animalover Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I still don't understand what you are getting at. Do you think sex is bad and sinful? Do you think that people who are able to separate sex from emotions are bad? I can't really see why you would be asking these questions otherwise. Having several sexual partners in the past and not being monogamous are not the same thing. I'm not sure why you are equating the two. For me it always takes a long time to find someone I can very strongly relate to so I have had more casual sex than serious relationships. Why would that make me a cheat and not being able to hold a monogamous relationship? I don't understand your reasoning. You should read all the thread and my questions correctly... I don't think a girl who engages in casual sex would be more a potential cheater than a girl who doesn't ... but for that we would need a total different thread! I don't think casual sex is sinful... I am agnostic so I don't do condemnation... I do think casual sex is bad but not for the reasons that you may think, I think the person who engages in casual sex lose perspective on the meaning of the act... again we could use a full thread just to discuss this... not what I trying to say anyway... I am just trying to ask you.... if for you casual sex can be totally separated from love why would you care if your boyfriend would have meaningless sex with other people? Why embrace monogamous relationship?
Emilia Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 You should read all the thread and my questions correctly... Ah, English is not your first language, I get it now. I just find your wording quite stilted sometimes as if you were trying to imply something rather than the face value of your posts. I certainly won't read the whole thread, I doubt there is much point. I am just trying to ask you.... if for you casual sex can be totally separated from love why would you care if your boyfriend would have meaningless sex with other people? Why embrace monogamous relationship? I don't think you understand that sex isn't always separated from love. If you are not in love with anyone, you can still find another person sexually attractive and have sex with them. If you are in love with someone, even if you are not with them (thus you are single) you can't necessarily have sex with others because your emotional attachment to the person you are in love with is very strong. When you love someone sex is one way to express that love and the intimacy created often does not leave room for anyone else - hence sexual jealousy and hurt when someone cheats. The reason for this is that your brain is the biggest sexual organ and the chemicals that are formed through sexual bonding are supposed to strengthen the potential for monogamy. This is why people have rebound sex after a break up to sever the sexual bond that would keep them in its hold otherwise. When you are not bonding with someone emotionally, you don't get this kind of chemical reaction in the brain necessarily hence you are able to walk away from the casual dating. Some of it is also learned behaviour as we put value on how we are viewed by others: ie we expect to have love shown to us by monogamous behaviour and being made feel special that the other person isn't considering anyone else as a sexual partner. It is a way to show us that they love us and make us feel secure. Some of this is biological (for child rearing) some of it is socially evolved (for stability in society, religious reasons, etc). There are people who disregard monogamy and are able to compartmentalise emotional attachment in a way that allows them to perform sex with others. All in all, a lot of it will depend on how you emotionally condition yourself and how you are conditioned by the environment you grow up in. 1
animalover Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Do you think that people who are able to separate sex from emotions are bad? Why would that make me a cheat and not being able to hold a monogamous relationship? Or do you think that 'good' people only have sex with 1 person in their entire life because they wait until they find the perfect partner? If you have any relationship experience then you know that when a relationship ends is often not in your control. Just to answer you the 3 questions above? 1- I don't think people who can separate sex from love are bad... I think they are wrong... is a completely different thing! I think they can do what they want but I would never date one of them! 2- As said before I don't think a person who engages in casual sex would not be faithful in a monogamous relationship or but obviously since I would not date one person like that I find them unqualified for a monogamous relationship with me, but probably they would make very happy someone with their own values. 3- I don't think anyone here expects others to wait with sex till the one and only comes... it is more about how a person approach sex... I would not mind to date a woman who has been in LTR with 10 men (hence has had sex with 10 men) but I would never date a woman who has only had sex with 2 men but it was in a threesome in or in ONS... I don't think I find attractive the idea of a person who allow others to use her for sex like a piece of meat... or who use others for sex like they would be a meat vibrator....
Emilia Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 3- I don't think anyone here expects others to wait with sex till the one and only comes... it is more about how a person approach sex... I would not mind to date a woman who has been in LTR with 10 men (hence has had sex with 10 men) but I would never date a woman who has only had sex with 2 men but it was in a threesome in or in ONS... I don't think I find attractive the idea of a person who allow others to use her for sex like a piece of meat... or who use others for sex like they would be a meat vibrator.... I prefer honest people. Everyone has sexual needs and everyone gets used as a meat vibrator in one shape or form they just don't always know it. The woman who had 10 LTRs could have been still used for sex by the guys and very likely if she had that many LTRs and never got married - if she wants to get married let's say as most do - she stayed in relationships too long and wasn't appreciated by her partners. Everyone draws the line somewhere but someone who is honest about their sexual need and who is able to draw boundaries (ie not to stay in relationships for too long) is far more attractive to me than someone who will stay in relationships that don't make him or her happy. I find people who are in lots of LTRs are often that way because this is what they think society wants from them or they are too weak to be by themselves. To me that's fake. Your 2nd point on monogamy is baseless.
animalover Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Ah, English is not your first language, I get it now. I just find your wording quite stilted sometimes as if you were trying to imply something rather than the face value of your posts. I certainly won't read the whole thread, I doubt there is much point. Yes, English is not my first language! I don't think you understand that sex isn't always separated from love. If you are not in love with anyone, you can still find another person sexually attractive and have sex with them. If you are in love with someone, even if you are not with them (thus you are single) you can't necessarily have sex with others because your emotional attachment to the person you are in love with is very strong. When you love someone sex is one way to express that love and the intimacy created often does not leave room for anyone else - hence sexual jealousy and hurt when someone cheats. The reason for this is that your brain is the biggest sexual organ and the chemicals that are formed through sexual bonding are supposed to strengthen the potential for monogamy. This is why people have rebound sex after a break up to sever the sexual bond that would keep them in its hold otherwise. When you are not bonding with someone emotionally, you don't get this kind of chemical reaction in the brain necessarily hence you are able to walk away from the casual dating. [some of it is also learned behaviour as we put value on how we are viewed by others: ie we expect to have love shown to us by monogamous behaviour and being made feel special that the other person isn't considering anyone else as a sexual partner. It is a way to show us that they love us and make us feel secure that is exactly the reason I would never date a woman who has engaged in casual sex... because the sex with her would never feel special for me anymore! It would make it special because you don't have sex with others when you are with a guy? Hell... that is minimum... what would make it special is when your requirement to have sex with someone is high... that would make anyone feel that the fact he has gone so far with you is because he is special! Some of this is biological (for child rearing) some of it is socially evolved (for stability in society, religious reasons, etc). There are people who disregard monogamy and are able to compartmentalise emotional attachment in a way that allows them to perform sex with others. All in all, a lot of it will depend on how you emotionally condition yourself and how you are conditioned by the environment you grow up in. I still don't understand how someone who does not mind with how many people your partner has been in the past... would care if your partner would have totally meaningless sex with other women... it is just meaningless... you should understand that better than anyone... your boyfriend would still be able to love you and bound with you... and be totally emotionally loyal to you... so why would you care about the totally meaningless sex with other girls? 10 characters....
Emilia Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I still don't understand how someone who does not mind with how many people your partner has been in the past... would care if your partner would have totally meaningless sex with other women... it is just meaningless... you should understand that better than anyone... your boyfriend would still be able to love you and bound with you... and be totally emotionally loyal to you... so why would you care about the totally meaningless sex with other girls? Are you a virgin if you don't mind my asking? Because you don't seem to have a grasp on the nuances of sexuality and emotions.
animalover Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I prefer honest people. Everyone has sexual needs and everyone gets used as a meat vibrator in one shape or form they just don't always know it. The woman who had 10 LTRs could have been still used for sex by the guys and very likely if she had that many LTRs and never got married - if she wants to get married let's say as most do - she stayed in relationships too long and wasn't appreciated by her partners. Everyone draws the line somewhere but someone who is honest about their sexual need and who is able to draw boundaries (ie not to stay in relationships for too long) is far more attractive to me than someone who will stay in relationships that don't make him or her happy. I find people who are in lots of LTRs are often that way because this is what they think society wants from them or they are too weak to be by themselves. To me that's fake. Your 2nd point on monogamy is baseless. It could happen that someone get used for sex.. what I find less attractive though is the people who allow it and promote it... I could have been used for sex.. you are right... but the fact is that from my side when I had sex I can honestly call it make love... because it was exactly that... People who engage in casual sex and use and get used with the only purpose of sexual satisfaction are just acting as mere animals... (I know a lot about this.. I am a veterinarian!). One of the few things where humans and animals are different is in the way we engage sex....
Emilia Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 (edited) People who engage in casual sex and use and get used with the only purpose of sexual satisfaction are just acting as mere animals... (I know a lot about this.. I am a veterinarian!). One of the few things where humans and animals are different is in the way we engage sex.... Ah so you are not a virgin. Actually I don't think we are that different from animals in this sense. I think you would probably do well not to put sex on such high pedestal. That's not to say you should view casual sex as a good thing but on the other hand, sex is a very basic body function. You will get hurt if you put it on a pedestal and view it as some kind of sacred thing. Love is sacred but sex isn't really. It is for procreation. We feel love to stay together with our partner to raise our children but it's the urge to procreate is what drives the urge to form long term relationships. Not the other way round. Edited January 31, 2013 by Emilia
animalover Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Are you a virgin if you don't mind my asking? Because you don't seem to have a grasp on the nuances of sexuality and emotions. I don't mind you asking and I am not virgin. If I would be virgin I would not be ashamed of it either (if it was for my own choice of course). I have had some long term relationships where I have enjoyed sex with my partners. At the moment I have a girlfriend of 1 month but we still haven't had sex... I do understand sex... but definitely in a totally different manner than you... I totally agree with you on that!
Emilia Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I do understand sex... but definitely in a totally different manner than you... I totally agree with you on that! You seem very upset by my views and I don't understand why, that's why I asked whether you were a virgin. If you don't want casual sex, don't engage in it. I don't understand why it's such an emotive subject for you.
animalover Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Ah so you are not a virgin. Actually I don't think we are that different from animals in this sense. I think you would probably do well not to put sex on such high pedestal. That's not to say you should view casual sex as a good thing but on the other hand, sex is a very basic body function. You will get hurt if you put it on a pedestal and view it as some kind of sacred thing. Love is sacred but sex isn't really. It is for procreation. We feel love to stay together with our partner to raise our children but it's the urge to procreate is what drives the urge to form long term relationships. Not the other way round. Have you ever question yourself why they call it making love??? You are in your total right to understand sex in your own way... I am just saying that you should look for someone with the same sexual values when you look for a actual relationship... otherwise the person you choose could feel defrauded about your approach to sex... I actually do exactly the same... as I can imagine that not having the same sexual experience as some other guys who actually engage in casual sex often a woman who has had many sexual partners would not enjoy sex with me as much as with someone with more experience... You see, I don't say you can't do something.. just be honest about it! I have seen too many post in this forum of women lying to their partners about their past... That is lame!
animalover Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 You seem very upset by my views and I don't understand why, that's why I asked whether you were a virgin. If you don't want casual sex, don't engage in it. I don't understand why it's such an emotive subject for you. I guess I am as emotive with the subject as you are to defend the casual sex... Obviously if all the people would begin to think as you it would get to a moment where I could not select a woman who would think like me right? I have to honestly say too... that I have a too naive way to look at women, I see women in general as pure and innocent... and when I see one who doesn't match that profile... kind of make that view go....
Emilia Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Have you ever question yourself why they call it making love??? I actually call it f***ing. Sorry to be crude. I called it that with my ex even though we made love. We were honest, however You are in your total right to understand sex in your own way... I am just saying that you should look for someone with the same sexual values when you look for a actual relationship... :confused::confused::confused: You don't know the first thing about me and you are making assumptions? otherwise the person you choose could feel defrauded about your approach to sex... I actually do exactly the same... as I can imagine that not having the same sexual experience as some other guys who actually engage in casual sex often a woman who has had many sexual partners would not enjoy sex with me as much as with someone with more experience... You are totally ignorant about how people work in bed You see, I don't say you can't do something.. just be honest about it! I have seen too many post in this forum of women lying to their partners about their past... That is lame! :confused::confused::confused: You don't know the first thing about me and you are making assumptions?
Emilia Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I guess I am as emotive with the subject as you are to defend the casual sex... I haven't been defending anything. I have been responding to your questions and have been trying to be rational - which doesn't seem to be something you are capable of. Are we talking about the same thread here? Obviously if all the people would begin to think as you it would get to a moment where I could not select a woman who would think like me right? I have to honestly say too... that I have a too naive way to look at women, I see women in general as pure and innocent... and when I see one who doesn't match that profile... kind of make that view go.... Yeah... you have some maturing to do. I don't know how old you are.
animalover Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 :confused::confused::confused: You don't know the first thing about me and you are making assumptions? Just one last thing.. I can't keep chatting with you although it has been very interesting... YOU have said various times you engage in casual sex ... I just made a comment based on what you have stated previously... for the rest... you are totally right I don't know anything about you and you don't know anything about me... this is the internet, a forum..... just that! You give your opinion and I give mine... Have a nice day!
animalover Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I haven't been defending anything. I have been responding to your questions and have been trying to be rational - which doesn't seem to be something you are capable of. Are we talking about the same thread here? Yeah... you have some maturing to do. I don't know how old you are. For the records I am 27!
Emilia Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 YOU have said various times you engage in casual sex ... I just made a comment based on what you have stated previously... for the rest... you are totally right I don't know anything about you and you don't know anything about me... this is the internet, a forum..... just that! You give your opinion and I give mine... It's pointless to post opinions that's not based on actual knowledge rather than on assumptions though? It devalues what you post. What's the point in that? When you generalise - like you are doing on this thread - rather than try to understand a person's point of view it shows you narrow minded. I thought the idea of posting here was to learn or seek advice.
animalover Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 It's pointless to post opinions that's not based on actual knowledge rather than on assumptions though? It devalues what you post. What's the point in that? You should take your own advise !!! I have seen your telling women how they should not disclose their sexual past... and go next to a post of a virgin guy and telling him how he should disclose his ... It is just funny !
silvermercy Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 You will get hurt if you put it on a pedestal and view it as some kind of sacred thing. Love is sacred but sex isn't really. It is for procreation. We feel love to stay together with our partner to raise our children but it's the urge to procreate is what drives the urge to form long term relationships. Not the other way round. I think this view is highly subjective. For me, and many other people, sex is a sacred act and is indeed put on a pedestal because we feel it should be there in the first place. That's because sex is the most intimate physical act you can share with the one you love, and nothing else comes closer to that (well, apart from donating your kidney perhaps. LOL). There's no denying about that. Of course people will get hurt this way, that's because they're not exactly robots. So this brings me to the question that many non-promiscuous people ask: do promiscuous people feel less emotion? Even in GENERAL terms? Of course, the promiscuous people will swear up and down they're the most emotional and sensitive people they exist on Earth (and it may be true on a lot of occasions), but there's not an official scale to measure it unfortunately. Hence, non-promiscuous people are now free to question the level of the promiscuous people's level of emotion and, thus, love bonding. They will question if it's adequate or not for them, and then decide. Non-promiscuous people usually have a natural self-protection mechanism and they will try to avoid people who don't have this same mechanism as them. They will question why this mechanism is redundant to promiscuous people. The possibilities are endless. Are they lacking empathy? Are they deficient in oxytocin? Do they feel less love in general compared to people who bond with sex? Is their definition of love the same as their own? Do they bond in the same way? I, personally, do not believe these two "teams" have the same definitions, and hence, we are not usually compatible.
Emilia Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 You should take your own advise !!! I have seen your telling women how they should not disclose their sexual past... and go next to a post of a virgin guy and telling him how he should disclose his ... It is just funny ! Where did I say that women shouldn't disclose their sexual past? Please quote my own words back to me. You are projecting. You think casual sex is shameful and you think everyone who engages in it feels shame or should feel shame. Hence your thinking that it is something I would want to hide or would advise women to hide.
animalover Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 Where did I say that women shouldn't disclose their sexual past? Please quote my own words back to me. You are projecting. You think casual sex is shameful and you think everyone who engages in it feels shame or should feel shame. Hence your thinking that it is something I would want to hide or would advise women to hide. In one thing you are right... I do think casual sex is shameful! Using someone else or getting used for physical pleasure is just gross... I would feel dirty if I would have sex with a woman with such an approach to sex!
Emilia Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 In one thing you are right... I do think casual sex is shameful! Using someone else or getting used for physical pleasure is just gross... I would feel dirty if I would have sex with a woman with such an approach to sex! So? Why get so wound up over it? You are 27 not 18. Just deal with it.
animalover Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 So? Why get so wound up over it? You are 27 not 18. Just deal with it. I deal pretty good with it... I just don't date that kind of women...
Emilia Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 I deal pretty good with it... I just don't date that kind of women... Good. I find men who associate sex with guilt or shame and put women on a pedestal usually have mommy issues.
animalover Posted January 31, 2013 Posted January 31, 2013 (edited) Good. I find men who associate sex with guilt or shame and put women on a pedestal usually have mommy issues. Well since I didn't met my mother... It could be that in my case... but I just don't care what you think... I could reverse what you just said by saying that I find that women who are promiscuous have daddy issues... Edited January 31, 2013 by animalover
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