Wife wants to go on mini-vacation with male friend

[CaliforniaBoy]

So she just texted me, "Apologize to me and XXXX. He is very upset at you and you have no right to forbid him or me to be friends!"

 

I think things are crumbling. I love her to death and she's been with me for 5 years (2.5 year gf, 2.5 year marriage). She was deeply religious and was a virgin before meeting me. However this guy basically owns and controls her now. He seems like a player but she always tells me not to talk about him that way because he is a sweet person.

 

I guess i need to look into my options. Hopefully this is just a phase. We can work through it regardless of what's going on but of she loves him (especially of its more than me) I guess I need to end it. Its part my fault as I am so busy with my career (completing MBA at same time) and I just don't have time to look like her male friend who looks like a model.

[CaliforniaBoy]

Something just occurred to me.

 

You say your wife met this guy at yoga about two years ago. Your child is nearly a year old, i.e. was conceived nine months earlier. About three months after your wife and this guy first met. And she's been spending much more time with him since the baby was born, especially when you're not there.

 

Do you have any reason to think the child isn't yours?

 

Sorry to even bring this up, but Jesus...

 

Well I have little reason to think its his child as he is African American and we are white.

[Keke1]

So she just texted me, "Apologize to me and XXXX. He is very upset at you and you have no right to forbid him or me to be friends!"

 

I think things are crumbling. I love her to death and she's been with me for 5 years (2.5 year gf, 2.5 year marriage). She was deeply religious and was a virgin before meeting me. However this guy basically owns and controls her now. He seems like a player but she always tells me not to talk about him that way because he is a sweet person.

 

I guess i need to look into my options. Hopefully this is just a phase. We can work through it regardless of what's going on but of she loves him (especially of its more than me) I guess I need to end it. Its part my fault as I am so busy with my career (completing MBA at same time) and I just don't have time to look like her male friend who looks like a model.

 

Its not about looks at all. Respect is & there is none.

[Nukulus]

Well, I would apologize. At this point be the bigger man, and realize you came off as jealous and controlling.

 

 

However, I would also tell your wife something along these lines (when you two are speaking alone)-"I understand he is your best friend, and I also understand that I have no right to tell you who you can hang out with. However, the fact that you completely disregard my feelings of discomfort with this situation is disappointing. Marriage is a partnership, and when I tried to meet you in the middle (tagging along with them) and get to know this guy better you shot me down."

 

Look as a guy with quite a few female friends- Unless he's gay and/or doesn't find your wife attractive at all there will be potential for trouble. Even if neither one of them has any intention of anything happening, the right recipe of atmosphere, drinks, etc can be disaster.

 

I'm not sure what I'd do in this situation. You were 100% wrong trying to tell her who she can hang out with and what not. However, she is 100% wrong in putting this guy before your marriage. Good Luck, and keep us posted.

[2sure]

If it is within your power to Cancel her credit cards , cell phone, and reservations do so.

 

Explain to your religious wife's parents the reason you are doing so.

 

Text the OM and tell him that you have no intention of allowing him to continue with your wife this way.

 

When he texts you back anything threatening , save it.

[CaliforniaBoy]

I would march over there and beat this guy but I can't simply because he's much bigger than me and literally is very physically intimidating. When my wife first said he made friends with a guy at yoga, I expected a girly guy and not this monster.

[MuscleCarFan]

So I just called her male friend and asked if he'd be uncomfortable if I came along (she is already at his place). He said that he's fine and would love it if I joined them but then said that my wife tells him that I am making her uncomfortable by living her life the way she wants to. He then said that maybe its best if I didn't come along and stayed home for the sake of my wife and that we can all get together some other time.

 

He was acting as if it's her wife ad that pissed me off. I told him that I didn't appreciate him spending so much time with my wife and that he should back off even if it's platonic. He replied that my wife is her own woman and can do anything she wants and that I should chill out and take up an interest. I shot back telling him that from now on, I forbid him from seeing my wife at which point my wife got on the line and told me to grow up before I hurt our relationship simply because she wants to spend time with her best friend. She then told me not to call his place or his cell and that my behaviour was making her friend angry.

 

At that point, I asked her who she loved and she replied that I should never question her love. The male friend got back on the line and said for me to back off and let them enjoy the evening. He said that she's my wife but as as friend, he also has an obligation to make sure he doesn't get hurt or upset by a jerk.

 

Wow, talk about a lack of respect on your wife's part.

[Keke1]

I would march over there and beat this guy but I can't simply because he's much bigger than me and literally is very physically intimidating. When my wife first said he made friends with a guy at yoga, I expected a girly guy and not this monster.

 

It would be the wrong move anyway. Your problems are strictly with your wife. He will only do what she allows. This has already gotten way out of control.

[FryFish]

Jesus Christ!!!! Divorce this bitch... She DOESNT LOVE YOU! SHE DOESNT RESPECT YOU! SHE DOESNT RESPECT YOUR MARRIAGE!

 

She has been ****ing this guy... no doubt.

 

It really is ultimatum time... Him OR you... Not both.

[demrea]

wow, i am pretty liberal with my relationship but even this would be too much for me.

 

sorry, my wife is not going anywhere for a holiday with another man, never mind a cool romantic place like San Fran.

 

how is this even a question?

[CarrieT]

I guess i need to look into my options. Hopefully this is just a phase. We can work through it regardless of what's going on but of she loves him (especially of its more than me) I guess I need to end it.

 

What is your relationship with her family? Sounds like it might be time for some form of intervention as she has crossed boundaries and not thinking clearly.

 

Having a ton of male friends, I am one who knows boundaries within those relationships - especially in relationship to my partner - and it is obvious your wife does not.

 

I don't believe you can make her see that her actions are inappropriate but if you expose her actions to others in her family that are close to her, perhaps she will see how badly she has been treating you.

[Keke1]

wow, i am pretty liberal with my relationship but even this would be too much for me.

 

sorry, my wife is not going anywhere for a holiday with another man, never mind a cool romantic place like San Fran.

 

how is this even a question?

 

What about TRUST????????

[USMCHokie]

Explain to your religious wife's parents the reason you are doing so.

 

This is the single most effective thing you can do. Don't waste time with the other guy.

 

And get a lawyer.

[demrea]

What about TRUST????????

 

you are asking why i wouldnt trust my wife to go on a vacation with a single guy? after the last exchange the OP had with this guy and his wife?

 

colour me confused.

[Keke1]

you are asking why i wouldnt trust my wife to go on a vacation with a single guy? after the last exchange the OP had with this guy and his wife?

 

colour me confused.

 

It started off as friends between man and woman. If like some of you say you should trust what she says then why wouldn't you believe everything she is saying? End of Discussion

[Almond_Joy]

Wow.

 

Your wife fought WAY too hard to make this vacation an intimate trip with her and her male "friend" from the start.

 

There was no reason for her to get defensive (i.e. the "end of discussion!" response when you first asked her about the trip) if her intentions were honest.

 

I'm closer to men then women in general, but there are boundaries that need to be established and respected by both parties in a romantic relationship. Your wife has obliviously trampled all over them. Even if my bf wasn't my closest friend, I wouldn't even conceive going on a vacation alone with another - SINGLE! - man, friend or otherwise. That's just inappropriate any way you look at it.

 

I'm so angry for you! Don't let her treat you like this. Even if she is going through something and needs the time away, it doesn't give her the right to essentially tell you "F*** off" while she completely disregards that she's in a MONOGAMOUS ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP with you.

 

And she had the nads to tell YOU to apologize?! Un-frickin-believable!

 

She is trying to make you out to be the bad guy, which you are not in this situation by any stretch of the imagination based on what you've shared here. You have every right to be concerned and to not want this trip to happen. If she cares at all about your marriage she wouldn't go on this trip. So disrespectful.

 

That single male friend of hers would do well to get out of the picture so you both can focus of your marriage too.

[Keke1]

Why the hell should he apologize? Because he interrupted their potential blossoming affair and potentially put a damper on a future of infidelity?

 

Who cares how he looks ? He is the one who will look like a fool if he just sits bad idly and lets her do what she wants with no boundaries. He will be viewed as a doormat.

 

The balls of her texting him to apologize. He did nothing wrong. All I see here is a bunch of gas lighting and pissed off people that a husband is upset about his wife going across country with another man.

 

He shouldnt apologize & like you said the balls or tits on this bitch. She is married FFS. He has 2 deal with her though not the dude. This will happen again if he lets her skate.

[USMCHokie]

What about TRUST????????

 

This is not about whether the other guy is running train on her. It's about her reaction to OP's concerns. THAT is what is most disconcerting about all of this. The other dude could be a eunuch for all I care, but her reaction does nothing but raise suspicions of her true relationship with him. The fact that she throws the trust card so vehemently back at OP shows just how much she's projecting her own lack of trustworthiness.

 

Like I said before, OP absolutely has to get his in-laws involved in this.

[USMCHokie]

That single male friend of hers would do well to get out of the picture so you both can focus of your marriage too.

 

The mere fact that the other guy is so adamantly "defending" OP's wife and their tryst strongly implies that there is more than mere friendship.

 

For gawdsakes, lawyer up...

[Keke1]

This is not about whether the other guy is running train on her. It's about her reaction to OP's concerns. THAT is what is most disconcerting about all of this. The other dude could be a eunuch for all I care, but her reaction does nothing but raise suspicions of her true relationship with him. The fact that she throws the trust card so vehemently back at OP shows just how much she's projecting her own lack of trustworthiness.

 

Like I said before, OP absolutely has to get his in-laws involved in this.

 

Lines have definitely been crossed. This started way before this trip though. We are getting the tail end of it. I dont think there is anything he can do now.

[Almond_Joy]

So I just called her male friend and asked if he'd be uncomfortable if I came along (she is already at his place).

 

 

^^^^WTF?!

 

Do you see what you did here? You essentially asked a single man permission for you to go on a vacation with him and YOUR wife.

 

Not at all surprised now that he was talkin' s*** for the rest of the phone call.

 

You've given your wife and this man veto power over anything you want - specifically showing you a modicum of respect as her husband - and they know it.

 

I don't know what to recommend for this problem - I have never let anyone disrespect me like this and stay in my life - but I hope you figure out something if you decide you wanna stay with this woman. This s*** cannot continue to fly.

[KraftDinner]

This **** is unbelievable. This crosses the line from disrespect into mental cruelty.

 

The fact she thinks YOU should apologize....holy Christ. Wtf.

 

I would personally suspect they haven't fooled around - YET. I think your wife is using this whole situation to find an excuse to make you the villain. Oh, he's so evil, poor me, he wants to control me. She'll probably use this as an excuse to justify her getting closer to him (probably sexually).

[sally4sara]

So the mutual household funds are going to a trip you're not ALLOWED to go on to a city they don't effing own and the totally platonic friend has told you what action you should take about this? Cancel the damn ticket on her; there will be a fee but its a better outcome than this. Begin making record of her correspondence and, even if it requires outside help, get down to exactly how intimate they've become.

 

Mind you, not because you need to prove the infidelity so much as you will need proof of it you can show in court. I assure you the infidelity is there. No other situation would have your damn spouse letting someone not on that marriage license the two of you share and who has no say in your shared finances telling you what will get purchased for what trip and who will be allowed to go or not.

 

And I'd take the kid and go to her parents house till this gets sorted one way or the other. You're the father of their grandkid and it will matter more to them than Yoga Guy's "friendship" with their daughter. That will fix her little ass.

[USMCHokie]

Mind you, not because you need to prove the infidelity so much as you will need proof of it you can show in court. I assure you the infidelity is there. No other situation would have your damn spouse letting someone not on that marriage license the two of you share and who has no say in your shared finances telling you what will get purchased for what trip and who will be allowed to go or not.

 

I certainly don't know all that much about divorce law, but a civil suit should be able to reveal all correspondence between her and the other guy through the discovery process...

[Garfish]

I would march over there and beat this guy but I can't simply because he's much bigger than me and literally is very physically intimidating. When my wife first said he made friends with a guy at yoga, I expected a girly guy and not this monster.

 

Dude, that is the reason she is boinking him, because he's bigger than you, and she got all sweaty and touchy with him in Yoga class. Women often prefer a big sweaty sasquatch over a loyal guy with a heart. She established a physical connection with him by being in that class. She's probably been fantasizing about him the whole time. Don't resort to violence; don't throw your life away for this piece of garbage.

 

Notice how both women and men, liberal and conservative posters are almost all telling you the same thing?