CantgetoveritNY Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 Do the police really allow you for a fee to use their equipment and examiner to ask your ex-wife if she swallowed or did reverse cowgirl with her affair partner ??? Mr. Lucky I looked into it. I never heard of going to the police. But I know that in any city of decent size you are going to find available polygraph services for private costumers. BS are very common users of this service. But far from the only ones. There are many reason why private parties polygraph each other. Like one poster said though, the best information you will get is likely to be on the way to the polygraph appointment. The WW does not have to know that the polygraph is very limited in scope. So on the way to the appointment you should make sure you get all the info you can and want. Then at the appointment you get to pick one question you want verified. Just don't tell the WW that is what is going on. My WW confessed what I "needed" to know before the appointment. I don't think I want to threaten a poly just to get the last few details out of her. I might though. I don't know yet. Link to post Share on other sites
CantgetoveritNY Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 I am sorry to say CantgetoveritNY that this thread is not about you, or any other person around but about Ray... If you have doubts about what extras would you like to know about your wife A and if you should pursuit that way open your own thread. If Ray find my comment not helpful or useful I'd stop. I don't care what you think. At all. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 I find the whole threat of a polygraph to be beyond repair. If that is how bad it is then just let it go, move on with your life. You aren't interested in moving forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 If that is how bad it is then just let it go, move on with your life. You aren't interested in moving forward. I'd have to agree. I wonder what the mindset would be of a BS that had an admitted WS polygraphed over some affair detail - like Ray's tattoo - and they passed the test. Didn't they in a sense already fail the test in that you mistrusted them enough to polygraph them ??? Again, I think that proximity to D Day matters. In first crazy couple of months, all bets are off. If I'm still stuck in this mindset years down the road then I have no business still being married to that person... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 So, from your point of view if it had been only once instead of 50 times it would have made a difference? Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted December 3, 2012 Share Posted December 3, 2012 What question do you want her to answer in the polygraph test? Link to post Share on other sites
Author raykinsella Posted December 4, 2012 Author Share Posted December 4, 2012 How many times they had sex? Did she ever consider leaving me for him? When did it start? Does she still love him? Does she regret it? If I kicked her out would she consider going back to him? She claims that it was more about the attention and compliments he was giving her and says she only had sex because she knew it would all stop if she didnt. I would like to know if that is true. I could think of a thousand questions. If I had to choose one it would be if she still loves him, does she still have positive feelings for him or does she regret it and see it as a huge mistake caused by this "fog". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cb3657 Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 I love that your wife was insulted that you thought she might be lieing, hello irony. I would go through with it now, you brought it up and she says she's ready, but make a commitment to yourself to do something about the result. If she is still lieing it is over If she is not lieing I will go all in on reconciliation That kind of thing so this whole drama is not just to torture yourself, it needs to serve a concrete purpose. If the purpose is just to get your wife to tell the truth then I don't see how you will ever believe her again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CantgetoveritNY Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 I've strongly considered using a poly. But got the answers to the biggest questions without it. I still think after reading all this that it sounds tempting to me. To get to the bottom of the remaining questions. But then I think of my WW. If I did this I know how it would go. She would spill the sordid details of her entire life in the pre-test and be a sobbing broken mess. Things that she regretted and wanted to at least have some shred of hope that no one would ever know would come out. I don't think I want to do that to her just to satisfy my curiosity about the few things I still can't get her to tell me or doubt she is telling the truth about. No matter how firmly I believe she owes me the answers and the whole truth, I don't want to destroy her to get it. I can see why Alice2012 did it and think she did the right thing. I'm pretty sure my reasons are not that good. Only Ray knows how his wife would handle it and how bad he needs the answers. Link to post Share on other sites
meandmyself Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 I'd have to agree. I wonder what the mindset would be of a BS that had an admitted WS polygraphed over some affair detail - like Ray's tattoo - and they passed the test. Didn't they in a sense already fail the test in that you mistrusted them enough to polygraph them ??? Again, I think that proximity to D Day matters. In first crazy couple of months, all bets are off. If I'm still stuck in this mindset years down the road then I have no business still being married to that person... Mr. Lucky They failed the trust test in the moment they cheated ... this is not anymore about the BS having trust on the WS but about the WS building trust again on the BS... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 I've never heard of anyone going to a police department - not in the United States anyway. I don't even think they have that equipment. Does not have the equipment? Maybe not in a town so small they don't even have a stop light. Or where Barney Fife works. You never heard of people going to the PD to get a poly because they don't. People contact the PD to get referrals for polygraph testing. Learn to read between the lines. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 So, from your point of view if it had been only once instead of 50 times it would have made a difference? That is the whole point. Every BS has what is right for them. The point of no return. The BS that can live with once is right to live that way. The BS that can live with 50 times but not 51 is just as right. The BS can't make a decision on what is right for them if they are fed the wrong information. This is why the truth is needed. This is why the BS controls the level of truth revealed. This is why the WH can not control the truth by holding back when the BS asks for the truth. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 OP, some ideas ...they may be really great or really awful, but maybe there is something in here that can help you... 1.- make a list of all the questions you feel you need answers to. Take your time and don't rush it. Write out your list, review it a few times, and when you feel it is ready, give it o your wife. Tell her she has one day to respond, in writing, with the answers. Let her know that you need the truth, no mater how painful it may be for you to hear it. Explain to her just how important the truth is to you right now, and that from your point of view, if the two of you are ever going to move forward, you need the truth, painful as it may be to hear it. 2.- do you have any way of finding out the truth of what she is saying on your own? As for a lie detector test, from what I understand, they aren't 100% reliable... 3.- are you willing to accept that there may be some things about the affair that you may never know the answers to? you need to weigh how important those answers are...can you accept this and move forward, or do you think that you may spend the rest of your days bogged down in this desire to know should you stay together? Sometimes, a big part of reconciliation is understanding that there may be some details of the affair that you may never know about. Can you live with that? Think about what you need to know and is it's really that important? (only you know the answer to that...what's important for you may not be to someone else...we are all different) 4.- if you feel that you can let some of the relatively minor details go, then maybe you can move forward by "dating" each other again, and starting your relationship fresh. Some people are able to make the best out of a cr@ppy situation and build an even stronger relationship out of the old one...that takes time and understanding and a lot of patience, and it's not right for everyone. as much as I hate to see a marriage end, if you don't feel that you can get past not knowing everything about the affair, the maybe staying together isn't what's right for either one of you...everyone handles this sort of thing differently, and what works for you is what works for you....just don't lose yourself and become someone you don't like because of the affair...be tru to yourself and what your own ethics are 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 Really? Just a poloygraph means the relationship is over? What if instead of a polygraph a person is screwing an OM or OW? Oh wait a second that's you, isn't it? Yet you didn't divorce your wife yet, did you? LOL If the affair is already admitted, yes. If the biggest truth is already admitted then the polygraph is pointless but to futher shame and diminish the WS. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 They failed the trust test in the moment they cheated ... this is not anymore about the BS having trust on the WS but about the WS building trust again on the BS... How does the WS build trust "on" the BS when, by your definition, there is no level of conduct and no limit to the window where effort towards transparency and recommitment doesn't subject a WS to a polygraph years down the road over whether they did doggy style or missionary with their AP? Trust goes both ways and at some point the BS is going to have to judge based on the WS's conduct post-affair. The past cannot be changed. If the standard is always going to be that the WS "failed the trust test in the moment they cheated" - and the BS has every right to make that statement and conclusion - then divorce and move on with your life. Who would want to subject themselves - and their spouse if the do truly still love them - to this kind of living hell years after the affair? Makes no sense to me and, as I said before, I was a BS... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
meandmyself Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 If the affair is already admitted, yes. If the biggest truth is already admitted then the polygraph is pointless but to futher shame and diminish the WS. Well maybe we need to WS to be further ashamed... we have taken our share of shame why the WS shouldn't? Maybe I need her to pass for that shame to get reassured, or because it may make me feel better... what ever... it is my choice to ask her to do that and her choice to do it or not... if she doesn't coop with that then we both know where we are... Everyone has their own reasons and needs, yours is to have sex outside of your marriage, ours is to get as much comfort as we can before we decide to move on... or not.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 How does the WS build trust "on" the BS when, by your definition, there is no level of conduct and no limit to the window where effort towards transparency and recommitment doesn't subject a WS to a polygraph years down the road over whether they did doggy style or missionary with their AP? Trust goes both ways and at some point the BS is going to have to judge based on the WS's conduct post-affair. The past cannot be changed. If the standard is always going to be that the WS "failed the trust test in the moment they cheated" - and the BS has every right to make that statement and conclusion - then divorce and move on with your life. Who would want to subject themselves - and their spouse if the do truly still love them - to this kind of living hell years after the affair? Makes no sense to me and, as I said before, I was a BS... Mr. Lucky Well said. There has to be a point where the decision is made to move on, regardless of what they may be. Hnaging it over the WS's head forever will not be productive. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 Well maybe we need to WS to be further ashamed... we have taken our share of shame why the WS shouldn't? Maybe I need her to pass for that shame to get reassured, or because it may make me feel better... what ever... it is my choice to ask her to do that and her choice to do it or not... if she doesn't coop with that then we both know where we are... Everyone has their own reasons and needs, yours is to have sex outside of your marriage, ours is to get as much comfort as we can before we decide to move on... or not.. Sure it is your right. I never said it wasn't. I just opined that if it has gotten to the point where you need a poly, perhaps your best option is just to move on and get a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
meandmyself Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 How does the WS build trust "on" the BS when, by your definition, there is no level of conduct and no limit to the window where effort towards transparency and recommitment doesn't subject a WS to a polygraph years down the road over whether they did doggy style or missionary with their AP? Trust goes both ways and at some point the BS is going to have to judge based on the WS's conduct post-affair. The past cannot be changed. If the standard is always going to be that the WS "failed the trust test in the moment they cheated" - and the BS has every right to make that statement and conclusion - then divorce and move on with your life. Who would want to subject themselves - and their spouse if the do truly still love them - to this kind of living hell years after the affair? Makes no sense to me and, as I said before, I was a BS... Mr. Lucky You were able to move on? Bravo! well done! Others can't , they need more reassurance, they need to feel they are in control, what ever they need... if the WS doesn't want to go to the poly is their choice, no one can force them but the BS is in his/her totally right to request that... and yes, it will NEVER be perfect again, it will NEVER be like it was, trust or the lack of trust will always be in the air because we already trusted once and were deceived... does that mean that we don't love our partners... that is bull****... I we would not love them we would not try to reconcile, it would be a easy exercise... it is because we love them that is so painful. This is not as easy as saying you cheated once and I decided to move on so you don't have to proof me every time that I can trust you again... and the past is forgotten... forgiving is one thing and forgetting a totally different one... I could forgive an affair but make no mistake I will never forget it happened... Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 OK, my 2 cents on this thread: If you're at the point in a broken relationship where you're even considering a polygraph, that's a sign that you have to move on. On your wedding day, did you ever imagine that a polygraph would one day be in the picture? Of course not. I would run like the wind if I found my relationship hanging in the balance over a darn polygraph. That's not a healthy relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
meandmyself Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 How does the WS build trust "on" the BS when, by your definition, there is no level of conduct and no limit to the window where effort towards transparency and recommitment doesn't subject a WS to a polygraph years down the road over whether they did doggy style or missionary with their AP? Trust goes both ways and at some point the BS is going to have to judge based on the WS's conduct post-affair. The past cannot be changed. If the standard is always going to be that the WS "failed the trust test in the moment they cheated" - and the BS has every right to make that statement and conclusion - then divorce and move on with your life. Who would want to subject themselves - and their spouse if the do truly still love them - to this kind of living hell years after the affair? Makes no sense to me and, as I said before, I was a BS... Mr. Lucky By the way I am very curious about this part... When you say "I was" you mean you are not anymore a BS? how did you manage to stop being a BS? Did your wife went to the pass and undid the deed? Once a BS you are always a BS, maybe now you are reconciled and happy and maybe forget about the problem helps you but make no mistake the betrayal was there... The point that I want to put across is that everyone takes their own route to healing... yours worked (I can see it for the "I was") that is great! Seriously I am very happy that it worked for you... but please give others the understanding when they take a different route. Link to post Share on other sites
meandmyself Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 OK, my 2 cents on this thread: If you're at the point in a broken relationship where you're even considering a polygraph, that's a sign that you have to move on. On your wedding day, did you ever imagine that a polygraph would one day be in the picture? Of course not. I would run like the wind if I found my relationship hanging in the balance over a darn polygraph. That's not a healthy relationship. In my wedding day I didn't picture my wife cheating either.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CantgetoveritNY Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 Well maybe we need to WS to be further ashamed... we have taken our share of shame why the WS shouldn't? Maybe I need her to pass for that shame to get reassured, or because it may make me feel better... what ever... it is my choice to ask her to do that and her choice to do it or not.. This sounds like revenge. I too want answers and the whole truth. But I'm not out for blood. As much as I am hurt by my WS's actions I don't want to see her suffering. I still care a lot for her. I don't know if I want to remain married to her but even if I don't I still would not want to see her suffer. But every A is different. If things had unfolded differently in my wife's A I might be out for blood. I might not still care for her. I don't know what your circumstances are so I'm not saying you should not be out for revenge. I'm just saying that is what it sounds like. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 So here's what I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around (and I'm a BS too): Your wife has fed you a bag of poop already by cheating. Then she's been lying, so you're fed more poop. BUT then you want to use a polygraph so you can eat a more pure variety of poop, rather than the poop you were eating previously. This time out, you can tell her "Ah, I really taste all the flavors now. Thank you for being 'honest'." I mean, c'mon. Somebody said in this thread (paraphrasing) that a BS commits to this polygraph idea so that he/she can make decisions based upon the whole truth. Well, I think the decision (at least for me) is made easier the minute I'm fed even one teaspoon of poop. I don't need to sit down to a whole darn buffet to make an informed decision. Link to post Share on other sites
meandmyself Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 So here's what I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around (and I'm a BS too): Your wife has fed you a bag of poop already by cheating. Then she's been lying, so you're fed more poop. BUT then you want to use a polygraph so you can eat a more pure variety of poop, rather than the poop you were eating previously. This time out, you can tell her "Ah, I really taste all the flavors now. Thank you for being 'honest'." I mean, c'mon. Somebody said in this thread (paraphrasing) that a BS commits to this polygraph idea so that he/she can make decisions based upon the whole truth. Well, I think the decision (at least for me) is made easier the minute I'm fed even one teaspoon of poop. I don't need to sit down to a whole darn buffet to make an informed decision. I am usually very agree with all the post you post but for once I disagree By your poop theory we all would end up dumping our WS's because as you say the first taste of poop was the cheating... I do realize many people prefer not to know, and it is not even about knowing the facts, is about knowing you are not being fed more poop.... Knowing that finally your WS is coming clean can help you to heal but having the doubt if that person is still lying to you could be more of what a person can have... In my case it would be more about knowing that she is being honest than about the details... but of course this is also only my 0.02 cents! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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