MM/OW Sex with BS...Dealbreaker???

[MissBee]

I post where I choose. I have had people thank me for telling them some truths which are valid across any number of situations. One being that lying and sneaking is a lousy character trait whether it be in an A situation or elsewhere. You don't have to have been in a years long A to know that.

Perhaps being in a years long A makes some want to forget it though.

 

I wonder about that....it is a likely possibility.

[skywriter]

18YTL,

 

I never even considered discussing MM and W's personal life with him. I did ask him why he was having an A? To which he claimed, "It is you Skywriter". "I've never been with another woman since my W and I married, until you".

 

To which, I got the sick feeling in my gut that he wasn't being entirely truthful. However, I just tucked that feeling away and thought to myself, regardless of what is or isn't true, this is not something that is good for me.

[frozensprouts]

 

Disappointment is based on unmet expectations. Perhaps infidelity would be less devastating if people had more realistic expectations.

 

for some of us, lower our expectations would be making us even unhappier still...

 

it took me a long time to learn that my self esteem and sense of well being can only come from within myself...it's not fair for me to expect someone else to do that for me...

lowering my expectations and standards would do nothing more than make me unhappy and feel bad

[Lostinlife4now]

I post where I choose. I have had people thank me for telling them some truths which are valid across any number of situations. One being that lying and sneaking is a lousy character trait whether it be in an A situation or elsewhere. You don't have to have been in a years long A to know that.

 

Perhaps being in a years long A makes some want to forget it though.

 

 

Well donnamaybe...I am curious though..Have you had an A or have you been the BS?

 

I don't post in areas that I know nothing about...So why do you???

[donnamaybe]

Well donnamaybe...I am curious though..Have you had an A or have you been the BS?

 

I don't post in areas that I know nothing about...So why do you???

 

Are you trying to say that someone who hadn't been a confirmed AP or BS knows nothing about lying and sneaking and what those behaviors mean in a person? Wow. I guess if you haven't been in an A you are living in a vacuum.

[FelicityShot]

Are you trying to say that someone who hadn't been a confirmed AP or BS knows nothing about lying and sneaking and what those behaviors mean in a person? Wow. I guess if you haven't been in an A you are living in a vacuum.

 

Well, I've been all sides and don't mind saying.

 

But as you comment so often on the forums relating to infidelity, I have also wondered about your history.

[bentnotbroken]

Well donnamaybe...I am curious though..Have you had an A or have you been the BS?

 

I don't post in areas that I know nothing about...So why do you???

 

 

It seems that parts of the affair dynamic....everyone knows something about. We have all encountered those who lie, deceive, manipulate and generally play the talking donkey part really well. It doesn't take the dynamics of an affair to comment on those undesirable character trait. I believe there are many thing in life that no us can personally attest to having participated in, but comment non the less.

[Stellar Wench]

I don't post in areas that I know nothing about...So why do you???

Is this a joke or all cheaters obtuse or elitist?

You don't have to abuse drugs to know drugs are harmful.

You don't have to murder someone to know that murder is wrong and illegal.

You don't have to be single to know that dating sometimes sucks.

You don't have to be obese to know how to lose weight.

You don't have to be a cheater or cheated on to know that infidelity is wrong.

 

It seems to me that this place is sorely lacking common sense.

[MissBee]

Is this a joke or all cheaters obtuse or elitist?

You don't have to abuse drugs to know drugs are harmful.

You don't have to murder someone to know that murder is wrong and illegal.

You don't have to be single to know that dating sometimes sucks.

You don't have to be obese to know how to lose weight.

You don't have to be a cheater or cheated on to know that infidelity is wrong.

 

It seems to me that this place is sorely lacking common sense.

 

Precisely....

 

It's a rather immature rhetorical strategy. There are indeed some things in life that only experience can show you but many other things do not require you to have done it to be able to make sensible, useful observations about it.

[OpenBook]

It seems to me that this place is sorely lacking common sense.

 

Love is anything but sensible.

 

And nobody is forcing you to post here, if our lack of common sense bothers you that much. The Internet is a big wide world.

[Stellar Wench]

Love is anything but sensible.

 

And nobody is forcing you to post here, if our lack of common sense bothers you that much. The Internet is a big wide world.

Who said anything about love? This forum is to discuss affairs and cheating.

[donnamaybe]

Who said anything about love? This forum is to discuss affairs and cheating.

 

A gem amongst the rubble.

[Ms. Red]

 

I don't post in areas that I know nothing about...So why do you???

 

Or obviously disgusts and upsets. I posted the following before and it makes total sense to me.

 

I think some ppl want to be upset and disgusted. I think some ppl want to moan and groan about the mis deeds of others. I think some ppl are lifted up and feel superior when coming to a forum that discusses something that is blatantly against their code. I do not see a reason why they would visit such a forum if they didn't gain something positive from the experience.

 

I loath street racing. It hurts and kills innocent ppl. It upsets me to read about the activities of street racers. Therefore, I never visit the forums where street racing is discussed. It upsets me and I avoid things that upset me. It makes no sense to hang out in a forum that results in such a negative feeling for me.

[Stellar Wench]

Or obviously disgusts and upsets. I posted the following before and it makes total sense to me.

 

I think some ppl want to be upset and disgusted. I think some ppl want to moan and groan about the mis deeds of others. I think some ppl are lifted up and feel superior when coming to a forum that discusses something that is blatantly against their code. I do not see a reason why they would visit such a forum if they didn't gain something positive from the experience.

 

I loath street racing. It hurts and kills innocent ppl. It upsets me to read about the activities of street racers. Therefore, I never visit the forums where street racing is discussed. It upsets me and I avoid things that upset me. It makes no sense to hang out in a forum that results in such a negative feeling for me.

Who said anything about being upset? To be upset would assign it value.

 

In this thread, I read a lot of people threatened by the truth, but no one upset about telling it.

 

The truth has no agenda.

[18Years2Late]

Looks like the little down time LS took the other day worked well...site running fast...and they must have started allowing new users too...or really old ones disguised with new names...welcome back...musta been killin u huh?...what did u do with that stellar amount of free time?...

[LifesontheUp]

Yeah... seriously Wow!! ... that anyone would be unable to grasp the simple application of realistic expectations. Mind boggling, isn't it?

 

If we need to go ridiculous, why not ask if someone being murdered shouldn't simply lower their expectations to accept the reality they are being murdered?

 

 

The ridiculous for me is when it was said that infidelity would be less devastating if expectations were lowered.

 

Obviously it doesn't apply to everything in your life SMO. It sounds like its just appropriate to use when a cheater cheats.

 

I wouldn't lower my expectations for anything. I'm true to myself. Are you being true also? Or is it just when it suits?

[SoMovinOn]

The ridiculous for me is when it was said that infidelity would be less devastating if expectations were lowered.

 

Yeah... it was an interesting interpretation - Reality = lowered expectations.

I don't know if such ridiculousness comes from an inability to grasp reality, or if it's just a reading comprehension problem.

 

 

Obviously it doesn't apply to everything in your life SMO. It sounds like its just appropriate to use when a cheater cheats.

 

I'm not sure when people would use it. It's not something I'd ever do.

 

I wouldn't lower my expectations for anything. I'm true to myself. Are you being true also? Or is it just when it suits?

 

I'm just me. I never feel the need to puff up my chest and pat myself on the back about it.

[woinlove]

SMO, like others, I don't understand your point. Statistics suggest that cheating on taxes is substantially more common than cheating on a spouse. Do you think the IRS should just accept this reality and basically stop trying to enforce tax laws?

 

Yes, the reality is that some people do lots of harmful things, to themselves and to others. However, most of us look at that reality and decide we want to treat ourselves and others better than that.

 

Also, when someone hurts us, the pain doesn't disappear just because we aren't the only person to have ever been hurt. People hurting because of the selfish/dishonest behavior of others is part of caring and being connected to others. Sure, you can close yourself off from others and avoid that kind of pain, but then you also miss out on the joys that come with love, intimacy and connection to others. So I think that is a very poor bargain. Perhaps you choose that type of bargain, but you are unlikely to convince others that it is a good way to live.

[MissBee]

Yea....I don't think lower your expectations is the solution.

 

I think being open and honest and creating a relationship arrangement that works for you is what people need to do.

 

I cannot imagine marrying someone whom I didn't feel like I could tell everything to, from the smallest to the most serious of things. But I suppose a good any kind of relationship has to start with your own self honesty. As those who lie to themselves, especially unwittingly, cannot help but lie to others too, as they themselves don't know heads from tails so cannot express that to another.

 

I think we are well aware that people have all kinds of relationship setup. I do believe monogamy is not for some, so if that is you, be honest with yourself and others and don't marry anyone, or if you do, marry someone whose views on relationships is in accord with yours. Marry someone with whom you have discussed this possibility and especially, marry someone whom if and when things change in your relationship, you can feel free to renegotiate your relationship.I think that works better than simply walking around life with lowered-expectations.

[Stellar Wench]

Looks like the little down time LS took the other day worked well...site running fast...and they must have started allowing new users too...or really old ones disguised with new names...welcome back...musta been killin u huh?...what did u do with that stellar amount of free time?...

My, you are a cliquey group.

Sorry more than one person agrees with me on facts that you don't like to face.

[Stellar Wench]

Yea....I don't think lower your expectations is the solution.

 

I think being open and honest and creating a relationship arrangement that works for you is what people need to do.

 

I cannot imagine marrying someone whom I didn't feel like I could tell everything to, from the smallest to the most serious of things. But I suppose a good any kind of relationship has to start with your own self honesty. As those who lie to themselves, especially unwittingly, cannot help but lie to others too, as they themselves don't know heads from tails so cannot express that to another.

 

I think we are well aware that people have all kinds of relationship setup. I do believe monogamy is not for some, so if that is you, be honest with yourself and others and don't marry anyone, or if you do, marry someone whose views on relationships is in accord with yours. Marry someone with whom you have discussed this possibility and especially, marry someone whom if and when things change in your relationship, you can feel free to renegotiate your relationship.I think that works better than simply walking around life with lowered-expectations.

The only reason anyone, dating or cheating, would lower their expectations is if they aren't able to do better for themselves. The issue lies within them. Good news is they always have to power to improve themselves and their circumstances.

[Stellar Wench]

The only reason anyone, dating or cheating, would lower their expectations is if they aren't able to do better for themselves. The issue lies within them. Good news is they always have to power to improve themselves and their circumstances.

Now that I've thought more about it, what is disturbing about this board especially is that the majority of posts communicate that it is okay to disrespect yourself and others. It's never okay in any relationship to disrespect yourself and it's never okay to disrespect others.

[18Years2Late]

The point of my OP was not about lowering expectations at all...the point was that I never closed my eyes to the REALITY in front of me or pretended that those REALITIES didn't exsist...did that keep me from getting hurt?...absolutely not...I was hurt for numerous other reasons...just not that xMM was having sex with his W...so it's really not about "lowering" expectations...it's about accepting (expecting) the reality of the situation...no one should ever lower their expectations for anyone...if you have to do that to "force" a R with anyone...it's not love or a healthy R...IMO...when I decided my expectations weren't being met...when it was discovered that those expectations were based on lies I was told...I walked...as anyone else should...did it hurt any less?...nope...but now I have some new and improved expectations and realities...everything happens for a reason...

[MissBee]

The point of my OP was not about lowering expectations at all...the point was that I never closed my eyes to the REALITY I front of me or pretended that those REALITIES didn't exsist...did that keep me from getting hurt?...absolutely not...I was hurt for numerous other reasons...just not that xMM was having sex with his W...so it's really not about "lowering" expectations...it's about accepting (expecting) the reality of the situation...no one should ever lower their expectations for anyone...if you have to do that to "force" a R with anyone...it's not love or a healthy R...IMO...when I decided my expectations weren't being met...when it was discovered that those expectations were based on lies I was told...I walked...as anyone else should...did it hurt any less?...nope...but now I have some new and improved expectations and realities...everything happens for a reason...

 

The lowered expectations aspect folks are addressing is in reference to something SMO said about people needing to lower their expectations...not the original post (as forum conversations go...after a few pages the convo transforms to something quite different from what was originally brought up lol)

[Lostinlife4now]

Who said anything about love? This forum is to discuss affairs and cheating.

 

You know that old saying "until you have walked in my shoes"......post elsewhere...jus sayin"!!!