ja123 Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 I'm glad to hear that you're not going to contact him. Here's a couple of articles you might like: Why wasn't I enough for him/her? Why don't they want me? | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue Building Boundaries for Healthier Relationships | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted February 12, 2013 Author Share Posted February 12, 2013 (edited) I'm glad to hear that you're not going to contact him. Here's a couple of articles you might like: Why wasn't I enough for him/her? Why don't they want me? | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue Building Boundaries for Healthier Relationships | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue I just read both of those articles, and I have to say thank you very much. They are both an eye-opener. I even feel as if the first one was actually written for me; it suits my situation to a T. Thanks very much. Edited February 12, 2013 by Sweeetie Link to post Share on other sites
oldschool1 Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 I really don't think it's a big deal to send a quick text. If he isn't interested, then a single text isn't going to ruin anything. Either he will ignore it or provide closure. If he IS interested, then it gets the ball rolling again. This does not make Sweetie a doormat!! I was once dating a guy who started to slow down his texts/calls after the 6th date. A family issue had him preoccupied. I smelled trouble instantly and asked him whether he had changed his mind about dating with me (and he had been REALLY into me before). He DID explain what was going on, and I wished him well. Do I really know what was going on with him? No, but I got closure and felt like LESS of a doormat for speaking up. Why be afraid of a man? If he doesn't want to answer your text, then he doesn't have to. But most people will do the decent thing if given the choice (I always have). Link to post Share on other sites
reptilelover88 Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 Wow, I dated so many men like this in the past. They're universally not worth it! In my case, I would inevitably try to contact them when I couldn't bear it any longer, and I'd usually get a response with some kind of lame excuse - and then exactly the same cycle would start all over again! They'd pick up sex where they could get it and fade in and out of contact. Now that I've worked on my self-esteem, I take this view: Even if I DID get a more positive response, I wouldn't be comfortable dating someone who could just drop me and pick me up again like that. My current boyfriend has been constant from the beginning and not one day has gone by where he has had to make excuses for lame behaviour. His actions match his words. It's a cliche, but you really do deserve someone who treats you consistently and, even in the event of a breakup, won't just disappear on you. Hold out for that! I would also recommend the BaggageReclaim blog as I have found its no-nonsense approach very helpful in the past. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pbjbear Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 Why in the world do you want closure from this guy??? Do you have ANY self respect or self esteem? *facepalm* Stop posting on LS and go see a mental health counselor... Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 Push for closure enough, and he may very well take you up on the "date 6" promise, THEN walk away. Is that what you want? From the texts you posted, that he wrote you explaining his idea of taking it slow, is it possible, just possible, that the thought of following thru on #6 was too much pressure? I can't imagine having a set time/date for having sex! It happens when it's right (okay, sometimes when it's not). But it's the benefits of age, wisdom and experience that allows us to know the difference. Count yourself as having narrowly escaped this one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted February 12, 2013 Author Share Posted February 12, 2013 (edited) If he IS interested, then it gets the ball rolling again. [/QUOT Edited February 12, 2013 by Sweeetie 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AverageCat Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 Thanks for your post. But what you've said in this sentence- if he was even slightly interested, he wouldn't have gone off the trail for 8 days would he? I don't feel like chasing a guy who I clearly don't mean much to. If he does want to see me again upon me contacting him, it'll only be to do what he'd been wanting to do from the start- to sleep with me. If he wanted anything more, he would have been interested enough to send me a text at some point these last 8 days. I'm worth more than being somebody's pretty doll. So I'm not going to contact him. WHY? I haven't read all your other threads. But this is as far as I know. You obviously haven't started contact ever. (since right now you're debating whether to contact or not for 8 ****ing days. A simple "Hey goof : )" would have worked. You gave him some excuse about not wanting to **** him, but rather have him keep investing on you. HOW IS THIS GUY SUPPOSED TO KNOW YOU'RE INTO HIM? Just because you've went out with him a few times? If i was in the guys shoes (with the above info and nothing else), I might have gone No Contact too. Why invest in someone who's clearly not investing in you.. Link to post Share on other sites
Drseussgrrl Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 WHY? I haven't read all your other threads. But this is as far as I know. You obviously haven't started contact ever. (since right now you're debating whether to contact or not for 8 ****ing days. A simple "Hey goof : )" would have worked. You gave him some excuse about not wanting to **** him, but rather have him keep investing on you. HOW IS THIS GUY SUPPOSED TO KNOW YOU'RE INTO HIM? Just because you've went out with him a few times? If i was in the guys shoes (with the above info and nothing else), I might have gone No Contact too. Why invest in someone who's clearly not investing in you.. Please, please PLEASE read her other thread about this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
ja123 Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 I just read both of those articles, and I have to say thank you very much. They are both an eye-opener. I even feel as if the first one was actually written for me; it suits my situation to a T. Thanks very much. I'm so glad to hear that you read the articles! Stick to your guns, Sweetie, and don't contact him! We're rooting for you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted February 13, 2013 Author Share Posted February 13, 2013 (edited) Thank you everyone for your responses in this thread. My final decision is to not contact this guy. There have been two types of responses here; one that says "don't contact the jerk" and the other that says "girls should initiate contact sometimes too!". The latter of these two views comes from posters who don't know the full story about what this guy is like; who haven't read my previous thread where I have sought advice on some very odd behaviour on his part. I should have mentioned some of that in this thread. It is so clear that this guy doesnt give a toss about anything other than having sex with me. I am not one to be played around like that. I am 23 and that has never happened to me before, so I wasn't used to it- I was used to associating kisses and cuddles from a guy with care because those who were this close to me in the past were people I was in a relationship with. I am just glad that all this stopped before I had sex with him, because the attachment that comes with sex would have killed me in this case. I have escaped unharmed. Edited February 13, 2013 by Sweeetie 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Frogwife Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 You wouldn't let him have sex on date 3 when he wanted it, so he's punishing you by not showing up for date 6 when YOU want to have sex. Must be a Scorpio... You hit this nail on the head...I'm a Scoprio with a Scorpio...oh my that sounds like us in different ways... (but we ALWAYS show up for sex!!) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted February 13, 2013 Author Share Posted February 13, 2013 (edited) What's sad here is that this guy and I had a lot in common. For example, it was really fun to chat and discuss my favourite band's music with him because I don't know that many people who like my favourite band. We also liked the same type of movies; old ones which my friends aren't really into. He's really interested in learning the guitar and I play it so I offered to teach him, which he had said he's up for. He had also promised me some "really nice evenings" when he agreed to have 3 more dates before sex and I was looking forward to them. It really is quite upsetting, I didn't expect this. Edited February 13, 2013 by Sweeetie Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 Don't worry Sweetie, there are plenty more men out there to meet and greet. You are only 23, single, no kids. The world is your oyster so enjoy and be happy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
oldschool1 Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 Hi! It sounds like you made the right decision. I was for contacting him, but I hadn't realized that he was such a numbskull. If he wasn't treating you right anyway, then there's probably no reason to continue contact with him at all--whether he ignores you OR reaches out (for sex!!). You're young, and you'll meet 10 better guys in the blink of an eye! Much luck-- Link to post Share on other sites
ja123 Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 What's sad here is that this guy and I had a lot in common. For example, it was really fun to chat and discuss my favourite band's music with him because I don't know that many people who like my favourite band. We also liked the same type of movies; old ones which my friends aren't really into. He's really interested in learning the guitar and I play it so I offered to teach him, which he had said he's up for. He had also promised me some "really nice evenings" when he agreed to have 3 more dates before sex and I was looking forward to them. It really is quite upsetting, I didn't expect this. It's tough when we meet someone with whom we share common interests, but then they treat us so poorly. I've been reading a lot on the Baggage Reclaim bolg, lately. So here are two more llinks that address your above post. The first deals with common interests not equaling common core values. The second addresses future faking; i.e., when someone promises or alludes to great things to come, but does so to create a smoke-screen. Understanding your core values in relationships (no they?re not your common interests) | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue Future Faking Is Like The Emperor?s New Clothes | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted February 14, 2013 Author Share Posted February 14, 2013 (edited) There are times when I am tempted to text him, but then I'm put off as soon as I replay that conversation in my mind where he was going on and on about how he finds Korean girls to be the hottest women on the planet. That's enough to make me stay away from the phone. Seriously, how much can a guy take a girl for granted? Edited February 14, 2013 by Sweeetie 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SmileFace Posted February 14, 2013 Share Posted February 14, 2013 There are times when I am tempted to text him, but then I'm put off as soon as I replay that conversation in my mind where he was going on and on about how he finds Korean girls to be the hottest women on the planet. That's enough to make me stay away from the phone. Seriously, how much can a guy take a girl for granted? You know what I did when I didn't want to contact my ex any more? I blocked his number - not only was he not able to contact me but I got a nice warning message when I tried to contact him. Save yourself from yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 (edited) Hey guys, So I had decided to not contact him to ask him if he was still interested because obviously he wasn't. However the curiosity as to why he left was killing me and even though I was losing interest in being with him I was curious as to what the actual reason was because we did seem to get on very well. About two weeks after I stopped hearing from him I sent him this text: "Hey, hope you've been keeping well! Haven't heard from you in two weeks so I presume you're not interested anymore which is cool, but just so I can take something on board from it, I wanted to ask you what is was about me that made you lose interest/ attraction? Knowing this may help me be a really amazing girl to whoever comes next . I know you're an honest person Tom so I'd like you to be brutally honest here! Thanks, Laura P.S. Heard the first album but I still think Demon Days is better! sorry :p" (we both love Gorillaz). He replied with this: "Haha, well, what about plastic beach? I'm sorry for not texting you - when you didn't text me I let it go until more time had passed and then before I knew it more time passed after that. Firstly, let me say i didnt lose any attraction for you. You are one of the fittest girls I've ever seen and I can't help thinking of your alluring, curvy body and the things you said. I'm actually involuntarily hard. Thanks. Honestly: the three date no sex thing made the flow a bit awkward for me. But that wasn't the problem, it's that we came to the third date and I was by then very worried about what you wanted. Because at that moment, I liked you but I felt what I wanted was to have sex with you: all the three dates did for me was to make me want you more and more... And I knew the entire point of it for you was the opposite. Also - and this may be wrong, but it made me feel you may have been buying time to prospect for something else on POF (the online dating website where we met) Again, sorry I didn't tell you this. Not proud of it. Xx" I replied with this: Hey, sorry I fell asleep before you texted and was tutoring this morning- finally some time to reply! The reason I didn't text you after our last date was because I was waiting for your text; you had said you'd let me know whether you could come to the folk thing or not and I had kept that evening free for you because the week before that you said you were really up for it. That evening came and went and then more days passed and still no text, so I likewise let it go and thought you were no longer interested. The reason I wanted to wait 3 dates before sex was because I had never had sex with a man who I don't know well. I need to know who the man is first. I had not been doing any more searching on POF since even before I met you for the first time, because I liked our online conversations a lot. You should have told me about this worry when you got it, since that was not the case at all. You are also incredibly gorgeous and your personality makes you amazing. The other thing is that sex makes a woman feel really attached to a man but it's not commonly the other way round. This is why I wanted to wait to check that you meant what you said about not wanting just sex, because I didn't want to get hurt so soon after getting attached. x" He replied: "Sure, I get your position. Clearly I've forgotten how to treat women over the past two and a half years - very embarrassing. The dating and dating website thing has been a bit unusual for me, and I think overall it's not time for me to have a relationship again yet. Once I knew that I didn't want to hurt you." Edited February 23, 2013 by Sweeetie Link to post Share on other sites
oldschool1 Posted February 24, 2013 Share Posted February 24, 2013 Wow. I'm glad you reached out, because he responded honestly and kindly. Do you feel better about the situation? Link to post Share on other sites
tbf Posted February 24, 2013 Share Posted February 24, 2013 it's that we came to the third date and I was by then very worried about what you wanted. I think overall it's not time for me to have a relationship again yet. Once I knew that I didn't want to hurt you." Nothing has changed. He's repeating himself to you. He doesn't want a relationship. He told you this, as defined in the previous thread. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 24, 2013 Share Posted February 24, 2013 OP, you need to stop beating the dead horse. I am not sure why you contacted him and what it achieved. His actions showed you that he is not interested. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sillyanswer Posted February 24, 2013 Share Posted February 24, 2013 You wanted closure... I hope you found it in that exchange. The whole "more time passed" thing makes it seem, to me, that he wasn't very interested. If I'm interested in a girl then I get in touch and I stay in touch. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted February 24, 2013 Author Share Posted February 24, 2013 (edited) Thanks everyone. I am glad that I reached out because the curiosity about why specifically he had left was inhibiting me from having my closure. But that wasn't the end of it. He says he is really attracted to me so he wants to be friends with benefits. I have never done this with anyone before so I am hesitating about this. We were talking a bit about it and I asked him if he meant 'hanging out as well as sex', which is what I want, in oppose to just sex. He says he wants just sex; no other hanging out. This is deterring me a lot from saying yes because essentially he just wants to use my body. I will lose all self-respect for myself if I go ahead. Edited February 24, 2013 by Sweeetie Typo Link to post Share on other sites
Fondue Posted February 24, 2013 Share Posted February 24, 2013 When you posted this thread weeks ago, I think I was the first person to point out that he wasn't texting you because you hadn't texted him. Some men want to also know what they're chasing will reciprocate. I'm pretty sure he just let spelled that out for you right there. He wasn't sure if you were still interested in him, so he didn't text you and instead hoped you would get in contact with him. Communication is incredibly difficult it seems. People and their games, so stupid. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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