He says it will happen in the future...maybe??

[amkxoxo]

So this guy and I went steady for 3 months. He had just gotten out of a relationship and he was hurt and vunerable when he met me. We hit it off so well. He told me I reminded him of his mother, and that he loved her. He told me I had all the attributes he looks for in a girl. He told me I deserve all the niceness in the world and more. We both lived at college and I always sought more from him. I wanted a relationship.

 

When we talked about it he said he was hesitant because he didn't know how his life would be in the summer when we were seperated 3 hours away. He wanted to just let things go naturally and see...so we did. His life has been crappy. He is stressed, depressed, has a medical condition that doesn't help, and is trying to get his life together and get his own place and he has no money. I feel so bad for him and am trying to be supportive, but at the same time I feel like I'm just hanging. I think I must have given off the "I want a relationship" vibe, because I care for him so deeply and want to be with him more than anything. We talked in person and he gave me a cute romantic hug with a head nuzzle into my neck.

 

But when I asked for a kiss he didnt think it was a good idea. He said he feels guilty but he can't give me what I need right now because he isnt ready for a relationship. He wants to get himself in order first and wants to try in the future. He said he still really likes me and won't call us "Just friends" saying "what we have has not title". He said he hopes that when he gets his life together he will be able to wake up and realize that he "can't live without me and needs me in his life". He claims "I would be such a good boyfriend, I would make my whole life about you and be so romantic and want everyone to know you were mine" but he just can't give that to me right now.

 

He thinks I deserve that and he knows he can't do that in his current situation. He told me he doesn't want me waiting around for him because he knows I do and feels guilty. He said I am free to see other people even saying "you haven't dated a ton and maybe you should get it out of your system before me, because I wanna be the last one, the one at the end." Now this hints of the women who have scorned him in the past to look elsewhere. He asked me if I loved him and I told him "I don't know I can't say that right now."

 

I do actually really love him but I feel like without all that stuff he claims he can do for me and a relationship, it won't work. He is very adament about trying in the future, but I'm heartbroken I can't be with the person I love now. I'm obsessive about it, second guessing everything I have done, maybe if I had said this or done this we'd be together. But I can't keep doing that. When I hugged him goodbye I gave him a light hug and he was like "thats the hug I'm gonna get now."

 

I feel like I get so many mixed signals??? At this point I have so much hope I want to wait for him, how do I cope with this situation??

Edited July 4, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[amkxoxo]

If you read my other thread on this subject it will explain more...long story short he has said many times that he truly believes it could work out in the future, and that he isn't ready for a relationship now though he really likes me. I am trying so hard to move on and let my life go but I can't. That little piece of hope lies in the "future" reference and I can't seem to shake him. I love him. He doesn't know this and since he isn't ready for one I think its bad to bring it up now, since I think he is set in his ways. He has a lot of crap to get through in his life. I don't want to be a stress or guilt factor.

 

I literally can't let him go. He invades every thought I have. I get so attached to people. I can't just move on in hopes that we will make it work eventually. He knew I wanted a relationship. I'm just so hung up on him. I rarely meet people who I truly like 100% and that I can give myself to 100%. He's it. I would wait. But everyone around me thinks I should move on. He said he feels guilty and told me I can see others if I meet someone I like.

 

Since I havent dated a lot he said "I would rather you get it out of your system before you get to me. I want to be the last one, the one at the end" I think he has legit fears from his past relationships, they dumped him to see what else was out there. I'm not that kind of person though. Once I like someone/ love them. Its tunnel vision. I don't even see other men. Only them. I don't question it. He's worth waiting for, but its only words, hope, and my attachment. Advice???

Edited July 4, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Carenth]

Stop torturing yourself amkoxoxo. Posting the same thing over and over won't change reality. He doesn't want a relationship with you. Period. That is reality, that is all that matters. Nothing else.

[Carenth]

Advise. Move on stop obsessing, this is really unhealthy this is about the 15th thread you have posted looking for a different outcome to what is a very simple situation. He doesn't want a relationship now or in the future. Move on.

[Simon Phoenix]

He's feeding you lines to make you feel better and to try to be "the nice guy". If this guy had any interest in you he wouldn't risk letting you go. Guys don't act this way to girls they really value romantically. The dishes are done here.

[amkxoxo]

I get what you are all saying but he's not the type of guy to lie. He wouldn't tell me all those things if they weren't true. He dated one of my friends about a year ago and he realized after dating for a while that they weren't a good fit. She just wasn't his type. He immediately went to her and told her that he was not interested in her any longer and told her "you're red, when I'm looking for blue". He has told me that I'm blue. He never told her that he thought maybe someday that they could work out, or it wasn't the right time. He out right told her they were not going to work out. End of their story together. I feel like with me its different. He is so adament about the future and has told me that he feels like when people love each other they could always end up together in the end. Though we have not admitted to loving each other, he feels that he can love me when he is more stable in his life and sees things more clearly. He is struggling so much with finances, school, and his physical and mental health, he feels guilty that he cannot give me what he knows he could if he were better. Those are his words not mine. Then he lists off all the "I would be a great boyfriend..." and all the stuff he would do for me....why say that. Its like rubbing it in my face that I want that and can't get it????Why say all of that why not just end it if you have no intention of being with me or trying to see if things work out?? He didn't think it was a good idea to stay the night with me in my apartment. My mom thinks it wasn't in a breakup kind of way, more in a he didnt know if he could control himself around me??? I really am so puzzled by this boy. He told me that if I find someone else and like them and want to go out with them, that its fine but I should let him know. Why?? If you have no intention of being with me then why would he care???

[Simon Phoenix]

I get what you are all saying but he's not the type of guy to lie. He wouldn't tell me all those things if they weren't true. He dated one of my friends about a year ago and he realized after dating for a while that they weren't a good fit. She just wasn't his type. He immediately went to her and told her that he was not interested in her any longer and told her "you're red, when I'm looking for blue". He has told me that I'm blue. He never told her that he thought maybe someday that they could work out, or it wasn't the right time. He out right told her they were not going to work out. End of their story together. I feel like with me its different. He is so adament about the future and has told me that he feels like when people love each other they could always end up together in the end. Though we have not admitted to loving each other, he feels that he can love me when he is more stable in his life and sees things more clearly. He is struggling so much with finances, school, and his physical and mental health, he feels guilty that he cannot give me what he knows he could if he were better. Those are his words not mine. Then he lists off all the "I would be a great boyfriend..." and all the stuff he would do for me....why say that. Its like rubbing it in my face that I want that and can't get it????Why say all of that why not just end it if you have no intention of being with me or trying to see if things work out?? He didn't think it was a good idea to stay the night with me in my apartment. My mom thinks it wasn't in a breakup kind of way, more in a he didnt know if he could control himself around me??? I really am so puzzled by this boy. He told me that if I find someone else and like them and want to go out with them, that its fine but I should let him know. Why?? If you have no intention of being with me then why would he care???

 

He loves you as a person but he's not in love with you. No matter how many mental gymnastics you do to try to get this to go your way, it's not going to. You are going to drive yourself insane trying to figure out something that isn't even going to be figured out. Men are simple -- when we see what we want, we go out of our way to get it. This guy isn't doing that. This isn't rocket science, his lack of desire to be in a relationship with you is as clear as day. You just refuse to acknowledge it.

[amkxoxo]

Thanks for the comments...its hard because everyone I talk to here says were done. Everyone I talk to in person ...my family, friends, people that know him think we will get back together and have so much hope for us. So I'm torn all the time and I would rather believe we have a chance because it makes me happier at this point. I truly don't know. He and I talked on the phone yesterday and things were okay. I told him I wasn't mad at him and he appreciated it. I'm not putting a huge effort into communicating with him. We agreed that we would still talk so he needs to communicate and talk too. I've got to move on. I need to for my own sanity. I hope he sees what he's missing. If not someone else will snatch me up.

[Simon Phoenix]

Thanks for the comments...its hard because everyone I talk to here says were done. Everyone I talk to in person ...my family, friends, people that know him think we will get back together and have so much hope for us. So I'm torn all the time and I would rather believe we have a chance because it makes me happier at this point. I truly don't know. He and I talked on the phone yesterday and things were okay. I told him I wasn't mad at him and he appreciated it. I'm not putting a huge effort into communicating with him. We agreed that we would still talk so he needs to communicate and talk too. I've got to move on. I need to for my own sanity. I hope he sees what he's missing. If not someone else will snatch me up.

 

Your family and friends are telling you what you want to hear. Simple as that. They mean well, but they aren't doing you any favors. And you need to stop talking to him and move forward.

[amkxoxo]

I know. Like I know I have to move on because it isn't healthy to keep up this way. My friends and family I feel are being very honest. My mom would tell me the truth always And a few of my friends don't like him but are being honest about what they think the situation is...hopeful. I keep replaying things over and over to try and fully understand. He had even said that "we were progressing and heading in a relationship direction towards the end of school and then BAM summer hit and we are standing on a cliff with no where to go." His words that he said the other day. I asked him what would happen if he was returning back to college with me in the fall and he said that we would pick up right where we left off and keep progressing like we were. He seemed so into it at the end of the school year. It stinks that he graduated. I feel like my heart is being ripped to shreds. I'm in a dark cloud that won't go away. There has been only one morning since we last talked that I felt okay for a few hours and was happy. Otherwise I feel like I lost a person so important in my life. This has never happened to me before. I've never felt this way.

[BC1980]

Don't allow him to control you. I wouldn't wait around for someone. Sounds like he wants you there as a backup. Don't allow yourself to fall into that category.

[Archanaart]

I know. Like I know I have to move on because it isn't healthy to keep up this way. My friends and family I feel are being very honest. My mom would tell me the truth always And a few of my friends don't like him but are being honest about what they think the situation is...hopeful. I keep replaying things over and over to try and fully understand. He had even said that "we were progressing and heading in a relationship direction towards the end of school and then BAM summer hit and we are standing on a cliff with no where to go." His words that he said the other day. I asked him what would happen if he was returning back to college with me in the fall and he said that we would pick up right where we left off and keep progressing like we were. He seemed so into it at the end of the school year. It stinks that he graduated. I feel like my heart is being ripped to shreds. I'm in a dark cloud that won't go away. There has been only one morning since we last talked that I felt okay for a few hours and was happy. Otherwise I feel like I lost a person so important in my life. This has never happened to me before. I've never felt this way.

 

My boyfriend and I faced a similar predicament except we have been dating longer than you did which was three months.

 

We dated all school year and he had to move back home for summer. NEVER once did he look at me like let's not date in the summer but we'll pick right where we left off when school begins!!! That's not a relationship!

 

That's not love and he doesn't care for you in that way! Yes I get he's going through his own stuff but he's stringing you along. He needs to grow up and get some b*lls and man up.

 

And you're a fool to believe him and wait.

[amkxoxo]

One more thing I need advice on. I had bought concert tickets for him and I for his graduation present. I was going to give him the tickets at the end of the school year, but decided to wait and see how the summer went. (The concert is in the fall) When we saw each other last week, since it was his last day of summer classes, I surprised him and gave him the ticket. I kept the other one for myself. The first thing he said was "I can't go" I kind of freaked out, and the sheer dissapointment was written on my face. He told me that he had bought the same tickets for him and his brother to go to the same concert. I told him that they were a present and I had them for months and months and wanted to give them to him. I kept apologizing because his reaction wasn't one of great surprise or happiness. He told me to stop because it was the "perfect gift" for him and that it was thoughtful. I still had the ticket in my hand and without thinking I put it back next to my purse next to me. I feel bad thinking about it now because it looks like i took the gift bad, but the environment was so tense. I was stressed, and said "I don't know what I am suppose to do with these now." He asked me if I really even wanted to go to this show, and I said Of course I did I wanted to go with him, and it was his favorite band. He told me that he would sell his tickets, and take his brother to something else. He asked me what I wanted to do with them, since I obviously put it back next to my bag. I told him I didnt know, and he kept asking what I wanted to do with them, and I kept saying I didnt know. He said " well why don't you keep them for a while and think about it. If you still want to go with me then I will sell mine and we'll go. If you want to take someone else, you can do that. If you want to sell them, its up to you, because they are yours." I still have them both, and I don't know what to do with them. I feel bad selling them. And I don't know if I could handle going with a friend, knowing he's there somewhere too. I feel bad using the tickets since they were meant for him and I. I still want to go with him, but don't know how it would be. I also feel bad because he already gave his to his little brother for his birthday, so he would have to sell them .......what should I do???

[Carenth]

Sell them. Move on. For the hundredth time.

[Skalabanan]

Seeing this unfold is quite sad to see.

 

You need to accept the harsh reality that this guy isn't as into you as you are him.

 

I spent my whole uni life with my ex and we'd depart for our family homes every summer but not once did we ever discuss splitting up over it.

 

Why would you risk losing someone you "love" over such a short period of time in the grand scheme of things.

[baRx]

this story is actually very sad to read, like the poster above me stated.

 

i was in a similar situation a few years ago. i was head over heels for a girl who simply didn't feel the same. she said the exact same things he said to you.. she isn't ready for a relationship, she has to get her life together, she can't give me what i want now, etc etc.

 

i found myself doing things that were "meant for her and i" like you did with the concert tickets, except i never had the chance to carry out the action. i posted a lot of threads on another forum about our situation. everyone told me the same thing you're being told. move on, forget it, get over it, etc.

 

it's tough. it's really tough, but i did it eventually. i stopped talking to her for a good 6 months, and what do you know? she came back. she couldn't live her life without me....so we became friends again. she hints here and there that she still has feelings for me, but my mindset, after years of hard work, is finally at a point where i could really care less about a relationship with her. i treat her like i'd treat any one of my buddies.

time will tell what will happen between us, but i'm not sticking around to wait for it.

 

you shouldn't either.

 

is it possible that he could be telling the truth, that he could be just waiting to figure himself out and then one day come running to you? sure it is. but it's not likely.

 

take a break. don't talk to him for 6 months. the first couple are going to be hard, but eventually you'll notice a change in yourself.

 

come back when you've completed this, and then re-read your thread.

 

good luck.

Edited July 5, 2013 by baRx

[amkxoxo]

Thanks for the comments. I appreciate it. I am trying to slowly get him out of my life and my head. Its hard but I need to. I hope he eventually comes back to me like the girl did for you, but I'm not expecting much. He's pretty messed up now and needs to get things straight. I feel bad just selling the tickets and like maybe if we don't talk for a while we could go to the concert together, but that could end horribly wrong too. I have time to decide. I would feel bad selling them and not getting him anything for graduation. I thought of selling them and getting him a little something smaller, then he gets a gift and is not obligated for us to spend an entire night together. Maybe its how im making it seem to you guyd, but we didnt "break up", it was more like a mutual understanding of our boundaries. When I kept asking him if we were just friends, he couldnt answer me. Cause he didnt know. When he finally did answer me he said "What we have, what we are doesn't have a title." because he knows we are more than friends but not relationship status. I can't live like that and he knew it so thats why he told me I could go off and see other people. He felt guilty because I wanted a relationship so badly and I think unknowingly I was like shouting it at him through subtle hints. Im doing a lot better today. i'm actually kind of happy. I'm gonna focus on being my best self and he's gonna miss me.

[Simon Phoenix]

He might miss you, he might not. That shouldn't be your focus. Your focus should be on yourself. Sell the tickets, don't worry about giving him a graduation present, stop living your life for a person who is indifferent to having a relationship with you.

[Bozena]

I actually don't understand, does he really suffers from depression? I mean real depression and not on his mind, because if he really does then he might say the truth. But on the other hand to me it seems that he just wants you to have you there waiting if he doesn't find something better. From each aspect you will see it, he doesn't want to be with you. I know you cannot think that out there, there might be a better person for you, but certainly there is.

When I was at highschool I had my first relationship with a guy. We were dating for 5-6 years. For the first 4 years I was the one chasing him around and tried to convince him to be together. I also did a lot of things back then that i wouldn't do today (but at my 30s I am wiser).

No I never begged him be together, I am not that kind of girl, but he was the one that he was breaking up with me whenever he felt like that and then returning whenever he felt like that and I was the one chasing him or always saying yes when he was returning. In the meanwhile there were a lot of times that he appeared to my back as a friend. After the four years I tried to move on did something with another boy and he came back. Then we started the rest 1,5 year of dating without breaking up and guess what, I was the one who broke up with him in the end. And now I don't want to hear anything from him because he is still chasing me. At that time I thought he was the one and only but now I just hate him. Time heals everything

[amkxoxo]

I appreciate you sharing your experiences. I do think your right time does heal everything. He does ha e diagnosed depression. He suffered a lot in high school and cut himself a bit he once in while still does. He told me he tried committing suicide but it sounded more like an attention getter situation. He isn't as bad now than he was then (not suicidal) but he doesn't believe in anti depressant drugs he told me he feels like he can get through it on his own. Because I feel he has done it before. I didn't want to tell him what to do so I told him maybe he should try them but he said they make him feel bad inside. So I support his personal beliefs. He also had a heart condition which puts him in the hospital once in a while which i think adds to his depressed state. he doesn't have a ton of friends but people do like him and he has a hard time believing that people do. He didn't even think his roommate at school likes him and I convinced him that he did. Sometimes he will be in the hospital for days and will be mia for a while trying to get better from feeling sick. I think people overlook him because of this because they don't hear from him. but I feel like he doesn't make the effort when he is better either. But I don't know for sure. He has complained to me that he wakes up from being sick and has no text messages. So I would text him constantly. And like it didn't seem like anything was good enouj but I don't know.

[amkxoxo]

Seeing this unfold is quite sad to see.

 

You need to accept the harsh reality that this guy isn't as into you as you are him.

 

I spent my whole uni life with my ex and we'd depart for our family homes every summer but not once did we ever discuss splitting up over it.

 

Why would you risk losing someone you "love" over such a short period of time in the grand scheme of things.

 

We never actually split up because school was ending. He was actually very much into it at the end of the school year. We said we would see where it went and continue to go steady but his life and struggles got in the way. At school he said he was afraid of getting in a relationship because of that very reason....his life and health not being ideal and it causing problems. Also a contributing factor was hiss parents on him about not being in a relationship. I Almost think he had a feeling things in his life would turn south because he had said back in school...."I'm not saying no to a relationship just not yet, you never know you could be down at my house in the hot tub drinking or going to your favorite beach near your house" and when I mentioned getting a big paycheck at work he said "well use some of it on yourself, and of course to come to **** ******" where he lives. But his life got in the way. I almost wonder if he wishes things had gone like he had talked about, the positive way of course. I wanted nothing more than to go to his house. Home to want me to come and meet his family and for them to like me. He told me his mother would love me and I reminded him of her and he loves her. He told me his little sister would love me because I'm the nicest person in the world. I can't dwell on what isn't happening only on what I do have. Great family and friends who do care if I'm around. #livinginthepresent

[amkxoxo]

Doing better today. No tears. Still lingering sadness. But I'm spending quality time with my family and friends who help me a lot. I sometimes second guess myself like maybe I didn't do enough to physically show him. Because of my past I'm very shy with intimacy and affection. He was very patient with me. I always would think of things I would like to do with him like grab him and kiss him on campus or hold his hand but I would be too shy to initiate anything. He said he loved PDA but would rarely do anything with me in public. Which I thought was weird since he said many times how much he loved it. I told him I liked it too and he said i was perfect and would look at me in awe. Sometimes we would hold hands or he would nuzzle my neck. Sometimes when people would be over we would sneak off into the kitchen and he would shove me against the walls and we would hastily make out while friends were in the living room. Or once at a small party at his place he called me upstairs for a second and grabbed me to make out in the bathroom. Like did I not do enough? I loved being physically close to him and we would sleep next to each other every night just about. (No sex) seems like he was happy to me. Sorry I'm second guessing myself again. Just remembering good times.ughhhh I miss it. I miss being close to someone.

[BC1980]

If he never comes back to you, he isn't the guy for you, and he would never have committed to you. He will seek you out, at some point, if he really loves you and wants to be with you. Otherwise, he doesn't care enough, and you should be with someone who cares enough. That's hard to accept, but it's the best thing you can do.

[Supergirl1979]

@amkxoxo...

 

I am in a similar situation as yourself. You can either take his words at face value or you can make assumptions that there is a hidden meaning or agenda to his words and put your trust in the naysayers that have assumed he is trying to 'let you down easy'. As cliche as it is, if its meant to be, it will be. All you can do is honor and respect someone's decision and work on learning about yourself in the process. Over analyzing the situation will get you nowhere. All the questioning and contemplation is because you don't trust what he has said to you. Without trust, there is nothing. If you can't trust his words, then you need to reconsider why you can't trust him? If its because he is untrustworthy, let him go. If its because you lack the ability to trust, maybe work on that.

[amkxoxo]

I was very interested in your feedback regarding trust. Its nice to hear it from different angle. before me about more than a year ago he dated one of my friends for a couple months. He ended things with her and she was heartbroken. At the time I barely knew him so just an acquaintance, so of course I was one her side of things. She thought he cheated on her and started spreading nasty rumors about him. I never thought any of them were true because she can be dramatic but I also felt bad for my friend. Well since getting to know him he has told me his side of their story without me even asking and his goes with hers minus all the rumors. His makes more sense to be honest. Everything he has told me has been truthful. My friend has done that to other guys who she felt scorned her...she like exiles them and makes them seem like horrible people when they aren't. I trust him but sometimes I feel like he gets himself into tricky situations where you would not trust him. Like at school he would always go to parties and I would never be invited. Well how the heck do I know what he's doing at these things. He would always sum the night up for me and everything he said always made sense and he always had witnesses. Not that I would even ask because I trust him. He hangs out. lot with this girl who is in love with him and he has told her many times he doesn't like her and will never like her. I trust him its her I don't like being around. Things in his life seem to happen so suddenly too and yes a very last minute person so sometimes it seems like he's making excuses but he really isn't. I do trust his words and I believe what he says that is why I have so much hope. I would be interested in hearing more about your story since its similar...