Author SomedayDig Posted April 17, 2012 Author Share Posted April 17, 2012 Just a little thing I stumbled on today while doing stuff around the house: Out of the blue, one of those little mind movies entered my head. Doesn't matter the context, it's all the same. Anyway, instead of wallowing in it, I simply said "You're not wasting my energy today. Get the f#$* outta my head". Call it a little exorcism, but I literally stopped thinking of it and began finishing the work I was doing. Anyway, just thought I'd share that. Oh, and for a little levity in all of this, I chuckled today when I thought about writing a book called "The Affair Diet: How you can lose 20 pounds in 20 days"!!! LMAO 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SomedayDig Posted April 17, 2012 Author Share Posted April 17, 2012 Sorry LHI...you're too cynical for me. Why you continue to troll this forum is beyond me. Sorry if you've been "hurt" by someone, however projecting onto others honestly does no good. Peace to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SomedayDig Posted April 17, 2012 Author Share Posted April 17, 2012 Yeah, LHI...that's me. However, since you have never met my wife or know her in any way whatsoever, you calling her a "skank" or saying that she falls in the same category as a prostitute are way off base. Sometimes it's best to keep your own issues to yourself before attempting to give "advice". You may be a good poster for calling it like it is, however, I think you're a coward who has been here for quite some time and decided to create a different screen name yesterday. But that's just a hypothesis of mine. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 :laugh:Very good, I actually thought that is what you where suggesting. Information overload, desensitizing unpleasant experiences by overloading the senses with them. I know it's has been tried extensively with people suffering extreme cases of PTSD & has been proven ineffective if not detrimental. I think it works best to get over mild phobias though, fear of snakes, that sort of thing. I also, personally think it's cruel. Back to A Clockwork Orange; A good fictional flick but I got the impression the lead character, (I don't remember his name), was never actually cured in the end. I never saw A Clockwork Orange and had no idea what it was about - but that method - overloading myself with information - is basically what I did. It worked for me. I don't say that it would or would not work for people in general - it was unbelievably painful - but we are both now in a very happy fulfilling marriage. So at least on occasion, it does work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SomedayDig Posted April 17, 2012 Author Share Posted April 17, 2012 LHI...if you had any idea of how angry you are, you would get it. Yet you don't. That's your issue. Goodbye now. Link to post Share on other sites
oldguy Posted April 17, 2012 Share Posted April 17, 2012 (edited) I never saw A Clockwork Orange and had no idea what it was about - but that method - overloading myself with information - is basically what I did. It worked for me. I don't say that it would or would not work for people in general - it was unbelievably painful - but we are both now in a very happy fulfilling marriage. So at least on occasion, it does work. First of all, A Clockwork Orange was a complete bit of fiction as was the lead characters “experimental” treatment so lets get away from that movie As for what you did with, I’m assuming a mental healthcare professional; first I’m happy that whatever it was worked for you but I’m not sure I’m familiar with what it was. What I was talking about is actually called “habituation” and it has been more successful treating behavior issues like phobias, (fear of heights or flying, that sort of thing), but not at all for things like PTSD where therapies like EMDR have been proven to be very effective for that & even some forms of “jealousies”. It sounds like you may be describing some form of Systematic Desensitization (SD) but there are so many behavioral therapies I would greatly appreciate it if you could find out what it was called & let me know even if you want to PM me, I’m curious. Edited April 17, 2012 by oldguy Link to post Share on other sites
Author SomedayDig Posted April 18, 2012 Author Share Posted April 18, 2012 Silk and oldguy...so, as I was doing a bit of research last night, I read one technique where it said if I take a say 5 minute time out each day and allow the movies to come through, that it helps me be the one in control of them. The technique also talked about "morphing" the scenes any way I want to, deconstruct them so to speak. Even though the actions did happen, my imagination is what is creating these out of my fears and whatnot. I am in control of my imagination...not their actions. Day by day. Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 Dig, if i mays ask. are these things she did any different from the things she did with you? I mean, do the mind movies consist of things she didn't give you? is that why they permeate your brain. i just want to understand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SomedayDig Posted April 18, 2012 Author Share Posted April 18, 2012 That's a great question Artie, and that was one of the details I've asked on several occasions. While I can only take her at her word, she said that she did nothing different with him (trust me...THAT was a tough f'ng talking session), actually less than what our more adventurous stuff was. Never dressed up or wore anything special for him when they met. Now...the perfect part of your question is "why they permeate my brain" is because there was nothing different they did. Therefore I know exactly what she looked like, sounded like and whatnot. And that is where I've had the difficulty with this crap. Link to post Share on other sites
oldguy Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 Silk and oldguy...so, as I was doing a bit of research last night, I read one technique where it said if I take a say 5 minute time out each day and allow the movies to come through, that it helps me be the one in control of them. The technique also talked about "morphing" the scenes any way I want to, deconstruct them so to speak. Even though the actions did happen, my imagination is what is creating these out of my fears and whatnot. I am in control of my imagination...not their actions. Day by day. That sounds more like "habituation" which I spoke of earlier which is a desensitization behavioral technique that, as you said; "puts you in control", & probably as importantly; removes her from control or even being part of it. Your acting on your emotions rather than reacting to her narrative. I'm glad you found something that works. I'm sorry I've gotten off topic a time or two but I think this is a good opportunity to take myself off this thread. Best of luck to you OP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 hmmm. given that she was bangin' him(sorry) for 5 years or so, i guess it's kinda hard to believe all they had was vanilla sex, though. although i'm not in your position, i feel for you bro. having your wife/gf taken sexually by another is every man's worst nightmare. hoping you somehow find peace again amidst all the BS, brother. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Furious Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 I don't stop the mind movies, but instead transform the movie into one of those old silent films. The over the top gestures, the jerky roll of the film, the riiicoulous close ups, the lame piano soundtrack as the drama builds. The heavy makeup, my husband wearing eyeliner. This cracks me up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SomedayDig Posted April 18, 2012 Author Share Posted April 18, 2012 Furious...LMAO!! That's exactly it. Artie and Alice...I really listened to what you guys said and since your posts I called her and asked if I could visit her on her break to ask a couple questions. She said no problem so I met her about 45 minutes ago. I started off by saying how I've enjoyed her transparency about everything and how that really helps me to work through this stuff. Then I worked into how I've been reading a lot of things online and in books about A's and how because it's taboo and excitement that experimenting with stuff is highly likely. Then I asked her again if she ever did anything but "vanilla" sex (thanks Artie...lol) and about wearing anything special for him. I watched her extremely closely as I had also gone to several websites that give hints about what to look for when someone is lying. She never once gave any indication of holding back or outright lying when she answered me again that there was nothing but vanilla and that she never once wore anything special for him. She did say that he asked her to wear sexy things, but that she wasn't interested in doing that. Now that I've had a bit to ponder her response, it has made me think about all of the things I've read. She was banging this guy for her own selfish reasons. She wasn't doing it for him. I've also begun to realize that she wasn't even doing it against me. It was all about her own selfishness and ego-feed. And maybe that is the reason why there was nothing but vanilla and no dress up. Cuz that's not what she wanted. I do believe her. Link to post Share on other sites
Wanderer25 Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 Not to be a bummer, but I unfortunately visited one of the pro-affair sites. and the cheating women often delight in doing things with their OM that they did/offered to their husband. And remember that this is the face that cheated you for 5 years. I wouldn't be surprised if the face did not give out anything Link to post Share on other sites
Author SomedayDig Posted April 18, 2012 Author Share Posted April 18, 2012 I hear you loud and clear Wanderer. However, I have seen a very noticeable change in her behavior, body language and simply her eyes since dday. I wish to Fu%$ I had noticed that years ago. At times with this crap I have gone from looking at things from a pure emotional/ego point of view to a logical/thoughtful point of view. I don't know quite how to say it, but her demeanor...her air towards me is a 180 degree turn since dday. She knows in her heart and mind that what she did was atrocious. I can feel that in her words and in her eyes. I truly understand and I really do hear what you all are saying and I am on guard with her. Link to post Share on other sites
SandieBeach Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 Not to be a bummer, but I unfortunately visited one of the pro-affair sites. and the cheating women often delight in doing things with their OM that they did/offered to their husband. And remember that this is the face that cheated you for 5 years. I wouldn't be surprised if the face did not give out anything I can't believe I am about to give this advice since I absolutely demanded details (and when I got some details that weren't plausible, I'd find the damn truth on my own), but here it goes: Asking your WS questions where the answer will clearly show that he or she preferred the OM/OW at your expense, will never (or rarely at best) give you truthful answers. A WS can feel ashamed of his/her actions and want to work things out with BS, and admitting something like this will just hurt the BS and makes things worse. So...after getting brutal details (from my H or my own) and realizing it was not helpful to know them, I decided to just simply assume that he was telling her he loved her, that she was better and sexier than I am, that he played the part of a more attentive lover, and so on so forth... Someday, maybe your wife didn't dress up as a sexy nurse, or a slutty maid , but I am sure that at some point during the affair, she put on some sexy lingerie. It's normal to assume that in any affair. The most important thing is that she cheated on you, that you know the truth about her feelings towards the OM and lies she told you, and that she is 100% committed to save your marriage. Other than that that, does it really make a difference if she potentially put on a show for the guy? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SomedayDig Posted April 18, 2012 Author Share Posted April 18, 2012 The most important thing is that she cheated on you, that you know the truth about her feelings towards the OM and lies she told you, and that she is 100% committed to save your marriage. Other than that that, does it really make a difference if she potentially put on a show for the guy? You know what, Sandie? THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH! In those 2 sentences, you just helped me more than I think I have ever thought. Simple and true. Thank you 3 Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 OP, ( I admit that I just scanned many of the posts on here, as more than a few seem to be bickering back and forth...so If i say something out of place or that has already been said, i'm sorry, and please accept my apologies)... about her "body language"... as someone who is terrible at reading body language/non verbal cues, I have learned that it's often better to look at what someone is saying from a logical/ "informational "(?) point of view... given all the information that you have about your wife, everything she has said and all the evidence, do you feel she is being open and honest with you? I know that many will write her off automatically because she cheated for so long, but really, when it comes right down to it, is there really any difference between a two week affair that ended because the spouse got "caught", or a five year affair that ended? ( i could be wrong, but I would have to say "no", as the two week affair may well have continued if it were allowed to)... I think it is very possible that your wife really does feel remorseful for her actions, that she really does love you and wants your marriage to work... i know many may not feel that way, and they tell you because they want to help keep you from being hurt again...maybe they are wrong, maybe I am wrong, but you know what? In the end, the only one one here who knows your wife is you...what do YOU think? Do you think she's showing true remorse and a true desire to change? Is she willing to do the hard work that reconciling will take? Is she putting in the effort and not trying to take the "easy way out"? One suggestion that i would have for you is that you take some time and keep a "running letter" to her of how you feel. Add to it each day, don't hold anything back...but don't go back and change anything. Once you feel it is complete, give it to her. This is not to hurt her or "rub her nose in it" but to show her the depth of how much she hurt you...she needs to know that. It may not be easy to write, and won't be easy for her to read, but you have every right to make sure she knows the pain her actions have caused you, and it's a good thing for you to let them out and not bottle them up so they come out later in other,more hurtful ways ( I did it myself, and actually posted the letter on here a while back...for pragmatic reasons I had to wait to give it to my husband for a while, but in the end, I was glad I gave it to him. I'm not good at verbalizing my feelings, and writing them down was much easier) best of luck to you and your wife....my own opinion is that you are doing what is best for YOU, and I hope it all works out 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 say what they may(posters), it all comes down to what you want to do, Dig. you're the one who has to live with the decision. be it far from me, or anyone else to make your decisions for you, or be detrimental to your reconciliation with more inuendo. good luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SomedayDig Posted April 18, 2012 Author Share Posted April 18, 2012 Thanks Artie...innuendo is definitely not what I need right now and I appreciate you saying that. Peace, man. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 Not everyone...not even every "cheater" takes video/pics of themselves 'in the act'. It's a very, very long shot that they did and that IF they did the evidence still exists. I'm thinking that getting her drunk, then getting her angry, and then bringing up the subject of the affair is likely to do any good at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SomedayDig Posted April 18, 2012 Author Share Posted April 18, 2012 Not everyone...not even every "cheater" takes video/pics of themselves 'in the act'. It's a very, very long shot that they did and that IF they did the evidence still exists. I'm thinking that getting her drunk, then getting her angry, and then bringing up the subject of the affair is likely to do any good at all. You must be referring to something LHI commented on, as I have him on IGNORE and don't see any reference otherwise. That said and getting an idea of his comments I can say this: Getting my wife drunk and trying to provoke her would absolutely unravel every shred of work that WE have put into working this out. For anyone to even attempt to offer advice like that shows what a fool they are. Rather ignorant in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted April 18, 2012 Share Posted April 18, 2012 Agreed. Didn't realize you had him on ignore (wisely, IMHO). Won't respond or quote him again on your thread. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kt66 Posted May 11, 2012 Share Posted May 11, 2012 1 ) Get DNA tests 2) If kids are yours, kick her out 3) if they aren't yours - leave. she sounds like a nightmare who has been taking the piss out of you for years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SomedayDig Posted May 11, 2012 Author Share Posted May 11, 2012 Holy flashback Batman! LOL 1. The kids are mine. The end. Link to post Share on other sites
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