Simon Phoenix Posted March 6, 2013 Share Posted March 6, 2013 (edited) My troubles have been in weighing the way he behaved in the short time frame after the break versus the consistent way he was with me during the entire length of the relationship. I understand what you are saying though. There are reasons for me to cling to that are helping me to reason through my pain. At the same time though, I'm sure you can understand my sheer frustration and confusion over how someone who was a certain way (positive in every sense) and then once it's done, his behaviour converts to this (negative in every sense). Initially, sure. Seven months later, no, I don't understand. You need to work on you, stop dwelling on him. You can't control him. And you aren't going to evolve if you keep obsessing. The way he was before the break does not matter. You don't seem to grasp this and until you do, you aren't going to improve at all. Edited March 6, 2013 by Simon Phoenix 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author J_L_C Posted March 6, 2013 Author Share Posted March 6, 2013 Initially, sure. Seven months later, no, I don't understand. You need to work on you, stop dwelling on him. You can't control him. And you aren't going to evolve if you keep obsessing. The way he was before the break does not matter. You don't seem to grasp this and until you do, you aren't going to improve at all. I'm worried about future relationships. I trusted him so fully and completely. I believed he was a certain way, with specific values. The fact that he turned out to be someone I basically didn't know really scares me. What if I'm 'blind' to it again in someone else? I never saw this coming from him and I'm a very smart woman. I normally see signs and signals in someone. But there was NOTHING with him. Now I feel like I couldn't ever fully trust without wondering if there is something hidden. This is partly why I've obsessed over this much longer than I should have. Perhaps I'm trying to find a reason for the switch, even subconsciously. But I'm more afraid of moving forward for fear that it could happen all over again. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted March 6, 2013 Share Posted March 6, 2013 I'm worried about future relationships. I trusted him so fully and completely. I believed he was a certain way, with specific values. The fact that he turned out to be someone I basically didn't know really scares me. What if I'm 'blind' to it again in someone else? I never saw this coming from him and I'm a very smart woman. I normally see signs and signals in someone. But there was NOTHING with him. Now I feel like I couldn't ever fully trust without wondering if there is something hidden. This is partly why I've obsessed over this much longer than I should have. Perhaps I'm trying to find a reason for the switch, even subconsciously. But I'm more afraid of moving forward for fear that it could happen all over again. So you are going to let this guy continue to defeat you then? That's silly. So you unwittingly became involved with a douchebag. It happens. You can't let this destroy your life from here on out. That's no solution. As a "smart" woman, you should realize how foolish you sound right now. But seriously, you aren't going to get an answer that ever satisfies you. It's just never going to happen and it's worthless to try. Sometimes people are weird or just suck and there's nothing you can do about it. That doesn't mean you quit living life. Are you really going to give up and let this guy continue to mess you up? Are you really going to let this douchebag win? My personal philosophy is to trust people until they give you a reason not to. Then you don't. Judging all men by one moron is just really, really, foolish. But you really have to get off of this "trying to figure it out" stage. There is not one answer that will satisfy you. It will just prompt more questions. This isn't an algebraic formula where x equals a certain number. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author J_L_C Posted March 6, 2013 Author Share Posted March 6, 2013 So you are going to let this guy continue to defeat you then? That's silly. So you unwittingly became involved with a douchebag. It happens. You can't let this destroy your life from here on out. That's no solution. As a "smart" woman, you should realize how foolish you sound right now. But seriously, you aren't going to get an answer that ever satisfies you. It's just never going to happen and it's worthless to try. Sometimes people are weird or just suck and there's nothing you can do about it. That doesn't mean you quit living life. Are you really going to give up and let this guy continue to mess you up? Are you really going to let this douchebag win? My personal philosophy is to trust people until they give you a reason not to. Then you don't. Judging all men by one moron is just really, really, foolish. But you really have to get off of this "trying to figure it out" stage. There is not one answer that will satisfy you. It will just prompt more questions. This isn't an algebraic formula where x equals a certain number. I'm almost embarassed to say this on here, but I should mention that I do have OCD. I tend to ruminate more than the average individual. My mind gets stuck on a track it can't break free from. This is a large reason for my difficulties in moving on. I was also diagnosed with depression so I'm feeling extra low as a result of this happening. I've dated a lot of guys and have usually been spot on with certain behaviours, signs and signals. I really thought he was going to be the one for me and I just feel foolish now after seeing what he's truly capable of. I'm trying to keep myself busy, seeing friends and family, doing things I enjoy, but it's been tough. Really tough. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted March 6, 2013 Share Posted March 6, 2013 I'm almost embarassed to say this on here, but I should mention that I do have OCD. I tend to ruminate more than the average individual. My mind gets stuck on a track it can't break free from. This is a large reason for my difficulties in moving on. I was also diagnosed with depression so I'm feeling extra low as a result of this happening. I've dated a lot of guys and have usually been spot on with certain behaviours, signs and signals. I really thought he was going to be the one for me and I just feel foolish now after seeing what he's truly capable of. I'm trying to keep myself busy, seeing friends and family, doing things I enjoy, but it's been tough. Really tough. We all misread things. You aren't the first and won't be the last. And have you thought of talking to a counselor or a professional about some of this stuff? It might do you some good. But yeah, you can't let this guy continue to cast a shadow over your life. He screwed you over once -- you can't let him continue to beat you down after he's gone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author J_L_C Posted March 7, 2013 Author Share Posted March 7, 2013 We all misread things. You aren't the first and won't be the last. And have you thought of talking to a counselor or a professional about some of this stuff? It might do you some good. But yeah, you can't let this guy continue to cast a shadow over your life. He screwed you over once -- you can't let him continue to beat you down after he's gone. I have spoken with a counselor...over the entire course of the 7 months since we broke up actually. It's tough though because they just give you pros and cons and leave me to make the decision...which is what I've been having trouble with in the first place. I just don't want to let a 'possible' opporunity pass me by 'should' there even be one. I think I may regret not meeting up with him as I will always wonder 'what if'. He's an odd duck this one and sometimes it only takes a certain situation to change his mind about something. But...I hear what everyone is telling me and that it may hurt me as well. It's a tug-o-war in my head right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Simon Phoenix Posted March 7, 2013 Share Posted March 7, 2013 I have spoken with a counselor...over the entire course of the 7 months since we broke up actually. It's tough though because they just give you pros and cons and leave me to make the decision...which is what I've been having trouble with in the first place. I just don't want to let a 'possible' opporunity pass me by 'should' there even be one. I think I may regret not meeting up with him as I will always wonder 'what if'. He's an odd duck this one and sometimes it only takes a certain situation to change his mind about something. But...I hear what everyone is telling me and that it may hurt me as well. It's a tug-o-war in my head right now. What the heck is wrong with you to want an "opportunity"? I'm sorry to be so blunt, but your thoughts are just insane IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Author J_L_C Posted March 8, 2013 Author Share Posted March 8, 2013 Wishful thinking I guess. I had hoped for so long that he would come back and we'd figure out what the hell happened. I suppose I wished for an opportunity to see him again and have the past return. But I know it won't. I miss the way it was and I guess I've just had such a hard time accepting it won't be that way again. Ive decided to NOT meet up with him afterall. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts