recently seperated and need

[trippi1432]

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~Author Unknown

 

Pretty sure that the entire relationship is up and down and probably has been for a lot of the 17 years, would you agree HSB? Fact is, I don't think it is as much as the fact that your wife doesn't love you, I would venture that she has tolerated as much as she can over the 17 years and is done. If you expect to just own up to the behavior over the past 17 years, the drunken nights out, the gambling and the DWI's and then sweep it under the rug....why are you at all surprised that she came out and told you about the fling and is not remorseful. Tit for Tat is still being played.

 

So, how do you end all of this, you serve her divorce papers and seal the fact that she will happily sign them. I would, as a matter a fact, I did after 15 years of putting up with similar behavior. No, HSB, I didn't cheat on my exH, he left on his own accord because he admitted that he was at the point in his life that he wanted to hit me again like he did in the early years of our relationship. In a drunken rage the night before, he hit our then 13 year old son. We talked reconciling here and there for 3 months until he took up with a married woman and moved in with her supposedly after only dating her for two weeks. That was almost 3 years ago, he is married to her now and they scream and yell at each other, he drinks in the basement and hides out listening to 80's music and sends me drunken text messages now that I have a boyfriend and reality hit him between the eyes.

 

While my situation was different, I can see exactly how things would have played out differently had I been the one to take up with another man right after my exH moved out. I wouldn't want him back....not with the 15 years of broken promises, not with the verbal, emotional and physical abuse (not saying this was your house...but you get the picture). When a woman who is trying to create a home for her family has to endure that behavior over and over and over again, each time is like stealing a piece of her soul. It kills her slowly each day until she can't even tell if she can feel anymore. Why did she have this fling....it wasn't just because she was attracted...she was running away from her past, where there used to be love for you and her family there is just emptiness.

 

While you are on the right path to making yourself better by quitting the drinking and working out...a month of this will not show her that you are changing. If you want your wife back, you need to learn that the past isn't easily buried and just as you are harboring her infidelity, she has 17 years of this past behavior to harbor as well. Instead of playing emotional games and tit for tat, why don't you ask your wife if these are some of the things she feels, if this is how she now sees things....and be truly caring about asking her, walk a mile in her shoes and apply some empathy to the fact that you are the husband, she is the wife and you are also both parents. Maturity compassion will get you a lot further than forcing her hand with divorce papers. Divorce papers get you exactly that...divorced.

[dreamingoftigers]

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~Author Unknown

 

Pretty sure that the entire relationship is up and down and probably has been for a lot of the 17 years, would you agree HSB? Fact is, I don't think it is as much as the fact that your wife doesn't love you, I would venture that she has tolerated as much as she can over the 17 years and is done. If you expect to just own up to the behavior over the past 17 years, the drunken nights out, the gambling and the DWI's and then sweep it under the rug....why are you at all surprised that she came out and told you about the fling and is not remorseful. Tit for Tat is still being played.

 

So, how do you end all of this, you serve her divorce papers and seal the fact that she will happily sign them. I would, as a matter a fact, I did after 15

years of putting up with similar behavior. No, HSB, I didn't cheat on my exH, he left on his own accord because he admitted that he was at the point in his life that he wanted to hit me again like he did in the early years of our relationship. In a drunken rage the night before, he hit our then 13 year old son. We talked reconciling here and there for 3 months until he took up with a married woman and moved in with her supposedly after only dating her for two weeks. That was almost 3 years ago, he is married to her now and they scream and yell at each other, he drinks in the basement and hides out listening to 80's music and sends me drunken text messages now that I have a boyfriend and reality hit him between the eyes.

 

While my situation was different, I can see exactly how things would have played out differently had I been the one to take up with another man right after my exH moved out. I wouldn't want him back....not with the 15 years of

broken promises, not with the verbal, emotional and physical abuse (not saying this was your house...but you get the picture). When a woman who is trying to create a home for her family has to endure that behavior over and over and over again, each time is like stealing a piece of her soul. It kills her slowly each day until she can't even tell if she can feel anymore. Why did she have this fling....it wasn't just because she was attracted...she was running away from her past, where there used to be love for you and her family there is just emptiness.

 

While you are on the right path to making yourself better by quitting the drinking and working out...a month of this will not show her that you are changing. If you want your wife back, you need to learn that the past isn't easily buried and just as you are harboring her infidelity, she has 17 years of this past behavior to harbor as well. Instead of playing emotional games and tit for tat, why don't you ask your wife if these are some of the things she feels, if this is how she now sees things....and be truly caring about asking her, walk a mile in her shoes and apply some empathy to the fact that you are the husband, she is the wife and you are also both parents. Maturity compassion will get you a lot further than forcing her hand with divorce papers.

Divorce papers get you exactly that...divorced.

 

Trippi, you articulated it so well

 

And it's totally true.

 

Divorce papers and testing for reactivity is just a way to slam that door shut and only as a last resort for someone who wants a family.

 

If she were 100% done, she would have filed herself, hardly an impossibility.

 

There's a lot of damage and sometimes it feels impossible to evaluate it objectively and take the long view.

 

Will this be a pattern? Is it forgivable? Will you hold a long-term grudge? How will it affect your children? All of those things need to be considered.

 

I don't personally know anyone that was more deserving of a divorce then my husband with his ridiculous behavior. Then our daughter was taken by family services and it hit him like a bullet. He's turned so much around. I doubt he will reclaim the old patterns. Too much to lose....

 

Many spouses HAVE turned things around. Many other situations are unworkable. It will take A LOT of time though.

 

In many cases there isn't enough interest from both parties.

 

However, sometimes it's just about being past ones limit.

She is doing a NSA relationship, which in itself does not mean much emotionally.

 

It comes down to your view in the end though. I thought I couldn't view my husband as anything else but tainted, things change.

[hurts_so_bad]

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~Author Unknown

 

Pretty sure that the entire relationship is up and down and probably has been for a lot of the 17 years, would you agree HSB? Fact is, I don't think it is as much as the fact that your wife doesn't love you, I would venture that she has tolerated as much as she can over the 17 years and is done. If you expect to just own up to the behavior over the past 17 years, the drunken nights out, the gambling and the DWI's and then sweep it under the rug....why are you at all surprised that she came out and told you about the fling and is not remorseful. Tit for Tat is still being played.

 

So, how do you end all of this, you serve her divorce papers and seal the fact that she will happily sign them. I would, as a matter a fact, I did after 15 years of putting up with similar behavior. No, HSB, I didn't cheat on my exH, he left on his own accord because he admitted that he was at the point in his life that he wanted to hit me again like he did in the early years of our relationship. In a drunken rage the night before, he hit our then 13 year old son. We talked reconciling here and there for 3 months until he took up with a married woman and moved in with her supposedly after only dating her for two weeks. That was almost 3 years ago, he is married to her now and they scream and yell at each other, he drinks in the basement and hides out listening to 80's music and sends me drunken text messages now that I have a boyfriend and reality hit him between the eyes.

 

While my situation was different, I can see exactly how things would have played out differently had I been the one to take up with another man right after my exH moved out. I wouldn't want him back....not with the 15 years of broken promises, not with the verbal, emotional and physical abuse (not saying this was your house...but you get the picture). When a woman who is trying to create a home for her family has to endure that behavior over and over and over again, each time is like stealing a piece of her soul. It kills her slowly each day until she can't even tell if she can feel anymore. Why did she have this fling....it wasn't just because she was attracted...she was running away from her past, where there used to be love for you and her family there is just emptiness.

 

While you are on the right path to making yourself better by quitting the drinking and working out...a month of this will not show her that you are changing. If you want your wife back, you need to learn that the past isn't easily buried and just as you are harboring her infidelity, she has 17 years of this past behavior to harbor as well. Instead of playing emotional games and tit for tat, why don't you ask your wife if these are some of the things she feels, if this is how she now sees things....and be truly caring about asking her, walk a mile in her shoes and apply some empathy to the fact that you are the husband, she is the wife and you are also both parents. Maturity compassion will get you a lot further than forcing her hand with divorce papers. Divorce papers get you exactly that...divorced.

 

Thanks Trippi!

 

Your story was very insightful! I guess i was looking to force her hand to scare her. its not working! however, i did take a big step today and did realize what she did was wrong instead of blaming myself. see its easier to blame yourself cause it doesnt hurt the ego as much. if i was a great husband and father for 17 years it would hurt alot more and give her no excuse for what she did. by me being the bad guy and owning up to it her cheating doesnt hurt as much! get me?

 

I was a screw up but all and all her nor my kids ever did without! We have a nice home that is ours, 4 cars, an arcade room, we always order out or go out for dinner I mean come on! Things werent that bad! what she did was wrong and i wrote her a letter last night stating that I was not only furious about her actions but ashamed of her being a booty call for a jerk who lives with someone. i also told her in the letter that, if she thinks she is making a jerk out of me and the guys girlfriend she is wrong! she is only making a jerk of herself...

 

I went from being all upset to just being disgusted with the entire situation. yes coop I know, I know! I am all over the place but so are my feelings! All I can say is yesterday she wanted me out of the house. i told her to go. today she is home and i am avoiding her like the plaque! she wants to think the grass is greener! lol....let someone else fix the hot water heater, furnace, mow the lawn, fix the brakes, etc etc etc...

 

Tonight my son and i went to the gym and I feel great that he actually took some time out to spend with his old man! I hope this feeling lasts because I feel confident and happy to know that she is missing out and doing wrong! instead of making myself miserable cause of my ego!

[hurts_so_bad]

One other thing i forgot to mention thats kind of funny and should burn my wifes ass alittle is that, when i was at the gym with my son i saw this women who works at the ups store. see i have a small side business selling on ebay, so i buy my bubble wrap and boxes there sometimes. the women who works there is beautiful and my wife was always jealous of her and thought at one time that we had a fling going on! we didnt but she thought maybe we did. anyway, she was at the gym tonight and i talked to her for about 30 seconds just saying hello. when i was done my son asked me, isnt that the lady who works at the ups store?

 

I said yes...I know damb well he is going to tell his mother...I would love to see the look on her face! lol!!!!

[trippi1432]

Thanks Trippi!

 

Your story was very insightful! I guess i was looking to force her hand to scare her. its not working! however, i did take a big step today and did realize what she did was wrong instead of blaming myself. see its easier to blame yourself cause it doesnt hurt the ego as much. if i was a great husband and father for 17 years it would hurt alot more and give her no excuse for what she did. by me being the bad guy and owning up to it her cheating doesnt hurt as much! get me?

 

Not really, but at one time someone told me my thinking was Fu*ked up, so it doesn't surprise me that I don't truly get this. :lmao:

 

 

I was a screw up but all and all her nor my kids ever did without! We have a nice home that is ours, 4 cars, an arcade room, we always order out or go out for dinner I mean come on! Things werent that bad! what she did was wrong and i wrote her a letter last night stating that I was not only furious about her actions but ashamed of her being a booty call for a jerk who lives with someone. i also told her in the letter that, if she thinks she is making a jerk out of me and the guys girlfriend she is wrong! she is only making a jerk of herself...

 

I went from being all upset to just being disgusted with the entire situation. yes coop I know, I know! I am all over the place but so are my feelings! All I can say is yesterday she wanted me out of the house. i told her to go. today she is home and i am avoiding her like the plaque! she wants to think the grass is greener! lol....let someone else fix the hot water heater, furnace, mow the lawn, fix the brakes, etc etc etc...

 

Tonight my son and i went to the gym and I feel great that he actually took some time out to spend with his old man! I hope this feeling lasts because I feel confident and happy to know that she is missing out and doing wrong! instead of making myself miserable cause of my ego!

 

I don't think that you have any problems at all HSB, truly the material things were things she just threw to the wind because, after all, you provided everything she needed and she still threw it away...what a silly B*tch!!

 

Go flex some muscle at that pretty lady at the gym, You more than deserve some strange after putting up with such a self-serving harlot like the horrid woman that was your wife of 17 years. The sooner you put yourself first, the sooner you will get over this and the whole 17 years will just feel like it happened ages ago. Time wounds all heals.

 

Happy divorce. Checking out!

[hurts_so_bad]

I know you guys think Im nuts for wanting this whole thing to work but I do...What can I say, I love her! Its not like i look like the elephant man and i am totally desperate! I am actually a very good looking guy who wont have a problem finding anyone else but love is love. what can I say! Anyway, I have been thinking of fresh tactics here...tell me what you think.

 

see I am a hard nosed dude! when she mentioned seperating I never cried, begged nothing. I was upset but not to the point where I was begging her to give it another shot...We argued more than anything afterwards. now every time we talk she says to me a month isnt long enough to prove anything to me as far as your drinking. she also says she wants to be happy.

 

Now I am wondering if this 180 thing is the best deal for me... Cause not paying any attention to her isnt going to make her happy but probably more upset with me and give her more reason not to want to be with me.

I was thinking if I am nicer to her and try to make her smile maybe I will get somewhere. Its been so long for the both of us that we have had fun together. with the house the kids, etc...most of the time it was arguing!

 

Its like we forgot to have fun! I am thinking if I took her out one night and we had some fun she may see that things can be alot better... Now if that doesnt work then I walk.

 

what do you guys think?

 

PS...Coop, please dont tell me i am all over the place again! lol!!!

[2sunny]

I am taking care if me. I'm working out not drinking, eating right. What else am I supposes to do? Of course I'm thinking abourt her too. 17 years just doesnt to away. Wish it would!

 

Oh yes it DOES go away... I was married 20 years and I rarely think about it/him anymore.

 

Once I was DONE - I was just done! When we were together I always thought of him before me...THAT was backwards!

 

Start thinking of you!

[2sunny]

The nicer you are - the more she's gonna run all over you...and she will wipe her dirty feet on you too.

[hurts_so_bad]

We spoke very little...only about stuff regarding the kids and house. thats really about it aside for the notorious conversation I posted about earlier in the week. Which wasnt a good one! Anyway, I guess I am trying to do whatever I can to manipulate her into loving me again. I have very little patients as you guys can probably tell! I need to just sit back and relax and let whats coming to me or not coming to me happen.

 

Its F'd up but it seems its become more of a competion to me then anything else. I feel she is out having fun and it kills me that I am not! Ive been doing all the right things and have been going out but the fun isnt really there cause my mind is focused on her.

 

Im probably going to leave again wednesday. I know you guys said stay home but I just feel she thinks I am here for her and I dont think that is going to help the situation. If anything I think its going to push her further away being I am here. What do you guys think?

[hurts_so_bad]

The nicer you are - the more she's gonna run all over you...and she will wipe her dirty feet on you too.

 

 

 

lol!!!! sunny u are a women right? just funny how you like so against women and not pro-women!

[2sunny]

lol!!!! sunny u are a women right? just funny how you like so against women and not pro-women!

 

I never post because of gender - I post for doing what's right and best (from my experience and perspective) based on what the poster types.

 

When I see someone causing harm to self or others - I point it out. It's never about which gender starts a thread - that is beside the point.

[dreamingoftigers]

We spoke very little...only about stuff regarding the kids and house. thats really about it aside for the notorious conversation I posted about earlier in the week. Which wasnt a good one! Anyway, I guess I am trying to do whatever I can to manipulate her into loving me again. I have very little patients as you guys can probably tell! I need to just sit back and relax and let whats coming to me or not coming to me happen.

 

Its F'd up but it seems its become more of a competion to me then anything else. I feel she is out having fun and it kills me that I am not! Ive been doing all the right things and have been going out but the fun isnt really there cause my mind is focused on her.

 

Im probably going to leave again wednesday. I know you guys said stay home but I just feel she thinks I am here for her and I dont think that is going to

help the situation. If anything I think its going to push her further away being I am here. What do you guys think?

 

Oh FFS!

 

Just pick one direction and stick with it.

 

Show her consistency. Show yourself some decency and care.

 

Read the damn Divorce Remedy, keep to your recovery and get some counseling.

 

You have the same level of impulse control as my husband.

 

Stay in the damn house until you have a little more recovery under your belt and your brain is a little more sorted. Keep with the gym.

 

Don't put your KIDS through this "I'm in, I'm out, I'm here, I'm not, what does your Mom want from me? Oh I'm made at her, no I'm not, yes I am."

 

Just STICK in your own home. Youve got to get yourself under control.

 

You don't know whether you are coming or going, how can your wife?

 

Get some L-Tyrosine for impulse control. It might not help but it can't hurt!

[hurts_so_bad]

ok guys made up my mind on my own. I left....I cannot deal with being there and worrying if she goes out! Its not healthy for me and it drives me nuts! I look at it this way. With me being there she feels I am there to stop her. In some cases she is right. This is only going to make things worse. I know everyone says be there for the kids but look at it this way.

 

If I stay and it completely destroys any possability of our arriage working again then its temporary anyway cause we will end up divorced and I will only see them once a week if that. If I leave now and we can reconcile then I can be with my kids all the time...

 

Its a chance no matter what but I think this way is the better option and may give her a real chance to see how it is without me. The first time I left we text and talked a few times a week. This time I a going to end that and see how it goes.

 

I am feeling and looking better every day. Who knows! Maybe by the time she does say she wants me back I will be gone...Maybe she wont and hopefully by that time I will have someone else! I do love her but I gotta look out for me first! Sumer is coming!

[hurts_so_bad]

Oh FFS!

 

 

 

Read the damn Divorce Remedy, keep to your recovery and get some counseling.

 

Hey Dreaningoftigers

 

Where can I read this divorce remedy? I looked online but it appears to be a book I have to buy....

 

Thanks!

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes, it's a book.

 

Put the KIDS first before whatever is going to happen with your marriage.

 

How is your relationship with them?

[standtall]

Hurt..this is why a lot of people checked out on you a while ago on this thread. Dude, like you were told time and time again in this thread you need to fix yourself first.

[hurts_so_bad]

No I am not drinking but this is liking me! What else am I supposed to do? I fee that she wants out and I am only killing myself and any chance of reconcile. Why is iy a bad thing to feel that way? By the way. She asked if I would move back in and she will get a apartment. She can't afford the bills on her own. Coop u keep saying I don't care about anyone but myself....I don't get it? My wife always said that! Maybe its something I'm not seeing!

[hurts_so_bad]

Sorry for all the misspelling I am on my cell and its hard to type with the keypad.

[2sunny]

Sometimes - so much damage has been done for years - that when the drinking stops - the damage has already been done...and she may have already decided she is done with your past behavior. It's difficult for them to believe anything may stay changed because usually the drinker goes back to drinking.

 

You need to focus on staying sober - and long term...for anyone to believe it to be true.

 

Let her do what she's gonna do - you focus on doing YOUR best - just for today.

[hurts_so_bad]

Im a little confused here! She is the one running around with a boyfriend. How am I the bad guy? I'm supposed to just air back and be treated like a total moron while she goes out? I'm supposed to do nothing and be one of the guys on the website for 3 years hoping she will change? I don't get it!

[2sunny]

Im a little confused here! She is the one running around with a boyfriend. How am I the bad guy? I'm supposed to just air back and be treated like a total moron while she goes out? I'm supposed to do nothing and be one of the guys on the website for 3 years hoping she will change? I don't get it!

 

Ya know? You might benefit from getting a solid, healthy boundary!

 

IF I was married to someone who chose to have a piece of ass on the side - I think I'd decide that it broke our marital vows that WE agreed to! Then I'd end the M as quickly as possible!

 

Oh ya - I DID DO THAT! I took back MY self respect when I did it, too! I'm sure my 23 years with him is longer than yours.

 

THAT is what action and a boundary looks like!

[hurts_so_bad]

I got the divorce papers but dont know if I want to use them. Someone, "Probably coop" told me not to if I dont want to. I did get them but even if I wanted too you need a damn lawyer. I am in NY and the paperwork is ridiculous! there are questions on the paperwork that are chinese to me! Guys I know I am all over the place but I really and truely dont know what to do and thats why I am. I want my family back and I have tried all sorts of stupid games to no avail! Its only been 5 weeks but it does kill me that she had to run around with another guy. I thought she was better than that! I guess I just gotta sit back and be appreciative of what I do have and know that something good will come of this sooner or later...

[2sunny]

You will still have your family. You just won't have the cheating wife.

 

Stay sober - things will become more clear.

 

Without your wife being IN this marriage - there is NO M! That's what you're so delusional about... You think she's there but she's not!

[2sunny]

until divorce day, they are still married.

 

Not if she's not participating like she's "all in" on the marriage!

 

Her actions show she's not in!

[hurts_so_bad]

I dont know if she is all in or all out. I do know there is another guy though for sure. I laid my heart out two weeks ago to her and told her I wanted my faily back..She acted really weird and said that she has changed. Changed how? I dont get it? Then she says to me, Yu think one onth changes everything! but yet yesterday The first day I decide to take a bag out of the house and stay in brooklyn where I will be living she texts me, "are you coming home tonight or should I lock up?" what does she care? Then she texts me she spoke to the kids and she has decided to move out to a apartment cause she cant afford the bills in the house. She asked if I wated to stay with the house so we dont lose it. She keeps telling everyone she doest know how she is going to feel in 6 months etc etc....I dont know, I am so damn tired of all the bull**** I should just tell her to sell the damb house! but I know that would hurt my kids!