Why are there no good guys left?

[Eternal Sunshine]

As for attraction thing, yes I need the "spark". But spark to me doesn't have to mean good looking. It's that undefinable factor of combination of looks and personality that draws me to someone.

 

I have been attracted to a variety of guys, short, tall, thin, chubby. In fact, most men I date, my friends don't even find cute, so it's all a matter of taste.

 

Should I form a relationship with a man I feel no sexual spark for? That's what my mother thinks, I just had a conversation with her

 

I think that's far more cruel to the man than rejecting him after few dates...

[Kamille]

Definitely not the whole story...but there's no denying that as you get older, the field thins as the most desirable ones get snatched up.

 

Kinda like when you would pick teams for sports. Who got picked first?

 

That's like going to Rome for a vacation and complaining that "Rome was nice but there are too many tourists".

 

Aren't we for the most part single, ergo part of the slim pickings?

[Babolat]

Why do people have no morals or ethics?

 

I just wish I understood. I don't think women are better but my focus is not women.

 

I had a date last night with this sleazy, slimy guy that just made me want to

 

Every guy I dated in the past year, you could tell in the FIRST month that something was seriously off. Most often significant lies and inconsistencies.

 

I only came across one guy that showed himself to be sincere and genuine (the one I dated recently) but unfortunately I had zero physical chemistry with him

 

It shouldn't be THIS hard to come across someone decent. Especially because I believe myself to be kind, moral and good hearted person.

 

Sent you a Private Message; hope it helps!

[nerd]

I get the feeling I'm no good at generating that spark, because I just don't have the personality for it. But I think I'd be good at the sustained relationship part, after the honeymoon period.

 

But I've never had the chance to find out, so I don't know.

 

I guess that's one vote in favor of going out with people you don't feel that spark for, in hoping that you'd develop a meaningful attraction that would become sexual. But realistically it probably happens so infrequently that you're right, it isn't worth it.

 

That just makes me sad though, because it means my own chances for success seem slim.

[sweetheart5381]

Oh yeah I agree.

 

I'm just trying to point out that there *are* still good people it's just that they look different and have more things going on in their lives.

 

For sure. I'm 38, 13 yrs of committed relationship under my belt. I needed a breather from all the stress!!

 

I have spent a long time (close to 5 yrs) either dating casually, or deciding to be celibate in order to heal fully from a terrible relationship. I was waiting til the time was right, for when the real deal came along.

 

Am glad I waited. In the meantime, I've had many men ask why am I single... it actually scares them that I am not married or committed.

 

Everyone has a story.

 

Now I finally plan on a happy ending and I'm better now than I ever was

[Babolat]

That is also true. As I mentioned in a follow up post, this was just based on my own experiences...which EVERYONE on LS bases their posts on.

 

Mid 40s man here and I have had a great time dating over the past 2+ years. It's a lot different than when I was in my 20s and 30s. I have learned a lot about myself and the maturity level is soooo much better. More baggage for sure as the woman, and me, have been in more relationships that did not work.

[Imajerk17]

I have mixed feelings about this thread. On the one hand, I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting a good guy you feel chemistry with as well.

 

I want a woman who has a good heart and soul but if I'm not admiring the way she looks and moves I won't feel it even if she is Mother Theresa incarnate.

 

On the other hand, yes I do wonder if women are being unrealistic about the "chemistry" part. Surely all of the single young women who've participated in this thread have gone out only once with at least one "good guy but no chemistry" right? What would have happened if you gave it a second date...

 

I like feeling as though I'm being looked out for. That my opinions matter. That he makes me laugh like an idiot. That he makes me want to be the best version of myself, because he likes ME.

 

Nothing wrong with that list at all, but if someone is expecting it to happen, during the first date, is a pretty tall order.

[StanMusial]

That would be the other half of the 'truth' that Kungfujoe stated.

 

I have known men and women who are just like that.

 

The guys are always picking up strippers, bargirls and then wonder why their cars get keyed or she's 'crazy'. The girls are always going gah-gah over some guy who is obviously not relationship material whatsoever.

 

Really I don't have a problem with either scenario. Just be honest and say you wanna date people who aren't relationship material, that you just want to be casual. That's all. Don't date crappy people and then cry for sympathy because nobody's going to buy it.

 

Exactly... the point I tried to make in my own terse manner earlier.

 

I could only pick out a few female posters on here who I actually believe would want a serious relationship.

 

Most people I know would call me a good guy. I'm not perfect, I have flaws and I've made plenty of mistakes. But I can promise you this, here's one good guy that's done with trying to "thread the needle". And trust me, my gf wouldn't have it any other way.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Jerk,

 

If I think like a guy's personality and think he is a good guy, I do give him a few dates and hope it will grow. It never does though, for me

[Drseussgrrl]

I have mixed feelings about this thread. On the one hand, I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting a good guy you feel chemistry with as well.

 

I want a woman who has a good heart and soul but if I'm not admiring the way she looks and moves I won't feel it even if she is Mother Theresa incarnate.

 

On the other hand, yes I do wonder if women are being unrealistic about the "chemistry" part. Surely all of the single young women who've participated in this thread have gone out only once with at least one "good guy but no chemistry" right? What would have happened if you gave it a second date...

 

 

 

Nothing wrong with that list at all, but if someone is expecting it to happen, during the first date, is a pretty tall order.

 

Yeah but the times I didn't listen to my gut, it failed miserably. As was the case the past few times I thought I should have just "given it a shot".

 

And actually - I have been out with men who made me feel those things on the first date. The last one I was with for four years.

[Babolat]

I get the feeling I'm no good at generating that spark, because I just don't have the personality for it. But I think I'd be good at the sustained relationship part, after the honeymoon period.

 

But I've never had the chance to find out, so I don't know.

 

I guess that's one vote in favor of going out with people you don't feel that spark for, in hoping that you'd develop a meaningful attraction that would become sexual. But realistically it probably happens so infrequently that you're right, it isn't worth it.

 

That just makes me sad though, because it means my own chances for success seem slim.

 

The spark cannot be controlled or generated; it's jsut there. Sometimes I meet a woman and within seconds you just feel something, unexplainable..I call it energy. I feed off of peoples energy and I can usually read people within minutes.

 

I have dated playboy looking like woman, I have dated what some would call a plain Jane. Some of my friends tell me after a break up the girl did not "match" my level of looks; meaning I am good looking I guess and could do better than her. I get that; we can't control who we are attracted to.

[Kamille]

 

On the other hand, yes I do wonder if women are being unrealistic about the "chemistry" part. Surely all of the single young women who've participated in this thread have gone out only once with at least one "good guy but no chemistry" right? What would have happened if you gave it a second date...

 

 

 

 

I'm curious. Do you mean to say you've never been on a date where you thought she was great but weren't really that into her?

 

Because let me tell you, chemistry matters to the men I have met through OLD.

[Southern Cal Dude]

There's many good guys out there. OP probably labels them boring or unattractive.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Sent you a Private Message; hope it helps!

 

Thanks for that. It cheered me up a bit

[Eternal Sunshine]

The spark cannot be controlled or generated; it's jsut there. Sometimes I meet a woman and within seconds you just feel something, unexplainable..I call it energy. I feed off of peoples energy and I can usually read people within minutes.

 

I have dated playboy looking like woman, I have dated what some would call a plain Jane. Some of my friends tell me after a break up the girl did not "match" my level of looks; meaning I am good looking I guess and could do better than her. I get that; we can't control who we are attracted to.

 

Absolutely agree with the bolded.

[hppr]

I actually think ES needs to raise her standards.

 

I agree but what standards are you thinking of? PS I think I have a good bead on the standards she should 'raise' from my own life experience but I want to hear your thoughts on the matter.

[sweetheart5381]

Mid 40s man here and I have had a great time dating over the past 2+ years. It's a lot different than when I was in my 20s and 30s. I have learned a lot about myself and the maturity level is soooo much better. More baggage for sure as the woman, and me, have been in more relationships that did not work.

 

Yes, absolutely.

 

Sometimes you have to experience failure to truly enjoy success.

 

Am with a great guy now... he and I have similar backgrounds. Single parents, failed marriages/long term relationships. We are both very mature and had to grow up fast.

 

We can identify with one another, we see the world the same.

 

It's awesome when you meet your match, so to speak.

 

The dating pool is full of folks that are very different - but at least with maturity comes respect for pain, learning and growing as a person.

 

Baggage is not bad, so long as it's kept "in check".

[Babolat]

Thanks for that. It cheered me up a bit

 

You are welcome; I did not feel like getting flamed here, thus the PM.

[nerd]

The spark cannot be controlled or generated; it's jsut there. Sometimes I meet a woman and within seconds you just feel something, unexplainable..I call it energy. I feed off of peoples energy and I can usually read people within minutes.

 

 

I've experienced the same phenomenon. But I've also experienced slowly growing attraction to someone over months, who was initially a friend, then a better friend, and then I also realized that I was interested in her sexually.

 

But then, that was never reciprocated. But I've witnessed the same where women would become (slowly) attracted to a man they weren't originally interested in.

 

But it takes repeated exposure to someone, not just the initial random meeting, a couple dates, and then rejection. So it's a different paradigm, where for some reason you're already in the same social circle.

[hppr]

If you'd be reading the breaking up board, you'd find out that most of the girls who were dumped were treating their exes (cheaters, jerks) really well

 

There are two sides to every story.

 

Lots of people come looking for sympathy and try to sell themselves as the victim. Sometimes it's true but not always.

[dasein]

I have been attracted to a variety of guys, short, tall, thin, chubby. In fact, most men I date, my friends don't even find cute, so it's all a matter of taste.

 

Should I form a relationship with a man I feel no sexual spark for? That's what my mother thinks, I just had a conversation with her

 

I think that's far more cruel to the man than rejecting him after few dates...

 

I've read your threads. You could have done a much better job with the thread title on this one, and it is inherently inflammatory. I think you know this though.

 

Moreover, you have in the past, unless I have you confused and I don't think I do, posted that you are only attracted to "hot" men. This directly conflicts with the quoted portion above. You have posted many threads about things that go awry with these "hot" men, and their various flaws. That's fine, your preferences are what they are. But given that, then to title the thread as you have? Over the top and annoying, sorry to say.

 

It would be as if, given my posting history, I made a thread titled, "why can't I find a soulmate?"

[Mr.Mango]

I feel ya ES, don't give up. Based on your example there really isn't anything to defend on that front. That just sounds unfortunate.

 

First meeting on a date (especially on OLD) is always a gamble, so you need to take that into account. I'd say you need some good luck to not only find a decent guy that way, but have him be compatible with you.

 

In my own experience I've always had more luck by not taking the traditional dating routes when getting to know people. If you don't go out with the mindset of "I need to meet a man!" it's a lot easier to put yourself in a comfortable social environment. I've met almost all my ex's through people that I already enjoyed being with to begin with. It's also nice because it gives you time and space to do some quality check (which goes both ways).

 

My last girlfriend was actually not all that impressed with me when I met her through some friends. Sure she thought I was attractive (but then again, lots of people are) but I initially didn't even get close to being considered an option. She even told me off in the beginning, stating I was arrogant and had a negative mindset. At the time the idea of dating her didn't cross my mind, so I kept doing my own thing and through mutual friends running into her. In the end she fell for me because over the course of time I showcased to her that I had decent qualities I chose to uphold for my own reasons, not for dating or sex. Maturity and good qualities are often hidden under a blanket of simplicity. I don't feel the need to strut around my morals or ethics because in the end they only really make an impact on my own life. So it will always take time for people to see them, it's not like showcasing muscle from going to the gym.

 

I also don't believe a spark is all that crucial. I've often started with nothing, gotten a pathetically small flame and built it over time into a fire. Looks only go so far, sure they are important, but they are very static. If anything, in the past I've grown affection for people based on how they are as a person, but that's just my experience.

[Babolat]

Absolutely agree with the bolded.

What I am doing now, instead of rushing into dating (sex, intimacy, affection, etc) I am holding back and spending time being friends first. I am volunteering that up front too.

 

It's working as I am discovering that I truly just want a friendship sometimes and, as I learn more about them, and I know they are not dating material, it's easier as there is no break up or uncomfortableness. I am also learning a lot about myself and woman doing this.

[MrCastle]

I've read your threads. You could have done a much better job with the thread title on this one, and it is inherently inflammatory. I think you know this though.[/Quote]

 

I think it was a simple venting of frustration. At some point, dating woes take their toll. I don't think she meant statistically speaking all good men are gone. I think she was voicing her frustration. Yeah, if a guy said it he would get flammed, but I think most people wouldn't take the title so literally and just took it to mean he was having a rough time.

 

Moreover, you have in the past, unless I have you confused and I don't think I do, posted that you are only attracted to "hot" men. This directly conflicts with the quoted portion above. You have posted many threads about things that go awry with these "hot" men, and their various flaws. That's fine, your preferences are what they are. But given that, then to title the thread as you have? Over the top and annoying, sorry to say.

 

I think you may be confusing her with other posters. There are women who have said that, and I believe some have posted in this very thread, but OP is not one of them.

[TheBigQuestion]

There's no doubt in my mind that if some of the generalizations about men made in this thread were made in an equivalent thread about women, the response would be nowhere near as friendly. Just worth pointing out the blatant hypocrisy.

 

ES, there really is no shortage of good relationship prospects out there. Either you're looking in the wrong places or you evaluate men by the wrong standards (not necessarily "high" or "low" standards, just the wrong ones). It really is that simple. You know your dating patterns better than anyone else here, so it's up to you to identify which ones are bad. Also, ES, I've been posting on this board for a long time. You're not a bad person by any means, and I actually think that the honesty with which you describe your dating faux pas is quite courageous. However, given just how you've conducted yourself on past dates and in relationships, you aren't in any position to take the "moral" high ground on anything.