Ladies: Dating men who have had 'FWB'

May 29, 2013

I don't need to take it on face value that a guy who has had a long running FWB is capable of having a serious relationship.

He needs to demonstrate that he is capable of it, and find some way to address my concerns... because he is the one who has already demonstrated otherwise.

He has demonstrated his style is more casual. So it seems reasonable that if he wants a woman whose style is NOT casual... well... he's got work to do. SORRY GUYS.

I've already demonstrated that I'm capable of maintaining a serious LTR... so it is a no-brainer for him to date ME, or try to. No doubt that makes him very comfortable. Good for him.

If you guys are so A-OK with FWB, then you can find women who are also A-OK with it and you can live happily ever after.

guys, having past fwb will help, not hurt! ok, if you are dating redrobin it will hurt, but if you are dating most other women it will help. you see, guys gain valuable experience having fwb, and their sexual prowess goes up. few women can resist a guy who knows what he's doing in bed.

have the fwbs guys, unless redrobin is your type of girl.

May 29, 2013

How old are you? I used to think that way too until I hit my 30's.

I am in my mid 40s

May 29, 2013

However, I am put off by your attitude that all men have to prove stuff to you in order for you to think they might be "good enough." You approach all as if they're guilty of being a douche until proven otherwise, and so far, this has not happened.

My first sexual experience was with a woman that had this attitude. I ended up falling in love with her but after it was all over with it left me not wanting a relationship for a long time. Now I am at the point where I do but in the back of my mind I think about what happened and I'm like I can't do it.

May 29, 2013

Thank you for the compliment in your post. I have a little more to add which
I hope you won't feel offended by. Here goes:

I have said this before and I feel like saying it again in this context:

I DO believe that you do the right thing by yourself when you adhere to your
standards regarding values when deciding whom to date, especially since you're
looking for a long term relationship;

However, I am put off by your attitude that all men have to prove stuff to
you in order for you to think they might be "good enough." You approach all as
if they're guilty of being a douche until proven otherwise, and so far, this has
not happened.

Can't you just leave it at: we're not a good match?

That is what I did. He tried to get me to approach things more casually. I told him that I needed more time to get to know him. He tried to reassure me (based on what??) I wasn't willing to trust him based on his past experience.

Ultimately, that is what I said to him. That our relationship styles and goals did not match and left it at that. I did not call him a bad person for having a FWB AT ALL. I simply asked for more time and would not be pressured to do things his way.

He was the one who ended up getting angry, when it was all said and done. Said I should have just 'trusted' him because he says so. Sorry. Can't do that.

Sure, some people are scumbags, but a man who's had casual relationships really
doesn't have to prove anything to you at all. Accept him as he is, or just move
on and look for someone you feel is compatible.

I wasn't willing to trust that his intentions with me were serious based on his past experience. Whenever a disconnect exists, I believe it needs some explanation. He doesn't like it, he can walk too.

... but I agree with you... if he didn't want to explain then he shouldn't have tried to continue dating me either...and trying to force ME to accept his lifestyle or whatever.... sight unseen.

I'm the one who ended things.

I don't agree. He has just as much right and bounds
for deciding he's not interested or compatible with you based on what he's
learning about YOU as vice versa.

Dating is not a proving ground where somebody is supposed to demonstrate to
the other person that they might have the capacity to change into who that
person would prefer. Dating ideally is where you both bring YOURSELVES. If the
interest is enough, people will explore further and get to know more about each
other. And decisions are made on both peoples' parts.

One of the parties is not inherently in a superior position, especially based
on their sex.

I didn't take it from a position of superiority... just a position of disconnect. I honestly DID try to seek understanding. It was only after coming here and talking more did I realize why I was having such a hard time trusting him.

All things considered, I don't believe he was being honest.

This kind of attitude is not going to help you find a great relationship, and
I know that's what you want.

The people *I* know with great relationships trust but verify... in a respectful way. They don't jump into things casually (at least when it comes to sex) and simply hope for the best.

Edited May 29, 2013 by RedRobin

May 29, 2013

That is what I did. He tried to get me to approach things more casually. I told him that I needed more time to get to know him. He tried to reassure me (based on what??) I wasn't willing to trust him based on his past experience.

Ultimately, that is what I said to him. That our relationship styles and goals did not match and left it at that. I did not call him a bad person for having a FWB AT ALL. I simply asked for more time and would not be pressured to do things his way.

He was the one who ended up getting angry, when it was all said and done. Said I should have just 'trusted' him because he says so. Sorry. Can't do that.

I wasn't willing to trust that his intentions with me were serious based on his past experience. Whenever a disconnect exists, I believe it needs some explanation. He doesn't like it, he can walk too.

... but I agree with you... if he didn't want to explain then he shouldn't have tried to continue dating me either...and trying to force ME to accept his lifestyle or whatever.... sight unseen.

I'm the one who ended things.

I didn't take it from a position of superiority... just a position of disconnect. I honestly DID try to seek understanding. It was only after coming here and talking more did I realize why I was having such a hard time trusting him.

All things considered, I don't believe he was being honest.

The people *I* know with great relationships trust but verify... in a respectful way. They don't jump into things casually (at least when it comes to sex) and simply hope for the best.

Now that you explained it without the negativity about men it sounds like just an incompatibility issue. You charged him to the game. I know I felt so much negativity coming from you in regards to men.

May 29, 2013

Now that you explained it without the negativity about men it sounds like just an incompatibility issue. You charged him to the game. I know I felt so much negativity coming from you in regards to men.

Yes, I believe it was an incompatibility issue. One I wished we could have found some way to overcome. We had lots of other things in common and really had a good time together.

The way people resolve conflict and seek understanding (or not) says a lot about how things will work out in the long run...

I know you find this hard to believe, but I never did talk down to him nor was mean to him. All I did was ask for more time... I offered to introduce him to my friends, hoping he would do the same. When he didn't... and offered no timeline for doing so or reasons why he wouldn't... that is when I realized things were off...

It was then I figured I was being asked to make a decision based on incomplete information... and not very nicely either. On his part.

I'm focusing on the FWB thing because of what I know about her and the woman he ended up falling in 'love' with...

May 29, 2013

Yes, I believe it was an incompatibility issue. One I wished we could have found some way to overcome. We had lots of other things in common and really had a good time together.

The way people resolve conflict and seek understanding (or not) says a lot about how things will work out in the long run...

I know you find this hard to believe, but I never did talk down to him nor was mean to him. All I did was ask for more time... I offered to introduce him to my friends, hoping he would do the same. When he didn't... and offered no timeline for doing so or reasons why he wouldn't... that is when I realized things were off...

It was then I figured I was being asked to make a decision based on incomplete information... and not very nicely either. On his part.

I'm focusing on the FWB thing because of what I know about her and the woman he ended up falling in 'love' with...

nice guys, i didn't think it was possible, but here's a woman for you!

May 29, 2013

More time? A year of dating and you needed more time? Either you're lying or he's one desperate person. LOL

You are judging men on here and you claim you didn't with him?? Sorry you're flat out lying out of your butt, this isn't even about past it's what you're thinking in the present.

He hasn't lied to you nor his actions even remotely stated he was being dishonest. Where is your proof that he's being dishonest? A dishonest person wouldn't bring FWB. He would make you think he's trust worthy or not. I can assure you there's people can play the game and you wouldn't be able to know about it until it's too late.

I can't see any man wanting to date you after a few months. I'm not saying by anger but you seem crazy to me. Paranoid for sure. Judging people on their past is crazy. People can change and he doesn't need to prove anything either you trust him or not. I know for sure if a woman doesn't trust me if I'm dating her I am done. If I can't trust a woman I'm dating I'm done. There is no point of trying anything. Prove what? Maybe you need to prove to him you're a sane woman with realistic expectations.

This last guy was a month and a half, dude. Read again. I was at the point of deciding whether I wanted to go forward with a relationship and decided against it. I was happy to try and judge him on his 'present'... but he didn't give me much to go on exactly... except a lot of words. Words mean nothing.

The other men I did actually date for a year.... both of them I knew through my social circle... and I knew for a fact that their relationship style was LTR focused.

Edited May 29, 2013 by RedRobin

May 29, 2013

Yes, I believe it was an incompatibility issue. One I wished we could have found some way to overcome. We had lots of other things in common and really had a good time together.

The way people resolve conflict and seek understanding (or not) says a lot about how things will work out in the long run...

I know you find this hard to believe, but I never did talk down to him nor was mean to him. All I did was ask for more time... I offered to introduce him to my friends, hoping he would do the same. When he didn't... and offered no timeline for doing so or reasons why he wouldn't... that is when I realized things were off...

It was then I figured I was being asked to make a decision based on incomplete information... and not very nicely either. On his part.

I'm focusing on the FWB thing because of what I know about her and the woman he ended up falling in 'love' with...

It's not that I find it hard to believe but the way you come across on here is kind of like a bitter woman. I know a lot of people have their opinions about me on here. I care for and have respect for women but my views on a lot of things are different because my first experiences consist of me being the OM. For a long time that is all I could ever be. In regards to single women a lot of what they do seems like BS to me. In my mind it's like " WTF I got to wait" or "You have to figure things out". Funny thing is most of my OM experiences started out as platonic friendships so I have a no platonic friendship rule unless she is a lesbian. I'm funny about women that have a few male platonic friends unless they are homosexual.

May 29, 2013

Yes I agree your words mean nothing. I think you did him a favor though. He must have been desperate. If words meant nothing how did you try to understand? If you're judging by his current actions don't you need to get him a chance to see if his actions are suitable? You're full of baloney.
I don't have a problem you turning him down but you're crazy and you don't make that much sense.

All I can say is that I hope I never date a woman like you but then I'm pretty good in picking up on negative vibes like yours.

I gave him a chance to show by his actions that he intended something serious. I told him my impression of what a serious relationship looks like. He didn't follow through.... but he also didn't stop pursuing me. So, I ended it. His behavior was consistent with someone who does FWB... seek sex first... real compatibility second. Not for me.

It's that simple.

Yes, I agree that some men here think that women who aren't hopping into bed with them JUST because they happen to be good looking, charming and have fun with them are 'crazy'... some of us actually do look for a man of character and who has the qualities that will make for long term compatibility BEFORE having sex with them.

Sorry if that bothers you.

Edited May 29, 2013 by RedRobin

May 29, 2013

There you go twist things again. You're not crazy because you won't sleep with a guy. You're crazy because you are harshly judging men in general.

A few things I learned is that standards and beliefs can be disempowering or empowering. You do not have a high standard yourself as much as you have standards for others. Successfully people have very high standards on themselves.

Life can not be enjoyable by the way you think. This is why many of us think you're crazy.

...says the guy with 'Crazy' in his username.....

May 29, 2013

Crazy Canuck and RedRobin, I actually think you guys would make a great couple

May 29, 2013

Wow, I'm the only person backing it for RR today . Who'd have thought.......

Can I ask though - do you actually think that having a mutual FWB is something to be remorseful about? If it was an actual short term relationship rather than a FWB arrangement, is that more acceptable to you? I sometimes feel as though you view your approach to dating as the only credible way - for you, that is fine, but I mean when you refer to others there is some level of condescension for the way they may choose to do things even though they may not have done anything morally questionable.

I'm trying to bridge the gap between you and the others here......

May 29, 2013

Wow, I'm the only person backing it for RR today . Who'd have thought.......

Can I ask though - do you actually think that having a mutual FWB is something to be remorseful about? If it was an actual short term relationship rather than a FWB arrangement, is that more acceptable to you? I sometimes feel as though you view your approach to dating as the only credible way - for you, that is fine, but I mean when you refer to others there is some level of condescension for the way they may choose to do things even though they may not have done anything morally questionable.

I'm trying to bridge the gap between you and the others here......

More would be able to back her but she has to let go of the negativity. Well its the way society has become now in regards to dating. Men can get basged and recieve all types of negativity but when women get bashed men are misogynists.

May 29, 2013

Wow, I'm the only person backing it for RR today . Who'd have thought.......

Can I ask though - do you actually think that having a mutual FWB is something to be remorseful about? If it was an actual short term relationship rather than a FWB arrangement, is that more acceptable to you? I sometimes feel as though you view your approach to dating as the only credible way - for you, that is fine, but I mean when you refer to others there is some level of condescension for the way they may choose to do things even though they may not have done anything morally questionable.

I'm trying to bridge the gap between you and the others here......

Thanks TW

If there is any condescension, it is certainly working both ways...

Do I think a mutual FWB is something to be remorseful about? Depends. If someone was hurt... either him or the other person... yes, I think that is something to be remorseful about... even if unintentional. If no one was hurt and it was truly mutual and honest... I'd still have questions... and concerns about his ability to bond with someone given the duration of this FWB and the overlap with the second woman.

Long story short, the man I'm talking about in this thread didn't sufficiently demonstrate he was interested in a serious relationship with me even though he SAID that was what he was looking for. His history indicated that he has overlap. Those are the facts. The fact that (I believe) he is hiding behind a FWB label for convenience doesn't make me feel too warm and fuzzy about the concept.

Some people need to stop taking things so personally just because I'd have a hard time dating a man who has FWB... especially the ones who think I'm supposed to jump into bed with a guy no questions asked.

May 29, 2013

More would be able to back her but she has to let go of the negativity. Well its the way society has become now in regards to dating. Men can get basged and recieve all types of negativity but when women get bashed men are misogynists.

It is not 'negative' to avoid men who have had FWB.

May 29, 2013

It is not 'negative' to avoid men who have had FWB.

Its not that. Its the talk about male bad behavior and that we are alll users

May 29, 2013

I dated a lady who admitted she had a FWB for a while. I broke up with her when i found out. Women like that cannot be trusted.... it also means they have low self-esteem, which is a big turn-off.

May 29, 2013

Spidey sense? LOL

Those are not fact that's paranoia assuming that there was an over lap.
You would be better off that you were compatible with him sexually but no you had to make up crap as you go along.

Nope. The overlap I can and have verified. It is a small town.

It is the so-called FWB status that is tougher to verify, and why I have my doubts.

I believe he just called her that after the fact to avoid being labeled a cheater or a monkey brancher.

That's a lovely way to treat someone he actually DATED for three years and then cheated on. Call her a FWB so no one is the wiser.

... but it really is a small town. I'm sure the truth will come out eventually. Always does. If/when that day happens, I'll certainly be sad if I misjudged the guy...

Anyway, I don't talk down about him to other people or my friends. I just tell them our relationship styles weren't compatible and that's it.

May 29, 2013

Hey Redrobin, how old are you? I think you need to be very young and insecure.

You know that by living the life as a trusting person you will be more happy that by expecting an obscure tomorrow that may never come?

Everyone in this world have flaws (you too believe me!) and is stupid to be judging other people for things they can't not change anymore and that happened before you even met them.

I wish you could sit back and relax and enjoy life that is really too short for so much worries!

May 29, 2013

No. I broke up with them when I realized I didn't want to marry them or vice versa. In both cases, we dated for about a year. Neither of them have FWB nor do I.

In the first case, he married the next woman he dated.

The second... he and his GF are talking about marriage. He is one of my best friends and I'm friends with his GF too... as I already mentioned.

Doesn't sound very successful on your side since they obviously found someone better.

Obviously, you don't know many women like me and I sure don't make a habit of hanging around men like you... we are essentially speaking a totally different language... so it probably isn't worth continuing the discussion.

Ah, but you'll still take the time to tell me how you know me.

so yeah I do know women exactly like you.

Any woman who doesn't subscribe to your notion of what is proper is a slut.

Any man who doesn't want to jump through hoops for you is a player.

They also got dumped because of the way they acted but claim they did the dumping. Unless they milk it for the sympathy. Then they say they were dumped. But not before calling the guy a player.

You got issues.

I know very well how you feel about women, Phineas.

Please enlighten us. (this will be good)

You haven't had a decent relationship since your divorce. Just come here waving your d*ck around about how many women agree to come over for a 'movie' blah-blah... Do you have female friends? sisters? any women in your life you think highly of??

I'm thinking no.

Sounds like I struck a nerve & now you just want to lash out with anything you can think of that might hurt me. gonna have to try harder.

Seek help. You are bitter & cynical.

May 29, 2013

Sorry, I'm not a lady, but I couldn't resist.

How do you know he wants you as a FWB? He's TOLD you he had FWB before and he's a GUY. Really, no joke. Mark my word.

There is no reason to tell you this, unless it is a litmus test to guage your reaction.

May 29, 2013

Just leave the OP alone. She knows what she wants and is her right to choose, it is her life. Don't gang up on her.

May 29, 2013

Eventually, we both ended up with people in committed relationships and cut the shenanigans. His girlfriend knew about me and the relationship we had. Made it awkward and uncomfortable for her.

Yeah, I've acknowledged that on occasion I've enjoyed the company of a man for the sheer enjoyment of it and nothing more. But I sure as hell haven't rubbed anyone's nose in it or tried to make anyone uncomfortable.

I guess it's like if someone's cheated in the past, or lied to get food stamps. Not cool things, by any means, but **** happens and sometimes people make bad choices to get through tough times.

The guy who lied to get food stamps turned me off more than the guy who was honest about mistakes he had made in the past with regard to seeking consolation outside the relationship.

Would you rather be with someone who had been celibate for those three years instead of getting by with a FWB? What about other means of "getting by"? What if he had been facing MORE than three years of being single?

How do YOU handle being single and feeling the need for speed? I mean like when it's going on longer than a few months. I don't know if there IS any "right" answer to this.

Mainly, though, I think it's cool he was honest with you from the get-go about where he's been in that regard...

May 30, 2013

The people *I* know with great relationships trust but verify... in a respectful way. They don't jump into things casually (at least when it comes to sex) and simply hope for the best.

Sounds like advice you could follow, especially since your approach of distrust and assume the worst[1] isn't exactly working for you.

[1] Examples available on request, or you could trust but verify yourself since I'll only be referring to your posts in this thread.

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Ladies: Dating men who have had 'FWB'

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