How to stop the mind movies

[nofool4u]

She owns the deception & needs to do her part to resolve that for as long as that takes. That doesn't mean you get to treat her like a door mat in ANYWAY

 

Doormat? Perhaps not, but it does mean he gets to hold her feet to the fire and expect certain things from her that a marriage demands. Such as forgoing, if any, activities that were conducive to the cheating (i.e. girls nights out, partying, drinking).

 

Sorry, but there are just certain things a betrayer should accept if they want to keep the person they effed over.

 

 

& making her tell you the details is NOT healthy for either one of you.

 

I agree completely, and I don't believe details are relevant. I've always said, details matter not, what matters is it happened at all.

 

And of course he's entitled to know the details.

 

I agree he is entitled, I just don't see the point in knowing details. She cheated and thats good enough for him to now be in the driver's seat.

[SomedayDig]

nofool...everything you wrote is exactly my mindset ~ in BOTH recent posts. Trust me guys, I totally and 100% dig where you're coming from with the "leave her" and everything, but that's not my path right now. I/we have chosen to attempt to fix the M and when that decision was made, we both understood that it is a 110% effort. And not just on her part. I have work to do on myself if I want to heal this. She, however, carries the burden of lying and deception for 5 years and that's her f'ng baggage to carry and sort out. But that doesn't mean I walk. As I said earlier, I decided yesterday that even though part of me wanted all the details (which I've gotten a ton of already), I have decided that its counterproductive to my personal healing. Honestly, I could give two ****s if it makes her uncomfortable talking about the details and I've told her so on more than one occasion. As far as I'm concerned, she owes me whatever detail I ask for and that's that. And she has provided me with answers to whatever questions I have asked. Nofool brought up the "girl's night" thing and while that specifically wasn't something she used to aid her A, she did admit to using it for attention while they were out. One girlfriend, in particular, was instrumental in their "getting out there" during girl's night. My W has agreed that the girl's nights were nothing more than flirting/attention grabbing by them and she will not be going out with them any more. She's even thought to talk to this girl and tell her so. I kind of advised against it as, quite honestly, it'd be hypocritical of her to cast a stone at this point. As for her phone, well...the day after Dday, I used a program to restore all text messages that had been deleted. She can no longer hide from what she did. I ran another program on her laptop and she was honest that there were never any emails between them, just texting and a very occasional phone call. I've started walking more and actually found out that a Planet Fitness is opening less than 5 miles from my house in a few weeks. I have a membership already at a place of there's, but its almost 20 miles away. Just got off the phone with them and they said the day the new one opens that a transfer there is a mouse click. I'm 44 and with my weight loss and light exercise, I feel better than I did at 34 right now. I look forward to hitting the weights and cardio again.

Oh, and for the record Belle...I am really not interested in anything you have to say because you're exactly what my wife was 5 weeks ago. A f'ng liar and a cheat. And guess what, even 5 weeks later...she's a liar and a cheat even after being caught and coming clean. She at least knows its going to take years to repair. You seem to have no idea what you're doing to your H. But honestly, you know what you're doing. It's called self-preservation. And that...is a pitiful excuse.

[frozensprouts]

OP,

i am very sorry that you have found yourself in the position of a betrayed spouse...it's really a horrible place to be...

 

a couple of points:

 

(a) a can understand wanting to try and reconcile. I was that way too. Mind you, it was a different situation, but I felt like I had to give things my "best shot", and that's what i did...part of that was because we have three kids, part of it was because i still loved him,and i think part of it was because i am a very stubborn person:laugh:

 

(b) I agree that you shouldn't treat your wife badly...especially if it's not in your nature to do so. Don't let her affair turn you into a person who acts in ways you don't like...the brief period of satisfaction may well be followed by a much longer period of feeling bad that you acted that way...don't let her affair turn you into someone you don't even know anymore

 

© the "mind movies " may never disappear completely, but they do fade over time. But it takes a while for that to happen, and you have to be patient( the same is true for "triggers"...places/events/situations that bring the memory of her affair back in full force)..a good thing to do is to try and create new memories that over ride the triggers....if a certan place makes you think of the affair( example, a restaurant) don't avoid it, take her to dinner there and have a great meal and enjoy yourself...make it yours and not "theirs" ( i did that with a restaurant my husband and his other woman went to. I had always wanted to try it, but after i knew they'd gone there, i'd feel bad every time we went by it...finally, i'd had enough and we went there to eat...we had a nice time ( the food was great), but after that, I didn't see it as "theirs" anymore, and it helped a lot)

 

(d) make sure that this whole thing hasn't affected your kids. Kids are very perceptive ( even mine:laugh:) and can tell when something's up with mom and dad. make sure that you are both there for them too

 

(e) be kind to yourself...you've been through the wringer and you need to take time alone for yourself to unwind and just think...even a few minutes a day is good

 

best of luck to you...

[SomedayDig]

fsprouts...thank you so much for your words. I can't tell you how close I am to all the points you made © in particular. While they never went out to dinner or drinks (they went to a hotel or his house "simply" to bang), I still have feelings about the area of the hotel AND where the OM lives because that's in MY downtown. It's a place that my W and I shared so many good times. I agree with you - I need to take back my place!

[Owl]

Someday...what are the two of you actively DOING to recover your marriage from her infidelity?

 

What is she doing to demonstrate trustworthy behavior and rebuild your trust in her now?

 

What are you doing to work through all the emotional trauma this has created?

 

What is she doing to help you?

 

Have the two of you considered marriage counseling? Individual counseling?

[SomedayDig]

Someday...what are the two of you actively DOING to recover your marriage from her infidelity?

 

Talking openly and honestly on a daily basis with her being transparent and willing to answer whatever questions I have.

 

What is she doing to demonstrate trustworthy behavior and rebuild your trust in her now?

 

One small, but simple thing I can relate is this: One thing she used to go to the OM's house was that she wanted to go shopping. Now, if she wants to go shopping she asks me when would be a good time. I set the time and she is given a limit on the time gone. She also does not hang with the girlfriends she was with when she would have "girl's night out". There are other things she does as well, but I don't want to drone on. She does seem to be working hard at this.

 

What are you doing to work through all the emotional trauma this has created?

 

I have asked questions and they have been answered. I take time alone with my thoughts and meditate, too. While not easy, it has seemed to work a bit more lately since the initial "sting" of Dday has diminished a tad.

 

What is she doing to help you?

 

As I said she is answering whatever I ask and we have nightly talks. I have begun to put a limit on the talks however, because staying up until 1am the first couple weeks took a toll on both of us. She listens to me when I am talking and doesn't interrupt, even when I say something that is a little harsh.

 

Have the two of you considered marriage counseling? Individual counseling?

 

We have been in MC for 4 weeks and have talked about IC within the practice. The MC will refer us to her colleagues for that, though as she wants to work with US.

 

 

Hope this answers some of the questions Owl and I look for any advice from any one. I don't mind if I don't agree with things as I still absorb all of the commentary. I've never been a closed minded individual.

[frozensprouts]

fsprouts...thank you so much for your words. I can't tell you how close I am to all the points you made © in particular. While they never went out to dinner or drinks (they went to a hotel or his house "simply" to bang), I still have feelings about the area of the hotel AND where the OM lives because that's in MY downtown. It's a place that my W and I shared so many good times. I agree with you - I need to take back my place!

 

yes you do need to take it back... don't let the affair ruin that space for you

 

I know you are just in the early stages of dealing with all this, but have you given much thought or sat down with your wife to talk about what you want your marriage to look like after all this? If so, what steps do you think you both need to take for you to get there?

 

a marriage can be reconciled after cheating, but each situation is different, and each couple have to find the way that works for them. it sounds like you have some support among your friends, and that's great, as it will help you through the really tough times if you have someone to talk to.

 

myself, I have chosen to treat my husband's cheating as a "learning experience and growth opportunity" for myself....mind you, I learned some things I wish I hadn't learned, and I really wish I had my "innocence" back, but some good did come out of it, and I guess that's part of what has helped me through.

[nofool4u]

Hope this answers some of the questions Owl and I look for any advice from any one. I don't mind if I don't agree with things as I still absorb all of the commentary. I've never been a closed minded individual.

 

Yes it does, and she is doing well to not get upset at the rules you have now put in place. This is NOT making her into a doormat. This is expecting her to act like a wife and show you she isn't going out on you. She had the privilege of a trusting husband. She cheated. Therefore she screwed that up.

 

She now has to adjust her behavior because she has proven that trust to her is not to be given blindly.

[SomedayDig]

That's exactly it, nofool. She's the one who literally f'd up. She knows that I am not going to blindly trust her anymore. Not only that, I told her in no uncertain terms, that if this ever happens again on any level, it is over. I did ask her if the roles were reversed would she have left me (given all the M issues we were dealing with to begin with). She said she probably would have. However, as soon as she answered that, she said that knowing and more so, understanding, the man I am that she is going to do everything that she can to earn my trust back no matter the time it takes. I HAVE put rules into place and she has actually suggested things that she can do. It is not making her a doormat. It is simply keeping it "real" as we go through this horrible ordeal. And she truly has adjusted her behavior toward me and the M. I can only explain it by saying prior to Dday, our communication had devolved into nothing more than "how was your day" kind of crap. Now, everything is talked about.

I don't know if I said it previously, but 7 years ago we suffered the tragedy of a miscarriage. To make it worse, my job as a corporate pilot had me away from home during the initial discovery. I was home for her DNC but had to leave a few days later. Each time I got home, she had grown deeper into depression and closed herself from me. I did not know how to deal with that. So, what did I do? Well, I withdrew myself. I had no idea how to approach her. I had no idea what she needed. I'm absolutely NOT condoning her search which literally "filled her void" a couple years later. However, I think looking at the full back story and knowing what set our communication issues into motion is vital to our recovery. She broke down the other night when I said exactly the following: "I'm sorry I left you on Halloween 7 years ago, and I'm sorry that it took me until March 6th to come back. But here I am and we will fix this together". I truly believe that our M suffered because of the miscarriage. It's just even more sad that she decided to take the route she did in a lame-assed effort to make herself feel better. I have sensed true honesty and I've seen a lot of guilt in her face and her words as we talk lately. I believe she is truly sorry for what she has done. Yes...it took ME discovering it while she attempted to escape from reality. But in the end, it would have come out somehow...someway. It always does.

I appreciate the support that everyone has shown me here. It certainly helps me deal with and work through this pain and betrayal. I thank you all.

[SomedayDig]

 

I know you are just in the early stages of dealing with all this, but have you given much thought or sat down with your wife to talk about what you want your marriage to look like after all this? If so, what steps do you think you both need to take for you to get there?

 

 

We have talked about that quite a bit lately. We want our marriage to be like it was when we first met. When we would truly talk to each other without fear of any repercussion. A time when we literally drove 2000 miles and listened to ONE CD ONE TIME and talked the rest. The idea of having true, open communication is our number one goal at this point. As for what we want it to "look" like...we want it to be stronger. We want it to be a true partnership. One where we can honestly depend on the other to be there in body, and most importantly, spirit.

[drifter777]

Knowing the details is NEVER a good idea. Building trust back in your relationship is the primary thing. You should be asking your MC these questions & they can possibly see you separately or refer you to someone else who can help you with this as this is your issue not hers.

 

She owns the deception & needs to do her part to resolve that for as long as that takes. That doesn't mean you get to treat her like a door mat in ANYWAY & making her tell you the details is NOT healthy for either one of you.

 

A five year affair in a twelve year marriage is substantial & there is a ton of work to be done.

 

Do you have children?

 

oldguy: Don't assume every man is just like you. For many of us, knowing the details is of paramount importance so we can understand and FEEL the extent of the betrayal. It has a direct correlation to our willingness to truly try to reconcile.

 

And this doormat stuff, what is he supposed to do? How can you tell him how to feel? This is a case of a 5-year affair in a 12-year marriage. I don't think it's gets much worse than this.

 

OP: I could not accept a woman like your wife and would file for divorce immediately. The years of hard work trying to get over the mind-movies and rebuild trust is, in my opinion, not worth it to stay married to someone who would betray you to this level. And yes, I think there are levels.

 

If you decide to continue reconciliation be prepared to suffer through the porn movies staring your wife and OM in your head for years to come. Someone early on this thread told you something like "don't worry about it man, they fade over time". Ok, but how much time? We're all different and it can take many years to overcome these horrible images. When a man's wife has an affair, there are many facets he needs to work to overcome, but the sex is usually the biggest issue. We all need to trust that our wives are shutting down the sexual advances of other men. We they give in, when the go to bed with another man, it's like a knife in the back and a spear in the heart.

 

Reconciliation can and does happen, but it's more work than you can imagine right now. Right now the mental images feel like the worst of the torture, but wait until you try rebuilding trust with someone who has crushed your heart. Wait until the "trickle truth" that your wife is withholding starts to dribble out. Just when you think it can't get any worse, is suddenly does.

 

I wish you luck and hope you can find peace.

[standtall]

Someday...the cheaters love to give you the trickle truth when caught. In their mind, it is a form of softening the blow to you. I don't think she has told you everything yet..just ask KIDD

[YellowShark]

It is simply keeping it "real" as we go through this horrible ordeal. And she truly has adjusted her behavior toward me and the M.

 

Well good luck to the both of ya.

 

I appreciate the support that everyone has shown me here. It certainly helps me deal with and work through this pain and betrayal. I thank you all.

 

Just remember this. You're shell-shocked right now. Your whole dynamic has changed. With time shall come clarity.

 

And just be wary and be careful.. because she is obviously really skilled at living 2 lives. 5 years is a long time. It's gonna take some time to refill the gas tanks full of "trust." And she has to do most of the heavy lifting.

[SomedayDig]

I appreciate that Shark. Again, man...I totally dig the be wary and careful stuff and I thank you guys for continuing to point that out. You refer to it as a gas tank and I refered to it as a bank account. She's severely overdrawn on that **** and it's gonna take a lot to get back to a positive balance - plus all the "fees" she owes!! I'm still shell-shocked, I agree, however I am doing my best to be clear in all of this. She f'd up more than anything ever. Period. She's got A LOT of work to do to regain my trust. Even then, I can't honestly say that she'll ever have full and total trust right now. It's too soon to even fathom that. Thanks again for your brutal honesty, man. It means quite a bit to me right now.

[despicableME]

Dig, you mentioned that this OM was a "friend of a friend." Does that mean that your circle of friends know about the affair. If so, what was their take on it? Have they "done away" with his type of friendship. I mean... being a man, and knowing this guy has this moral deficiency, I would suppose they'd be wary about letting him near their wives, let alone their families.

[SomedayDig]

Dig, you mentioned that this OM was a "friend of a friend." Does that mean that your circle of friends know about the affair. If so, what was their take on it? Have they "done away" with his type of friendship. I mean... being a man, and knowing this guy has this moral deficiency, I would suppose they'd be wary about letting him near their wives, let alone their families.

 

Thanks for asking. Yes, this guy is not allowed at any of our friend get togethers. The only one who is in contact with him is one male friend because they were college roomates. That said, my friend was very, very upset and let the OM have it pretty badly as I hear it. Our circle of friends now knows because the morning after I caught her, my W called them all to apologize and confess the A to them all. A few days later when we had made the decision to try to work things out, I made a call to ask for their support. Each of them have been extremely supportive of us. As a matter of fact my W just went to one of their houses to talk with one of the couples. The first time she's actually been face to face with them. I think it will be good healing for her and the husband called to let me know she got there (3 minutes away from my house) and said he would call when she leaves. I think that shows good friendship to me.

[YellowShark]

I appreciate that Shark. Again, man...I totally dig the be wary and careful stuff and I thank you guys for continuing to point that out.

 

Think of her like a drug addict. It's going to take time for her to detox from a 5-year affair. She may fall off the wagon, so keep an eye out. Remember she had you totally fooled for years.. so trust... but verify.

 

I'm still shell-shocked, I agree, however I am doing my best to be clear in all of this.

 

You're going to go through a whole range of emotions. For months. It's normal.

 

She's got A LOT of work to do to regain my trust. Even then, I can't honestly say that she'll ever have full and total trust right now. It's too soon to even fathom that. Thanks again for your brutal honesty, man. It means quite a bit to me right now.

 

It's cuz I know what it is like. To find out your whole world is a lie. What I learned is had the emotional energy been directed at you, (instead of her affair partner,) perhaps the marriage would have not gone through a big drought. (The passion and emotion that was supposed to be directed at you was directed at her affair partner.) So no wonder your marriage was strained.

 

The only part I would have real trouble letting go of is the length of the affair. That's a long time to deceive loved ones whom you live with. All those times she looked you in the eye over those years.. and not a moment of conscience.. Hmmmm... how many years was the charade supposed to continue?

 

Anyhow. Good luck. Actions speak louder than words, watch her actions rather than listen to her words.

[SomedayDig]

Wow. When we talked today, one of the things I said to her - and I told her it certainly wasn't an excuse - was that the A was like a drug and she was an addict. Holy ****, you took those words right outta my mouth! And I agree - I will be closely, very closely watching her actions more than listening to her words. We also spoke exactly of how she used her energy on the OM rather than me and THAT, in the end, is what TRULY hindered our marriage. As for her guilt - I can only take her for what she says. She claims how she stuggled with the lies and deceit. Oddly enough, I can't tell you how many times she came home from work and took an hour or so nap on the couch instead of talking to me. We brought that up too, and she admitted that was her trying to keep her lie from me. A **** ton of the truth of the past 5 years has been like drinking from a fire hose. It ain't pretty, but at least I'm getting what I've so long deserved: Some TRUE sense of communication with someone who closed herself off so long ago. Yes, the time period is huge. I struggle with the fact that she was banging the OM...hence the mind movies. However, I can tell you that today, with help from this place, they subsided a bit. Not saying I'm not gonna be rampant with them tomorrow, but this has truly helped me to get my feelings out. I have a "date" to meet with the couple my W is with tonite in a couple days. I look forward to having someone other than the MC to talk to, since they're dear friends and I was told they will hold no quarter when talking to her. They will most definitely not let her simply get away with it.

[despicableME]

Yes, the time period is huge.

 

Like I said, this was almost half of your marriage. Being that it was such a long time, did you have any inkling this was going on. I mean-- 5 YEARS, dude!

 

I don't want to pile-on, but I hope nothing happened within your home. That would be pretty hard to get over.

 

What about his BS? Was she a part of this circle of friends?

 

If you say it was a "friend of a friend," then how did they end up "hooking-up." You guys weren't close, so who pursued who? Sorry about the questioning. Just want to better understand your sitch.

[oldguy]

oldguy: Don't assume every man is just like you. For many of us, knowing the details is of paramount importance so we can understand and FEEL the extent of the betrayal. It has a direct correlation to our willingness to truly try to reconcile.

His MC agrees, it is counter productive, but that's probably because we both have degrees in mental health & in my case nearly 30 years experience in this sort of thing.

 

And this doormat stuff, what is he supposed to do? How can you tell him how to feel? This is a case of a 5-year affair in a 12-year marriage. I don't think it's gets much worse than this.

I NEVER once suggested how he should feel. I told him she needs to own what she did but that does not give him license to treat her like crap. If he wants this relationship to heal & work taking revenge will not do it.

 

OP: I could not accept a woman like your wife and would file for divorce immediately. The years of hard work trying to get over the mind-movies and rebuild trust is, in my opinion, not worth it to stay married to someone who would betray you to this level. And yes, I think there are levels.

Now who is telling someone how to feel. He has children with her & has, for now, decided to work things out. Don't you assume every man is just like you.

 

If you decide to continue reconciliation be prepared to suffer through the porn movies staring your wife and OM in your head for years to come. Someone early on this thread told you something like "don't worry about it man, they fade over time". Ok, but how much time? We're all different and it can take many years to overcome these horrible images. When a man's wife has an affair, there are many facets he needs to work to overcome, but the sex is usually the biggest issue. We all need to trust that our wives are shutting down the sexual advances of other men. We they give in, when the go to bed with another man, it's like a knife in the back and a spear in the heart.

And as I mentioned early on in this post; there is a ton of work to do & it is up to her to rebuild that trust, "for as long as it takes", & again, that doesn't give him the right to use that against her or it will NEVER work.

 

Reconciliation can and does happen, but it's more work than you can imagine right now. Right now the mental images feel like the worst of the torture, but wait until you try rebuilding trust with someone who has crushed your heart. Wait until the "trickle truth" that your wife is withholding starts to dribble out. Just when you think it can't get any worse, is suddenly does.

This is why his MC & I have recommended individual counselling in conjunction with their MC.

[oldguy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by oldguy

She owns the deception & needs to do her part to resolve that for as long as that takes. That doesn't mean you get to treat her like a door mat in ANYWAY

Quote:

Originally Posted by nofool4u

Doormat? Perhaps not, but it does mean he gets to hold her feet to the fire and expect certain things from her that a marriage demands. Such as forgoing, if any, activities that were conducive to the cheating (i.e. girls nights out, partying, drinking).

That is absolutely correct. It is up to her to earn his trust, every day for as long as that takes & after 5 years of cheating it will take a long time & that is clearly what they are in for. That does not give him license to treat her like crap. that's simply vengeful & if he employs that there is NO chance this marriage will survive.

Edited April 13, 2012 by oldguy

[despicableME]

I just find it hard to believe this was going on for 5 years, and not one of these so-called "friends" knew about it.

 

Someone had to know something was going on. I wouldn't be as trusting around any of these people again. That's just my opinion.

[YellowShark]

We also spoke exactly of how she used her energy on the OM rather than me and THAT, in the end, is what TRULY hindered our marriage.

 

It did. So don't ever be gaslit into believing it was somehow your fault why the marriage "was on the rocks." The marriage was on the rocks because all the passion and emotion was stolen from it by your wife and directed at another man. For FIVE YEARS! So it's absolutely no mystery why your marriage was suffering. It wasn't you, it was her.

 

As for her guilt - I can only take her for what she says. She claims how she stuggled with the lies and deceit. Oddly enough, I can't tell you how many times she came home from work and took an hour or so nap on the couch instead of talking to me. We brought that up too, and she admitted that was her trying to keep her lie from me.

 

My BS detector just pinned. She went on with the charade for 5 years. Guilt has nothing to do with it. She had 5 years to do the right thing and didn't. It was only when CAUGHT red-handed that the affair ended. So don't listen to her BS, she would be happily in year 6 of the affair now if it wasn't for you catching them SomedayDig. Her guilt really is based upon that she got caught, not that she was banging another man for 5 years.

 

I have a "date" to meet with the couple my W is with tonite in a couple days. I look forward to having someone other than the MC to talk to, since they're dear friends and I was told they will hold no quarter when talking to her. They will most definitely not let her simply get away with it.

 

Youre lucky. Most of my social group sided with my EX and her married affair partner. They all took the path of least resistance. Denial. Only one couple sided with me openly, and refused to socialize with my EX and her AP - (a mutual married friend in our social group.) The rest of those people I've black-holed and forgotten about, turns out they weren't true friends after all.

 

ETA..

 

And by the way.. even now.. two years later.. and removed from the situation.. I *still* have mind-movies of all the sexy pictures she sent to him with her cell phone. I am 100% sure some were the same ones she had sent to me. (I know cuz I flipped open her phone on D-Day and looked..) The mind-movies will always be there, it's up to you to not give them the power to destroy you.

Edited April 13, 2012 by YellowShark

[frozensprouts]

Op,

do you find that you feel like you don't really know your spouse? I sure felt that way after my husband cheated ( again, different situation)...

 

i think part of reconciliation is getting to know them....the "real" them, and not the idealized version we used to have before they cheated...

 

this is not as bad a thing as it sounds, but it can be a really hard thing to do...your spouse has to be willing to totally open up to you , which can be very difficult and not something that every person is able to do...

 

but, in my humble opinion, it is something that has to happen if a true reconciliation is to take place...you both have to be able to get to the root causes of her cheating, and see if it's something that she can change about herself...if not, and it's just part of "who she is", ad she's unable( or unwilling) to change that, then you may find that a true reconciliation is not possible...

 

and while I am not presenting anything you did/didn't do as a "excuse " for her cheating, this is an opportunity for the two of you to find out what works/doesn't work about your marriage and make changes accordingly.

 

I guess that's the thing...you have some choices here...you can remain stuck in your anger so that you can't move forward, or you can still be angry but make the choice to begin the process of moving on...sounds like you have chosen the latter...it's not going to be easy, but if the two of your are truly able to finally be open and honest with each other, it can happen...

for some betrayed spouses, reconciliation is not in the cards, and if that's what they feel is their path, then I'm glad they are doing what they feel is right for them...each person/ situation is different

 

again best of luck to you...it still "early days", but it does get better:)

[SomedayDig]

Like I said, this was almost half of your marriage. Being that it was such a long time, did you have any inkling this was going on. I mean-- 5 YEARS, dude!

 

I don't want to pile-on, but I hope nothing happened within your home. That would be pretty hard to get over.

 

What about his BS? Was she a part of this circle of friends?

 

If you say it was a "friend of a friend," then how did they end up "hooking-up." You guys weren't close, so who pursued who? Sorry about the questioning. Just want to better understand your sitch.

 

5 years ago March, there was a party at the friend's house. The OM being his best friend had invited him. As usual, I was flying a trip and wasn't there. Neither was the OM's BS. They met, flirted and exchanged numbers. I've read the texts and it is blatantly clear that he pushed hard to meet her all the time. There were a lot of times that she said no, and even a few where she tried to call it off. He persisted and she caved. I'm absolutely NOT giving her a f'ng pass on that, though. She still f'd the guy for 5 years and that's the truth. As for them being in our circle of friends, they aren't. No one except his best friend really knows him and I literally only met him and his BS once. Yes, it was after the A began. And yes, if I'd known it, I woulda knocked the living ***** out of him. Again, using a restoring program on my computer and putting her SIM card in it to read all of the texts shows me he was the pursuer, but she was the weak ass who responded out of pure ego and fantasy land bull*****. Oh, and she banged him in my basement spare room 3 times. That mattress set is in a f'ng landfill somewhere. F'ng pure crap that I gotta deal with that, too.