recently seperated and need

[hurts_so_bad]

so why aren`t you doing a good job today?

 

 

What do you mean? By not listening? You got me confused here! lol..

[hurts_so_bad]

I hear ya coopster. Guess I thought my situation was different. Sucks no matter what! I know we have to be strong. Its just scary to think if we put all the work in and get screwed anyway! I guess threw time it wont hurt as much even if we do....

 

Good Luck to you

[dreamingoftigers]

We all think that our situations are "different" until we get thinned on the head otherwise.

 

We all get scared of pissing off our spouse and losing them for good.

 

We all think at times that they hold the power on the relationship and the key to our happiness.

 

We are generally all wrong.

 

The bright side of this is that once we realize we are wrong about those things, we know how to fix them.

 

Have you tried to find anything on the Divorce Buster's website etc?

 

Anyways I asked where your marriage was on a scale of 1 to 10, not to generate hopelessness, but a goal.

 

What is one thing you could do that could make it a 4.5?

 

In the last year my marriage got down to a .002, I kid you not. Now I would say that it is around a seven and improving.

 

My husband has compulsivity issues coupled with an alcoholic relapse and the apprehension of our daughter. It was his final wake-up call. But truly I could've walked anytime in the last 3 years with just cause.

 

I stuck it out through the long, dark tunnel and it seems that I know more about myself and my fortitude then I thought possible. I know that even if this relationship doesn't work out that I deserve love and a family.

 

That allows me to walk with my head high.

[hurts_so_bad]

I havent really been to any other websites but this one and have been TRYING to follow the 180 steps. Maybe I was wrong judging my marriage at a 4, I dont know. Maybe its really less.....You ask what have I dont to make it a 4.5? What can I do? It says to have little contact, dont persue etc...What can I do? If she doesnt want this right now how can I make it stronger?

 

Would followig the 180 steps make it stronger?

[hurts_so_bad]

We all think that our situations are "different" until we get thinned on the head otherwise.

 

We all get scared of pissing off our spouse and losing them for good.

 

We all think at times that they hold the power on the relationship and the key to our happiness.

 

We are generally all wrong.

 

The bright side of this is that once we realize we are wrong about those things, we know how to fix them.

 

Have you tried to find anything on the Divorce Buster's website etc?

 

Anyways I asked where your marriage was on a scale of 1 to 10, not to generate hopelessness, but a goal.

 

What is one thing you could do that could make it a 4.5?

 

In the last year my marriage got down to a .002, I kid you not. Now I would say that it is around a seven and improving.

 

My husband has compulsivity issues coupled with an alcoholic relapse and the apprehension of our daughter. It was his final wake-up call. But truly I could've walked anytime in the last 3 years with just cause.

 

I stuck it out through the long, dark tunnel and it seems that I know more about myself and my fortitude then I thought possible. I know that even if this relationship doesn't work out that I deserve love and a family.

 

That allows me to walk with my head high.

 

 

I looked up divorce busting website but it seems like its another site to pay for coaching. Am I at the wrong site? If so can you please give me the link.

Thanks!

[hurts_so_bad]

went to the gym tonight and suddenly had a change of heart. Instead of feeling hurt I felt like I dont care and it feels great! I am sure it wont last but I hope it does..Not saying I dont care (of course I do) but it makes it alot easier. I think its because I am starting to see a lot of results already from the gym.

 

I always worked out when I was younger. I wasnt huge but had a very good build. after marriage for 17 years I neglected my body a bit and got a gut. The gut has already gone down and my definition is showing. I feel great!

 

Hope I can keep this feeling up!

[hurts_so_bad]

So do i !!!!

 

Gonna say one thing thou, there`s a pattern with your posting.

 

One day your fine, then next you aint.

 

Gonna ask you something, you aren`t gonna like

 

 

You not had ANY alcoholic drink in 2 weeks??? Not even 1??

 

I dont mind you asking...Not 1 in 3 weeks now, Well tomorrow..I thought the ups and downs were common though? As I posted it probably wouldnt last, It didnt! Felt like crap today! I keep analizing everything from the card to what she says, everything!

 

 

I have been reading a book called the secret which is about laws of attraction. Not attraction to people but attraction to what you want threw your mind. They say if you think about something enough (good thoughts) the universe will give it to you. Anyway, Its taught me to be greatful for what I do have which makes me less gloomy and also to think about what makes you smile. see if you think about what you have and picture what you want in your head hard enough it tunrs that empty feeling in your chest to a warn happy feeling. If you focus on all the bad thats exactly what you get back. More ad feelings...

 

The past few days I was applying it. Today was hard and just couldnt focus!

[hurts_so_bad]

Cant help to think

 

What if its over and I am just wasting my time!

 

Maybe I should take I dont love you anymore for real and stop fighting a losing battle..

 

Why do I want her back after another man has been with her?

 

Its been rough today! Sorry guys!

[darkmoon]

if you mean scrupulously doing the right thing - yes

 

BIG PLUS - you know how make her laugh xx

[hurts_so_bad]

What if??

 

What if what?

 

You put your marriage on a scale of 4, i put mine. at the start of my `separation` on 0, i.e a zero

 

Listen, Don`t believe ANYTHING she says or does . ( re 180)

 

Has she slept with this other guy??? From what you have told us about whats going on.... NO, she hasn`t!!

 

She didn`t SEND the card did she??? The way i SEE that is as a good thing, SHE DIDN`T SEND IT.

 

Don`t ever apologise for the way you feel either, esp to us lot!

 

We know how you feel.

 

I think you still have a chance, gonna listen or not?

 

You will be up and down. Been 3 weeks now?, it`ll get better.

 

Any contact lately?

 

I am not sure if she slept with him or not.... She works with this guy it was not gtoing to be mailed...The things the card said sure made it seem like she went on more than 2 dates with the guy and quite possibly she may have slept with him. I dont know for sure. I put my marriage on a scale of 4 guessing! I dont know what the levels are...I am out of the house I am paying for, She wouldnt tell me she oves me, she turned her cheeck when I went to kiss her, and she told me she is content the way things are....You tell me what that scale is? I have no idea! Could be alot less for all I know.

 

The last contact we had was Monday. I took the kids and her to the movies on Sunday. Thats the night I slept over on the couch and tried to make a move on her to no avail. I had a appointment on Monday in the area so when I was done I came back to the house to hang with the kids... When she came home she made everyone dinner including me. I then caught the 9pm bus out of dodge... We small talked earlier but when I left I said nothing. So monday is the last contact day.

 

Put it to you this way. We havent had no contact for more than 3 days since I left close to a month ago. She either texts me or calls for something or I do...Its hard to do the no contact thing with kids.. Thats exactly why I am not going up there this weekend. I want to stay away for a little while.

Edited March 8, 2012 by hurts_so_bad

[hurts_so_bad]

I thought I made it clear earlier that I moved out.. I cant stand the fact to see her go out every saturday night and not come home till morning

[hurts_so_bad]

Why did you move out? Your paying for this house? and you moved out?, then when you went there you slept on the couch???

 

WHY???

 

Yeah of course she is `content` with it, she`s living in a house paid for by you,

 

All the time you are on this roller coaster

 

.

 

Move back in, like now, like yesterday

 

This doesnt make me feel any better! please give me some advice! Can she have me removed from the home if I go there

[hurts_so_bad]

Maybe you miss understood me. I am paying some of the bills not all. I am giving $480 a week toward the house I am laid off right now ad get $480 from my union + $405 from unemployment. I give her the $480

[hurts_so_bad]

yes its my house Like I said, I am paying part not all of the bills

[dreamingoftigers]

I looked up divorce busting website but it seems like its another site to pay for coaching. Am I at the wrong site? If so can you please give me the link.

Thanks!

 

That is kind of their main push. However, They have forums where regular folk have discussed the 180 etc. The response times aren't fantastic BUT there are so many past examples that you can see more of what works and doesn't.

 

I do recommend the book Divorce Remedy for the best explanation and execution though. I also highly recommend How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. I think it best explains to men how women think/feel and vice-versa.

 

went to the gym tonight and suddenly had a change of heart. Instead of feeling hurt I felt like I dont care and it feels great! I am sure it wont last but I hope it does..Not saying I dont care (of course I do) but it makes it alot easier. I think its because I am starting to see a lot of results already from the gym.

 

I always worked out when I was younger. I wasnt huge but had a very good build. after marriage for 17 years I neglected my body a bit and got a gut. The gut has already gone down and my definition is showing. I feel great!

 

Hope I can keep this feeling up!

 

You will have days like this and that is awesome!

 

I dont mind you asking...Not 1 in 3 weeks now, Well tomorrow..I thought the ups and downs were common though? As I posted it probably wouldnt last, It didnt! Felt like crap today! I keep analizing everything from the card to what she says, everything!

 

The ups and downs ARE common, both fro. The separation, starting your 180 and from detoxing from alcohol. Expect them but they will subside over time. Exercise is excellent for regulating your body chemistry as you heal, I went hiking all through the summer and it helped tremendously. Keep up the good work!

 

I have been reading a book called the secret which is about laws of attraction. Not attraction to people but attraction to what you want threw your mind. They say if you think about something enough (good thoughts) the universe will give it to you. Anyway, Its taught me to be greatful for what I do have which

makes me less gloomy and also to think about what makes you smile. see if you think about what you have and picture what you want in your head hard enough it tunrs that empty feeling in your chest to a warn happy feeling. If you focus on all the bad thats exactly what you get back. More ad feelings...

 

The past few days I was applying it. Today was hard and just couldnt focus!

 

I went through the same process. Some days were so low that my goal seemed almost laughable, a million miles away, but I refused to give up on it, even when he was being obstinate. I made sure that I was pleasant age upbeat during our interactions. I took responsibility for what was mine, didn't take responsibility for what was his, and I let him deal with his messes. It really helped.

 

Give yourself some space when you can't focus. Learn not to be perfect and just take it as it comes.

 

Cant help to think

 

What if its over and I am just wasting my time!

 

Maybe I should take I dont love you anymore for real and stop fighting a losing battle..

 

Why do I want her back after another man has been with her?

 

Its been rough today! Sorry guys!

 

You don't have to save your marriage. HOWEVER it is recommended not to make any major relational changes in the first year of sobriety. You have children and you haven't entirely collected your thoughts on the matter yet.

 

If it were me: I say keep going until you are 100% sure that you don't want the marriage for 30 days in a row.

 

I am not sure if she slept with him or not.... She works with this guy it was not gtoing to be mailed...The things the card said sure made it seem like she went on more than 2 dates with the guy and quite possibly she may have slept with him. I dont know for sure. I put my marriage on a scale of 4 guessing! I dont know what the levels are...I am out of the house I am paying for, She wouldnt tell me she oves me, she turned

her cheeck when I went to kiss her, and she told me she is content the way things are....You tell me what that scale is? I have no idea! Could be alot less for all I know.

 

The last contact we had was Monday. I took the kids and her to the movies on Sunday. Thats the night I slept over on the couch and tried to make a move on her to no avail. I had a appointment on Monday in the area so when I was done I came back to the house to hang with the kids... When she came home

she made everyone dinner including me. I then caught the 9pm bus out of dodge... We small talked earlier but when I left I said nothing. So monday is the last contact day.

 

Put it to you this way. We havent had no contact for more than 3 days since I left close to a month ago. She either texts me or calls for something or I do...Its hard to do the no contact thing with kids.. Thats exactly why I am not

going up there this weekend. I want to stay away for a little while.

 

OK:

 

1. Don't do no contact with the kids! If I was a mom who separated and Dad had no contact with the kids for 3 days that would send me the message that he wasn't a caring Dad and that I made the right decision in the first place!

 

Your kids need their Dad.

 

I am not sure how I can break this down without sounding like a total bitch:

 

You want to present (and be) and totally together MAN, not a child or teem that she has to take care of or mother when you are around.

 

That means you go to the 180 Last Resort Technique:

 

You don't stay over everytime she invites etc. You allow friendly co tact and intimate contact but you aren't NEEDY or RESENTFUL or angry which often looks like temper tantrum.

 

You take care of your own emotional needs for now and stop showing either: neediness and desperation or it's evil counterpart: the uncaring irresponsible jackass.

 

What made the biggest difference in my r with my h was that he learned to empathize. He didn't critique me or attack my feelings by being on the defensive. He stopped making those halfhearted efforts and committed to see this through to the end one way or the other.

 

Commit, or commit to moving on. Half of a 180 is a 90, and that is entirely the wrong direction!

 

Oh yeah, if you decide to keep on 180 and work it through, it won't make anything worse. However, you only have one shot to pack it in. Something to consider. I think you actually have a shot at hauling this out of the gutter, but you have no shot if you are half hearted about it. Ever try to keep one foot on the train and the other foot on the platform? The door stays open and no one gets anywhere.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm not going to get on you about the house yet.

[hurts_so_bad]

I'm not going to get on you about the house yet.

 

 

Get on me cause I eed this advice! Please! I need to know what too do!

[hurts_so_bad]

only if you cause trouble.

 

IS IT YOUR HOME ?

 

yes its my house Like I said, I am paying part not all of the bills. But sooner or later the $ I get that I give her is goig to run out. Then there will be minimum a week in my pocket and inimum for her plus her salary. She wont afford the house. How can I possibly deal with seeing her come and go as she pleases? without saying anything?

[dreamingoftigers]

Let me get a couple things straight ( I want to take a damn nap before I have to pick my h up so I am not going to reread whole thread)

 

1. She kicked you out saying she didn't love u anymore in Jan, starting this separation?

 

2. There may be another party involved.

 

3. The home is actually in your name etc BUT because w kicked you out, you are living at (friend's brother in-law or something right?)

 

4. There is no domestic violence or restraining order, right?

 

5. You are legally married.

[dreamingoftigers]

Have you guys made any sort of agreement with separation, kids etc?

[hurts_so_bad]

why move out then??? answer that ???

 

Because she said she didnt love me anymore and wanted a seperation. We bot figured space was the best thing.

[hurts_so_bad]

Have you guys made any sort of agreement with separation, kids etc?

 

 

No just that I can see them on Sundays

[dreamingoftigers]

It may not sound like it but coop isn't giving you ****,

He's using a roundabout way to show you that as far as he knows, you have every right to be there.

 

She told you to leave and you very nicely tried to accommodate her, probably even resentfully, but probably trying to appease/avoid the conflict.

 

Have you ever heard the phrase " I'm not your friend, I'm your Mom."

 

It's kind of like that with a separating spouse:

"I'm not your friend, I'm your husband."

 

"if you dont want me and dont want to live with me, you know where the door is. You might walk away and shatter my heart, but you don't get the house and the kids too."

 

It takes very little effort to order someone out the door, but a lot to pack your own bags, get a place, leave the kids and go.

 

If she wants out, the effort should be hers.

[hurts_so_bad]

so you moved out?

 

 

yes.............

[hurts_so_bad]

Let me get a couple things straight ( I want to take a damn nap before I have to pick my h up so I am not going to reread whole thread)

 

1. She kicked you out saying she didn't love u anymore in Jan, starting this separation?

 

2. There may be another party involved.

 

3. The home is actually in your name etc BUT because w kicked you out, you are living at (friend's brother in-law or something right?)

 

4. There is no domestic violence or restraining order, right?

 

5. You are legally married.

 

She didnt kick me out, we agreed on it for a few weeks or so. we are legally married and no doestic violence