Sweeetie Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 (edited) Some of you might know my story from a previous thread, but if you don't, here is a summary: I met a guy online who I really like. Before we met for the first time we were exchanging long emails for about 2 weeks and these emails carried with them a sense of compatibility because we seemed to have lots in common and had a similar conversational style. There was no flirtation in these emails; just genuine, interesting conversation. We had about 5 dates. And our dates showed me even more that we have things in common: music, favourite movies, etc. I really like him as a person and I'm really attracted to him. For our 3rd date he had invited me to his house for dinner. We became intimate that night but we couldn't have penetrative sex because he'd forgotten to buy condoms. He was excited for the next time but I requested that we have 3 more dates before engaging in sex because I wanted to get to know him a bit more first. He badly wanted to have sex with me soon because he'd already seen me naked and "loved" my body but he agreed to wait till after 3. We had two of these 3 dates. The second one was the last time I saw him: we had lunch together a week ago. We were due to have one more date before the sex. I haven't heard from him since then (nor have I tried to contact him) and I'm worried- not just because of the assumption that he's no longer interested in seeing me but also because I don't want to carry false hope that he might text me sometime soon. This is why I want to send him a text to just ask why we've stopped talking, so that I can get closure and move on if he wants it to stop here. Should I do it, or is it plainly obvious that he has 'dumped' me in this way? One more thing I should mention is that early on he had made it clear to me that he doesn't want to jump into a relationship with someone. Edited February 11, 2013 by Sweeetie Link to post Share on other sites
SJC2008 Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 Sorry this happened to you. Yall met online so he probably got is fix somwehere else. TBS you shouldn't need closure now that it's clear as day what he was after. If you can't live with that you can text him and ask him to give you a reason why he stopped dating you but it'll probably be bs anyway. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
SJC2008 Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 I just looked at your history. The guy is a scumbag so leave him where he is. He went for sex on the 3rd date, want's to take things slow on the "relationship" front, and kept talking about hot women around you. Why do you need closure from this? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Fondue Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 I'm always baffled by the amount of women whom put their foot down and refuse to initiate with a man regardless of the situation. Look, if you haven't heard from him in seven days and you want to at least exchange a hello, then friggin' do it. What is stopping you? Instead of mentally aching from the fact he hasn't contacted you, you could simply contact him and remove that worry. You'll have your answer right there. Grow some she-balls, woMAN! Besides, what if he's sitting in his house right now wondering the SAME EXACT THING. Like, "where is she? Why hasn't she contacted me? We've been on 5 dates," etc. etc. etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted February 11, 2013 Author Share Posted February 11, 2013 TBS you shouldn't need closure now that it's clear as day what he was after. But that's the thing; if he only wanted sex, why would he disappear when he was one date away from getting it? We were going to do it for the first time on our next date. Surely such a guy would leave after he got it? Link to post Share on other sites
SJC2008 Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 But that's the thing; if he only wanted sex, why would he disappear when he was one date away from getting it? We were going to do it for the first time on our next date. Surely such a guy would leave after he got it? Because he got it somewhere else or has women on a rotation? WHO CARES! He's a loser. I don't want to judge you but it seems like you have a validation problem and want to chase men who aren't into you so you can "prove" yourself. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
SmileFace Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 Closure? Isn't his absence enough? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted February 11, 2013 Author Share Posted February 11, 2013 Look, if you haven't heard from him in seven days and you want to at least exchange a hello, then friggin' do it. What is stopping you? I'm hesitating because I don't want to come across as desperate, and another reason is that I don't want to face having a "sorry I just didn't think it was working" text from him. That'll hurt and I'd rather have this gentle 'fade-out' breakup if that's what he wants. But texting him might be the only option it seems, or I'm just gonna keep on wondering and having false hope :-/ Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 Should I do it, or is it plainly obvious that he has 'dumped' me in this way? It's plainly obvious he's dumped you. What more closure do you need? The "why" doesn't matter. Is it going to make you feel better to hear that he found someone else he wanted to have sex with or wanted to get into a relationship with? Is it going to make you feel better to find out that he decided he wasn't interested in you? Is it going to make you feel better to find out that some other girl in his rotation jumped ahead of you for whatever reason? The point is that he obviously didn't want to have sex with you that badly, since he bolted so close to what you contend was the finish line. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RebelWithoutACause Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 Besides, what if he's sitting in his house right now wondering the SAME EXACT THING. Like, "where is she? Why hasn't she contacted me? We've been on 5 dates," etc. etc. etc. Do men ever really actually do that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted February 11, 2013 Author Share Posted February 11, 2013 Isn't his absence enough? It seems to be a big bad sign but I'm someone who always holds on until the end and keeps hope, that's why I need closure. Link to post Share on other sites
Fondue Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 I'm hesitating because I don't want to come across as desperate, and another reason is that I don't want to face having a "sorry I just didn't think it was working" text from him. That'll hurt and I'd rather have this gentle 'fade-out' breakup if that's what he wants. But texting him might be the only option it seems, or I'm just gonna keep on wondering and having false hope :-/ If you haven't contacted each other in a week and you decided to say, "what's up?" then that would hardly be desperate. Desperate is if you haven't heard from him in 6 hours and span his phone demanding attention. If you prefer this "gentle fade-out," then keep waiting until your mind clears and you no longer feel for this man. Otherwise contact him. You just gave yourself two solutions you'd be content with. Why not take one? Link to post Share on other sites
sillyanswer Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 I notice that you haven't contacted him in 7 days, either. Why is that? You've only had 5 dates. You haven't got as far as openure yet, so why the need for closure? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted February 11, 2013 Author Share Posted February 11, 2013 It's plainly obvious he's dumped you. What more closure do you need? The "why" doesn't matter. Is it going to make you feel better to hear that he found someone else he wanted to have sex with or wanted to get into a relationship with? Is it going to make you feel better to find out that he decided he wasn't interested in you? Is it going to make you feel better to find out that some other girl in his rotation jumped ahead of you for whatever reason? The point is that he obviously didn't want to have sex with you that badly, since he bolted so close to what you contend was the finish line. This makes a lot of sense. The truth is that I like him a lot so I just want to know if there's any chance of seeing him again. Link to post Share on other sites
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 He hasn't gotten a hold of you. He probably isn't interested in anything serious. You have 3 choices. 1. Move on. 2. Text him asking for some kind of closure. 3. Wait for him to get a hold of you. [which he very well may never do.] Link to post Share on other sites
Fondue Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 Do men ever really actually do that? Sure. Women have **** tests, so do men. I don't often text/call women, but I do find ways to contact them as necessary, or at least keep a line of communication open. If I have a good time with a girl, or have some sort of "connection," I will stop to initiate contact after a while. If she doesn't make an attempt to get back at me, then I know she isn't interested enough. We play ball in both ends of the court. If she only wants to play D and never sneak in for some O, then I'm not interested. That's like watching NJ-D hockey of years past-- boring as ****. Link to post Share on other sites
sillyanswer Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 The truth is that I like him a lot so I just want to know if there's any chance of seeing him again. Not if neither of you contacts the other... Link to post Share on other sites
tbf Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 Sure all along he puts barriers up as to why it wouldn't work. It is clear that he wants to be free from any kind of expectation from you. When a man wants more from you, he wants to know whether the two of you are on the same page because he is anxious. This guy doesn't give a toss. He practically dumped you by the way, haven't you noticed (underlined)? Sweetiie, refer to this post from the previous thread. It says it all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted February 11, 2013 Author Share Posted February 11, 2013 I notice that you haven't contacted him in 7 days, either. Why is that? Well, a couple of weeks ago I asked him if he wanted to go to a gig with me which was gonna be a few days after the last time we saw each other. The gig was of a genre he really liked which is why I asked him and he said he was up for it, so I made sure I had that evening free. The last time we saw each other I asked him again to be sure, but this time he said he'd check his diary and let me know. And he didn't let me know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted February 11, 2013 Author Share Posted February 11, 2013 (edited) Sweetiie, refer to this post from the previous thread. It says it all. No I'm not referring to the 'commitment' side of things; I already know he doesn't want that and to be honest now I'm happy to just have something casual with him. What I'm asking here on this thread is if him not contacting me in a week gives so clear a signal that I shouldn't bother texting him. Edited February 11, 2013 by Sweeetie Link to post Share on other sites
tbf Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 No I'm not referring to the 'commitment' side of things; I already know he doesn't want that and to be honest now I'm happy to have something just casual with him. What I'm asking here on this thread is if him not contacting me in a week gives so clear a signal that I shouldn't bother texting him.The meaning of casual, is that there are no expectations. Within all your posts, there's a hopeful expectation or assumption of behaviour that drives relationships, instead of something casual. Flat out, you most definitely don't suit casual. Whether he calls/texts or not, consider him done or friend zone him. Otherwise, you'll be waiting by the phone on Saturday nights, wishing and hoping. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted February 11, 2013 Author Share Posted February 11, 2013 You have 3 choices. 1. Move on. 2. Text him asking for some kind of closure. 3. Wait for him to get a hold of you. [which he very well may never do.] What should I text him? Something like "Hey Tom, hope you're good. Not heard from you in a few days so was just wondering why...are you still interested?" Seems direct but it'll answer my question directly. Link to post Share on other sites
SmileFace Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 What should I text him? Something like "Hey Tom, hope you're good. Not heard from you in a few days so was just wondering why...are you still interested?" Seems direct but it'll answer my question directly. Save your pride - do not text him. He broke up with you way before this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sillyanswer Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 What should I text him? Something like "Hey Tom, hope you're good. Not heard from you in a few days so was just wondering why...are you still interested?" Seems direct but it'll answer my question directly. Or "Hey Tom. What's up?" and then he won't have to scroll down to read it all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted February 11, 2013 Author Share Posted February 11, 2013 The meaning of casual, is that there are no expectations. Within all your posts, there's a hopeful expectation or assumption of behaviour that drives relationships, instead of something casual. Flat out, you most definitely don't suit casual. Whether he calls/texts or not, consider him done or friend zone him. Otherwise, you'll be waiting by the phone on Saturday nights, wishing and hoping. You're right and I know. I have never done casual before. It's just that I like this guy so much that I'm willing to do casual if it means spending more time with him. I just don't get that many guys coming into my life, let alone guys I find so interesting. And the wishing and hoping- that can all be avoided if I get closure from him. Link to post Share on other sites
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