Feeling wishy-washy - I need support

[lovehurts82]

I just can't do it any more because she isn't listening or has any more words of comfort.

 

Yes.. yes you CAN and you owe it to yourself to continue on! There's light at the end of the tunnel. But you HAVE to let him go. I was in a relationship with a guy 7 yrs... talked about getting married and made the plans (I had the ceremony written and everything), talked about having kids and made a list of names we'd like to remember when that time came.. I thought our lives were on the road to being fantastic. Until he broke up with me. And a week later, his Facebook status said he was engaged to someone else. It's been a little over a week since that happened and it's been one of the hardest weeks of my life. I tried going NC from the time I found out about his engagement, but I was angry and hurt and had left our last conversation on a bad note and having hung up on him. Three times this last week, he's texted me and the first time I didn't respond. Second time, I texted back and explained my thoughts, gave him my cautions on things I could see and told him I wished him luck with her. Two days later, he texted back AGAIN and said he was sorry. I left it for the night, then texted him that afternoon and asked what for. He said everything and I told him this was definitely not where I saw our relationship heading, but we'd have to see what the future held. He agreed.. we talked a little bit of small talk, and I told him that that was it. I couldn't talk to him anymore and I couldn't get his texts because it hurt me too much. I let him know that I was working on turning my life around.. getting back on my own two feet again and then left it at that. For myself, I had to make peace with the situation in order to feel better. I don't know if you are a religious or spiritual person, but sometimes faith in something that will help you get through.. can help a ton. If not, put that faith in yourself. You CAN do it. I didn't think I could either.. but a week later, I believe I'm finally at peace with the situation and have accepted it. Believe that you have the strength to pick yourself up and start again. As someone else said, go to the gym.. head out for a walk.. be active. Exercise is a good way to relieve stress. Also, small changes, gained strength, even if you don't need to lose weight, will help you feel better about yourself and motivate you to stop feeling sorry for yourself and climb back up from the pits of depression we all go through. Go out and get a new haircut.. or add some highlights. Buy a new outfit and head to a coffee shop or something. Anything to bring about little changes that will help you to cope with the BU.

 

My ex became my everything. He was my support. But now he is gone, I literally have nothing.

 

You DO have EVERYTHING! You have a fresh new beginning with which to improve yourself. You have a chance at finding someone even BETTER than your ex was (and yes.. that's a possibility too). To help me through, I also found myself looking through motivational and inspirational quotes and they have helped a LOT. Here's a few I found to help me the most.

 

"It's not what they take away from you that counts, it's what you do with what you have left." -Hubert Humphrey

 

"Everything is going to be alight. Maybe not today, but eventually." -unknown

 

"Hanging on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." -unknown

 

"God changes caterpillars into butterflies, sand into pearls, and coal into diamonds using TIME and PRESSURE. He's working on you too." -Rick Warren

 

"I believe everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn how to let go. Things go wrong, so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies, so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." -unknown

 

"Just because something isn't happening for you ight now, doesn't mean that it will never happen." -unknown

[lovehurts82]

I would also suggest checking out CaliGuy's NC Guide: A MUST READ Hope this all helps! Good luck and keep us posted on how you're doin!

[not-a-drive-by]

Thanks Sav, Hornachero and lovehurts82. I don't know how I would've coped if I hadn't joined this forum. I am starting to find inspiration from these posts and from other threads.

 

I've made it to day 5 of NC again. I had a dream of him last night (I haven't had a dream of him in a while) and it felt so real . My brain has been making excuses to contact him - like send a simple text to ask for my boxing gloves and ask him to place it in his mail box so I can pick it up without seeing him (I want to try boxing at the gym and don't want to use the ones there). So far, I have resisted. I thought about asking his mum to give them to me, but I don't know yet. I don't want to start NC all over again.

 

I've done the haircut thing (did that after the first week of BU), started going to the gym classes (yoga and pilates - something I would never have imagined myself doing - i.e going to the gym myself. We joined the gym together and if not for him, I would've never done it), I'm driving myself to the gym (I really hate driving and he was surprised when he found out after the BU; he thought I was catching the train), bought new eye glasses and even got my ears pierced today (again, something I avoided for so long because I was afraid of the pain! But I did it!).

 

But, even after all that, I still miss him. I still want him back . I'm finding it very difficult to be happy. I've been feeling so down the whole day at work; I can almost feel a frown etched permanently on my face . My colleague how I was going and I could hardly reply with "I'm ok". I feel all choked up and could feel the tears coming out. I feel weak . I just want to scream out, "I'm not OK and I'm dying inside because I miss him so much". During pilates tonight, memories of 2 years ago randomly came rushing back. Feel so ****.

 

Sigh. End rant.

[lovehurts82]

Congrats to you sticking with it! It's hard to go NC.. it really is. I have compared my breakup with how I felt trying to quit smoking. It's very much the same thing. I tried using patches, gum, lozenges.. each of them giving me that bit of nicotine that I had been craving, but when they were gone, it just left me wanting more. I ended up just having to quit cold-turkey and have been successful. That's what we're having to do with these relationships. The longer you hang on and give in to those cravings, the longer you are putting off the inevitable. Instead, I had to keep myself busy, change habits, learn to identify the mood swings and unhappiness that came with the withdrawal and then find a way to turn it around. My ex is very much an addiction for me. Having been together for so long, he also knows how to manipulate me and make me give in if I were to not stick it out. Just like quitting smoking, I want to be healthy again and sitting around crying over him and being miserable isn't healthy.

 

No one says you won't miss him or think about him or want to be with him. We all do, or we wouldn't struggle so much with letting them go. But, there comes a point when you have to put yourself back in the pilot seat of your life and tell yourself you deserve to soar once more.

 

I agree.. I wouldn't be nearly as well off as I am were it not for these forums. It's only been 2 weeks since my BU and I was absolutely beside myself. But, talking to others and trying to help others in similar situations has helped me see my own situation in a different light and it's been almost therapeutic for me in coping. I still love him and can't help but wish it was me that was road-tripping him across the country to move home with me.. but, apparently that's not the direction my road leads and I am trying to be content with that.

 

Always remember, when you question why and feel like you can't continue: "You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it." Hang in there, you'll make it!

[Hornachero]

I love how you are fighting to keep your head out of the water! Getting rid of your fear of driving by yourself, boxing? That's great not-a-drive-by! Those are no small things and you should be proud of yourself!

 

Regarding the boxing gloves, I would just forget about them for now. I don't think you can handle seeing him (why do exes look so stunning when they break with us?) or even talking to him. I know I wouldn't. Buy a new pair if you can afford it and try to move one. The less you see of your ex for now, the better you will feel. You are two days only from completing your first week of NC and that's an important milestone. You survived 5 hard days, you will survive the rest.

 

Also, the shock related to a BU can sometimes be transformative in unexpected ways. I remember learning Italian after my first BU and reading over 100 books during the first year (we often took the same bus and I didn't want to take the risk to see her with a new guy). Let the pain/confusion your are experiencing right transform you into a better person!

 

And of course, hang in there

[Sav]

Thanks Sav, Hornachero and lovehurts82. I don't know how I would've coped if I hadn't joined this forum. I am starting to find inspiration from these posts and from other threads.

 

I've made it to day 5 of NC again. I had a dream of him last night (I haven't had a dream of him in a while) and it felt so real . My brain has been making excuses to contact him - like send a simple text to ask for my boxing gloves and ask him to place it in his mail box so I can pick it up without seeing him (I want to try boxing at the gym and don't want to use the ones there). So far, I have resisted. I thought about asking his mum to give them to me, but I don't know yet. I don't want to start NC all over again.

 

I've done the haircut thing (did that after the first week of BU), started going to the gym classes (yoga and pilates - something I would never have imagined myself doing - i.e going to the gym myself. We joined the gym together and if not for him, I would've never done it), I'm driving myself to the gym (I really hate driving and he was surprised when he found out after the BU; he thought I was catching the train), bought new eye glasses and even got my ears pierced today (again, something I avoided for so long because I was afraid of the pain! But I did it!).

 

But, even after all that, I still miss him. I still want him back . I'm finding it very difficult to be happy. I've been feeling so down the whole day at work; I can almost feel a frown etched permanently on my face . My colleague how I was going and I could hardly reply with "I'm ok". I feel all choked up and could feel the tears coming out. I feel weak . I just want to scream out, "I'm not OK and I'm dying inside because I miss him so much". During pilates tonight, memories of 2 years ago randomly came rushing back. Feel so ****.

 

Sigh. End rant.

 

I know how you feel. Today I had an exam and all I thought of was her. Which made me lose over 40 marks =.=. So I might fail this exam. Well this only made me more mad at her haha so is this a good thing? hmm

[confusedx10]

I am in the same situation. It sucks beyond beyond. I dont know what to do. Last summer my boyfriend and I broke up for the summer because he lives so far away and I never got over it. We went back to school in the fall and awkwardly walked by each other. We got back together in the winter and had been going strong. Now he is going abroad/California and I am in Maine and he lives in Illinois and I live in Connecticut. Distance is tearing us a part. At first he was for staying together and I wasnt and now the roles have reversed. We talked last night and we arent staying together. I cant stop thinking about him but I know I cant talk to him. I'm believing in fate. If we were meant to be we'll get back together and if not then he was just another guy. Thats the only way I can accept this. It wouldve been so hard to only see each other maybe two times a year for the next four years. We do love each other so much, its definitely mutual but this was best for both of us. Its hard because there wasnt a reason we broke up, we just cant see each other. Right now I think we will get back together in four or five years and maybe get married. We have talked about marriage but we are too young. Because there wasnt a reason we broke up, I still think theres hope. Our paths just have to cross again.

 

For you, i think you need to do the same thing as me. It sucks and I cry a lot but every time I cry i force myself to smile. It is a fake smile but I want to be happy again. He will always be in the back of my mind but we have to move on. It's only hurting yourself. Don't talk to him and delete his texts right when he sends them so you arent tempted to keep reading them. If you guys were meant to be then you'll get back together. End on good terms right now and say you need some space. That space will either bring you closer together or further a part. Right now you cant imagine not loving him anymore and I am in the same place but maybe it could happen. There are two possible outcomes in time: you get over him and move on or you get back together. You have to figure out which one it is on your own. You might need to fake being happy for a little but soon youll actually be happy. You really need to cut off all contact. I know everyone has said that and you dont want to listen but its crucial. You are hurting yourself more by talking to him. Go out and keep busy. In time itll get better

[jthiff]

not-a-drive-by

 

I appreciate for you posting on my wall earlier, I couldn't help but find out what your story was. Im sorry for what he has done to you, you sound like a fantastic girl. But you know my situation as well. Wish she thought like you. To try and work things out. Its unfair what he has done to you. You deserve so much better than him as well. The no contact is so hard but you seem to be doing better than me at it. Keep your head up high and don't let him know you are suffering as hard as it is. Keep in touch, post on my wall whenever you feel like talking i will check it everyday and reply back

[not-a-drive-by]

Thank you for reading and following my posts: lovehurts82, hornachero, Sav, confusedx10 and jthiff . Reading your replies really give me strength to get out of this rut.

 

Day 7 of NC *YAY*. Even though he is still in the back of my mind, I think I can say I am doing much better than 2.5 months ago (or even a week ago). I'm beginning to feel numb and haven't been crying as much. Perhaps TIME and NC is really doing it's job. Or maybe I have changed my outlook on things after reading so many threads on LS. Perhaps my motivation on NC is to prevent myself from pushing him further away from me. I need to give us both time and space. Before I went to bed yesterday, I googled "dumper's point of view on NC". Found some good reads which put my mind at ease a bit. NC does affect dumpers in many cases. Many of the dumpers said the constant contact after a BU put them off even more, and destroyed any last chances of reconciliation for them. NC = hope? Hope as in being able to move on and perhaps, reconciliation? I think I am trying to move towards that direction.

 

Confusedx10 - I am trying to believe in fate now. If we are meant to be together, we will be together in the end.

 

Let's hope I can maintain this NC. I still check my phone for any messages from him. But of course, none . I really miss his big, warm hugs (felt that urge to have a hug from him in the afternoon) and even wanted to text him when I finished work saying "YAY, finished work!!". Random, I know. I just want some attention from him, like I did in the past . The weekend starts tomorrow and I dread it so much. It's filled with nothing now. Nothing to look forward to, whereas, it was good times spent together in the past. Sigh.

[not-a-drive-by]

Day 9 of NC.

 

I just came home from having dinner with my family. I wanted to cry and scream out in pain. I didn't have any appetite and felt sick in the stomach the whole time. While going out earlier with my parents, my dad asked how my situation is with my ex. I started crying. I realised I was lying to myself this past week. I thought I was becoming stronger, but I haven't been. I couldn't even bring myself to talk to my parents about it because it's so painful. Maybe reality hit home, that the relationship is really broken and he has not made any attempts to make it work again. After that, I've been feeling $h1t the whole day. So many times I wanted to text him. Tell him I miss him. And just text like the old times. I've held off from doing that, but I'm here typing again and crying.

 

It's so painful. This week's efforts seem to have gone to a waste again. It feels like I can't be happy again without him.

[Sav]

Day 9 of NC.

 

I just came home from having dinner with my family. I wanted to cry and scream out in pain. I didn't have any appetite and felt sick in the stomach the whole time. While going out earlier with my parents, my dad asked how my situation is with my ex. I started crying. I realised I was lying to myself this past week. I thought I was becoming stronger, but I haven't been. I couldn't even bring myself to talk to my parents about it because it's so painful. Maybe reality hit home, that the relationship is really broken and he has not made any attempts to make it work again. After that, I've been feeling $h1t the whole day. So many times I wanted to text him. Tell him I miss him. And just text like the old times. I've held off from doing that, but I'm here typing again and crying.

 

It's so painful. This week's efforts seem to have gone to a waste again. It feels like I can't be happy again without him.

 

Don't ever think this way! You've come this far. During our BUs, we all have our ups and downs. One day I can be feeling like the king of the world, the next I feel like total BS. But even when I feel like total BS, I don't let it phase me. I cry, I listen to songs, I sing out loud and then poof, the next day, I'm feeling better. Just know that you will have your off-days. It's normal. After all, you guys have been together for so long. Accept this fact, embrace the fact and move on. One day he will look back and kick himself in the nuts when he sees you doing MUCH MUCH better trust me, I've been a dumper as well as a dumpee. I know how both sides feel. Hang in there!

[sam2012]

 

Let's hope I can maintain this NC. I still check my phone for any messages from him. But of course, none . I really miss his big, warm hugs (felt that urge to have a hug from him in the afternoon) and even wanted to text him when I finished work saying "YAY, finished work!!". Random, I know. I just want some attention from him, like I did in the past . The weekend starts tomorrow and I dread it so much. It's filled with nothing now. Nothing to look forward to, whereas, it was good times spent together in the past. Sigh.

 

That kills me too. She used to text all the time about the silliest things. Now I see things on TV that in the past she would text me about and it just brings it all home that I've lost that connection, there's no message from her

 

Also, with mobiles you know they have it with them at all times. You know they could make time for a quick text. You also keep it with you yourself at all times so can check it.. every. single. minute!

 

Then there's all these chat apps that tell you when they are online. Seeing her online makes it so tempting to just send a message.

 

And yeah, weekends suck

 

Wish I could be a help but I can't.. Just in the same boat.

Edited August 19, 2012 by sam2012

[kindest]

I know how you feel.

 

My ex dumped me because according to him he realized he's not ready for a relationship (the classic commitment phobe). I begged him to change his mind for days. When we finally had our last talk, he made made his decision and didn't want to work it out with me anymore. We went NC for a little over a month, until he contacted me on a 'friendly' note. I missed him so much that time so I couldn't resist and I responded.

 

Since then not a week went by without him reaching out, and although I missed him, it was pure torture that he spoke to me as a 'friend', even went far as talking about dating other people. It really made me sick to my stomach. A week ago I finally realized that I'm hurting myself even more by accepting his behavior and responding to every instance he reached out to me, so I told him to stop. It was the only way for him to stop because I noticed that the more I ignored him, the more he reached out. I ended it on good terms, but I was dying inside. I've been crying a lot ever since.

 

It has been 6 months since our BU. One week since we last spoke. I know I can do this because I have done this before. I have mixed feelings about my ex, I know deep inside he is a good person but I hate him so much for what he put me through.

 

Just want to let you know you are not alone.

Edited August 19, 2012 by kindest

[not-a-drive-by]

It's a funny thing. When we go NC, we long for our ex's to reach out to us. And when they finally do, we become lost and do not know what to do. And sometimes wished that they didn't reach out to us in the end.

 

I was feeling it again when I woke up. Absolutely $hit. No reaching out from his end which makes me really upset. I just want to receive a text from him saying "Let's talk". In my dreams. @sam2012, technology can be so cruel.

 

@Sav, I've probably read this over and over on the internet. But since you have been on both sides, what are the reasons for the dumper not to contact their ex? . It just feels awful not hearing from him, even though it may be best not to.

[not-a-drive-by]

Day 12 NC

 

My mind is starting to play tricks on me. There is no sign of reaching out or reconciliation from his end. NC from him. My mind is painting a hideous picture of him - a cruel and heartless person who has kicked me to the curb. The image in my head is one where he is having fun, has forgotten me and has moved on. Words keep playing in my head, with him saying that he "doesn't want it", "no" and he doesn't feel "suffocated" any more. These images and ideas aren't really helping . I haven't moved on...

[InAFog]

Day 12 NC

 

My mind is starting to play tricks on me. There is no sign of reaching out or reconciliation from his end. NC from him. My mind is painting a hideous picture of him - a cruel and heartless person who has kicked me to the curb. The image in my head is one where he is having fun, has forgotten me and has moved on. Words keep playing in my head, with him saying that he "doesn't want it", "no" and he doesn't feel "suffocated" any more. These images and ideas aren't really helping . I haven't moved on...

 

I know just how you feel. The fact that he doesn't reach out kills. You feel like he's completely forgotten you.

 

But how much do we really know about what our exes are feeling? Maybe they're just to proud to reach out. Maybe they think it will hurt us and they don't want to do that. Maybe they really have just moved on. It sucks. So many questions that will never get answered. So many unresolved issues that we are left to deal with, alone.

 

Why is it that it is only one member of the couple that comes here? Only the one that hangs on and can't let go...

[Hornachero]

Hi Not-a-drive-by

 

Of course you haven't moved on! These things take time so be easy on yourself! You'll be ready when you'll be ready and there is no need to rush things!

 

It's also absolutely normal to feel angry at him for not contacting you. Anger is a positive feeling at this stage. It'll give you the motivation to take control of your own life instead of thinking about him. Your next goal now is to become a better person: smarter, fitter, funnier! Meet new people, make new friends, learn a new language, transform the anger you have in you in powerful drive that will make you ten times better than the great person you probably already are.

 

And we'll talk about all of this again in a couple of months down the road, when you will meet him somewhere (with a stunning new guy on your side too) and you'll feel nothing but gratitude for life that has allowed you to become your new you!

 

In the meantime, hang in there

[not-a-drive-by]

@InAFog - you are right. Who knows what is really going through our ex's mind? For all I know, maybe he is too busy doing overtime to make money for his surgery that is coming up. Tired after the shift and just falls into bed when he gets home. Or, maybe he is chatting with another girl now. Or maybe, I am out of sight, out my mind. I'm just a "nobody" to him now. A complete stranger who he doesn't want to know or associate with any more.

 

@Hornachero - the anger was so strong today that it made me start crying. It's eating me up inside. I am angry that he gave up on us, didn't give us or me a chance to fix things and now it appears I am NOTHING. Someone who used to mean everything to him, is NOTHING. I'm angry at how he just let go. The thing is, I don't think our lives will ever cross paths again if one doesn't reach out to the other...

[kindest]

@InAFog - you are right. Who knows what is really going through our ex's mind? For all I know, maybe he is too busy doing overtime to make money for his surgery that is coming up. Tired after the shift and just falls into bed when he gets home. Or, maybe he is chatting with another girl now. Or maybe, I am out of sight, out my mind. I'm just a "nobody" to him now. A complete stranger who he doesn't want to know or associate with any more.

 

@Hornachero - the anger was so strong today that it made me start crying. It's eating me up inside. I am angry that he gave up on us, didn't give us or me a chance to fix things and now it appears I am NOTHING. Someone who used to mean everything to him, is NOTHING. I'm angry at how he just let go. The thing is, I don't think our lives will ever cross paths again if one doesn't reach out to the other...

 

I feel that way sometimes too, but you know what? I know it's not true. How could I have felt so strongly for him if I was nothing? People are not easy to forget. You know how I know this? My ex told me that himself.

 

Last time we talked and I asked him why he still kept talking to me well he couldn't give me a straight answer, but he did say 'we don't have to be strangers.' I understood what he meant and somehow felt a little better that he said it but I knew I just couldn't continue talking to him while I was expecting more from him and he couldn't give it.

 

I was flattered by the little attention that he was giving me but I realized that it's not enough and that I kept hurting in the process.

 

I don't want to be remembered as the ex who kept chasing him after he left me behind, and I am proud that I never did chase him. I want to be remembered as the girl who stood up for herself and was brave enough to cut him completely from my life.

[oracle]

Hey guys

 

I've been lurking around this forum for a few days now; finally decided I needed help myself. My case isn't much different to any one elses' here, but I guess I need reinforcement and support right now.

 

Background

 

My ex of 2.5 years broke up with me 6 weeks ago. He was my first love, and I put myself entirely into this relationship. I love this guy to bits. I've read the "Grass is greener syndrome", and feel that is why he broke up with me. We had a wonderful 2.5 years (some big fights here and there), but we stuck through it. The break up seemed to happen out of nowhere, and days before he was so "in love with me", talking about growing old with me etc. After the night of BU, I went back crying and begging for another chance, but of course nothing. He said he could not be my bf but can only be my friend...so I grabbed onto that idea - being so afraid to lose him.

 

I really don't understand why he just won't give us another chance. His previous ex cheated on him, treated him like ****, broke his heart - but he gave her another chance, but he just won't give a damn chance for us...

 

Mixed Messages

 

Over these past 6 weeks, we've tried to meet a few times (only once it ended pretty badly). I've asked to meet up but it's either a "no" or "after this x number of weeks" or "I have plans" etc, but it never happens. Every time I try to do NC, after a day or two, I'd get a random text which tears me apart again.

 

I'm getting really mixed messages. He has sent me messages telling me to stay strong (that I am still on his mind - after reading my blog), to take care, take photos at the snow and show him (wtf? he doesn't even want to meet me...), called me on a random night at 10pm to chat (he was working out at home), and yesterday, sent me another random text saying he just did a 23 hour shift and has a long weekend off to tease me (I replied, but nothing after that). The most recent call I made to him, I told him I missed him. He just gave me silence over the phone, and when I asked if there really isn't a chance between us - he didn't say "no", but said he wanted to concentrate on healing his foot (injured it while snowboarding). I also mentioned our likelihood to meet again, he said that we'd meet at gym but he knows we go at different times.

 

Help!

 

I want him back, but I know this isn't healthy. For all I know, he is really over me and have moved on already, and I am hanging onto nothing. He is the first person I have connected so well with, maybe that is why I love him to bits. So many thoughts are going through my head at the moment.

 

How do I let him know that his random text messages kills me a little bit more each time, and it's probably not the best time to contact each other now? In my mind, I want to tell him not to contact me until he wants to work things out with me and give our relationship another try. Or we just can't be friends anymore (surely he has thought about losing me forever if he decided to break with me?). But I feel like a coward - that if I take this step of NC and that condition, I will lose him forever.

 

How do I do this without losing him? I still want him back, as sad as it sounds . I am falling into pieces over him.

 

 

1) Don't be a slave to mixed messages. Look at it this way... Do you like being the dog waiting for scraps?

 

2) Dont reply to his texts... or if you do, tell him your out with your friends or busy.. you will talk to him later. Leave it at that. You both can play the Rule 1 game - Nothing is at it seems.

 

3) Don't text him..

 

4) If you have begged I think its pretty much done. Thats a position of complete weakness and an utter turn off to others. People want what they can't have. Its causing you to want him more because he is pulling away, and him to want you even less cause you are throwing yourself at him.

 

5) Sounds like he isn't sure where he is. Maybe he is seeing someone else but has lingering attachment that causes him to reach back now and then but isn't willing to commit to anything on any level

 

6) You DO NOT want to go back to this... It WILL happen again, don't waste anymore years of your life. You will have fun, you will love again. Life will be what you make of it.

[Sav]

It's a funny thing. When we go NC, we long for our ex's to reach out to us. And when they finally do, we become lost and do not know what to do. And sometimes wished that they didn't reach out to us in the end.

 

I was feeling it again when I woke up. Absolutely $hit. No reaching out from his end which makes me really upset. I just want to receive a text from him saying "Let's talk". In my dreams. @sam2012, technology can be so cruel.

 

@Sav, I've probably read this over and over on the internet. But since you have been on both sides, what are the reasons for the dumper not to contact their ex? . It just feels awful not hearing from him, even though it may be best not to.

 

Well, As I'm a guy, it's usually the ego that gets in my head and prevents me from contacting the person I dumped. However, DO NOT find hope in anything I am saying. We break up for a reason.

 

I still like the girl I broke up with 2 years ago (4 year r/s). But I know I did the right choice. She wasn't going to change and our personalities clashed. Sometimes the dumper still have feelings for the dumpee, it's just that the relationship is too unhealthy or that they do not see a future with the dumpee.

 

Another reason you might not be hearing from your ex (which is the most plausible reason) is that he moved on. It sucks, but you have to accept the fact that he moved on and found someone else. Know in your heart that you too will find someone that loves you for everything you are. Do not give up hope, and most importantly, do not give up the whole forest for the sake of one tiny tree

[kindest]

@ sav

 

Did you ever contact your exs, particularly those you dumped, for no reason at all?

 

Just want to know what's in my ex's head and why he wanted to keep in touch with me. I've tried every tactic for him to stop, ignored him, picked a fight, been sarcastic and bitter with my responses... But I won't deny that I've also enabled him at times and even encouraged him to keep in touch. Anyway, none of my tactics worked... he'd let a few days or a week pass by then he'd be at it again, contacting me for the most random reasons. There were times I suspected that his reasons were just excuses so that we could talk. You'd think this would make me happy but it didn't. Contact is not what I wanted from him, I wanted more.

 

The only way that I ever got through to him was by being straightforward. lol, big surprise there (insert sarcasm).

[not-a-drive-by]

Well, As I'm a guy, it's usually the ego that gets in my head and prevents me from contacting the person I dumped. However, DO NOT find hope in anything I am saying. We break up for a reason.

 

I still like the girl I broke up with 2 years ago (4 year r/s). But I know I did the right choice. She wasn't going to change and our personalities clashed. Sometimes the dumper still have feelings for the dumpee, it's just that the relationship is too unhealthy or that they do not see a future with the dumpee.

 

Another reason you might not be hearing from your ex (which is the most plausible reason) is that he moved on. It sucks, but you have to accept the fact that he moved on and found someone else. Know in your heart that you too will find someone that loves you for everything you are. Do not give up hope, and most importantly, do not give up the whole forest for the sake of one tiny tree

 

I am worried about the ego part...and maybe he may not be contacting me further because he doesn't want to hurt me any more, knowing how much pain I went through during the BU, which brings up the point kindest brought up.

 

Did I leave an impression that he found someone? I really don't know that. It may be my mind playing games on how fast he has moved on; my mind just feeding more pain to my heart because it's so broken already? I think knowing him for 2.5 years, I can give him the benefit of the doubt that he isn't in one now. But who knows...ay?

 

@oracle - you are right. All the things you've listed, I've done. I begged, I cried, and fell for the scraps. I showed all my vulnerabilities. I am trying NC now to salvage what I have left. I'm not sure about point 6 though. I saw my life with him. If he asked me to marry him, I wouldn't have had a doubt. I still want another go with him though. I feel like the relationship was cut short. Maybe years down the track, I will find someone else and laugh at my situation right now. How stupid I was for pining over him. But right now, he is all that I want. Or, maybe I will find someone but deep down, he will always be the one I want.

[Sav]

I am worried about the ego part...and maybe he may not be contacting me further because he doesn't want to hurt me any more, knowing how much pain I went through during the BU, which brings up the point kindest brought up.

 

Did I leave an impression that he found someone? I really don't know that. It may be my mind playing games on how fast he has moved on; my mind just feeding more pain to my heart because it's so broken already? I think knowing him for 2.5 years, I can give him the benefit of the doubt that he isn't in one now. But who knows...ay?

 

@oracle - you are right. All the things you've listed, I've done. I begged, I cried, and fell for the scraps. I showed all my vulnerabilities. I am trying NC now to salvage what I have left. I'm not sure about point 6 though. I saw my life with him. If he asked me to marry him, I wouldn't have had a doubt. I still want another go with him though. I feel like the relationship was cut short. Maybe years down the track, I will find someone else and laugh at my situation right now. How stupid I was for pining over him. But right now, he is all that I want. Or, maybe I will find someone but deep down, he will always be the one I want.

 

And that's why I said you SHOULDN'T find hope in what I said. Ego plays a part but if I really like someone, it wouldn't get in the way would it? Breakups as I've stated, happen for a reason. And you have to accept that the relationship is now broken. I don't want to come across as cold and harsh but after going through breakups, looking back I realized the tiny little things that escalated which resulted into the demise of the relationship. It just meant that at that point of time, we weren't compatible.

 

2 years, 20 years, 40 years down the road, who knows. Maybe you will get back with your ex. BUT right now, it's unhealthy. There are flaws in you and in him. Work on yours. Make yourself a better person. Then your next relationship would (hopefully) turn out for the best

[Sav]

@ sav

 

Did you ever contact your exs, particularly those you dumped, for no reason at all?

 

Just want to know what's in my ex's head and why he wanted to keep in touch with me. I've tried every tactic for him to stop, ignored him, picked a fight, been sarcastic and bitter with my responses... But I won't deny that I've also enabled him at times and even encouraged him to keep in touch. Anyway, none of my tactics worked... he'd let a few days or a week pass by then he'd be at it again, contacting me for the most random reasons. There were times I suspected that his reasons were just excuses so that we could talk. You'd think this would make me happy but it didn't. Contact is not what I wanted from him, I wanted more.

 

The only way that I ever got through to him was by being straightforward. lol, big surprise there (insert sarcasm).

 

Yea, I keep in contact with all my exes. Except for this recent one. The wound is still fresh. I'm friends with all my exes but only after not talking for at least a year. It's possible we can still be friends. Just not exceptionally close ones, but still friends