Feeling wishy-washy - I need support

[Kite]

You are so much like me! The anxiety and constant stress.

 

I know this is a late reply, but I would love to know how you are doing and what happened.

 

I've been NC for 4 days, I know, not very long. But it seems an eternity to me. I want to text or call him at least three times a day. So disappointed in myself. I now just tell myself that if I break NC then I will have to start my count all over again. It is so important to show yourself that you ARE strong and can do it.

[not-a-drive-by]

Day 21 NC

 

I haven't been here for a while because I haven't really felt the need to. There are days where I feel really stressed and would want to give him a call or send a text to relieve the pain. But usually, I just cry it out until all the emotions have run out. I had a dream of him a few nights ago, which didn't help.

 

And today...it was $#1t at work. I am starting to hate it. Many of my colleagues are leaving and I don't feel like I am getting enough opportunities or $$. I was on the verge of texting him. Just saying "hi, how you going" and perhaps just talking to him about work (not our relationship) . I opened whatsapp, pressed on his name, and almost sent something. But I didn't, so I am ranting here.

 

21 days of NC...I never thought I'd reach this point. It's the longest that we've not spoken to each other for. I miss him. But the lack of communication from him on his end, tells me he doesn't miss me at all...He has surgery for his foot next Tuesday, and I'm contemplating whether to send a text to wish him well that day.

 

It all feels so $#1t today.

Edited August 31, 2012 by not-a-drive-by

[mistermr]

Have you ever considered he may be on a forum somewhere else saying the exact same things?

"21 days NC, it's really hard but I'm keeping strong, I really want to contact her but I know if I do, I will hurt her."

If you were together that long then how can he possibly forget you?

 

I've just read through this thread and found it very interesting and inspirational. I'm 7 days NC and it has felt like an eternity. I lived with my EX for 4.5 years. I know at the moment she is blissfully happy in the arms of another man and it kills me to even contemplate that. But there's **** all I can do about her situation so I just have to concentrate on my own.

 

I can't deny it's still at the back of my head that she/he will **** up what they have. I can't deny I relish in that thought a little bit. But what I can deny is any hope of reconciliation for a good long while, if ever.

 

What has helped me this past week has been looking forward. I mentioned this in another thread but I signed up to a dating website (mainly because I'm quite shy to do this **** in real life lol) but what I have found is that, even if you're not ready to date yet, you will find a lot of people in your situation who can relate to you and feel the same sense of loneliness you may be feeling right now. Like I said, you don't have to date. But it is nice receiving the attention from the opposite sex and you can make lots of new friends. You may even make a new extra special friend and that really helps distract from the temptation of texting your ex. Finding someone who WANTS to text you. Damn, this girl I'm texting (it's only been 5 days) but she's text me most mornings saying "Good morning x" **** you have no idea how nice that is compared to waking up feeling sad in an empty bed alone lol. It's only a small gesture on her behalf but it goes along way to setting up the rest of my day. Give it a go. ****, I will text you good morning if you want haha

[not-a-drive-by]

Have you ever considered he may be on a forum somewhere else saying the exact same things?

"21 days NC, it's really hard but I'm keeping strong, I really want to contact her but I know if I do, I will hurt her."

If you were together that long then how can he possibly forget you?

 

I've just read through this thread and found it very interesting and inspirational. I'm 7 days NC and it has felt like an eternity. I lived with my EX for 4.5 years. I know at the moment she is blissfully happy in the arms of another man and it kills me to even contemplate that. But there's **** all I can do about her situation so I just have to concentrate on my own.

 

I can't deny it's still at the back of my head that she/he will **** up what they have. I can't deny I relish in that thought a little bit. But what I can deny is any hope of reconciliation for a good long while, if ever.

 

What has helped me this past week has been looking forward. I mentioned this in another thread but I signed up to a dating website (mainly because I'm quite shy to do this **** in real life lol) but what I have found is that, even if you're not ready to date yet, you will find a lot of people in your situation who can relate to you and feel the same sense of loneliness you may be feeling right now. Like I said, you don't have to date. But it is nice receiving the attention from the opposite sex and you can make lots of new friends. You may even make a new extra special friend and that really helps distract from the temptation of texting your ex. Finding someone who WANTS to text you. Damn, this girl I'm texting (it's only been 5 days) but she's text me most mornings saying "Good morning x" **** you have no idea how nice that is compared to waking up feeling sad in an empty bed alone lol. It's only a small gesture on her behalf but it goes along way to setting up the rest of my day. Give it a go. ****, I will text you good morning if you want haha

 

Haha, that could be a possibility. That he has moved on, but does not want to contact me to prevent any further hurt to me.

 

If 2.5 years is this difficult to get over, I cannot imagine those like you who have been together for years and years. The first few days or week, is the hardest to get by with NC. Hope you are still doing well today.

 

There is something about dating sites that I just CAN'T do at the moment. We met online through a game, so there is something about online dating that seems to connect memories to him . When I visit this news site, when I scroll to the bottom, there is always links to this dating site. My heart always hurt a little when I see it - not like we went through any sites like that. Just really weird. Maybe because I am just not ready to put my mind to be with someone else at the moment (even though you are only just chatting). Everything still reminds me of him. Even that one stray white hair I found this morning...it reminded me of him. We used to pluck them out for each other and makes me wonder if he has tried to do that himself or just simply shaven his hair off.

 

I hate not knowing anything about him any more. So much can happen in 2 months apart.

 

Side note: I've done a LOT of retail therapy this week lol. I've spent just under $500 this past week (this may be a small amount to others, but I usually don't spend like this). It provides momentary relief but does keep me busy browsing online...money not spent on "us" can now be spent on ME, right??

 

And thanks for the offer of the morning text haha. Made me smile.

Edited August 31, 2012 by not-a-drive-by

[lovehurts82]

not-a-drive-by.. So glad to hear you're hanging in there and doing better. I know what you mean about the online dating things reminding you of him. My ex and I met as friends of friends.. though we got to know each other through a game. I can't bring myself to hardly play anymore though. Anyhow! Glad to see things are looking up. Take each day for itself. Some will be hard and others not so much. Rather than retail therapy.. I ended up with a brand new job and am moving. Can't wait to see who and what the future holds!

[not-a-drive-by]

Day - idk what of NC

 

Feeling very unstable today. I am actually crying while I am typing this. Tomorrow is his surgery and I am debating so badly whether to contact him or not. I am feeling awful because I miss him so much. It almost feels like this is the last connection we have of each other. I haven't spoken to him for almost a month now. I don't know anything about him anymore. I just want to get back to talking to him again, but I am also afraid that we won't be able to get the communication flowing like in the past. I miss him so much. It hurts. It hasn't hurt like this for so long.

[mistermr]

I wouldn't cause him stress before a surgery, at least think of it that way. Let him recover and then decide whether or not you want to contact.

 

I don't know about you but the urge to contact comes over me in waves. Once I think about it, it can become overwhelming but if I resist long enough it fades and I get myself out of that slump and wonder what the heck I was doing even thinking about it.

 

Have you got any jobs or errands that need doing you can sink yourself into for the next few hours?

 

I broke contact 2 days ago. The next day I regretted it because it rehashed a lot of feelings for her. I'm still interested in where I will be next week, either still in low-contact or strict NC. But what it has done has opened up a path of communication that what closed originally due to pot holes and... well enough of that analogy. But you get the idea.

 

You're doing so well. You may be happy again tomorrow and not feel the need to contact him. Would you rather that feeling or a feeling of regret you broke you NC?

[not-a-drive-by]

It's 8.23pm now, so I'll probably watch tv shows til I fall asleep. I know what you mean. The urge to contact does come in waves. I often weigh the pros and cons of breaking contacting, and then end up telling myself, if he cared, he would've called me.

 

It felt good typing here and crying. I guess I will hold off on breaking NC tomorrow, even though it will be quite unbearable.

 

After these few weeks of NC, I think I am at the point where I want to try low contact. But like you said, it will probably rehash a lot of feelings. If it can get communication between us going, I think I might like that. I miss talking to him.

 

I hope you are doing alright.

[not-a-drive-by]

Well, NC has been broken, even though I said I wouldn't do it today .

 

He sent me a text after his surgery, saying it all went well and hoped that I was doing well too. He said that his mum told him that I called to ask about the surgery, which was strange. I didn't call. I did speak to his mum a few weeks ago and she mentioned the surgery which makes me think she is trying to get us to talk. But who knows, ay? I caved in and replied.

 

Dead conversation. Back to NC I guess.

[mistermr]

Well at least the world is still turning.

 

I'm still not sure if I'm doing the right thing with low-contact.

 

I still can't get a solid answer out of her, but I suppose her actions ARE speaking louder than words.

 

I kept asking her if she avoids thinking about "us". She does, she hasn't really took the time to consider her actions. Which to me is MENTAL. Because it's going to hit her hard one day. But if that's what she wants to do, then best of luck to her.

 

It's odd talking to someone who used to be so happy and silly and fun, texts from her now barely raise a "lol". I get the occasional one but I don't know if it's genuine lol.

 

I'm the one whose heart she broke and she continues to act like the confused one. I keep asking her what's going on in her head but as I've said already, she has been avoiding thinking about it. Ignorance is bliss? I don't know, how long can she carry that on for before it comes back and hits her hard?

[not-a-drive-by]

Well at least the world is still turning.

 

I'm still not sure if I'm doing the right thing with low-contact.

 

I still can't get a solid answer out of her, but I suppose her actions ARE speaking louder than words.

 

I kept asking her if she avoids thinking about "us". She does, she hasn't really took the time to consider her actions. Which to me is MENTAL. Because it's going to hit her hard one day. But if that's what she wants to do, then best of luck to her.

 

It's odd talking to someone who used to be so happy and silly and fun, texts from her now barely raise a "lol". I get the occasional one but I don't know if it's genuine lol.

 

I'm the one whose heart she broke and she continues to act like the confused one. I keep asking her what's going on in her head but as I've said already, she has been avoiding thinking about it. Ignorance is bliss? I don't know, how long can she carry that on for before it comes back and hits her hard?

 

Probably ignorance is bliss for dumpers. They avoid thinking about "us" and the future. They try to avoid this subject as much as possible. I've given up mentioning it because I think it turns them off and pushes them away.

 

I feel kind of stupid replying to the text yesterday. Maybe I should have left it there after he texted. I want to communicate with him, but I'm just not feeling it from his side. I didn't want to push it too much either, because he is probably tired and in pain from the surgery.

 

Yes, the communication is plain...even worse than talking to a distant friend. It doesn't raise any laughs or fun . I just want at least that back...it's so difficult when it appears like he doesn't give a $h1t anymore.

[not-a-drive-by]

Just had a good cry in the shower and crying again now. The truth that we are longer together and possibly never getting back together again is hitting me harder and harder. This Saturday will be 3 months since our BU, I still want him back so badly. I've been using NC for all the wrong reasons this past month. I wanted it to make him miss me, but clearly it hasn't.

 

I hate how this NC thing almost feels like the only option now. Even if I want to break it, I don't know how to. I can't find a topic to get the conversation going or how to start one without seeming desperate. I know it sounds crazy, but I want to talk to his mum, just to tell her how much I still love and miss him. It's not him, but that is the closest thing.

 

I just want to scream out so badly right now. With all this advanced technology, why have they not developed something to help erase unwanted memories? F*ck, it hurts.

[mistermr]

I feel your pain. I'm just sat here wondering if I should text my ex. But I have no idea with what? "I miss you, blah, blah" is WHAT I want to send but I suspect she knows that already lol. I wish I had something to say or that I needed something from her lol but I dunno, I suppose thinking about it, if I've got nothing to say outside of the relationship topic then what am I hoping for?

 

I keep wanting to offer if any of you'd like to exchange numbers but I can't see a private message function. I just thought that all of us are sat staring at our phones waiting for "that contact", so why not talk to each other instead? It will keep out texting fingers busy lol.

[not-a-drive-by]

I think you need a.certain amount of posts to unlock the PM. I dont know if texting others would help me, because in the end, it's still not him . It might even make me miss him more. I am lying in bed now and thinking of canceling dinner plans with friends tomorrow. I dont feel that I can be happy around them and might break down crying.

 

I was thinking, will it be harmful to text our ex and let them know that we feel that we are growing apart and ask if we can have an update of what we have been up to? That way, the topics are not relationship based? or is that a horrible idea?

[stemac]

@not-a-drive-by

 

hello don't text him you will only feel worse then you feel now, i know its hard god i know that sooo well, ive cried today and maybe cry tomorrow, its a good thing to cry its a release of all that emotion that's building in side of you,

i miss my Ex sooo much its killing me inside, ive done the same lay there or sat there thinking of them getting more and more upset, really its not the right way of going about it, go to that Dinner tomorrow, if you cry so what if your friends love you they will support you, you never know you might stop thinking of him for an hour or so and have a good-time, you have to think "is your EX crying in his bed or turning down dinners is he hell just like my Ex, are they worth all this misery, that's what i am drilling into my head,

 

is will get better i promise you that :-)

[not-a-drive-by]

I don't know what to do anymore. I just feel down and hopeless.

 

All the places we went last night, were places that my and my ex had been to before. It just stirred up a whole bunch of memories and made me miss his company so much. I felt out of place with my friends, even though I had spent a whole week with them at New Zealand a month ago. They still feel really distant and being the shy and socially awkward me, I couldn't even strike up one conversation. That made me miss my ex EVEN more. I just don't know how to click with anyone. I had a few drinks and when I got to bed at 1am, I sent him a text "XX, I miss your company". Of course, no reply.

 

His moved on, but I haven't. I don't know how to move on when I still love him so much.

[Sav]

It will get better. I know it sounds dumb and totally not helping at all but it does. For me, I still miss my ex, but I always tell myself she chose to leave me and it's not worth it. Of course I continue thinking about her and get depressed at times, but it lasts only a day or two before I'm fine again.

 

Don't keep telling yourself that you love him. It's pointless now. It's all about you now. Move on, move forward. You can do it, but it really depends on you. If you tell yourself you can't move on, you'll be stuck in this rut for a few months or years before telling yourself you have to move on. OR you can tell yourself to move on now and move on.

 

You don't have to forget everything about him. Embrace the beautiful memories that you guys shared because at one point of time, they are real. However, do keep in mind that people change and that is in the past, so move on and heal.

[megan43]

The first thing u r doing wroung is keep began to be back all that does is push him away I have to stay stroung and do not reply to his text for a while like two months let him miss u. I sound desperate o know u love him I my self is going threw a bad break up n love him to bites but men don't like when women throw them self at them he playing mind games customer he just wants to see if he can dog u n still have u . Stand ya ground n give him space he will come back by u act n as if u dnt give a **** Cuz then he will feel like he lost u . How can he feel like he lost u if u keep text n and calling

[not-a-drive-by]

Just thinking about all this, makes me so angry. Why do dumpers get it so easy? Why do we dumpees have to go through all this ourselves? Pining over them, deciding whether to initiate contact or not, or the best ways to forget them or how to move on. Why do dumpers get it good? They don't have to worry about all this **** we are going through. ****, it makes me so angry. Why the **** is he having it so good? Yes, they may have moved on while they were in the relationship, but because we were there holding their hands along the way, surely, it's nothing compared to what we are going through now.

 

I sent him two more messages after that drunk text. One was in the morning, just purely "how was your morning? have you voted?" - to strike up friendly conversation. After receiving no reply, I sent another text in the afternoon saying that if the text from last night made it awkward for him, I will try to refrain from sending those again, and that I don't want it to come to the stage where we can't even have a normal chat like friends (like the morning text earlier). Til now, I haven't received a reply. I have a feeling that he hasn't read the last text because on whatsapp it shows he hasn't been online since I sent it (I feel stalkerish ). I have a feeling that he won't reply and will just ignore it, but in the back of my mind, I am still expecting something back .

 

All this about focusing on myself, I don't know how to any more. I've been going to gym classes, bought new clothes and shoes, watching tv shows to keep my mind off and busy, but it hasn't worked. I don't see any direction in life. I don't see any hope. I don't see any point. Memories are haunting me every minute of the day. I feel so lonely and have noone to talk to. I feel really miserable. I just want him back so badly. Yesterday, I wanted to text his close friend and ask if he thinks we have another chance. It's that stupid little hope in my mind that keeps playing with my mind. I've just been crying yesterday and this morning. I feel so pathetic and useless. I hate being me.

[Calico]

I feel so lonely and have noone to talk to. I feel really miserable.

 

You have us.

 

I think you need to actively work on accepting that your relationship is over and that he will not come back. By "actively work" I mean that you need to deliberate embrace that painful thought rather than run away from it every time it comes up and try to cover it over with futile hope.

 

If there is no way out, you have to go through it. You need to face the pain "actively", without resigning to it (but willingly surrender) and without running away from it. Let it wash over you, go deep into it, but at the same time firmly keep in mind that this is something that WILL pass. It WILL get better, but you MUST work for it and focus on its temporary nature rather than falsely believing that you will never be okay again.

 

Also, stay away from the alcohol. It is a depressant and you pay for the temporary numbing with increased pain and more despair. It also prolongs the healing process considerably. There is NO benefit to alcohol and turning to it for relief is worse than constantly breaking NC. Stay out of the bottle or you will have bigger problems than a broken heart.

 

I can't blame you for sending him texts. I'm having a hell of a time not contacting my ex, especially when I wake up after a night (or whenever it is that I sleep) full of dreams about her, and before I go to bed when I feel as if I'm falling apart. But you see what happens. He doesn't respond and you feel again completely helpless. Even if he responded (my ex would), you go back to having hope and that will distract you from your work on accepting that it's over.

 

Hope is something you can't "kill" easily. But you can decide whether or not you actively feed it.

[not-a-drive-by]

Thanks Sav and Calico. Yes, LS is really all I have. Writing in a blog doesn't help anymore, because what I need is someone to reply, relate, give me support or advice. I know the advice is always the same, but it always help during those times where I just can't bear it anymore.

 

I know for a fact now, that he has read the texts but has not replied. It's harsh. But not replying, I guess it confirms that he doesn't care anymore or gives a ****. It hurts, but I guess I pushed it to this state. He said he will be there as a friend for me, but what a load of crap. Maybe he IS the jerk he says he is. It actually hurts to say he is a jerk.

 

Hope is something you can't "kill" easily. But you can decide whether or not you actively feed it.

 

Funny thing is, sometimes I come to LS FOR hope. I read about second chances and people getting back together. My mind finds ways to find hope and feed it.

 

Also, stay away from the alcohol.

 

I am far from being an alcoholic . I am a very light drinker and only started drinking more after the BU with friends at dinners. I guess I am trying to be someone different. Trying something that I've haven't really done before. I want to be "fun" or whatever. I want to do things to show him that I am different :'(.

 

I am forced into NC. I am glad that Day 1 of NC is almost over. It's a struggle fighting to let go. Oh god, it's so difficult. I fell for him too hard. It's so pathetic now, that even the warmer weather and scent of spring brings back memories. I just keep crying when I am alone.

Edited September 9, 2012 by not-a-drive-by

[Calico]

Thanks Sav and Calico. Yes, LS is really all I have. Writing in a blog doesn't help anymore, because what I need is someone to reply, relate, give me support or advice.

 

LS is what keeps me somewhat functioning. I really don't have friends that can help with this situation. In the beginning, I talked to a couple of them, and I exhausted them with my rollercoaster ride, so now I just remain quiet. It's affecting my job, too, and people notice that, but I can't help that for now.

 

As lonely as I feel, my desire to be around people is limited, and when your job is to work with folks and help them, well, that's a problem! (The only people I can stomach right now are the ones on LS, but that's because we are or have been in the same boat and we don't have to wear a mask here). If for some reason you wanted a skype name, drop a PM and I'll ponder it.

 

I know for a fact now, that he has read the texts but has not replied. It's harsh. But not replying, I guess it confirms that he doesn't care anymore or gives a ****.

 

Try to stop checking on such stuff. Delete Whatsapp. It just drives you crazy and keeps upsetting you. Put yourself into a protective bubble. I actually got an email from my ex yesterday, where she let me know that I haven't been forgotten and that she hopes I'm all right. She didn't ask, she only stated. I stared at the two lines for hours, I composed answers, and in the end just dropped it. I don't know what to say to her. I'm not "all right", but what point is there in telling her that? She had been with me for nearly four years, she knows me better than anyone, and she knows I'm not "all right".

 

I could come up with reasons why your ex's lack of action doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't care, but the last thing you need is more possibly false hope, especially since it's most likely the cold and harsh truth anyway: he doesn't care. For a dumper who does care, it's a pretty crappy spot too, I imagine, but ... eh, I'm also tired of looking at their side of things. They had far more power in the whole break-up situation than the dumpee.

 

Funny thing is, sometimes I come to LS FOR hope. I read about second chances and people getting back together. My mind finds ways to find hope and feed it.

 

That's why I don't read the Second Chances forum section. I can't always suppress the hope, but I can decide what I read and what influences I expose myself to. It's that power that you need to seize. You have to ride the waves and not let them toss you around. I can't get you on that surf board, you have to hop onto it. You'll still fall off and get tossed around a little before you climb back on it.

 

I am far from being an alcoholic . I am a very light drinker and only started drinking more after the BU with friends at dinners. I guess I am trying to be someone different. [...] I want to do things to show him that I am different :'(.

 

Sometimes I want to grab you and shake you very gently to snap you out of that kind of thinking! You are who you are! Changing is fine, but NOT for someone who makes zero attempt to change for you, too! And by changing, I mean stuff like being more attentive, more emotionally available, more considerate. Certainly NOT starting to drink to be "fun". The only people who think drunk people are fun are drunk people.

 

I am forced into NC. I am glad that Day 1 of NC is almost over. It's a struggle fighting to let go. Oh god, it's so difficult. I fell for him too hard. I just keep crying now.

 

Crying is good. It helps to release stress and it'll help you to reach clarity at some point. It won't get better for a while, and in fact, it will get worse for a while, but if you hold out, it will get better. You don't have a choice here -- you have to get better, and you owe it to yourself that you take care of your well-being.

 

It's your responsibility. Not his. He won't see you being miserable and then come back because he feels sorry for you. If you want to prove something to him, get back on your feet and become emotionally independent of him. That's the one thing that will really impress him.

[not-a-drive-by]

And by changing, I mean stuff like being more attentive, more emotionally available, more considerate.

 

Haha! Had to comment on this. I think these three things killed it for me. Apparently, I was being too nice and cared too much that it became a burden for him. He started worrying about how his actions would affect me and what would make me upset. Things like competitive basketball and snowboarding. He had injuries from both of these sports, so naturally, wanting the best for him now and the future, I wanted him to restrict the amount of involvement in these two sports. But I guess he saw it as preventing him from doing what he enjoys and feels that he has no freedom. Mind you, that is why he had the surgery for his foot. We had a fight two nights before the BU because he wanted to do another day of basketball (we agreed on two weekdays every week after the first injury) and his foot was not completely healed. Amongst all the other things, he probably felt it was a deal-breaker. Lo and behold, three weeks after BU, he injures the same foot at basketball. And then what does he do? He goes snowboading two weeks after and breaks the same foot on the first day there which leads to him having surgery last week.

 

I have to say I was a very bad communicator whenever things went wrong or I got upset. I would keep it to myself and it would drive him crazy trying to figure things out. It would be what you call passive-aggressive behaviour? When things went wrong, I kept saying "nothing" was wrong. I didn't know how how communicate to him the things that made me upset. I know this is what I need to work on, but it's something I need to do and show inside the relationship. Him not giving us another chance, I really can't show that things can work out.

Edited September 9, 2012 by not-a-drive-by

[Calico]

I didn't know how how communicate to him the things that made me upset. I know this is what I need to work on, but it's something I need to do and show inside the relationship. Him not giving us another chance, I really can't show that things can work out.

 

He's the wrong man for you. Yes, you could probably improve your communication skills, but that isn't why your relationship failed. You can't stop being a caring person only because your partner has a boy's attitude when it comes to "freedom". You can polish who you are, but you can't become someone completely different.

 

You can't be less than who you are.

[LostGirl11]

I can relate so much to your thread! It's like reading about myself. Though I never message my ex when I get the urge because I can't stand the thought of him reading my message then tossing his phone to one side. The whole no reply thing is horrible so I just remeember that horrible feeling and the urge passes. I think you should too.

 

It's funny how you mention even the smell of a season brings back memories, I thought I was the only one,

 

Everyone has been telling me to be kind to myself ect but for some reason I've been finding that really hard. I've even stopped wearing make up because I feel like theres no reason to look or fee nice! It's like I'm punishing myself! But last night I made myself all comfy on the sofa with a bag of sweets and watched a good film. Thats the first nice thing I've done for myself since the break up and guess what, I actually forgot to think about him.

 

Please start being nice to yourself. Starting from tonight! Post everytime you do something nice for yourself Even if it doesn't help.... Deal? Do it for yourself, not him.