Mack05 Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 (edited) Pull yourself together. Don't act all needy, it is not attractive. In fact, it is the hugest turn-off there is. Makes you look pathetic. There are many more interesting things you can do in the bathtub that John may overhear besides crying your eyes out like a baby. That's one reason I erased part of the post yesterday. Now get dressed, look stunning, and start the day. Take another bath tonight, and do it right this time. Yas agree 100% (except for the sex idea, thats what annoyed John in the first place. That could seriously back fire). If your not going to be positive, if you are not going to fight like hell, you may as well just throw in the towel right now.. Right now you are looking for ways to quit, inside of looking for ways to 'win'.. Edited March 3, 2013 by Mack05
tojaz Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 If anyone has advice for today let me know! I woke up very early and feel so uneasy and to be honest I just feel like going to John and shaking him. I cried in the tub last night, which is a good place cause nobody can hear, I cried in bed this morning because I miss him. I just keep thinking he doesn't hate me. He told me he doesn't but he doesn't love me either. My heart feels useless today. I feel like i have no chance anymore with him. I feel like if I died he wouldnt shed a tear. I guess I just feel hopeless Best advice I can offer Jenny is to quit beating yourself up because you had a bad moment. So you cried, who could blame you? It does more harm then good to try and hold it back, get it out in private, feel what you need to feel and then move on. Get out of your room today, might be a good night to cook dinner like was mentioned before. Hope's not going to find you if your hiding in a corner. TOJAZ
Author Jennyfromtheblick Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 Well....things went bad this am I guess! Looks like I put the final nail in my marriage coffin.. Give me a few it will take awhile to type what happened out. Hope you all dont hate me :-(
Author Jennyfromtheblick Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 It all started this Am when I received a FB message from some chick apologizing for asking my husband out!!! She said she didnt know he was married and was told he was divorced!!! Grrrrr I went right out to him and said so your talking to other woman on FB? He said no! I said did you msg a girl on there? He said no she msg me and asked me a question (school related) and i answered her and then she asked him to have coffee and he said he didnt respond he ended it at that!! He showed me the msg and as him and i were talking she sent them to me too both stories jive but it made me blow my cool and he was quick to point that out! He said i need to think how he feels about it. I said john i get so upset cause i love you and hearing things like that hurt. He said he doesn't believe I love him. I asked him why he thinks that and he cited the emails behind his back, the accusing him of no good, the not giving him space. He even cited how if i cared about him i wouldnt drag out the divorce. I did tell him i would not sign! I guess he wants out quick huh? He also cited that if i loved him I wouldnt tell him numerous timesto get the F out. He said he realizes hes the problem and the only way hell be ok is to be alone. He doesnt want to work things out he said. Iadmit I cried! I said i loved him. I didnt beg or plead but i did ask about counseling he said no because he doesnt want to work things out. He said he will always have this doubt about me now, its in his head. I did get smart assed and say well if it woukd be better for you to be aline then go and be alone. He said no cause then i'll say he abandoned me! He said hes staying till the lease. He said i havent pushed him in this decision but everything Ive done these last few months just reassures him. We didnt yell just sat on couch! It ended and he is out changing my oil in my car! I feel hopeless as if his mind is up and there is nothing i can do. Any sugguestions?? Besides im a dumbass
Yasuandio Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 You just started something out of nothing. Jenny, you are self-destructing. The girl was apologizing for asking him out, once he had DECLINED HER OFFER BECAUSE HE IS MARRIED. You just banged him over the head rather than praising his appropriate behavior in an ackward situation. What is wrong with you?
Author Jennyfromtheblick Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 I dont know! He didnt decline and tell her he was married he just didnt respond. I guess I think he should of told me about it!
Yasuandio Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 (edited) I dont know! He didnt decline and tell her he was married he just didnt respond. I guess I think he should of told me about it! What's the difference? No response is the same as declining. And her apology was an indication that she had been informed, in whatever way, that he was married. The apology was the end of the conversation. Isn't that good enough? Especially in light of your own infraction? When should he have told you? You left the marital home without saying anything. He had no idea where you were. You just got home. You are barely talking. You have hardly seen each other. You gotta get a grip. You are stirring the pot. You subconsciously trying to have a show down - cause you want answers NOW. You waant everything OK NOW. I understand. Here, John showed good faith when he helped with the groceries. He was defensive in this latest arguement. Edited March 3, 2013 by Yasuandio
Author Jennyfromtheblick Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 I am trying Yas! It isn't easy for me! Now I don't know what to do
Mack05 Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 (edited) Jen sadly I told you this would happen if you went back home. I told you that would would cause more damage and the longer you stay, the more damage you are going to do. Having you around him, is having the complete opposite effect that you want to have. Having said that "I told you so's" won't help here.. How on earth does he not get the fact you love him? That baffles me and at some stage you are going to have to give him undeniable proof that you love him). Right now though Jen there is little you can do. He is determined to stick to this course of action. Doesn't matter of I (or anyone else) think it's wrong, doesn't matter if I think this guy has the emotional maturity of a giraffe. As of right now his mind is not for changing. That doesn't mean you quit though! He is making a decision when he is depressed. It's like he thinks if he gets divorced ASAP that it will make it all better! It won't! I want to fly to your house and shake the crap out of this guy. I wish he lived just one year of my life in the past 5 years. The one thing he would realise is, if you find love in this world you HOLD OTO IT! Even if that love is tested you don't throw it away unless it is theeeeee very last resort. I would kill to have what he has... Jenny I would do one of two things. Feel free to ignore..Tojaz, Yas, anyone else please comment, add, disagree. 1) You agree to a trial separation if one year.. 2) You will grant him a divorce immediately, ONLY if he agrees to a period of counselling (the length you decide). You make it clear sometimes people don't know what is best for them, even when they are convinced that they do. You make it clear there is no option 3. The key thing now is NOT to get nasty. I wish you could get space :-( Edited March 3, 2013 by Mack05
Yasuandio Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 I am trying Yas! It isn't easy for me! Now I don't know what to do Honey you have to chill out. And you know the mantra. S___ U_, S___ U_, S___ U_. Right? I'll send this right away. And stay in touch with you till other arrive.
tojaz Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Your really going to make this an uphill battle huh! This is going to take some thought Jenny, in the mean time CALM DOWN! If you keep letting your impulses get the better of you, then you have zero chance here, you have to get it under control! Otherwise, your just sabotaging yourself. TOJAZ
Author Jennyfromtheblick Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 Ugh i hate myself! And as we speak hes changing fluids in car! He said he just cant trust me again and he is not allowing me back in! I feel defeated like NOTHING i do will work. Though he admitted in Dec when he said he wasnt just staying cuz lease he meant it. So from then to now its changed. Prob cause of my blowups F*** F***
Author Jennyfromtheblick Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 So glad u all r here now im lost
tojaz Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 J Jenny I would do one of two things. Feel free to ignore..Tojaz, Yas, anyone else please comment, add, disagree. 1) You agree to a trial separation if one year.. 2) You will grant him a divorce immediately, ONLY if he agrees to a period of counselling (the length you decide). You make it clear sometimes people don't know what is best for them, even when they are convinced that they do. ( Strongly disagree here Mack. Not that they both aren't good ideas, I just don't think Jennys H would respond to either and laying any kind of condition on him right now is going to make him leap the other way right off of Big D cliff.
Author Jennyfromtheblick Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 Mack he wont agree to those options because he doesnt trust my word. I did suggest the counseling today and told him id give him divorce but he said he didnt believe me He also said i told him id stop doing these blow ups but i havent
tojaz Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 So glad u all r here now im lost Jenny calm down, quit beating yourself up and just try to relay as much detail about what happened as you can. Something isn't adding up for me.
tojaz Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Ok whats not adding up? WHo told this woman he was available?
Mack05 Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Strongly disagree here Mack. Not that they both aren't good ideas, I just don't think Jennys H would respond to either and laying any kind of condition on him right now is going to make him leap the other way right off of Big D cliff. good point Tojaz...
tojaz Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 OK Jenny, theres a play here I think, give me a few minutes to put it together.... and keep a cool head.
Yasuandio Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Here is my take. This saying "YOU WILL NOT GRANT HIM A DIVORCE" sounds like a power move. And it is BS anyway - cause anyone can get a divorce without you approval. I would stop saying that, and say the opposite. I know this perspective is not going to be popular. But this is the information I think you need to get across to him, perhaps in a written format, beause you cannot control your mouth: (1) I want to apologize for my angry behavior this afternoon. It was inexcuable. I have been under a great deal of stress over the past 4 months with the realization that the marriage I so treasure may be over. (2) If a divorce is what you want, then, because I love you, I will cooperate in anyway I can. (3) All I ask is that you leave the premises so that I may begin accepting my new life. This is absolutely important, for both of us to have private time to heal. (4) I will help you find a place and I will help you pack. It is easier for you (or you) to take a room for a couple months, as I (him) would be re-renting this unit for another term myself (or whatever logical arrangement justifies him or you leaving). Done and done. Now that is a cooperative attitude - and gets the two of you what you need - space. It also provides John what he says he wants - a divorce, which ultimately begins with a separation for now. The person that wants the divorce, is the person that LEAVES. Then, it also puts the ball in John's court, if he is going to file, let'em. [but in my opinion, and I don't think you will do this, I would file first thing tomorrow morning, and have him served at work - that would stun the crap out of him, and he would be at your doorstep on his knees, most likely. That also might be the only way to get him to leave the premises - as he doesn't stike me as the kind of guy that will be reasonable about leaving to keep the peace - he is STUBBORN, just like you.] Someone's got to go. If you file - you'll get a two-for (you'll get him out and stun him). Otherwise - you will be fighting like cats and dogs - and hitting lower and lower below the belt - until it is too low, or gets phisical. Then, of course, I'm going to prescribe Homer McDonald as a last resort technique here. Goole his name and the word "interviews" and there is a lot of free material and recordings on line. Particularly the 3 sentence method - which is embedded in the advice I gave above. Yas
Author Jennyfromtheblick Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 WHo told this woman he was available? She didnt say! She asked him about tutors for her nephew she got custody of and he replied back with many suggestions and she replied back ty for your help we should do coffee or dinner. That she is single and she doesnt know anyone around here and could use a positive role model for her son. This was all in pm but she is in a fb group for the school and had tons of questions and john was the only one to respond with help so then she pm him. Apparently she asked someone his martial status and they said they thought he was either divorced or divorcing so thats why she invited him for a drink. But then when he didnt respond she asked someone else and they said hes married and then she felt bad i guess
Author Jennyfromtheblick Posted March 3, 2013 Author Posted March 3, 2013 Oh yeah he also said he doesnt think i can stop blowing up. Not sure if that matters but thought I should tell you all that. 1
Yasuandio Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 I think this guy has pushed her to her limit. He is playing it for all it's worth, and she is totally and completely in panic mode, losing her cool, and soon to be out of control. I bet, next, the cops are going to be there. Being nice nice does not work. It just fortifies his contempt. Try a different key. Try agreeing to the divorce for real, stop wanting him, and show it. This is the best medicine for you anyway. Constant rejection is going to drive you mad.
Yasuandio Posted March 3, 2013 Posted March 3, 2013 Oh yeah he also said he doesnt think i can stop blowing up. Not sure if that matters but thought I should tell you all that. You can stop blowing up if he can try to stop putting rejection in your face. 1
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