salparadise Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 [...] thanx to this POS, your wife has hooked up with. Not saying the dude isn't a scumbag, but it's ludicrous to direct the blame at him. There always will be multitudes of guys ready to have sex with an attractive woman, or unattractive for that matter, and none of them will give a flip as to her marital status. If it wasn't him it would've been whomever was #2 in the queue. It happened because she was open to it, allowed it to happen, wanted it to happen, and crossed several lines to facilitate it that are in conflict with marriage vows, common sense, and societal norms. Proof would certainly be a challenge, but if we're just talking about being able to sue somebody civilly, the standard of proof would only be "on a balance of probabilities", rather than "beyond a reasonable doubt". That would make it easier to prove, though certainly not a slam dunk. In my state it is a misdemeanor, which means it is a criminal offense. That's why the burden of proof is beyond reasonable doubt. And that's probably for the best. Can you imagine what the world would like, not to mention the court system, if everyone who thought their spouse smelled like fresh pussy or found a strange number in their pocket were able to sue for it, win a big judgement and leave the other one penniless? I agree with the trend of not making it the central issue on both practical and theoretical grounds that it's a relationship issue between the parties and not something that requires civil remedies or criminal prosecution. Just as half of all marriages end in divorce, about half of all married people have affairs at some point. It's not unusual behavior by any means, no matter how hurtful it may be to the other spouse. But again, hurt, offended, humiliated, etc. are relationship issues. In a similar vein, you can call a person awful names every day for years and it doesn't qualify as abuse. When a person cheats it's indicative of a relationship breakdown and/or a moral deficit and not something the law needs to be concerned with. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 I agree with the trend of not making it the central issue on both practical and theoretical grounds that it's a relationship issue between the parties and not something that requires civil remedies or criminal prosecution. Just as half of all marriages end in divorce, about half of all married people have affairs at some point. It's not unusual behavior by any means, no matter how hurtful it may be to the other spouse. But again, hurt, offended, humiliated, etc. are relationship issues. In a similar vein, you can call a person awful names every day for years and it doesn't qualify as abuse. When a person cheats it's indicative of a relationship breakdown and/or a moral deficit and not something the law needs to be concerned with. Now can at-fault liability be conditioned by the married parties in a prenup which supercedes state divorce laws? Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 I agree with the trend of not making it the central issue on both practical and theoretical grounds that it's a relationship issue between the parties and not something that requires civil remedies or criminal prosecution. Just as half of all marriages end in divorce, about half of all married people have affairs at some point. It's not unusual behavior by any means, no matter how hurtful it may be to the other spouse. But again, hurt, offended, humiliated, etc. are relationship issues. In a similar vein, you can call a person awful names every day for years and it doesn't qualify as abuse. When a person cheats it's indicative of a relationship breakdown and/or a moral deficit and not something the law needs to be concerned with. Words are not as harmful as actions. Physical cheating should be prosecuted the same as physical abuse... and with the same punishments attached. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted August 23, 2012 Share Posted August 23, 2012 I agree that Cal Boy's beef is with his wife----BUT----the lover in this situation, basically told Cal boy---to go F himself, when cal boy asked him to back off, and if not for cal boy, then for the wreckage to the life of cal boy's child---this lover is a homewrecker, and I sure as he*l wouldn't think twice about going after him, and he seserves to be sued. He purposely aided in the wreckage of this mge, and the destruction of this family---why not let him pay with some green back dollars---maybe if more civil actions were levied and prosecuted, there would be a little more thought about just going and ruining a perfectly good family unit, or a family unit that is trying to stay together---instead OM/OW, have free reign to do all the damage they want, and are only accountable in those states that have alienation statutes, or criminal conversation statues---well intentional infliction, also works, and it is available in all 50 states---let the da*n OM/OW also be held accountable Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 Cal Boy; update? Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 24, 2012 Share Posted August 24, 2012 Cal Boy; update? Sorry, but I don't think we're going to get an update. After the weekend, the dude clamed up! I think this is a dead thread. Link to post Share on other sites
strongnrelaxed Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 This has to be tough on you. New baby, new life. Men want to settle down at times like these. Unfortunately, your wife is playing you. The fact that you would even have to ask the question is mind boggling. I have seen a few posts from women encouraging you to trust her or let it go, etc. I see that you have three options. - First, you can leave now while you have your sanity. Remember- you have been warned by several men here who have experience with such things. Ignore this advice at your own risk. - Second, you can stay and suck it up. She has you by the b@lls and she knows it. If this guy leaves, she will find another guy to be "friends" with. She is just this way and you must have known this at some level. Now you have to live with it. - The third option is to let her go on the vacation. As soon as she gets back, tell her it is YOUR turn to go on a vacation. Tell her you are going to Vegas alone (or come to NY, and I will buy you a beer and introduce you to some beautiful new "friends" of your own). If she reacts negatively to this, then you know where you stand. Sorry buddy. You are now basically a cuckold. Link to post Share on other sites
jgregory4614 Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 I hope everything is going ok with cal boy. Thats a f***ed up situation for anyone. If it was me I would be sitting in prison right now. Cal boy your a strong person and i know this is a tough situation. Just keep your head up and burn that b**ch in court. She is a worthless douche bag. None of this is your fault. I hope all is well. Link to post Share on other sites
hurts_so_bad Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 (edited) So my wife and I have been together for about 2.5 years. We recently had a baby and she was quite the warrior and has battle through a lot. Now that the baby is quite a bit older (almost 1 year old), she was looking to go do something fun for a couple of days on a mini-vacation to San Francisco. I encouraged it as she always wanted to go there. I couldn't go with her as I would watch the baby as I don't think its ready to travel across the country (she agreed). It was all good until she said that she asked her male friend to go with her. This is a guy she met while doing yoga about 2 years ago. Although I am not close friends with him, my wife and him have grown really close since she had the baby. He is one of my wife's closest friends. They go out for coffee once in a while and he comes over a lot even when I am not around. I told my wife I am uncomfortable because he's single and really calls her a lot and they text more than she texts with me (but I obviously see her more). She told me they are just friends and its not different than a female friend. She seems really really close with him and justified him going to San Francisco with her because he also has never gone to California and they both had free time. I haven't said anything yet because I feel like my wife is looking forward to this trip and it would ruin it if I told her that I didn't trust him. What should I do because I am worried he will try something? P.S.: This is a really good looking guy and broke with girlfriend about 6 months ago. They grew really close especially after that. I think he loves her because he basically revolves around her. What benefit does a single male get from being friends with a married woman with a baby? He could have spent the time with her instead finding a new girl! wow that really sucks! how do you get over something like this? Im having tons of trouble with what happened with me and there is no comparison! my heart goes out to you cal boy even so your not posting anymore! Edited September 3, 2012 by hurts_so_bad Link to post Share on other sites
strongnrelaxed Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 Some of the advice you received here tells you to stop it or to not allow it in some way. I do not think you can actually stop her. And if you do, she will resent you and use it against you forever. This is clearly inappropriate. The only real options you have are: 1. Let it go. She will go and do what she does and you have to suck it up. This happens to men and women all the time and they just suck it up because they don't have the self-esteem or courage to walk away. 2. Let her go and you also go on vacation with an attractive woman. Have fun, do what you will and do not tell her the truth about anything. Everyone reading this knows damn well that your woman will not divulge the real truth of her activities, so have fun and rock out. Vegas is a great place for something like this. 3. Leave now before this all blows up. The ability for couples to let each other go on vacation is a privilege that comes from years of faithful marriage. To top it off, most people who would go on vacation without a spouse/partner would go with a same-sex friend. If they act a fool when they are gone, that is another issue. For her to blatantly go with another man is like a nuclear boundary test. If you just acquiesce to this, you will be the bottom dog for the rest of the relationship. Good luck, Link to post Share on other sites
Mint Sauce Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 I can totally relate. Being a modern, trusting partner, I let her go. I saw no reason not to: their friendship looked totally platonic, to everyone, and I was rather close with the guy. She came back having an affair and leaving me. Link to post Share on other sites
MuscleCarFan Posted September 3, 2012 Share Posted September 3, 2012 OP what is going on? Link to post Share on other sites
mtber75 Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 Its not just about trusting her. Its also about respecting your wishes. If you clearly told her that your not comfortable with this and she goes along with it, there no trust there. I say go with her and the baby to the trip! 1 year is not too young to bring to a vacation. Link to post Share on other sites
mtber75 Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 So I just called her male friend and asked if he'd be uncomfortable if I came along (she is already at his place). He said that he's fine and would love it if I joined them but then said that my wife tells him that I am making her uncomfortable by living her life the way she wants to. He then said that maybe its best if I didn't come along and stayed home for the sake of my wife and that we can all get together some other time. He was acting as if it's her wife ad that pissed me off. I told him that I didn't appreciate him spending so much time with my wife and that he should back off even if it's platonic. He replied that my wife is her own woman and can do anything she wants and that I should chill out and take up an interest. I shot back telling him that from now on, I forbid him from seeing my wife at which point my wife got on the line and told me to grow up before I hurt our relationship simply because she wants to spend time with her best friend. She then told me not to call his place or his cell and that my behaviour was making her friend angry. At that point, I asked her who she loved and she replied that I should never question her love. The male friend got back on the line and said for me to back off and let them enjoy the evening. He said that she's my wife but as as friend, he also has an obligation to make sure he doesn't get hurt or upset by a jerk. Your wife's friend is a jerk! The worst was his response, instead of agreeing with you he got offended because he sees you as competition (even though you are married to her). That's good that you manned up and confronted the guy. Link to post Share on other sites
mtber75 Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 About the notion if she wants to stay with her husband, because last I checked, he wasnt the one with the lady friend who is traveling cross country to go celebrate her birthday. I love it how people are making the husband out to be the villain. He made his concerns VERY well known now. Who gives a crap if he upset Mr. Yoga dude. The only reason Yoga dude is mad is that the husband is possibly cock blocking him. This would be totally funny if it wasn't REAL! The yoga dude totally got pissed because you cocked blocked him from getting with your wife....WHAT! Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted September 8, 2012 Share Posted September 8, 2012 Hmm. I hate to see this thread stopped. Would anyone like to guess what actually happened? Link to post Share on other sites
wheream_i Posted September 8, 2012 Share Posted September 8, 2012 Yeah, I don't f*cking think so. Time to be the man of house and put your foot down. Don't even bring up the fact, "how would you like if I did the same thing"? Trust me, she will respect that authority. You think she's going to respect you if you let her go? Jeez, why are men such pushovers in relationships? Link to post Share on other sites
BewitchedandBothered Posted September 8, 2012 Share Posted September 8, 2012 You were told to back off and let them enjoy their evening??? You are being treated like a father who is waiting for his daughter to come home from her date. You are being disrespected. It is not about controlling your wife. She is disrespecting you and your marriage and went over the boundaries. The whole thing sounds fishy to me. Are they sharing a room? I suppose she will tell you that she can sleep in the same bed with him, but nothing is going on. I feel just sick to my stomach for you, OP. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted September 8, 2012 Share Posted September 8, 2012 ZOMBIE THREAD, ZOMBIE THREAD, ZOMBIE THREAD There - now does anyone get that the OP departed some time ago and to give advice or ask questions is pointless? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted September 8, 2012 Share Posted September 8, 2012 What I love about the Americans is their post analysis. This thread has come up the same way in different forms. A spouse does not recognize the need for dedicated intimacy in the marriage. This is the thin end of the wedge. Could we have given this man better advice at the beginning of the thread? Maybe...! Sure this is a Zombie thread. How will it help us advise the next casualty? I believe that this man may have the best legal backing but it will not save his marriage. ps. Thanks CarrieT, I guess I learned a new word... Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 OP has left the building. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 OP has left the building. No way! Do you have proof of this? Link to post Share on other sites
johnnysawyer Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 (edited) your situation may be quite confusing for you,but think like a third person,what would a person would think of the relationship between your wife and her so called friend,for example,i would think theres something fishy.so do your own investigation like reading her texts,checking her mail,this gives you some clarity about the situation. but in the present situation,i woul give you two probable situations 1.your wife may be good and might not have any kind of wrong feelings towards this guy,shes not cheating.but this guy wants to take advantage of your wifes friendship and covert it it into some kinda relationship.u can trust ur wife,but u cant trust a guy.guys nver think clen about women,come we are guys we know that,we wont waste that much time on married mother just for frndship. 2.the second theory,is ur worst fear come true,ur wife and her friend are talking u for a douchebag,misusing ur trust,and are in a relationship but my serious and only advice is stop imagining and doing assumptions,go out,be smart and do some serious investigation,check her texts,mail.everything,know the truth sorry for the spelling mistakes.i just woke up and feeling dizzy and the next thing she might tell you,she is sleeping with him in the same bed and theres nothing,and blah blah.dont turst anyone toooo blindly,ur wife is a goddamn human being like everyone,we humans cheat,and one can only cheat when the person trusts you Edited September 13, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 So I just called her male friend and asked if he'd be uncomfortable if I came along (she is already at his place). He said that he's fine and would love it if I joined them but then said that my wife tells him that I am making her uncomfortable by living her life the way she wants to. He then said that maybe its best if I didn't come along and stayed home for the sake of my wife and that we can all get together some other time. He was acting as if it's her wife ad that pissed me off. Well I have little reason to think its his child as he is African American and we are white. Glad you are preparing to divorce this skank. She wants to be alone with him, he wants to be alone with her. The words above say it all. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 Folks! I don't know why people are still posting here!!! The dude hasn't been back here for weeks and he indicated that he wasn't going to devulge what's going on in a forum.. This is a dead thread. Dude isn't coming back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts