Sherlock Holmes couldn't figure this out!

[J_L_C]

I posted an earlier thread about a specific concern I've been having with my ex, but what I am about to post next, is a plea to all of you. I need help in 'decoding' my ex-bf's behaviours following our breakup. It's left me questioning things even 7 months later and it's preventing me from completely moving on. I need unbiased people who are impartial and don't know me.

 

Our breakup was very sudden and it came out of nowhere. The evening before he dropped the bomb, he was exactly the same as he'd been throughout our relationship. I was blind-sided.

 

Anyway, his behaviour changed almost THE VERY MINUTE he broke the news. He immediately didn't want to talk about it or give me reasons, NOTHING. He basically just said "I'm not in love with you anymore. I had to pull the trigger on this once and for all" Once and for all??? WTF. I didn't know anything was wrong until that very moment! He said I needed to leave his house and give him some space. I got REALLY upset and ran up to his room to get my stuff. He followed me upstairs (I guess he felt a little bad) and tried to explain SOME of the things to me. After that, he proceeded to get one more romp in the hay. The nerve! I obviously turned him down. But here is the kicker: He said he was too fired up and needed to finish himself off! So there I was, sitting on the bed, crying my eyes out because I had NO CLUE what was going on, while he lay there and relieved himself!!!!!! I was in so much shock I couldn't even believe or process what was going on.

 

A week later, I decided to go to his place and return some of his things. BIG MISTAKE..definitely should have called first. There was a girl there. A WEEK AFTER. He says he met her 3-weeks before we split. I was thinking "Hmm, 3 weeks eh?" Interesting because he said his feelings started to change over the last 3 weeks of us being together. He claims nothing happened while he and I were still together. He said he met her at a bar when he went out after work with friends, admitted he asked for her number and they had been in text message conversations back-and-forth. No contact. I'm not sure if I buy it, but he definitely didn't seem like the type of person who would ever be unfaithful. At the very least, this was sneaky and classfies as emotional cheating.

 

Over the course of the past 6 months, we've been in contact--mostly at my hand. Some things came out along the way:

~He said the way I ran my life made him think I was a '****ing idiot and not too bright' (nice thing to say to someone you once loved).

~Jerked off in front of me only moments after breaking the news

~Did not wish me a happy birthday FOUR DAYS after we broke up

~Wanted me to stay on the pill for "Ex-Sex"

~He said that until we start sleeping with other people, it's fine to sleep together without protection, but I later found out HE DID sleep with someone and he nearly exposed me to a possible STD. I now know why people say 'ex-sex' is a bad idea

~Openly discusses the dates he goes on

~I received some troubling news about a health condition of mine and when I alluded to it, he didn't care to find out what was wrong and just said "heal up well".

~Whenever I contacted him he's say really cruel things to me like "F*** off, and leave me alone"; "I don't want to marry you, I don't want to be your bf and I don't want you to be my gf"---And I must say I never swore, yelled or said anything mean to deserve this from him.

 

It just seemed that once he made up his mind (in that very moment which is ridiculous), he wanted to wipe his memory clean of my existence.

 

How does someone go from being so sweet, loving and caring and then suddenly turn on you seemingly overnight? Once he was finally out of the relationship, I wasn't worth the respect and kindness I deserved in the way the whole breakup happened. Was it too much for me to expect that he would have sat me down and explained things in a sensitive manner? That he should have taken my feelings into consideration and not allowed for ANY of the behaviours above to have happened?

[Lillygoose]

Oh, it sounds so much like my story in bits.

 

 

Do yourself a favor and I know it will hurt but be glad you're out of there now..

 

 

By the sounds of it, he is just a manipulative twat.

 

and you can do better, you deserve better then him.

 

I went through it, the moment he said it was over the kind loving boy I knew changed. And now hes horrible.

 

but the girl hes next in will deal with that horrible man.

 

you dont have too, you will find someone better

 

hugs xx

[Toddbt12y1]

Sure, I can crack this case!

 

Seriously, he was never the good-caring person you thought he was. He was putting on light; like an angel of darkness, putting on light, to fool someone. He was two-faced.

He never loved you. Simple as that. Sucks, but he never did.

 

You need to stop going by his place; stop contacting him. Or anything to do to this disturbed fool.

 

He jacks off in front of you? Dang, you where nothing but a piece of tail to him. He just revealed his true colors; sex is what he loves, not you. He cheated on you. Don't weep over someone like this.

 

His behavior? Sadistic. His behavior? Sick. His behavior? Worthless. He is worthless.

[Toddbt12y1]

Oh yes, he manipulated you. It's what scum does, dear...If I weren't dead-tired, I could better explain this too you. To think, I logged on my comp, just to try..Here I am unable to say the right words..sigh*

 

He manipulated you; just don't believe this fool. He is trying to be sadistic and hurt you. He is evil...he needs his ass kicked hard.

[J_L_C]

It's really hard to think that he was "a wolf in sheep's clothing" so to speak. It baffles me that NONE of this negative behaviour EVER came out while we were together. I would NEVER have guessed he had these kinds of things in him. He was always very sensitive, understanding, supportive, there for me, loving, etc. But the minute we were done, all of THIS crap came out.

 

The jacking off in front of me was absolutely disgusting. He said he was sorry for it, but I told him there are just some things that apologies just can't take away. I will remember that forever.

 

Also, meeting this girl at the bar really hit the core of who I am. I've always had trust issues in relationships, and it took a lot for me to trust him. He gave me no reason to DIStrust him though. He didn't care if I saw his phone, he left his email open all the time and we were literally together 24/7. But 3 weeks before he broke it off, he met that girl and got her number. I don't think he would have slept with her while we were together, I really don't. But I'm pretty sure they had a date or two before we split. This hurts so much.

[destroyed4sho]

I felt like someone was stabbing me thru my heart as i read this.i think i held.my breathe a little until i got to the end.

He sounds like an oversexed teenager. How old is this man?

He found different tail and went for it...obviously he had no real love for you. He could of been infatuated with you or "in love" with you whatever that means but no real love. He wouldn't have even looked at another girl if he did.

He sounds like a selfish individual incapable.of loving someone bc he lacks empathy.He will do the same to this new girl.

Sounds like narcissist.

Sounds like he is sadistic...he got turned on by hurting you!!

 

Sadistic Narcissist.

Case cracked.

[Toddbt12y1]

If he went on a date or two, that's cheating too. It is hard to believe, isn't it? But the fact is, many other's, myself included, have been fooled by people seemingly innocent, who weren't.

 

You don't suddenly become a monster; it happens in time; or, you are that way long before you meet the person, i.e. you.

 

He is a wolf. You were his meat. He devoured you. That's what jackasses like him do.

[J_L_C]

See, this is why I decided to post. All of you have given such great insight that is just so 'dead-on'. I really appreciate it.

 

It's interesting about the narcissistic comment. Many of my friends have told me he is completely self-absorbed and can't see past the glow of his own greatness. The relationship really was based around him...he lives about 45min North of me and I was always the one who had to drive up there to his place. He rarely made it down to my end of the city. It was always HIS place. We always did things with HIS friends and family. If he had errands or places to go, it was always based around HIS stuff. Whenever I needed to go somewhere, he asked me 'don't be long please' or if we went to MY friends' place, he asked if he'd be "BORED".

 

He is a 32 year-old BOY. He is quite immature for his age. He still lives at home and has all of the conveniences of such. He is in the process of waiting for a new condo to be build, but whether he moves into it is another story completely.

 

Another thing that struck me as odd, was his dating life...both prior to and after me. Before he met me, he literally dated a different girl every single night of the week. Once he found me, he said he had to 'break a lot of hearts' when he chose to become exclusive with us. Since we've broken up, again, he's dating every single night of the week. If he goes into a store, he has to chat up the ladies. If he is in a doctor's office waiting, he has to chat up the ladies. No matter where he is, he has to chat up the ladies. He can't miss a possible opportunity for a chance to meet someone.

He claims he is on a hunt for his soul-mate, THE ONE, his future wife. But it comes off as quite desperate when he's literally using every single situation as a possible grooming ground.

 

He is most definitely obsessed with sex. I was weak at the beginning of the break up and admittedly, we had slept together a few times. It was hurtful to know that he could just use me like that. He used to give me some BS line about there still being emotions left and it was JUST sex for him. He even scared me a little and tried some new stuff that he NEVER did while we were together. Scary and uncomfortable stuff.

 

It's just really scary that I never saw THIS person while I was with him. Honestly, he flipped-turned into a different person the MINUTE he broke the news to me. He went from sweet, loving and affectionate, to dismissive, verbally abusive, condescending and chauvinistic!

[Toddbt12y1]

Yeah he sounds narcissistic. You should be happy. A pretty girl like you. I mean, you dodged a bullet. Different girls every night? Yeah, he's a player. He's filthy too. He will always have misery though.

 

However, a cute girl like you! Would have all the chances of moving on to finding a real, true love, no

 

See, no need for tears from those pretty eyes anymore over some jerk like this. He will get what's coming to him.

[grace777]

Oh man, JLC. That was so painful and sickening to read. And your last post about scary sex - wow.

 

Everyone is all about NO CONTACT on this site. I can say without hesitation, that you need to seriously CUT ALL TIES! Do it all. Delete his number. Jeez, change your number even!

 

You must run away from this man. He is beyond disturbed, gross, yes - sadistic, disrespectful, and 100% just a horrible freak of a human being.

 

Furthermore, I wouldn't put sociopath beyond his description. Because frankly, he's always been this way - he just hid it from you for however long you were together.

 

Bail! Bail hard, bail fast, bail now! Get the Hell away from this guy. He scares me and it upsets me greatly that you had to experience this.

 

I'm very sorry for what you've gone through. Seek therapy if necessary. But please, please cut all ties and leave for good.

[J_L_C]

He has pretty much justified his 'dating addiction' to simply "enjoying meeting new people" and "I'm looking for the one, my wife, my teammate". He has a profile on many online dating websites and meets a new girl practically every night. We actually met online and I didn't realize that at the time, I was one of the 30 girls he met that very summer. It hurts though. He slapped up that dating profile less than 2 weeks after we broke up. Serious question: What possesses someone to feel the need to meet a new girl and have a date basically every night of the week? He couldn't even take a break for even a SHORT period of time after we split, to reflect, chill out, etc.

 

I'm pretty sure he thought he could build something special with the girl he met at the bar while we were still together. He said she had a 'wow' factor, but lately no one has 'wow'd' him. He also said I wrecked any chances he had with that girl. Are you f'ing kidding me?! I dropped off your stuff a week after you dumped me, you've already got a girl there and "I" ruined things?! He actually said "I was disturbing his romantic evening". It's almost as though he couldn't comprehend that I was hurt.

 

It's just so tough because he was great with my family and friends, he was really career driven, he was supportive all the way through whenever I needed him, affectionate and loving...etc, etc. It's not like I missed red flags or anything, he was GENUINELY a good person. Once we broke up and I saw all this strange new behaviour, I wondered if I maybe drove him to it. Either that or he built up so much resentment towards me near the end and this was his release of frustration at me.

[grace777]

Oh my lord - why in the hell are you blaming yourself or the downfall of your relationship for his actions.

 

Further, I rest my case on the sociopath thing. Look into it. He plays a role convincingly for a long period of time...all a lie. Also, he feels he's justified for his cruel actions.

 

The fact that he lives with his parents at 32 also states something of his character. Seriously, this guy could be the star of a disturbing psycho-thriller directed by David Lynch or someone.

 

I stand my case. Cut and run. Now. No need to break this down anymore. He's nuts and you are not. Bail!

[J_L_C]

He claims he still lives at home because of the condo being built. I told him he should just rent a place while he's waiting so he can have his independence but he says he prefers it at home. Weird.

 

Also, seriously, what goes through the mind of someone who needs to date for sport like this? Is he just really desperate to find THE ONE? Does he have issues with remaining single? Insecure? On the flip side maybe he thinks he's Rico Suave and can swoon all these girls, get an ego boost and maybe sex?

 

I don't think I'll ever be able to move past the shock of who he really is. He told me I frustrated him with all the contact and that "I" drove him to act this way. I said "I couldn't have driven you to be this way. Nobody just starts acting a certain way unless it was in them to begin with"

[mcdo]

~Jerked off in front of me only moments after breaking the news

Say what???

[Toddbt12y1]

Whistles* what if he was lying about said condo?

 

Don't blame yourself for his evil.

 

Pretty lady, move on to better people. Nothing is great about him; other then he's great at running people off.

[J_L_C]

I guess I'm having such a hard time moving on because he was so serious about us for so long. When he ended it, it seemed like he never cared. We were best friends and then, POOF!! He was gone. No signs, nothing.

 

All the things I listed above were horrible things to do to me. But how was it that he had such a lack of respect left for me? He doesn't care that he's left me devastated. He's just moved on, is happy and dating a new girl off the net every single day of the week on this search to find his wife. It really makes me feel like garbage.

[Simon Phoenix]

The only way Sherlock Holmes couldn't figure this situation out is if he was drunk off his ass. You dated a tumbling d--kweed who has no respect for your feelings. That's the gist of it.

[Hopeful714]

Google narcissism and read to your hearts content. Many of the questions you asked will be answered. Sounds like a classic case.

 

Google Sam Vaknin, the dude is a self proclaimed one who wrote tons on it that's spot on...and actually pretty fascinating.

 

The masturbation thing....whoa! What a d-bag! lol

 

RUN...far far away forever. NC is the only way for you!

[J_L_C]

I'm definitely going to look in reading up on 'narcissism'. Thanks for the tip.

 

I appreciate all of the advice that everyone has offered me. I wish I were able to brush these feelings off more easily. He's completely destroyed my trust. I think I've decided not to involve myself in another relationship. I don't want to risk feeling this way again. Plus, he never gave me ANY indication of anything being wrong. He just dropped the bomb on me that morning and seemingly walked away that very day...completely unscathed.

 

He was fantastic during the relationship. It was only in the break-up that I saw his true colours. He gets terribly upset with me when I tell him I don't think he ever 'truly' loved me. He protests each time. He says he just sort of fell out of love with me and that was that. But to not give me any signs along the way? That's just unfair.

 

It's been a long 7 months since this breakup. He keeps saying that if couples ever do try again, it can't be for a long, long time or else they'll just break up for similar reasons. I just can't let go of this little piece of hope in my heart.

[Simon Phoenix]

You realize you are wasting time pining over an a--hole don't you? What the heck do you hope for, more bouts of him jerking off while you are in an argument. This dude did you a favor by breaking up with you. Now it's time for you to find someone who isn't awful.

[J_L_C]

I'm having such a hard time still because of the person he was to me throughout our entire year together. I never saw any of these tendencies in him until the day it was done. The minute he told me it was over, it's as though he didn't hold any further reason to be kind or respectful of me. He snapped that he wasn't in love with me anymore, I am no longer a priority in his life and he finally needed to pull the trigger. I just don't understand why he didn't share his doubts and communicate with me before dropping the bomb on me. And then he got mad at me for asking questions about why it was done??!

 

The other thing I can't let go of is the fact that he met a girl at a bar 3 weeks before ending things with me. He justified it by saying he was already mentally out of our relationship. Plus he didn't consider it to be cheating since nothing physical happened. He says he asked for her number and all they did was text for a few weeks. It wasn't until the week AFTER we broke up, that I found out. I had gone to his house to drop some stuff off and there she was. My ex was pissed at me for ruining his romantic evening. The girl didnt even know he was still in a relationship when they met!!! Is this still cheating? Even though in HIS mind we were almost done?

[Simon Phoenix]

None of that stuff matters. At all. It's purely colored bubbles. What matters is that he's done and quite frankly, he doesn't give a crap afbout your feelings on the matter. You are trying to find logic in the illogical, which is one of the biggest wastes of times there is.

 

You need to stop all this and you need to figure out why you are so needy for attention and acceptance from someone who clearly doesn't give a crap.

[J_L_C]

That's my problem exactly. I can't seem to just let it go. The shock of how it came from out of the blue is still affecting me I suppose. Literally up until the day of, nothing was wrong...but then boom....he was gone...just like that. I don't know if it's 'neediness' on my part. I think it has more to do with the fact that I'm in disbelief that someone who claimed to love me so much, could just get up and leave without looking back even once. I wish the bastard gave me some clues or signs that it was coming...but he gave me nothing.

 

I'm not sure I want to ever become involved with anyone ever again. Things could be going swimmingly, but at any given moment, the carpet could be pulled from beneath me. I think it's really unfair to the person you shared a connection with. I deserved a lot more in the way that things fell apart. It's not right to just drop a bomb out of nowhere and walk away, wanting nothing more to do with the person...when just the day before, they were saying how much they loved you. I feel so betrayed. If the roles were reversed, I would never have proceeded in this manner.

[Simon Phoenix]

That's my problem exactly. I can't seem to just let it go. The shock of how it came from out of the blue is still affecting me I suppose. Literally up until the day of, nothing was wrong...but then boom....he was gone...just like that. I don't know if it's 'neediness' on my part. I think it has more to do with the fact that I'm in disbelief that someone who claimed to love me so much, could just get up and leave without looking back even once. I wish the bastard gave me some clues or signs that it was coming...but he gave me nothing.

 

I'm not sure I want to ever become involved with anyone ever again. Things could be going swimmingly, but at any given moment, the carpet could be pulled from beneath me. I think it's really unfair to the person you shared a connection with. I deserved a lot more in the way that things fell apart. It's not right to just drop a bomb out of nowhere and walk away, wanting nothing more to do with the person...when just the day before, they were saying how much they loved you. I feel so betrayed. If the roles were reversed, I would never have proceeded in this manner.

 

The result is still the same though, no matter how it went down. He could have been the nicest person in the world, fact is that he still broke up with you. Personally, it would mess me up more if they were too nice about it than what you got. The way he treated you was so bad that I would have been like "f--k him, he's a douche". Would have made it a lot easier to move on.

 

That being said, we're all different. But after seven months, there's absolutely nothing to figure out. He broke up with you in an insulting way and shows no remorse. You don't need a secret decoder ring.

[J_L_C]

The result is still the same though, no matter how it went down. He could have been the nicest person in the world, fact is that he still broke up with you. Personally, it would mess me up more if they were too nice about it than what you got. The way he treated you was so bad that I would have been like "f--k him, he's a douche". Would have made it a lot easier to move on.

 

That being said, we're all different. But after seven months, there's absolutely nothing to figure out. He broke up with you in an insulting way and shows no remorse. You don't need a secret decoder ring.

 

My troubles have been in weighing the way he behaved in the short time frame after the break versus the consistent way he was with me during the entire length of the relationship. I understand what you are saying though. There are reasons for me to cling to that are helping me to reason through my pain. At the same time though, I'm sure you can understand my sheer frustration and confusion over how someone who was a certain way (positive in every sense) and then once it's done, his behaviour converts to this (negative in every sense).