Dilemma: To see him or not to see him?

[geegirl]

This all makes no sense. I know she maintains that she hasn't seen him or had sex with him in months, but I just do not believe it. She is hung up on him too much for not having seen or been with him.

 

I'm finding it hard to believe as well, Sheila. If my ex pleasured himself while seeing me in pain, it would disgust me to even want to speak to him ever again. Granted, I may romanticize him as I suffer the break-up but soon enough, that image would pull me back into reality and set me moving forward.

 

Eight months is too long a time to keep him on a pedastal, especially when he's exhibited despicable behavior time after time.

[Sheilalou008]

OP, you have been in very recent contact with him. See bolded above.

 

This at least partially explains why you are feeling so bad and that you have "regressed." When you have contact with an ex, especially one as toxic as yours, it usually DOES bring you back to square one in terms of your recovery and healing process.

 

What part of No Contact don't you understand? I know this is a rude comment, but your posts here are incredibly frustrating.

 

As long as you continue to contact your ex, you will continue to feed into and prolong your own pain. Please give NC a fair chance to help you make progress.

 

You have to help yourself here. No one else can make that choice for you.

 

Like I have posted above she seems to want to be stuck on this jerk and likes the pain it all brings. I think she feels if she hangs on to this man and the drama it will mean something cus she is hung up on who he use to be. She hasn't blocked him and is still responding. in a few days there will be another forlorn post from her about how unhappy she is still is cus he contacted her and she couldn't just let it be. Block every avenue for this man to get ahold of her and move the hell on, it is almost annoying to watch someone sit in their own s hit cus it does no good.

[Sheilalou008]

I'm finding it hard to believe as well, Sheila. If my ex pleasured himself while seeing me in pain, it would disgust me to even want to speak to him ever again. Granted, I may romanticize him as I suffer the break-up but soon enough, that image would pull me back into reality and set me moving forward.

 

Eight months is too long a time to keep him on a pedastal, especially when he's exhibited despicable behavior time after time.

 

 

Ya think? I think he is a huge jerk off who doesn't give a crap about her or his feelings. He just wants sex from her cus she is always willing to give it up in hopes it will bring him back to her.

 

Just let it go. If I was 8 months out I would expect someone to knock me upside my head and give it to me straight.

 

It doesn't matter, he could piss in her face and she would still be saying he is the greatest man who ever walked the earth. I maintain she is loves the pain and drama all of this brings. It makes her feel important. I am sure her reading all of this will anger her or feel like we are ganging up on her but man, get a damn grip.

[Sheilalou008]

All of this reminded me of a few quotes I have collected over the years.

 

This is one of my favorites from my all time favorite tv show.

" You hang on to your pain like it means something. Like it's worth something. Well, let me tell you - it's not worth ****."

 

I love this.

"A SHIP is designed to take you places.If your companionSHIP, relationSHIP, friendSHIP, or partnerSHIP isn't taking you anywhere-time to abandon SHIP!"

[J_L_C]

I'm finding it hard to believe as well, Sheila. If my ex pleasured himself while seeing me in pain, it would disgust me to even want to speak to him ever again. Granted, I may romanticize him as I suffer the break-up but soon enough, that image would pull me back into reality and set me moving forward.

 

Eight months is too long a time to keep him on a pedastal, especially when he's exhibited despicable behavior time after time.

 

How do I use that ONE terrible thing he did, against the good of our entire year together? I know it was awful. But people make mistakes. I've done some things I'm not proud of and while in the moment I wasn't thinking. Afterwards, upon rethinking things, I realize the error of my ways and could only HOPE those people forgive me.

 

He's just acting to differently towards me now. He's apologized a hundred times and wants me to forgive him. He's also been pushing for this friendship and promises that there will be no physical component to it. And contrary to what others believe, I have not seen him since December 2012. God's honest truth. I'd have no reason to lie on here. I just feel that if he really is sorry and wants to give at least a frienship a chance, perhaps I should. You never know what can come from it, and at the very least, I may even realize "I" don't feel the same way about him anymore. There's also that slim possibility that he DID realize the error of his ways and is curious to see if there are any feelings left, no? He said he just wants to take it slow and spend some time here and there, but he doesn't want me to go expecting that something will happen in terms of us getting back togoether. He said to just let things unfold naturally so I would be kicking myself if I didn't at least see this through. Does ANYONE see my point?

[na49]

I think geegirl and Sheila will do a better job at responding to this than me. but I'll give it a shot because I feel for you JLC. We both have self esteem issues.

 

How do I use that ONE terrible thing he did, against the good of our entire year together? I know it was awful. But people make mistakes. I've done some things I'm not proud of and while in the moment I wasn't thinking. Afterwards, upon rethinking things, I realize the error of my ways and could only HOPE those people forgive me.

 

You're saying him jerking off while breaking up with you was a MISTAKE!?!?! Did he ever apologize for this by the way? Even if he did, was he sincere about it? Also it wasn't just one terrible thing he did to you based on everything you've written about him.

 

He's just acting to differently towards me now. He's apologized a hundred times and wants me to forgive him. He's also been pushing for this friendship and promises that there will be no physical component to it.

 

Hasn't he lied to you before. What makes you think he's changed? Be honest. Just because he told you he changed or because you want to believe he changed doesn't mean he changed.

 

I just feel that if he really is sorry and wants to give at least a frienship a chance, perhaps I should. You never know what can come from it, and at the very least, I may even realize "I" don't feel the same way about him anymore.

 

You're being silly. You can't handle friendship because you still think you're in love with him. (you aren't, by the way. Your ego has taken a major blow and this monster holds the only key to your happiness)

 

There's also that slim possibility that he DID realize the error of his ways and is curious to see if there are any feelings left, no?

 

No.

 

He said he just wants to take it slow and spend some time here and there, but he doesn't want me to go expecting that something will happen in terms of us getting back togoether. He said to just let things unfold naturally so I would be kicking myself if I didn't at least see this through.

 

Of course he wants to "take it slow" just like how our ex's tell us they just want to "take a break". What needs to unfold naturally? He needs to call you names? He needs to abuse you? Oh but his friends say he's a great guy right? They're his friends. I'd assume my friends would tell you I'm an angel. If you asked someone who didn't know me, they might tell you something different.

 

Does ANYONE see my point?

 

I don't think anyone here devalues themselves in the way you sound like you're devaluing yourself. I'm not one to talk about devaluing because I want a cheater to come back to me. My ex disrespected me, but yours was MUCH worse to you than mine was to me. I also stopped chasing mine pretty quickly, while you keep setting yourself up for failure. So while I could see your point, in this situation I don't know if I can or not. If he was talking about rekindling the relationship, MAYBE but he's telling you clear cut. Don't get any ideas.

 

You say you want to get over this. I don't believe you though. If you want to get over this, you know what you have to do. You don't want to get over this though. You want another chance with him and you blocked him so he would try harder and make you feel better. What has changed really? Even if he changed, you haven't done much to change so you'd have the same problems.

 

Counseling. Please go to counseling. I think this post sounds really harsh, but you don't need any sugar coating at this point.

Edited April 4, 2013 by na49

[geegirl]

One terrible thing? Below are more than one of the many ugly things he has done. You seem to easily forget. These are not mistakes. It's his character. It's his blatant disregard to bestow you any respect. This is how he is wired.

 

Over the course of the past 6 months, we've been in contact--mostly at my hand. Some things came out along the way:

~He said the way I ran my life made him think I was a '****ing idiot and not too bright' (nice thing to say to someone you once loved).

~Jerked off in front of me only moments after breaking the news

~Did not wish me a happy birthday FOUR DAYS after we broke up

~Wanted me to stay on the pill for "Ex-Sex"

~He said that until we start sleeping with other people, it's fine to sleep together without protection, but I later found out HE DID sleep with someone and he nearly exposed me to a possible STD. I now know why people say 'ex-sex' is a bad idea

~Openly discusses the dates he goes on

~I received some troubling news about a health condition of mine and when I alluded to it, he didn't care to find out what was wrong and just said "heal up well".

~Whenever I contacted him he's say really cruel things to me like "F*** off, and leave me alone"; "I don't want to marry you, I don't want to be your bf and I don't want you to be my gf"---And I must say I never swore, yelled or said anything mean to deserve this from him.

 

There is nothing more to say that can help you. Your self-esteem and self-respect is non-existent. You're diminished in such a way whereby you have zero boundaries and will tolerate and justify this man's actions/words in every which way possible to make it acceptable to you in order to have him in your life. I feel sorry for you. It's pathetic. Pages of advice, everyone from the outside seeing something totally different than what you are because you are in some fantasy land.

 

You can forgive him but it doesn't mean accepting him back into your life. That's the difference. Forgiving him doesn't erase what he did because he will do it again if you go back. Apologizing and forgiving doesn't change the fact that he is not a good person for you, FRIEND or more.

 

Please go to him and be his friend and hope that something more will come of it because you so desperately need this man to want you. There is no point in everyone wasting their time with you when you come back with the same drama over and over again. Sometimes you have to get kicked in the gut over and over until your lightbulb goes off that it's painful and it needs to stop.

 

In makes me sick to see you self-destruct this way. One day you will look back on this and wish you had the courage and self-love to expect more for yourself. I have to exit this thread. It's pathetic at this point.

Edited April 4, 2013 by geegirl

[Simon Phoenix]

Does ANYONE see my point?

 

Absolutely not. I don't know what the heck happened to you when you were a child to make you think this little of yourself, but whoever is responsible for it needs to get their ass beat.

[Simon Phoenix]

And I concur with geegirl. Go back to this guy, feel disrespected, be the s--t on his shoe. That's what you seem to want. It's hard to want to help someone who doesn't have any interest in helping themselves. I mean, you are a woman in your 30s -- teenage girls with very little experience and self-esteem issues aren't nearly as delusional as you are. It saddens me to see this.

[J_L_C]

Well...I guess I do have self-esteem issues because I sit here wondering why he was so great all the way along and then Suddenly his love just disappeared. He gave up and what we had clearly wasn't worth discussing or working on. Soooo...that leads me to believe there is something about ME that caused such a sudden shift. He would never have been capable of treating me that way while we were together.

 

The other thing is that now some other girl is going to get all those good things but I'm NOT for a reason. What is it about ME that he's turned like this on ME?

[Sheilalou008]

How do I use that ONE terrible thing he did, against the good of our entire year together? I know it was awful. But people make mistakes. I've done some things I'm not proud of and while in the moment I wasn't thinking. Afterwards, upon rethinking things, I realize the error of my ways and could only HOPE those people forgive me.

 

He's just acting to differently towards me now. He's apologized a hundred times and wants me to forgive him. He's also been pushing for this friendship and promises that there will be no physical component to it. And contrary to what others believe, I have not seen him since December 2012. God's honest truth. I'd have no reason to lie on here. I just feel that if he really is sorry and wants to give at least a frienship a chance, perhaps I should. You never know what can come from it, and at the very least, I may even realize "I" don't feel the same way about him anymore. There's also that slim possibility that he DID realize the error of his ways and is curious to see if there are any feelings left, no? He said he just wants to take it slow and spend some time here and there, but he doesn't want me to go expecting that something will happen in terms of us getting back togoether. He said to just let things unfold naturally so I would be kicking myself if I didn't at least see this through. Does ANYONE see my point?

 

Go and be his friend. I feel as though no matter what any of of say you are going to do what you feel is right. I am not sure what else there is left for him to do to make you see that he is trash. Yes, I am sure in a few short weeks he has changed and is back to who you think he was/is.

 

No, I do not see your point but I guess it really doesn't matter what any of of think. Be his friend and learn the hard way. I bet you dollars to donuts that he will be charming your pants off with his changed ways and of course, you will fall for it cus you love him.

 

You are in your 30's? I am as well, but let me tell you this...I would NEVER speak to this guy again if he did one of the many things this man did to you. Maybe I value myself a bit more, maybe I have more self esteem, maybe I am just different. No way, no how. At the age we are at we should have left this way of thinking back in our 20's.

 

I have no idea what you are thinking or why but it is crystal clear that no matter what anyone says that you are going to feel the way you feel and do as you please.

[Sheilalou008]

Well...I guess I do have self-esteem issues because I sit here wondering why he was so great all the way along and then Suddenly his love just disappeared. He gave up and what we had clearly wasn't worth discussing or working on. Soooo...that leads me to believe there is something about ME that caused such a sudden shift. He would never have been capable of treating me that way while we were together.

 

The other thing is that now some other girl is going to get all those good things but I'm NOT for a reason. What is it about ME that he's turned like this on ME?

 

It happens. How many relationships do you know that have just ended for whatever reason. It is the way of the world. Who cares if some other girl gets jerked off on while he breaks her heart? He is who he is and will be the same person. It isn't you! It is HIM? What about this does not penetrate your head?

[Zahara]

Well...I guess I do have self-esteem issues because I sit here wondering why he was so great all the way along and then Suddenly his love just disappeared. He gave up and what we had clearly wasn't worth discussing or working on. Soooo...that leads me to believe there is something about ME that caused such a sudden shift. He would never have been capable of treating me that way while we were together.

 

The other thing is that now some other girl is going to get all those good things but I'm NOT for a reason. What is it about ME that he's turned like this on ME?

 

 

You are so wanting to play victim. Oh, I was not good enough and he changed. Oh, I was annoying so that is why he called me stupid and good for nothing. Oh! I pushed him too much and that is why he became and assh0le. Oh, it was me that made him become a pig.

 

For phukk sake, find some dignity. I am sure while you are going on and on about how great he is, he's sitting there snickering to himself going, "Man, I treated that woman like crap and she's still on all fours waiting for me to play fetch with her."

 

Men don't have respect for women like you. And they will be nice to you because they know that all they have to do is give you a bone and you'll happily chew on it and roll over for them. This man wanted you to ride his dick only weeks ago. Trust me, his apology doesn't mean squat.

 

Get the heck up and find some value in yourself. I thought you were in your early 20s. If you're in your 30s and making these type of choices for yourself, you will be picking bad apples for a long time to come. As everyone has been saying, get yourself some counselling.

[Mack05]

JLC obviously you have self esteem issues, but there is much more happening under the surface here. You suffer from OCD/BPD. He suffers from narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). BPD's are either attracted to Codependents or Narcs. Both combinations are toxic.

 

Here is a brilliant explanation of your relationship -> HAVEN'T WE MET BEFORE? The Borderline/Narcissist Couple

 

Not sure what's best going forward. I don't believe either of you right now are capable of being in a emotionally healthy relationship. I would work with a mental health professional who is on expert on BPD.

[J_L_C]

Doesn't anyone here believe in Second chances and starting with a clean slate?

[Zahara]

Doesn't anyone here believe in Second chances and starting with a clean slate?

 

For F's sake. Go and be whatever you need to be to him and stop asking the same mind numbing, senseless, idiotic questions, over and over again. Please go to him. I agree with Geegee. The man doesn't even want anything to do with you other than rope you back in for sex. Been that way since you broke up. Engaged you everytime under the premise of sex.

 

You are surely not learning anything from the eleven pages of advice. Same questions over and over again. But, but, but...good god.

 

It's one thing if you are coming here and trying to find ways to improve yourself but you insist on taking that shovel and digging yourself a bottomless pit. Stay there and learn the hard way. There are people on this site that want to get better. Go get beaten up and then come back when you've had enough. Clearly, you're hungry for more abuse and drama.

Edited April 5, 2013 by Zahara

[Simon Phoenix]

Doesn't anyone here believe in Second chances and starting with a clean slate?

 

No matter how many times you rephrase the question, the answer is going to be the same. So stop asking. If you want to be his lapdog and his sex toy, go do it and stop trying to trick us into approving of your self-destructive, immature behavior. You don't want help.

Edited April 5, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[anna121]

Second chances? Sure, IF it's justified. As far as I can see, this guy has done nothing-zip-nada to earn that.

 

You want to give him a second chance so badly, you don't even care whether (a) he's worthy of it (b) he WANTS it. Newsflash - he couldn't care less whether you give him a second chance.

 

I'm sorry, but that's simply pathetic. You are giving him NO REASON to EVER treat you differently. And, he WON'T.

[na49]

I'm in no position to talk to anyone about being repetitive. (I wonder if how I feel when reading this thread is how others feel when reading my threads )

 

but JLC you really have to try to help yourself and it sounds like you don't want to. If you want to be with him, please just go be with him already. People come here for advice, not for permission to beg their ex to come back to them. You aren't doing yourself any favors. Why exactly did you block his number anyway? I blocked my ex's number so I could move on and believe it or not, 3 months later, I'm feeling much stronger than I did when I was still accepting contact from her.

 

Counseling. Please go to counseling. It's really helped me and it can help you too. It will flip your outlook on this upside down. Sometimes reading the advice doesn't stick with us like hearing it in person and discussing our feelings in person.

[Zahara]

And the douchebag didn't just wank while you cried, he also cheated on you 3 weeks before it ended and told you it was not cheating because he was done with you in his mind!!! And you come here and pathetically point out that he did ONE itty bitty terrible thing?

 

People have wasted 11 pages of on and on for this while you keep reasoning as to how he's such a great guy and second chances?!

 

Please, as many here suggested, you need therapy.

[Sheilalou008]

Doesn't anyone here believe in Second chances and starting with a clean slate?

 

My God! It just doesn't get through your head, does it? I think you are being obtuse on purpose.

 

Yes, I do believe in second chances...and more often than not they fail. HE HAS NOT CHANGED. Stop, just stop.

 

How many times do you need to bang your head against the same wall before it sinks in? Do you want us to tell you what you want to hear? Ok...

 

He is a changed man and is back to the guy who you loved. You two are meant to be, obviously! Men love chicks who have zero self esteem, dignity and like to be jerked off on. Go and be his friend, have sex, get stds, be his doormat. He is just perfect for you. I wish you the best of luck.

[Sheilalou008]

My God! This just annoys me beyond belief. I swear on a stack of bibles that I have never been this girl, even on my darkest of days. I may have issues and such but this goes farther than anything I have ever witnessed in my real life.

 

To be a woman a man respects, you have to have it for yourself. Being a doormat and a sex toy is just disgusting and degrading. I would never, ever in a million years act like this. I never measure my self worth on what anyone thinks of me. After my break up, which devastated me to my core, I never acted like this. I didn't allow myself to be taken for granted. I know I am a good woman and if my ex didn't want me and accept me, than there will always be another in time. I want to be taken seriously by someone I love, I will be nobody's puppet, I want a voice and be heard and respected.

 

Asking the same questions over and over in different ways hoping for validation is mind blowing. She obviously needs to go and be with him and find out for herself.

[geegirl]

JLC, you've exhausted all means of support and advice from the people that have posted on this thread.

 

There is no other way for you to grasp or educate yourself emotionally by going on with the same patterns, as in you trying to find loopholes whereby we will all agree and encourage you to go back to this man.

 

You have to learn in your own way. If you want to go back to him and you want to give him a second chance, please go. In that sense, we have no more to say. If you want to find ways to move forward as your goal, seek support when you are feeling weak while detaching from this man, we will try to help you.

 

Sometimes you have to reach rock bottom, and I mean to the point where you feel like s*** under his shoe, as Simon said, to finally get that realization that suffering through the pain of not being with him, is much, much more tolerable than going through emotional chaos with him. Until you get to that point, nothing anyone can say will get you off your train to hell.

 

And yes, don't come back with another question or comment followed by -- what if, maybe, could it be, why can't, etc. It's become futile to keep repeating ourselves over and over again. It's exhausting and it's frustrating.

 

Please reach out to him. Become his friend and see where it takes you. That is the only way you will know if he is worth it or not. And that is the only way you will learn.

Edited April 5, 2013 by geegirl

[Sheilalou008]

JLC, you've exhausted all means of support and advice from the people that have posted on this thread.

 

There is no other way for you to grasp or educate yourself emotionally by going on with the same patterns, as in you trying to find loopholes whereby we will all agree and encourage you to go back to this man.

 

You have to learn in your own way. If you want to go back to him and you want to give him a second chance, please go. In that sense, we have no more to say. If you want to find ways to move forward as your goal, seek support when you are feeling weak while detaching from this man, we will try to help you.

 

Sometimes you have to reach rock bottom, and I mean to the point where you feel like s*** under his shoe, as Simon said, to finally get that realization that suffering through the pain of not being with him, is much, much more tolerable than going through emotional chaos with him. Until you get to that point, nothing anyone can say will get you off your train to hell.

 

And yes, don't come back with another question or comment followed by -- what if, maybe, could it be, why can't, etc. It's become futile to keep repeating ourselves over and over again. It's exhausting and it's frustrating.

 

Please reach out to him. Become his friend and see where it takes you. That is the only way you will know if he is worth it or not. And that is the only way you will learn.

 

I just don't know what else to say to her. It is exhausting trying to help someone who clearly wants us to just agree with her. There are 11 pages with some amazing advice and she just doesn't want any of it. All the advice in the world can't help her.

 

Like you said, she will come back and ask the same questions over and over again.

[J_L_C]

Regardless of what everyone thinks on here, I have not been the one to initiate contact with my a**hole ex-boyfriend. A second chance isn't even in the cards right now...

 

That having been said, I want to put aside all the comments slamming me for my doubts, my upsets and my worries over this long-gone relationship. Let's say I am ready to move on and put this past me. How the hell do I even start? I don't contact him, yet it's tempting, but I do think about it a lot...and obviously when I say this I mean A LOT. That's the part that is stopping me from moving on. I can't stop thinking back to how good it was when we were together and I can't stop minimizing the bad things that happened after the breakup because my mind believes that's not who he is. So then, how do I proceed forth and actually give myself a chance that I may move beyond this?