonder if he does have a girlfriend, or if he goes out partying, or doing something interesting. It's really strange to have an interest and fascination with someone from afar. It's not really an obsession; it's more of a curiosity than anything. It's kind of fun to look at his parking space and see a different car. It's kind of thrilling to wonder if I'll ever run into him again. But, what would I do if I saw him again? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I am unattractive and have nothing to offer.

SO, my sweet, darling friend informed me this morning that she has broken up with the guy who was in an open relationship. This is her second time dumping him. She told me a little bit about the break up but then she continued on about her new love interest with whom she'd been training for months now.

I just kind of wonder why I don't have any options. None. Not in career, not in states to live in, not in love. Everyone I know is coupled up, happy, and employed. Except for me. And you know what? I stopped giving a **** a long time ago. **** my life.

September 10, 2015

The title of this latest installment suggests something great has finally happened in my life; something "magical." Behold!

Sorry to disappoint, but it is not magical and it has not happened just yet. But I will say, however, that I've brewed up another idea. It may be the worst one of them all in my month of being unemployed.

Here's how this idea came to fruition: one day at my previous job where I had a career and excellent friendships with everyone, I found myself leaning up against the door of my friend's office. I was speculating on the many ways I could earn more money and complained I wasn't being paid enough. To his credit, I think this suggestion was brought about on a whim of good jest, but here we are today. "Why don't you sign up for Ashley Madison and find yourself a sugar daddy?" he proposed. "Uh, hell no. That's disgusting..." I snorted and quickly dashed out of his office. I dropped the thought because I was offended, even if it was a joke.

Fast forward to nearly a year or so later. Bills are mounting, jobs are abundant, but nobody wants to hire me. I've been applying long before I got fired. It has been at least 3-4 months of searching. I won't find anything. Not in my situation. I know that. Slowly, I get to watch the decay of my life in my late 20's (as if it was great before ), the decay of my looks (creams aren't cheap), and I get the harsh opportunity to experience the bitterness of it all. As if the hand I was dealt hasn't been ****ty enough.

It's time to get paid. It's time to turn this situation around. I was applying for a job the other night when I had a flashback and thought, "I can get a sugar daddy!" I researched it very heavily. Throughout my dating experience, I've found similar experiences in reading those of the women who do this.

It is quite glaringly obvious to me that all those people who once said, "You'll meet someone someday," were completely wrong. The ideal partner exists only in my mind as men do not approach me, and I have no interest in wading through online profiles until I finally meet a guy who matches all of my search criteria only to find out later, after sleeping with him, that he is, in fact, a dog/frog/douche bag/not for me/or I'm not for him. All of this work to have to get back in the saddle with a torn, beaten and bruised heart over and over and over again. I want to avoid pain or, if I must endure it, have complete control over how I suffer. It's safer. It hurts less. And I am less bitter for it.

I figure if I'm going to put myself in situations where I'll meet men and never have it work out or go anywhere at all, why not get something out of this? Especially when I could really use the help. Especially if I want to try to pursue another source of enjoyment or find a job that I really like and be able to take my time getting there. Or maybe, I could, perhaps find a mentor or a reference that would make a difference on my resume.

This is an unorthodox approach with endless possibilities and only one guarantee: at the end of this, I will still be single (but I already know that going in, so it's not a disappointment). I know this will make me healthier in the end because I'll want to remain competitive. I'll want to take care of myself. I'll want to hear someone tell me I'm beautiful. In regards to safety...well, I've been raped, nearly raped, fall-down drunk by myself, and broken over and over again. Living is a dangerous activity in general. If I worried about safety all the time, I'd never leave the house based on my own experiences. All one can ever do is take precautions. Living through anything, even sleeping, is never guaranteed.

I got in my car today after mulling this over with friends. They'd do it, they say, if they were in my position (that's always the disclaimer, isn't it?). I noticed the bird crap on my car and thought, "Well, I guess I've got to clean up everything...and clean up my life for the temporary visitors passing through like they always have."

September 23, 2015

I couldn't go through with it. The profile sat in my browser reeking of my own insecurity and inadequacy, so much so, I just took it down. I got a lot of offers, but it just felt so wrong, and so creepy...It wasn't the lifestyle I wanted and I didn't want to compromise my beliefs and my body for money. Money has done enough damage to my life.

I've been pretty depressed, I will say, with nothing to really occupy my time other than surfing the internet, applying for jobs, and reading. I discussed this with my therapist and told her, "This is a depression I've never felt before. It feels so real and raw because it is based on nothing more than the reality I live in. Drugs and therapy cannot offer relief from this." And so each day I sink further into a foggy stupor, feeling useless, sometimes thinking I'm going mad...And maybe I could be handling this differently, but the problem is that I've been tying my worth into what I do for a living. Many people do this. And I don't know when I will be valuable again. Value offers me motivation. Motivation makes me live my life. It gives me a vision. So yeah, I'm still unemployed and the situation is dire, but the future appears to be bleak.

Distraction was what I needed. Some other form of motivation to disallow myself the opportunity to further let everything go. Maybe, I just needed a reason to fight. A reason to be better. Something that would at least force me to care about my appearance. In this moment of time, I was ready to log off and pull the plug; all efforts futile, the screaming in my head incessantly infantile, with no end in sight; no more dreams, with no more hope. So what did I do? Come on, would you really expect anything less than this? I decided to create an online dating profile.

And I am still not ready to date. I am in the worst place and the worst mindset in my entire life. I mean, I figured that even in my best moments, I wasn't meeting anyone, so why not try in the worst moments? So, I got a lot of fodder I had to sift through. It was hard work. I tried to reply to every email, but then I realized I just needed to be more selective in order to save my energy. My guard was high. I wasn't taking any of this seriously. I didn't think for one moment that I would actually have to go on a date or meet anyone. I just needed the distraction from my life.

Within a day, my mind swirling from all the messages; my fingers tired and worn down to nubs, a man sent me a message and we talked for a little while. He seemed different, so I decided to cast the first stone. I gave him my number. Let's call him The Cop (this one is funny because I have a strong sense of dislike towards cops; I've always felt this way).

He's intelligent and "on my level". He's 28 years old with no kids and no real baggage. He shares the same sense of humor that I do. And get this...I couldn't tell from his pictures, but his eyes are green. He's tall. He's thin. And he lives two hours away from me, in a different state. I haven't met him yet, but we do have plans to meet on Saturday. I have Skyped with him, but I'm still not sure if I find him to be as attractive as I would like, as shallow as that sounds (but, I've been known to accept this on many occasions). I'm pretty worried we won't find each other attractive at all in-person. It's been about a week of us talking so far, and he is really enthralled. Interested — like I haven't seen in many years. Consistent — as if someone had answered my prayers. Confident — like me, but he's also insecure (which I hate) about cheating. Honest — I can't remember the last time a man didn't tell me a lie. He doesn't even mind that I'm unemployed at this hour. I would care.

So what's the problem? I'm the problem. The problem is me. I don't like getting attached to people. In fact, I have absolutely no emotional ties to anyone at all, except for a handful of my most important people in my life and they were hard to come by. After all this time, I'm not really sure I want a relationship. I used to be sure I wanted this when the possibility of having one was fleeting, but now that I'm faced with the opportunity, I'm afraid. I'm afraid I've possibly met my match and I'm looking for every possible way to sabotage it. Yeah, we get along THAT well. It was an instant-click over the phone and over Skype. Now we are waiting for the instant-click in person. I worry because he seems so sure about me and right when I think he's "so sure," I throw him a curve ball to see if he'll catch it. So far, he has. I also worry about getting attached to someone and there is just no attraction at all (I hate when this happens, but I usually get to meet the person quickly). Part of me secretly wishes there will be no attraction, confirming in my mind that nothing is real and that I'll never love again. Ever. It's a comfortable state of misery I've put myself into, and it's even more uncomfortable trying to dig myself out.

The worst part of this all is that he notices these issues. I tell him I worry about attraction and he says, "Just let it happen. Don't put so much pressure on it." I just have doubts. I have so many doubts. Would I be settling just to settle? Am I doing this for all the right reasons? This whole thing has just added a new level of stress to my situation. I got spooked on Saturday when we were talking and he sent me a picture. I'm truly worried I won't be attracted to him in person so I shut down. It's so very difficult to type this out, but it's true. It's so awful to feel this way. I worry he will like me more than I like him or vice versa. He always seems to like my pictures, so I don't worry too much there. I keep telling myself that as long as he doesn't look like a lollipop (big head with a skinny body) then we're okay.

The depth of my shallowness does frighten me. If I let it rule, then I will be alone forever, because I am certainly no supermodel. But I do have to equate my shallowness with a deeper part of myself and that is the part that wants to be alone. It's easier to be dismissive. It's easier to remain detached. It just makes keeping people at arm's length less of a chore. I just want the whole mind-body connection...that is what I've yearned for. I mean there is nothing like being able to have fun and be silly with someone and then be able to flip the script in a split second and have passionate sex with your best friend. This is something I just want so badly. I'm afraid I'll never find it again.

But besides all of that, my guard...my ****ing guard...it is hyperactive. I keep trying to manipulate little things he says or does into beaming red flags. Then I'm not sure if I'm right. Then when I talk to him I feel okay. Then when I'm thinking about things, I just think he's moving too fast. Or trying to get me to like him so much that I won't care that in-person chemistry doesn't exist. I don't know what the hell is going on with me. I'm petrified. I'm a mess. I'm a train wreck. I've stopped being fun and flirty and have borrowed a more serious, business-like tone with him. I am obviously freaking out. I sat in therapy today and with all of my emotions in my mind building up, I said, "I don't know what is going on up here [pointing to head]! I can't even verbalize this, for once. I don't know what I'm thinking! I don't know if I'm ready! What is wrong with me?!" I still don't know.

Tonight, I reminisced of the times with the European, in between phone calls with the Cop, so I browsed his facebook page. Nothing was there. He hadn't posted in a while. But someone's profile in his friend's list really stood out to me. A woman. I clicked on her profile and there he was, smiling, with her kissing him on the cheek. I scrolled down further. There it was, written in the sand in his language, "I love you, [name]." Why is it I am able to predict these kinds of occurrences? I wrote about this happening a while back; his new job meant that he would meet someone else, and he would probably marry her. I just felt so sad it wasn't me because I loved him. Deeply. But I also realize that we may have overlapped a little bit, which would make him a douche, but still...I don't know why I feel such a sense of loss?

I realize...HE taught me how to be this way. He not only showed me I am capable of loving another, but he also crippled me in a way, emotionally, by helping me build this wall I can't overcome. I can't tear a few bricks out just to let someone through long enough to have a chance. And here we are almost a year later and I'm pissed off that I'm the only person in my social circle still struggling to understand how to manage myself and my emotions and my broken finances. I'm pissed off because I can't find happiness yet my friend does repeatedly, and my other friends have loving partners and children. I'm pissed off that my life keeps crumbling and every time I look up for help, nobody is to be found anywhere, because I've been forgotten and deemed irrelevant. I'm really pissed off at myself for just applying so much pressure that I just can barely tolerate the spaces I breathe in and for always feeling too much pressure that my mental capacity is being squished by the constraints of everyday living.

I don't know what the **** happened to me. I always thought I'd be different, successful, happy, fat and married with kids by this age...and you know, I'm really glad I'm not. But I'm so conflicted. I want this, but I don't. I feel so ****ing flighty these days that I can barely keep it together. I'm so noncommittal that I barely even recognize myself for the loyal person that I am. And it's shredding me, and I'm kind of sorry I introduced this into my life at this point. But hey, I could get my chance to love again. I could get my chance to move. I could...if only I could beat my demons, I most certainly could change my life.

September 28, 2015

I don't know why I see the truth in every line...

He became sick as a dog, so he couldn't (wouldn't) come up to see me this past weekend. He was actually sick...coughing, blowing his nose, complaining of a sore throat. And I don't know why this made me mad, but I didn't want to wait another week and develop attachments to someone when I don't even know what they smell like. My friend suggested that I give him a chance, but as we all know, I always find a reason to not give someone a chance. It doesn't always happen immediately, but they'll eventually do something or say something then something just snaps in me and I feel like something is wrong.

Call me naive, but I would rather believe...

So I agreed with her to give him a chance. Another week. I mean, it's not all the time I have a solid connection with someone, or feel that I do in someway. We get along swimmingly, besides my occasional frustrations that have nothing to do with him. I felt I was playing the game well. Over Skype, there are a lot of laughs, a lot of questions, a lot of lulls, a lot of highs, and now the spark is beginning to fizzle. We have allowed the inevitable to happen...and we've talked ourselves out. Except, for sexual talk, which is why I am playing a game (challenge) with him to not say anything sexual until after we meet.

And when I look into your eyes, I've seen an awful lot of lies you hide behind...

I'm still impressed with my ability to remain practical and levelheaded throughout all of these processes I have to go through. But last night, over Skype, I wished I was back in the womb, with a choice to be born or maybe not, none-the-wiser to life's greatest charms and lies. We were talking about another challenge/game we were playing that really relied upon trust that the challenge was being performed properly. He said something, and every time he spoke about the challenge and how he was doing with it, I noticed he wasn't looking at his screen (at me). "You're lying," I blurted out just because I knew he was. He fessed up to it immediately.

You know, I know what it means to be fraying at the seams...Out of my mind...

"What else are you lying about? I mean, if you're going to lie about something so small then what about the bigger things?" I asked him, quizzically. "Nothing. I'm not lying about anything else. This was just a game and I wanted to win!" He explained. "Do I have to run a background check on you? HAHA!" I laughed, half-serious.

If I tell you a secret, will you promise to keep it? Keep it close to your heart and never tell a soul? Because I have a secret and it's hell trying to keep it. It tears right through my heart and swallows me whole...

We ended that call, and my head was spinning. The call ended on a good note, but then I started to get a bad feeling. A feeling of dread. "He's lying about something," I told myself. I have to find out what it is. This morning, I woke up and puttered around for a while. I had a text from him wishing me a good morning, and we had some chit chat back and forth before there was radio silence, which was okay with me. I pulled out my laptop. [Name]. "Click". "Enter". I spent a grand amount of today making sure he was who he said.

I don't know why I feel my faith is on the line...

He's not married, from what I could gather without paying. It wasn't flashing across the screen like it was with the pilot. It wouldn't make sense because we talk all the time, and have Skype conversations in bed. No, it's not that. So, okay, what else is there? What else could there actually be? I couldn't find squat on him. But after his elaborate stories about his roommates, I have to wonder if they really even do exist. I did find some evidence that he may still live with his parents. Which, really? Come on, if you're going to lie about that...You aren't ready for a relationship. Because obviously I'd find out eventually, but I don't work this way. I want the truth up front. Then again, I don't know if he's lying or not.

How things appear, seem to be ever unclear...

But maybe I'm not ready for a relationship either. I fight with myself when it comes to searching for information about men who come into my life, and it predominantly started after the pilot. Should I look? Shouldn't I? I'm never sure. And this time, I haven't actually met the guy, so it feels icky to me to even think of how I looked him up, but I feel like I really have to protect myself. I've been hurt too many times, so many times, that I can't take anything at face value ever again. I won't let it happen again.

And when I look into your eyes, I've seen an awful lot of lies you hide behind...

Last night, on the Skype conversation, he made an observation, "You get bored easily, don't you?" I had to agree. Of course. I get bored so very easily that it's unbelievably painful and crippling. Maybe this is my lie to him, trying to impress him, making him think I'm bubbly and happy all the time. I can't get to know anyone because I'm too bored to care. Maybe I'm too breezy and flit from one thing to the next too frequently. Maybe the problem is solely me. Maybe I'm too broken and will never be who I used to be.

You know, I know what it means to be fraying at the seams...Out of my mind...

So here I sit, wondering what's going to happen. Letting this whole thing play out. Hoping I can unravel the mystery in time instead of searching for it. Hoping this leads somewhere because most of the time it does feel right.

If I tell you a secret, will you promise to keep it? Keep it close to your heart and never tell a soul? Because I have a secret and it's hell trying to keep it. It tears right through my heart and it swallows me whole...

However, deep down I already know what is going to happen and I will be very surprised if I'm wrong. I'm already starting to feel the cold air coming, the cooling of emotions, and the air being sucked out of the room. I always feel it when it comes and it's never been wrong. It reminds me of the last time I saw the European and walked inside my house. It was eerily quiet and I felt a rush...like a slow pulling around my body....the air being taken from the room I was in. And I knew it meant he was gone. I sent the text anyway, but I knew that was it. I remember with my ex, when we were "happy" and I felt like he was being different...something was wrong...I almost passed out because I got so worked up. The air was, once again, pulled from the room. He was cheating. I should have ended it then because it was already over. I remember everyone else I had shared connections with in some form, and that feeling of loss only plagues me when it does happen.

I think he's gone. I won't ever get to meet him.

I'm tired of this. I'm just going to work on getting my career back on track. If he wants to stick around then great. If not, I'll have to think long and hard about doing online dating again. I don't want to get bit again and I'm insanely gun shy. Nothing ever works out for me...ever...

Oceanlab-Secret

Edited September 28, 2015 by LostInTheWild

October 8, 2015

Every night, for another week, I couldn't sleep. I slept restlessly, filled with excitement, knowing the day that the Cop would come up here would arrive soon. This was supposed to be on Saturday. I had ignored other suitors in lieu for this one. I was excited. If the chemistry translated over into real life, then nothing could stop me from falling in love, except the fact that I thought he was a liar.

I'll never really know what his intent was with me. I'll never know because on Friday I received a call, "I like you a lot. You're so great and I love talking to you, but I'm exhausted from driving today and I just don't think I'll be able to make it up. But next weekend, I have Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday off so I can plan to meet —" I had already begun interrupting him with, "Look, I've already waited over two weeks for this so...I'm not going to wait another week. I'm going to date other people and I'll be your friend since I enjoy talking to you." I was furious and felt he was a time-waster. Another week would translate into another week and another excuse. No. Turns out I was right after all. The next day he called and without thinking told me his sister got into a car accident and was using his car. HAHA...Right. That's why he couldn't come then, right? And does he even have a sister? Who knows? It's not really worth the trouble at this point. It stung for about an hour and then I moved on. He still texts me, upset that I'm not how I used to be. Oh well. That's what happens when you act like an ******* (x2).

So, I've been on a couple of less note-worthy dates since then, with men who haven't sparked my interest, but I showed up to improve my people skills. The chemistry doesn't exist for me. I felt dead and flat and like the time right before I met the European...I felt like that, except nobody has been able to lift me from the fog but him. I even mentioned him at a date where we were talking about how various dating sites didn't work. All I could do was reflect at that point, reminiscing right in front of my date. I just didn't give a ****. Nobody has made me feel that alive in every pore except the European and I still have no idea why that is. There's like a void in my chest, funneling and consuming every feeling since he left and I've all but given up hope that someone would ever love me again. It doesn't even allow me so much as a continuous spark anymore. Even with the Cop I found myself getting bored, but happy that I had someone to at least talk to every day.

I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. I can't figure out why I stash my feelings of romantic chemistry away. I've met a couple of perfectly eligible bachelors, but they bore the life out of me. Conversation is forced and delicate. I could care less that he goes to the gym every day or that he sells things for a living. I could care less that he's constantly looking down at my breasts. I know I don't want to sleep with any of them. I know I feel absolutely nothing. I don't feel nervous. I don't feel scared. I'm just there. And I hate not being able to connect! I hate it! I don't want to be this way. I hate feeling like there is nobody out there for me.

Then along came the EMT. I clicked on his profile and let out a longing sigh...He wouldn't be interested in me, but he's cute, yet it looks like he's not interested in anything too serious. I exited out and continued browsing through my boredom. On Saturday morning, I received a message from him. I wasn't sure about him (I'll get to that). I really was skeptical, but he dropped me a line telling me I had a pretty smile, and wished me a good day. I responded back and asked him about what he meant by selecting "casual dating" in his profile and he simply responded, "I'm not looking to rush into anything too serious too soon." I pondered that thought, but I was attracted to his pictures, so I gave him my number and we went from there.

A breath of fresh air, if you want to call it that, his honesty was. I found it so chillingly refreshing with how candidly he spoke about his life experiences and how they've molded him into who he is. He peppered me with questions and we joked around for a while. There are three major issues that plague me at this very moment and they're all related to me. He has been married before. He's 29 years old and his divorce was finalized at the beginning of this year. He has two children with her. Very young children, ages 3 and 1.5. He also works two jobs.

I remember not very long ago I had tried this before. I wasn't ready to deal with children or a broken home. I didn't want anyone's baggage and I couldn't really see past it. This truly haunts me like never before. I'm not sure I can take on such a heavy load of emotional burden and allow him to shred me...Because let's face it, if I did get involved with him, it most likely would end up this way. I'm certain he's still processing everything that happened and he's still searching for his new self — the single caregiver, the father, the worker, the supporter; with his male desires being placed in the background of his life while he searches for what it means to have what is right and balance.

The divorce was mutual and amicable except in one regard. The mother decided that he was cheating and if he slept with anyone while they were separated, then she would make sure he wouldn't be allowed to see his children again. He swears there was no cheating. He says they were incompatible from the start but they just kind of forced a relationship and it snowballed; they were living together, then they were married, then she was pregnant and two years after that they were going to split up, but then she found out she was pregnant again so they tried to make it work. It didn't and they divorced. I asked him about this yesterday.

This is a lot of drama. A lot. And judging by the fact that we were supposed to meet yesterday but he couldn't because his ex's aunt dropped off the kids (he was supposed to pick them up later in the day) early, in a riotous fashion leads me to believe he has a long, hard road ahead of him and it will be a major challenge to even get laid by him should it ever get to that point. I have no idea how to handle this because, well, we really click. Like, I'm happy I met him. He is offering me something I haven't really found with another guy and that is the ability to open up and be emotionally vulnerable without scaring him off. It is so incredibly early that I hate thinking so far into the future, but if we do hit it off when we meet Friday night, we both agree that...we don't know what we are going to do.

I'm hoping we do share that chemistry in person. I'm in the process of redefining what a real, loving relationship, serious or not, would actually mean for me. I'm in no excellent place right now and I have absolutely nothing to offer anyone at this moment. I understand this so much more now just by meeting him because "Princess-mode" was activated when he canceled on me. I was so disappointed and was ready to cut him off until he told me what had happened. That's when I knew I was trying to force everything. I was trying to force relationships with people. I was trying to force myself into being ready for a relationship, and I am just not ready right this very moment. I need to slow down. I let my emotions rule me and it pushes me into the wrong flings, the wrong guys, and emotionally unavailable men...but despite what he's been through, he just doesn't seem like he is unavailable. He doesn't seem dishonest at all. Why not give it a chance? It could be something I never expected. I could let someone touch my life and change my perspective forever. I could let this ruin me, if it will, and grow from it, maybe becoming stronger. I don't know.

At the same time I fight demons. The ones that tell me I'm not ever going to settle for less. I want the single guy who can share my single lifestyle and we can travel and drink and play...but those guys...they bore the life out of me. "I go to the gym." "I love dogs." "I work so hard." "I love money." "I love football." It's starting to get too superficial and I can no longer relate to them anymore. I don't know what has happened here at all. Maybe the right guy isn't hiding behind his shiny job and new car, with his boyish good looks still in tact.

Okay, so I'm feeling a strong feeling about this, but like so many other times, I just can't trust it. There may be no attraction at all when we meet. We may never meet. We may never go anywhere at all. But I will learn something.

In other news, I really want to blow my house up. I can't stand having to worry about keeping it already and then the lady next door complained about a dead bush...I want to confront her, SHAKE HER, and scream, "DO YOU HAVE ANY ****ING IDEA WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH? AND YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT A ****ING BUSH?" I'm going to remove all potted plants, except for one...and I'll plant a stick there with a smiley face on it. Complain about that.

Edited October 8, 2015 by LostInTheWild

October 11, 2015

EMT,

When you came over to meet me on Thursday for the first time, I'm not going to lie, I was terribly frightened that this wouldn't work out or that there would be no attraction whatsoever. I was fearful that all you would be expecting was sex and remain detached, emotionally unavailable, some form of the beast I already know and am well-accustomed to.

I'm not the type of person who forms attachments with other people. My grandmother was the last person I felt such a great loss for when she died. My ex took with him the last piece of what made me human with him, but even when I was with him, he had trouble coping with my guard and I suppose anyone would.

When you helped me move hose dead bushes my heart just melted. I couldn't believe that you were here, helping me with all of your heart, and your deep, blue eyes couldn't hide the attraction...even the words you spoke oozed of what you felt. And then you placed my hand over your chest to feel your racing heart. I'll never forget how open you were with me that night, and how you helped me lift things I couldn't lift.

Then we kissed and I couldn't believe how wonderful I felt. It was the first time in a year since I had kissed someone when I was sober. I've always needed alcohol to let my guard down enough to open myself to the true sensations of being wanted and wanting to be wanted. I haven't felt like that in a long time.

I had to shut down and process what was going on so you left, not expecting anything, and fearful even that because of how I acted, that I didn't like you. It's a common fear men have once in a while when it comes to meeting me. However, I didn't want you to believe that. I had to reach out and tell you that no, it wasn't you; it's me and I've even lost someone I love because I could never express myself.

So then we kept our original date of Friday, where we did the most glamorous thing possible — cleaning my basement and trying to prevent mold growth, and hey, I think it might just work. And you fixed my toilet handle....the test I had for all men whom all had failed. It had been broken for nearly a year. Now I go to the bathroom and get so much delight out of being able to use the handle to flush...

All the while I just beamed at you and your blue eyes...a world of their own, smiling at me even though we had only just met. The edges like a deep, dark ocean with the inner iris becoming brighter, more crystal blue-like. The tenderness, the kindness, the patience you exuded were all amazing. We finished off the evening enjoying a beer and kissing. Wonderful chemistry. When you put your arms around me, I felt afraid. I can't remember the last time someone did that and it meant something to them. I can only remember wanting it and trying to force someone to want that too.

It's difficult to explain. I think I'm done dating for a while because despite your baggage, I want to see what happens. I want to see how you can open me up and make me vulnerable again. I want you to keep talking to me in a loving, calm voice...encouraging me, telling me stories, getting to know you...

And I'm terrified you don't feel the same way even though you've told me you do. I'm afraid of you because I think it will sting if I have to let you go...And I don't want to, at least not yet. I know someday I will want to fall in love with you if we keep this going, and at that time, I hope we can agree we both feel that way.

If I don't sabotage this first. Which I so desperately try to and you always comfort me...One week and we are already at this point.

October 11, 2015

Congratulations.

A guy who can sort out your plumbing is a plus.

A proper flush after a year and mold prevention are dates to remember...

October 11, 2015

Slowly, LITW, slowly. we're rooting for you

October 12, 2015

Congratulations.
A guy who can sort out your plumbing is a plus.
A proper flush after a year and mold prevention are dates to remember...

I laughed at this at first. I thought it was pretty funny. I'm not sure, however, what context this was meant to be in. Sarcastic? I don't know but it was a knee-slapper. I seriously laughed pretty hard but then I thought about it.

The thing is that this is basic, genuine kindness I haven't seen in years. As opposed to what? Him buying me a meal or two? I used to think it was kind to be fed. Now I realize how trivial it really is. Having my home secure is more meaningful to me than a meal I'll digest in an hour and have nothing to show for it at the end.

I don't know. It was different this time. And it's easier to get a better grasp of someone's character when they have to work with you on something.

I've sat in front of many men with a meal in front of me, taken walks, went bowling...where are they now? Spending money on something means nothing. Actions mean everything.

We will be having a standard date. Don't write that one off yet.

Edited October 12, 2015 by LostInTheWild

October 12, 2015

Slowly, LITW, slowly. we're rooting for you

Thank you, 15. I hope it flows the right way this time. But if it isn't meant to be, at least my toilet works now.

Lost In The Wild

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