dumped2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 That sucks dude. Print them out and it might help you in court. 1
dumped2013 Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 I would also hire a private investigator to come up with some evidence so you can get custody of your child
AZtragedy Posted November 15, 2013 Posted November 15, 2013 So I still have access to some of my STBXW's email accounts. I guess she sent her new guy a picture of my daughter doing something cute. He sent back two responses: First: "Oh my God (STBXW), Thank you, Ill kill and if required die for her you know. Now and always. Love (Small Guy)" Second (Two minutes later): "No different than you actually. Dynamite pair we be!!" It's a bit of insight into this crackhead. I think this guy is very emotionally unbalanced. Right now he's on the high of highs because he won the "prize" of my STBXW. I'm concerned as to what the opposite end of the spectrum is like because I know he has a temper from other reports. oh man, sorry to read about this sort of thing.....what kind of bad movies has this guy been watching to actually say this sort of crap? this sort of talk sure sounds like some thick "fog"....
Author RightThere Posted November 15, 2013 Author Posted November 15, 2013 oh man, sorry to read about this sort of thing.....what kind of bad movies has this guy been watching to actually say this sort of crap? this sort of talk sure sounds like some thick "fog".... I know. It's been a lot of think kind of constant outpouring that is why my STBXW kept telling me he was showing more attention to her. It was constant text messages and emails of "I love you" and "we're meant for each other". I know that this will eventually dry up, but the two of them are so lost in the fog of what they think they are doing, it's unbelievable. I've got the emails saved incase they could be of use in the future. What a loser.
Author RightThere Posted November 20, 2013 Author Posted November 20, 2013 I'm glad I'm in a good head space because I don't know if I could handle all the nonsense my STBXW keeps throwing at me. She comes home yesterday after talking to some finance planner and he has her convinced I'm screwing her over in the separation. I tell her first off, we don't even have anything written down. Second, if she thinks I'm screwing her then she should get a lawyer. I also think the stress of her other man is weighing on her as I think they've had a couple of fights. I just noticed that she is a very paranoid person. More so now because she doesn't own up to her problems right now. It's all someone else's fault. But also I found it rich that after years of screwing me over with affairs, I haven't even actually screwed her over yet in this divorce, but I'm already accused of it. I'm ready to be divorced, but there is a tiny tiny part somewhere inside of me that I know still loves this woman. I need to have that part removed. 2
Author RightThere Posted November 20, 2013 Author Posted November 20, 2013 I think it's because I feel a little sorry for her (I know I shouldn't. It's just how i feel). She will struggle to take care of herself financially on her own. So she's a bit dependent on her new man, where I can already see they're having trouble in paradise. In the back of her mind, I'll bet she's planning her exit strategy with her new man and how she'll take care of herself all on her own. I'm still ready to send her packing. It's just hard to watch someone you once cared about further self destruct. 2
beach Posted November 20, 2013 Posted November 20, 2013 Why not have her leave now? Why is it all on her timeline? She can figure it out - after all she is the one who created this. Take back some of YOUR power - have her leave now. Handing HER all of YOUR power hasn't worked yet - may as well try something new, eh? Things might start changing FOR YOU!
Author RightThere Posted November 20, 2013 Author Posted November 20, 2013 Dec 1 is move out day. I can wait for that because there is no benefit to me to force it today. I'm all about the big picture. I'm not going to try and win small battles here and there fore little or no benefit. Got the mediator scheduled for this week as well. I just need to get to Dec 1 without creating a war and hopefully should move ahead after that. 3
AZtragedy Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 I just noticed that she is a very paranoid person. More so now because she doesn't own up to her problems right now. It's all someone else's fault. But also I found it rich that after years of screwing me over with affairs, I haven't even actually screwed her over yet in this divorce, but I'm already accused of it. I'm ready to be divorced, but there is a tiny tiny part somewhere inside of me that I know still loves this woman. I need to have that part removed. Yes, she is definitely projecting her own problems on to you. She wants you to be the person who is responsible for her misery, rather than herself. This is so similar to my wife now....except in your situation, she comes right out and accuses you of things you have had nothing to do with. I know what you mean about a part of you still loving this person....I, too, cannot help but still feel both love and empathy for her. Maybe part of it is because we both can see how they are not only hurting us, but themselves, ultimately....not that we are all-knowing or anything, but when people make strange, irrational choices that have major consequences, it is sometimes obvious... 1
Jules78 Posted November 21, 2013 Posted November 21, 2013 (edited) My back story: We've been together for 8 years, married for 5. One child (4 years old). I know my wife hasn't been happy for a while, but this week she sent me an email (I know) at work that she wanted to separate for a while. We would trade on and off weeks at our house. She said she wants some space. She said she loves me, but is not "in love" with me anymore. She doesn't feel desired or wanted anymore. She is a very social person so she is always out with her friends. I don't want to stop her, so I've always given her that freedom. I know she is not having a physical affair, but she does bounce from person to person for "emotional affairs". She also has a lot of "family and work baggage" but I seem to get the brunt of her frustration. I'm still in shock right now and I told her I will work very hard to repair our marriage. But I have a question about this "180" approach. If she's feeling ignored and undesired, wouldn't this approach probably push her further away? We've scheduled to go and see a counselor, but this wasn't something I thought I should bring up there. If we schedule some family activity time, should I just act normal during it, and then just give her the "180" the rest of the time? I have my faults in this relationship (I've missed some very important dates over the past year) but I feel like she is pushing all of the responsibility onto me to fix the relationship. Ok next time I reply I will read through all the posts instead of just the first one. Ugh. Best of luck to you! Edited November 21, 2013 by Jules78
Author RightThere Posted November 22, 2013 Author Posted November 22, 2013 Ok next time I reply I will read through all the posts instead of just the first one. Ugh. Best of luck to you! If you have the time, the story took quite a few twists since that first post. I lived it and I still don't believe most of it.
Author RightThere Posted November 22, 2013 Author Posted November 22, 2013 Started mediation yesterday. I think I can buy into it because it's primary focus is that everything is fair between us, but also that our daughter is the primary focus and taken care of. In the end, it may be worse off for me financially, but I can't control the numbers. The mediator specifically ask about introducing new mates to our child. I said I had nothing going on, but that my STBXW had already begun the introductions and was planning on moving her in there in a couple of weeks. He about lost his $&!# when I said that, saying that was a terrible idea and our daughter needed time to adjust to the separation, etc. I just looked at him thinking "you think I don't already know this?" It was just another "a-ha" moment for me in that: 1) What I know about the situation is what everyone else thinks as well. The fog continues to cloud her judgement. 2) This is going to get much worse before it gets better. My STBXW will continue to sink into paranoia that everyone is against her, now including this mediator. If the mediator determines that it is not in the best interests of our child to have her move in with this new loser, then I'm sure the fight will begin. I just don't want this to go on for a long time and cost a lot of money. I'm just trying to focus on the fact that I shouldn't worry about this things I cannot control. 1
Author RightThere Posted November 25, 2013 Author Posted November 25, 2013 I may get my move out day bumped up to Nov 30th (or maybe even the evening of the 29th)! Although I don't think she's ready to have all her crap out and not come back by this weekend, I'm still going to treat it as such. I'm sure I'll be a storage locker for some of her junk for a while because "she just doesn't have room for it" but I'll put a time limit on that once she's out. I have to say, that little *tiny* part of me that longed for the good old days is dying. I finally cracked the rest of her email accounts and went for a little trip down memory lane. The amount of lying that was going on toward me and even these other guys during our supposed "reconciliation" makes me understand better why I was feeling so paranoid about it. I am only left with pity for my STBXW. I can see she is still struggling with moving out, moving in with her new man, and the fear because she still has not told her family what is going on. I'm pushing ahead with severing everything (outside of our daughter) between us and she's still dragging her feet. I will miss many things about her. Last night I was even thinking how much a missed hearing her breath beside me in bed. But my feelings were different this time. I've been trying to equate it similar to a death, but it's a little different for me. I miss it, but I don't want it (from her anyways). I remember the good times, but I don't want new times with her. This was by far the worst experience of my life, but I know I am coming out of it much stronger than even I thought I would. For those reading this and struggling still, keep hanging on. You will find a light switch, turn it one, and everything will become clear again. I owe so much to this forum. Thank you. 5
Author RightThere Posted November 25, 2013 Author Posted November 25, 2013 Ugh. With the "trip down memory lane" comes a lot of memories for myself as well. I'm just going to put this note here for my STBXW because I cannot sent it to her for real. "I'm sorry about how I acted last Christmas. I know that you felt it would have been a turning point for you if you had not miscarried. And how I carried myself then and afterwards was inexcusable. But it would not have changed anything. You were already gone from the relationship before that. And adding another child would have only sunk you further into your downward spiral. I will regret my actions during that time forever, but I won't let it define why we are not together anymore. You chose to do things that were just as hurtful long before then, and continued to do them long after. But I am sorry."
AZtragedy Posted November 26, 2013 Posted November 26, 2013 I will miss many things about her. Last night I was even thinking how much a missed hearing her breath beside me in bed. But my feelings were different this time. I've been trying to equate it similar to a death, but it's a little different for me. I miss it, but I don't want it (from her anyways). I remember the good times, but I don't want new times with her. This was by far the worst experience of my life, but I know I am coming out of it much stronger than even I thought I would. For those reading this and struggling still, keep hanging on. You will find a light switch, turn it one, and everything will become clear again. I owe so much to this forum. Thank you. Thank you for letting us know your thoughts on all of these things....it helps me to read what you have written about and experienced. I am glad to hear you say that you are coming out stronger than you thought you would....that is what I am working on, and hoping for, and is part of what keeps me going every day - thinking that I will be an even better person than before. Keep letting us know how it is going, too. 1
worldgonewrong Posted November 26, 2013 Posted November 26, 2013 I will miss many things about her. Last night I was even thinking how much a missed hearing her breath beside me in bed. Cool thing I discovered: other women can breath beside me in bed, too! (sorry, just trying to make you laugh. ) 3
Author RightThere Posted November 26, 2013 Author Posted November 26, 2013 Colour me shocked, but she's starting to drag her feet. I knew it was coming, but I've been pushing ahead with everything. Last night I got the stressed out talk that "I'm not ready to meet with the mediator this week and I haven't been sleeping well and I won't be able to move ALL my stuff out by this weekend...blah...blah.....blah." Then she looked at me and said "I've really been having trouble sleeping. How have you been sleeping?" Without even flinching I said "Just fine" I know I'm walking a bit of a fine line right now. She's is stressed out and paranoid. If I push too much, things get ugly and legal in a hurry. But if I don't push, she'll do nothing and we won't get anywhere. So it looks like my "move out day" will be more of a soft start, but it's a start. 2
beach Posted November 26, 2013 Posted November 26, 2013 State what you expect. She will need to accommodate accordingly. Of course she's dragging her feet - she wants you to make things easier for her. Don't do that - you must think of what's best for you now. 1
Author RightThere Posted November 26, 2013 Author Posted November 26, 2013 State what you expect. She will need to accommodate accordingly. Of course she's dragging her feet - she wants you to make things easier for her. Don't do that - you must think of what's best for you now. I hear what you are saying. I just want to see if I can get pen on paper for a separation agreement through a mediator. If I can get that done and agreed to, I will save a fortune and will have no problem enforcing it after that. Once I have that document, she can git da &%$# out as far as I'm concerned. Because at that point everything will be documented as to what we want and I won't have to put up with any feet dragging because I'll have what I need from her. 1
Author RightThere Posted November 29, 2013 Author Posted November 29, 2013 So last night my STBXW informs me that she's going to take our daughter for a quick visit over to her new place (i.e. her new man's place) so our daughter can see her new room. She was very excited about it and wanted to stay overnight. My STBXW was really evasive about because I was going out of the house for a bit and she wasn't communicating with me on it. So I finally blew up on her saying I didn't care that they were going to spend the night away, I just needed her to communicate that with me. Truth be told, I had a lot of anxiety about it. They went, sounds like my daughter did eventually get to sleep without much issue. I however had the dawning realization that half of my time was going to be in this quiet place by myself. I'll just need to find things to keep myself busy and plan for the times where my daughter will be home. But it was very sudden to go from a house that has a loud and busy our year old to nothing.
Author RightThere Posted November 29, 2013 Author Posted November 29, 2013 Wow. This is really tough for me. I'll never discuss it with my STBXW, but having my daughter out and about with her and her new man is really giving me anxiety. I know it's stupid to think, but what if my daughter gets what she needs from the new family dynamic my wife created? Am I just redundant now? I think part of the old me would start to fold up my tent and be passive. But I know I need to focus on being a great dad, even if it's 50% of the time. When I get my time with her, we're going to do things together. She needs a strong male in her life, and I will not let my passive aggressive side dominate me into submission. I don't think I was prepared for all this. In my head I knew this alone time was coming, but I'm not quite ready to let go. Probably the opposite experience for my STBXW because she would flake out all the time to go be with her friends and other men. I would stay with our daughter so the alone time my STBXW has already experienced is normal. Got to keep busy.
dumped2013 Posted November 29, 2013 Posted November 29, 2013 Dude, I can't really comment because of the kid thing. I'm D with no kids. I actually am liking being alone. Was at my buddy's Mom's house for a while and at a neighbors. I feel free. I am alone but not lonely. I have no idea why my typing changed. We are only on this earth for a little while. Get happy. I have my music blaring and going to make ME some dinner, It's all good
Author RightThere Posted November 29, 2013 Author Posted November 29, 2013 Dude, I can't really comment because of the kid thing. I'm D with no kids. I actually am liking being alone. Was at my buddy's Mom's house for a while and at a neighbors. I feel free. I am alone but not lonely. I have no idea why my typing changed. We are only on this earth for a little while. Get happy. I have my music blaring and going to make ME some dinner, It's all good Yeah. Alone doesn't bother me. I am alone but not lonely as well. I think I'm just adjusting to the fact that there is another piece of crap in the picture who thinks he can fill my spot. I know that is his intention even if he won't admit it to anyone. And as awful as my STBXW is, I'm pretty confident she won't let this other midget take the spot from my daughter that is mine. She grew up without a good father figure so she know the value of having an involved and loving dad. Just adjusting to the new normal. A couple of stiff drinks tonight and I'll be OK. Then plan for when it's my time with my daughter. Enjoy your weekend my friend. 2
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