Ladies: Dating men who have had 'FWB'

May 30, 2013

... and about the FWB 'label'... if it really was mutual... I'd have a hard time arguing against it... Just in the case of this particular individual... I had my doubts it was really agreed to or that she even knew she was considered a FWB... and the fact that she and I had so many similarities (at least from his description)... I REALLY had my doubts he was pursuing a serious relationship with me even though he said he was.

His actions didn't indicate it. His actions seemed to indicate putting in the bare minimum needed to keep my interest...not building a loving, intimate relationship. That wasn't nice. At all. So, I consider myself smart... not hateful... for sending him on his way.

Perhaps the solution is simply to chalk this up to a me and him thing... and not a 'FWB' thing. I dunno. I'll take it on a case by case basis... is the best I can do right now.

Edited May 30, 2013 by RedRobin

May 30, 2013

I REALLY had my doubts he was pursuing a serious relationship with me even though he said he was.

His actions didn't indicate it. His actions seemed to indicate putting in the bare minimum needed to keep my interest...not building a loving, intimate relationship. That wasn't nice. At all. So, I consider myself smart... not hateful... for sending him on his way.

Perhaps the solution is simply to chalk this up to a me and him thing... and not a 'FWB' thing. I dunno. I'll take it on a case by case basis... is the best I can do right now.

You went with your intuition and with some knowledge that brought up concerns for you. I bet you did the right thing by doing so. 2 months was a fair try. The only way it could have been wrong to end it is if, down the road, you regret having done so. It doesn't sound like you will.

Better luck next time though!

May 30, 2013

You went with your intuition and with some knowledge that brought up concerns for you. I bet you did the right thing by doing so. 2 months was a fair try. The only way it could have been wrong to end it is if, down the road, you regret having done so. It doesn't sound like you will.

Better luck next time though!

Thank you!

... and on a more positive note... being down with my parents and former professor the past couple of weeks in a region of the US that is vibrant and growing is giving me some fresh perspective on all of this...

May 30, 2013

I would just like to add that one of the most dispicable attitudes IMO is that of a man who believes he should "sow his wild oats" and then demands a mate with a "low number" and views other women as "damaged goods."

Fairly certain this is either PUA nonsense or insecurity, or both.

"She's less likely to cheat on me or leave me if she hasn't been with men she's attracted to in the past".

What kind of reasoning is that?

May 30, 2013

We have a difference of opinion when it comes to FWB and men who pursue them or are in them.

My reasons why I don't like men who have FWB are personal to ME. You don't have to make it personal to you.

Anyway, my impression is that the attacks on me have less to do with me, and more to do with the fact that these guys don't like being judged by the same criteria they judge women...

....and they have been socialized to believe that when they get done with their messing around, that a woman who hasn't done the things he has done will be waiting with open arms to redeem him through her love and make everything ok. (cue cheesy music...)

I understand the fantasy... It is a nice one... but it isn't fair to the woman to expect her to take that risk... especially when these same guys wouldn't take that risk for a similar woman as him.

I took issue with the men being user comments and the comments like men get away with bad behavior. You not liking FWB is all your choice and no problem with me.

May 31, 2013

I believe you to be a misandrist. A bitter one at that. End of thread. I can't believe it got so much attention.

Well, if guys with the double standards weren't so afraid of actually dating and loving women who share their sexual values... maybe they wouldn't feel the need to convince women (like me) who don't share their sexual values that they are A-OK and we should take a chance on them.

The fact that the guys here blowing the most steam routinely demonstrate absolutely zero gratitude and care for the women who decided to share their bodies with them... even if it doesn't end up in a relationship... is thoroughly repulsive.

I get it that some men were raised to believe that everything they do is ok, and any woman who doesn't agree with them or accept them must hate 'men'...

....no, I just don't like them or people who happen to be 'men' who act like them.

There is a difference.

Edited May 31, 2013 by RedRobin

May 31, 2013

I took issue with the men being user comments and the comments like men get away with bad behavior. You not liking FWB is all your choice and no problem with me.

I think you sometimes act like a user... But I also get the sense you are trying to change that.

Being hurt in your life doesn't justify how you talk about women who decide to have sex with you.

How about you start showing them a little respect and gratitude for a change? Perhaps then other women you are interested in might be willing to trust you.

May 31, 2013

The fact that the guys here blowing the most steam routinely demonstrate absolutely zero gratitude and care for the women who decided to share their bodies with them... even if it doesn't end up in a relationship... is thoroughly repulsive.

Why do I need to be grateful for having a FWB... there is a benefit for both of us... I get pleasure and she gets pleasure... is not like she is making me a favor

Really RR you should stop watching so much Disney Channel!

May 31, 2013

Why do I need to be grateful for having a FWB... there is a benefit for both of us... I get pleasure and she gets pleasure... is not like she is making me a favor

It's not a 'favor'... but she didn't have to have sex with you either.

When someone decides to let you in front of them in traffic, are you grateful? Even though it might make them feel good when they let you in??

Or do you flip them off and say "Thanks sucker!!"

The latter behavior is how a lot of men treat women who have sex with them. If men can't feel 'grateful'... the least they can do is not trash women who choose to sleep with them....

...and yes, I consider the term 'FWB' as just another way that some men attempt to diminish women because they don't want to admit they dated her... or they are trying to hide some other behavior like cheating.

At least in the case of the person who inspired this thread...

May 31, 2013

It's not a 'favor'... but she didn't have to have sex with you either.

When someone decides to let you in front of them in traffic, are you grateful? Even though it makes them feel good when they let you in??

Or do you flip them off and say "Thanks sucker!!"

The latter behavior is how a lot of men treat women who have sex with them. If men can't feel 'grateful'... the least they can do is not trash women who choose to sleep with them....

...and yes, I consider the term 'FWB' as just another way that some men attempt to diminish women because they don't want to admit they dated her... or they are trying to hide some other behavior like cheating.

At least in the case of the person who inspired this thread...

Well the way I see it she is the one that should be grateful I had sex with her

The cheating and diminishing thing is just in your mind and I nothing that I can say will change it but be careful because it is close to be paranoid, usually things are just what they look like to be... if you keep looking for hidden agendas you will NEVER be happy!

Edited May 31, 2013 by therhythm

May 31, 2013

Hi Red Robin,

I was wondering, the deal breaker of a man who once had a casual sexual relationship (FWB), did you ever think that you might consider to continue wit him anyways or you didn't give it much thought and decided that you couldn't date him for that reason (and you told him why?)

Anyhow, considering you mentioned earlier , you have only a theory that anyone who does the FWB thing would have questionable loyalties to their current partner, that they could easily stray.

Again ONLY a theory.....

But, did the thought occur to you to perhaps give the guy a shot anyhow, to see how it plays out......that maybe you might date him with the possilibyt of it turning out okay?

We have a difference of opinion when it comes to FWB and men who pursue them or are in them.

My reasons why I don't like men who have FWB are personal to ME. You don't have to make it personal to you.

Anyway, my impression is that the attacks on me have less to do with me, and more to do with the fact that these guys don't like being judged by the same criteria they judge women...

....and they have been socialized to believe that when they get done with their messing around, that a woman who hasn't done the things he has done will be waiting with open arms to redeem him through her love and make everything ok. (cue cheesy music...)

I understand the fantasy... It is a nice one... but it isn't fair to the woman to expect her to take that risk... especially when these same guys wouldn't take that risk for a similar woman as him.

May 31, 2013

When someone decides to let you in front of them in traffic, are you grateful? Even though it might make them feel good when they let you in??

Or do you flip them off and say "Thanks sucker!!"

Wait a second, did you just compare having sex with letting someone in front of you in traffic? wow...

May 31, 2013

Well the way I see it she is the one that should be grateful I had sex with her
The cheating and diminishing thing is just in your mind and I nothing that I can say will change it but be careful because it is close to be paranoid, usually things are just they look like to be... if you keep looking for hidden agendas you will NEVER be happy!

Both people should be grateful. I don't take peoples time or bodies for granted.

However, I've proven that through my life choices.

... I can see that this cheating and diminishing thing is another area we won't agree on. That is my opinion. Whatever it was... I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who feels the need to call a woman he dated for three years a 'FWB'. I consider it tacky.

May 31, 2013

I think you sometimes act like a user... But I also get the sense you are trying to change that.

Being hurt in your life doesn't justify how you talk about women who decide to have sex with you.

How about you start showing them a little respect and gratitude for a change? Perhaps then other women you are interested in might be willing to trust you.

Actually I respect women. I don't talk about women that have sex with me. Hell the woman that hurt me had been known as the Wal-Mart whore. I never acknowledged her as that. I know the only questionable stuff I have done was have sex with married women, but they initiated that. I'm real big on honesty and you can't be a user if you are honest about your intentions. I expect the same. I had a crazy experience that made me want to be honest in all interactions. The assumptions you have about me are totally wrong. I know I don't like my time wasted, but that doesn't make me a user.

May 31, 2013

I hear women use the term FWB as much as men do. Actually having relationships in these days is very much considered out of fashion.

May 31, 2013

Wait a second, did you just compare having sex with letting someone in front of you in traffic? wow...

Actually, yea... it did seem to be a decent metaphor for those who routinely engage in casual sex... I mean, it's not like you know each other, right?

So... how DO you treat people in your day-to-day interactions?? Do you act the first way or second way... or somewhere in between??

somewhere in between meaning you put no thought into it... you just go ahead in and are neither grateful or abusive... Because that would be the bare minimum I'd expect...

May 31, 2013

Actually I respect women. I don't talk about women that have sex with me. Hell the woman that hurt me had been known as the Wal-Mart whore. I never acknowledged her as that. I know the only questionable stuff I have done was have sex with married women, but they initiated that. I'm real big on honesty and you can't be a user if you are honest about your intentions. I expect the same. I had a crazy experience that made me want to be honest in all interactions. The assumptions you have about me are totally wrong. I know I don't like my time wasted, but that doesn't make me a user.

Fair enough. Sometimes you use the same or similar language as some of the other men here who are not discreet... and I find it confusing. That's all.

I get it that people come here to vent.

May 31, 2013

Actually, yea... it did seem to be a decent metaphor for those who routinely engage in casual sex... I mean, it's not like you know each other, right?

So... how DO you treat people in your day-to-day interactions?? Do you act the first way or second way... or somewhere in between??

somewhere in between meaning you put no thought into it... you just go ahead in and are neither grateful or abusive... Because that would be the bare minimum I'd expect...

well when I someone letting you in front of them in traffic is a totally altruistic thing to do an therefore gratefulness can be granted, having sex is about two people enjoying something together. If you really need to make a traffic metaphor to understand it, sex is like carpooling where one day you drive and the next day I drive, we both profit from it in the same way!

May 31, 2013

I hear women use the term FWB as much as men do. Actually having relationships in these days is very much considered out of fashion.

Seems to be... yes. I refuse to be dragged into that way of life without my explicit permission.

... I've had the chance to talk to a few of my friends about this issue... which is also feeding into my concerns...

A friend of mine told me that a guy she dated for over a year told her much later that he was sure they had tried being a FWB briefly towards the end of their relationship and she was absolutely appalled. She told him no f*cking way would she ever agree to that... and if he assumed they were FWB, it was only in his mind. She was really pissed.

THAT is the kind of cr*p I'm talking about. People who make this shyte up so that they don't have to feel bad about pursuing others while they are still dating someone.

May 31, 2013

Seems to be... yes. I refuse to be dragged into that way of life without my explicit permission.

... I've had the chance to talk to a few of my friends about this issue... which is also feeding into my concerns...

A friend of mine told me that a guy she dated for over a year told her much later that he was sure they had tried being a FWB briefly towards the end of their relationship and she was absolutely appalled. She told him no f*cking way would she ever agree to that... and if he assumed they were FWB, it was only in his mind. She was really pissed.

THAT is the kind of cr*p I'm talking about. People who make this shyte up so that they don't have to feel bad about pursuing others while they are still dating someone.

I agree but it's not changing anytime soon. It will only get worse and both genders are equally guilty.

May 31, 2013

I agree but it's not changing anytime soon. It will only get worse and both genders are equally guilty.

I HAVE heard women use that term too... to describe men they are having sex with who are 'beneath' them in some way and also are not considered 'relationship material' for one reason or another. In fact, I've taken women to task here for doing that as much as I've ranted on the men.

Anyway, I agree that both genders are equally guilty... which is another reason why I'm not keen on dating men who have FWB. Just don't care to get sucked into that in any way shape or form.

May 31, 2013

Anyway, I agree that both genders are equally guilty... which is another reason why I'm not keen on dating men who have FWB. Just don't care to get sucked into that in any way shape or form.

If you directed the same amount of energy towards finding what you want rather than towards what you don't want, you would be more successful at getting it.

May 31, 2013

well when I someone letting you in front of them in traffic is a totally altruistic thing to do an therefore gratefulness can be granted, having sex is about two people enjoying something together. If you really need to make a traffic metaphor to understand it, sex is like carpooling where one day you drive and the next day I drive, we both profit from it in the same way!

Ok. Well... if more people looked at it even close to that, then things would be a lot better...

Because I actually come a lot closer to your viewpoint on sex (via the carpooling metaphor) than you might imagine.

The only difference being that I need to make sure the person has a valid driver's license and has demonstrated responsible car maintenance.

May 31, 2013

If you directed the same amount of energy towards finding what you want rather than towards what you don't want, you would be more successful at getting it.

If people were more honest about their intentions and goals, I wouldn't have to spend so much energy.

May 31, 2013

If people were more honest about their intentions and goals, I wouldn't have to spend so much energy.

Incorrect. You have the choice to ignore the dishonest once you realise what their intentions and goals are. You choose to focus this much on the negatives.

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Ladies: Dating men who have had 'FWB'

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