Wife wants to go on mini-vacation with male friend

[USMCHokie]

So you know she is going to go on this trip without you. We have established that. What are you going to do about it ? How many other boundaries is she going to cross before she disrespects this marriage any further.

 

Start getting your ducks in a row now. Talk to an attorney. Let her go on this trip. When she comes back, have her stuff neatly packed on the door step. Kick her out. Tell her family what is going on. She already is capable of playing the victim here and even got her "Yoga Friend" to do the same.

 

This is not about being controlling, it is about boundaries and respect, two things your wife lacks. You need to show her you are serious about this and not some pushover. When she goes on this trip I guarantee you will not hear from her. The question is, what are you going to do about it ?

 

Be careful, there's a difference between making preparations and going on the offense. Don't touch her sh*t...yet...she has much entitlement to the house as he does, depending on the circumstances...

[Madman81]

OP, here's what I'd say to your wife if I were you.

 

"You're right, I don't have the right to control you or tell you who you can or can't be friends with. But I have he absolute right to decide what kind of people I want in MY life. And unfortunately, there is no room in my life for a supposed life partner who would so blatantly disrespect my feelings and head off for a private weekend with another man. Maybe some guys are okay with that, but I'm not one of them.

 

"So, you go on this trip with him if you want. But if you go, you won't find me waiting for you to return, because this marriage will be over.

 

"You know where I stand. Now it's up to you."

 

Stand up, and walk out of the room. If she doesn't come to you within 24 hours to tell you she's not going, start getting your affairs in order, and start protecting your assets. See a lawyer immediately.

 

And most importantly, STAND YOUR GROUND. Follow through. Don't let her call your bluff.

Edited August 16, 2012 by Madman81

[KraftDinner]

OP, here's what I'd say to your wife if I were you.

 

"You're right, I don't have the right to control you or tell you who you can or can't be friends with. But I have he absolute right to decide what kind of people I want in MY life. And unfortunately, there is no room in my life for a supposed life partner who would so blatantly disrespect my feelings and head off for a private weekend with another man. Maybe some guys are okay with that, but I'm not one of them.

 

"So, you go on this trip with him if you want. But if you go, you won't find me waiting for you to return, because this marriage will be over.

 

"You know where I stand. Now it's up to you."

 

Stand up, and walk out of the room. If she doesn't come to you within 24 hours to tell you she's not going, start getting your affairs in order, and start protecting your assets. See a lawyer immediately.

 

And most importantly, STAND YOUR GROUND. Follow through. Don't let her call your bluff.

 

I agree totally. Except -- do NOT do this if you aren't fully prepared to follow through 100 per cent.

[Star Gazer]

I certainly don't know all that much about divorce law, but a civil suit should be able to reveal all correspondence between her and the other guy through the discovery process...

 

If they live in a no-fault state, he won't be entitled to that information even through discovery.

[Star Gazer]

OP: If I was in your shoes, and my SO (we're not even married yet) wanted to take a romantic trip across the country with a member of the opposite sex, and then behaved the way your wife did when I expressed that I either didn't want him to go or wanted to go with them, he would have found every single last shred of his belongings on my front lawn.

 

This woman has not one ounce of respect for you or your marriage.

[fyrefox]

Spy on her. if she's communicating via facebook, get a keylogger for her computer. if it's by phone, check her text messages (you can get back deleted text messages using special software) also, if she goes on the trip without you, hire a private investigator and have her followed during her trip. I don't believe their relationship is appropriate, but if you gather hard evidence which supports why you feel uncomfortable, it will put you in a much stronger position. Although a married woman going on a vacation with a single man who isn't her husband and leaving said husband home with her baby is already ridiculous.

[Leigh 87]

I only read a few posts..... But damn....!

 

Your wife is NOT being a good partner. EVEN if she DOES think going on this trip with a close male friend is " right", she should STILL take YOUR feelings into account!!!!!!!!!!

She is NOT a loving and caring women! NOT towards you at least! She is acting like she cares MORE about her best mate, than she does you.

 

 

Here is the thing about PROPPER, adult, LOVING relationships; your partner ALWAYS comes first, before ANY " best friend". I cannot IMAGINE telling my partner to shove his insecurities up his @ss, to have NO regard for his feelings, and then to inform him that your going over to " the guys" guys for dinner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

........ Even if she thought you were worried over nothing, she should STILL have listened and considered YOUR feelings; because YOUR feelings are supposed to be what matters most to her.

 

Your own wife is not putting you first. You cannot let this slide. Regardless of how much you love one another, your long term future will NEVER be a good, happy one, if she does not ADDRESS and then RESOLVE this issue first.....

 

TO be happy with your wife, you have to tell her that she HAS to WANT to put YOU before her " best friends".. Tell her that you need a partner who wants to put YOUR feelings before their best friends feelings...

Loving you is not enough! In a healthy relationship that is happy and fileld with alot of love, and one that is sustainable in the long run - YOU HAVE to put each other first!

 

You feeling uncomfrotable about the trip, which by the way, a LOT of husbands would, should have been enough for her to say " okay babe, I do not agree with your theory and reasoning, but I love you, and you come first, so I will HAPPILY not go on this trip."

 

She does not appear to care about YOUR feelings much; instead, she cares more about her own fun, and her best friend than she does you. At least that is how she is acting. Tell her if she trul DOES care about you far more than she does her "best friend", then she needs to show it, by cancelling the trip. Or, allowing you to go with them.

 

 

 

 

The second issue to address, after the first and most important thing to highlight ( that your wife is simply not treating you well enough), is the issue over what this guys intentions are, and what the situation could become there ( the risks, etc).

 

Male and females can be friends, in some cases; likewise, some couples allow for opposite friends, where as others don't. MOst couples have a middle ground; that it is fine for their wives to have male friends, even good male friends, so long as they do not text or call them exessively, and as long as they do not go on trips together, or get too close.

 

A close male friend for a women is great; too close though, is innapropriate. The BEST male friend should be their husband, no guy should come close to how close you two are. I have a good male friend, but I am not as honest, and do not reveal as much of myself to my good male friends, as I do with my BEST friend ( which happens to be my boyfriend)

 

It sounds confusing; Close ca be okay but not too close; male friends okay or not okay..

The important thing here is that you sound like a guy who would be totally comfortable with your wife having male friends! But within reason!

You do NOT SOUND controlling or jealous! Jealous is when a male collegue or friend drops her home after work/or an event as a favour to her, and the husband or partner gets angry over the fact his wife or partner even SOCIALIZED with a guy, who later took her home...

[Leigh 87]

I really want you to listen to my posts, as I have a REALLy strong idea of how you should be treated in a relationship, and I really want you to know about this...

 

I REALLY want you to recognise that it is NOT acceptable that she is putting HIS feelings over yours, and that telling ou she loves you id not enough, if her actions do not match her words. I am reading this etire thread, I am baffled by the way she is treating you!

[Leigh 87]

OP: If I was in your shoes, and my SO (we're not even married yet) wanted to take a romantic trip across the country with a member of the opposite sex, and then behaved the way your wife did when I expressed that I either didn't want him to go or wanted to go with them, he would have found every single last shred of his belongings on my front lawn.

 

This woman has not one ounce of respect for you or your marriage.

 

 

 

 

I second this^^^, quite literally. Stuff of his thrown on the street or in the dumpster. Would not even give him a chance to explain himself; he would have to beg and plead and force entry into my house or harrass me at school, to show how he really loved me, and agreed that he SHOULD in fact, consider my feelings before ANY " friend" of his.....

 

I know you have a baby together, and you probably do love each other, so it not easy to just "walk away" from your marriage; not without talking it through and making sure there is NO hope left.

 

At this stage, you need her to figure out where her priorities are; with YOU, her husband, or HIM, her " best friend".... If she genuinely loves you far more deaply than she does her " friend", tell her she has to show it to you, through the way she acts, otherwise it means nothing ( her words and intentions mean nothing if she does not honour them through her actions).

 

Look, she MIGHT really love you so much, that she feels she can do anything she wants with the opposite sex; this could be the case, and it is time for her to step up and show it. If she does genuinely love you, in the strongest way you can love a person in a romantic relaitonship.

 

Either she loves you a great deal, enough to change the way she acts; or she likes/ loves you more platonically, but not in the " in love" deap, romantic sense... ( in other words NOT ENOUGH) to value what she has with YOU, over her relationship with her " best friend..."

[MuscleCarFan]

Why would anyone want to drag a 1 year old baby to a city they want to explore for the weekend?

 

I sure wouldn't. Then it becomes ALL about taking care of a baby, constantly having to change it and feed it and entertain it and worry about dragging the stroller everywhere you go, the crying, the fussing, and on and on and.

 

Jeez, stop trying to force her to drag the baby with her.

 

Her friend sounds gay.

 

If you read more of the posts, the other guy had a girlfriend before so he obviously is NOT gay.

[GLDheart]

Op,

 

Here's a crazy thought: If it meant keeping the family together, Would you accept her having this guy sleep over in your bedroom while you spent the night on the couch? To me, them sneeking off on a lovely vacation together is the same damn thing. SCREW THAT.

 

You need to understand that your marriage is about to be over. She is forcing your hand. DO NOT GET ANGRY. DO NOT GET PHYSICAL. Everything you do now will be put under the microscope by outside people. It is now all about you and your child.

 

No Ulitmatums. No Bluffs. No More talking. It's clear she doesn't respect you. It's time to start the Divorce proceedings. Do not talk to your wife. She is conspiring against you and IS NOT YOUR PARTNER ANYMORE. Bring all of your evidence to the lawyer. She is abandoning you and your child to go play around with her new friend. The courts will not look kindly on her behavior but IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO PLAY SAINT AND MARTYR. You are the good Dad and Family man betrayed by a scandalous wife.

 

My gut instinct and life experience tell me that she has a head start on you here pal. Time to get a move on. She is ready for war... are you??

 

Hey... If you're wrong, She will "prove it to the world" by begging for you to reconsider your "mistake". She will then respect that you are a man with a back bone. A Man that will stand up for himself, his marriage, and most all the family unit of his child.

[StarsOnFire]

First, wouldn't you WANT to go on a vacation with your SPOUSE? Why would this even be planned as her going alone or with a friend, if there was the option of grandparents babysitting? Before this situation got out of control with you calling the other guy, you should've came to her excitedly and said you'd be able to join her on the trip! Now it's a huge mess, with would've, should've, could'ves.

 

Since you can't change the past, I would advise you taking the time to sit and have a rational talk with your wife. Cool down and take the time to explain to her, calmly and not accusingly how you feel. Her reaction can help you see where you stand in your relationship. If she tries to see your side, returns the calmness and rationality and works to make you feel more comfortable, then good. If not, take a step back and decide what YOU need in a relationship and if she's giving it to you.

 

I think especially with a baby in the mix, couples take each other for granted. Obviously she's enjoying her friends attention, but maybe she doesn't realize how much of her energy she's giving HIM instead of YOU. And also look at yourself, are you showing her attention as well?

 

Perhaps a marriage counselor can shed more light onto this situation, a different perspective is always good to get.

 

Good luck!

[Dusk1983]

The marriage is gone, the only thing you can save now is your self respect.

[nofool4u]

So my wife and I have been together for about 2.5 years. We recently had a baby and she was quite the warrior and has battle through a lot. Now that the baby is quite a bit older (almost 1 year old), she was looking to go do something fun for a couple of days on a mini-vacation to San Francisco. I encouraged it as she always wanted to go there. I couldn't go with her as I would watch the baby as I don't think its ready to travel across the country (she agreed).

 

It was all good until she said that she asked her male friend to go with her.

 

Absolutely not. Unacceptable and it shouldn't even be up for debate.

 

If she wants to take a mini vacation, then she can wait until you can go.

 

 

She told me they are just friends and its not different than a female friend.

 

Bullsh** and onions. Nothing wrong with friends of the opposite sex, but going on a vacation alone? You'd be a fool to be ok with that.

 

 

She seems really really close with him and justified him going to San Francisco with her because he also has never gone to California and they both had free time. I haven't said anything yet because I feel like my wife is looking forward to this trip and it would ruin it if I told her that I didn't trust him. What should I do because I am worried he will try something?

 

Its not him trying something that is the problem. Its your wife's train of thought that this should be an acceptable arrangement.

 

If I was married and my wife couldn't go on a trip, I'd wait until she could. Life is full of disappointments and she can join the F'n club.

 

 

P.S.: This is a really good looking guy and broke with girlfriend about 6 months ago. They grew really close especially after that. I think he loves her because he basically revolves around her. What benefit does a single male get from being friends with a married woman with a baby? He could have spent the time with her instead finding a new girl!

 

Then I suspect your wife is already unfaithful, at the very least emotionally.

 

She knows what she is doing, wanting to go on a trip with a good looking guy that hangs around her all too much. Sorry, but this was suppose to be a getaway as "a couple". So the fact that you can't go should have spurred her to wait until you can.

 

But she doesn't want to do that. She wants to go anyway, and with another man no less, while you stay home with the baby. How selfish can she be?

 

This situation should not be accepted by you. Its inappropriate and disrespectful to you. How can she even think about this when she knows you will be home not getting to have a vacation too? Your wife sounds VERY selfish.

[nofool4u]

Well I feel like I will confront her again about him but elaborating on what I said in opening post was that she said it was just a friend. I actually told her I was uncomfortable and although I trusted her, I felt like men and women can't be close, close friends and not have some sexual tension unless they are relatives or one is older than the other. She broke down a bit and said I was trying to take a friend from her and that was not what spouses do to each other.

 

 

Oh ya, she plans on shagging him. Anyone in their right mind, your wife included, should be able to see that this planned trip with a male friend isn't appropriate.

 

So she is trying to make this into you stopping her from being friends with this guy. Its not. Its you not being comfortable that she will be going far away in a hotel room with another man.

 

She is trying to guilt you. I think she is already cheating on you in one way or another.

 

I even tried to ask if she would feel different if I had such a close friend with a single female and she said, "Go right ahead, I trust you. That's what marriage is all about!"

 

Ya, she says this because of 2 things. 1, she is calling your bluff, and 2, it gives her all the more reason to shag this guy.

 

Oh and a 3rd reason, because as long as she gets to do the horizontal mambo with another man, she might not care if you get some on the side too.

 

 

I made a disgusted face when she said she asked this male friend to fly to San Francisco with her and spend a long weekend. But she didn't bite and didn't even ask my permission. She said it would be fun.

 

Sure, for her and him, while you get to stay home and watch the baby so she can be free to do whatever she wants with this guy.

 

 

Only when I asked her if they'd be in separate bedrooms, she said, "Of course, we're only friends.

 

I thought she said it wouldn't be any different than taking a female friend who usually do get the same rooms to save on money.

 

So see, the fact that she says this, she is unconsciously acknowledging that it is inappropriate.

 

 

We've already had this conversation. End of discussion!"

 

Wow, she really cares about your feelings doesn't she.

 

Tell her, "well, I'm not going to stop you, but its obvious you don't care about my feelings on the matter, otherwise you could have asked one of your girlfriends to go with you. So do what you want, we'll deal with whether this marriage will survive when you get back."

[Chi townD]

I agree with everyone else. Tell her that she can go on her getaway weekend trip with the OM, but the moment she walks out that door, don't come back. The marriage is over because she values her "friendship" with this guy more than her marriage, her family and you! Do not make this and idle threat. See a lawyer and get the ball rolling. If the prospect of divorce is scaring you. Remember, you can stop it anytime. But, this lets her know you are serious. If she walks out, you go to the hardware store and change the locks on the house. Pack up her **** and be prepared to take them to her folks.

 

If she still leaves for her trip with him, wait until you KNOW they've arrived. THEN BLOW IT UP!!!! Call everyone and inform them that you are getting a divorce because your wife went on a romantic weekend getaway with other man. Tell all of your friends. Tell your family. Tell her parents and tell her brothers and sisters, grandparents....EVERYONE!!!!

 

Her phone will light up like a christmas tree and she won't be able to enjoy her weekend fielding calls from people asking "What the f*ck are you doing? Are you stupid?!?!?"

 

Then, she will, in turn, blow up your phone! Ignore it all! And trust me she's going to leave a lot of hateful messages. Like, "We were just friends until you pulled this crap. But now, now I'm going to sleep with him tonight. Congrats!" If she sends you stuff like this, ignore it and forward the voicemails to her folks.

[Chi townD]

Well I just talked to my wife. I said I'd like to join but she said that my jealousy would ruin their trip as it was like a big birthday present to her best friend (next to me). I said that it was wrong for her to go away to a romantic city with a single guy but she said that she'd never ever try anything and what her and her friend have is just a platonic relationship. I asked of he's ever tried anything, and she said that it wouldn't matter even if he did, as she's married with another guy. It's like she is seriously attached to this guy and she had an answer for everything.

 

 

That's would be a yes. He has tried something with her and probably succeeded. Because she sure as hell didn't say no. And she goes to his place alone...the two of them...and nothing is happening,,,, okay.....I have ocean front property in the Mojave desert to sell you too!

[Chi townD]

Oh! and another thing. If you do expose while they're gone. There's a chance you might get a call from lover-boy. Let it go to voicemail. If he threatens to kick your ass or kill you when he gets back; then he just shot himself in the foot. If the wife states that she's going to have him kick your ass; then, she shot herself in the foot.

 

A lot of states have anti-recording laws which state that you can't record someone without their knowledge. If they leave a message, they KNOW they're being recorded. So, it's inside the framework of the law. Save the threatening recording and take it to the police station for them to hear. Explain the situation and state that OM is huge and you have a fear for your life and you need an order of protection. That will mean that he can't be around you or your kid or your home. Making her affair with him extrememly difficult because, the kid can be around him.

[Almond_Joy]

A lot of states have anti-recording laws which state that you can't record someone without their knowledge. If they leave a message, they KNOW they're being recorded. So, it's inside the framework of the law.

 

Cali's an anti-recording law state, and I never thought of this. It's genius. Yay loopholes!

[twosadthings]

California Boy,

 

You no longer have a wife you've been replaced and not recently.

[Garfish]

Op,

 

Here's a crazy thought: If it meant keeping the family together, Would you accept her having this guy sleep over in your bedroom while you spent the night on the couch? To me, them sneeking off on a lovely vacation together is the same damn thing. SCREW THAT.

 

You need to understand that your marriage is about to be over. She is forcing your hand. DO NOT GET ANGRY. DO NOT GET PHYSICAL. Everything you do now will be put under the microscope by outside people. It is now all about you and your child.

 

No Ulitmatums. No Bluffs. No More talking. It's clear she doesn't respect you. It's time to start the Divorce proceedings. Do not talk to your wife. She is conspiring against you and IS NOT YOUR PARTNER ANYMORE. Bring all of your evidence to the lawyer. She is abandoning you and your child to go play around with her new friend. The courts will not look kindly on her behavior but IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO PLAY SAINT AND MARTYR. You are the good Dad and Family man betrayed by a scandalous wife.

 

My gut instinct and life experience tell me that she has a head start on you here pal. Time to get a move on. She is ready for war... are you??

 

Excellent post. The OP should beware because she's probably already contacted a divorce lawyer and she might also try to press false accusations against him (such as domestic violence). She has no love or trust in her husband and is no longer attracted to him. IT IS SO OBVIOUS!!!

[FryFish]

I want an update...

[ascendotum]

I'm fairly tolerant with freedom for any woman in my life and am happy for her to have a life of her own, but reading this story I'd flip over it. I'd be reading a lot more into the nature of their relationship and I'd be ****ing furious to be made out to be the bad guy in this 'fun' holiday away with her new hot & hunky single friend, who likey has tried it on with her, from her comment back to you.

 

Lots of great posts. I agree with Madman's ultimation suggestion and also those that suggested you clue her parents up as to her behaviour, and let them know a divorce is likely looming. I just got a feeling this is going to end up in flames.

Edited August 17, 2012 by ascendotum

[Radu]

You have behaved like a welcome mat so far :

- your wife is going off on a vacation with a single male friend while you watch the baby

- your wife is visiting said friend at his home to eat dinner

- your wife IS TAKING A TRIP WHEN HER BABY IS SICK ?????

- your wife wants you to apologize to this guy

- this guy dictates that your wife should go on a holiday with him

- etc ...

 

I hope you regain your balls, because without them this marriage is over.

Weather they had sex or not is not important [it would be better if they had because PA can leave around more evidence], your wife is already cuckholding you.

[road]

California Boy,

 

You no longer have a wife you've been replaced and not recently.

 

Time for a paternity test.