Don't believe it's the truth, but it might be...

[BetrayedH]

Here are my thoughts on the "questions and answers" that the OP have, and the burning need for "truth" that most BS's have.

 

First off...if a BS is reconciling, that means that in some fashion or another they have to "forgive" the WS.

 

A huge part of that is the need to have an accurate understanding of what it is that they're being expected to forgive. Sure, some folks can "forgive and forget" without a care about what it is that they're forgiving...to me that seems pretty shallow and short-sighted, but hey, it works for them. But that doesn't work for most others. Most of us have to understand what it is we're being asked (or expected) to forgive.

 

There's also the issues around the truthfullness/trustworthiness of the WS now...when they clearly weren't before. If you're going to attempt to continue a relationship with someone after the trust has been thoroughly damaged, one of the first places that most folks tend to start rebuilding that trust is by being honest about what they'd lied about before.

 

A WS being honest about the affair...what was hidden and lied about before...is an indication of true remorse and a true desire to rebuild the relationship on honesty. A WS who trickle-truths or lies AGAIN is indicating that they are NOT willing to rebuild the new relationship on trust...they're STILL not trustworthy.

 

My wife didn't understand my need to understand the depth/scope of her affair at first...after time, and with the help of our MC, she did. She got it. She realized that it was a way for her to demonstrate her honesty and trustworthiness now, where she hadn't been before. Instead of being insulted by it, she learned to use it as an opportunity to actually start fixing the damage that had been done by her deceit previously.

 

But there you go.

 

This is why most BS's go through the whole "gotta have the truth" thing.

 

And if you think about it...it makes sense why many (current) WS's don't "get it". They STILL don't understand the need for honesty or truth in a relationship...so they can't understand why someone would insist on it in their own relationships, or offer it to others who may also need similar information to make their own informed decisions.

 

Quoted for truth.

[road]

Here are my thoughts on the "questions and answers" that the OP have, and the burning need for "truth" that most BS's have.

 

A huge part of that is the need to have an accurate understanding of what it is that they're being expected to forgive. Sure, some folks can "forgive and forget" without a care about what it is that they're forgiving...to me that seems pretty shallow and short-sighted,

 

 

Some BH, when their WW confessed their affair, the BH asked are you going to leave me.

 

Their WW said no.

 

Then they asked their WW is the affair over.

 

Their WW said yes.

 

Their WW offered to tell the BH what every they needed to know about the affair just ask them and they would truthfully answer all their questions.

 

Worried about recovery they would post on forums and say their BH has them scared all I see is BH's here wanting to talk non stop about the affair and badger their WW's with questions. They would ask what's wrong my BH post dday.

 

Nothing was wrong with their BH post dday.

 

These BH were not shallow. They knew the limits of how they could not handle any more mind movies then what their WW's just revealed to them.

 

This is why the BS gets to control how much info gets revealed.

 

If a BS has to know all, then they must be told all.

[Mr. Lucky]

All people are flawed. All people make mistakes. WS's after an affair act in a way that shows they are worthy a shot at recovery and some do not.

 

Some BS's will never be able to accept their WS back after an affair some can.

 

Agree 100%. But you're talking about placing excessive and in some instances compulsive - months and years down the "road" (pun intended ) - interpretations on your after-the-affair partner based on their during-the-affair conduct. By definition, during the affair they lied, cheated, obfuscated, covered up, mis-directed, deceived and betrayed. They f*cked up and f*cked you over. And if they don't own that then there's no reason to stay and lots of reasons to go.

 

But if you do stay the fact is that you've accepted certain things, including that your spouse slept with someone else. There's no way around that fact. The rest is just details that don't change or define the underlying truth.

Ray, the truth is - as in most cases of infidelity - you will never know the WHOLE truth. unless you were there during their rendezvous, you will never have everything.

 

if you truly want to reconcile, your gonna have to let that nagging feeling go.

My last comment in this thread. I certainly respect the right of others to feel differently...

 

Mr. Lucky

[road]

But if you do stay the fact is that you've accepted certain things, including that your spouse slept with someone else. There's no way around that fact. The rest is just details that don't change or define the underlying truth.

 

 

No it is not just details.

 

By the WS giving the details the WS is showing and proving that they are done with their lying ways and now are being truthful. Without willing to be truthful in all matters trust will never be restored in the marriage.

 

Without trust the marriage will never be healthy.

 

The WS by giving up the details shows the BS that what the WS had with their AP was nothing special.

 

By the WS giving the details they show that they are not hiding anything to protect their AP. The WS is now putting the BS first ahead of the AP.