Stubborn husband might leave me

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Gunny- so sorry you dont feel well!

 

I picture you noway like willie nelson because I cant imagine youd let your hair grow out at all. I think of Major Dad. What was his name? That guy is exactly who I think of! I bet you listen to country music too!

 

I still love your optimism. Im fighting on but I just don't know

[Mack05]

I wasnt asked though :-) but ImO

 

Clearly this is a handsome persons thread .

 

Allie I picture you as a feisty kind of character.

 

I picture you as a Michelle Rodriguez lookalike.

 

michelle rodriguez pictures - Google Search

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Allie- i think trippi and you are correct too.

 

Im just not sure what else to do in someways I feel like his mind may be made up. Hes hard headed and Im terrified I wont be able to show him how good things can be again.

 

The odd thing is though in many ways I feel his mind is made up I feel like I still have influence over him a bit. I think he maybe trying to 100% detach and at many times Ive made that easy but starting fights etc. but when things are good he opens up a bit more. Just wish there was something I could do/say to really open him up. Hes not acting if he leaves on anything but fear. Fear to get hurt again, fear to lose control etc. he cares for certain that isn't the problem its his fear. And thats a B*tch!

 

I have such a short time to try to undo all the crap I have started and such and I'm doubting whether love us enough to get him to reconsider

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Clearly this is a handsome persons thread .

 

Allie I picture you as a feisty kind of character.

 

I picture you as a Michelle Rodriguez lookalike.

 

michelle rodriguez pictures - Google Search[/

 

I picture her as that terminator chick Linda! Lol

[Mack05]

Jenny two things. If someone is gripped by fear there is little you can do. This is something he needs to overcome himself.

 

Secondly by putting deadlines on yourself you are just adding extra pressure.

 

Another one of my idea's...

 

You really want to stay in the APT/house right? Could you ask John to stay on the lease because you are worried about credit checks etc? You could say to him that he is doing you a big favour (which he is). Therefore he if does move out, he will still be on the lease if he wants to come back? Plus you definitely get to stay...

Edited March 23, 2013 by Mack05

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Jenny two things. If someone is gripped by fear there is little you can do. This is something he needs to overcome himself.

 

Secondly by putting deadlines on yourself you are just adding extra pressure.

 

Another one of my idea's...

 

You really want to stay in the APT/house right? Could you ask John to stay on the lease because you are worried about credit checks etc? You could say to him that he is doing you a big favour (which he is). Therefore he if does move out, he will still be on the lease if he wants to come back? Plus you definitely get to stay...

 

I could and maybe he would consider it as long as we are in good gettings alongs. But the flip side is it makes him responsible and I feel like hes wanting to avoid that.

 

I know deadlines are good but its how i feel. I just want him to stay and some of his comments last night make it seem like hes not and before he said the divorce and moving out will be all happening at same time!

 

This am he came in room to make sure I was up to take nice to dance. Thats the old john always thinking about others and responsible. I just dont get why all the sudden hes back to being this way before he plans on leaving me! I guess some people get along better when they want out or are getting a divorce

[Mack05]

Jenny, John is a good guy. We know this. If you make it clear that there is a chance you may not be able to stay on your own, he will step up. If he has decided to leave, he will want things as easy as possible for his wife. Ok his name is on the lease, but overall it is not a huge responsibility. He will want to make things as easy as he can on you.

 

If he is undecided, he may like the fact there is no longer a set deadline to move out.

 

The great thing here is you are not lying. Plus it takes all the pressure of 'deadlines' of you. He doesn't need to leave in June and this could ease the tension even more. Something to think about.

Edited March 23, 2013 by Mack05

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Jenny, John is a good guy. We know this. If you make it clear that there is a chance you may not be able to stay on your own, he will step up. If he has decided to leave, he will want things as easy as possible for his wife. Ok his name is on the lease, but overall it is not a huge responsibility. He will want to make things as easy as he can on you.

 

If he is undecided, he may like the fact there is no longer a set deadline to move out.

 

The great thing here is you are not lying. Plus it takes all the pressure of 'deadlines' of you. He doesn't need to leave in June and this could ease the tension even more. Something to think about.

 

Agree with everything except if I wouldnt pay the rent they be coming after him and I get the feeling he doesnt want contact after he leaves. I will definately ask him when the lease comes but I think this is why he wants off so he isnt responsible financially.

 

Mack what are your thoughts on the events of yesterday? The kindness of nice? Him mentioning coping? Etc just want your take?

Oh yeah did i look like you thought? Lol

[Mack05]

Agree with everything except if I wouldnt pay the rent they be coming after him and I get the feeling he doesnt want contact after he leaves. I will definately ask him when the lease comes but I think this is why he wants off so he isnt responsible financially.

 

Mack what are your thoughts on the events of yesterday? The kindness of nice? Him mentioning coping? Etc just want your take?

Oh yeah did i look like you thought? Lol

 

The way I look at it Jen there is no harm in asking. He still loves you and a good husband always an instinct to protect his wife. Indeed if for some reason you couldn't pay the rent, I'd bet he would step up. To me there is no harm in asking. 1) He may agree 2) If he doesn't you should get a better idea of what his future plans are.

 

As for yesterday it's hard to know. John is an enigma to me. I don't believe he wants to leave his marriage. I also believe there is still an element of him feeling sorry for himself. "My friends turned out to be fake. My wife could be fake. My job sucks. It looks like its me against the world". It's hard to get through to a guy when he has this kind of negative mindset.

 

Up until the other night I liked how things were progressing. You were doing awesome. Ok there was a set back but you handled it very well last night. Simple apology, nod of the head. Nicely done.

 

Trust takes time to rebuild, but its these little chats is how the rebuilding process starts. Because things are so delicate, the slightest thing will make him retreat back into his negative mindset. That is what makes this so hard. One minute he is opening up and he is probably feeling positive about things, then the next he is talking about 'coping' and you already know my plans etc etc.

 

This is why it would be great if he stayed on the lease. That trust which will need time and a hell of a lot of patience from you, will have the time to flourish. If he agrees to sign it would be a enormous step forward..

Edited March 23, 2013 by Mack05

[Jennyfromtheblick]

The way I look at it Jen there is no harm in asking. He still loves you and a good husband always an instinct to protect his wife. Indeed if for some reason you couldn't pay the rent, I'd bet he would step up. To me there is no harm in asking. 1) He may agree 2) If he doesn't you should get a better idea of what his future plans are.

 

As for yesterday it's hard to know. John is an enigma to me. I don't believe he wants to leave his marriage. I also believe there is still an element of him feeling sorry for himself. "My friends turned out to be fake. My wife could be fake. My job sucks. It looks like its me against the world". It's hard to get through to a guy when he has this kind of negative mindset.

 

Up until the other night I liked how things were progressing. You were doing awesome. Ok there was a set back but you handled it very well last night. Simple apology, nod of the head. Nicely done.

 

Trust takes time to rebuild, but its these little chats is how the rebuilding process starts. Because things are so delicate, the slightest thing will make him retreat back into his negative mindset. That is what makes this so hard. One minute he is opening up and he is probably feeling positive about things, then the next he is talking about 'coping' and you already know my plans etc etc.

 

This is why it would be great if he stayed on the lease. That trust which will need time and a hell of a lot of patience from you, will have the time to flourish. If he agrees to sign it would be a enormous step forward..

 

Ill definately ask!

 

At times I could kick myself for wasting so much time fighting. I cant change it now but i feel so desperate. I hate the fact he could divorce me over fear to get hurt again but knowing his past I can see why he doesnt give second chances. If anyone thinks or discovers something i could do to help break the closed off heart out of its lock and key please let me know. I read somewhere the best way to bting down the emotional walls are with unconditional love but it doesnt seem to be working.

[Mack05]

I read somewhere the best way to bting down the emotional walls are with unconditional love but it doesnt seem to be working.

 

That is an amazing word Jenny. Unconditional love. Think about what the term means. It means putting the other person above yourself. It's normally the kind of love between a parent (especially a mother) and their child.

 

Now when you supported him, let him talk and didn't rock the both your instinct was telling you that he is beginning to soften. Trust your instinct, it's one of the best tools we have at our disposal. Therefore if was working. It was only 10 days of peace, but you saw the progress. Even if that progress was slow.

 

Then you get silly over Kelley, start talking about cheating on the phone over what some 'friend' says and then you push at him. The two steps you took forward were quickly undone and you went two steps back. Now it may take 20 days to get back where you were 3 days ago, before your 3am chat.

 

Remember in my posts yesterday I was telling you that on your current path I feel this won't end well, but I was sad because I felt there was no reason it shouldn't end well? This is my point -> If you show unconditional love, patience and discipline I am 110% convinced he will come back. Whether he moves out or not, if you keep being there for him, loving him I'm sure he will come back.

 

The big problem Jenny is unconditional love is VERY hard to maintain, especially for a long period of time. It involves having zero selfishness. The reason its called 'unconditional' is most people would give up, when the support, love and care is just coming from just one direction. This is the problem you are experiencing right now. You are trying you best, but at times the lack of progress, warmth, sets you back. Therefore little things set you off and the progress you made is quickly undone..

 

Ok this is a long post, but try remember one line. If you love John unconditionally for the immediate future he will come back...You just need to understand exactly what unconditional means...That is the challenge. It's a massive challenge but show me once in this thread where I said you can't do it??You can....It is probably the biggest challenge of your life thus far, but you can do this..

Edited March 23, 2013 by Mack05

[tojaz]

I know it was a ton to keep up with but im curious your take on the whole interaction tonight and his referring to helping the friend as helping him cope.

 

I think your attempts to find a hidden meaning in everything he does or says is consuming you. Sometimes things are just what they are and you may be missing out on a lot of good solid communication with your husband because your trying so hard to relate everything back to your marriage.

 

John seems to have a lot of different issues on his plate right now and I don't think your privy to several of them. For someone who doesn't like change, he is trying awfully hard to try and institute a lot of it all at once.

 

This is something within him, not a riddle you need to solve. I don't want to watch all the good interaction you had built unravel.

 

TOJAZ

Edited March 23, 2013 by tojaz

[Jennyfromtheblick]

That is an amazing word Jenny. Unconditional love. Think about what the term means. It means putting the other person above yourself. It's normally the kind of love between a parent (especially a mother) and their child.

 

Now when you supported him, let him talk and didn't rock the both your instinct was telling you that he is beginning to soften. Trust your instinct, it's one of the best tools we have at our disposal. Therefore if was working. It was only 10 days of peace, but you saw the progress. Even if that progress was slow.

 

Then you get silly over Kelley, start talking about cheating on the phone over what some 'friend' says and then you push at him. The two steps you took forward were quickly undone and you went two steps back. Now it may take 20 days to get back where you were 3 days ago, before your 3am chat.

 

Remember in my posts yesterday I was telling you that on your current path I feel this won't end well, but I was sad because I felt there was no reason it shouldn't end well? This is my point -> If you show unconditional love, patience and discipline I am 110% convinced he will come back. Whether he moves out or not, if you keep being there for him, loving him I'm sure he will come back.

 

The big problem Jenny is unconditional love is VERY hard to maintain, especially for a long period of time. It involves having zero selfishness. The reason its called 'unconditional' is most people would give up, when the support, love and care is just coming from just one direction. This is the problem you are experiencing right now. You are trying you best, but at times the lack of progress, warmth, sets you back. Therefore little things set you off and the progress you made is quickly undone..

 

Ok this is a long post, but try remember one line. If you love John unconditionally for the immediate future he will come back...You just need to understand exactly what unconditional means...That is the challenge. It's a massive challenge but show me once in this thread where I said you can't do it??You can....It is probably the biggest challenge of your life thus far, but you can do this..

 

I can do anything i put my mind too but its not me i worry about failing i wirry it wont matter to him.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I think your attempts to find a hidden meaning in everything he does or says is consuming you. Sometimes things are just what they are and you may be missing out on a lot of good solid communication with your husband because your trying so hard to relate everything back to your marriage.

 

John seems to have a lot of different issues on his plate right now and I don't think your privy to several of them. For someone who doesn't like change, he is trying awfully hard to try and institute a lot of it all at once.

 

This is something within him, not a riddle you need to solve. I don't want to watch all the good interaction you had built unravel.

 

TOJAZ

 

I know! Things are really good between us even know I stress. This Am he woke me up asking if I wanted breakfast! We are out junkies lately not healthy I know but who wants to spend time cooking when we could be talking.

 

Anyway he was very chatty and we were talking about the movie last night and he hey you know those underwear i love that we could never find I saw them at sears last time when I was waiting on my tires! Lmao he brings up underwear? Should I talk about bras?? Haha its all typical marriage talk and aside from where he is sleeping and the lack of affection and going places things have quickly in these last 10 -12 days gone back to before the email.

[AllieKat]

I wasnt going to put this out there because I dont want to jinx myself but my hubby and I have reconciled. We have been in counseling for a month and things are going great. The key is i never gave up and an still fighting. My hubby just needed lots of time and that is nobodys decision to decide how long. You have to decide if your in it then your in regardless how long. Believe me i lost hope. I did all the wrong stuff five different times and ways.

 

Its life it happens. Dust yourself off and get back up and try again. Men are so unlike us in many ways and sounds like your john is a bit like my hubby. He is slow and undecisive which means patience patience patience. It can be done and ironically I did it much the same way your doing and when i changed how i related to him and acted better than my crazy thoughts i did better and my hubby reacted.

 

YOU CAN DO THIS

 

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE CAN WORK

[Mack05]

I can do anything i put my mind too but its not me i worry about failing i worry it wont matter to him.

 

Tojaz's last post is very valid. You are focusing way to much on every little thing relating to John, instead of focusing on the big prize way in the distance. It's scary Jenny, but the other option is to resign yourself to defeat.

 

The path I would like you to take is show John unconditional love, to leave the silly things go, to remain patient and disciplined, to stop obsessing on every little thing and remain positive. Once he agrees to move forward, that is a huge step and you can both start to rebuild those foundations.

 

On another topic Jenny, how the hell are your teeth so white!? Awesome smile..I would give my right arm for teeth like that..

 

Try keep smiling, those white pearlies will make him crack soon enough..

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Lol i eat bleach!! Just kidding I have them whitened!! Your funny!!

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Does this not stressing over every thing mean I should stop posting about our daily interactions?

[trippi1432]

I have to ask Jen, what do you picture unconditional love with John like?

 

See, Mack has a very good point above about understanding what unconditional love is. It is a maternal instinct, the love of parent and child. But that is not the same as romantic love. The love between a man and a woman.

 

To love unconditionally, you have to love the flaws, be understanding and still love even when you are not on equal ground. You are always there for them, not that you have to be a doormat because you can have boundaries, but they always know that you are there. To love unconditionally, you also have to be willing to let them go, let them grow and become their own person. It's about being comfortable with who you are and your place in the relationship. It's not about being controlling....and it's not about whether you always get back what you are giving.

 

So when it comes to unconditional love, are you saying that you can be fine with whatever John's decision is and still carry love for him in your heart even if his decision is to divorce?

[Mack05]

Does this not stressing over every thing mean I should stop posting about our daily interactions?

 

You should continue to post/vent. It has worked (in the main) so far. As you have said Jenny, you can't change over night and no one would expect you to.

 

Just try reel yourself in from time to time. When you see yourself over analysing, try get your control and focus back. Even if you cooled yourself down just once by yourself (without venting here) this is progress..

 

Good ways to get self control is reading a LS post you like over again, an article on the web, an inspirational video, a relaxing song etc etc. If you can master meditation that would be awesome.

 

This is some of the discipline I am referring to above..

[tojaz]

I know! Things are really good between us even know I stress. This Am he woke me up asking if I wanted breakfast! We are out junkies lately not healthy I know but who wants to spend time cooking when we could be talking.

 

Anyway he was very chatty and we were talking about the movie last night and he hey you know those underwear i love that we could never find I saw them at sears last time when I was waiting on my tires! Lmao he brings up underwear? Should I talk about bras?? Haha its all typical marriage talk and aside from where he is sleeping and the lack of affection and going places things have quickly in these last 10 -12 days gone back to before the email.

 

Next time your in the mood for a movie Jenny, let me suggest Unstoppable, its about a runaway freight train and the people trying to stop it. Come to find out, the best way to stop it wasn't getting out in front of it and trying to block it's path although those attempts did provide for some great destructive scenes.

 

When that didn't work, the "brains" of the outfit were sitting around trying to analyze every little detail of thing... all the while this train is zipping through towns and blasting through cars etc.

 

Finally our hero, a simple guy, but the only one that actually has a clue catches up from behind and slowly applies the brakes to each car one by one until eventually the train comes under control and slowly eases to a stop.

 

If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm being a little sneaky with my movie review.... think about it.

 

TOJAZ

[Jennyfromtheblick]

I have to ask Jen, what do you picture unconditional love with John like?

 

See, Mack has a very good point above about understanding what unconditional love is. It is a maternal instinct, the love of parent and child. But that is not the same as romantic love. The love between a man and a woman.

 

To love unconditionally, you have to love the flaws, be understanding and still love even when you are not on equal ground. You are always there for them, not that you have to be a doormat because you can have boundaries, but they always know that you are there. To love unconditionally, you also have to be willing to let them go, let them grow and become their own person. It's about being comfortable with who you are and your place in the relationship. It's not about being controlling....and it's not about whether you always get back what you are giving.

 

So when it comes to unconditional love, are you saying that you can be fine with whatever John's decision is and still carry love for him in your heart even if his decision is to divorce?

 

I will always love him regardless!! Always!! Thats not to say I wont be devastated! But my feelings for him wont change.

[Jennyfromtheblick]

Next time your in the mood for a movie Jenny, let me suggest Unstoppable, its about a runaway freight train and the people trying to stop it. Come to find out, the best way to stop it wasn't getting out in front of it and trying to block it's path although those attempts did provide for some great destructive scenes.

 

When that didn't work, the "brains" of the outfit were sitting around trying to analyze every little detail of thing... all the while this train is zipping through towns and blasting through cars etc.

 

Finally our hero, a simple guy, but the only one that actually has a clue catches up from behind and slowly applies the brakes to each car one by one until eventually the train comes under control and slowly eases to a stop.

 

If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm being a little sneaky with my movie review.... think about it.

 

TOJAZ

 

Ahhh your are sneaky!!! Sometimes ok all the time I over think every word and maybe they are just words maybe he says them to get a reaction or etc.

 

I really dont know what hes thinking but the way we are getting along is so much better and the fact hes showing care even in a small thing as getting me breakfast hes showing it. I do think in someways my words have helped. At least when i was assertive

[tojaz]

Ahhh your are sneaky!!! Sometimes ok all the time I over think every word and maybe they are just words maybe he says them to get a reaction or etc.

 

I really dont know what hes thinking but the way we are getting along is so much better and the fact hes showing care even in a small thing as getting me breakfast hes showing it. I do think in someways my words have helped. At least when i was assertive

 

Sorry if i spoiled the movie for you

 

Your words have helped some, a lot of things you have done have all contributed to slowing things down.

 

Have you ever seen a freight train trying to start from a dead stop? It takes quite some time for something that big and heavy to get up to speed doesn't it? In that situation, even with all that mass and all that power, its easily controlled and easy to stop, if you shut it down at that point,straining under the weight of the load it would cease in a matter of yards, at speed though, its a different story. Shut it down at cruising speed with the momentum of all the cars behind it, it would travel miles before it would even start slowing down. The part I want to stress the most in the analogy is the setting the brakes car by car part. First the he hates me car..... then the he won't talk to me car..... and on and on. Eventually the powerful locomotive loses momentum under the resistance of it's own load.

 

Things had a lot of momentum at the beginning Jenny, but over time you have chipped away at that momentum, "setting the brakes" in effect, and at feeling things begin to slow, it's easy to have the urge to jump out in front and try and stop the train immediately rather then continuing on with the slow process of setting the rest of the "brakes", but done to soon and you get hit and best case of that is you get up and have to catch up to it all over again.

 

I seem to end up saying this on every thread at some point Jenny, but when you get frustrated go back and reread your very first posts and take a moment to see how far you've come rather then looking at how far you have left to go.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Does this not stressing over every thing mean I should stop posting about our daily interactions?

 

It's not about not posting the interactions Jen, it's about the perspective in which they appear to you. Look at Allie's post, it is not just about unconditional love, it's about how she related to her husband during the worst of times. It's about getting control of you and how you see it....stepping outside of the panic.

 

I very much like Tojaz's train analogy...it is about slowing your mind down on the path of negativity.

 

My IC gave me an analogy once about relationships and how people relate. There are those who, when driving the car, like to go from first to fifth gear without using the clutch. Some may even throw the clutch out of the window altogether in the state of panic. They forget that to get to a comfortable, smooth ride, they have to go through all the gears. I'll let Tojaz, the car guy, expound on that one in due time as it's more about sustaining a relationship rather than throwing the baby out with the bathwater, but could be useful. But the train analogy....excellent!!