should I win her back?

[c0nfuzd]

OMW didn't take long at all....she immediately contacted her husband who then contacted my W.....then OMW called my W and called her every name in the book; my W did not even deny it; she lied to me for a whole year and she couldn't lie to OMW for 5 minutes...

 

anyways, it's done; my W is pissed off at me and won't talk to me; she blames me for everything, not realizing she's the one that brought this on herself...I did give my word to my W that I would not contact OMW, but in the end I just couldn't take it anymore; I told OMW about proof but I never showed her anything...I was simply going to convince her verbally that she needs to do some sleuthing of her own; I did not want her to damage us and it seems she is succeeding....OMW even said to my W: "how would you like for your kids to find out about the A?"....she is vindictive and that is what I was afraid of.....

 

so I came home to talk to my W since she wouldn't talk on the phone, and she wants me to leave our house, that she needs space....again; but this time I'm not budging.....she can't kick me out, if she wants space, she can leave herself....which she just did

 

I reminded her not to give in to what OMW wants and terminate our M

[robf1971]

 

Entirely WRONG approach. Go home and stay there. Expose 2 the OMW. Expose 2 the company they work for. The sooner one of them leaves the job the better. Letting them keep this secret while at work (where the affair started) will only allow them 2 keep the affair going.

 

OP, you should have said something along the lines of'

 

Wife, I've been thinking, I've changed my mind I think you should go live with OM so I've packed your stuff up in boxes and put them in the garage, I wish you all the best..

 

That way you get to keep the house, the kids etc.. She cheats and you leave? that's just plain weak. Ohh and stop all the crying in front of her, it isn't helping. Cry in private, cry to your friends post on here but in front of her it's nothing but a turnoff.

[stillafool]

OMW didn't take long at all....she immediately contacted her husband who then contacted my W.....then OMW called my W and called her every name in the book; my W did not even deny it; she lied to me for a whole year and she couldn't lie to OMW for 5 minutes...

 

anyways, it's done; my W is pissed off at me and won't talk to me; she blames me for everything, not realizing she's the one that brought this on herself...I did give my word to my W that I would not contact OMW, but in the end I just couldn't take it anymore; I told OMW about proof but I never showed her anything...I was simply going to convince her verbally that she needs to do some sleuthing of her own; I did not want her to damage us and it seems she is succeeding....OMW even said to my W: "how would you like for your kids to find out about the A?"....she is vindictive and that is what I was afraid of.....

 

so I came home to talk to my W since she wouldn't talk on the phone, and she wants me to leave our house, that she needs space....again; but this time I'm not budging.....she can't kick me out, if she wants space, she can leave herself....which she just did

 

I reminded her not to give in to what OMW wants and terminate our M

 

 

I told you the moment OM's W found out your W would also find out just how little she meant to MM. Now she is hurt and can't stand the sight of you. What do you mean you didn't want OM's wife to damage "us". Your wife is the one who damaged "us" not OM's wife. His W stands up for herself unlike you. After seeing pics of your wife having sex with OM how could you even think of taking her back? You should know now how much she loves MM as she is clearly devastated by his pain. Got that, his pain, not yours. Why are you telling her not to give in to OM and terminate your marriage? If she is in love with MM you still want her????????????

[robf1971]

anyways, it's done; my W is pissed off at me and won't talk to me; she blames me for everything, not realizing she's the one that brought this on herself...I did give my word to my W that I would not contact OMW, but in the end I just couldn't take it anymore; I told OMW about proof but I never showed her anything...I was simply going to convince her verbally that she needs to do some sleuthing of her own; I did not want her to damage us and it seems she is succeeding....OMW even said to my W: "how would you like for your kids to find out about the A?"....she is vindictive and that is what I was afraid of.....

 

so I came home to talk to my W since she wouldn't talk on the phone, and she wants me to leave our house, that she needs space....again; but this time I'm not budging.....she can't kick me out, if she wants space, she can leave herself....which she just did

 

I reminded her not to give in to what OMW wants and terminate our M

 

You've gone and grown a pair. Yep your wife hates you right now but she will respect you. You did good man..

[2long]

This is what you should have done 2 begin with. Now you have a chance 2 show your kids what integrity and values are. As for exposing 2 the omw being bad advice?? Anybody directly affected by an affair should know about it so they can choose what they want 2 do about it. The affairees have no bloody right 2 manipulate their BSs that way. Besides, if the affair is such a good thing then they should be delighted 2 let the whole world know about it. That they get their bowels all in an uproar when someone exposes them shows that a part of them knows how wrong they are.

 

Your wife has a very narrow window now 2 prove 2 you that she wants her marriage. If she can't take extraordinary steps 2 prove 2 you that she can be trusted going forward, you will know very soon what you must do.

 

-ol' 2long

[turnera]

I am SO glad to hear that you have finally decided not to leave your house after your WIFE cheated. By simply telling OMW, you have reclaimed a bit of your manhood and now know what it feels like to respect yourself. Continue on.

[Chi townD]

Don't you love it when they blame you for THEIR affair! Yeah, your wife is gonna say some hurtful things and say crap like, " Well, I thought about R with you, but after you pulled this." It's all BS and don't listen to it, and more importantly, don't let it bother you! She'll want to pull you into a fight. Probably to make some claim that you are angry and violent and she fears for her safety. Be cool as a cucumber, and calm at all times!

[Chi townD]

I did give my word to my W that I would not contact OMW, but in the end I just couldn't take it anymore

 

Yeah, and she gave you her word on the day that you were married to love, honor and FORESAKE ALL OTHERS....don't let her pull that card on you.

[Binster]

Dont know how it's going to work out for you mate, but for my money you did the right thing (should have done it sooner ).

This time stay in the house, stay in the bedroom and let her do some worying and running around.

 

Good look.

[c0nfuzd]

thank you all for supporting me....I did end up leaving the house again for 2 nights because she wanted the damn space (stupid I was)....but I am back now with a vengeance....she wants a D, I will give her a D....the only reason I won't serve her is because I have a responsibilty to my kids to provide them with a family that includes both mommy and daddy; the other reason is that I took a vow "for better or worse and in sickness and health".....she is "sick" and I won't abandon her; I still think that with proper counseling we may have a chance

 

even though I have read more emails of hers where she even describes doing sexual things with him she never did with me; she goes as far as letting him know he has a great tool, in length, shape, taste and all; he in turn says his major insecurity in bed is that he can't last long....ha ha

 

so I told her I will be in the bed upstairs from now on until either she decides to sleep next to me or the D is finalized....she asks me if I want all her money and I told her the lawyer will do what's best for me; I've made it clear the house is mine like it is hers....she can leave since she's the cheater

 

Yeah, and she gave you her word on the day that you were married to love, honor and FORESAKE ALL OTHERS....don't let her pull that card on you.

 

I will keep this in mind the next time she pulls that crap on me....at least I owned up to it when she asked me if I talked to OMW...I didn't deny it and she didn't have to show me proof that I talked to her....unlike her who kept denying the A until I showed her the pics; I must have asked her 100 times and she just kept lying and lying

 

I've reminded her again that had she not crossed the line with boss, she wouldn't be in the state she is in....she just won't take responsibility for her actions and keeps blaming me for it

[robf1971]

Don't you love it when they blame you for THEIR affair! Yeah, your wife is gonna say some hurtful things and say crap like, " Well, I thought about R with you, but after you pulled this." It's all BS and don't listen to it, and more importantly, don't let it bother you! She'll want to pull you into a fight. Probably to make some claim that you are angry and violent and she fears for her safety. Be cool as a cucumber, and calm at all times!

 

Yep, it's all part of the 'script'!!

 

Expect everything from accross the spectrum, anything from baiting you with sex to physically attacking you and everything in between.

 

If she starts raising her voice to you, Just hold up your hand and say'

 

Until you can start speaking to me in a civilised tone this conversation is over' and then walk away.

 

Also invest in a voice activated recorder to be kept with you at all times just in case she calls the police on you.

[robf1971]

I won't abandon her; I still think that with proper counseling we may have a chance

 

even though I have read more emails of hers where she even describes doing sexual things with him she never did with me; she goes as far as letting him know he has a great tool, in length, shape, taste and all; he in turn says his major insecurity in bed is that he can't last long....ha ha

 

Drop her like a bad habit!!

[c0nfuzd]

she's finally going to speak to a lawyer....she didn't tell me so, the keylogger did....and of course she denied it when I asked her about it

 

at this point I think she is a pathological liar....she won't even admit to moving her love emails from one account to another, saying they have all been deleted instead....yeah right; and she wants me to believe it's over between the 2 of them

 

I don't have to give her a D, she will give it to me; all she did last night and this morning is cry....how miserable her life is

 

and, I slept in my bed for the first time in 9 months last night.....might I add, I had a great sleep.......till her sobbing woke me up this morning

[turnera]

Have you ever seen that video of the toddler who's throwing a fit? Screaming, crying, ranting, pounding on the floor...until the mom/dad taping the toddler move to another room (while still filming).

 

As soon as the toddler figures out the mom/dad are not in the room, he stops crying. Goes looking for them. The instant he sees them again, on with the screaming/crying/ranting/pounding.

 

So the parents move into another room again. Again, as soon as the toddler loses his audience, he stops crying. Goes in search of his audience. And as soon as he finds them again, again on with the crying/screaming....

 

She wouldn't be sobbing if you weren't in the room.

 

She's a great actress. Remember that.

[turnera]

Now, back to basics. You are headed for divorce. She knows you know she cheated.

 

It's time to stop confronting her. It's time to stop trying to get her to admit anything.

 

Each time you go to her and say 'I KNOW you called lawyer/moved your files/told OM you love him' you just look weak again.

 

Don't throw away the advantage you FINALLY gained.

 

Stay calm, resolute, and determined to move forward.

 

Do not engage in ANY CONVERSATION with her. "I have nothing to say to you" is all you have to say from hereonout. That's ALL.

 

If you still want her back, you can add this - but just ONCE! - "I would consider staying married to you if you stop cheating, give me your passwords, get a new job, take a polygraph, and sign a postnup. If you're not interested in that, we'll be divorced soon."

 

You're finally showing your kids a good role model. Don't let them down.

[stillafool]

I will give her a D....the only reason I won't serve her is because I have a responsibilty to my kids to provide them with a family that includes both mommy and daddy; the other reason is that I took a vow "for better or worse and in sickness and health".....she is "sick" and I won't abandon her; I still think that with proper counseling we may have a chance.

 

 

I don't understand. You say you will give her a divorce and then you say you still think that with proper counseling you two have a chance. Which is it? Also what you owe you children is a happy home. They will always have you and your wife as their mommy and daddy, whether you two are together or remarried to others. Infidelity cancels married "vows". Your wife is crying all night not because she is "sick" but because she is heartbroken. She now realizes that the OM didn't love her and the one he loves is his wife. Why do you want her back when she isn't in love with you?

[2long]

I agree with the above posts. If you really don't want a divorce, or even if you've accepted that you will be divorced (hard 2 do at this early stage, really), you need 2 stop talking about it. In fact, stop having any relationship discussions with your wife AT ALL. Talk only about day 2 day running of the household or shuffling kids 2 and from school.

 

The only thing you should say about your relationship is that if she wants 2 stay married she's got 2 meet some requirements of yours. The sooner she ends contact with the OM and proves that 2 you 2 your satisfaction, the better for her chances at recovery. The longer she takes, the less interested you will become. You're not there yet, believe me. But you will get there, believe me. It might take months or even years, but a recovery without extraordinary steps 2 show you she's sincere will be meaningless.

 

She's got 2 leave that job, or show that the OM has. That's got 2 happen pretty soon, 2.

 

Do not talk about what you know or how you know it. All you'll do is give away your sources and drive her further underground. Remember, she KNOWS she's having an affair. You don't need 2 prove that 2 her. She will need 2 prove 2 YOU that she's ended it. Ask a scientist sometime how hard it is 2 prove a negative!

 

-ol' 2long

[c0nfuzd]

I don't understand. You say you will give her a divorce and then you say you still think that with proper counseling you two have a chance. Which is it? Also what you owe you children is a happy home. They will always have you and your wife as their mommy and daddy, whether you two are together or remarried to others. Infidelity cancels married "vows". Your wife is crying all night not because she is "sick" but because she is heartbroken. She now realizes that the OM didn't love her and the one he loves is his wife. Why do you want her back when she isn't in love with you?

 

I think you're right....I think she realizes how she was played too; she gave him her body and soul and in the end, he walked away when the shyte hit the fan.....maybe; not convinced yet they are done; doesn't explain why she still has pics of him and just about all the emails ever exchanged between them; she did get rid of the naked pics but there's still pics showing them not only together but also kissing.....yet she says there is not a trace of their relationship left; she told me this as late as an hour ago.....she says she wants to move forward but she says forgiving my past is not the same as forgiving hers....she just wants me to stop bringing up her mistakes, but apparently she can keep bringing up mine..........anyways, OMW sent me a message on facebook saying to leave her and her family alone, not to contact her, that she knows everything and to take care of her marriage; why is this woman not wanting to talk to me?

Edited January 30, 2012 by c0nfuzd

[2long]

anyways, OMW sent me a message on facebook saying to leave her and her family alone, not to contact her, that she knows everything and to take care of her marriage; why is this woman not wanting to talk to me?

 

Who knows? You've given her the information she needs 2 recover her marriage, if that's what she wants 2 do. Now, show her that you respect her ability and her right 2 do what she needs 2 do, by leaving her alone.

 

But keep monitoring your W's activities 2 make sure she's not continuing the affair (she is as far as you're concerned, if she still works with him). Just don't tell her you're doing it.

 

Your past and hers are different, and should not be used as excuses by one of you 2 defend what you're doing 2 the other. Again, I'd pinch off any relationship discussions by leaving the room if you have 2. The only thing you want 2 hear is a convincing argument, with evidence, that she's willing 2 do whatever it takes 2 save her marriage.

 

She isn't even remorseful yet. And it will take months, at least, for her 2 come around in a sincere manner.

 

-ol' 2long

[stillafool]

I think the OMW has heard his story and he has convinced her not to talk to you again. Who knows, hearing more about the affair could be unbearable for her. I also think you should ask you wife why she still has pics of the two of them kissing. Why play games with her? I think you should reveal what you know and make her accountable for these actions. I can almost guarantee that your wife isn't finished with him if he still wants her. He maybe finished with her now that his marriage and possibly his job is on the line. Does your wife really need that job? If not, I would suggest she quit and find another if you still plan on be married to her. The next time she starts crying over him ask her how she can love a man that threw her under the bus when his wife found out.

Edited January 30, 2012 by stillafool

[c0nfuzd]

she can't quit her job overnight....she is the breadwinner and just got promoted; if she walks away she won't be able to use her new title on the resume, which means she will be taking a step back in her career on her next job; in other words, her career is more important to her than doing what's right for the family and marriage; I told her my salary pays the mortgage and utilities, and with the money we have saved we can afford for her to quit now and still be ok for a few months; we may have to cut back here and there but it's not like we're gonna be out on the street if she quits; she wants to be able to stay at this job for another year; she's pissed off at me because of the possibility the OMW might make the OM talk her into quitting the job; even my W's mom told her she needs to quit; this would save her career and her reputation in the industry but she unfortunately doesn't see it this way

 

anyways, slept another night in our bed she almost slept there as well but backed out last minute...oh well

 

this morning we got into an argument about her quitting the job and she told me that this is the problem with me....she feels all this pressure from me, and that she can't talk to me; that I don't try to help but instead am trying to sink her deeper; maybe it's time for counseling

 

made another contact with OMW last night and she told me that her hubby is begging for forgiveness and that it was just a "stupid fling" he had....she seems to be a little more relaxed as we exchanged couple of messages; asked her how long A has been going on according to her hubby, just to see how honest he is with his W; waiting for reply

 

stillafool, I cannot give away what I know because then she would know I use a keylogger which is illegal here and she would know how to protect herself in the future against it

[c0nfuzd]

I don't know how many of you took the time to read my other thread in the Abuse forum but I just want to remind you all that I also messed up in this M....BIG TIME

 

one of the big mistakes I made is losing communication with her; and it is evident time and again even after the A has been discovered, that I lack in this field

 

what can I do or read to improve my communication with her? how do I sharpen this skill? I know that I am too abrasive at times; I may not be yelling or cursing anymore but she is still not comfortable talking to me; how can I become the crying shoulder OM was so good at doing?

[RobD70]

what can I do or read to improve my communication with her? how do I sharpen this skill? I know that I am too abrasive at times; I may not be yelling or cursing anymore but she is still not comfortable talking to me; how can I become the crying shoulder OM was so good at doing?

While this is something you need to work on, understand that right now its not going to matter to her because she's not 100% into it. My W was all "too little too late" when I tried to change when she was still in her fog. It's not going to help your situation short term and she will see your changes as being fake anyway.

 

You know she is continuing lying to your face so you know you can't trust (probably never will be able to) so why entertain the thought? Do you really want to stay married to a liar and a cheat? Do you want to teach your kids that's its alright for a spouse to do this to them?

 

Since you have smoking gun evidence of her A and of her lying why not go ahead and confront her? Getting more evidence isn't going to change anything and if you are going for a D then monitoring her would be pointless.

 

You need to throw it in her face and tell her you are done with her and walk away. She is going to lie, lie, lie and you can't have that as a foundation for a marriage. You have more than enough justification to D her so pull the trigger already. Trying to work it out with her now makes you more of a sap than being noble. She doesn't deserve to be with you anymore (regardless of your past).

 

If there's a snowball's chance in hell of an R, it will be months from now with her begging you to take her back and really being over the OM, not keeping him as a backup or fantasy.

[turnera]

She's not comfortable talking to you because you're taking away her drug - OM. Until she's done wanting him, NOTHING you say to her will make a difference. Until then, you are the enemy.

[c0nfuzd]

I don't walk away from my M just because of a terrible mistake; I have made some and she has made some; as long as I believe that we can work it out, I don't give up; this is the problem in our society today with respect to marriage....it's disposable like everything else; if I am not happy anymore, then walk away....wrong! people can change and do change....some may take more time than others; if I didn't make changes in my life, I couldn't believe that someone else can make them 2....

 

turnera, you are 100% correct; she sees me as the enemy because she still longs for him; just now, I could see her perusing pics of them and going over their emails; there is no interaction between the 2 that's for sure, just her reminiscing I guess....is there anything I can do to get her to be done with him once and for all? I've told her about the information there is out there to help get over an A (asked her to read How to survive an affair as well), and among other things that she has to stop seeing him daily which means quitting her job

 

it's almost like she feels she is back in hell now with me since her heavenly A is done