Dilemma: To see him or not to see him?

[Sheilalou008]

Regardless of what everyone thinks on here, I have not been the one to initiate contact with my a**hole ex-boyfriend. A second chance isn't even in the cards right now...

 

That having been said, I want to put aside all the comments slamming me for my doubts, my upsets and my worries over this long-gone relationship. Let's say I am ready to move on and put this past me. How the hell do I even start? I don't contact him, yet it's tempting, but I do think about it a lot...and obviously when I say this I mean A LOT. That's the part that is stopping me from moving on. I can't stop thinking back to how good it was when we were together and I can't stop minimizing the bad things that happened after the breakup because my mind believes that's not who he is. So then, how do I proceed forth and actually give myself a chance that I may move beyond this?

 

I know you feel as though you are being slammed but how would you think if you read one of us posting the same thing over and over again? I have a feeling it wouldn't be far off what has happened in this thread.

 

You just have to stop. No one can tell you how beyond what advice had been given. I am not sure what else can be suggested besides the obvious. It doesn't matter who contacts who, you are accepting his advances. You have to IGNORE all of it, all the time, block everything. If you allow yourself to do this it will happen. You keep obsessing cus you have given yourself no time to heal. You keep talking to him, texting, emailing, whatever contact you have maintained. It isn't easy but it is doable.

[J_L_C]

I know you feel as though you are being slammed but how would you think if you read one of us posting the same thing over and over again? I have a feeling it wouldn't be far off what has happened in this thread.

 

You just have to stop. No one can tell you how beyond what advice had been given. I am not sure what else can be suggested besides the obvious. It doesn't matter who contacts who, you are accepting his advances. You have to IGNORE all of it, all the time, block everything. If you allow yourself to do this it will happen. You keep obsessing cus you have given yourself no time to heal. You keep talking to him, texting, emailing, whatever contact you have maintained. It isn't easy but it is doable.

 

I made it nearly a month and a half NC, which may not seem like a lot, but with the difficulties I've been having, it was something. The whole time I was NC though, I still thought about him all the time and to a small degree, it was worse in some ways because I had NO IDEA what he was up to and my mind went crazy with possibilities. How do you deal with that part once you finally let go of trying to hang on grip tight?

[Damsel in Distress]

NC starts to help with that by eliminating reminders and triggers of him. But clearly the obsessive thoughts remain in our heads. So you have to take some active steps to turn your attention TO YOURSELF instead of him. When you find yourself obsession you have to do something to distract yourself - get out of the house, tackle a project, get with friends, go work out, play an instrument, read a self-help book. You have to actively work to switch your focus away from him and your relationship and start returning to yourself as an independent person apart from him.

 

You can do it!!

[geegirl]

I made it nearly a month and a half NC, which may not seem like a lot, but with the difficulties I've been having, it was something. The whole time I was NC though, I still thought about him all the time and to a small degree, it was worse in some ways because I had NO IDEA what he was up to and my mind went crazy with possibilities. How do you deal with that part once you finally let go of trying to hang on grip tight?

 

You will still think of the ex and obsess and dwell when on NC. It took about three months to slowly shift my mind away from it. In addition to a good therapist, she provided me with coping skills when I would start going bananas. Month 6, I was free but there were times I'd see him and I'd stumble a bit but up on my feet In a flash.

 

That's the nature of NC. It's to remove yourself from what's going on with the ex, to eliminate all triggers, to cease yourself from being a part of or knowing what's going on in his life so that you can move on. It's work and effort to get through it.

 

Your mind going crazy, is something you have to control. If crazy is all it knows, you have to train it to go another route. "Is ex with another woman tonight?" Stop that brain. Reiterate why it's not important to you. "It's not my business anymore because I need to focus on my own journey." Pick up a book. Put an exercise video on. Take a walk. Knit. Call a friend. Journal the bad and read it. Go volunteer.

 

If you DWELL on a bad thought, it'll grow like weeds. You have to make a conscious effort to stop yourself and reverse the focus back to you. You can't sit there and think of something and dwell and mope and let it overtake you. You'll never release yourself if you keep festering.

 

And if you can believe the good, why won't you believe the bad. It reared it's ugly head for a reason, but more so because it exists.

[J_L_C]

You will all be proud. Funnily enough, I have been REALLY sick with a terrible cold this weekend and have literally been bed ridden. As a result I have had A LOT of time to think. I've reflected over all of the terrible things my ex-boyfriend did post breakup. I've had a chance to really internalize it all and I see that he really was unfair to me. As a result, I have made the conscious decision to move on. I'm still really sad and I keep thinking about how good he was to me IN the relationship though, and as a result I'm a little bit worried that THOSE thoughts are going to be the ones to supercede the bad ones again. I want to move on. I am ready. But any advice as to how to overcome all the good thoughts and therefore not wind up romanticizing him again?

[Sheilalou008]

You will all be proud. Funnily enough, I have been REALLY sick with a terrible cold this weekend and have literally been bed ridden. As a result I have had A LOT of time to think. I've reflected over all of the terrible things my ex-boyfriend did post breakup. I've had a chance to really internalize it all and I see that he really was unfair to me. As a result, I have made the conscious decision to move on. I'm still really sad and I keep thinking about how good he was to me IN the relationship though, and as a result I'm a little bit worried that THOSE thoughts are going to be the ones to supercede the bad ones again. I want to move on. I am ready. But any advice as to how to overcome all the good thoughts and therefore not wind up romanticizing him again?

 

It will happen cus you did care. We always overlook the bad and remember the good. Just keep in the back of your head how poorly he treated you during a terrible time.

 

Just take time for you. Baby steps.

[geegirl]

You will all be proud. Funnily enough, I have been REALLY sick with a terrible cold this weekend and have literally been bed ridden. As a result I have had A LOT of time to think. I've reflected over all of the terrible things my ex-boyfriend did post breakup. I've had a chance to really internalize it all and I see that he really was unfair to me. As a result, I have made the conscious decision to move on. I'm still really sad and I keep thinking about how good he was to me IN the relationship though, and as a result I'm a little bit worried that THOSE thoughts are going to be the ones to supercede the bad ones again. I want to move on. I am ready. But any advice as to how to overcome all the good thoughts and therefore not wind up romanticizing him again?

 

The good thoughts will come and will supercede the bad. Idealizing will happen but you have to control yourself and focus on the reality of the situation. Just as you soon remember the good, you will counter with what you experienced with him post break-up. When it's not consistent, it isn't real. He was not showing you all of him. People are on their best behavior at the beginning of a relationship. What happens after that, when the honeymoon is over, what emerges after that is who that person really is.

 

You will romanticize. Just understand that it's unrealistic.

[J_L_C]

You're right. Oh and just to add to the list of terrible behaviours and comments post breakup. I was clearing through some papers and found the index cards I used to write down all the negatives so I could keep them close by when I was feeling week. I was reading through them and I totally forgot something else he said only weeks after the break up. Each time we talked I'd cry. I told him I couldn't help it because I missed him so much. His reply? "What the hell do you want me to do about that, suck your d**k?" Wow. No words of comfort in that!

[geegirl]

I wouldn't want to have a "friend" that comforts me that way when I'm sad.