Dilemma: To see him or not to see him?

[J_L_C]

Update: My ex just texted me this evening. All he basically just said was, "hi, how's it going?" I have a feeling it has to do with him returning my things. I should contact him eventually so I can retrieve my items, but when and what should I say?? I'm guessing I should at least wait until tmrw?

 

I just don't want him to think I'm playing games or being passive aggressive. Previous to this I would respond within 30 seconds. So he'll definitely think something is up.

[KatZee]

Update: My ex just texted me this evening. All he basically just said was, "hi, how's it going?" I have a feeling it has to do with him returning my things. I should contact him eventually so I can retrieve my items, but when and what should I say?? I'm guessing I should at least wait until tmrw?

 

I just don't want him to think I'm playing games or being passive aggressive. Previous to this I would respond within 30 seconds. So he'll definitely think something is up.

 

The only way he's going to take you serious and think differently of you, is if you tell him to f.uck off. He knows you as weak, so don't be that person.

 

Seeing him is going to bring you right back to square one. You have feelings, he does not. He's not coming around. He just wants to bring your stuff back. What "stuff" is this? Is it anything you really need or is it just crap you can tell him to toss?

 

"Hi, how's it going?" Who the hell is he? Tell him to throw it out if you don't need it. You've gone 7 months without those things, your life seems to be functioning without it.

 

Get rid of the hope you have that he's coming around. It's close to a year now. It's done. And he's a piece of crap. STOP contacting him and go complete NC. Block his number. Your focus should not be on him at all, it should be on yourself. Completely.

[Bigcitydreamer]

Is this typical though? I've been in one other long-term relationship, but he was at least consistent throughout our entire 6 years together. THIS GUY on the other hand almost transformed into a completely different person. I feel a bit foolish. Never saw it coming. Has anyone else been in a relationship with someone who eventually became someone totally different than the person you fell in love with? More importantly, did this person act in consistent ways for a long period of time and then suddenly switched?

 

Yes, 100% I have been with someone who's personality completely switched after some time, and I blamed myself for this switch for the longest time too. But after going NC for 2 weeks I realized how wrong it was of me to blame myself. This is his personality! Not the person you thought you knew! 7 months is a long time to be pining over someone like that.. Please take the advice from all of these people. He's not worth it. Imagine how empowered you will feel to know that you turned down this meeting! F*** the stuff. F*** even responding to him. This is about healing yourself, not about making an impression on him.

 

I consider myself quite adaptable, been through a lot, and if it was me I would honestly start NC right now and never ever talk to him again! Unless he explicitly says "I want you back and will do anything to have you", which doesn't seem like its going to happen.

 

Sorry to say hun, but as different as your situation feels, you are not alone in this. No one on this site has anything to gain by advising you of something they don't truly believe! Please start the NC and focus on how to make your life better! Might I suggest getting a puppy or kitten LoL

[Bigcitydreamer]

Oh and I forgot to mention one thing that I have noticed and that helps me a lot!

 

If you TRULY love this man from the absolute bottom of your heart then wouldn't you want him to be happy even if it means it's without you? Follow me here.. The very definition of love is putting someones needs and desires before your own ( well that's one definition anyway). So if you truly love him then you shoul put his needs before your own and wish him happiness in whatever he pursues! But I have a feeling that this has a nice bit to do with a hurt ego more so than true love at its finest. I don't doubt that you love this man but if you do let him go and find his happiness. I tell myself this and it calms me down during those sad moments during the run of the day. By lettin him go you are proving that you do love him! Hope that helps

[J_L_C]

Oh and I forgot to mention one thing that I have noticed and that helps me a lot!

 

If you TRULY love this man from the absolute bottom of your heart then wouldn't you want him to be happy even if it means it's without you? Follow me here.. The very definition of love is putting someones needs and desires before your own ( well that's one definition anyway). So if you truly love him then you shoul put his needs before your own and wish him happiness in whatever he pursues! But I have a feeling that this has a nice bit to do with a hurt ego more so than true love at its finest. I don't doubt that you love this man but if you do let him go and find his happiness. I tell myself this and it calms me down during those sad moments during the run of the day. By lettin him go you are proving that you do love him! Hope that helps

 

I do hear what you're saying, but I think there are many of us who still love our exes (truly) and want to be with them...still. I want to be happy with HIM. I want him to be happy with ME. It sucks.

 

What's to say he may not be coming around? I doubt the first message to me would be "Hey. Haven't talked to you in ages but I want you back". People don't usually start conversations that way. If someone wants another back, it's usually a slow start, feeling out the waters, trying to see if the proverbial door is open. Don't get me wrong...I am by no means saying that I think this is what's happening. I just don't know for certain that it's NOT.

 

I really don't know what to do about this. Let's say I do meet up with him. We catch up, things go well and something clicks or changes. It's not IMPOSSIBLE.

 

I am realistic enough to know that this is likely not what's happening, but because I don't know for sure, something is just poking at me to go and see him just for short bit.

[Simon Phoenix]

Oh please, this guy is a jackass. Are you really going to cower to him? Find some dignity. I'm sorry, this is just nuts. And women wonder why "nice" guys get disillusioned.

[KatZee]

I really don't know what to do about this. Let's say I do meet up with him. We catch up, things go well and something clicks or changes. It's not IMPOSSIBLE.

 

I am realistic enough to know that this is likely not what's happening, but because I don't know for sure, something is just poking at me to go and see him just for short bit.

 

You're in severe denial. I think everyone here gets that you're in love with him. We've all been in love with someone as well. But at what point are you actually going to say, "I love him, but I love myself more." ?

 

In what reality do you feel this person is in love with you? And in what reality do you feel this is the best you can do? Someone who exposes you to potential STDs? The person who tells you to f.uck off? The person who is so pathetically perverted that he feels the need to jerk off right in your face while watching you cry?

 

The sooner you wake up, the sooner you're going to heal.

[J_L_C]

I guess this biggest thing for me is curiosity. I definitely do NOT think he is in love with me. I know he's not. But my curiosity is in what may come from meeting up with him. I'm sure there are many people out there who have reluctantly met up with an ex for whatever reason and something positive came from it. I don't know. I'm not expecting anything. I definitely don't assume he contacted me because he wants to get back with me. I don't think I'm in denial about that. I'm pretty realistic over how he feels about me. I guess I'm just thinking about that 'what-ifs'. If I don't at least give myself the chance to see him, I may never know what good (if any) could have come from it.

[Bigcitydreamer]

I do hear what you're saying, but I think there are many of us who still love our exes (truly) and want to be with them...still. I want to be happy with HIM. I want him to be happy with ME. It sucks.

 

What's to say he may not be coming around? I doubt the first message to me would be "Hey. Haven't talked to you in ages but I want you back". People don't usually start conversations that way. If someone wants another back, it's usually a slow start, feeling out the waters, trying to see if the proverbial door is open. Don't get me wrong...I am by no means saying that I think this is what's happening. I just don't know for certain that it's NOT.

 

I really don't know what to do about this. Let's say I do meet up with him. We catch up, things go well and something clicks or changes. It's not IMPOSSIBLE.

 

I am realistic enough to know that this is likely not what's happening, but because I don't know for sure, something is just poking at me to go and see him just for short bit.

 

Yes no doubt that we all would like to be happy with our exes that is why we are the dumpee not the dumper! As a dumpee you just don't have that choice though. He left you, therefor you have absolutely no power in this situation. And have u been dumped before and have your ex come back wanting you?? I have, and they absolutely came at me with guns blazing begging for my forgiveness. They dont need to tread lightly they dumped you! As the dumpees it is us that tread lightly.

 

At the end of the day you will do what you want to do. To me it seems like you are quite delusional and refuse to see the facts! No matter what everyone is telling you, you keep coming back with the same excuses. No it isn't impossible but neither is winning the lottery or getting hit by lightning. In your situation it seems a lot less likely than another situation. Just being honest with you. I feel bad that you are in this state and I don't even know you! But if you must go see him then go ahead! If you think it will prove to you once and for all that this man does not want to be with you. You can find out the hard way if u must!

 

The way you are handling things though is the exact opposite of what you should do if you want to make your life better as fast as possible. If you don't mind wallowing in the pain for a few more months than by all mean meet up with this guy.

[J_L_C]

I stated this in my other thread as well. It's tough because I've actually seen a therapist over my difficulties in letting go, but she just gives me pros and cons and leaves me to make the decision...which is what I've been having troubles with in the first place. I just don't want to let a 'possible' opporunity pass me by 'should' there even be one. On one hand, I think I may regret not meeting up with him as I will always wonder 'what if'. He's an odd duck this one and sometimes it only takes a certain situation to change his mind about something. But...I hear what everyone is telling me and that it may hurt me as well. It's a tug-o-war in my head right now. Wouldn't you be curious? If things go in a negative direction I can just leave. I'll have my answer. no?

[Bigcitydreamer]

Yep I would be curious! But that doesn't mean I'd act on it. I've read your other threads and it is clear this is not the person for you. Not sure why he has such a hold on you, he sounds like an absolute pig! But go if u must and when u are let down again please find it within yourself to let him go! U will be so so much happier in the end!

 

There is something to be said about self respect.. Is that important to you? It's one of my major priorities after being dumped and I'm getting over things much faster then I thought. I too thought I had found the one, and your story reminds me of the importance of having inner strength! C'mon girl I believe you can get past this pig!!!!

 

To me and I would imagine everyone who has read your previous threads, this man doesn't love you. It makes me see that my ex definitely doesn't love me either. He clearly stated he is looking for the one and you are not it for him. Hurtful? Absolutely. End of the world or your romantic relationship possibilities with other people? Not even close. I had an ex who was an extreme hottie Facebook me and try and hang out with me a year after we broke up. I was very tempted and I played with the idea but in the end I chose not to go because the hurt he put me through proved that he did not love me in the right way. Same for your situation. He does not love you in the right way hun. Not enough that you shoul waste your life wondering about him. You will find someone better!

[Simon Phoenix]

I guess this biggest thing for me is curiosity. I definitely do NOT think he is in love with me. I know he's not. But my curiosity is in what may come from meeting up with him. I'm sure there are many people out there who have reluctantly met up with an ex for whatever reason and something positive came from it. I don't know. I'm not expecting anything. I definitely don't assume he contacted me because he wants to get back with me. I don't think I'm in denial about that. I'm pretty realistic over how he feels about me. I guess I'm just thinking about that 'what-ifs'. If I don't at least give myself the chance to see him, I may never know what good (if any) could have come from it.

 

This is one of the worst ideas and trains of thought I've read on this site considering what happened in your breakup. But you are going to do what you want to do regardless of what anyone says. So go ahead. Some people need to jump off a plane without a parachute I guess.

Edited March 7, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[KatZee]

This "curiosity" is nothing but your own false hope. You think that if he sees you after this time, he's going to see something in you he doesn't already know. He dated you. He knows exactly who you are. He knows who you are at your best, and at your worst.

 

Especially since you NEVER even went NC! It's been 7 months since the split, you kept in contact for SIX of those 7 months. Nothing about you is any sort of surprise to him. So there's nothing to be "curious" about. If it had been 7 months since the split and you had completely dropped off the earth then MAYBE, just MAYBE! I'd say you had a right to be curious. But now? Absolutely not.

 

If anything you're going to meet him, see how in love you still are, be completely devastated that he wants nothing more to do with you than give you back some crap you probably don't even need, and then cry because now his guilty conscience is cleared after seeing you pretend to act "fine."

[geegirl]

"I definitely do NOT think he is in love with me. I know he's not."

"I definitely don't assume he contacted me because he wants to get back with me."

"I'm pretty realistic over how he feels about me."

 

Listen to you brain. You know the truth. All of the above. Yet, you continue to dwell in delusion. Stop banking on maybe.

 

If there was anything of substance he wanted to tell you, you would have heard it by now. It would not be in the form of returning your stuff back. That's not a precursor to possibilities of reconciliation.

[destroyed4sho]

What makes you think after 7 months time he will have somethig meaningful or worthwhile to say about your relationship? The chances are zilch

...nada. He has nothing to say! Even more, what are the chances that he will have something meaningful to say and want you back ? 0%....even more than that, what are the chances he will have somethig meaningful to say,want you back and has changed into a better person???? NO WAY IN HELL...just drop this pls.

[Minneloa]

OP, you might be thinking right now that we here on LS don't truly understand your situation or feelings; we are, after all, anonymous strangers on an Internet forum.

 

However, based on the details you have shared with us, some of which are quite extreme, we are all coming to the same conclusion: this man is bad news and your thinking about him and your past relationship seems very distorted.

 

This forum is filled with stories that show how No Contact has helped people gather themselves and heal from the pain of breakups. I strongly urge you to stay away from your ex and give yourself a chance to move forward.

[emmalynro]

I'm going on the record here as thinking this guy is actually not a douche. He was straightforward with you about the breakup, he was firm and unemotional in his reasoning, he did everything he could to give you closure, and he even answered all your messages afterwards. That sounds like a pretty stand-up guy to me. My guess is that he has no idea how much damage this breakup has caused you, because if he had, he would be no-contact for sure.

 

Gilrfriend: nothing's going to happen. If talking to you hasn't registered a response after seven months, it's not about to now. The most you can hope to evoke from him in this state is pity and that's a bad thing. Your best bet is to say "just mail it to me" and move on.

 

Also? There's no "The One". There is no such thing as fate. The man you love at first sight may not be the man who is the most compassionate, loving and loyal. Relationships are a matter of work, not luck.

[Minneloa]

emmalynro, have you read this thread? It contains the grisly breakup details.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/376826-sherlock-holmes-couldn-t-figure-out

[emmalynro]

Oh wow, that's totally gross. Non-douche judgment retracted.

 

This isn't a caring guy, this is a complete horndog who probably has super-AIDS by now. Be grateful that he only took a year of your life!

[KatZee]

Oh wow, that's totally gross. Non-douche judgment retracted.

 

This isn't a caring guy, this is a complete horndog who probably has super-AIDS by now. Be grateful that he only took a year of your life!

 

Yeah, SERIOUSLY! I was about to say!

[geegirl]

emmalynro, have you read this thread? It contains the grisly breakup details.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/376826-sherlock-holmes-couldn-t-figure-out

 

Holy crap!!!

 

OP, I can't believe you even started this thread, but even worse, contemplating the possibility getting back together with this POS.

 

READ THAT POST AGAIN.

 

Please hold on to your self-respect. If you don't have it, find it, now.

[Lost Fish]

J L C,

 

Sweet Jesus Christ. Do you not see how frustrated you are making all of us by your posts?

 

I can understand why your friends and family are sick of this situation.

 

Beyond the fact that This guy is a Class A Douchebag, I have some real concerns about your own self-image and perception. I am glad you are in therapy because there something going on inside of you that is making you think that the way he has treated you was ok and worth fighting for. It isn't.

 

You are worth so much more than this man will ever ever EVER be able to see.

 

What he did to you is NOT OK. The type of obsessing that you are doing over this selfish prick is also not ok.

 

Please do something good for yourself and start to accept the fact that it is over. Truly.

 

And if you want to be miserable and feel like a used piece of garbage for the rest of your life, then go ahead and keep fighting for him. It seems to me that right now you are only hearing what you want to hear and doing what you want to do anyway. Why even post on LoveShack if you don't listen to us?

 

I am sorry to be so harsh, but reading these posts and seeing the obvious dysfunction inside of you is somewhat sickening. It actually reminds me a lot of a girl I dated who was tied up in her ex boyfriend - who also marginalized her and treated her like garbage.

 

I truly hope you find your way.

Edited March 7, 2013 by Lost Fish
typos..

[Lost Fish]

Oh wow, that's totally gross. Non-douche judgment retracted.

 

This isn't a caring guy, this is a complete horndog who probably has super-AIDS by now. Be grateful that he only took a year of your life!

 

This exchange with Minneloa made me lol.

[emmalynro]

I wish my ex-boyfriends would masturbate while I cry my eyes out, it would make moving on SO MUCH easier.

[J_L_C]

Believe it or not, but all of your comments, each and every single one, have given me A LOT of food for thought or the past few days. I've decided that I won't be meeting up with him afterall. I don't want to feel like this anymore and prolong my pain. I want to make steps to move forward very badly. 7 months ago I was suicidal over this whole thing, but I hadn't given myself the gift of distance and objectivity. The LS comments posted have helped a lot. Perhaps I wasn't taking the advice from my friends or family to heart because they are so close to the situation. You've all been saying similar things and don't know me, so it's helped. I thank you. I really do.

 

This friend of mine had been trying to hook me up with this guy she knows and I've been saying no for the past 4 months. I finally went out with him tonight. It...was...tough. Good looking guy and super sweet, but of course it was my natural inclination to compare him to the ex. Although I've been "officially" broken up from my ex for 7 months, "mentally" I have not. For those out there, how long do you give yourself before getting out and just dating again (not necessarily looking for a relationship...just dating)?

 

Some people have told me I need to get out there right away and just date and have fun. They have said the longer I wait, the harder it will be. But others have said to wait a bit.