One year since D-Day #1

[The Blue Knight]

haha - To be more proper I should have said "Oh my, oh yes, I would be willing to cause a ruckus defending or standing up for the ones I care about"

 

I'm actually a very feminine gal, I'm just "cursed" with fierce loyalty and a very short fuse

Must be something in those Canadian gals. Fierce loyalty? That's a dying concept in the U.S.

[Steen719]

Must be something in those Canadian gals. Fierce loyalty? That's a dying concept in the U.S.

 

Maybe where you live!!!! The U.S. is a pretty big place and I know plenty,

[TigerCub]

OK. Now I'm turned on.

 

Thanks but I have a boyfriend

[TigerCub]

Actually, I think my sister nailed it tonight, she said the ex is becoming ghetto.

 

If she was realizing she screwed up, she wouldn't have been with him when I called, she wouldn't have been so slimy when she was trying to imply that someone else could have taken the TV, and she wouldn't have stomped on my dead grandmothers sweater. The ex used to proudly wear that sweater since my grandmother died last year.

 

I was going to reply and say almost exactly what you wrote - and I didn't even know about that part in bold - wow.

 

Your ex has issues.

I do think that there will be a time when she realizes that she's made a mistake and want to sidle up to you again - I'm confident that you wont allow it - so I'm glad for that.

[TigerCub]

Must be something in those Canadian gals. Fierce loyalty? That's a dying concept in the U.S.

 

Maybe where you live!!!! The U.S. is a pretty big place and I know plenty,

 

I was going to say that I do think that the majority of people are loyal to their family and friends and those close to them and would be in their corner and would be honest with them, etc.

 

I do believe that there are a lot of people out there who would keep their word or commitment once its given.

[jj83]

Awesome! Well done, I hope that you do find happiness very soon, you sure sound like you deserve it!

[Snowflower]

 

If she was realizing she screwed up, she wouldn't have been with him when I called, she wouldn't have been so slimy when she was trying to imply that someone else could have taken the TV, and she wouldn't have stomped on my dead grandmothers sweater. The ex used to proudly wear that sweater since my grandmother died last year.

 

Perhaps she is realizing she has screwed up her life and is still taking it out on you/blaming you for it. As a result, she lashes out at you with her behavior and words. Stomping on your grandmother's sweater, really? How low can she sink?

 

Nope, she is not ready to admit that to herself and that is why she is acting so slimy and still with him.

 

Blech, let's stop worrying about her! She is in a mess of her own making. I really liked Spark1111's advice above. Trust me...it works! It will drive your XW nuts and it will very likely give you some peace of mind as you work forward. Again, we are not saying that you don't have every right to be as angry as you want...just don't give your slimy ex the satisfaction of seeing it.

 

What will she and her loser guy bond over if you aren't giving them any fuel? They will then lose sleep over your calm demeanor, lol!

[96nole]

I'm sorry you are going through this and you certainly have every right to yell, stomp, and verbalize whatever anger you may be feeling.

 

Certainly no one has any right to control you or tell you how to feel.

 

But I just wanted to say this: The angrier, the more reactive you are, the more you will fuel the affair dynamic where the horns continue to sit on your head, and the halo on his. And that bonds people to have a common enemy -- you.

 

I know that you are heading towards divorce and probably and rightfully don't give a damn.

 

But if you stay cool, calm, collected, secure, confident and sometimes almost rational and kind.....that, more than anything else will take the wind right out of their sails.

 

If there is adversity, and there is always adversity during a divorce, the common deflection of "Oh no, my lawyer said that is not in my best interests...." and leave it at that.

 

If you really WANT to make your x crazy, be really, really happy if she should call. Ask, how is so and so? I know we got off to a bad start, but I really loved you so it was hard to be civil to him. I'm sure he must be a nice guy cuz you love him, right? I hope all works out for you two. Gotta go."

 

In other words, if you do not take the bait to anger you, if you act as if your life is amazing as soon as this pesky legal matter is taken care of; if you wish her happiness with her choice and assure her that you will do whatever the law requires of you and whatever your lawyer advises you to, no more, no less....gotta go, buh-bye....

 

Your nice demeanor and apparent kindness....will DRIVE THEM ABSOLUTELY CRAZY.

 

You have a choice here. You've always had a choice on how to act. People will try to whip you into a frenzy of anger during divorce. You have every right to those feelings. BUT you do not have to show them.

 

Take the high rode. Live your life as if you are so over her and her schmo. Be kind to them, but stick to your guns. Blame the lawyer.

 

It will confound them. And it will give them the most important thing they have now to bind over: You, the big, mean, stbxbs!

 

Just some strategy for you to consider.

 

I understand your point. But at this point, I don't want her back, I don't want to know her, and when this is all done, I don't want to ever see or talk to her again.

 

He's looked like the hero to her for too long anyway. Even to the point of her not knowing who to believe between him and my mother as I explained earlier.

 

Perhaps my revenge in the long run will be them getting closer because of the big mean "me". Perhaps she'll spend more on him in an attempt to spite me. Hopefully they try to make a racing team again and she dumps a bunch of money into it. She won't be able to leave the job she hates or the manager that is constantly on her ass because see can't afford to lose that income.

 

When she called back to tell me that she was also going to file a police report against me, I could tell by her voice that she was shaken by the text from my mother hoping the police don't question the ex at her bank. She absolutely fears losing her job. She no longer has the safety blanket of my income. No longer does she have a large savings to fall back on. She'll have some, but not what we had.

[96nole]

Thanks but I have a boyfriend

 

Yes I know. Besides, I don't think this Floridian would be able to handle those Canadian winters.

[The Blue Knight]

Maybe where you live!!!! The U.S. is a pretty big place and I know plenty,

That was kind of meant as a joke since I can't assume all "Canadian Gals" are truly fiercely loyal.

 

[The Blue Knight]

Actually, I think my sister nailed it tonight, she said the ex is becoming ghetto.

 

If she was realizing she screwed up, she wouldn't have been with him when I called, she wouldn't have been so slimy when she was trying to imply that someone else could have taken the TV, and she wouldn't have stomped on my dead grandmothers sweater. The ex used to proudly wear that sweater since my grandmother died last year.

If eventually the new boyfriend and she invest in a trailer home, never miss NASCAR, are entertained by tire fires, and he's still wearing a mullet, then I'd have to agree.

[TigerCub]

Yes I know. Besides, I don't think this Floridian would be able to handle those Canadian winters.

 

haha, I don't blame ya - I can barely handle them - I'm a big baby when it comes to cold

[The Blue Knight]

Your nice demeanor and apparent kindness....will DRIVE THEM ABSOLUTELY CRAZY.

 

You have a choice here. You've always had a choice on how to act. People will try to whip you into a frenzy of anger during divorce. You have every right to those feelings. BUT you do not have to show them.

 

Take the high rode. Live your life as if you are so over her and her schmo. Be kind to them, but stick to your guns. Blame the lawyer.

 

It will confound them. And it will give them the most important thing they have now to bind over: You, the big, mean, stbxbs!

 

Just some strategy for you to consider.

All kidding aside Spark tossed out some good advice (above ^) I moved on almost immediately from my divorce and I was calm and acted like it didn't really affect me. The nostalgia and history you have with that person you've lost and been with for many years of course affected me as I'm sure it will you . . . but I felt relieved to be able to move on with my life after what she put me through and meeting someone shortly after the divorce was certainly helpful.

[The Blue Knight]

Thanks but I have a boyfriend

 

One who no doubt knows his place.

[TigerCub]

One who no doubt knows his place.

 

haha, we actually have the kind of R where we call each other out on bull**t.

 

I think we both know our place

[The Blue Knight]

haha, we actually have the kind of R where we call each other out on bull**t.

 

I think we both know our place

 

And if calling each other out doesn't work, you guys can always "throw down" with one another.

[TigerCub]

And if calling each other out doesn't work, you guys can always "throw down" with one another.

 

haha, you're witty, I like that.

[Madman81]

96 -- the good news is that, very soon, you won't have to see her or deal with her ever again. You'll be able to write her out of your life, with no children or anything else to tie you to her.

 

It's not going to be totally easy emotionally, and it's NOT going to be a straight line between right now and a future when you're feeling totally better. Remember that -- some days, you'll feel like you're totally over her, and then a week later, you'll be a sobbing mess. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad -- just to prepare you. You WILL have ups and downs -- probably over the next two years or so. But the overall trend will be a positive one. The severity of the swings will get less and less, until they stop altogether.

 

You'll reach a point where you feel as though being married to her was part of a previous chapter in the book of your life. Take the time you need to let this happen. Don't try to rush it -- let yourself heal at a natural pace. See a counsellor if need be -- no shame in that.

 

You sound like a young-ish guy. This is an excellent opportunity to remake yourself. You'll be in your new home soon, and that's a great starting point. Start going to the gym. Change your hairstyle. Update your wardrobe. Get out and see friends. Try new activities, hobbies or sports, or revisit old ones that you'd given up. Search out new music. Over the last several years, you've become defined, in part, as "96 who's married to TBXW". Now you're just "96". Time to find out who that guy really is.

 

And, when you're ready... get out there and start dating again.

 

All the best, my friend. To steal a slightly sexist line (apologies) from the early 90s movie True Romance, the future lies spread out before you like a blonde with big t*ts and an ass that tastes like French vanilla ice cream.

[Steen719]

I was going to say that I do think that the majority of people are loyal to their family and friends and those close to them and would be in their corner and would be honest with them, etc.

 

I do believe that there are a lot of people out there who would keep their word or commitment once its given.

 

I'm with you there lol...just telling BK!

[Steen719]

That was kind of meant as a joke since I can't assume all "Canadian Gals" are truly fiercely loyal.

 

 

Of course it was...and it was taken that way. Now, don't go all serious on me.

[Steen719]

haha, I don't blame ya - I can barely handle them - I'm a big baby when it comes to cold

 

OMG, Florida is hot already and it is only May 15th. I am looking forward to going back north.

[The Blue Knight]

Of course it was...and it was taken that way. Now, don't go all serious on me.

 

Far be it for me to rip on American females. I have to live with a few of them.

[turnera]

May 10, 2012

One year ago right now I had no idea that my world was blowing up. One year ago, my wife and I were in the middle of the biggest and only fight we ever had up to that point in our 15 year relationship.

 

That afternoon I was showing someone at work how I can track her phone with the GPS. We had GPS tracking placed on our phone plan so we could track my grandmother who had Alzheimer’s. Little did I know that I was going to have to use it to track my WW. As I was showing my fellow employee how the GPS works, I noticed my W was not were she should be. She was in my mothers neighborhood, but not at my mothers. I continued to track her through out the day. I also noticed a GoDaddy.com charge on our credit card. I hadn’t purchased a web address in years. I texted my W to see if she made a purchase from GoDaddy.com. She replied “yes, and we need to talk later”. I replied, “that doesn’t sound good”. She did not reply.

 

I get home at my normal time and was expecting her to be home. She was not there. I tracked her phone and she was at the corner of Jog Road and 10th Ave. She would remain there for several hours. I eventually found out that she was sitting at a Spanish restaurant with her OM as he prepped her to come home and light me up like the 4th of July. He was doing what he could to convince her to leave me.

 

When she got home she lit into me about everything. From us not having children (even though her cardiologist was against her getting pregnant), to not being spontaneous enough with trips. Even though she worked long hours and Saturday’s and it was her hours that prevented us from making many weekend get away’s.

 

After several hours, she eventually went into the other room to talk on the phone with her female friend. I was sitting shell shocked in the living room. I didn’t see any of this coming. I thought we were fine. I thought we had a great relationship. Most of our friends were envious of us. What I didn’t know at that time was that while she was talking to her friend on the house phone, she was also texting the OM.

 

Later that evening I heard her tell her friend that she had been “miserable” for the past year. Again, I had no idea. I went to her and told her I was sorry I made her so miserable. I had no idea and wished she would have said something. She then asked why I was so concerned with ‘possessions”. I asked her what the h*ll she was talking about. She asked “what would happen to us if the house blew away.” Again I asked her what she was talking about. She said “what if a hurricane were to blow the house away, what would happen to us?” I told her that if a hurricane was going to blow the house away that I’m grabbing her, the cats, the important papers and pictures and getting the h*ll out of the area. Everything we have, we built together. And most of it is hand me down furniture. We can rebuild.

 

When she would say “possessions”, it was if she was above them. As if they were just meaningless objects. She would lazily wave her hand in the air as if she were shoeing away a fly when she would say it. I would later understand that the OM had trained to that opinion. The OM is a 40 year old loser that lives with his mother. Since he has nothing, he had to convince her that not having anything was actually appealing. To convince her that “possessions” were just objects, and that she doesn’t need them. She only needs his love.

 

Later on that evening her female friend came over. They went outside to talk while I tried to get some sleep. I was exhausted.

 

The next morning, which was the WW birthday, I came out of the bedroom to see her sitting in the living room. I wished her a happy birthday, actually, I phrased it like a question. I asked her if we were going to be OK or are we f*cked. She came to me and gave me a hug and told me we were going to be OK and that we can work on it. I then told her that the way she was acting that it seemed that there was someone else involved. She didn’t respond. I asked her if there was someone else. Again, she didn’t respond. Since we were still hugging, I pushed her away at arms length and told her that if she was not answering me, then that means there is someone else. She confirmed that she was “talking to someone.” After many more questions from me, I find out she is having an affair. She claims they only kissed. BOOOOM!!!! D-DAY NUMBER 1. To this day, I still don’t know for sure if that was all they did back then.

 

I immediately left the house and went to work. When I walked into work everyone could see something was wrong. I had the 1000 mile stare. My world was upside down. The woman I loved more than life, the woman I had absolute trust and faith, was seeing another man.

 

After a few hours, I went to my mothers house. By then my parents knew and so did my in-laws. A few hours later I drove by the area in my mothers neighborhood where I found my wife the day before with GPS. I found a pickup truck with a lot of racing stickers on it.

 

My W had been talking a lot about her customer at the bank that was into drag racing. She asked several times if we could go to the drag races to see her customer. He had invited her out to the race. But by the time she got home from work, we wouldn’t get there in time. So we didn’t go.

 

Then I realized, it was the drag racer that she was having the affair with. A guy that I would later find out can’t support himself. Lives with his mother. Was recently divorced because his ex-wife ‘resented’ him. And is a completely disrespectful a*shole. And she was going to start a racing business with him. Thus the GoDaddy.com purchase. She bought a domain name for the race team there were going to start.

 

These have been the longest 12 months of my life. In that time, my W has cheated twice with the dirtbag. My grandmother finally passed away the day before my 40th birthday. I thought I was going to lose my job. I will be divorced within a few weeks. I will be moving from the house that at one point I was very proud of. Now, I cant stand the sight of it. I was supposed to go on a cruise with the W and her parents. Instead, the W took her OM and the in-laws were OK with it. The W said some very awful things to me. I was starting to believe her.

 

The last 3 months have been the hardest. I’m still struggling. I’m still fighting. It’s still day to day. But I’m still here! I will not be her doormat! How dare she treat me the way she has!!! My lawyer is better than hers. I did not bend during mediation. I stood my ground. Everything I’ve done in the past 3 months has been to do exactly what she doesn’t want. I’ve taken as much control as I have. And in those moments when I lost my composure or was a complete emotional wreck, my friends and family propped me up.

 

One month from now I will be moving into a nice apartment. I’ll be out of this house. This was a dream house. Now it’s a house of nightmare memories. I’ll be divorced. I won’t have to deal with her anymore.

 

In the past 12 months, my life has completely changed. My future is completely different from what I thought. I venture on as me, not us. I deserve a better woman. I will get a better woman. Who she is and where she is, I don’t know yet. But she is looking for me as well. She just doesn’t know who I am or where I am yet either.

 

Here’s to the next 12 months being a whole lot better than the past 12 months. I need them to be.

You should email this to your in-laws. I know they 'know,' but they need to 'really know' what she did.

[turnera]

But she is the one who has become very trashy because of the dirtbag she is with.

Uh...not because of who SHE is? All his fault? Just sayin'.

[TigerCub]

OMG, Florida is hot already and it is only May 15th. I am looking forward to going back north.

 

Really? I am jealous - its nice here right now 25 & sunny

but I just love the heat as long as its not humid - humidity makes my hair frizz:eek: (this smiley will have to do, since they don't have one with a fro)