should I win her back?

[c0nfuzd]

Of course she does. That victim role provides her with the denial that she did anything wrong.

 

There's so much work to do IF you intend to repair this M (which it looks like that's your intention).

 

You can't MAKE her! Yet you would sleep with her IF she wanted to... Hmmm. That wouldn't fix anything! The only thing it would show is that she still holds all the power to manipulate and control YOU by spreading her legs. Also rewards her bad behavior... She gets the idea that everything is ok now after her cheating.

 

You have work to do - handing her that much power is completely out of balance! Even thinking she has earned ANY right to sleeping with you is betraying yourself! Tell her hell no! Tell your kids the truth! "I'm not sleeping with Mombecause her choice has been to share her body with her boss for a long time!"

 

That's the truth! She did it - say what's real! Then she may realize that she dd this to herself. Her choices - her actions - she needs to own what she did before any healing can even be considered!

 

not sleep with her, sleep next to her; I think I have more right to kick her out of the bed than she does, yet she insists I be the one to not sleep there because it's her "sanctuary"....besides, I don't want to sleep with her until I see an official STD test results.....but like I said before, sex is the least of my concerns atm

[c0nfuzd]

Why not take out an ad in the NY Times and save yourself some time?

 

Before you act on anything, ask yourself what the motivation is. Do you think her friends will talk sense into her? IMO, that's a rarity. Will they pressure her or threaten to end the friendship if she doesn't repair her marriage? One more time: exposing and manipulating the situation might stir things up, but it isn't going to change her feelings.

 

Despite her very obvious shortcomings, your wife has a God-given freewill. Unless she chooses to love you and only you and embraces that with all of her heart, you have nothing. Ask yourself what the quality of life will be even if your manipulation is successful? What is the basis of your relationship then? She's spinning, and you're greasing it up to go faster.

 

Why don't you let her choose, and give yourself the opportunity to do the same?

 

If it's worth having, it's worth being patient to get it.

 

ya seriously, why not tell the whole world lmao....your post rings so true....I don't know why I am fighting this....just leave her and be done; I struggle with this daily; I don't wanna give up but part of me has already given up.....she is free to choose though, I am not restraining her in any way, she can walk into a lawyer's office this afternoon and initiate the D process; she chooses not to and drag me thru this mud

[2sunny]

ya seriously, why not tell the whole world lmao....your post rings so true....I don't know why I am fighting this....just leave her and be done; I struggle with this daily; I don't wanna give up but part of me has already given up.....she is free to choose though, I am not restraining her in any way, she can walk into a lawyer's office this afternoon and initiate the D process; she chooses not to and drag me thru this mud

 

And why aren't you taking that action? Why would you even WANT to be with any woman that treats you SO poorly?

 

Yes, tell everyone! She IS accountable for her actions! She could have considered THAT every day while IN the affair!

 

IF she doesn't OWN how SHE participated - there's nothing to do but leave her. She is NOT the woman you thought she could be!

 

IF she has consequences - that is good. Let her have the consequences she earned!

 

Why would you even want a woman who betrayed you on such a deep level? Who didn't honor the M vow? Who showed all her love to another man? Who stole another woman's husband? And who still lies about it all? Is that the woman you THOUGHT you married?... Cuz that's the woman/wife she has proved to be by her evidence. Is that what you want in a wife... Because that IS who is has become!

[2sunny]

I will answer the original question asked - NO!

 

No reason to "win her back" when she hasn't made YOU her only priority! And she needs to be willing to repair ALL the damage SHE caused! But she can't because she hasn't even owned up to how she participated.

[c0nfuzd]

And why aren't you taking that action? Why would you even WANT to be with any woman that treats you SO poorly?

 

Yes, tell everyone! She IS accountable for her actions! She could have considered THAT every day while IN the affair!

 

IF she doesn't OWN how SHE participated - there's nothing to do but leave her. She is NOT the woman you thought she could be!

 

IF she has consequences - that is good. Let her have the consequences she earned!

 

Why would you even want a woman who betrayed you on such a deep level? Who didn't honor the M vow? Who showed all her love to another man? Who stole another woman's husband? And who still lies about it all? Is that the woman you THOUGHT you married?... Cuz that's the woman/wife she has proved to be by her evidence. Is that what you want in a wife... Because that IS who is has become!

 

people make terrible mistakes and I myself have made them; and people can change given time...that is why I choose not to leave; you really should read my other thread so you get more background on my situation....it's not as simple as you think it is.....but I do appreciate your input nonetheless

[2sunny]

people make terrible mistakes and I myself have made them; and people can change given time...that is why I choose not to leave; you really should read my other thread so you get more background on my situation....it's not as simple as you think it is.....but I do appreciate your input nonetheless

 

It is simple IF you take your emotions out of it.

 

Two wrongs cannot make this all right!

 

She still isn't doing the action to repair the damage she caused - therefor you have nothing to work with.

 

That NOTHING actually means SOMETHING! But that's the part you are in denial about.

 

IF she wanted to make the M work - she'd be willing to DO anything and everything to change her whole life! But she's not doing it - that tells you everything she's unwilling to say.

 

You have nothing...except a cheater - who isn't forthcoming with honesty - and she's willing to blame you for what she did - and she's still covering up and manipulating with what you're willing to tolerate. None of that indicates any form of loving behavior from my perspective.

[turnera]

not sleep with her, sleep next to her; I think I have more right to kick her out of the bed than she does, yet she insists I be the one to not sleep there because it's her "sanctuary"

So what? YOU didn't choose to cheat.

 

An Alpha Man would never move out of his bed because his wife isn't happy; he would tell her to fix the marriage with him or, if she doesn't want to do that...leave.

[2sunny]

So what? YOU didn't choose to cheat.

 

An Alpha Man would never move out of his bed because his wife isn't happy; he would tell her to fix the marriage with him or, if she doesn't want to do that...leave.

 

Yep. Get OUT because I deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. I see none of that being displayed by her.

 

Make her completely uncomfortable! That is when she might consider changing!

 

She acts the woman who isn't sorry she cheated - she's just sorry she got caught! Big difference!

[c0nfuzd]

Let's get inside the mind of your wife for a few moments. c0nfuzd you've admitted that you were a addict and that you abused her for several years and no I'm not saying that to beat you over the head with it.

 

So....she felt alone, neglected, and she most likely felt the marriage was over since you were living in the basement. So she was vulnerable to someone's else attention so there it went, an affair. It made her feel good, desired, wanted, validated and maybe loved because I doubt she got any of that from you during your bad phase. Oh and I'm not saying the affair was OK, it's not but if ever there was a woman, who would feel that she was entitled to what she thought was some happiness, your wife was the one.

 

c0nfuzd, I think it's gonna take your wife several months to get a handle on what she has done to herself and to you and her family. I think it's going to take her quite a while to realize that the feelings she had for that man weren't rooted in reality and at some point, she is gonna be pissed as hell at him and herself because she is going to feel used and she is going to know she allowed it.

 

Your marriage just seems to have too many issues, that seem to be insurmountable right now. Perhaps now would be a good time for you and her both to separate and both of you decide to revisit 6 months down the road with the stipulation that both of you get some IC during that time. Maybe you can work it out down the road but right now that is just way too much water under the bridge for now. Let it go, let her go, concentrate on yourself and she should do the same.

 

this is exactly how I've been trying to portray our situation but could never get a handle on the right words to use...thank you LG......if I could have custody of the kids for the 6 months, I would move out tomorrow.....but I won't and that makes it so difficult to leave; I left the house for 4 days last week and I was more miserable than ever; and I was told many times here NOT to leave the house; if she could part with the kids, she would come back and fix the M so fast there is no doubt in my mind....that is why it's easy for her to ask for separation, because she won't be alone, I will

[2sunny]

Fear seems to have you stuck.

 

Work on being the best man you can be. This has nothing to do with her - only you can change you - but if that change is dependent on what she is or isn't doing - it will all fail.

 

Let me ask - what is your basic guideline for YOURSELF as a healthy boundary?

 

It should be an easy answer - if you don't yet know... It's a very useful place to start - as every decision YOU make should be determined by THAT healthy boundary.

 

For me - it's simple and clear! My healthy boundary:

 

Happy, healthy and safe!

 

What is yours?

[c0nfuzd]

So what? YOU didn't choose to cheat.

 

An Alpha Man would never move out of his bed because his wife isn't happy; he would tell her to fix the marriage with him or, if she doesn't want to do that...leave.

 

she thinks I am a jerk for doing this to her....and I've told her if she's not happy with me that she can file

again, sometimes I doubt being an alpha man is doing me any good

[c0nfuzd]

Fear seems to have you stuck.

 

Work on being the best man you can be. This has nothing to do with her - only you can change you - but if that change is dependent on what she is or isn't doing - it will all fail.

 

Let me ask - what is your basic guideline for YOURSELF as a healthy boundary?

 

It should be an easy answer - if you don't yet know... It's a very useful place to start - as every decision YOU make should be determined by THAT healthy boundary.

 

For me - it's simple and clear! My healthy boundary:

 

Happy, healthy and safe!

 

What is yours?

 

sure it's the same for me 2...happy, healthy, safe.....but I know I won't be happy if I let her go

[2sunny]

sure it's the same for me 2...happy, healthy, safe.....but I know I won't be happy if I let her go

 

Your evidence doesn't sustain what you type. If you hand that much power to her - it's not happy or healthy.

 

Learn how to be happy on your own! That is good balance!

[c0nfuzd]

Your evidence doesn't sustain what you type. If you hand that much power to her - it's not happy or healthy.

 

Learn how to be happy on your own! That is good balance!

 

it's not about me.....it's about our kids....it's a responsibility we owe them to work out our problems and provide them with the best parents they can have; that is what I am fighting for; if they weren't in the picture, we would have parted ways long ago....and we happen to both agree with this

[2sunny]

it's not about me.....it's about our kids....it's a responsibility we owe them to work out our problems and provide them with the best parents they can have; that is what I am fighting for; if they weren't in the picture, we would have parted ways long ago....and we happen to both agree with this

 

You can parent and not stay together - I can assure you that! I never took away my exH's ability to be my kids parent - we can do that while not being married!

[turnera]

she thinks I am a jerk for doing this to her....and I've told her if she's not happy with me that she can file

again, sometimes I doubt being an alpha man is doing me any good

There's a great little book called The Dance of Anger, which describes learning how to set and enforce healthy boundaries. When you do that, you upset the apple cart. She's gotten used to your role of manservant, maid, cook, and nanny. Now that you are trying to reassert your place as husband, she doesn't like it. Not to mention you 'making' her feel bad for cheating on you. So of course she's going to tell you you're a jerk.

 

Anyway, the book calls that 'change back!' behavior - they fuss and they strut and they guilt...all in an attempt to get you to change back to the old role you held.

 

Your job is to stand firm to what you know is right - making amends for your past offenses, learning and growing so you can be a great partner (for someone), caring for your home and job and kids and wife - if she'll let you, and leading the family. Sometimes that requires not having everyone like you. But that's not really the point, is it? The point is to be a great role model for your kids, which involves showing them a healthy Alpha Male - so sons can grow up to be one, too, and so daughters can see how a man should act. Focus on that.

[turnera]

it's not about me.....it's about our kids....it's a responsibility we owe them to work out our problems and provide them with the best parents they can have; that is what I am fighting for; if they weren't in the picture, we would have parted ways long ago....and we happen to both agree with this

Yes, it would be better if you stay together. However, I'll take you to task for saying it's only about them. It's also about your fear of being, and not wanting to be, alone. Be honest with yourself.

[2sunny]

A healthy R doesn't include fighting for - or any battle... That's the first clue that things are backwards.

 

Try that 180 that was suggested. Yes, it will stir up some crazy defiance from your wandering wife - she may have to considering changing... Hmmm, isn't that a good thing?

 

First things first - consequences = she cheated= she should move today!

 

If she gets really uncomfortable - she MAY start trying to EARN YOUR trust back! For now she's hoping your overlook things so she can continue making you the bad guy so she can continue justifying her contact with her MM.

 

Stop being her doormat! Your kids will grow up to be that doormat! They learn how to be an adult from you! When they ALLOW their spouse to trample them - you will only blame your own example of what you've shown them.

 

Start showing them what SELF respect looks like!

[stillafool]

it's not about me.....it's about our kids....it's a responsibility we owe them to work out our problems and provide them with the best parents they can have; that is what I am fighting for; if they weren't in the picture, we would have parted ways long ago....and we happen to both agree with this

 

I don't believe you. As 2Sunny said you can still parent and not be together. There is such a thing as shared custody. I don't think your wife would prevent her kids from seeing their father. She will also be without them when they are with you. Be honest, you just don't want to let her go. Plenty of people divorce and still provide happy homes for their kids. They will still have loving parents whether you are together or not.

[c0nfuzd]

I don't believe you. As 2Sunny said you can still parent and not be together. There is such a thing as shared custody. I don't think your wife would prevent her kids from seeing their father. She will also be without them when they are with you. Be honest, you just don't want to let her go. Plenty of people divorce and still provide happy homes for their kids. They will still have loving parents whether you are together or not.

 

 

she will not go for shared custody...joint custody at the most....where I live, mother automatically gets full custody unless I can prove she is unfit, and sadly adultery does not make a case for this; she gets to keep them and I will be alone....why? what did I do to deserve this? how is it that she cheats and ends up happy after? I want to be around my kids at all times, not just sometimes; quick background, I've never known my father and I always said I would be there for my kids...her cheating can be fixed and so I choose to stick around a wee longer

 

but tonight I got another kick in the nuts as far as trusting her; just as I was starting to believe she is over with A; I was going to pick up our kids from school and I see her turning from another street which I know is the way she would come from if she were to see OM; when I asked her where she was coming from, of course she had a legitimate excuse but I did not believe her; I realized I can't trust her; I know she can lie to my face; and then I said, if you want me to trust you, I need your laptop and phone passwords; her excuse to not giving them to me is that she's still not sure she wants to work things out because of our past (everything that happened prior to A) so she doesn't see why she should forego her privacy at this point

 

fair enough I said, let me know when you are ready and this will be one of the requirements for making our M work....transparency; I told her not to take too long because I've already waited 9 months and I can't wait forever.....if she wants out so bad, then hurry up already and file; I told her I would do it if she doesn't

[turnera]

I don't know where you live, but I assume it's the US, and as far as I've ever heard, NO state gives 100% custody to the mother any more. Talk to your lawyer.

[2sunny]

she will not go for shared custody...joint custody at the most....where I live, mother automatically gets full custody unless I can prove she is unfit, and sadly adultery does not make a case for this; she gets to keep them and I will be alone....why? what did I do to deserve this? how is it that she cheats and ends up happy after? I want to be around my kids at all times, not just sometimes; quick background, I've never known my father and I always said I would be there for my kids...her cheating can be fixed and so I choose to stick around a wee longer

 

but tonight I got another kick in the nuts as far as trusting her; just as I was starting to believe she is over with A; I was going to pick up our kids from school and I see her turning from another street which I know is the way she would come from if she were to see OM; when I asked her where she was coming from, of course she had a legitimate excuse but I did not believe her; I realized I can't trust her; I know she can lie to my face; and then I said, if you want me to trust you, I need your laptop and phone passwords; her excuse to not giving them to me is that she's still not sure she wants to work things out because of our past (everything that happened prior to A) so she doesn't see why she should forego her privacy at this point

 

fair enough I said, let me know when you are ready and this will be one of the requirements for making our M work....transparency; I told her not to take too long because I've already waited 9 months and I can't wait forever.....if she wants out so bad, then hurry up already and file; I told her I would do it if she doesn't

 

You are acting the complete doormat.

She's still cheating - yet you aren't DOING anything to respect YOURSELF!

 

File for D. You CAN still be their father in any capacity you ask the judge to grant!

 

Exposé your wife for the tramp she is! Tell everyone you know - including her HR department.

 

She's a complete liar! Tell her that! She needs no time to decide anything... Her actions prove she isn't into the M as a commitment.

 

Did you read the 180 guidelines? Well then - you need to make her accountable for what disaster she has created! Pack her bag and place it out front. Change the locks! Tell her that her cheating a$$ isn't welcome there anymore! When she has some consequences - that's when she might start realizing she screwed things up beyond belief - for now - she's just laughing behind your back as YOU have allowed her to make YOU her fool!

 

Stop being THAT fool! Start DOING something now!

[c0nfuzd]

I don't know where you live, but I assume it's the US, and as far as I've ever heard, NO state gives 100% custody to the mother any more. Talk to your lawyer.

 

I'm not in the US and I've checked with a lawyer already regarding custody....she gets by default full custody unless proven unfit

[2sunny]

What action are you taking right now? Doing no action proves she will play you as her fool.

 

Have you changed the locks? Kicked her out? Exposed to everyone she knows just what a tramp she continues to be?

 

Exposé away!!! What are you waiting for?

[c0nfuzd]

You are acting the complete doormat.

She's still cheating - yet you aren't DOING anything to respect YOURSELF!

 

File for D. You CAN still be their father in any capacity you ask the judge to grant!

 

Exposé your wife for the tramp she is! Tell everyone you know - including her HR department.

 

She's a complete liar! Tell her that! She needs no time to decide anything... Her actions prove she isn't into the M as a commitment.

 

Did you read the 180 guidelines? Well then - you need to make her accountable for what disaster she has created! Pack her bag and place it out front. Change the locks! Tell her that her cheating a$$ isn't welcome there anymore! When she has some consequences - that's when she might start realizing she screwed things up beyond belief - for now - she's just laughing behind your back as YOU have allowed her to make YOU her fool!

 

Stop being THAT fool! Start DOING something now!

 

you sound like turnera lol.....except turnera was never for or against me killing the M; I see your stance on it but I feel it's 2 aggressive

 

I still wanna give it time....so I got her phone password finally....well, sort of; was thinking of installing a keylogger on it but then Steadfast's post rang in my ears quite loudly...this would be further manipulation so I am not going to...not yet anyways lol; she gave it to me while I was walking away from her; then I came back to discuss something else and in the process I asked her again for the phone pswrd; she said "I already gave it to you" to which I replied "oh, I didn't hear you say it"....she then made her argument for why she shouldnt have to give it 2 me atm...citing her privacy blah blah blah; I did get a chance to confirm that the paswrd is correct; I think what I will do is try the pwrd randomly and see if she changes it; she was so concerned about me reading her chats with her sister and I told her there should be no secret between us if we are gonna work this out; she says that when she will work on M, there will be no secrets, until then she wants her privacy

 

and yes, I will admit that I am a little afraid to be on my own; what's weird is that during those 4 days that I was away from home last week, I had a blast; hooked up with my sister and friends and every night we hung out; but at the end of the night, I would be alone and all I could think of was the kids and W and how I want M to work out; and I kept thinking "what would she have to do to me for me to walk away?" I have low self-esteem I know but I can't help myself; even my therapist said to walk away and that some day I would find another woman who would treat me right because I have good qualities and morals