Lost In The Wild

November 21, 2014

Monday:

I've officially become a couch potato. I eat and I eat junk, candy, anything I can get my hands on at work. They frequently have subs our guests don't finish, food people bring in, and more candy. I've indulged in all of it. And at about 120 pounds, I felt huge...for my height.

Nothing is more irritating than to tell someone you are getting fat and they say, "Where?" I know my trouble areas and I know it's in my belly. Maybe if I wore tight clothes it would be more noticeable? I don't know, but I started to get the jiggles...not cool. And Shaun T. started boring me...

I spent all day shopping for a good gym. I wanted stimulation and group classes I could work hard at being good at, maybe even socialize instead of retreating to my shell after work. I found one and signed up.

Monday Night:

I strolled through the aisles at the grocery store searching for protein and quick-made food. There will be no more cooking around these parts, so I found a few things and made my way home. I wouldn't make it to yoga in time anyhow.

Tuesday:

My steely resolve pushed me through my first day jitters. What should I expect? I did sign up online to some unknown gym in the first place. I figured I paid for this class so I was entitled to be there like anyone else, right? So why did I feel so nervous?

I got home, changed, and drove 20 minutes out of my way to the gym. Now, this is FAR...not what I expected so I told myself it better be worth th trip and the money.

I got to the gym and it was like they were waiting for me to arrive. She pulled out my information, handed me my scan card, told me about their offerings, and asked if I'd like to meet the coordinator...fancy.

I passed on all that, but the girl was sweet and a joy to talk to. I realized I must be missing out on life because just talking to her made me feel joy...like I wasn't invisible anymore.

I hopped on the treadmill and ran as fast as I could. It was the most exhilarating feeling I've felt in such a long time. My excitement was building for the upcoming class I was warming up for. Body combat...what should I expect?

The class was amazing...everything I could hope for and nothing like the other gyms I've been to. I worked out...hard and felt it the next day. It wasn't an easy class...I wanted to do something that really challenged my body and I found it.

Wednesday:

Am I really eating three meals a day now? Why did I start doing this? Breakfast? I don't eat breakfast...but there I was at my desk and even had lunch in the freezer waiting for me. Food piled up in the break room and I didn't touch it. I wasn't hungry enough to eat it.

Classes...hard. Even harder than the previous night. I stayed for over two hours and have come up with a plan to stay there for two hours each day after work, even attending on Saturdays for several more hours.

When I left...I could barely move, let alone think. I don't have time to think about anyone else right now. Just myself. Not even him.

I winced as I got into bed and struggled to turn over in bed. Ahhhh...

Today:

Same deal. Only this time, I notice I'm not as angry nor am I as tired I was. Somehow, these past few days have relieved a tremendous amount of stress. I feel...happy, I guess. Content with my decision, content with work, more productive, less hungry for junk food. Just more...myself.

It feels good to know I've made a positive change...I had to change my routine. With my choices, I hope to make a greater impact on my self-esteem and self-respect (and the jiggles).

November 21, 2014

Don't get me wrong...there are several things bothering me this week or I wouldn't have bothered posting in the first place.

I went to Subway for lunch with my friend at the start of the week and the coworker I sort of dated is ahead of us...with a chick. It appears he's met someone. It took a lot of struggling not to laugh but all I could tell my friend is, "She doesn't know yet." My friend knew what I meant instantly. Yep. Small weenus. Not something I miss.

This alone wouldn't have bothered me. To be honest, not much else has, except for listening to my friend's tales of her getting closer to her...boyfriend? Meeting the parents...Things like that. And on top of it all, the Halloween guy tried to get me to meet up with him whilst he was out celebrating his birthday. You kidding me? You can't date me proper but you think you can **** me? I'm too old to fall for, "Hey, if you're out, just know I'll be out too. If you're drunk, hey, the merrier." Followed by pictures of his face and body.

Riiiiight. I shut his ass down quick and he didn't like that. Then he's like, "Hey, if you get over your temporary dislike for me, I'll take you out sometime." Ha...weirdo. No thanks. And I stopped responding. Which leaves me with...WHAT...can someone tell me WHAT AM I DOING THAT ATTRACTS MEN WHO THINK IT IS OKAY TO PROPOSITION ME, INDIRECTLY, FOR SEX???? Seriously? I was eating a slice of god damn pizza when I met him!!!! >:0

So, yeah, I'm bothered, troubled even, that it is SO difficult for me and only me in my social circle to still be an "I" and not a "We."

It's like...someone is playing a ****ing trick on me or something. When will this end. In the meantime I have my feelings floating around in cyberspace not being reciprocated. I'll burn his guest toothbrush on Saturday in celebration of my freedom. But then what? I'm not a complete and total nutcase. I have a job. I'm funny. I'm not sad all the time. I'm confident. I can be sexy.

What gives?

Edited November 21, 2014 by LostInTheWild

November 23, 2014

A sense of danger is in the air. The excitement I feel when I look out of the window towards the river never goes away. It is breathtaking. The danger is there, though. I've moved close to it. I want to be up close and personal with it. The river is starting to turn to ice...Chunks are marbled on it's surface while running water tries to push around it. The area could flood this time of year just because it's cold. I wince at the thought but trod through my day anyway.

I wasn't going to go to the gym. I was tired when I woke up at 7:30 and still sore, but I figured...what the heck? I'm baking my mom a cake for her birthday, which was yesterday, so I had to go to the store anyhow. I'm glad I went.

After the gym, I plowed through the store and picked up an array of ingredients. I drove home and tried to procrastinate in making her cake but I just dove into it, which is so unlike me. I like to take my time, usually, but I was really excited to see if I could do it. And it turned out to be a wonderful cake. And I think I gained five pounds just making it.

Oh well, I handed it over to her and she treated it like it was the greatest present ever. She knows how to make me feel special sometimes, but still, with her mental illness, I'm quickly beginning to realize that she won't be mentally sound much longer. I'm just glad I never got it, as it can be hereditary but the doctor's just don't know.

I ate a slice (more cake!) with them and then I left. I wonder how much time will be given to us to spend with each other. I wonder if I will have children they will be able to appreciate someday. Sadly, with their health deteriorating, I don't see that as a possibility. If I have kids in the future, that support I have with them will be nonexistent for my children. It's sad because my parents have a lot to teach. I want my kids to smell the baked apple and sweet potato pies my dad taught me to make. I want them to feel warm and loved in the clutches of an embrace from my mother. It's just not going to happen and it scares me. If they can't be here for my kids, then I don't want to have any at all. It will make me more reluctant to have them, at least.

I still remember my grandmother, the big bad lady, who would turn my 5-year-old-ass over her knee when I got out of line. I still remember my grandmother, the unconditional lover, taking me into her arms and holding me when I cried or holding me just because she could. She loved her cats, and I remember her voice and her stories. She would talk late into the night with her friends or her family and it would knock me out cold. Her voice was so soothing and I still remember it. Her loss is still felt many years later and although as a rebellious teenager I didn't get to appreciate her, I'm glad I got the time with her. It was better than not having a wonderful grandmother at all. I want that for my kids.

Anyway, the days crept up on me and it's here. My ex's birthday. I remember for many years before we got into a relationship, I would always wish him a happy birthday. He's had two birthdays now, and I've remained silent. So has he.

I hear his baby is due in December. It doesn't hurt to know anything about him now so I know I've reached that point where he doesn't matter to me anymore. I am still curious, however, to see how his relationship holds up. It is quite interesting to me, so whenever I'm offered this information I gobble it up gracefully. Apparently he is a mess these days, trying to get everything ready for the baby. My friend is uncertain of how he is actually doing because he's dropped off the face of the planet. I'm thinking he must be happy, even if he doesn't quite have a place to live (or a place to make into a home, I should say) just yet. I wonder what his world actually looks like.

I did a once-over in my mind today to check inventory of my friendships. My friend who I was close to is spending all of her time with her boyfriend (?) and I've moved away from her, so getting together isn't as easy even if I do see her at work. However, I see that friendship fading away. We are on two separate paths now and I find her difficult to relate with. My other friend is busy being a mother. My high school friend is pissed off at me in some parallel plane. The others are busy with marriages or school or other things. At least I have internet access...

I must say I do get antsy checking my phone to see if anyone thinks of me. For the past couple of weeks I've noticed this isn't true at all. What happened to my relationships with people? There are so many things changing...hanging in the balance...things I am losing that I haven't even been giving my attention to and when I look up, they're gone. I am not a nurturer.

***The previous was written on 11/22***

It is day eight.

Everyone knows what this means.

I got home on Friday after doing some classes at the gym. I decided to change everything that reminded me that The European had been here. Things I didn't want to move because his presence was always welcome. Well, not on this night. He is no longer a welcome presence in my life.

Loveshackers, I'm pretty serious this time.

I was telling my friend at work the other day about how although she thinks I'm too patient and how I should be more angry with how he treats me - he is not mine and even *I* have my limits. I stay the course until I can no longer tolerate it. It will be easier to deal with this small hurt, rather than prolong it. It will be like losing a pet and getting a new one (although there are still some I do miss). You hurt for a small while and then you get distracted with a shiny, new bauble.

So anyway, I went into my bathroom and stared at "his" toothbrush. Ah, the ceremonial toothbrush...It was laying on the counter, so innocent-like and it brought back memories of the umbrella I threw into the trash compactor, and the teddy bear...so many things...

I picked it up and thought of what I wanted the most and what was the least likely to happen. I checked my phone seeking solace in the fact that someone might be there to stop me. Maybe even he himself. There was nothing but a black screen...and some hope filled me: "What about tomorrow? Surely he will say something?"

No, I couldn't wait any longer to dispose of this man with his many flaws, his great distance physically and emotionally, his lingering secrecy, his lies too heavy for me to deny (I know when people are lying to me, and it's not a perceived lie, it is an actual lie), starting over every time I see him, and the distance, the distance, the distance, and never knowing him truly. No more.

I cast my feelings out to him and there was only radio silence from his end. He has surely received it. Two in my circle have commented, verbatim, "He hasn't said anything all week?!" Well, knowing what I do know, his behavior in the past, yes, that's just how he is. But there is no reason for me to give these excuses any longer. It's time to allow myself some time to grieve and address my self-respect issues. Going off-topic a little bit here, but I did read a thread on this site where a woman in her forties was still having trouble with men even after all these years...and you know what? She sounds like she hated herself and had never matured emotionally. This is something I strive against each day. The thought of becoming like her scares me. I would rather be alone than cater to my loneliness or cloak myself in self-loathing so thick only a man can bring me out of those shadows to crush me and make me start over each and every time he decides he's done with me. Never. I will never allow it.

I have 13 years to go until I'm in her shoes. I can't do that to myself. So I looked at the toothbrush and it was moving, or was I moving? I followed it down the stairs and into the backyard. It was guiding me rather than me holding it, carrying it outside. I picked up the grill lighter. "Click, click, hissssss..." And then, it caught on fire with a crappy little flame that sputtered out before anything got burned. Time to grab my smoking lighter. Glad I smoke! It's a sign.

Take Two: "Click, click, pfffttt." And if I had marshmallows, it would have been perfect. I did have to re-light it a couple of times but it was absolutely magnificent. Everything melted. The plastic dripped into the ashtray and stayed lit with fire. It was pretty. And yet, I still found myself apologizing to him in my mind. "I'm so sorry, but I just can't do this anymore. It's only going to hurt me more. I understand this now."

I was holding on to a little nub before I knew it and I'm sure my neighborhood smelled like a bunch of dead stinkbugs, but I did it. Screw them. I did something for myself for once.

Yes. I know what you might be thinking. What makes you think he will contact you again? I know that in time, he will think I've forgotten that text I sent him and he won't address it (my three options are narrowed down to one now). A, "Hey, how have you been doing?" text will suffice in his mind once enough time has passed and either he is lonely, horny, no better options, or bored. There is something I keep forgetting to mention here and to myself...oh yeah, yeah that's right: He is nothing but a man at his core despite the niceties and pleasantries. And I'm nothing more than a convenience for him that he just has to text once in a blue moon in order to get what he wants (not that I don't want it too). And based on what I do know, based on most of the men I've dated and had relations with, all but one have come back. All but one. And that is the most negative thing I can say. It isn't out of pride, but it speaks volumes about what kind of respect some of these men actually have for me in the first place. I actually respect the teacher more for never coming back even though I wanted him to. Keep the ****ing door shut and locked, it's cold outside.

So, what are my plans should he contact me again (and I'm about 85% certain he will at this point)? Well, I'm kind of debating this. It really depends on when and how he approaches me. But after the Halloween guy, I'm ready to tear into every man that does this to me. I want to chew them up and spit them out and never speak to them again. I am thinking I will ignore the text for a few days, which will be easy now (I'm really tired of this). When I respond, it will be something short and sweet that leaves no open. He will respond, rinse and repeat. I will treat him the same way he's treated me all this time. OR, I will just ignore it. It depends on my level of strength at the time. The weaker I feel, the more aversion I will have to playing games, the more likely I am to ignore it completely. I will not block him. I never block anyone permanently. My nature is too curious for that.

I've also resigned myself to occasional/social drinking. It's too expensive, I've realized and I'm tired of people seeing me as the party girl, which I most definitely am. The last time I drank was last Saturday with him. I will keep it this way. Anyway, I don't really want my friends to get the impression that I'm trying to meet the love of my life in a bar. I was honestly shocked when one of them suggested this about me. This is not true. But that is not the reason I'm giving up drinking regularly. Going to the gym should take precedence over drinking. I want to make myself seem more attractive and adopt values that others can relate with. For so long I look at other people's lives and think, "Why would you even want to do that?" Well, if you don't drink all the time then you clearly have time for other things.

There's a lot going on in my mind right now and I'm still reeling from all the things I have to deal with. I'm trying to see all of these things as a minor inconvenience/annoyance that will eventually pass. I'm trying to leave my emotions out of this and use my head like a man would. It just seems so important to transition into this mindset right now. It is so important that I change my way of thinking to avoid traps and pitfalls I may find myself in. Maybe this is growing up. Maybe this is coming to terms with the things that are and the things that will never be. And just dealing with it.

A special happy birthday to my ex. Wishing you a life of hell, kind of like mine.

Edited November 23, 2014 by LostInTheWild

November 23, 2014

Don't hold on.

Go get strong.

Well don't you know?

There is no modern romance.

Time, time is gone.

It stops, stops who it wants.

Well I was wrong.

It never lasts.

There is no, this is no,

Modern romance.

Yeah yeah yeahs - Modern Romance

November 26, 2014

I don't really have much to report on since my last post. Still grieving my decision. Still holding fast to it. Still here doing the do.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow. Many moons have gone by with it just being me strolling into my parent's house. I think they're starting to wonder what's wrong with me. They seem sympathetic and at the same time, disappointed that their child has no one.

I'm feeling happier with my choices each day. I'm slowly resigning to the fact that this is just the way it is and the way it will be. It's actually becoming comforting to not have the opposite sex around. I can be myself through all points in each day and never have to worry that I'm not good enough or that I'm rubbing someone the wrong way.

It's funny because I viewed all of this as learning. My patience was limitless as was my commitment to learning to embrace others as they are. To embrace my own shortcomings as a person and seek the qualities I lack in other people and in men.

I'm here today, posting, to say that patience I had isn't as limitless as I once thought it was. I feel the gears grinding in my subconscious. To a halt. I feel the need to be alone to recover my bearings and break through the walls I've built around myself with learning and taking my time and being patient. No more. The focus shall remain on me now.

I've just...seen too much. I've felt too much. I've seen how people treat each other. I have witnessed evil in almost all forms.

If any man ever tried to approach me now and looked into my eyes, I'd wish for him to see all that I've seen. All the evilness in my life that has lurked around me for so long. And how I wish to never experience it again.

So now I have the answer. I've found truth and choice. This is me choosing to remain single. My choice.

This is the end of naïveté. And my innocence.

November 27, 2014

Well, I'm back. Two in one day. Imagine that.

Work was tiring and knowing Thanksgiving is right around the corner made me feel even more exhausted. They let us go an hour early and I ran across the parking lot, skipping over slush and snow. I couldn't think of anything to do that would keep me occupied for two hours while I waited in town for my therapy to begin. It is an hour away from home now. After driving so frequently now, an hour doesn't really seem like much...not like it used to. I used to weigh that heavily in my mind but now it's less of a chore and more of an annoyance.

Where is the best place to pass time? The bar right across the street from therapy. A match made in heaven. I sat at the bar, hoping for some entertainment. There was none with it being a crappy, cold, snowy day. There were two couples, the bartender, and myself. I had two beers and decided to wait the last fifteen minutes outside of my therapist's office, staying warm in my car.

In the middle of a game, which I frequently enjoy playing when there is nothing else to do, I got a text from a long, lost soul who caught me at a bad time. My high school friend.

I am paraphrasing here, but his bull **** excuse went something like, "Hey, sorry I haven't texted you. I've been busy with work. Have a safe trip home."

I was more angry that he even bothered texting me at all. Seriously. What made me even angrier than that was his very male excuse for why he hadn't bothered to check up on me, after the night I had several weeks ago, to make sure I wasn't dead somewhere. What had me seething with rage was ALL OF THE EXCUSES I KEEP GETTING FROM MEN. PERIOD. And he was public enemy number one.

My friend...my close friend who I embarrassed. My close friend who held me on a night i needed it. My very close friend with whom I've slept with and love on a platonic level. And my close friend who thought the best punishment was dropping out for several weeks without speaking to me once. Because he was mad...I feel betrayed now. Something in me feels betrayed because of how he handled that, even if I was wrong. I was talking about killing myself and he left me. I was drunk...and I still don't remember what I did because he never told me. He didn't want to have that conversation with me because he was so mad.

Well, it was my turn to be mad. I don't know if I can forgive him for not being there when I actually needed someone to love me faults and all. It's weird...I know I'm wrong and messed up in many ways, but if you are my friend, you won't leave me like that.

Again, I'm paraphrasing here but I basically told him in the nicest way possible that I'm tired of accepting these excuses from men. You could have texted me in between wipes or something. I've turned over a new leaf where I will no longer tolerate that behavior, especially when it was during a time when I needed him the most. I told him I was about to go into therapy. I wished him a Happy Thanksgiving and said, "Cheers!"

Of course, when I think I've said my final piece, someone always has to have a comeback of some kind. "You humiliated me."

"Does it really matter what people think of you in a bar? I drank 3/4 of a jar of moonshine and I don't remember it. I had a really ROUGH week and things are still rough but I'm hoping the new year is better. You really care what people you don't know and who you don't care about think of you?"

"I'm really busy with work. I haven't been getting home until 10 every night."

I had it with him, "Yeah, I'm busy now too, even on the weekends but I still have some time to myself that I can give to other people."

I'm sorry, I'm just not buying it. He is lying to me. The REAL reason he didn't text me, even though he is busy with work, is because he thought this amount of time would suffice as a punishment. I am not a child nor do I need to be on the receiving end of what someone thinks my punishment should be. If we were still talking regularly, I bet my life on it that this man would have MADE time for me in some form. He WOULD have texted me. he WOULD have had a coffee break with me on Sundays. The point is, he didn't because he thought this is what *I* deserved for making him so mad and being a sloppy drunk. Horse ****. Nope, it's not flying with me.

Another thought that crossed my mind is how I deal with drunks when I'm sober. I never hold what anyone says or does against them when they're drunk and sloppy. If they do make me mad, I tell them about it. I don't shut them out. We talk about it the next day when they're doing the walk of shame. I don't do it to make anyone feel worse, but it's thoughtful, polite, and kind to discuss things like adults.

To me, in my view, not to go on a self-righteous tangent or anything because I know I was wrong and all that, but he wants me to be someone I'm simply not. I think this man has some serious feelings for me. I can definitely tell. He does all the things a boyfriend would do that other men would find excruciating to put up with like listening to me about astrology or loving other men, or about the *******s I hate at work, or shopping for one freaking stupid shirt and holding my purse...

I may be wrong here, but I think he is subconsciously wanting me to be girlfriend material, his definition of girlfriend material. I won't bend, flex, or change myself for that and besides, I will never be his. I just don't see him that way. He is an excellent friend most times anyhow, but it's just this one thing I won't put up with.

I could have this all wrong. I really could. I may be too harsh but it's difficult to say at this point. I'm really used to being alone now and it's getting really easy to shuffle people out of my life. I want to chain the revolving door so that there is only an entrance and an exit. Choose one, but know that the entrance locks from the inside and the exit locks from the outside. There is no gray area.

Edited November 27, 2014 by LostInTheWild

December 1, 2014

Friday I spent the better part of the day with my friend who is married and now has two children.

We strolled around the store and ate at a restaurant with her youngest in tow. What a happy baby boy he is. I really enjoyed holding him. I'm happy that she let me dress him and hold him even though he was about to cry..."Good practice," I thought to myself, but the best part was my friend's trust in me that I wouldn't hurt him and that I was capable.

I guess she could see through my facade though..."What? You don't think I'm happy?" I asked her. She was bending over looking at the latest and greatest deal for gummy vitamins for her daughter. I was taken aback by her response because I hadn't really thought about it for a while since I've been so busy with the gym and visiting my parents. She picked up some vitamins and tossed them in the cart. "No. I don't think you're happy. I think you're depressed." Okay, that was strange and out of nowhere, "Really? Why?" I asked her. "Well, I think life didn't turn out the way you wanted it to."

And she's right. If I read through all of this crap I have written in my thread here, it's undeniable. But I thought I was changing things around and making things easier to deal with? The fact that I'm not where I want to be in life was supposed to be downplayed by all the things I have to do with no time to think about it. It was supposed to be white noise...Some background noise I can't hear or hold on to or follow...My failures and shortcomings as a person are supposed to be dampened if I can't concentrate on it anymore, right? I guess not. It was just strange hearing that come from her even though she is the one I complain the least to. She knows nothing about certain aspects. Wow, do I really look that beat up and tired?

So I told her I joined meetup.com. Yep, I sure did. Single, ready to mingle, and there's currently nobody in the city to relate to. I browsed all the groups, signed up for about 12 of them and signed up for several events. Seems right up my alley doesn't it? I do random things all the time. This is one of them. FUGLY Sweater night at some stranger's house? I'm there. Friday. I don't really have an ugly sweater though. A trip to New York City next May to check out new restaurants? I'm there, sign me up. I may be broke but I'll save my tax return and pay for it that way. I have to live. A nice overnight trip. A knitting club? Sure, I can crotchet and when I'm bored, I'll meet up with them in the basement of the mall in the food court. Haven't signed up yet though. A book club? YEAH! I bought the book for kindle and will be reading it in time to sit with the group to discuss it on December 17th over dinner. Girls night out? Yep, a brewery on Tuesday (crap I forgot about that one). Finally, I joined a writer's club. They critique works you submit to them prior to meeting. I explained to the organizer I have some material to edit. He let me in. I still haven't fixed up my writings just yet for presentation, but I will next month (or this month, rather).

I see positives in these changes, but I keep thinking, am I a loser now for doing this? A sad sod who can't find anything else to do? No friends? Well, I pretty much shut out the friends that were getting on my nerves and the others are too busy. The fleeting idea that I may actually meet someone new this way, to date, did cross my mind. But this is not a dating site and it isn't the reason I'm signing up for all this. I'm just pissing in the breeze, hoping my shoes don't get wet. And then I got a message from a 34-year-old regional sales manager asking me how I'm doing. I entertained being nice, and I was dodgy at first, but then I began to ask him questions. He was in the midst of a divorce and had a three-year-old daughter. He had been signed up on this website for months but never attended anything because he's too busy with work and his daughter. "Okay, why are you even talking to me if there is no chance in hell you'd ever be able to meet me?' The thought crossed my mind with a sharp sting. "Wait, why are you even thinking about meeting this guy? He has too much baggage! ABORT! ABORT!!!" Yes, I listened. I ended it friendly and maybe one day I'll get to shake his hand. Amen.

I rustled around in bed, reading from my laptop last night, ignoring my phone. I heard it go off. I checked it and it was my mom, but there was a familiar little name that popped up as well.

"Hi! How are doing?" The Russian said. I intentionally left out "you" because that is how he says this to me. An endearing quality.

"I'm doing just great. No need for your sex. No need to waste my time. No need to continue. Or to respond." I just deleted his message and shrugged. I didn't even have the energy to respond. Haven't heard from him since. I'm tired of being someone's whore. I am done with it. ALL of it. My patience has worn thin. No longer does the time exist for me to allow men to get their kicks and bounce. Not happening anymore. This midnight meat shop is closed due to health violations (mad cow) and not being up to code (crazy nutcase lives inside).

And the crazy nutcase identified a problem with the door (it wouldn't close) leading up to the attic. It must be fixed...At one o'clock in the morning! Yeah! I thought, "Hey, I'll fix this piece of **** right now!!!" I grabbed the hammer and some banging and slamming commenced and continued for about 10 minutes. I was really determined to fix it, but alas, I gave up. I knew it wasn't going to happen, so I sat outside on the covered porch to smoke. I was deep into my readings when I saw a flashlight. "That is NOT the COPS!" Then I hear a walkie talkie and I shrank in my chair. WTF? I only wanted to fix my door!

The officer approached the side of my house looking over my fence with a flashlight. "If I just stay quiet, they'll leave..." I whispered to myself. NOPE! Not happening. "THUD, THUD, THUD!" And I heard the knocking, that authoritative knock on my door that commanded me out of my chair, otherwise the police would be busting the door down. I looked homeless. My hair was in a ponytail that was matted down on one side of my head with flyaways flying everywhere. I was in my super-super-sized T-shirt with a grandpa sweater on and a fashion jacket on top of that. And who could forget my slippers? Don't get me started on those.

I fumbled with the front door to unlock it and answered with a "I'm-such-a-dumb-ass" smile. They told me my neighbor called because she thought someone was breaking into my house (aww, loves) and when I told them what I was doing they just looked at me like, "Are you out of your MIND?" I apologized to them for them wasting their time and thanked them for checking on me. The last part really got me though: the officer asked me, "You're ******* ******* [first name, last name], right?" And I realized I do live near crime, with homeless running rampant on the streets. And I LOOKED like I broke into my own house, "Yes, officer. That's me! :p" Anyway, what would I get a ticket for? Fixing my door? they wished me a good night and were off. I tried to shake the embarrassment off the rest of the morning. That officer was quite delicious though. Maybe I should make a racket more often.

Today I fought with my mom again. Finances are not what they should be and haven't been for quite some time. She came by unannounced and brought me a bag of chips (?) then offered to take me out for some coffee. "Sure."

Earlier today, I apologized to her during our argument. Not for arguing, but when she mentioned I'm going to meet someone eventually, it set me off. My mom was having a good day. She seemed like she did when I was a lot younger. Her mind seemed sound and the best use we could put that to was arguing.

"Mom, I just want to live. I don't even want the house anymore. It's tying me down. I can't get up and leave if I want to. I'm stuck here and it's draining my account. I'm not going to meet anybody. I'm not getting married. And I'm so sorry to tell you this, but you're never going to be a grandmother. It's just...not going to happen."

She looked down, contemplating that, and I saw the hurt on her face. Not just for the fact that she wouldn't be a grandmother, but because her daughter was scared, lonely, and so very angry all the time and there was nothing she could do to change that. Nothing. Not even giving me all the money in the world would change it. And she realized that in that moment that money, for the first time, wouldn't solve this.

In the car, on the way to get coffee, I grumbled about not wanting to go. "You could meet the man of your dreams here! You never know!" My mom said. I looked down and thought to ask her a question: "Was dad the man of your dreams?"

"No, he wasn't. A guy named Willy was. I was seeing him before I met your dad. He was married though and he had a son, so he couldn't leave her. I loved him, but he never told me he loved me. I guess he loved me in his own way. He was from Alabama. I looked him up about a month ago and I found out he died in 2002. He was 46 years old. It's just not right. I wish he wasn't dead. He was my favorite out of all the men I dated before your dad."

I realized that a lot of older women I know and have met always have that one who got away. I don't want that. I want to be with the one who is meant for me. I logged in to my fake facebook profile to look up an old friend, and then I looked up my ex while I was at it. He has unlocked his profile to the world and his pregnant girlfriend seems perfect for him. In all the pictures he is beaming with joy and she is happy as a steaming pile with her pregnant belly. I hope he treats her right. I don't even know him anymore, but wow, it is quite interesting. This is why I don't post my business on facebook. I logged out and closed it down.

I have stomach pain now. It's been ongoing but lately it not only affects me when I'm lying down on my back, but now it's when I sit up too. If I overeat or eat something really greasy, it really flares up. It's uncomfortable, but nothing I can't ignore. I told her about this and added that I wouldn't be seeking treatment for it. I told her I'm not seeking treatment for it because I don't want to know what's wrong. I don't want another problem to deal with. If this is how I'm meant to go, then I'll accept it. I'm not sure what it is, but I don't think it's good. I frequently find myself adjusting positions or laying in ways that help me not to feel it. If it is serious, which it probably isn't anyway, then so be it. I didn't ask for this life and I'm not going to cling to it.

My four day vacation is up. I'm not happy about this. But hey, I guess I need to get back out there to feed myself and the companies that keep my power on. It makes the world go 'round. I wonder what tomorrow will bring. More problems?

Edited December 1, 2014 by LostInTheWild

December 1, 2014

Send your dreams

Where nobody hides

Give your tears

To the tide

No time

No time

There's no end

There is no goodbye

Disappear

With the night

No time

No time

No time

No time

No time

December 8, 2014

This morning I get a text from my mom and she was telling me she had something important to tell me. She said she would have to come over to do this. I am not the person anyone should say that to. Ever. If you want to tell me something you tell me now. Do not dangle a carrot. And for heaven's sake, do NOT make me worry.

I called her. I ask her what the problem is. She started by informing me that she would not tell me over the phone. Big mistake. She would not give me details so I started screaming at her, "IS DAD OKAY? IS HE THERE?" And she told me he was okay but that we really needed to talk and work out some things. HELLS NO.

She hung up on me during my insistence that she just tell me over the phone, like today, like now. Nope. She wouldn't. What she did do, upon my refusal to let her just storm down from where she lives, to my house, to tell me this BIG news, was to text me threatening to leave our city and disown me. **** that. No you don't.

I quickly call my dad who I know is honest and would tell me right away if he knew what was going on. He answers the phone and I ask him what the hell was going on. What he said, I was not expecting, especially at his age (68). What he said, didn't quite register in my mind.

Let me start by saying, I rely on my parents financially for the time being, partially. Where there is a deficit from my income in paying for my home and car, they make up for it. I never asked them to, but I accept the help hoping that I will become more successful at my job and be promoted along the ranks to the point where I won't need anyone ever again. This is happening slowly, but I know it will happen because my job is my primary focus in life and I bust my ass even when I hate or don't feel like doing my job. I work for an excellent company and I have to say, this place will take me places if I stick with it. I see value there.

However, unfortunately I am not there quite yet. I'm a few thousand dollars short on meeting the mark to be financially sound each year and it gets better and better, but this place I moved into is eating a hole in my wallet. I would not be sad to leave here and find a new place that is dirt cheap, cockroach-infested, damp, dark, and dank. I'd rather have money and the capacity to up and leave whenever I want, but it isn't so, and this place offers solidarity and will eventually be an excellent investment once I start renting it out someday. I am torn between being a slave to what I wanted and what I actually had dreamed of. I do not want to be tied down. I'm not unhappy with this choice, this loss of freedom, but I am unhappy that I can't spend my youth pissing in the breeze.

"I'm leaving. I can't stand this woman anymore! She is driving us into debt, there are bill collectors calling here. All she does is smoke and drink sodas then lays up in the bed all day. She shops too much! I'm moving to Alabama with your uncle. I've had it. I am done."

it is no secret they were unhappy. I noticed before I should have that they were not right for each other. I was maybe 4 or 5 years old then, but it was easy to ignore. That is their prerogative to stay in a relationship that no longer serves them if they so choose and it is none of my business. But I have a sinking feeling they stayed together all these years for me. And I never wanted that. Ever.

I drove up to see them and my mother tells me I have one option: to move in with her. I explained that I am too old to do that, I will not, we do not get along as it is, and I will not live in a toxic environment. I saw tears in her eyes but this is something she would have to understand. "You will lose the house then," she tells me. "Well, mom, all I've been doing my whole life is rolling with the punches. I'll figure it out. I will move somewhere else."

Then she became persistent telling me I will be homeless, living on the streets with no car to drive... Um, does she forget that I do have a job that will definitely keep me afloat? If I have to I will pitch a tent nearby work and walk there every day until I find a new place. Seriously. I can't live with her because of this. If there is a negative in a situation...scratch that, if there is NO negative in a situation, this woman will create one and attempt to force me to believe it to manipulate me into doing what she wants. Maybe she is so unhappy because since I was old enough to realize it, I've been bucking her at every turn because I can CLEARLY see that she has only one viewpoint about everything and everyone must do what she wants them to do or she will sulk and ask and ask and ask until the veins are popping out of my neck from screaming at her to stop. She just doesn't get it. I love her, but I can't be close to her in the way she thinks I should be.

I do get along better with my dad, although he is angry all the time and flips at the drop of a hat. He is more gregarious and can definitely see different sides to different situations. In his old age, he has become a great father, one that I wish I had when I was younger. He never attempts to get me to see things from his perspective. He never tries to change my mind. And he always lets me make my own decisions. He even defends me against my mother's CONSTANT pestering - she even pesters me about having a glass of milk! "I don't want chocolate milk," I explain to her. "Are you sure? It's in there. It's really good!" She tells me. "No," I roll my eyes. Ten minutes later: "There is chocolate milk in there if you want some. I bought it at x,y,z." That is just one example of hundreds. Or if we talk about cars or anything, she will inform me and my father that whatever it is we are discussing at the time, it surely can cause an accident (and she will detail the accident that never happened.) I have lived under her overprotective, overbearing personality for far too long. And now she is the most lazy woman in the world.

My dad started freely telling me about her lifestyle and I can tell it disgusts him. She has no friends. She has no hobbies. She has no desire to have either of those two things. She won't cook, but he does - and when he does cook she just chows down, goes outside to smoke one, two, or three, grabs a soda and lays in bed. She will not help him at all. She does get up to shower and get dressed, or will get up to use the bathroom, scribble in her notepad, lays back down, gets up to go outside to smoke...He asks her if she wants to go with him to wash her car...she doesn't want to, but if he washes it for her she is SO happy. He is finding that he is doing everything for her and the three main things she does is lay around, smoke, and eat.

My father didn't know to what extent they were helping me because she never told him. Nice, mom. She lies, too, apparently. Especially to me. I asked her a million times if she told dad what was going on here. YEP! It's covered and he doesn't care...Right...I will never forget the way my dad's face twisted when he found out. I will never forget that he reminded me that I constantly remind them of my age but I still need help? I think he was disappointed.

He asked me about my job and what moves I was making to advance so I told him my plans. What I didn't want to have happen actually did. My mind was abuzz with the newness that could come from this. He would escape and so would I. It would be hard for me of course, but I could get my freedom back - a small apartment and I would have money...And freedom. I wanted him to do it, even though I'd miss him - I want him to be happy and for my mother to get a swift kick in her purse to wake the hell up (ETA: Remember the cake story? My mom only ate one piece, my dad told me. I saw her a week later and she tells me her sister sent her a card with some money in it. She said it with a huge, cheesy grin on her face. I said, "Much better than a cake, huh?" It was a good cake, damn it!). They are WELL OFF...but she has out-of-control spending habits and she. can't. do. that. I don't know the extent of the trouble they have, but they've got income...I don't get it...I think this is her mental illness coming back to haunt us all. Soon, she will not be able to handle finances anymore, my dad admitted. She is not as good as she was with handling money and she's used to his income from when he made a lot of money before retirement.

"I will give you two years. Then I am going to Alabama."

I love my parents. I really do. I want to see them happy and not have to sacrifice anything for me again. I told my dad about the opening coming up that the VP mentioned to me and told me I should pursue it. And I will. For him and for my mom.

But the way he laid down his happiness for me was the most selfless thing I could ever imagine and I never expected him to. I don't want him to do it but how can I decline? My credit would be destroyed for probably 15 years...I wouldn't be able to finance a pack of peanuts. Then again, does that really matter? If it is just me in my life, who the hell cares? I have to think about this seriously. I don't want to rely on them...never did. The funny thing is, I never asked them for any of it. I never ask them for anything.

My mom only does this because she feels guilty that she never had another kid, so it will be just me when they die. I don't want her to feel guilty anymore. I have to do something. All I can do is laugh because I'm advocating divorce here.

Edited December 8, 2014 by LostInTheWild

December 8, 2014

It's tough when you are in a bind with finances. I lived with my parents for several years while saving for a down payment for a house. I didn't really want to, but it was financially prudent. Sometimes, you have to do what is smart in the long term but difficult in the short term. If you can't afford the house, I would sell it. I don't advocate an apartment because that it throwing away money. It's a bad investment. Is it possible to find a smaller house? If it's not possible, I would move back in with your parents until you can get your finances straight. It can be much tougher when you are single because you have only one income. Trust me, I know that.

Look at the positives. You dad is willing to help you. Some parents won't help once you graduate college and move out. I was also lucky in that my parents allowed me to live with them, rent free, in order to save for a house. In the real world, you can't always get what you want immediately. Also consider that many people who appear to have it all (house, car, ect.) are actually in a tremendous amount of debt. Tens of thousands in credit cards and barely making mortgage payments on time. That's no way to live. Unless you have an emergency, never put anything on a credit card that you can't pay off with your next paycheck.

Edited December 8, 2014 by BC1980

December 8, 2014

BC, this is typically why I don't write about finances, but I'm mainly trying to focus on the divorce aspect.

The "help" from my parents is supposed to be temporary only. Not permanent and that was the agreement.

I will not sell the house because I "can" afford it with their help. It's just, difficult to give the full picture here and the way I make it sound is...a nightmare, when really it isn't. I used to rent one of their properties as well, so the help I received from them has been ongoing.

The debts they have incurred over time match with my dad's previous income and my mother is having a hard time adjusting to that...they both are, not just her. It's not a huge loss, but it is noticeable.

Anyway, I would appreciate no further comments on finances as I can't and won't paint the full picture on this. I do know how to handle money and I appreciate the advice for this, but I don't really need the advice, I need a stronger income. And living with my mother (not my parents - dad is planning on leaving at some point) is out of the question. Period. I would rather live in a tent than fight all the time and be harassed. I can't even begin to scratch the surface of my teenage life living with my parents and I won't. This is a hot topic for therapy and I don't even like discussing this there.

This post is one that I do regret writing...Not trying to be a douche, but this is very personal and touchy...

December 8, 2014

It's fine. No harm done. I'm sorry that your relationship with your mother is not what it should be. I had a very volatile relationship with my mother for several years, but I am thankful it is better now. We actually didn't speak for about a year at one point. I was also in therapy at one point to deal with those issues, and it was rough. It's hard when the person who is supposed to support you isn't really capable of doing even the most basic with regards to your emotional well being. I grew up with the constant refrain of "you're not good enough the way you are. You need to change something to be acceptable." I heard that played over and over, and it affects you very detrimentally as an adult, mainly in the way you relate to others. It's especially bad for dating.

The best advice I can give you is to move on and take responsibility. I'm not saying you aren't. I'm just saying what helped me. I blamed her for so long for my problems, and, yes, she did play a part in many of the struggles I had. But I eventually found peace when I forgave and accepted. We actually have a pretty good relationship now. We're not super close, but things are good.

December 8, 2014

Yes...That is what I needed to hear. Thank you, BC.

I'm most afraid of feeling this way towards her and I don't quite know why. I mean I love her and she loves me more than anyone. She is a nice woman, but she isn't all there in her head and I hate, hate, hate that she got sick and always pushed me away as a baby and as a teenager...The only way we bonded was with shopping...

She has schizophrenia. Every year, I watch the medication and the paranoia take her. And maybe I resent her for letting it beat her. Letting everyone beat her...including my father. I just don't know. I don't know how I feel.

There are times when I am terrified she will die and I will never get to apologize for being such a hurtful, horrible, angry daughter (who she loves no matter WHAT). I don't think I can live with that guilt. But I told my therapist this and she says that is just how some dynamics in families are...you can't change it. I just don't know what to do some days, so I try to stay away.

Thanks again. Thank you for understanding.

December 9, 2014

Yes...That is what I needed to hear. Thank you, BC.

I'm most afraid of feeling this way towards her and I don't quite know why. I mean I love her and she loves me more than anyone. She is a nice woman, but she isn't all there in her head and I hate, hate, hate that she got sick and always pushed me away as a baby and as a teenager...The only way we bonded was with shopping...

She has schizophrenia. Every year, I watch the medication and the paranoia take her. And maybe I resent her for letting it beat her. Letting everyone beat her...including my father. I just don't know. I don't know how I feel.

There are times when I am terrified she will die and I will never get to apologize for being such a hurtful, horrible, angry daughter (who she loves no matter WHAT). I don't think I can live with that guilt. But I told my therapist this and she says that is just how some dynamics in families are...you can't change it. I just don't know what to do some days, so I try to stay away.

Thanks again. Thank you for understanding.

Ah, well, a lot of this makes sense now. I'm so glad that you have a therapist you can trust. That is so important. My aunt has schizoaffective disorder, which is schizophrenia combined with a mood disorder (usually anxiety or depression). It's been very difficult to watch her worsen over the years, but there is not much any of us can do about it. Even with the right meds, mental illness is a chronic condition that ebbs and flows. It is insidious and robs the life of the sufferer and the family. I'm sure you know all of this though.

December 19, 2014

Well, it's time to write about something fun. I've been sitting on some stories I've earned from a couple of meetups I've gone to so far. For some reason, it hasn't been so easy to write about my life these days. I'm either busy, thinking, reading, or working out...

And there is Panda. For as long as I live, I will never forget such an entrance from a person into my life.

This was a couple of Saturdays ago. I went to my first meetup in a house not too far from where I live. I was nervous as hell, to be honest. I fumbled around with my umbrella and six-packs of beer, stumbling around in the rain seeking an address when two women approached me asking if I was going to the meetup. We found the house, I walked in, and I lingered around my new found "friends" as we talked about meetups, lives, and the like. It quickly became apparent that these two were seeking a relationship and I found myself wondering if I ever came off like that. It was bad juju. I had to find somewhere else to stand because, remember, I have given up on romance. And I felt better for it. Plus, I didn't want to be associated with women who were seeking men out. It wasn't my idea of fun. Over 40 people showed up, too!

Drinks were flowing, people were friendly, jokes were had. I remember speaking to a guy with my own southern twang and admiring his little t-shirt with a familiar creature on the front. It had no significance to me at that point because I wasn't really looking. I was just enjoying myself. Yet, this guy was playing along with me. He was able to get into "character" with me and we played like this for a while until a giant man came up to butt in. I'll admit I was attracted to the giant, but he was younger, dumber, and more fun.

After a few hours of shenanigans, we all decided to walk to a nearby bar. I went outside to grab my umbrella and the giant stood beside me watching me open it. Once it was open, it was gone right from my hands and I looked up in time to see a giant man running by a fence with MY umbrella...I charged after him laughing because I knew I wouldn't be able to catch him. It was impossible. I was no match. Until I couldn't see him anymore and stopped running, finding myself drunk, alone, getting rained on, worrying about my umbrella when I see him lurking at a corner hiding next to a house. I surprise him and see that he is holding a can of beer. I try to get my umbrella from him, but he took off towards the bar yet again.

Okay, here is where it gets confusing - we get to the bar, nobody wants to pay a cover so they all leave to go to a different bar...and so does giant...and he still has my umbrella. I was determined and obsessed with getting it back...after all, it IS my favorite umbrella. He took off running yet again in the opposite direction. I was at a loss.

Then this guy comes stumbling right across my path. I squint hard to see his shirt...a Panda. "Hey, Panda. What happened to you?" He looked dazed, he was wet, and he shook his head and ran in the opposite direction. What the heck?

So, a group of us decide to meet the other at this other bar. We go in and I search high and low for the giant, wanting revenge, but knowing I couldn't act like a fool for fear of being thrown out. The giant appears, dangling the umbrella over my head. I jump and reach for it and he laughs, still dangling it over my head. And finally, he succumbs, handing me my beloved umbrella. I felt like I had really lost at that point because it was so much fun chasing him down.

At one point, he had left after collecting my number for my dance lessons I apparently offer when I'm completely inebriated. Then I went back to mingling when a Santa hat appeared in my view...Panda was wearing it. I quickly snatched it off his head and danced around the bar. He danced with me while chasing me at the same time. I giggled like a little child every time he got close enough to grab the hat. We did this for like half an hour until they told him to stop. The bouncers never said a word to me...

All in all, it was a very merry night. I went home and went to bed after texting the giant some nonsense. That went nowhere and I had to work overtime the next day.

A week goes by and another party is coming up. I click yes! Of course I would go. It would be amazing if it were like the last time.

I drive up to the house and hear a woman call my name. I snap around wondering who it was and apparently it is someone I had met at the last meetup. I have no fear this time, strolling into a different person's home. Panda walks in with giant. I knew it would be fun then...my dancing buddy was there.

We are all holding beers laughing, talking and having fun. There is a beer pong table in the basement and we chose teams. Panda was on my team. He started off being funny immediately and I laughed the entire time I played. I drank more and more.

I took the giant's glasses (fake - it was a hipster party). I hid around the house with Panda's beanie. If I didn't have the giant's glasses, I had the beanie. Panda chased me all over the place and then we settles on dancing. The music sucked so we were trying to figure out how to change it, he wound up chasing me around some more, then he smacked me...right across my ass. I rolled up a magazine and chased him around, beating him with it.

And I don't know if it was drunkenness of what, but towards the end he was getting more touchy-feely. I wasn't into it for some reason,but then I realized, I was really trying to get the giant's attention even though I knew he wasn't interested (and for what? I wasn't looking). I chalked it up to an attraction thing and let it rest. I still pulled away from Panda. I didn't feel ready for that. I wasn't in the right mindset for it.

He tried helping me find my cigarettes for like half an hour before I left. We searched high and low. They were in my sweater pocket. Somewhere along the line I gave him my number.

I woke up groggy on Sunday, seeking out my phone. I had a lot of text messages, but only one stood out, "Hey, it's Panda."

We have texted every day since and he is the funniest person who is on my level in many ways, but I think he just wants sex. He won't ask me to do anything yet he texts me intermittently all day long. Yet, I find myself being intrigued, wondering when or if he will ask me to do something or if he will just fall out of my life like so many. A possible time waster.

I can identify the fact that I like the attention. I can remember the few times men have texted me all day and there was interest there, but they asked me to do things too. I really enjoy talking to Panda and I think he's growing on me although he is not my type.

Whatever happens in the meantime can only teach me more about life. I know I'm no longer seeking sex, so he has missed that boat. I will friend-zone him fast if he tries (if I see him at a meetup or something because at this rate, nothing's happenin'!).

I hate that I like his attention. I hate that he is the first guy to ever play with me like a little kid. I've never felt so young and whole and fun in all these years of being an adult until this.

The Adventures of Panda...

(It will be hilarious in a week or less when I come back telling you all what an ******* he really is! Seems to always turn out that way!)

December 19, 2014

I received a text from Panda.

He asked me if I'd like to watch a movie with him. I was thinking, "Right...' Get together late at night to watch a movie.'"

These days I'm so paranoid. I'm so paranoid that all men are after ONE thing.

He told me he could come over. I glanced around my house and immediately thought it was a bad idea. Not because of my own issues, but because I'd let my house go. I haven't been around to clean it much. And my TV is in the bedroom. No thanks.

He offered to host so I told him I would. I grabbed a quick shower since I had been at the gym and grabbed my mace. I was intent on spraying him should he try anything.

It was a long drive. It felt as if I was going to work. I laughed to myself as a flurry of thoughts crossed my mind. What if he tried to have sex with me? Well, it has been a while. Can I resist? Of course I can. The internal battles continue.

I pulled up to his apartment and he came out to get me. He is short, maybe a few inches taller than me, and the mix of Asian and Caucasian is apparent in his eyes. He is cute, but really not the type of guy I'd date. But I like his personality and hey, I thought this way about my first boyfriend.

I greeted him and we strolled inside. He held doors and never walked ahead of me. He was a young gentleman and I behaved like a lady, letting him take the lead.

We went into his apartment and I was greeted by the man cave. You know, the guy who has things all over the place like he can't take care of himself. Okay, it wasn't that bad, but it did remind me of my busy lifestyle that keeps me from cleaning and picking up.

He showed me around and we chatted a bit, cracked some jokes and laughed until he asked me what I wanted to watch. We picked a movie and it began. He sat on his sofa and I laid on a huge, life-size teddy bear sitting in his recliner. I love that bear.

About 15 minutes in he found a reason to hop off the sofa and into the recliner next to me. Another 10 minutes later, he had his arm around me. More time passed, and he was stroking my arm. Then I had to use the restroom.

Upon my return, he had ditched Ted and was the sole man in the recliner. I grabbed Ted and threw in on the sofa and laid on too of him to watch the movie. I was in love...with the bear. He was so comfortable. Not 10 minutes later, Panda was behind me laying on the sofa.

His hands found my hips and stroked my side through my jacket. I stared at the television warily. Is this affection? Or is he wanting sex? His hand finally rested as I offered no response other than to snuggle into Ted more. Then I had a request. A request I'd never thought to ask of a man before since being out of a relationship. I hadn't realized that it has been years since I was massaged. My back hurt from all the exercise, the sitting, the worrying.

I asked him to. So he did. And I loved it. He didn't complain or tire of it. I could hear his breath and feel his nervous, steady touch. At one point, he softly touched my neck and I thought I'd pass out. Up and down my back, up and down my sides. I was in heaven for that half hour.

"You're very affectionate," I whispered.

"Is that a bad thing?" He asked.

"No. I'm just not used to it."

In that moment, I felt some self-pity. I realized that I'm so closed, holding everything in — my own desires even, that I've missed out on these types of things. I have forgotten what my needs are. And held on so tightly to my independence, my "me, myself, and I" for so long now that anything I could feel for another is stifled and muted and gone. That part of me is gone. I don't even know what I like in bed anymore.

It was late. Too late. I had to go.

He texted me today. We talked as usual and he knows I'm not looking for sex. But I'm paranoid. I can't let my guard down now.

Edited December 19, 2014 by LostInTheWild

December 24, 2014

What is different? What is new? What can I say that will change my life? What can I write about that will make this any different? Nothing. It's always the same.

I woke up. This day is not like any other day, but nonetheless it is the same. The street sweeper's hum is low and disturbing any chances I have at going back to sleep. My dog curls up around my neck, begging for attention and all the while my mind is focusing, remembering what happened. I push her away. Affection, affection, affection.

I spent the previous day after work in therapy. I told her about Panda and how indifferent he made me feel. "He's not really my type, but...well, you know he's short, not much taller than me but I really like his personality. He texts me every day and he's affectionate - too affectionate even, I'd say. I told him I'm not used to it, but, I let him be affectionate with me. I like it. I'm confused though because I'm not sure what he wants. I don't know if I want to change his ideals of women because I am so different from him. I don't want to hurt him or anything, He's a really decent guy. Do you think attraction can grow? This is very different for me. I don't know," I rambled. "I don't want to have sex with him right away. I want to do things differently. I mean, sure we've fooled around, but we haven't had sex yet (cue the vision of me finally taking it to the next level in a few days). He's really a decent guy, but I'm not sure about him."

This paragraph I explained to my therapist is exactly how conflicted I've felt these past couple of weeks of nonstop texting and hanging out with Panda. I've really opened up to him and it's mainly because I want to be myself in front of him. I've told him things I would never tell any man. I never am so open. I am really trying to change the way I view relationships and I want to respect myself. I want to be the woman that a man looks at one day and thinks, "Wow, she is different. She didn't sleep with me right away. What else about her is interesting? Let me pay attention."

In explaining my hardships to Panda last night, I've realized it wouldn't matter much to me if he stayed or if he left. This year has taught me to not get attached and to keep my distance because one way or another, the man will leave. It's sort of become the norm for me in all areas of my life. My dog I grew up with, who lives with my parents and is on her death bed, when she dies it will hurt, but I am not attached to her. It won't phase me. I love her, but it's the norm. I don't expect anyone or anything to remain a constant in my life that loss is always to be expected, always. It hurts less the less you get attached. I explained this to Panda as well because it's definitely true for me. This is the reality that I've bred for myself based on my casual relationships.

We touched on that topic while discussing sex. I asked him about his viewpoint and explained that I don't want casual sex anymore because at the end of the day, if I wanted to feel empty then I could do it on my own.

I wonder if I've said too much. I wonder if I was too honest. I received a text from him. My ears heated up, my heart raced, my hands shook, my eyes opened wider to glean what I could from his message. Then my heart sank.

I thought we met rather organically, out in the real world making connections with people, the "normal, natural way." I thought this would be different for me. It felt different. The attention I received was over-the-top and off-the-charts. It was a hot pursuit. Until it wasn't.

As it turns out, my nagging voice in the back of my mind screaming, "WHAT THE HELL DOES HE WANT? FIGURE IT OUT," was right all along. He admitted that when he had one opportunity in the throes of passion to sleep with me, he didn't because he listened to what I told him about not wanting anything casual. That is more of what he is looking for rather than a relationship. I think my cheeks are still burning from hearing that.

My graciousness took over me and practicality kicked in. He is nice and I didn't want to be mean to him. "Wow, that is really sweet of you. I appreciate your honesty." He asked me how I felt about that and I told him how I felt. I don't want to use anyone and I don't want anyone using me. I'm past that point in my life. I wished him a Merry Christmas. He wanted to continue talking about tickling me and I told him it was fine if he did, since I know he really likes it. However, I will be pulling the plug on him. He just doesn't know that yet. I imagine he will continue texting me and if he does, to wean myself off since I've become accustomed to it, I will limit myself to 5-6 text messages to him per day...a drastic decline. Until he fades out of my mind and out of my life, like they all have. I hit the kill switch in my mind that has made me desire being close to him and wanting to take it to the next level. I have no feelings. They don't exist.

What has changed? I have.

What has changed in my life? Absolutely nothing.

Edited December 24, 2014 by LostInTheWild

December 31, 2014

I'm afraid tonight, but not as afraid as I could be.

This past week I've been stuck in my mind. My prison. My sanctuary. My wild.

The trees are blooming, the vines are wild, and the air is rich and dewy. It's not dark here anymore. The sunlight is peeking through the canopies of leaves towering over me, reflecting off the droplets of moisture suspended in the warmth around me. The flowers are on the cusp of blooming, and the scent permeates my senses. The aroma is sweet and tantalizingly wonderful. I look up from the cluster of soon-to-be flowers. Dare I say it? There may be a rainbow not far in the distance.

And I'm afraid of what it means to be happy with myself. I'm so afraid of what this means for my future. I am never sad anymore. I am never lonely. I have trials and tribulations but I'm mastering dealing with it all on my own. I am taking care of myself. I am confident. And I am strong.

But what if this makes me so independent I won't be able to love someone again. I have rattled this through my mind for a week or two now. I mull over it driving to work, while running, while staring listlessly at the computer. I see the couples, the families, the lovers, the guys who try with me...I want none of it. At least right now. I'm a loner. I'm an only child. I have no problems entertaining myself. I can't help it. I don't know what to do.

I relish in any attention I get but I find it exhausting. I've discovered that I can be that social butterfly on my terms only. If it's forced, I'm mean and upset. I'm an introvert. I need to unwind after dealing with people. Or I need to prepare to deal with people. There would be no time for love in my life based on my new terms.

Time is unkind. It has made me age. And I'm colder. I know that I can't be nice to everyone anymore. I can't trust anyone but myself anymore. I know the next move of the song and dance before we get to that part. I've seen so much I should be psychic! And I think it's funny.

I don't know what happened. I just started being less bothered and even less bothered with everything until one day, I decided to live the way I want. Enjoy my job. Bring home the bacon. Attend the occasional night out. Read a book. Exercise. Cook something good to live on for a week. Talk to friends. Keep in touch. Get my nails done. Learn to cut my own hair. Be the woman I want to be on my own terms. Next year I will travel alone if I can afford it.

But I'm scared the love I want will walk right by me one day because I've stopped looking for him. Before I know it I'll be all wrinkled up with a house, a job, and maybe a few cats. At least I'll have a good haircut.

Anyway, Panda won't stop texting me. It's got to be an all day thing with him. So this past weekend I told him some things he says sound pretentious through text. He was livid. I laughed as I typed my response up. I told him I'mjust saying what I think. He didn't talk to me for two days. I laughed about it. I think it's hilarious. Punishing me? I'm not in pursuit nor am I swooning for a boy who can't take my opinions and discuss them.

I did not chase. I stayed silent. I almost forgot about him.

Then today he texted me again. I say at work finishing up my day, laughing about the juvenility of it all. I drove to the gym. I looked at the text again. I worked out. Drove home. Then remembered to respond. I waited the entire day to tell him that as long as he understands that I understand I'm not to be treated that way again, we are cool. He said he got mad and needed to cool off a couple of days. Not how I cope at all.

So we get to chatting and I swear he tried to make me jealous or something. He was talking about not knowing which NYE party he should go to. I say it sounds like fun (generic response when I don't give a tit). He says he's hoping to find some single ladies there to kiss for the new year. I told him the more the merrier!

And we almost had another falling out when I suggested he tries to hook up with one. I don't think he expected me to not care. I found that to be funny.

I'm saying, this is to the point where I don't care if I'm alone anymore. I prefer it. Talking all day and being funny all the time is taxing. Or maybe he makes it feel like a job. I don't know.

Sometimes I miss my desperate self. I see she's gone. She left me a note: don't **** this up by getting involved with anyone. Be happy alone. But I miss her because I thought that life was supposed to be torture and loving from afar. Wanting someone. I thought it was about finding someone. I miss the feeling of true love and I'm afraid the longer it's kept away from me, the longer it's never reciprocated, the more I will never be a fulfilling partner. I've forgotten how to please anyone else but myself.

Sigh...

January 2, 2015

I should know by now. I should have learned to keep my inquisitive mouth shut. Inquiring minds always need to know.

His name is Henry. Not the best choice in names for the young generation being born today, but that is my mere opinion. No, that is my weak, underhanded opinion out of spite. I hate my ex.

I loathe him for being happy. I think he is undeserving of happiness. I hope he loses a limb to a pack of wild dogs. And winds up severely disfigured. I hate him. Where is karma? Why has my year been full of karma and his is full of sunshine and rainbows?

He told me when he left I'd have my stuff. My things. My material possessions. And I do. I don't have any family. I don't have love. I have no cares in the world other than myself. People float through my life clinging to rafts and finally breaking free to drift into oblivion. Why does he have people to hold on to? Why is it allowed?

He cursed me. To a life of my things. To a loveless life. To a life where I work and complete menial activities. And he gets to enjoy the life I've always wanted. I am jealous. And angry. He wasted my prime years to find someone who would love me and build a life with me.

It's still possible. I get it. Life hasn't ended because his has begun anew. But it seems so far off. Because of this, I want the things he has even less. It would be...like...settling, if I had the chance to have these things now. If I had the chance to love, it would be meaningless to me now because I'd always wonder if it would be because I'm competing with him in some way. Odd.

It should stop. The asking should stop.

I feel healed from the wounds he caused. Although I ran the other day, and my knee hurt. I will always have that to remember — the night he held me down after he kicked my knee out of it's socket. The pain will remind me into old age. The mistakes I've made and constantly pay for. The opportunities I had to alter my fate, but I stayed. But where is his karma? For this? For what he did? I've paid for my mistakes. It seems unfair.

Oh no....but I'm still happy. How can I be happy? It shouldn't be allowed. With my hand on my knee, rubbing it into old age, I'm determined to forget. To be happy.

Welcome to the world, little one. Be sure to never be like your father.

January 4, 2015

If I could change everything, it would be you as my ex. I think in some way, I'd feel better about it in a sense.

If I could change everything, I would have held you longer in the shower that day.

If I could change everything, I would have told you sooner, so I could forget you as the steam rose off the hot summer streets. You would have left.

If I could change everything, I'd never know that you lied. You lied. But I knew, and I knew as you did.

If I could change the magic that I felt, that I felt, that I knew was real, I'd forget, I'd forget.

If I could change that we never spoke over summer, I'd go back and I'd change it.

If I could change the way we met, I'd make it more professional and full of heart. Instead of lust.

If I could change everything, I'd feel your touch. I'd go inside and tell him he's not my type. And I'd

move on…to you.

To you.

I'd feel you now. I'd miss you later, but you'd be here now.

I don't like anyone.

Except for you.

My European.

You're so different.

I'd have you now, maybe not later, but at least you'd know me.

I miss you so.

I miss you now.

January 4, 2015

Maybe I can fly.

Maybe I can forget sex.

Maybe I can ignore him.

Maybe I don't really want him.

But I'm settling.

I wish I could forget.

On the plus side, I am moving on. He is relatively new. I won't get attached, but he's here.

I can breathe in deeply, and exhale you. He is here and you aren't. I want no one. I don't even want you.

January 16, 2015

I'm beginning to think that everything has happened for a reason, for a purpose, for something I can't begin to imagine.

This year has brought so much joy, pleasure, and love already. I've finally built myself a stable foundation in which I can finally be happy with. I can finally thrive. Despite the bumps and hiccups along the way, and coupled with the fact that this will never change, I wake up every day more hopeful for my future, even if time is not on my side.

I've come to accept everything as it is and as it comes to me. I'm still "seeing" Panda, but I know it's not going to go anywhere. I know that's not what he wants. And I know that's not what I want from him. Things are still good though. I enjoy the companionship. Although I've fallen into another "casual" thing I'm finding it's much better to practice on him to figure out how I want to handle opening myself up to a new relationship. I've discovered that waiting to have sex is more fun. It makes it better when you eventually do have it. It's fun to be open and test people. It's fun to be myself whether or not he's judging me because that doesn't matter. There is no future.

The best part is I can keep my options open. Last year has taught me so many incredible things. I've learned how to let go when it's time. So holding on to Panda won't happen, although he has some endearing qualities.

Work is pure hell. I dread going in some days. Money has improved, however, which gives me a sense of accomplishment even after I've spent a day being enraged.

I've begun thinking about planning a trip alone somewhere, just to explore, relax, and clear my head. Being alone isn't so bad after all. I never thought I'd be okay with it. I've fought it all year long, but now, I'm grateful. Having Panda around here and there has taught me I may need another year or several before I can open my heart again. But if I met someone tomorrow, well, they say when you know, you know. I wonder if it will feel that way.

I still have one person I wish I could have brought into 2015 with me. The memories still make me smile. I can be driving somewhere and my brain just thinks of it, I smile, and calm my mind so I can release the memory so I can release the false hopes and what ifs. A small grieving process, maybe. Maybe not.

My therapist thinks I'm in transition now because I've been asking myself questions. "What can I change about myself? My personality? Is that what makes me unattractive?" I've become so aware of my bleeding personality issues. But she can't answer, how can I change this? I think this one is meant for me to figure out. Remain in transition. Remain in questioning. One day when I'm not looking, it will all click for me.

Cheers to 2015. My fresh start with my new perspective. I hope it brings you all as many fresh starts as you need. Don't give up.

January 18, 2015

I keep seeing couples and hearing songs about relationships. I keep getting butterflies in my stomach about it. Does this sounds crazy? I keep thinking about how happy I am that other people are happy with their partners and their choices in life. Some of my friends have children. Some of my friends aren't as happy as they should be with their lives. Some people are just existing because it's easy. It's easy to stick with what you know.

Suddenly, I feel kind of lucky. The world is a giant oyster still full of hopes and dreams, even if I'm quickly approaching 28 years of age. I still feel 19. Hell, I probably still act like I am.

However, now, I feel like I want to make a big move...

I want to move to New York City or somewhere in Florida. Since I've made a life for myself here, why not move and do it somewhere else? WHO KNOWS WHAT WILL OR CAN HAPPEN???? Of course I'd need a new job. Of course I'd need more money to get there. I am beginning to think I might start saving for this purpose so that in two years, maximum, I will make a move to a big city by myself. It should give me enough time to get a renter for this place. The biggest mistake is staying where you grew up. You never get to experience anything new. Heck, I might pick a country and visit several times before moving there.

You know, I CAN DO THAT! I can just leave! I have no ties. I do have my parents and I know my mom would be on the first flight out to see me, especially if I moved somewhere new! I don't know. It's just a passing thought, but hopefully I can plan for it. This year, I really want to travel. I'm feeling an itch and a burn from sitting in one chair for too long. It's boring in the winter here, it's worse when you have no one, and it's pretty bad when only your parents love you.

Which leads me to this movie I was watching where the girl was smiling at the guy. The guy was aggressively pursuing the girl. They end up in bed, then in love. She looks at him coyly this way. He soaks it up looking in the opposite direction. Then the sun illuminates her eyes and you can see she is gazing in his direction. HIs hair falls in his eyes and he chuckles lovingly. Oh, #lovingbutterflieskisskissxoxoxoxoxoxoooo.

I cannot help but try to remember what THAT ACTUALLY FEELS LIKE. I've dealt with my fair share of rejection in my lifetime, so I know what that feels like. I've been infatuated, in love, in this and in that, but I have NEVER felt that with anyone since the beginning of my relationship with my ex AND had it reciprocated. Not once. Panda thinks I'm a sad story when I tell him of the wrongs and my experiences and what I've learned from it all, but I can't help but feel a small sense of...relief.

I drive to work and try to get into the music I once loved that once gave me feelings of love and love lost. I've tried to empathize with other situations from my friends and the like trying to understand. I try to look over the river and remember what it was like. What the reason was for me initially starting this thread. What the reason was that I felt such heartbreak. What the reason was for my passion for writing. What was the reason??? I can no longer feel it. I don't remember what it's like to feel those feelings. I don't remember what it's like to fart in front of someone for the first time and know they're not going to leave you for it. I don't know what it's like to not always try to look your best. I don't know what it's like to truly be yourself, silly, goofy, joking, lovingly smashing an ice cream cone in your love's face just to see him get worked up. I don't remember the smells of waking up to slept-in skin and having that fresh just-sexed hair. But that is okay in that world. The glow radiating off our bodies in the glistening sun shining in through the windows, just knowing that's what we would be doing for the whole day. Knowing the whole day would be spent together, never having to ask. Making decisions together, like to get a kitten or a puppy, a starter kid. I don't remember what is was like to dream that he would propose. What would that be like? Would I cry? Would I tell everyone? I can't remember what it might feel like to plan a wedding. The dress I'd choose. The shoes I'd wear. The happiness I'd feel. The look on my parent's face when I told them I'd be having a child. I don't remember dreaming that. I don't remember someone loving me. It has been years. Many years.

I can't remember what that is like, even if I could write about it one thousand times and for eternity. I could never capture the essence of living it. It has been nonexistent for almost my entire adult life. I've maybe been able to capture two or three years of it. If I could put that in a bottle and wear it everyday, I swear I would. Just so I can remember. I feel so disconnected with that part of living that I don't even miss it anymore. That makes me sad. I didn't want it to turn out this way but it has. And at this point I can't see myself being with anyone ever again. Yeah, I've got "time," but it goes so quickly. I get a taste of what it might be like here and there and this entertains when I write about it, but there is nothing lasting and meaningful I could continue to write about here. No happy ending except for the fact that I'm FINE on my own. I can survive by myself. Do I want that? Not really. When I get sick and old I will have no one. I've even considered artificial insemination for when I'm in my thirties (I can't believe I'm writing this) because I'm so confident that I won't ever look at someone and feel butterflies again. Or rather, I won't give a man butterflies again (the hardest part to admit). At least I'd have a child to raise and teach and love. I'd do all the feedings, take the maternity leave I'd need, set money aside for the kid on my own, and tell my child it was a product of a one night stand, never to be mentioned until it would be married with a kid on the way. Then I'd give it permission to hate me.

It's very easy. Life is simple and uncomplicated. There is nothing wrong with being single and I enjoy it. HOwever, there is always a little bit more finesse that could be added to any situation and it sucks that I can make ALL OF THESE CHANGES AND WORK SOOOOO HARD, but this....this is the ONE thing in my life that I just can't change and will have to accept.

Although, I am hopeful...

January 31, 2015

Dealing with the two-second fallout over the demise of my "friendship" with Panda, lately I've been reflecting on what it is that I want out of a relationship, should one ever become available to me (we all know what that is). At this point in the game (if we can even call it that anymore, as I have literally given up), I've noticed that I've completely clammed up, my blinders are on and are excruciatingly tight. I can admire a good-looking male from afar or notice a pretty face (I think I'm bisexual now, but would never act on it), but it doesn't seem to be reciprocated ever - what I am attracted to is not attracted to me. I feel unattractive. So, I'm really focusing on myself more...I want to update my wardrobe, make a better salary (seriously looking for a new job closer to home), get some "work" done to preserve a couple of years of attractiveness that have vanished, and find more meaning in the things I enjoy - and I have. I've had alllll this time to figure "me" out without getting wrapped up in drama. I know I'm an introvert. I know what I like. I know what I don't. I know what I will tolerate. I know what I won't. I can play the game of non-attachment quite well now. I know what respect means now. I know what self-respect means. I've been there and done that and can see it coming from a mile away and be able to dodge it before it explodes all over my shirt.

However, I'm really, incredibly, good at pushing people away. I don't know where it comes from. A friend of mine pointed it out when I was talking to Panda. She told me I just pushed him away because I have been hurt, but it was easy to do that because I knew there wasn't a future there. I knew I wasn't attracted to him on any level except he was kind of funny. I used him for target practice because I knew he was attracted to me. I tested him...would he still, STILL talk to me if I said this? What if I gave him the play-by-play of my day? What if I told him I loooved shopping (cue sound of popping, dying brain cells)? What if I told him I didn't give a **** about anything anymore? Or that I'd considered suicide before? Or that maybe sometimes I'm unhappy? The darker I went, the longer I waited, the more I could feel the intensity of his attraction waning. What should I or shouldn't I tell a man? That was my goal to figure out. I learned a lot from him though and I suppose that is the most important take-away from this particular casual experience. I have never done this before and it was interesting. I'm glad he was a champ and listened. Although he was a judgmental little pecker (another reason I couldn't stand him). So when he told me he wanted to go back to being friends..."I'm cool with that." And then his texts trickled in, and I lost complete interest (?) and stopped responding. It was like stomping out an insect. He interrupted my day, every day, a hundred times per day, just with texts. I know now that I cannot stand that. I also couldn't stand what a lousy booty call he was if he was "too tired" to drive out here (I never went to see him...I could care less), even though I drive almost two hours each day (work, gym). Anyway, that's the end of my rant. This happened a few weeks ago. And if ya can't tell...I'M GLAD! I got soooo much work done the next day and enjoyed my "ME" time. If he was around me, I couldn't wait for him to leave. Ugh...Oh, one more thing...waiting for sex is fun! And talking every hour on the hour turns my sex drive off (where's the intrigue??)! I'll have to do that with the next runner-up should he fall into my trap I've laid out in the woods. Lessons learned.

Anyway, nobody has caught my eye...nobody has made me want to pursue (not that I will ever do that again), and nobody has pursued me (except this cute little guy at a Vietnamese restaurant, but he came on too strong when he attempted to pay for my meal but I was afraid he wanted sex). I think my one friend is surprised by that, considering I spent a year in a fog of "will he, won't he?" and ever since the European vanished like a fart in the wind (although I will miss him, always - I guess it's the lingering smell), I've been fine with being alone. I understand that I can't have what I want and I've made peace with that. I understand that life is a treacherous, precious organism in its own right, and it will go the way it has to. Someone wise once said, "When I say everything will turn out the way it's supposed to, I mean you will get what you NEED - not what you necessarily WANT." It feels like being able to do what I want whenever I want is what I need now. If it continues on this way, I think I'm still getting what I need.

Oh yes, why am I posting in the first place? Well, I have a silly story to tell. Sometimes I feel like I'm invisible, a hunter in the brush, leaning back into a thick tree trunk, and watching life happen, and just taking it all in, lost in thought, and lost in my world I've built around myself, yet never truly hunting and never truly looking for anything.

Everything went silent as I sat in my mom's SUV she lent to me to get through poor travel conditions. There's no way I wouldn't have wrecked my daily driver in this messy weather. My routine is pretty much parking at the gym and reading or watching videos - all the things I don't get to enjoy during the day and unwind for a half an hour or so before I go in to work out. I know it's strange, but sometimes I really just don't feel like jumping right into a workout without feeding myself what I have wanted all day. Sometimes I have the urge and want to go right in after I arrive, but most days, I don't. I've been tired lately.

I was engrossed in an article, just finishing it up when I noticed a person standing next to a car across the parking lot out of the corner of my eye. He wasn't there long, perhaps getting something out of his vehicle, but when I looked up he was looking at me. "Oh, he's cute," I thought. Then he walked away and I continued reading for another 20 minutes. I didn't think anything of this at all. It wasn't like he was gawking...he just looked then walked inside. Maybe it was my mom's car...It's annoying - I keep getting compliments on it from guys... I'll be glad to give it back. Haha.

So I finish up, grab my stuff and grudgingly stroll inside. Today is just like any other day. I scanned myself into the gym's system and made way to the ladies locker room to change. As I'm walking in, there is that GUY! And I got a better look at him this time because he was looking me square in the eye and I made sure to dish it right back so I held eye contact with him too (I tried to look friendly but I have a resting bitch face). Then he looked away and kept using the machine he was on. So, this kind of got my attention. It got my attention because I've seen him before and he was on my mental "cute list - guys at the gym." I'm not dead yet and yes, I do notice the cuties. He looks younger than me though and I do not like that at all.

But that is not the highlight. It doesn't end there. I got into the locker room to change (DARN IT! WHY DIDN'T I BRING A CUTE WORKOUT OUTFIT TODAY?) and I came up with a plan. I always weigh myself and then get water before returning to the women's workout area that you go through the locker room to get to. The scale and the water fountain are between the male/female locker rooms. I planned to take my hair out of the floppy, horrible bun I had it in all day and leave it down while I weighed/got water, adjust my clothing so I had a splash of confidence, fix my makeup (I always workout with it on because I'm too lazy to carry wipes with me), and perform the test. Will he go out of his way to come and talk to me? I know he will see me when I go through my normal routine before vanishing into the women's world.

Hypothesis: Attractive male will attempt to strike up conversation with female.

Step One: Walk up to water fountain. Toss hair. Strike a pose while bottle is being filled. Use subtlety, but make actions mean something. Don't think.

Step Two: Upon successful completion of filling water bottle, cap must be screwed on to prevent leakage/spillage. Toss hair. Give side view while walking to scale. Tighten bottle. Move slowly, but naturally.

Step Three: Set water bottle on floor. It will add pounds to scale. Bend over gracefully, but quickly. Step on scale. Look frustrated that a chicken cheese steak could weigh one down so much. Cock head to side. Toss hair. Pretend to pray as needle inches up closer to "fat zone." Begin tying hair up into ponytail.

Step Four: Look to right. Oh ****, he's right there. WTF? He's getting water! AHHH! Toss hair.

Step Five: Turn on heel to get away. Bend over to pick up water. Realize he's done getting a drink and he's been mooned. Walk briskly as if there is something important in locker room.

Step Six: Chuckle and complete workout.

I will never know why he had to get water after working out for 15 minutes max. I can only hope he didn't see my underwear through my leggings.

Conclusion: Test failed.

Edited January 31, 2015 by LostInTheWild

February 10, 2015

It's amazing to me that as time passes, the less I care about meeting someone to share my life with. Sometimes I even deliberately avoid it just to keep my life the way it is. The way I enjoy it. I can do what I want. I can laugh at myself. Even though I only have myself, I can make my own memories and laugh at them when I reflect on my life at the end of the day. I never feel lonely anymore, as crazy as it may sound. I am happy. I am confident in my choices. I'm loving my new friends. I'm loving my life I've built around myself. Up until Saturday night, I couldn't imagine adding anything to it except for a little splash of fun which came in the form of a girls night out request from a girl I met a few months ago. I did my hair, wore modest clothes, and strolled out the door ready to tackle another fun night.

It started off slow...the night was dragging. I ran into my belly dance instructor! I slowly sipped on my drinks while the table was filled with light conversations about our jobs, sex, love lives, and laughs. There were plenty of dull moments where I thought I'd have to get up to leave and go home. Then, one girl suggested going to another bar to do karaoke. So we did.

When we got there, I noticed a huge table of men sitting together. They were all extremely well-groomed and since my area has a large gay community, I thought they were all dating each other. I love gay people, but I had to laugh at my observation - straight men do not usually just go to a bar rolling 80 deep without a woman around, in my experience.

The night dragged on up until I saw a guy who was probably the tallest guy I've ever seen. There hushed giggles at our table as I pointed him out. He had long, shoulder-length black hair. He wore a white suit jacket with dark green corduroy pants and a dark green button-down under his white suit jacket. Very cute and so not my type. I had to laugh as my curiosity got the best of me. I wanted to know how tall he was. I wanted to know if he could be as interesting as he looked. Just maybe.

And it was time to practice my flirty eyes and smile approach. He sat at a table with another lady who had pounced on him before I had the opportunity to even say anything. Over her head though, I saw his eyes meeting mine. And he grabbed his glass with his enormous hands and wait? What was that? Mint green fingernails????????? It was too late to stop the flirting glances as he was already making a beeline in my direction. Long story short, he was 25 years old, worked in a department store selling shoes although he had a degree in architecture, and he can paint his own nails. Way too metrosexual for my tastes. He also had what I would call a "gay voice" although he affirmed his attraction to women and pointed out he was talking to me. I gave him my number knowing I would never speak to him anyway. He kept lingering by our table and I shot looks of plea to my friends as he became even more flirty. I looked past him and another guy sitting with the "gay guys" caught my eye. I gave him the eyes and a sneaky smile. He wouldn't come over to meet me but he smiled back. THe guys looked at me and seemed to tease him a little.

Luckily, my girls decided to get up and request a song to sing, so I did as well. It got me out of my horrible flirting situation I had just put myself in. Why do I do this to myself? I kept asking myself that as I strolled back to my seat, the area now vacant of mint green fingernails' presence. Relief had washed over me but before I could regain my composure, two men approached us. It was the guy I was made eye contact with earlier and his friend was there for moral support I suppose.

This man sat down next to me, put his arm around my chair, and said, "Thank god he's gone. I didn't think he'd ever leave." And I burst into a fit of laughter. He started talking to all of us so I wasn't entirely sure who he was interested in but I looked down at his feet and they were pointing towards me. And I soon felt his hand on my back, lightly running his fingers up down in a small area. So I let him. He was attractive, tall, and in shape. Older, as was my preference. It was as if my prayers had been answered that night.

As we talked more, it started to feel as though I knew him already. He was 32 years old. A pilot in the Air Force (another one...). Single. No children. Confident. Hilarious. And full of smiles and great cheer. It turns out, the small "gay community" that were congregated at that table were all men from the service, a brotherhood, out celebrating for the evening. We closed the bar down.

Once outside, I found he didn't have a coat. He was freezing and laughing about what a poor decision it was to not bring his coat with him. We waited outside for his friend who was still inside and drunk as all hell. My girls were getting impatient because I wanted to wait with him. I had felt a connection like I haven't felt in a really long time. If I had left him there right then, I might have regretted it. I didn't want to regret anything. And I didn't want to hide anymore. He was too much like me to not see this through to the end of the night.

So I waited. My girls left me. And his friend finally came out and we were off. I had told him I wanted to stop and get cigarettes so he walked me to the store. He had confessed he wanted to talk to me earlier in the night but he was way too drunk and couldn't hold a conversation so he spent the night sobering up so he could come over and talk to me. We stood outside chatting for another 45 minutes. He was getting to the point where he was shaking so I offered him a ride to his hotel after he offered to walk me back to my car.

Then he tried to kiss me and I offered my cheek to him. He hugged me and made me feel safe. He honored all of my boundaries like a true gentleman. I was pretty surprised. And he asked if I'd like to go to dinner with him. I agreed as I dropped him off.

The next day was spent in much anticipation. I didn't think it would happen or that he would follow through, but he most certainly did. He exceeded my expectations and took me to a very lavish, expensive restaurant. We laughed and chatted over a decadent meal and he paid. $100.00 - now I'm not the type of person who typically cares about the amount spent, but he didn't even mind doing it. To me, that is a large sum of money to spend on some random you just met. I dunno.

So I suggested going to a bar afterward since I didn't have to work the next day (but he did). He was game for that so I offered to pay for drinks. We got there and after a few drinks I mention to him how I do not feel as short as I am. I feel very tall, even in comparison to others I meet who are taller than me and I couldn't figure out why. He tells me, "It's because you're confident. (He takes my hand) That is what attracted me to you because you were so secure and confident in yourself. It's sexy as hell." I was floored. I had never even considered that as a possibility. All I could tell him was, "It took a long time to get where I am today." And he paid for our drinks too. $50.00. I must be an expensive date.

He has his bachelor's degree. He's working on his master's. He chose the military as his career and plans to retire from it. He does travel frequently and he did tell me that is a reason why his relationships typically don't work out. It's tough on women. I don't know how that will pan out in my case.

He seemed really normal, stable, and kindhearted. So what did I do? Yup. I let him sleep over, however there was no sex. He even made himself late to work because he didn't want to leave me. Crazy right?

Wednesday we are taking a salsa class. I think he really likes me. Stay tuned.

Lost In The Wild

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