Feeling wishy-washy - I need support

[not-a-drive-by]

Day 2 NC

 

I felt absolutely miserable at work today. I just didn't want to talk to anyone, and I guess I am still upset that he hasn't replied and will never reply. It just screams "I don't even want to be your friend". I can't stand hearing about my colleagues' weekends - the fun they have with their gfs, partying or bringing them home to meet their family. I used to do that with him...it just breaks my heart and I have to zone out. I can't feel happy for them.

 

Well, the initial fight that led to this months ago, kept playing in my head today . We could've still been together right now, if not for that. I hate myself for those actions. My mind is full of regret. When I was entering emergency contacts into our database today, I kept on seeing "Husband", "husband", "wife", "wife" etc. It hurt . I saw him as my future partner and we used to put each other's contacts down. And now it's all gone. I just wish someone will come and fill that void right now. But at the same time, I know that it's him that I want to fill it. One minute my mind is saying "Yeah! Screw him and move on", and the next minute "No...".

 

Everyone has been telling me to be kind to myself ect but for some reason I've been finding that really hard. I've even stopped wearing make up because I feel like theres no reason to look or fee nice! It's like I'm punishing myself! But last night I made myself all comfy on the sofa with a bag of sweets and watched a good film. Thats the first nice thing I've done for myself since the break up and guess what, I actually forgot to think about him.

 

Ha, you know the funny thing about the make-up? He hates me wearing make-up because he says he likes the way I am - natural (one of the things that I love about him. It made me feel comfortable about the way I look). He always said that make-up makes you look fake. But I have been wearing make-up almost everyday to work since the BU. Too look good. Maybe because I was so comfortable with him that I didn't take as much care of myself. It kind of feels good to go against him. It's almost like being a lil' rebellious against him...

 

It's funny how you mention even the smell of a season brings back memories, I thought I was the only one,

 

It shows how fond our memories are of them . Good to know I'm not alone...

[Calico]

It kind of feels good to go against him. It's almost like being a lil' rebellious against him...

 

YES! It's about time! Keep doing that -- maybe dye your hair a color he hates next?

 

My NC fell apart on day #4. She emailed last night and I read it right when I woke up from the usual nightmares. I responded to it and said all the wrong things! Oh well, so far I don't regret it, though I'll eat those words later on. Day #3 was so above and beyond what I thought I could handle without cracking that I'm sure I can go through it again.

[not-a-drive-by]

YES! It's about time! Keep doing that -- maybe dye your hair a color he hates next?

 

My NC fell apart on day #4. She emailed last night and I read it right when I woke up from the usual nightmares. I responded to it and said all the wrong things! Oh well, so far I don't regret it, though I'll eat those words later on. Day #3 was so above and beyond what I thought I could handle without cracking that I'm sure I can go through it again.

 

As a matter of fact, I did dye my hair . Nothing outrageous, but I did dye it. He didn't like me dying my hair, because he knew that the chemicals aren't good. I really love these things about him and I don't know if I'll find someone like him who isn't materialistic and just loves who I am. I am no drop dead gorgeous girl. He likes things natural. He was meant to dye my hair, but we never got around to it. I really miss him.

 

I am sorry that your NC broke. It's so easy to cave in when they text us. I can never really hold back because I miss the contact so much. And as if that's not enough, we always choose the wrong things to say (thinking that it's the damn right thing to say at that moment and thinking it won't have any ramifications) . He doesn't even want to be friends now because of that stupid "I miss your company" text. Sigh.

 

Subconsciously, I always hope that when I check my phone, there is a missed call or text from him. But of course it doesn't happen. It's so sad .

[Calico]

Subconsciously, I always hope that when I check my phone, there is a missed call or text from him. But of course it doesn't happen. It's so sad .

 

In a way, this is something to be grateful for -- it's like a clean cut. With my ex, she would be very happy if I stayed around as a friend, so I have that seemingly desirable option. But I tried it for a few weeks and it did not work. Every day I would have to hide my love and my neediness (failing frequently, and when I succeeded, it hurt more than NC), and every day I would have to see what I want, but can't have. I'd just hang around, get depressed, hurt every day again, keep hoping and waiting, and don't live my own life.

 

And imagine how you'd feel when (not if) he gets together with another girl. How would you handle that? I don't think NC should be used as a method to get someone back, but it's still the probably best way of achieving that, as sort of a side-effect. Personally, though, I make every effort to squelch any hopes when they surface. Doesn't always work, but when it does, it helps.

[not-a-drive-by]

Day 7 NC

 

I'm feeling really lonely today. My eyes are still pretty swollen from crying yesterday. I woke up early and went to Spin class then weights class. Went home, had a shower, then went out again to pamper myself with a manicure and pedicure. But when I look at this nail polish on my nails, I become scared. It feels like I'm becoming someone I'm not. I'm no longer that "natural" girl he fell in love with.

 

I don't even know why I'm typing this; maybe to stop myself from sending him a text. I'm just feeling really lonely and want to talk to him so badly. I don't know why, but I'm missing him so much today and yesterday. I wasn't able to sleep properly because I kept thinking about him.

[Calico]

Don't give in! You survived yesterday, you'll survive today. You know what last time happened when you texted him. The same is likely to happen again, and then how will you feel?

 

Plus. you are still leading by two days. Actually ... at a second thought ... hey, maybe you should text him after all!

 

(Don't!)

[not-a-drive-by]

Don't give in! You survived yesterday, you'll survive today. You know what last time happened when you texted him. The same is likely to happen again, and then how will you feel?

 

Plus. you are still leading by two days. Actually ... at a second thought ... hey, maybe you should text him after all!

 

(Don't!)

 

I just had a very bad urge again to text him. Not a "I miss you" text, but a hate text. I want to tell him that I hate him for putting me through all this pain. I hate him so much. I hate him for making me hate who I am. But like "10 Things I hate about you", I hate the fact that I don't actually hate him.

 

I am such an emotional wreck. I just bawled my eyes out thinking about all this. I'm still feeling ever so lonely. So am I kidding? I don't have friends. Fk, I hate my life. I hate who I am.

 

(as hard as it is, I can't let you lead )

[Calico]

I am such an emotional wreck. I just bawled my eyes out thinking about all this. I'm still feeling ever so lonely. So am I kidding? I don't have friends. Fk, I hate my life. I hate who I am.

 

Well, I happen to think that you're quite nice and you've helped me a lot in the past few days. I'm also intrigued by how you consume dissolved mascara like other people drink water! ("My throat is sore." -- I'm still grinning.)

 

Don't hate yourself. Try and be friends with yourself. HIS feelings changed. That is about HIM. It happens, it's not unusual, and it says NOTHING about YOU. It's like him getting a cold and you falling apart and hating yourself. Why? It's not like you cheated on him or beat him up or stole his Easter eggs.

 

Start by reminding yourself of how precious you are and how the pain shows you that you're a caring person with an open, gentle heart. That's not common, that's not how everyone is in this world full of walking corpses whose biggest concern is what they eat for dinner or what show to watch. It's certainly nothing to hate, but to embrace.

 

(as hard as it is, I can't let you lead )

 

Good. As much as I would love to take the lead, I'm happier if you keep it. And you don't want me to be a winning, but sad kitty, right? Right!

 

We should do the top-100 NC list that we talked about.

[not-a-drive-by]

Well, I happen to think that you're quite nice and you've helped me a lot in the past few days.

 

Don't hate yourself. Try and be friends with yourself. HIS feelings changed. That is about HIM. It happens, it's not unusual, and it says NOTHING about YOU. It's like him getting a cold and you falling apart and hating yourself. Why? It's not like you cheated on him or beat him up or stole his Easter eggs.

 

Start by reminding yourself of how precious you are and how the pain shows you that you're a caring person with an open, gentle heart. That's not common, that's not how everyone is in this world full of walking corpses whose biggest concern is what they eat for dinner or what show to watch. It's certainly nothing to hate, but to embrace.

 

I have to say, you actually helped me more. This "nice" business is not getting me anywhere. It's becoming something I hate more and more. Like I said in a different thread, I was too nice. I was too nice and caring. That drove him away. And people just take advantage of me because I am so nice. I hate it, but it's how I am and I can't change it. I become that stupid doormat.

 

We should do the top-100 NC list that we talked about.

 

Yea, might be difficult to maintain but could also serve as a motivator for some people. NC will then be used as a competitive thing, rather than used as actually moving on . And the NC Nazis will come with their whip and tell everyone what it really should be used for.

[Calico]

I was too nice. I was too nice and caring. That drove him away. And people just take advantage of me because I am so nice. I hate it, but it's how I am and I can't change it. I become that stupid doormat.

 

Stoppp that! Why would you want to be "not nice"? What kind of relationship would it be where you constantly play mindgames with the person you're supposed to love? Switch and bait to keep someone's interest? That sounds like a nasty job, not like a healthy relationship. You're too caring in the sense that you live through your partner, instead of living for yourself, but that's different from being caring and nice.

 

You don't know if that drove him away. YOU DO NOT KNOW THAT. See, in capitals. I can also draw you a picture if that helps! Even if that was true, it's just one man. Yes, he's Mr. Perfect in your mind, the only one you'll ever love, just like I idolize my ex when the pain spikes, but there are billions of other men (and women -- but don't touch them, at my relationship skill I will need those billions!), and many of them would be most happy to love you just for who you are.

 

It's not love if you are required to change to appeal to someone, to make them stay.

[not-a-drive-by]

Day 18 NC

 

I'm sitting here crying again. I drove past his house on the way back from the gym and all the feelings came gushing back. I wanted to text and see how he was doing. How his foot was healing and if he has returned to work. I started missing him terribly again. I haven't had the urge to cry these past few days or week. I can't remember now. But I'm missing him so much now and can't stop the tears .

 

Why can't he change his mind....

[Calico]

Why can't he change his mind....

 

Why can't you?

 

[ponette]

41 days no contact here, and i'm nauseated. not a shred of contact in that time after almost five years together. i'm crushed.

[not-a-drive-by]

Why can't you?

 

 

Because he still means something to me. I still love him.

 

41 days no contact here, and i'm nauseated. not a shred of contact in that time after almost five years together. i'm crushed.

 

I feel you .

 

This coming Monday is a public holiday. This will be the second public holiday we haven't spent together. I don't look forward to these days any more. We used to spend our time together on these days. Sigh. I am going to hate December holidays a whole lot. I MISS YOU H!

[MilitantPacifist]

Sorry to hear that this has been so rough on you, so much so that you've been discussing it for months on here.

 

Your first love is always the hardest to get over, I'm sorry to say.

 

I read your post and frankly right now I'm that guy. I was engaged to my ex for two years, together with her two years before that, and I was her first love. (Although she wasn't mine, I'd had several serious relationships before that. We're both in our late 20's).

 

From what you said he sounds almost exactly like me in his attitude. He doesn't want to be with you anymore for whatever reason. For me it was because we were fighting constantly and no matter what we did to try and resolve it, we couldn't no matter how much we loved each other.

 

But, he cares for you enough that he doesn't just want to toss you away. He wants to make sure you're okay. I still love my ex in some ways, so I keep in infrequent touch with her to make sure she's doing okay. Heck, I offered to make her car payment for her when I found out she was struggling financially.

 

You can care about someone a great deal, but know that it's unrealistic for the two of you to work out as a couple. I know it's hard but that's just the way it goes. Sometimes love isn't enough for a relationship, you need more than that for actual compatibility and long-term stability.

 

His actions seem reasonable in my opinion. Make it clear that you won't be getting back together, but not treat you like you're nothing to him now. He at least checks in to make sure you're okay.

[not-a-drive-by]

But, he cares for you enough that he doesn't just want to toss you away. He wants to make sure you're okay. I still love my ex in some ways, so I keep in infrequent touch with her to make sure she's doing okay. Heck, I offered to make her car payment for her when I found out she was struggling financially.

 

Ah, but he has tossed me away now. He has cut off all contact with me. Maybe the first few weeks were to help alleviate his guilt and make it easier for him to let go. I am absolutely NOTHING to him now, which I find quite cruel.

 

Even though you and your ex didn't work out, I can see you still care and love her through your actions. I think what I am getting at is that your are still friendly with her. I guess it's quite rare, but it makes you seem more human. Sometimes I find it really difficult to wrap my head around how someone who meant so much to you at one point in time just become nothing.

[Berna]

I've been following your posts for a while now. I see you are struggling, it's normal, he is your first love, but... what will make you see that he is not coming back? When will you realise it's time to get out of denial and start slowly moving on?

 

You can't be friends right now. Maybe in a year or two, but not now. I think he has been fair to you. He knows you can't be friends either. He is actually helping you by not communicating with you. If he did call you to see how you were doing, that would wake up a hope in you that you two can get together again, right? Well, it's more than obvious he doesn't want that.

 

Hold on, and whenever you feel like contacting him, write your feelings here instead

[not-a-drive-by]

I've been following your posts for a while now. I see you are struggling, it's normal, he is your first love, but... what will make you see that he is not coming back? When will you realise it's time to get out of denial and start slowly moving on?

 

You can't be friends right now. Maybe in a year or two, but not now. I think he has been fair to you. He knows you can't be friends either. He is actually helping you by not communicating with you. If he did call you to see how you were doing, that would wake up a hope in you that you two can get together again, right? Well, it's more than obvious he doesn't want that.

 

Hold on, and whenever you feel like contacting him, write your feelings here instead

 

He doesn't have anything to lose by remaining contact with me...

 

Maybe when I find someone else who is better and I end up loving them more, and probably only then he won't matter any more. I am doing much better than initially, but there are days where I really miss him and all I want is him back.

 

And I do post here when I am tempted to contact him or start to breakdown. This site has become my coping mechanism.

[Berna]

Why do you want to remain in contact with him?

[not-a-drive-by]

Well, even though we can't be lovers, I'd still like to be friends. But like you said, it might not happen now, but being cut off like this makes it difficult to maintain a friendship. I don't want him to become NOTHING when he meant the world to me. He was a part of me for 2.5 years. It's difficult to put it down in writing - it's like...it feels like a waste. I know you guys will probably persuade me otherwise, but, yeah....

 

Had a terrible dream of him last night .

[Berna]

Hi dear,

 

Take your time first to heal. Honestly, you can't really be friends while you have feelings for him (and you do). When you get over him, then maybe (if you still want it, that is) you can be friends. Enjoy your NC time now. I so wish I could go NC with my ex too.

 

Take care

[Leigh 87]

Just wanted to wish you well and remind you to keep coming on here when your feeling like contacting him....

 

I wouldn't say your nothing to him; honestly, it is not my style to ignore people unless they harrass me... After 2.5 years together, it is a little harsh to ignore your messages. I agree with what he is doing, but he was a little too uncaring in the way he went about it......

 

I think he should have at least said " hey not a drive by, look I think it is best that we don't talk for a while, until you get over everything. Just know I care about you, even though I do not want to talk right now. I wish you all the best"

The way he is handling it would make any girl feel like after 2.5 years, they suddenly do not care about you at all. Which I know is not true for most people - he would surely have to care after being close with you for those years.

Although I guess it is better that he says nothing, than if he send you " breadcrumbs" as they call it on here! Breadcrumbs - apparently when the dumper continues to contact you, which gives you false hope which ammounts to nothing.

 

I am so sorry your going through so much pain. Just remember, that you will not go to sleep and wake up feeling this bad forever.... Hold onto that thought..

 

 

 

--hugs-- for you:)

[not-a-drive-by]

Thank you for your words of encouragement Berna and Leigh.

 

The way you put it, Leigh, I do wish that that is the case. It's because he still cares that he just stopped replying and starting ignoring me instead. If so, I agree, he at least could have sent one last text saying that he doesn't wish to talk right now. It's not like I wronged him in anyway or hurt him badly for this BU to occur.

 

I had a very difficult last night. My sister is struggling in school and parents started arguing, blaming each other and got me involved. These things stresses me out, and I just started crying. I was so tempted to send him a text saying "where are you when I need you most?". I wanted someone to talk to and tell me everything will be okay. Some words of comfort from him, like in the past. But I'm glad I didn't. I ended up texting one of his old friends which he no longer keeps in contact with instead.

[not-a-drive-by]

Day 33 NC

 

The last two days has been terrible. It was grey skies and gloomy weather when I woke up this morning. I didn't want to go to work and all I could think of was him. It reminded me of the past when we didn't feel like going to work that day, we'd take the day off together and spend the day at his place. I wanted to text him and ask if he wanted to take the day off together. Really stupid thought. Of course he'd say no (or just ignore and delete the text), and what do I really expect? Us been in different rooms and not talking? That idea was scrapped, but it hurt.

 

I should've listened to my gut and stayed home. I got to the train station and tears just kept streaming down my face. I don't know what got over me. The tears just got heavier and heavier until I was actually crying on the train. It had to be the most embarrassing and longest train ride. I had no tissues in my bag and I just kept crying. My make up was sliding off my face and later when I got to the office restroom that I saw streaks of mascara on my face. I bought my breakfast looking like crap.

 

I don't know why I just broke down like that. Do they have moments like these? Do they miss us and breakdown at times? But stay strong like us and not break contact?

[ponette]

i am with you- many days spent like this.

 

today makes 8 weeks-nausea here.

 

do they break down? i don't know. maybe they did, maybe they still do.

 

i'm sad along with you today.