# of sexual partners changing my decision on moving forward?

[Titania22]

Because why does the activity change, and why sex specifically? Why couldn't it be some other activity that you enjoy doing with intelligent attractive men?

 

Why not........ horseriding? Or video games? Why does sex change when you get in a relationship if, when outside of a relationship, it is no different from other personal activity that you do with people you are interested in?

 

well for a start horse riding and video games doesn't involve another human penetrating inside my body. Maybe you don't get it because sex for you doesn't involve having something foreign entering into your body.

 

So in that way it is different from those other activities you mentioned.

 

and regardless of if some people say they can have sex without attachment, it is still a very intimate activity, a closeness is shared with the people engage with sexually, regardless of if that person would make a good partner for them.

 

Once they are sharing that closeness and love with one person that they care deeply about, it is quite natural (for some people, not all) to not want to take other people inside their bodies.

 

Even when a person feels sure they won't develop feelings for someone through intimacy, there is always the chance that will happen. So even if someone were to promise that the other people they have sex with don't mean anything to them, sometimes they are wrong and unexpectedly develop attachments. So in order to avoid the risk of unexpectedly falling in love with someone else, many couples choose to be monogamous.

 

Obviously there is some small risk of falling for people by playing video games or horse riding with them, but the risk is much much smaller, because the intimacy of these activities is much lower.

[silvermercy]

I think what jamesbob is trying to say is this (I'm just using different words and examples):

 

Is the level of intimacy, love, loyalty (and all those good things) in a monogamous relationship with a promiscuous person the same as those with a non-promiscuous person?

 

In a scale of 0-100%, is the love, intimacy loyalty etc that the promiscuous person gives the same as the non-promiscuous one? How do we know for sure? We don't. But how can we minimise the risk? By choosing the non-promiscuous person we most click with.

 

Example: Let's assume I'm going to experimentally date two twin brothers. All parameters regarding personality, looks, common interests etc appear to be the same for both.

But one twin is usually promiscuous when he is single and the other twin is not.

Who am I going to choose as more suitable and safer long-term partner based on this info (assuming all other parameters are correct and equal)?

I am going to choose the non-promiscuous one of course.

[sillyanswer]

The best, and most clear explanation I have, and believe that is the root of my issue is with these two conversations:

 

 

Virgin gal:

Me: How many sexual partners have you had?

Her: I am a virgin, I haven't yet met a man who is worthy of sleeping with me.

Me: You have high standards. If you have sex with me, that means you think I am awesome. You value me as a person and a human being.

 

 

Experienced gal:

Me: How many sexual partners have you had?

Her: About 50, I go through maybe 12 a year.

Me: You have low standards. If you have sex with me, it doesn't mean I am important or valued by you in any way. I am only a sex object to you.

 

I hope someone can help me out here as I think I would like to bang some of these girls, one of them explicitly told me they wanted to but I told her I am not interested due to this issue.

 

Does it ever go like this:

 

You: How many sexual partners have you had?

Her: Mind your own business!

 

 

Anyway, it's not about "standards" as much as it's about liking sex. Some people like to have sex with the people they date, even before they know whether or not those people are going to turn into long-term partners (or even fully knowing that they don't want a long-term partner right now) and, sometimes, that can lead to having had what seems to you to be lots of partners.

 

More important questions should be:

 

You: When did you last get tested for sexually transmitted infections? What was the result? When, in relation to that test, did you last have sex?

 

and if she says that's none of your business then you've got a problem.

[Titania22]

I think what jamesbob is trying to say is this (I'm just using different words and examples):

 

Is the level of intimacy, love, loyalty (and all those good things) in a monogamous relationship with a promiscuous person the same as those with a non-promiscuous person?

 

In a scale of 0-100%, is the love, intimacy loyalty etc that the promiscuous person gives the same as the non-promiscuous one? How do we know for sure? We don't. But how can we minimise the risk? By choosing the non-promiscuous person we most click with.

 

Example: Let's assume I'm going to experimentally date two twin brothers. All parameters regarding personality, looks, common interests etc appear to be the same for both.

But one twin is usually promiscuous when he is single and the other twin is not.

Who am I going to choose as more suitable and safer long-term partner based on this info (assuming all other parameters are correct and equal)?

I am going to choose the non-promiscuous one of course.

 

I don't think you can automatically equate love and intimacy with levels of promiscuity in single people, because a person could be not have sex for a number of reasons, such as "they don't enjoy sex" or "they have a very low libido", so by picking the less promiscuous brother you might be choosing the safer option, but you also might be choosing an option that leaves you ultimately unsatisfied or even wanting for more affection, if he isn't an affectionate person.

 

I also wonder about the OP, because he says that loving someone for him is completely a choice, which sounds very cerebral and unemotional. If this is really how it is for him, then his questions about why expect a partner to be monogamous within the relationship make alot more sense. For me loving someone isn't something my brain decides cognitively, it is something i either feel or don't feel.