beenburned Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 I don't know what my FWS told his OW. But we have always had a good and regular sex life.(avg. was twice a week)(daily on our vacations) I find it strange that a person gets involved with a known married person, then expects them NOT to have sex with their spouse.That would cause major suspicions in a normal married sex life. Most all MM lie to their OW.(especially lying by ommission) But most OW don't find out about it until the affair is over with.(especially if there was a d-day) Think about it, you have a MM that disrespects his wife enough to lie and cheat on her. What makes you think he will treat any other woman any differently? Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 Hi FS! I did not assume...He told me emphatically that he WAS NOT having sex with his W....and I believed him. Stupid me. i just figured that a lot of people would assume that if someone was considering having an affair, then there must be something wrong in their marriage ( and lack of sex seems to be a pretty common problem) I guess it falls right along with the lies a lot of married people who cheat tell....things like: we are "separated" but still living together ( not saying that doesn't happen, but it seems to be a pretty common lie) we are more like brother and sister we never have sex we don't get along at all etc. etc. etc. ( too bad the married people who cheat aren't honest with their spouses, affair partners and themselves...it would prevent a lot of heartache) Link to post Share on other sites
FelicityShot Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 IME, men in sexless Ms have a particular vibe. The sense of frustration is palpable - to the point of ill-disguised bitterness, often combined with love and respect for the MP. And then again, some MM are accomplished actors. It's not so much the actual sex with a BS that would be a dealbreaker for me - but knowing about regular sex in the M would indicate a happy, intimate M. In my case xAP told all and sundry that he and his W had broken months of abstinence on the sex front. There was a celebration to mark the fact. Naturally, this coincided with the end of the A. I'd say he was pretty honest to me about it. In the end, painfully so. Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 Yes I assumed...but I assumed they WERE having sex...even though I wasn't told either way...I don't understand why OW/OM assume otherwise...regardless of what they are told by an expert liar... I don't understand why one would assume otherwise either (although I understand foolishly believing a liar, having done it myself.) I'm a bit surprised at the number who think MM is not having sex or who say it would be a deal breaker, when we hear fairly often on LS that "it just happened", "neither of us expected to end up in an A" as if what is special is the two people involved and not the lack of sex in his M. Link to post Share on other sites
Lostinlife4now Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 i just figured that a lot of people would assume that if someone was considering having an affair, then there must be something wrong in their marriage ( and lack of sex seems to be a pretty common problem) I guess it falls right along with the lies a lot of married people who cheat tell....things like: we are "separated" but still living together ( not saying that doesn't happen, but it seems to be a pretty common lie) we are more like brother and sister we never have sex we don't get along at all etc. etc. etc. ( too bad the married people who cheat aren't honest with their spouses, affair partners and themselves...it would prevent a lot of heartache) Yes Frozen....It would prevent a lot of heartache!!!! All the things you just mentioned were said to me.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author 18Years2Late Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 I guess for me it was a little different...those who have followed my story know my xMM was a LLL...he found me on Facebook...neither of us had any intentions of things going where they did...he lives 1800 miles away...so the first 6 months we just spent talking and catching up about each others lives and families for the last 15+ years...yes know with my PhD in A's I know that we were building "intimacy" then but at the time it just seemed like I was talking to any other friend...everything was open and honest then bc of course there was no PA yet so he had no reason to lie and cover up anything...and as far as I could tell...there was nothing wrong with his M...everything was normal status quo, etc. over in his time zone...now I wasn't there but that's what I observed from afar...so maybe that's why I just assumed that he was still having sex with his W...and it never came up...I had my own predetermined assumptions... Someone mentioned that the sex wouldn't be a dealbreaker but "real love" and/or true intimacy with the W (or OW on the flip side) would be a dealbreaker...I can soooooooo relate to that... xMM and I met in the state we grew up in for a few days...it was our second "trip"...by this time BS was getting VERY suspicious...I told him we could cancel the trip...I begged him not to get on the plane...I knew what would happen...but he didn't listen...so we're at a college football game and I can tell that he's really really nervous and uptight because he had been trying to call W all morning with no answer...but now he can't "hide" to do it...so I told him "look if you need to call her...go ahead...I don't mind...I can tell your stressed out so if it will ease your mind...please call her"...he said "really? It's OK?"...I said "really it's more than ok"...and it really was...UNTIL...she didn't answer again...so he left her a message...and at the end of the message be said "I LOVE YOU"...it was like one of those habit type things but still it crushed the wind out of me...I choked back tears for the rest of the day...all I wanted to do was go home...to get away from so someone so selfish and thoughtless...it was the beginning of the end for me...even if there had never been a dday...I had so graciously tried to make him feel better by giving him permission to call his W in front of me...and he says "I LOVE YOU"...right in front of me...I mean was that really necessary?...if it is something u say all the time after phone calls simply out of habit...couldn't u have just skipped it that one time you thoughtless POS?... So sex with W not a problem for me...totally expect it...lack of respect for my feeling while YOUR STANDING RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME...will not be tolerated at anytime from anyone...what u do behind my back it's up to you... Link to post Share on other sites
half_ofa_heart Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 I have always known that MM has sex with his W! He has never lied about it and when I ask when - he tells me even though he knows it's going to KILL me. I hate thinking about it and know it goes on. It is the hardest part for me about this whole thing. It is the ONLY thing I struggle with on a daily basis and one thing I do know is they are not having sex daily. Their 4-year old still sleeps in between them and has since she was an infant. I know he is married and sex is a part of that. My struggles have always been about knowing he loves me yet having sex with someone else. Those don't usually go hand in hand. Not for me at least. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 It is the ONLY thing I struggle with on a daily basis and one thing I do know is they are not having sex daily. Their 4-year old still sleeps in between them and has since she was an infant. I know he is married and sex is a part of that. My struggles have always been about knowing he loves me yet having sex with someone else. Those don't usually go hand in hand. Not for me at least. You don't know for fact that every.single.night their 4 year sleeps with them. Maybe she wakes up at some point and joins them in the middle of the night.. That has nothing to do with their sex life though. So, to say "you know they aren't having sex daily" sorry, it's something you really don't know for sure. Only they know what happen behind closed doors. Half, your struggles seem painful..I hope you either accept things as they are or end it. He also just isn't having sex with his wife, he's LIVING life with her, doing family stuff, going out, bonding as a family.. I feel for you - You deserve a one on one loving relationship with a man.. Just sadly for you, it won't ever be with him. Not sure why you hang on? Sorry, I know you didn't ask for my 2 cents there, but I had to reply. Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 If being a cheating snake isn't a dealbreaker, what difference does it make if he has sex with his wife? :confused: Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 I have always known that MM has sex with his W! He has never lied about it and when I ask when - he tells me even though he knows it's going to KILL me. I hate thinking about it and know it goes on. It is the hardest part for me about this whole thing. It is the ONLY thing I struggle with on a daily basis and one thing I do know is they are not having sex daily. Their 4-year old still sleeps in between them and has since she was an infant. I know he is married and sex is a part of that. My struggles have always been about knowing he loves me yet having sex with someone else. Those don't usually go hand in hand. Not for me at least. i agree with you...i am a big believer in monogomy what will happen as the little girl gets older and no longer sleeps between them in the bed? How will you feel then? Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 I have always known that MM has sex with his W! He has never lied about it and when I ask when - he tells me even though he knows it's going to KILL me. I hate thinking about it and know it goes on. It is the hardest part for me about this whole thing. It is the ONLY thing I struggle with on a daily basis and one thing I do know is they are not having sex daily. Their 4-year old still sleeps in between them and has since she was an infant. I know he is married and sex is a part of that. My struggles have always been about knowing he loves me yet having sex with someone else. Those don't usually go hand in hand. Not for me at least. We had our child in bed with us also for quite some time, but we had sex in every room in the house but our bed. My H was and still is having sex with me, even throughout his A's. Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 i can only speak for myself, but i don't want to have sex with someone who is having sex with someone else...to me, it's unacceptable, and something i have not knowingly done ( to ammend that, i did once, when i was very young and my boyfriend was abusive...i did n ot do so by choice) maybe i'm a prude ( and i have a sneaking suspicion that i am:laugh:), but to me, sex represents more than just a good time, but it's the ultimate expression of a bond between two people, and there is not room in there for anyone else. Others may feel differently, and that's fine, as long as no one gets hurt or lied to. I just don't feel it's right for me, and so i won't knowingly allow it to happen to me...simple as that. Link to post Share on other sites
frozensprouts Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 We had our child in bed with us also for quite some time, but we had sex in every room in the house but our bed. My H was and still is having sex with me, even throughout his A's. same here...all our kids shared our bed for at least a little while (I'm partly deaf and that way I knew for sure I'd hear them in my sleep when they needed me...also, they are babies for such a short time:( and i wanted to have as much time with them as possible) even with that...my husband and i had lots of sex ( we've got the three kids to show it:laugh:) Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 No...you're wrong about that...loved him then...love him now...loved him for the past 20 years...but to quote MsBee...loving him doesn't make him not a shyte head (I altered it a little)...loving him doesn't mean he's right for me or that he deserves me...love is not jealous, or competitive, or boastful, or anything else that should hurt...and it shouldn't make me delusional... What grounds do u have to say that? Please explain? Very true! I see so many going over the cliff for "love" and I just cannot condone it, as often it is not love at all. If you love someone who is hiding you, lying to you, can't give you what you want and need, doesn't love you more than their current setup etc...then love on while you move on! I personally don't see the point or what one benefits from a mere feeling if it cannot be translated into a force of change in your life I believe you can have more than one good match and if one of yours is a MP with whom the relationship is leading you to negative qualities and in which you always have to make excuses and defend it etc...then perhaps you should love them from afar as you find one of your other BETTER matches. As sorry to say...if a MP who is not leaving their life is the one you're enamored with....how can they be your BEST match??? They're not. Your best match will also come with the right circumstances. It's not about perfection but when it is insurmountable or when this person isn't making any changes...then don't be scared to walk on by. Link to post Share on other sites
SoMovinOn Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 I find it strange that a person gets involved with a known married person, then expects them NOT to have sex with their spouse.That would cause major suspicions in a normal married sex life. Exactly. If you want to keep the A secret, the last thing you want is for MAP to change anything at home. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 I have always known that MM has sex with his W! He has never lied about it and when I ask when - he tells me even though he knows it's going to KILL me. I hate thinking about it and know it goes on. It is the hardest part for me about this whole thing. It is the ONLY thing I struggle with on a daily basis and one thing I do know is they are not having sex daily. Their 4-year old still sleeps in between them and has since she was an infant. I know he is married and sex is a part of that. My struggles have always been about knowing he loves me yet having sex with someone else. Those don't usually go hand in hand. Not for me at least. Nope...you only hope you know this to be a fact. You can't know anything if you aren't a fly on the wall while they are doing the do. Link to post Share on other sites
FelicityShot Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 Nope...you only hope you know this to be a fact. You can't know anything if you aren't a fly on the wall while they are doing the do. True. People who have sex either use it, or they share something special. No other person is (usually) privvy to the exact nature of it - and the two people who shared will take the sex only/soulmate/could have been more/used you/I eat cake/beautiful one off/best sex ever/well really you might have learnt a thing or two by now/ etc I honestly hope people take the best of it - it's a speciasl thing. Link to post Share on other sites
missjones Posted February 3, 2012 Share Posted February 3, 2012 Very true! I see so many going over the cliff for "love" and I just cannot condone it, as often it is not love at all. If you love someone who is hiding you, lying to you, can't give you what you want and need, doesn't love you more than their current setup etc...then love on while you move on! I personally don't see the point or what one benefits from a mere feeling if it cannot be translated into a force of change in your life I believe you can have more than one good match and if one of yours is a MP with whom the relationship is leading you to negative qualities and in which you always have to make excuses and defend it etc...then perhaps you should love them from afar as you find one of your other BETTER matches. As sorry to say...if a MP who is not leaving their life is the one you're enamored with....how can they be your BEST match??? They're not. Your best match will also come with the right circumstances. It's not about perfection but when it is insurmountable or when this person isn't making any changes...then don't be scared to walk on by. Missbee - you hit the nail on the head! Sooo true. Link to post Share on other sites
Auntie Em Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 Ok I'm starting the thread... It's apparent that there's an obscene # of OW/fOW who believe/are told by MM that the don't have sex with their W. I'm having trouble comprehending this. I wanted to see if I'm alone. When you (general you, me included) choose to embark on an A journey with a MM (key word: MARRIED), why would u "think" or believe when your told by him that no sex goes on in the MARITAL home???? And that if/when they find out their "man" is having sex with the woman they're MARRIED to...that's an instant dealbreaker...really?...it never crossed my mind that xMM WAS NOT having sex with wife...am I abnormal? I told xMM once when we first started talking (because I could tell he was uncomfortable with some things...for example: going out to eat with W on Valentine's Day)...I said look...all I ask from you is total honesty...because there are some things that I know without a doubt: 1-you are married 2-you have sex with your W 3-you go on vacations with your family 4-you go out of eat with your family 5-you buy your W gifts on special occasions and birthdays 6-your W and family take priority over me 100% of the time* Those things are not secret and are package deals when I chose to have an A with a MM...I am ok with that...and when/if they become dealbreakers I'll let u know... Am I alone here?...anyone else felt like that during their A?... I never once asked xMM about his sex life...why would I?...I already had that answer so why ask the question?...now if I asked him and he LIED about it...that's an instant dealbreaker for me...if he had decided to get S/D and be "committed" to me, and then was still having sex with said W...that would b a dealbreaker...idk maybe I'm alone here... Also...if xMM was having sex with W prior to the A, and then suddenly cuts her off, he would b throwing the OW under the bus sooner rather than later right?...he's got to keep the status quo at home in order to keep up the massive amount of lies to W the A requires... And in the end I DID NOT get total honesty...so I walked...I guess I'm similar to a BS in that respect...lies hurt soooooo much more than the truth...I'll never understand compulsive liars...and I don't want to...ok I think I just t/j my own thread... Anyway...Comments?... I have only read your opening post and I am commenting on it and then will go read the rest of the thread. I would not call myself naive, but yes, I believed he was not having sex at home with his wife. He shared with me he had performance issues and sex at home had stopped long before our relationship. We dated 6 months prior to us making love. We were out in the open, we never hid from anyone, and he had met my friends and family. In fact, he spent Christmas morning with me and my family and when he gave me diamond earrings and a tennis bracelet, my family realized how serious things were with us. Alas, most good things come to an end and our relationship ended after 2 years. I was ready for more, he was not ready to divorce. He was transferred over 2000 miles away. He asked to come see me and to continue our relationship, but I did not want to limit myself to monthly visits, especially when I was wanting a more committed relationship. We had a nice goodbye; but we have not spoken nor emailed since he moved. I will forever be grateful to him for what we shared and for him respecting me enough to not contact me so I can heal and move forward. I have such lovely memories of our time together and I will cherish them always. It just wasn't our time to be more than what we are. Link to post Share on other sites
SunsetRed Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 I wanted to believe that he wasnt having sex with his wife and that he hadnt in years. Pretty dumb of me to live in a fantasy of being a MM's one and only. I've heard of other OWs who fell for the "my wife and I dont have sex" lie. They were hit hard when the wife ends up pregnant. I know of an OW who went to the MM's house while the wife was out and in the bathroom she saw an ovulation kit...what a slap in the face. OW's believe the lie because we want to keep feeling that special way he made us feel in the beginning, but deep down on some intuitive level we have to know what's really going on at home. Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 Sometimes I read stuff that just blows my mind as to how gullible some ow are. Yes I was pretty gullible myself back then but still....... This one takes the cake........ Saw it on another site. The BS took advantage of (had sex with or it was implied that he was raped) the ws while he was on painkillers in order to get herself pregnant. He tells the ow this when she finds out his wife is pregnant. I've seen storie like that too. I also read where a BW got pregnant, MM told the OW the BW went behind his back and got invitro treatments and the OW believed him. Link to post Share on other sites
alexandria35 Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 I have only read your opening post and I am commenting on it and then will go read the rest of the thread. I would not call myself naive, but yes, I believed he was not having sex at home with his wife. He shared with me he had performance issues and sex at home had stopped long before our relationship. We dated 6 months prior to us making love. We were out in the open, we never hid from anyone, and he had met my friends and family. In fact, he spent Christmas morning with me and my family and when he gave me diamond earrings and a tennis bracelet, my family realized how serious things were with us. Alas, most good things come to an end and our relationship ended after 2 years. I was ready for more, he was not ready to divorce. He was transferred over 2000 miles away. He asked to come see me and to continue our relationship, but I did not want to limit myself to monthly visits, especially when I was wanting a more committed relationship. We had a nice goodbye; but we have not spoken nor emailed since he moved. I will forever be grateful to him for what we shared and for him respecting me enough to not contact me so I can heal and move forward. I have such lovely memories of our time together and I will cherish them always. It just wasn't our time to be more than what we are. How does giving you a pair of earrings and a bracelet prove that things were serious? If it was so serious wouldn't the MM have done what he needed to do to make things right? Like divorcing his wife and planning his future with you? So he won your family over by giving you a couple of expensive gifts? Sounds like your family is kind of gulliable too, or materialistic. Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 I never once asked xMM about his sex life...why would I?...I already had that answer so why ask the question?...now if I asked him and he LIED about it...that's an instant dealbreaker for me...if he had decided to get S/D and be "committed" to me, and then was still having sex with said W...that would b a dealbreaker...idk maybe I'm alone here... Anyway...Comments?... I haven't read your entire thread...sooo way late. I never asked either because I didn't care. I never ask anyone about their sex life, to me that's a personal matter. I guess exDM's kids were always privy to him and his now exW's sexual matters because after I had been in NC wioth him, his kids made mention of their parents not having sex for quite sometime...judging by the amount of time, it was right about the time we started working together. He never said a word about it, and we were in an EA, soooo. Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 pure in heart, How exactly do you define an EA? To me, it means that you are infatuated/ have a crush on/ have special feelings for, a married man but have not progressed to any physical acts of any kind. I find it hard to believe a MM would not have sex with his wife when he isn't getting any on the side. You sound very young, gullible, and naive about the ways MM use to get what they want from women. Auntie EM, A lot of MM buy expensive gifts for their OW to ensure the affair continues. There are many things a MM does to obtain this goal. Cheaters are liars and you need to protect yourself. Sunset Red, I think you are right about OW needing to believe all of MM's lies, to feel like she/their affair is special! MM's that are serious about the OW will do whatever it takes to make their relationship a permanent,honest, and open thing. Miss Bee, Good thought provoking post! Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted February 4, 2012 Share Posted February 4, 2012 pure in heart, How exactly do you define an EA? To me, it means that you are infatuated/ have a crush on/ have special feelings for, a married man but have not progressed to any physical acts of any kind. I find it hard to believe a MM would not have sex with his wife when he isn't getting any on the side. You sound very young, gullible, and naive about the ways MM use to get what they want from women. Well, all I can tell you is ...believe what I have to say or not. If it makes you feel better not to believe that MM (now exDM) did have sex with his wife then by all means, be my guest;) Link to post Share on other sites
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