animalover Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Are we talking past as in the last year, or their whole life? I had a promiscuous late teens and early twenties. Then I was in a relationship for 2.5 years. Since then, I've been with far less guys. So although my total number is pretty high, it's not who I am now. Would I still be judged on that total number?? If you ask me? The answer is yes. I would not want to settle with someone who thought about sex as a kind of sport and now when she wants to settle changes her approach to it. But this is my criteria, believe me there are plenty of men who would not mind, my point is that you have not done anything wrong, you have your full right to do what you want with your body, but you should respect people who choose not to pursue you for a relationship based on that behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
animalover Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Dating to find a long-term partner is not about judging a person, it's about judging compatibility. You're probably a lovely person, but not compatible with the OP because your most fundamental views on the meaning of sex are different. And personally, I believe that these views are so deeply engrained in our personality that they don't really change over the course of life. Just like someone who is gay won't turn straight over time. Dam, I wish I would have just explain my feeling about this exactly as you did. That is exactly how I feel! Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 I don't know. I think so though, because as a woman ages, her looks decline and her ability to attract men decreases. So I would feel like she is settling for me, another unfavorable option. I really don't know where it came from, because I wasn't really involved with my parents, I kind of disliked them. They were very very traditional. There is a strong church culture where I live and I did not participate at all and actually shunned it. I am pretty liberal on almost all counts except for this one... Yeah. It's amazing though how the culture can invade your system. Honestly, I think there's some kind of subliminal influence. "We become what we despise, by despising it" (E. Hemmingway.) ...."pretty liberal on almost all counts except for this one...." Possibly the most-widely and frequently-practised pastime between people; a universal activity engaged in by every human being at one point; how your parents made you - and it's the one thing you're NOT 'liberal' about? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jamesbob Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 I never actually viewed my thinking as defective in some way. I just threw in the whole "please help me think right" bit to get some actual discussion. I find if I don't constantly remind the people I'm speaking to I'm just a silly lost man looking for guidance I am not taken seriously and berated for being a misogynist. It's interesting to me that my statements could not be dismantled. The only thing that really made any sense was if a promiscuous gal decided to form a LTR with me instead of just wanting to have sex. This would only work in the early twenties though, since late twenties and early thirties is a time for a "change in priorities", and I won't be the guy stuck with the leftovers. Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Her past sex life is not all about you. That's your ego talking. Sex isn't bad or dirty, therefore a woman that does it a lot is not "bad." That's your mommy talking. Women don't use men for sex. That's your pornography talking. People are beings with real feelings, hopes, dreams, aspirations. They are not objects with values to be assigned or walking price tags. That fact includes you as well as the people you date. That's me talking. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 No. There's nothing to over-think here. If a woman doesn't have sex with a guy very soon after meeting him, he simply doesn't turn her on as much as that guy did that she had sex with two hours after meeting him. The girl that makes the guy wait a month for sex is the same girl that screwed a guy at a bar that turned on all of her attraction triggers. She simply isn't as sexually attracted to you. We may change year after year but our sexual triggers remain relatively the same. As we age, our criteria for partners expand but that is just a necessity of age because we need a wider net of prospects when we can't attract that same type of person as consistently. That's why females are more likely to give betas more of a chance as they age. Doesn't mean the beta turns her on as much as the alpha, though. We live in a therapist culture where every problem one has needs to be analyzed and medicated to death when all was needed was a little perspective. So no, no therapist necessary. Just a little perspective on women. I think we're done here. You suddenly spokesperson, are you? When I need to talk to you, I will. Until then, I'm sure the OP has no difficulty in expressing himself articulately, on his own. Link to post Share on other sites
animalover Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Her past sex life is not all about you. That's your ego talking. Sex isn't bad or dirty, therefore a woman that does it a lot is not "bad." That's your mommy talking. Women don't use men for sex. That's your pornography talking. People are beings with real feelings, hopes, dreams, aspirations. They are not objects with values to be assigned or walking price tags. That fact includes you as well as the people you date. That's me talking. There is where you are wrong... women use and get used by men when the sex is meaningless... it is just that using someone as a vibrator... to gain some sexual pleasure from him without anything else get involved.... Link to post Share on other sites
animalover Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 You suddenly spokesperson, are you? When I need to talk to you, I will. Until then, I'm sure the OP has no difficulty in expressing himself articulately, on his own. Yes he can speak on his own but you seem not to want to understand what he says... do you? Link to post Share on other sites
pbjbear Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 I hate it when men ask me about my sexual history. No matter what the answer, they judge you. I dont ask the guys I date about theirs. I have met many 5 guys that dont do casual sex, most men do casual sex quite frequently and its a turnoff for me. My policy is, dont ask dont tell. I also find are huge hypocrites when it comes to judging a woman's sex history What is up with all these manwhore men that think they deserve a girl with less experience than them? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Yes he can speak on his own but you seem not to want to understand what he says... do you? Initially he seemed to be of the opinion that this was "His" problem, and several people responded to opine that maybe, yes, he did have a judgemental issue, and that perhaps he should address his own mind-set, rather than be too critical of others. One other person actually backed his mind-set up - and suddenly he feels validated, vindicated and "see I was right all along!" But that doesn't actually make him correct in his actions or opinions of the ladies he interacts with.... His own preferences are fine, he's entitled to those. But to JUDGE people based on the fact they may have had more sexual partners than he has, is a flawed PoV. THAT was the original issue. He's quite entitled to view his own preferences regarding sex, promiscuity or reservation as he wishes, but originally, such a view was couched as condemnation of women he interacted with. And that is also, what HE was concerned about.... I - and others - felt this was not a healthy standpoint. Hopefully that clears it up..... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Yes he can speak on his own but you seem not to want to understand what he says... do you? That's because he is regurgitating what he has been reading on LS. he is not speaking from the perspective of personal experience but rather repeating the same old nonsense that a lot of bitter men here on LS like waving around. Link to post Share on other sites
animalover Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 That's because he is regurgitating what he has been reading on LS. he is not speaking from the perspective of personal experience but rather repeating the same old nonsense that a lot of bitter men here on LS like waving around. Look Emilia, I have read many posts by you, I understand that what is written in this threads need to be not of your taste or even regurgitating as you like to describe it... the reason of this is because you feel personally insulted as you may (or may not) have had an approach to sex with some of us find less attractive. I don't think you or anyone here has done anything wrong in their life when it comes to sex, you decide to experience it as you most like it and is your prerogative to do so. But you need to understand AND accept that there are men who would not want to have a serious relationship with you or with someone with the same sexual values as you without meaning that those man are woman haters.... You choose you partners using your own criteria, and men in this thread use their own... how is that old nonsense? It is their criteria! If you (I mean you in an example, I don't pretend to know you or your sexual life) choose to use and be used by a man as a peace of meat for sexual pleasure without even know the real name of the guy... allow me to say that your values when it comes to sex are utterly different than mine! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sabre80 Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Me: You have high standards. If you have sex with me, that means you think I am awesome. You value me as a person and a human being. Me: You have low standards. If you have sex with me, it doesn't mean I am important or valued by you in any way. I am only a sex object to you. Either one of these statements are really kind of messed up if you think about it. Both ends of either extreme but all point to having latent validation issues. You should be searching for a counsellor not an online date. You sound like you are not capable of validating your own self worth but need sex to validate yourself. Either one of these scenarios are going to leave you worse than before. Virgin will probably not sleep with you. You will loose patience and not be able to wait it out with her and she will start to see your true colours and realize you just want sex. She will bounce you and you will realize she does not value you and you will feel bad. In the other scenario she might sleep with you and you will feel like crap because you over think it and still feel like crap. Then in an attempt to make yourself feel better repeat the cycle again. Or more likely you will miss your opportunity to sleep with her and she will move on. You will have been over thinking everything and instead of just enjoying the moment you are busy worrying about what sex with who means and she will bounce you for someone who is just going to poke her and feel good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jamesbob Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 I never actually viewed my thinking as defective in some way. I just threw in the whole "please help me think right" bit to get some actual discussion. I find if I don't constantly remind the people I'm speaking to I'm just a silly lost man looking for guidance I am not taken seriously and berated for being a misogynist. It's interesting to me that my statements could not be dismantled. The only thing that really made any sense was if a promiscuous gal decided to form a LTR with me instead of just wanting to have sex. This would only work in the early twenties though, since late twenties and early thirties is a time for a "change in priorities", and I won't be the guy stuck with the leftovers. That's because he is regurgitating what he has been reading on LS. he is not speaking from the perspective of personal experience but rather repeating the same old nonsense that a lot of bitter men here on LS like waving around. QED /10char 1 Link to post Share on other sites
animalover Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 That's because he is regurgitating what he has been reading on LS. he is not speaking from the perspective of personal experience but rather repeating the same old nonsense that a lot of bitter men here on LS like waving around. How shallow a person can be... she finds people who don't like promiscuous women regurgitating... .but look bellow what she is saying to a virgin guy who has some questions... For most people who don't want to deal with virgins the reason is that they get clingy and needy as they have no relationship and sexual experience. No decent human being wants to unleash that unless they are prepared for the consequences and don't mind dealing with them. Obviously for her the sexual past counts only when she wants it to count right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jamesbob Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 Either one of these statements are really kind of messed up if you think about it. Both ends of either extreme but all point to having latent validation issues. You should be searching for a counsellor not an online date. You sound like you are not capable of validating your own self worth but need sex to validate yourself. Either one of these scenarios are going to leave you worse than before. Virgin will probably not sleep with you. You will loose patience and not be able to wait it out with her and she will start to see your true colours and realize you just want sex. She will bounce you and you will realize she does not value you and you will feel bad. In the other scenario she might sleep with you and you will feel like crap because you over think it and still feel like crap. Then in an attempt to make yourself feel better repeat the cycle again. Or more likely you will miss your opportunity to sleep with her and she will move on. You will have been over thinking everything and instead of just enjoying the moment you are busy worrying about what sex with who means and she will bounce you for someone who is just going to poke her and feel good. Your first paragraph: why is the fact I don't want to be a sex object mean I have latent validation issues? Second paragraph: what part of what I have written makes you think I just want sex? Everything I have posted indicates I want to be with someone who values me for who I am and will not accept having sex for it's own sake. Third paragraph: one of the gals already explicitly said she wanted to have sex with me and I turned her down. And I am not worrying about what it means. My analyzing is not what determines my actions or feelings in the moment. I have already acted and felt what I felt. I am just saying what I believe is the root of those feelings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jamesbob Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 But that doesn't actually make him correct in his actions or opinions of the ladies he interacts with.... His own preferences are fine, he's entitled to those. But to JUDGE people based on the fact they may have had more sexual partners than he has, is a flawed PoV. THAT was the original issue. He's quite entitled to view his own preferences regarding sex, promiscuity or reservation as he wishes, but originally, such a view was couched as condemnation of women he interacted with. And that is also, what HE was concerned about.... I - and others - felt this was not a healthy standpoint. Hopefully that clears it up..... I am a judgmental person, and I think their actions are mistakes. I do not judge them as less valuable as people however. I still like hanging out with them even if I refuse to have sex. In fact one of them is a really cool gal in my opinion, and very intelligent as well. It is fine though, there's another one somewhere just like her who doesn't like the idea of sleeping with everyone that turns them on physically. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 I am a judgmental person, and I think their actions are mistakes. I do not judge them as less valuable as people however. I still like hanging out with them even if I refuse to have sex. In fact one of them is a really cool gal in my opinion, and very intelligent as well. It is fine though, there's another one somewhere just like her who doesn't like the idea of sleeping with everyone that turns them on physically. Having personal preferences is healthy. Being judgemental of someone else whose preferences you don't prescribe to - isn't. You may view their actions as mistakes. If they don't agree with you, that's not misguided of them.... By all means chose whom you want to go out with. But simply because their lifestyle doesn't match your ideology, doesn't make them 'bad', or you 'good'. No person is better or worse for their sexual proclivities. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Question. I have met a couple girls off the internet, pof and okcupid and the like. And my ex and I were our firsts. I have a big hangup re: these new girls having had many previous sexual partners. I believe it lies in this bit of logic I am about to post for you. I am hoping someone can either blow it apart or somehow convince me that it's okay to go near these girl's private locations. Currently I have just been giving them the female equivalent of blue balls..... The best, and most clear explanation I have, and believe that is the root of my issue is with these two conversations: Virgin gal: Me: How many sexual partners have you had? Her: I am a virgin, I haven't yet met a man who is worthy of sleeping with me. Me: You have high standards. If you have sex with me, that means you think I am awesome. You value me as a person and a human being. Experienced gal: Me: How many sexual partners have you had? Her: About 50, I go through maybe 12 a year. Me: You have low standards. If you have sex with me, it doesn't mean I am important or valued by you in any way. I am only a sex object to you. I hope someone can help me out here as I think I would like to bang some of these girls, one of them explicitly told me they wanted to but I told her I am not interested due to this issue. OP how many sex partners have you had? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 OP how many sex partners have you had? Just the One. And my ex and I were our firsts........ I hope someone can help me out here as I think I would like to bang some of these girls... . Link to post Share on other sites
Author jamesbob Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 Having personal preferences is healthy. Being judgemental of someone else whose preferences you don't prescribe to - isn't. You may view their actions as mistakes. If they don't agree with you, that's not misguided of them.... By all means chose whom you want to go out with. But simply because their lifestyle doesn't match your ideology, doesn't make them 'bad', or you 'good'. No person is better or worse for their sexual proclivities. Human value is immutable OP how many sex partners have you had? One Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 OP how many sex partners have you had? Just the One. And my ex and I were our firsts........ I hope someone can help me out here as I think I would like to bang some of these girls... . Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Human value is immutable Oh of course it isn't! It can't be! Too many differing parameters! Nothing is struck in stone when it comes to 'Human Value' don't be unintelligent, please! Link to post Share on other sites
Author jamesbob Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 Oh of course it isn't! It can't be! Too many differing parameters! Nothing is struck in stone when it comes to 'Human Value' don't be unintelligent, please! Please explain, are you trolling me? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 I was about to ask you the same question, actually...... Link to post Share on other sites
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