Feeling wishy-washy - I need support

[Mr Reptile]

I've been in NC for 4-5 months and what you are dealing with are ABSOLUTELY NORMAL.

You feel like this even after weeks has past, but I promise it will get MUCH better.

 

If they truly loved you then ofc they have bad days and thinking about you, it's human nature.

Keep NC and move forward!

[Jingle14]

Day 33 NC

 

The last two days has been terrible. It was grey skies and gloomy weather when I woke up this morning. I didn't want to go to work and all I could think of was him. It reminded me of the past when we didn't feel like going to work that day, we'd take the day off together and spend the day at his place. I wanted to text him and ask if he wanted to take the day off together. Really stupid thought. Of course he'd say no (or just ignore and delete the text), and what do I really expect? Us been in different rooms and not talking? That idea was scrapped, but it hurt.

 

I should've listened to my gut and stayed home. I got to the train station and tears just kept streaming down my face. I don't know what got over me. The tears just got heavier and heavier until I was actually crying on the train. It had to be the most embarrassing and longest train ride. I had no tissues in my bag and I just kept crying. My make up was sliding off my face and later when I got to the office restroom that I saw streaks of mascara on my face. I bought my breakfast looking like crap.

 

I don't know why I just broke down like that. Do they have moments like these? Do they miss us and breakdown at times? But stay strong like us and not break contact?[/QUOTE]

 

I wish I knew that too. Common sense tells me he has replaced 'our' memories with new ones with my replacement, if they are still together and I have no idea, nor do I want to have - whether this is the case. I do know he did once love me every bit as deeply as I loved him but, knowing him, he will have repressed every bit of thought of me, he is that cold and detached, very able to be clinical and logical, robotic even.

 

I'm glad when the weather is grey and gloomy, the sun feels as thought it is mocking my misery.

[Jingle14]

I can relate so much to your thread! It's like reading about myself. Though I never message my ex when I get the urge because I can't stand the thought of him reading my message then tossing his phone to one side. The whole no reply thing is horrible so I just remeember that horrible feeling and the urge passes. I think you should too.

 

It's funny how you mention even the smell of a season brings back memories, I thought I was the only one,

 

Everyone has been telling me to be kind to myself ect but for some reason I've been finding that really hard. I've even stopped wearing make up because I feel like theres no reason to look or fee nice! It's like I'm punishing myself! But last night I made myself all comfy on the sofa with a bag of sweets and watched a good film. Thats the first nice thing I've done for myself since the break up and guess what, I actually forgot to think about him.

 

Please start being nice to yourself. Starting from tonight! Post everytime you do something nice for yourself Even if it doesn't help.... Deal? Do it for yourself, not him.

 

I was like that, I stopped eating, drank a bottle, sometimes more, of wine a night and was a wreck. I was definitely punishing myself, and also it was my way of externalising my internal misery for the world to see. Now though - 16 months on but I've been doing this for about 5 months - I make sure I am always dressed well, my hair and make up done really nicely (although the frequent compliments I get, although a bit of an ego boost, are almost like a knife twisting because 'he' doesn't see it and he doesn't want me). I have loads more clothes - mostly dresses now, I always used to wear jeans or trousers but started wearing dresses as he loved me in them, and I choose things still that I know he'd really think I looked good in - and the effort is for me. I put on the make up, put on nice clothes, and go out there with my head held high and with a smile on my face for me.

 

The seasons are a killer, the autumn has brought a big depression, it was 'our' time - when we got together, gorgeous walks walking together holding hands and with our other arm around each other, gazing into each others eyes as we walked along, just everything about the season, and then going into winter/spring, was perfect. I used to love daffodils - so did he, we bought them for each other - now I can't look at them. Does he think of me when he sees them, does he remember or is he buying them for my replacement now? I find it hard to take pleasure in the changing seasons like I always did, can't find the joy in the wonders of nature anymore. It's strange but the weather was perfectly seasonal when we were together - a gorgeous autumn, snowy and cold winter, beautiful spring, it was like 'someone on high' approved of our being together - apart from the February the first time we split, and it rained most of the month. As soon as we got back together a month later, the weather changed and was warm and sunny, even boiling hot in April (not usually the case in the UK!). Last year, the winter was mild and nothing, spring was rainy as was most of the summer. Probably me being stupid though.

 

It's hell, all of it.