Why are there no good guys left?

[Eternal Sunshine]

My mom just wants me with a guy now, the quality doesn't matter much

 

My mum has only one criteria in a guy for me: wants to marry me ASAP. I am not even joking.

[Eternal Sunshine]

You certainly have the propensity to raise the subject that agitates the masses. I am not sure it is necessarily 'a good thing'.

 

You want attention, but not on this scale nor of this sort. I am pretty sure of that.

 

It's just a whacky, 'out-there' idea, but how about asking yourself more practical and less profound questions, such as:

 

"Assuming there are normal guys out there, why do I have problems either hunting them down or, indeed attracting them"?

 

The problem with that more practically grounded, direct approach is that it starts to ask questions of yourself, rather than questions about everyone and everything else. Asking those questions of yourself is damn awkward and less than self-validating. Nevertheless, does it have virtue, or does it not?

 

It wasn't my intention agitate or create drama. I came home from a bad date and I felt frustrated. That's the first thing that came to my mind "why are there no good men left?" If you haven't noticed, I am largely absent from this thread because it went in a direction I didn't want. Why women are shallow and only go for j-erks blah blah.. It's been done to death.

[Eternal Sunshine]

This douche-horrible-date guy just called again. I blew him off yesterday and today I didn't pick up a phone. I don't think I need to explain myself after one date where he was a total di ck.

 

I am REALLY tempted to tell him off, only in my experience telling a man off just involves too much drama. It also somehow makes them pursue even harder, and I don't want to be hassled

[carhill]

IMO, silence sandwich is healthier and provides more fiber to move things out of one's system.

 

Though I haven't had to do it with any women, I'll take an unwanted number and add it to my provider's blocked number list and they get the black hole. If available and this guy persists, nuke him.

[sillyanswer]

This douche-horrible-date guy just called again. I blew him off yesterday and today I didn't pick up a phone. I don't think I need to explain myself after one date where he was a total di ck.

 

You're right... after 1 date you don't need to explain why there won't be a second date (regardless of the reason).

 

Did he leave a message?

[mesmerized]

My mum has only one criteria in a guy for me: wants to marry me ASAP. I am not even joking.

 

I'm sure my mom will feel the same way when I'm in my thirties...I told my mom she should stay away of my dating life and never talks about men with me. Because when she does, it's all nagging about why I don't have a boyfriend.

[Drseussgrrl]

Sure. You're not with any of those men now though.

 

 

I'm not trying to pick on you drseussgrrl. You're easily one of the most level-headed posters around. You clearly go for good guys and when a guy turns out to not be good you're great at cutting your losses and moving on.

 

My point to the women on this forum is that if all you seem to be meeting are "great guys but no chemistry" or douchebags, or even amazing guys who don't call you again, why not consider giving the "great guys but no chemistry" a second date. I really think you women are meeting more of these types of guys than you realize. I said a second date. I didn't say sex a relationship or marriage. (I get that ES gave it a month w the last guy she saw... I'm talking the single women reading this thread.)

 

EDIT: AND to make sure that you are treating the men you meet with respect. You can't be complaining about the douches you meet IF you are flaking on people or blowing off the decent guys whom you didn't feel chemistry with (ignoring all texts and phone calls after a so-so first date). Karma doesn't work that way...

 

With the last dude I did give him a second chance and we had a lot of fun for about a month. He was great for a little while.

 

And welp, we all see how that turned out.

 

The guys I've had successful LTR's with I knew right from the get-go that we were going to be a good match. And I just have to trust my gut from now on. I have to.

 

The reason I'm not with my ex of four years has nothing to do with the type/quality of guy he was. He was actually a wonderful, generous, thoughtful and supportive partner. We were incompatible in many ways, however, and getting married would have been a mistake.

 

So here I am dating again. If I'm being honest with myself, I was largely emotionally unavailable for the past year and a half or so and would date men I know I couldn't take seriously.

 

But after doing a lot of introspection, therapy, attitude adjustment and getting real with myself, I know what I want. I just do. I know what makes me happy, what lights my fire, what inspires me to be a great girlfriend.

 

He's out there - I know it. Not giving up, either.

[Imajerk17]

With the last dude I did give him a second chance and we had a lot of fun for about a month. He was great for a little while.

 

And welp, we all see how that turned out.

 

The guys I've had successful LTR's with I knew right from the get-go that we were going to be a good match. And I just have to trust my gut from now on. I have to.

 

The reason I'm not with my ex of four years has nothing to do with the type/quality of guy he was. He was actually a wonderful, generous, thoughtful and supportive partner. We were incompatible in many ways, however, and getting married would have been a mistake.

 

So here I am dating again. If I'm being honest with myself, I was largely emotionally unavailable for the past year and a half or so and would date men I know I couldn't take seriously.

 

But after doing a lot of introspection, therapy, attitude adjustment and getting real with myself, I know what I want. I just do. I know what makes me happy, what lights my fire, what inspires me to be a great girlfriend.

 

He's out there - I know it. Not giving up, either.

 

Good for you. You deserve someone awesome.

 

BUT I still submit that going by first date chemistry is a crazy selection strategy. The evidence is out there--there are a lot more women who are in awesome relationships with guys who didn't really grow on them until a few weeks or even months knowing them.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Good for you. You deserve someone awesome.

 

BUT I still submit that going by first date chemistry is a crazy selection strategy. The evidence is out there--there are a lot more women who are in awesome relationships with guys who didn't really grow on them until a few weeks or even months knowing them.

 

Not crazy chemistry but something has to click. It has clicked with every guy I had a longish R with. It's this gut feeling that you could see yourself with this person. Hard to explain.

 

When I am unsure about if we click or not, in every single case it turned out that we didn't.

[Imajerk17]

Not crazy chemistry but something has to click. It has clicked with every guy I had a longish R with. It's this gut feeling that you could see yourself with this person. Hard to explain.

 

When I am unsure about if we click or not, in every single case it turned out that we didn't.

 

I'd just advise anyone to screen for the right things--character as much as chemistry. Including us guys. We tend to be blinded by "looks" to an extent that does not serve us--myself included from time to time.

[mesmerized]

Good for you. You deserve someone awesome.

 

BUT I still submit that going by first date chemistry is a crazy selection strategy. The evidence is out there--there are a lot more women who are in awesome relationships with guys who didn't really grow on them until a few weeks or even months knowing them.

 

Some of us know ourselves well enough to know men won't just grow on us. And honestly I don't think dating should feel like a chore...forcing yourself to go out with someone you're not attracted to hoping it works. Thinking about it more, it's actually such a dumb idea! I wonder though why do women always get this piece of advice? Why is it so acceptable for men to go after who they are very attracted to but not for women?

[Woggle]

Some of us know ourselves well enough to know men won't just grow on us. And honestly I don't think dating should feel like a chore...forcing yourself to go out with someone you're not attracted to hoping it works. Thinking about it more, it's actually such a dumb idea! I wonder though why do women always get this piece of advice? Why is it so acceptable for men to go after who they are very attracted to but not for women?

 

If a friend of mine was only going after perfect looking models and then complaining that there are no good women I would say the same thing. Believe it or not men for the most part don't have that approach to dating.

[Legatus]

Good guys are hard to find because in current times - good usually means also "not-so-socially-available".

 

I can't say I'm perfect, but have always been reasonable, polite and had the respect for every woman I have met. But since the late teens you notice girls you like with guys who do not respect girls. Of course it's "that period" of girls' life when they tend to look for those types of guys.

 

Unfortunately that sticks forever. The label. Good guys are usually quieter than all the others because they open up only when they feel a bit more comfortable. Someone who can practically pick up women at any time and any place - well they don't have to worry about rejection or self-esteem, as it's already sky-high...

 

That's my little opinion. I was always proud of being one of those good, reasonable, sometimes considered "grumpy" just because my exterior says "I take my life seriously". The hard truth is if you don't show it - you can't count on other people to see it, or even wanting to see it. And there goes the neverending circle..

[mesmerized]

If a friend of mine was only going after perfect looking models and then complaining that there are no good women I would say the same thing. Believe it or not men for the most part don't have that approach to dating.

 

Believe it or not, nor do women! That's exactly why you see more couples where the woman is more attractive than the other way around.

[PJKino]

Why is it so acceptable for men to go after who they are very attracted to but not for women?

 

??

 

When any gender struggles people say to lower their expectations..If a man cant get dates on heres hes attacked and its assumed hes only going after supermodels

[Woggle]

Believe it or not, nor do women! That's exactly why you see more couples where the woman is more attractive than the other way around.

 

True but most women who constantly complain that there are no good men tend to be like that.

[Southern Cal Dude]

Believe it or not, nor do women! That's exactly why you see more couples where the woman is more attractive than the other way around.

 

 

But men don't judge women on income, social status, the kind of car she drives, or her friends.

[Woggle]

I am not quite sure what people mean by social status anyway. As long as I have the resources to do what I want I don't give two damns about what my status is. This isn't high school where you have to be in with the cook kids.

[mesmerized]

True but most women who constantly complain that there are no good men tend to be like that.

 

Meh, I don't want a super model, as long as he has a good body I'm happy. I don't even care that much about face. I highly doubt other women on this thread are after super models either.

 

But men don't judge women on income, social status, the kind of car she drives, or her friends.

 

Depends on where you live and what social circle you hang out with, they totally do.

[Drseussgrrl]

I don't know how many times I have to say this: A guy doesn't have to be gorgeous for me to click with him.

 

I don't go after perfectly handsome dudes. Chemistry is so much more complex than that, for me.

[Southern Cal Dude]

Depends on where you live and what social circle you hang out with, they totally do.

 

 

Men have no biological incentive to judge women on the other things I mentioned. Plus too many loser men(and calling them men is a stretch) reward women just for looking good.

[Woggle]

Also many who complain there are no good guys tend to be commitment phobes who chase unavailable men. The OP has outright admitted that. How is that men's fault?

[mesmerized]

Men have no biological incentive to judge women on the other things I mentioned. Plus too many loser men(and calling them men is a stretch) reward women just for looking good.

 

Well, apparently they have other incentives! Because where I live your job, education and all that totally matters. If you live in a small town yeah, men wouldn't care if you worked in Mcdolands maybe. I've had many, many men tell me they wouldn't settle for a woman with low status education and job.

[Woggle]

Well, apparently they have other incentives! Because where I live your job, education and all that totally matters. If you live in a small town yeah, men wouldn't care if you worked in Mcdolands maybe. I've had many, many men tell me they wouldn't settle for a woman with low status education and job.

 

You seem to live in a very shallow place. I actually have a certain contempt for upper class yuppie types. When I am forced to deal with them I resist the urge to tell to eff themselves.

[Imajerk17]

Believe it or not, nor do women! That's exactly why you see more couples where the woman is more attractive than the other way around.

 

Yes indeed, women don't care all that much about "looks" (no matter what the struggling fellas on LS insist). BUT STILL OVERALL, women are a lot pickier than men overall. You tend to decline first and second dates at a much higher rate than men do. I want to re-emphasize that the reason why you decline a second date is not because the guy you met wasn't good-looking enough, it was instead because you didn't feel "the chemistry" or "spark" or whatever.

 

At the risk of making our gender looking too easy, most guys really want a girl they find cute who is into them. We don't need a first date that could be in your favorite rom-com.

 

Anyway, I would advise anyone (male or female): If your selection strategy is working for you, then stick with it. If it is not, then maybe you ought to switch it up.